Survival of the Thickest (2023) s01e04 Episode Script

Are You Crying, Bitch?

Wild thing ♪
Uh! Ah!
- Wild thing ♪
- Wild thing ♪
Wild thing ♪
Okay ♪
One time for the big girls
In the crowd ♪
- Hey! ♪
- Hear me now ♪
Go on, sis, yeah
Show 'em how to work it out ♪
- Mavis.
- Hey.
I have an event
that I'm gonna need you to dress me for.
It's a wedding.
And this wedding is going to be
the event of the season.
I'm talking socialites,
tastemakers, Hollywood royalty.
It'll be more important
than Meghan Markle's.
- What?
- Yeah.
What could be more important than
our first Black princess? I am interested.
It's Kristin's!
Okay. Kristin who?
Bell? Chenoweth? Wiig with two i's? Ugh.
So funny. So German. Love her. Ah!
- Which Kristin is it?
- Kristin.
My Kristin.
Kristin Karina.
Kristin your dog.
Her dog. Your dog.
Kristin, hi, is getting married.
She's getting married.
Okay. To whom?
Tooty Delane!
Okay, Tooty Delane.
And Tooty Delane is also a dog?
Keep the fuck up. Jesus Christ, Mavis.
Tooty Delane!
The house of Avery Delane.
This is really hard to watch,
but I will do it.
Avery Delane, the human supermodel?
Wait a minute. Didn't you, like,
throw her off a runway one time?
Twice. She's a complete cunt.
And you're gonna be dressing her.
And me and Kristin and Tooty.
Oh, and also,
it's some kind of animal charity event
because Avery pretends
to be a philanthropist.
She means a coke addict
who has fundraisers.
As long as the money's
goin' to a good place, who am I to judge?
Oh my God! This is so exciting!
The whole thing is gonna be covered
by People magazine.
Oh my God! Natasha, that is amazing! Wow!
Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow!
I am excited, Natasha.
This is really great exposure for me.
- Thank you!
- Ew!
Get off me.
I am so far away.
So me and India.
We still hookin' up, and it's good.
And I'm talkin'
I mean, like, good good. Right?
But, you know,
we don't ever do that thing that's like
like when she'll put her body
next to my body,
and then we just, like, lay there
for, like, I don't know, like,
like, seven to, like, 32 minutes
at a time, you know what I mean?
Nigga, you mean like cuddlin'?
For real.
I'm Straight up, I'm just trying
to figure out what's going on with her.
You know what?
You should just keep it simple
like me and Luca do.
Don't ask too many questions.
We just get naked
and dirty whisper on FaceTime.
And the high-speed Internet,
I mean, that really makes a difference.
The best $46.99 I'll spend a month.
I love that for you. Mavis, I really do.
But just remember one thing.
There's a lot of dicks in the sea.
New York's an ocean.
You know what? That is beautiful, Marley.
You are like a Brené Brown titty,
and I'm like
your Puerto Rican Dolly Parton.
Y'all done?
Look, India been coming to my class
for eight weeks,
and we vibin' and chillin'.
I feel like we click.
But outside of class,
it's just sex at my place.
Never seen her place. I don't even know
what her bathroom look like.
It sounds like you like her.
Yeah, as a person.
Like, she cool.
- But it's not like what you're talk about.
- Oh, boy, please.
If you don't go somewhere
with your remedial romantic skills.
Okay, Marley. How romantic is it for you
to be hookin' up with your trainer?
Oh, wait a minute now.
Don't be comin' for my trainer, honey,
because I'm multitaskin'.
I'm working out as I'm getting worked out.
How do you keep track of those calories?
'Cause I looked at the Noom app.
There's nowhere for sex.
Not even Weight Watchers.
It's all veggie pizza.
Who gives a shit? I don't.
- Keepin' that booty tight.
- Okay. Look, Khalil.
We got your back, okay?
Let's see. Let me ask you some questions.
Rapid-fire style, okay?
- A'ight. Let's do it.
- Okay.
Let's say India is out on a date
with someone else.
Absolutely not.
Let's say you found India had sex
with another person.
I'd kill him.
Let's say India tells you
that she's not interested
in anything serious.
Why would she say that?
Why? Has she said something
to you like that?
You been talking to her? Hmm?
I think I like her.
Then you have to tell her, Khalil.
I'm gon' dig deep, dig deep ♪
- Mavis Beaumont, you're finally here.
- Mm-hmm.
If you make Natasha look better than me,
I'll kill you when you're asleep and host
a fundraiser to pay for the funeral.
I told you she was a cunt.
Oh, you love it, you washed-up whore.
Seems like everybody's in good spirits.
Hi, Kristin. Hi, Tooty. How you feelin'?
Kristin keeps licking off her lip gloss.
Well, ticktock, ticktock, bitch.
We can't be late.
Don't rush her. That's my job.
Ticktock, ticktock.
You know what, ladies?
Rush me all you want.
It is an honor to be with you here today.
- Ooh.
- Oh.
So glad you're here.
My good side is all my sides.
Thank you, Jacque.
What the fuck?
