Succession (2018) s03e06 Episode Script

What It Takes

KEITH: Mr. Roy,
we'd like to move on
to the matter
of these illegal payments.
Uh-huh. Fine.
I mean, we've done that, but
KEITH: Specifically, your
first-hand knowledge
of what happened.
Yup. Yup, got it.
What we want you
to explain to us,
based on what you saw and heard,
is how these illegal payments
were made, were approved,
-and by whom.
-Yup. Got it.
What's next?
KEITH: You want to
answer the question?
I think I'm good.
Okay, fine. Uh
Well, I approved
the illegal payments, because
I love sexual assault
and I love to cover it up.
How-- How-- How's that?
Is that bad?
-Okay, we can-- we can wrap up.
-That's bad?
Come on, just--
We'll privately run the--
the timeline at home,
but yeah
I'm good. We're good. Right?
Good, and yeah, just
-humble, straightforward
-Hide the agenda.
No agenda.
They're government employees,
I mean
how smart can they be?
I'm not saying that. I'm saying
what you think I think, right?
And-- And just so we're
on the same page
in terms of aims, for me,
the wish list goes:
immunity for yours truly,
taskforce for Waystar,
-my dad deaded.
-Well, I don't do requests
because I'm not a DJ.
But I hear you.
Look, come in here.
They're jigsawing
all the papers.
Hey, paper people!
-STAFF 1: Morning.
-STAFF 2: Good morning.
You know,
Waystar is now cooperating,
helpfully offering up
one billion pages of documents,
hiring white-shoe,
former DOJ types
to conduct an internal
that looks super scrupulous,
offering up employees
for talks with DOJ
and worker safety protocols
around Cruises.
We can adjust, but (SIGHS)
this isn't a slam dunk here.
-Uh-huh, but
the papers, yeah?
-I mean--
-Once you pull everything out
that falls under
other jurisdictions
or maritime law,
or is privileged,
or is outside
the statute of limitations--
But an FCPA angle obviates
those objections, right?
Well, the stuff that works
for Foreign Corrupt
Practices Act is inferential.
Waystar was careful.
So, you're saying
the papers are bullshit?
I'm just saying they lack
some of the explosiveness
it was suggested
they might have.
I can reposition the context
in the public arena,
maybe-- maybe
Maybe I can
flip someone up the tree?
I just feel like sometimes
we're allowing the tune
to be played
at my dad's tempo, Lisa.
And I'm not sure why.
I have the, quote-unquote,
best lawyer in town.
I have the best story.
-I have fucking receipts!
-I hear you're concerned.
You have a big day tomorrow.
Okay? This happens
the night before.
-Rest up, okay?
-Thank you.
Yeah, and I-- and I
Look, I really value
all the work you do, honestly.
But let's try harder.
-Yeah? Let's try harder.
Thank you.
I miss the big boot. At least
you could hear him coming.
ROMAN ROY: Clearly fucking.
SHIV ROY: Dad and Kerry? Please.
Showing memes to a young menial?
Tale as old as time.
SHIV: No, he hates
the close-proximity bang.
ROMAN: He's still really
into blowjobs, I hear.
SHIV: You just wanna give him
a blowjob, so stop projecting.
-Hey, Romulus! (GRUNTS)
-ROMAN: I do.
SHIV: Looks like he wants one
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well played, the internet.
-LOGAN: Okay, um Shiv
-You're disgusting.
HUGO: Okay, so, your dad
has been drawing up
priorities for the weekend.
He wants everyone hitting
anti-tech positions hard.
Regulate and strangulate.
They're getting too powerful.
Everybody knows it.
"Stop tech eating our lunch."
Put in a new friend at the top,
one who won't fire up Justice
about our, um, boring old case.
SHIV: Yeah, and maybe eat
a bellyful of humble pie
about accidentally knocking
over their president
and smashing him on the floor.
ROMAN: Boo-hoo.
It's not our fault
the president's brain
couldn't thunk good no more.
HUGO: Go offense.
Spread it around that
if the Raisin goes for us,
he's, uh, politicizing
the Cruises case.
"It's so sad.
His justice department
has a grudge."
I might have heard
that the deputy AG
has a picture of me
on her dartboard,
which is
We-- Have Ha--
Have we heard that? Or--
HUGO: That is the rumor
that's going around.
SHIV: Yeah. Funny how
these rumors get started.
HUGO: Yeah.
It's disgusting.
Hey, you mind
if I jump in with you, Dad?
Okay, Pinkie.
SHIV: Can we go
up a degree in the back?
You okay?
You gonna be a fucking sourpuss?
SHIV: (SCOFFS) What? No.
No, I just uh
The last time that
we talked properly,
you humiliated me
at the shareholder meeting,
so I thought
I should just check in.
It was a long day,
and I was unwell.
SHIV: Uh-huh.
I wanna say I'm concerned
about who you might
endorse this weekend.
-The vice president.
-You're scared of Dave Boyer?
SHIV: Yeah.
Nothing's more dangerous
than a second-rate individual
who sees his chance.
I need to keep
my spoon in the soup.
SHIV: Fine, and
I don't think this is the place
to let Roman be the mouthpiece.
-He's maturing.
-SHIV: Yeah, and I love him,
but he fucked the phone call
with the Raisin,
that's an existential risk,
and the only solid thing
he actioned in LA, Dad,
was the movie Dr. Honk,
about the man
who could talk to cars.
-SHIV: Yeah.
But we're walking in there
with a hundred different aims,
and I think
some nuance is required.
I'm just glad that we still have
a company to act on behalf of,
thanks to me.
Kerry, get Shiv a fucking medal.
-All right, enough!
-Let's go.
Don't touch me!
HUGO: Okay, so,
if you guys go to your left,
the elevator's to the left.
I have your room keys,
and welcome drinks
start in 20 minutes.
Wow, you can really
smell the panic.
Berlin Bunker vibes.
It is rather pungent.
Oh, Ms. Libtard,
how do you like spelunking
in the elephant's asshole?
-I'm just a corporate observer.
Well, wait
till the weekend's over.
We'll get our white
cis male stank all over you.
PETE: It's just such a thrill.
I'm probably the biggest
Con-head in Oklahoma.
Of course! Panhandle Pete!
You've met Maxim Pierce?
He's my intellectual heft.
-My Beltway Buddha.
I push him, he pushes me,
and around and around we go!
Is it just me, or in a room
full of Timothy McVeighs,
does Connor suddenly
look like a Roosevelt?
It's Panhandle Pete!
Frowny Face here
wanted to stay home
and work on her play,
but duty calls
for my leggy Mary Todd.
Mm. No, it's fine. I can totally
just write the play on my phone.
So, uh, how did you two meet?
BOTH: Online.
Hi, folks. Just for a second.
Quiet for just a second.
I want to thank you all for
being here on such short notice
and I want to thank you
for keeping
your attendance private.
Uh What we do here
at the Future Freedom Summit
is of the utmost importance
to our party and our country.
I-- I happen to believe
the next president
of the United States
is somewhere in this very room.
-He is, and he's hard as a rock.
may God shepherd
(CHUCKLES) this person.
The health of our republic
depends on it.
GUEST: And the health
of my portfolio.
-PETKUS: And that.
To the republic!
To the republic! Thank you.
The republic!
Ron Petkus blew
his son's archery instructor.
True story.
ROMAN: Blew his arch-- Whoa!
Um Some guy with an undercut
just called me "soy boy."
Oh, don't worry, Greg.
It's a nice safe space
where you don't have to pretend
to like Hamilton.
Well, I like Hamilton.
Sure, you do. We all do.
So, what-- what--
what is this, actually, here?
ROMAN: This is just
a nice political conference
of like-minded donors
and intellectuals.
-AKA picking the next president.
Selecto el presidento.
That's not--
That's not really how it works.
Yeah, no, sure, but yeah.
(HESITATES) But is that,
like, constitutional?
Oh, I don't know, Greg.
You wanna call a referee?
Is there an ombudsman
in the house?
-Well. Here they are.
an ombudsman?
The family who lost us
a presidency.
(SMACKS LIPS) How is he?
The Raisin.
He's out of a job in six months,
lame in the interim,
and the GOP is in flames.
We're all doing backflips.
ROMAN: Sorry about that.
He's got a serious condition.
We felt the country
needed to know.
-So, uh, what are you hearing?
Well, with the president out,
we need a nominee.
-So welcome to Clown Town.
Six months to election day
and no candidate.
Super Tuesday's gone,
ballots are already finalized.
The delegates will choose
at the RNC, of course, but
I think we can all be real
and say we need
to choose here first.
It's Boyer, right?
We're going Boyer?
Yup. Cleanest option
is the vice president.
The party needs to be united.
So I hope, since you started
this mess,
you can help us clear it up?
-Dave's good. I like Dave.
-We all like Dave.
Steady old plow horse.
I heard his daughter
has made him go vegetarian.
-Did you hear that?
No. Oh, no. I think
I've seen him eat a meatball.
Secret herbivore. Right here.
-Boyer, it's his turn.
I don't really mind
the lip-licking thing.
-Is it bad?
-Not really. It's-- It just--
When you notice it,
you definitely
notice it.
As long as he doesn't do it
much during the debates,
we should be fine.
GLYN: Guy must have
the wettest lips
in North America.
Yeah, it's like he's
a cartoon bear
and there's always
a picnic hamper nearby.
Yeah, but Dave's great.
Congratulations, by the way.
Oh, okay.
Uh, for what? (SCOFFS)
What have I done now?
GLYN: For the wedding.
Your mother.
Your mother
is Caroline Collingwood, no?
-And she's getting married, no?
-To Peter Munion?
No. No, she's in a relationship
with a canoe-shaped
gentleman named Rory.
GLYN: Nope.
Maybe it was somebody else,
then. Pretty su-- No!
Oh! Look at that!
You know how it is.
Families. (CHUCKLES) Could you
forward that to me, actually?
Thank you. I'll, uh,
see you around. Thank you.
GLYN: Okay.
Hey, could you excuse us
for just a moment?
-Certainly. Certainly.
-Thank you so much.
Did you know about this,
you withholding bitch?
SHIV: Uh, what?
You know, Glyn,
the, uh, Brexit pervert?
Yeah, he just sent this to me.
Apparently, our mother
is marrying a Peter Munion.
-What? Who's Peter Onion?
-I don't fucking know.
Wonder if that first-born fucker
SHIV: Mm-hmm. Call him.
Sorry, just give me a second.
Yeah, what?
ROMAN: I'm here with Shiv.
Just wanted to let you know
new dad just dropped.
I'm sorry, what?
Yeah, Mommy's
getting remarried, dingus!
-Did you know?
-Of course he didn't know.
Ken bores the shit out of Mom.
KENDALL: What are you
even talking about?
You mean, uh, Rory?
SHIV: Uh No.
She took the view, "Fuck Rory."
KENDALL: Hey, Shiv, is it true?
You at the hate-fest fest?
Burning books
and measuring skulls
-down in Nuremberg, Virginia?
What are you doing
with your weekend?
Planning to send us all to jail?
Your favorite?
All right. Just, uh,
wanted to let you know
Mommy still doesn't love you.
Bye, Ken, bye.
Hey, man, I--
I just wanted to, uh,
broach something with you.
Broach away, Greg.
So, yeah, look, I'm--
I'm pretty anxious. Um
Ken is saying he might burn me.