What kinda fancy cheeses
say, "I like you"?
Not "I love you,"
but "I might in the future."
"I just wanna see
where this potentially might go."
Got any cheeses
that say somethin' like that?
Uh, cheddar?
Even I know that's the wrong answer.
You know what? I'll figure it out.
What are we doing here? Class is over.
Well, this being the last day of class,
I just wanted to do a little something.
So you're just wearing a tablecloth.
I knew it looked suspiciously long.
Especially when you tripped on it
in class.
So, what, you saw that?
Oh, yeah. We all did.
Oh, okay, I like it.
I always had a fantasy
of hooking up with you in class.
Are you reading my sex mind?
I'd love that,
but they'd cancel my lease if I got caught
having sex in the art studio.
Stupid rule, I know.
That sounds like a "you" problem
because I don't have a lease
with this place.
I want us to enjoy some wine,
and some room-temperature Brie cheese.
So, after our little amuse-bouche,
we're gonna head back to your place?
I guess I'll just have to trust a man
that wears a tablecloth.
- La-la la-la ♪
- I'm too pretty, I'm too sweet ♪
Really? You're shooting
for People magazine? Bullshit!
You knew I was gonna be here.
I was missing you, all right?
And I still miss you.
- We still got more to talk about.
- What do we have to talk about?
You stuck your dick
in that haunted toothpick of a woman,
and now I am building a new life
for myself, just like Kristin and Tooty.
So you don't miss me?
It's been three months, and you don't miss
anything about our lives together at all?
I miss my Japanese toilet
every goddamn day.
You don't know a thing
about that kind of longing.
Uh, Mavis, is there a problem?
No, no, I'm fine.
Sweetheart, we can hear everything.
I can't believe you got it in with him.
I'm so excited for you!
So sorry.
This will not affect the day at all.
Those beautiful bitches
will be getting married!
Push, push, push, push.
- Last one.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
There you go. And breathe.
- Good.
- Ooh!
- Get it off.
- I got you.
Oh my gosh.
That was a good one.
You know what else is good?
No. Tell me.
Remember I told you
I'm getting married next spring?
Of course, to the should-be stripper
who's wasting her time
at the smoothie bar instead.
Right, my fiancée, Callie.
She wants to meet you.
Hey, you told me
you guys were in a open relationship.
Leave me outta any drama.
The thing is
we don't wanna leave you out.
Bruce, get Kristin to smile.
Please, it's her big day.
Don't yell at him. That's my job.
Bruce, get Kristin to smile.
It's her big day.
Tooty, are you sure you wanna
go through with this? She's so moody.
Please smile. I'll give you $20.
I want you to know I've been doing
a lot of soul-searching, and, uh,
as a Black man
So you cheated on me
'cause you're a Black man?
- Mavis!
- Okay. Yes.
Where's her something blue? She can't
get married without something blue.
Okay. I I I I have something blue.
I have it in here.
- I just have to look for it, okay?
- Mavis, I've been going to therapy.
I'm telling you I know
where things started to fall apart for us.
Look, I know I'm the one
who sabotaged our relationship.
So you wanna stand here
and tell me that you've changed,
that you're working on yourself?
But you're making it about you
like you always did.
Let me find this.
Oh! I found them.
And I got one for Tooty too.
They're so blue, so tiny, so cute.
Yo ♪
I'm a grown girl, I do what I like ♪
I'm with a fine fella
Fuckin' all night ♪
Give it how I want ♪
Pop-pop that ♪
- Oh shit.
- From back to front ♪
I'm sorry. I forgot I got another session.
I'm so sorry.
I know this is awkward, but I gotta go.
Can we try this another time?
Of course.
Nice tattoo.
Uh Who's that?
Minnie Mouse?
It's Rhonda Rat.
Naughty ♪
How you get me so ♪
How you get me so ♪
How you get me so naughty ♪
How you get me so ♪
How you get me so naughty ♪
How you get me so naughty ♪
Naughty ♪
Don't forget this shit, Kristin.
A wedding is just a day,
but a marriage, that's a lifetime.
I always thought Jacque and I would have
exposed brick and white roses
at our wedding,
but I love that you have them.
- Okay, girl.
- They're waiting for you.
We gather here today
to celebrate the joining
of Tooty and Kristin in holy union.
We honor them by witnessing
the love they have created
and the life that they choose to continue
to create together
with their loving mothers, myself and her.
Now, some may say it's preposterous
to host such an extravagant event
for canines,
but the truth is that every moment
we get to spend celebrating love
is a moment well spent.
Life is a very brief film
and love its orchestral score.
Tooty, Kristin, let the music play on.
Tooty, you may now sniff the bride.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
You wilin'. You wilin'!
It's Purple Rain by a mile.
Oh, come How very basic of you.
It is 100% 1999.
It's got "Kiss" and "Little Red Corvette"
and unexpected gems
like "International Lover." I mean
But how you gonna call Purple Rain basic?
First of all,
my nigga Prince won a Oscar for it.
Black people don't be
winning Oscars like that.
Angela Bassett ain't even got one.
Fine. It's okay you're wrong.