Are you threatening me?
You can't threaten me.
I'm immune.
No, Tom, I was just
thinking about advice.
Because I'm
(WHISPERS) I'm obsessing
over the "prison" of it all.
And, uh, I just need to know
how to stop thinking.
-It's just constant.
I tried that. Doesn't work.
No, what I'm preferring
is to always think about it.
And then, when you don't,
for a moment, it's like,
"Ooh! Someone's loosened
their icy grip on my innards."
I like that. I like it.
So, you wanna try?
-SHIV: Mm-hmm?
-It's the Spätburgunder.
Our vineyard!
Oh, screw top. Oh.
and brown avatars to smear
SHIV: Do you hear
Boyer's losing juice now?
And the Democratic Party
TOM: So, it's biodynamic.
(SNIFFS) It has quite a funk
to it.
MENCKEN: engineered
by the DNC and the LSM
in conjunction
with their Big Tech overlords.
Now, the rest of us
You kind of have to
meet it halfway, right?
-SHIV: You know, it's
-(INHALES) earthy.
-TOM: Yeah.
Kinda Mm
There's lots to unpack. It's--
It's not-- It's not floral.
It's not sugary or
It's-- It's-- It's
It's quite agricultural,
you know.
It's-- It's-- It's-- It's--
You know you're not a bigot
It's not very nice, is it?
The wine, Shiv?
REPORTER: It's true.
We see this a lot,
-this so-called apology
-You know,
if Boyer flames out,
then maybe it's time to
It might be time to pivot party.
So, my prison consultant called
and it looks like
the place upstate might be full.
MENCKEN: disempower
the white working class
SHIV: Mm-hmm?
-It's all the same.
-Well, you're tired.
You'll feel better about that
in the morning.
Oh, yeah?
One day closer
to my incarceration, right?
Apparently, the food in jail
is really bland. Um
I mean, I know it's the same
-every day, but it's--
I don't get why you keep
wanting to talk about it.
(LAUGHS) Okay, I'm sorry.
Does the topic of my imminent
imprisonment bore you?
SHIV: Come on! You're just--
You're obsessing! I just--
I can't keep going
round and round, okay?
Honey, I don't know
what else there is to say.
I'm sorry.
TOM: Oh, sure. Yeah.
You know what?
(WHISPERS) There's not really
any point.
Uh To making love?
Yeah, well,
you're still on contraception.
It's just like throwing so much
cake batter at a brick wall.
WILLA: I think what I realized
is that I'm just
not that interested in being
a commercial playwright.
I mean, the audience helped you
discover that,
didn't they, babe?
Well, beauty and brains!
Probably shouldn't say that.
Uh Will I be canceled?
(LAUGHS) Oh, no! No. No.
Well, who knows? You know?
The night is young.
Yeah Yeah, I-- I just--
I don't know how you do it.
How do you make up things
that aren't already there?
CONNOR ROY: Oh, you don't know
the half of it.
We talk long into the night.
literary, global,
macro, micro, cosmo!
We bounce off each other.
Well, that sounds delightful.
CONNOR: No. I mean, well, yeah.
Well, you should come
to Pound Ridge one weekend.
-Both of you.
Unless you're tired
or busy, one.
One and all. (LAUGHS)
We'd love that,
wouldn't we, chicken?
(LAUGHS) I don't know
if you're invited.
-CONNOR: Oh, ho, ho! (LAUGHS)
Okay, let me circulate. (GRUNTS)
And I will rehydrate
this gorgeous creature
-on my return.
Fun guy!
Con, maybe don't abandon me
upstate with Larry Lech here.
Okay? It's weird.
Very influential!
We're just showing a bit of leg.
-Yeah, my leg.
-The collective leg!
He's a huge donor!
Maybe I don't wanna
donate my body
to political science, huh?
MENCKEN: Hey, man. What's up?
Oh, okay. Yeah, it's the, uh--
it's the ghost pepper.
The spicy new flavor. Mencken.
So, what's your deal?
Most people here wanna
fuck me or kill me.
-Ooh, wow!
-How about you?
I always found it hard to care
about politics, so
MENCKEN: Mm-hmm? Well, listen.
Here's my party trick,
all right?
Tell me who your enemy is
and I'll tell you who you are.
Put a pin in that one. Um
I've seen your poll numbers.
You're dark-horsin' it.
People are behind your whole
They'd better buy it.
Or I'll send them to the Gulag.
ROMAN: Oh, okay.
Now we're talking.
No, no, no, no. No work camps.
You know
These will be like summer camps.
Summer camps
but with beatings, right?
No, no, no, no. (SHUSHES)
No beatings.
Well, this is nice.
Couple of cool guys
having some disgusting fun.
Do you guys know yet?
Who takes over?
-What's that?
-When the send the old
battle toad off to the hoosegow?
Your dad? Admiral Grope Boat?
Yeah, no, he's not
That's actually not happening.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, that's right.
That's right. No.
That's the line.
Stick to the line. That's good.
TOM: So, according to Steven,
my prison consultant, this is
you know, this is kind of
what the food is like inside.
I'm in training.
How's your omelet?
-Yeah, making some inroads.
-It's like--
GREG: I'm actually glad
you called, Tom.
It's like Afghanistan.
You have to start
in the center there.
You establish
a base of operations.
Then you have to kind of
-move out
to secure more territory.
Yeah, I, uh
I'm worried about prison.
I-- I-- I-- I just feel
because of my physical length,
I could be a target
for all kinds of misadventures--
And it won't taste
as good as this either, okay?
You have to take off
30 to 50 percent of the taste
of that endless salty gym mat
that you're eating.
Camel's labia.
Yeah, like, they wipe their ass
on your pillowcase.
-I know!
-That's something
they'd like to do.
I've read
the prison blogs, Greg.
I know.
You know how, uh
they're calling you that name
around the office, the
you know, the Christmas Tree--
What's good
is to eradicate hope.
They can't get you
if you got no hope.
GREG: It's because I think
You know, if you have a crime,
you need to unload.
They can hang it from you
like an ornament.
I haven't really slept properly
in about eight days.
GREG: It's not a nice name.
But I was wondering,
since, I mean, it looks like
you're going anyway
Is it-- Is it possible
you might (INHALES)
with me?
Are you asking if you can
hook your bauble
of corporate wrongdoing
on one of my
(CHUCKLING) branches, Greg?
I just thought, if--
if it won't make
much difference to you
Fine, okay.
Load me up, you piece of shit.
No quid pro quo?
That's inc-- incredibly kind
of you.
-(INHALES) Can I get this?
-TOM: No.
Greenpeace stole
your inheritance.
Besides, all my meals
will be free soon. So
PROSECUTOR: Okay, Mr. Roy.
Is there any other
illegal conduct
that you're aware of
in connection
to what we've been
talking about today
that we haven't covered?
No. N-- Not that I can
think of now.
At the moment.
Thank you
for your time, Mr. Roy.
-LISA ARTHUR: Thank you.
Thank you.
Good. I think that
you did fine.
It was a good start
and they'll have
another session--
We can say it went badly, Lisa.
It's okay.
Okay, let's maybe just-- We'll--
We'll do the Monday morning
quarterback in a bit.
They spent all day trying
to find hairline fractures
in my story.
Meanwhile, my dad's a fucking
tsunami of corruption.
They don't do cuddles, Ken.
Right, 'cause I--
I know how this works.
Okay? My dad is drowning them
in chickenfeed
and compliance bullshit,
five years go by,
and it-- and it's,
-"Hey! Whatever happened"
"to that big investigation
into the bad people?"
-'Cause you know what?
-They're scared of my dad!
-Come on!
-Come on.
-They pretend they're
on the side of justice.
They pretend they're on the side
of the whistleblowers.
-LISA: Not here. (SHUSHES)
-But they're chickenshit.
Not here!
That should put a rocket
up their asses.
LISA: We do not want this
to get politicized.
Well, everything is politics.
-LISA: Kendall
do you think you're smarter
than me?
What? Do I-- What? No.
-Because maybe you are.
But I am a better lawyer.
You acted high-handed
and defensive
and then oscillated
to wildly over-familiar
and glib. You sometimes
undermined my status
and didn't appear to be frank
about your own involvement.
But let's take stock, okay?
LOGAN: Oh. Oh.
Hey! Logan.
-Dave! How are we?
-DAVE BOYER: Good. Good.
I'm glad I ran into you.
I feel like we've hardly
had a chance to connect.
-Well, here we are.
-BOYER: Here we are.
You've heard they're calling
this the ATN Primary?
LOGAN: Oh, I wouldn't worry
about all that.
(INHALES) You know,
one of the things I
wanted to discuss
with you is, um
is controlling Tech.
That's a big, big plank for me.
LOGAN: Oh, that's interesting.
-That's really interesting.
-BOYER: Uh-huh. Sure.
Sure, and I-- I-- I
can sometimes fear a degree
of legal overreach
against you legacy media guys.
You heard this thing
that the deputy AG
has a dartboard
with my face on it?
I mean, I think that's
-just a rumor.
I mean, to me, it's one
of those things
where even if it isn't real,
a reason
it feels like it is, right?
(INHALES) Right.
LOGAN: Okay. (CLAPS) Good.
Look, I'm just gonna be straight
with you.
I like you.
Petkus and the big-dollar guys
are on the fence.
Let's-- Let's--
Let's make this happen.
Yeah? I just need you to
push me over the brink here.
Great. I get it.
See you at dinner.
LOGAN: I think he's been waiting
there for me
for the last ten
fucking minutes.
KENDALL: Okay, okay, okay, so
Comfrey, Lisa's out.
Turns out she's a toxic person.
You know, and once-- once I get
the new legal A-team in place,
we gotta put that out
with the right context.
Yeah, it's not a big deal.
It's an opportunity.
We just-- We just,
you know, flip a big name.
-Boom! It's all good.
-It's all good.
-Right. Cool, I will tell Barry.
Okay, guys! B-day!
Big, big, big four-oh.
-How are we looking?
-Shit slaps!
Yeah? You think? What was--
What was the one I liked?
-What's the one I liked?
-Uh "End times"?
-Weimar meets Carthage
-meets Dante meets AI and
-KENDALL: Right.
That's kinda dope, though.
I mean, but aren't
Zadie Smith and fucking
Chuck D and Lucas Madsen
gonna come
to my antibiotics party?
-(LAUGHS) I don't know
-Will he meet?
-He's not picking up
to any of our numbers.
-Okay. Well, get me new numbers.
Just-- Let's keep calling.
Keep calling.
-He is priority one, Jess.
Well, my grandpa
gave my inheritance
to Greenpeace,
and then someone posted
a comment on their website
and it could contain
a slight on my character,
and then Greenpeace
promoted the comment,
and so my lawyer thinks
that that's defamation
so yeah, that-- that's how
I'm trying to sue Greenpeace.
Is that Shiv Roy?
Oh, Mr. Salgado.
-Good to see you here.
Does this mean
you've finally come
to your senses?
Oh, no. Just shopping
in the marketplace of ideas.
RICK SALGADO: Step on in, Shiv.
The water's fine.
Hey, I don't mean
to bum rush you here, but
could you help me out?
There's a feeding frenzy
around your dad, and I'm
trying to stand apart
from the rest of the, you know--
The total fucking whack jobs?
Don't get me wrong.
I'm with the base.
-Energy is extraordinary.
I just think I can bring
traditional conservatives
to a more diverse dialogue.
ATN hasn't given you
a lot of shine. It's true.
Not to be indiscreet, but, um
I just feel
if I was in the White House
and you were in the C-suite,
we could mold.
Oh, wow!
Sir, you are very forward.
-SALGADO: Was that forward?
Get your old man
to make me president.
I'll see to it
that you become CEO,
even if I have
to send your dad to prison.
Wow, that is, uh--
That's very funny.
So, it's decided?
You land this for me,
I send your dad up the river?
Uh Yeah, I mean, unless
unless he resigns in a month!
-Clean kill, baby.
Good stuff.
Okay, very funny!
Look, you want some advice?
Hoard mackerel tins.
I know. Sounds funny, right?
But you're gonna need them
for bartering.
Greg, can you?
Will you keep a note?
-Oh, yeah.
-Oh, and the toilet.
Your toilet
is your stair machine,
it's your bench,
it's, uh your fridge,
it's your
(CHUCKLES) lover,
it's-- it's-- it's your brother,
it's your priest.
Oh, and also, most importantly,
it's also your toilet.
-Right. Right. (LAUGHS)
Yeah, that's-- that--
I mean, that's-- yeah, that's--
So, that's a big part of prison?
It could be a perfect gentleman.
Could also be
a terrible bastard.
Your toilet can be a bastard?
PETKUS: Key is unity.
If we land a favorite,
I can pool the big money.
But I need to know the messaging
will be there to back me up.
I like him,
but a lot of people are asking,
"Is Boyer a fighter?"
LOGAN: I don't care
about the resume
or ideological purity
as long as they get it
and they pop.
If you're looking
for someone who gets it,
I got your man.
Connor Roy.
He's got a brand name,
war chest, populist appeal
-and he's a fighter.
-CONNOR: Hey, thanks, Pete.
I believe I speak for my father
when I offer
a firm and robust
-No comment. (CHUCKLES)
-I could see Connor.
-Sure, I agree.
The sword has been pulled
from the stone, my liege.
Look at us, playing nice.
People might think
we liked each other.
No. No, what?
Hey, I'm a conservative.
I like tradition.
I doff my cap
to Vice President Boyer's
years of loyal service.
Thank you.
I believe you used to call me
"Martin Van Boring."
Hey! Come on!
No, I still call you that.
Mencken and I may differ
in some areas, but, uh
we both agree
that this is the party
of the working class now.
-BOYER: What? Shiv?
All the riches counties
in America are blue.
The Democrats and Tech
hold all the wealth.
I just think some of us
get so high off owning the libs,
we forget to talk policy.
Yeah, Rick loves to talk policy.
What he does is he memorizes
a National Review issue
from 2012
and then,
he recites it back to you.
-Cool policy, bro.
-And Jeryd hates to talk policy
because it would mean,
you know, having one.
Sick burn, brosef!
MENCKEN: Oh, no, no, no.
We're kidding. We're kidding.
We like each other. I--
I listen to his speeches
every night.
They help me drop off.
Maybe it's boring talking
about populist solutions
-for working families.
-Rick, come on!
You jerked off
to Reagan's headshot
for 30 years,
and now you're Tom Joad?
Ugh, God!
It's so fucking boring.
-What's that?
-SHIV: Hmm?
No, I've just-- I've seen
your thing quite a lot.
And that-- What's that?
What's my thing?
YouTube provocateur bullshit.
"Rape is natural.
It's all red pill, baby."
I'm just
I'm just so fucking over it.
Have you read Plato?
Uh Yeah.
Remind me. What happens?
Read Plato. Read Plato!
(LAUGHS) Oh, don't want to!
Don't fucking want to.
See, he doesn't actually want
to have a conversation.
-SHIV: Yeah.
-He just wants to yell
loud enough
-SHIV: Yeah.
-to get on ATN.
Nah! Fuck ATN!
No, really, ATN is treated
as a bulwark, but it's dead.
It's basically
a pudding cup at 5:00 p.m.
in the nursing home.
Honestly. Doesn't speak to me.
Doesn't speak to the--
the people that I talk to.
It is status quo bedtime stories
to maximize shareholder value.
No disrespect, Logan Roy
was an icon, but, you know
he's no longer relevant.
-You recognize this fucker?
Fucking jelly-boned, low-T,
pip-pip cheerio fucker!
You told Dad yet?
No. We have to stop
the wedding, though. Right?
What? Stop obsessing
over Mom's new husband.
-Just get over it. Who cares?
-Get over it?
It just fucking happened.
My mother is marrying
some dickhead
crooked-toothed turnip man.
What's wrong is how little
you care about it,
-you frozen bitch.
-Poor Rome!
His dreams of porking Mom
slipping through his little
lubed-up fingers.
Hey, so! Come in! Come in!
Is Greg necessary?
Just keep your trap shut.
-All right, thank you, sir.
Minimizing the Greg window.
LOGAN: There's a lot
of chaff flying.
A lot of flapping.
But Ron and me
are going to meet and figure out
how we can pull
for the same name.
We need one voice on this,
or we could fall apart
and hand it to the fuck-fuck
donkey gang.
-HUGO: Right.
who do we like?
Well, shouldn't we kick it
around a bit?
You know, it feels like
it's poised,
so if you and Petkus
come together and--
and then the other donors
follow, then it's--
We're picking.
We haven't got all night.
I like Connor Roy.
SHIV: Honestly, Dad,
I think you go Dems.
-SHIV: Yeah, I do.
ROMAN: Jesus Christ.
Um, I
kinda like Mencken, but
I know he's kind of shitty,
so if it's now, I guess, Boyer,
but can I just say
I don't like Boyer--
-What? What's with the fucking--
-SHIV: Roman.
No disrespect,
but Boyer's yesterday's papers.
The Dems will run on change
and blow him away.
ROMAN: Ooh, Mrs. Politics!
How many big races did you win
as a consultant?
-Four? Three? Did you win two?
-Roman! Boyer is not a winner,
-and we know that.
Okay, well, then,
should we talk to Mencken,
-see if we can deal?
-The base does like him.
look, can I say something?
Uh No.
Mencken is an integralist,
nativist fuckhead. He's toxic.
He's "Medicare for all,
abortions for none."
And his idea of diplomacy
is shooting roe deer
with Viktor Orban
and then starting
a trade war with China.
Look, I'm tough. I know that
there's the carnival bark
and then there's
the fucking show, but
he is outside the American
political tradition.
And I think we have
a responsibility as Waystar
-to the
-American Republic and--
and to the future of--
-Fuck you, Roman!
-Four score years
and whatever
-SHIV: No, he's talked about--
-my sister did bring forth
from her bedroom
a cup of milky sputum.
-You done?
-ROMAN: Yeah, done.
He's talked about burning Korans
-and licensing
press credentials.
He's shifting
the Overton window. (LAUGHS)
SHIV: I'm surprised you know
what that fucking is.
-I do.
-SHIV: He's opening it
-and throwing
union organizers out of it.
-ROMAN: Oh, my God.
Stop Chicken Littling us.
It just makes us
wanna all have a nap.
SHIV: Stop being
a dirty little pixie
whispering swastikas
in Dad's ear.
Boom! There you go again!
So fucking route one!
I'm not saying it's going to be
the full Third Reich,
but I am genuinely concerned
that we could slide into a
(INHALES) into a--
a Russian Berlusconied
Brazilian fuck pile.
You have a trophy husband
and several fur coats.
-I think you're gonna be fine.
Who do you like?
Me? I, uh
I think Shiv
Shiv talks a lot of sense.
But I also jibe with Salgado.
Oh, you "jibe" with him?
-Pretty sure that's racist, Tom.
-GREG: May I, uh--
-Sorry, do I get a vote?
-ROMAN: Sure you do, buddy.
You get to vote at the election
with all the other folks.
All right, yeah.
Well, I guess, I just feel
like you maybe get a bigger vote
-in here.
-ROMAN: Easy, Castro.
Boyer is likely to be flexible
over the DOJ.
Not if he doesn't win,
which he won't.
Although, we are hearing rumors
that the case is weakening.
And that no one big
-is likely to do jail time.
HUGO: With the notable exception
of Tom, obviously.
-Sorry, Tom.
-No, please, Hugo. Understood.
Look, if you don't go blue, Dad,
then at least we have to be
-backing Salgado.
CONNOR: Señor Dickless.
Captain of the Tampa Bay
Uh Cyd. Sorry.
-Duty calls.
-SHIV: Look, I don't like him.
He's a neocon
pretending to be a Paleocon,
-but he at least talks base,
-TOM: Hello?
-TOM: Uh-huh?
Where are you right now?
Uh Virginia.
KENDALL: No, where are you
in the building?
Shiv, can I just say,
and I know that we have had
our differences,
but I do think you are so brave
for picking the brown man.
I think that we should get
you a medal.
-SHIV: Amazing.
-A special medal,
for white women
-who like brown men.
-Just being a racist now.
"I'm a good girl.
I pretend to care about people
'cause no one cares about me."
Oh, yeah, actually, do you have
something you wanna tell Dad?
From Mom? A message that maybe
you could share, Rome?
Uh Yeah, wow. Fuck you!
Thanks, I do.
I have a message, uh, yeah.
Uh Mom's getting remarried.
To Bertie Woofter?
Uh No, to Peter, um
uh Pe-- uh-- Munion.
-Peter Munion.
-You're fucking kidding?
The seat sniffer?
(SCOFFS) He's been hanging
-(LAUGHING) for forty years.
-Yeah, and, uh, she would--
they would love it, apparently,
if you came
to their big Tuscan wedding.
Ooh! Lah-di-dah! (INHALES)
And they sent you
as messenger boy?
-Hey, man.
-TOM: Hey.
Thanks for coming.
So, I will take the, uh,
Griddle Hero special, please.
With double hash browns.
Fully loaded.
And a plain waffle
and a-- and a large cup
of room-temperature water.
Thank you.
I might just watch him.
You know that Rasputin would
take a dose of arsenic,
uh, with breakfast each morning
to build up his tolerance?
Look, so
I think you know
I've always liked you, Tom.
Well, I like you too, Kendall.
I mean, I have notes.
-Oh, no. I have notes.
I think mine
might be more extensive
-KENDALL: I don't know. (LAUGHS)
-than yours. (LAUGHS)
KENDALL: But look. I think
I can get you out of this mess,
where you're going.
TOM: Well, uh
nothing is certain, so
KENDALL: You know
they're calling you
the Christmas tree?
Perhaps that's because
I'm tall and jolly.
KENDALL: Maybe. You think?
But I think maybe you don't want
to be the chip
the company offers up
when it has no choice.
obviously, I would prefer that
not to happen,
but, um
-it's complicated.
-KENDALL: It is.
But I'm here to ask,
are you interested
in an alternative,
I have, of late, uh,
decided not to tarry
too much with hope.
Okay, well, my case is
It's strong. It's--
No, it's-- it's
(SCOFFS) My case is fine.
It has gaps.
But if I had someone
who could say
that nothing gets signed off on
without my dad's say-so,
which I think we both know
to be true
-Ooh, I--
I don't know
that I do know that, Ken.
Yeah, I'm just
a humble servant, Ken.
I admire you, man.
I do, I fucking-- You know?
You-- You-- You're-- Look at--
You're a long way from home.
You're far from the tree.
You've played your hand well,
and you're sitting
at the top table.
Well, shucks. Thank you.
I fell in love with your sister.
That's what happened.
Sure. Oh, yeah.
Right, right, right.
Sure. Sure, man.
The country mouse
and the hot tamale.
And you're just, uh
what? Just--
I suppose you're just
a long glass of water.
-No agenda?
-I guess.
here's how it goes.
I have new lawyers,
who are fucking amazing.
I do not underestimate
the cognitive dissonance
you're experiencing.
Lying, hiding.
But pretty soon,
granted immunity.
And you're not going to prison.
How does that sound?
I guess there are other names.
LOGAN: We have to be united
on this.
-It's a disaster if we splinter.
Salgado has great narrative.
Quit butt-huffing Salgado, Shiv.
We all supported
your little DC lemonade stand,
but this is the fucking
real world.
This actually matters.
SHIV: Roman, you just love
the boot
-'cause you love
to be kicked by it.
LOGAN: What?
Nothing. No.
What about Connor?
CONNOR: Interesting.
I do believe that idea
has good promise.
I do.
I could see it.
Well, if you can see it,
should we talk about it?
-LOGAN: Kids?
sure, I don't know.
Like, but, like, really?
I guess.
Sure. I don't know.
They're all fucking weirdos
anyway, so why not?
-No offense, Con.
-None taken.
I mean, he's a good-looking kid.
He's smart in his way.
Fucking Joe Kennedy
did it for his boys? (CHUCKLES)
So let's get him in there
with a smile and a shoeshine
and get Ron and everyone
behind him.
I would fight so fuckin' hard
for this family, Pop.
As a political consultant,
what do you think?
-LOGAN: Come on.
Well-- Okay, well,
not huge name ID,
but the family name
will be a factor and
A positive. One of many.
Uh He's got no track record.
Nothing to beat me with.
I'm a clean skin.
And I guess, in terms of
and connection skills
Tick, tick.
-He can walk and chew gum.
He pisses pretty straight.
CONNOR: Pretty damn straight.
I piss policy laser.
Okay, um, are we being
serious about this?
We're talking about trying
to make Connor president
of the United States of America.
Crap pants!
Roman, it's a big tent.
Why don't you just come in?
Sure, I might call
the guy who waxes my balls.
-He's a possible.
-CONNOR: Jesus.
LOGAN: Greg!
LOGAN: Would you vote
for Connor?
LOGAN: Honestly.
Uh-- Uh-- Honestly,
uh, yeah, I-- I
It depends. I-- I think
I think I could see myself, uh,
spoiling my ballot
-in his favor. (HESITATES)
Depending on the opposition.
LOGAN: What do you think, Shiv?
Is it nuts?
I love Con. I do. But
if-- if we're talking about this
seriously, I think we have to
look at Salgado!
-Can I bring him up here?
-Oh, come on.
(SMACKS LIPS) Hugo. Call Boyer.
Okay, if-- if she's bringing up
Soggy Salgado,
then I want to see
if we can tame Mencken, okay?
Oh, for fuck's sake!
BOYER: Hello?
Hi! Dave!
It's Logan.
How are you?
BOYER: Uh G-- Good, Logan.
How are you?
LOGAN: Oh, I'm fine.
We're all fine.
I'm here in my suite.
Uh Would you fancy
stopping by?
Uh, it's pretty late, Logan.
LOGAN: Uh-huh.
BOYER: But s-- sure. Sure.
Great. Great.
And Dave, listen, um
my fridge is bare.
I don't suppose you could
run me over a Coke?
BOYER: Did you mean
to call room service?
If you don't have a Coke,
is there something else?
Could you fire
the deputy attorney general?
BOYER: Fire the deputy
attorney general?
I'm kidding. (CHUCKLES)
Come on over.
Have a chat.
If it's convenient.
BOYER: Sure,
I'll be over in a few minutes.
Thank you, Hugo.
-Take the boy and go.
-Um Yeah. Yeah.
I-- I-- I will go. I--
I just want to say, I think
I-- I-- I think I owe it
to my country to say
I don't think you should crown--
or make Connor president.
That's it. Thank you.
Good night. Sorry.
So-- So, what do you think?
-Let me think.
-Yeah, take your time.
-I see it's tough for you.
You know, my dad seems powerful.
Shiv seems safe.
But, uh
I don't know.
You think she'll still be there?
Waiting for you after prison?
How exactly does it work if I
if I do come over to you?
I mean, how--
how is it better
for me when I tell my wife
whom I love,
and this family,
that I'm turning against them?
She'll respect you.
Tell her, "What's she doing?"
Bring her over.
Logan goes down.
Shiv knows
who the fucking man is.
Come on, man.
But h-- And I don't mean
to be insulting, but,
having been around a bit
my hunch
is that you're
going to get fucked
because I've seen you
get fucked a lot.
And I've never seen
Logan get fucked once.
-(SCOFFS) Nice. Classy.
Okay, I gotta go.
Do you know what they're doing
up in the suite?
They're picking
the next president.
Greg! Greg! Greg!
(SHOUTING) Fuck Greenpeace!
-GREG: Uh-- No--
-Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg!
-I'm all right.
-Oh-- Okay. (CHUCKLES)
BOYER: Obviously, we take
the integrity
of the Justice Department
very seriously.
But there is always
the question of overreach.
So, yeah, on Tech, I mean
the strategy is clear.
I hear you about Gojo.
I personally don't think
there would be
any regulatory issues.
thank you, Dave.
Thank you, Mr. Vice President.
You've, uh, given us
a lot to think about.
-SHIV: Great to see you again.
-You too.
Wonderful to see you again,
my very good adversary.
So, just wanted to
chit-chat a little bit.
That was funny earlier,
you know.
You tripping the light fantastic
on Grandpappy's nutsack.
When I called your dad bullshit?
I mean, did that bump?
Oh, yeah, yeah,
never heard that before.
Like, that was, like,
hardcore and junk.
'Cause the thing is,
this monkey don't dance.
-This monkey right here?
This dancing monkey
in Dad's bathroom doesn't dance?
MENCKEN: That's right.
Um So
I did want to
talk to you about something.
And fuck it,
I'll just come out and say it.
Fascists are kind of cool
but not really. So, is that,
like, a problem, a thing?
MENCKEN: (SIGHS) Seriously?
Me? I just
I don't have
a lot of boundaries.
St. Augustine, Thomas Aquinas,
I'll borrow from anyone.
And, you know
if Franco or H or Travis Bickle
had a good pitch, fuck it!
-I'm a man for all seasons.
-Mm-hmm. "H"?
You know, there was
a very naughty boy named "H."
I'm a fully-fledged,
small-D democrat.
A well-regulated election
is a transmission frequency
for God's grace.
ROMAN: Holy shit. You really are
a Christian, aren't you?
Well, no, no, no.
My only thing is, like,
who's the stakeholder, right?
I've been tending, you know,
my little garden for, like,
a hundred years, and then
forty new guys show up
in the back of a truck
playing their boombox,
and it's put to a vote,
and they decide to, uh,
give my farm to them.
I mean (SCOFFS) I'm like,
"So sorry, what happened?"
Maybe you have to put in, right?
-Before you get to take out.
-ROMAN: Yeah.
Okay, well, then, you know
who gets to, uh
who gets to join?
people trust people
who look like them.
That's just a scientific fact.
They will give more
tax dollars to help them.
you can integrate new elements,
of course, but come on, man!
I mean, fuck!
I like this country.
-MENCKEN: Let's just take a beat
before we fundamentally alter
its composition?
And in terms of, you know,
this here.
There's a thing here, right?
-And I get it. You're
You're fucking 6G,
and we're Betamax,
but, you know, you need us.
I think.
Our news, our viewers,
those fucking almost-deads,
that's a big slice of pie.
Well, if I'm the nominee,
are any of them
really going to vote against me?
No, but
you know, it's going to be
a fucking shit show
going into the convention.
I think you could
really use our push.
I think you could use mine.
Where are you in all this?
S Me, Roman?
Uh You know.
-I'm creeping on the come-up.
-Oh, yeah?
ROMAN: Yeah. I've got some ideas
for ATN, you know.
Sluice out the fucking porridge
and add some sriracha.
Poach some of those TikTok
psychos, you know?
E-girls with fucking guns
and Juul pods, you know?
Give me some straight shot
Blacks and Latinos.
No more of this fucking
pillows and bedpans, you know.
We're strictly bone broth
and dick pills.
Deep state conspiracy hour
but with, like, a fucking wink,
you know? Funny.
(CLAPS) And the whole show
is kinda set up for the star.
President Jeryd Mencken.
Heard you wanted one.
Thank you.
Anointed with a Coke.
(SMACKS LIPS) That was nice.
-He's nice.
-He's (SCOFFING) not nice.
-He's not!
-ROMAN: Dad?
I know we came to the market
to buy you a nice milk cow
but we found ourselves
a fucking T-rex, okay?
He's box office.
The guy is fucking diesel.
I mean, he's good on camera.
He's fun. He'll fight.
Viewers will eat from his hand.
-No downside.
-SHIV: Oh, yeah.
Let's just invade Poland, Dad.
No downside.
No, his chief of staff
broke a kid's jaw at a rally!
If we don't come
to an accommodation,
we get outflanked, and we lose
the ATN dollar machine
when we need cash to fight Tech.
Right? And buy Gojo.
(SLAPS THIGHS) Shiv wants
her way, I want my way,
Connor wants his way,
so that's even.
SHIV: It's not even!
My opinion counts for more!
No-- It does!
It just fucking does!
Okay? I know this. I know!
People hate him.
They fucking hate this guy!
You have to look at the climate.
Climate said I was going down.
Climate said
I should just step aside.
I guess
I'm a climate denier.
Uh? I'm sorry,
this is how it happens?
-Good night.
-SHIV: Dad?
Dad! Come on! He's just--
He's fucking dangerous!
Definitely fucking.
Looks like your polling
was off again, Shiv.
Let's go.
So, I saw you.
Looked like you were having
a whale of a time
flying on the wings
of white power.
Yeah, yeah.
I was, uh, commandeered.
Did it feel good
as the fascists
hoisted you aloft
like the Stanley Cup?
Mencken's gonna take
the weekend straw poll,
and Petkus has confirmed
he's backing.
Sunday show
pushed him this morning.
Let's see if this horse can run.
couldn't quite
seal the deal.
And here I was thinking that
you were gonna be the man
to put my dad in prison.
-SALGADO: Right.
-(SHOUTS) Siobhan!
Speak of the devil.
You take care. Good to see you.
We're doing photos.
-Family photo.
-SHIV: Uh-- With him?
No. No.
We're all in it. Let's go.
You've got enough people
in the shot.
I'm good.
Get in the photo, please.
Siobhan, are you part
of this family or not?
SHIV: Not standing next to him.
I'll be in the photo
but not right by him.
You win, Pinkie.
You win.
You did good this weekend, son.
HUGO: Next to the congressman.
-LOGAN: Mr. Mencken.
-HUGO: Roman.
-LOGAN: Congratulations.
-Thank you.
HUGO: Okay, everybody,
just be casual. Relax. Smile.
Little chin down, Mr. Men--
And one, two, three.
-HUGO: Great! Great. Perfect.
-Thank you. Super.
-LOGAN: Good.
HUGO: Great. Okay.
Thank you. Should we get--
Should we get a couple
of just Um
Previous EpisodeNext Episode