I ain't wrong.
- Um This is me.
- Oh, dope.
I just cleaned up my bathroom.
You wanna come in?
- You seriously don't wanna come up?
- Look.
We had such an incredible day,
and you're incredible.
I think we should
just leave things right here. Hey.
I am proud of you and all that you are.
Okay. Um
I guess thank you.
I'll just see you around.
You most definitely will.
Ah, Anita!
Anita, I had a threesome today.
You've had threesomes before.
With my ex-husband,
but this shit, this shit was different.
Because Ben wasn't involved?
Because no man was involved.
It felt so good,
like, free in a way I didn't expect.
I mean, I did exactly what I wanted to do.
Some freaky shit would pop in my head,
and bam, I'd be doin' it.
Has your queerness always been
in relation to a male partner?
Have you had sex with a woman
without a man
being part of the experience?
I did hook up with my college roommate.
She was so pretty and smart.
My boyfriend was there.
What function did he serve?
He was making me feel like
what we were doing was okay
because he wanted to do it too.
Let's talk about
representational frameworks.
You grew up with hetero parents
during a time where most of the couples
you saw in the world
and on TV were hetero.
And, culturally, hetero sex
is centered around male pleasure.
Ma'am, I am not paying you
to say "hetero" this many times.
There may be aspects of your identity
worth exploring
that have been out of reach to you
because you weren't given the vocabulary
to access them.
I'd like you to sit with a question.
What does your queerness look like
when men are removed from the equation?
Bitch. Don't come for me like that, Anita.
You know what he said too?
He wishes that we had better, uh
No, deeper communication.
He wanted me to talk to him
the way I talk to my best friends.
So you had to work a job today
with Natasha and Jacque
and a dog wedding.
Stop saying it like that.
It's gonna be in People magazine.
This is a very high-profile
lesbian dog wedding.
You are right.
Love is love.
How are you?
Well, I am still processing,
but I'm not going to let it age a bitch
'cause I'm too cute to be mad, so
Tell me about India.
I wanna know all about it.
Well, I had
a whole picnic situation goin'.
I gave her a little Love Jones
with some Poetic Justice.
I mean, I was in it.
We ate, talked, walked her home,
and, uh, now, now I'm here.
- I love that so much. What she say?
- What do you mean "What she say?"
What did she say
when you told her you liked her?
I didn't really have to say that.
It was strongly implied.
Matter of fact,
I even made sure we didn't have sex
so that she knows
I'm interested in a relationship.
Let me get this straight, cuz.
It's been a day.
Um, on the last day of class,
you made a picnic,
walked her home, and no sex.
Yes, that is an accurate assessment.
Khalil, all that shit sounds like
you're breaking things off with her.
That feels like a farewell party
unless you actually say the words
"I like you."
God, why is it so hard for you guys
to say that shit?
What are you talking about?
I didn't have to. I did it.
I showed her. What else could I have done?
Mavis, see,
I don't think you understand this.
Look, as a Black man
Oh! Not again
with this "as a Black man" bullshit again.
I'm sorry. That was so rude and misplaced.
You good.
- I get it.
- Thanks.
I'm just really pissed off at Jacque
because I
I think he's actually right
about our communication.
But my parents never communicated
like best friends at all.
They had their roles
and they played them. That was it.
I mean, who am I to talk?
My romantic role model is Eddie Murphy.
Specifically Marcus Graham
from, you know, from Boomerang.
I can't even tell a girl that I like her.
Yes, you can, Khalil.
You can do that.
You just have to be vulnerable and honest.
God, I think we both do.
You are drinking so slow. Do you just
I just There's more where that came from.
Let me stay around ♪
Khalil, what are you doing here?
I'm here to say the thing the thing
that I shoulda said earlier today.
No, I get what you meant.
You don't wanna hook up anymore,
and that is fine.
No. No, no, no. Not that.
The opposite of that.
- You wanna start hooking up again?
- No. No. I mean, yes.
Yes, I do wanna do that, but other things.
I'm sorry. I I think you should go.
I'm too grown
for this back-and-forth shit.
Just stop. Stop, stop. India.
I like you.
I do.
You're smart and weird.
You give me shit, and I I like that.
You funny.
And, yes, I bought a couch
so you would have somewhere to sit.
And as for earlier, I
In my defense, I thought I was showing you
with the picnic and the flowers.
Yeah, but then you forehead-kissed me
and said, "Let's leave it here."
I thought you friendly ghosted me.
Clearly not my best combination
of words and actions. I get that now.
If you don't feel the same,
I'll get out of here. I'll go.
But I like you.
And I wanna take you on dates.
And just be near you.
Just whatever.
Mom, who is that?
I told you to stay inside.
Khalil, this is my son, Cooper.
What's up, Cooper?
Well, say hello to Mr. Khalil.
- Hello.
- I'll meet you upstairs.
- I had no idea.
- 'Cause I didn't tell you.
'Cause it was none of your business
as long as things were casual.
And, for the record,
he was not here this afternoon,
or else I would've never brought you.
I get it.
You just, like, present fuckboi,
and being a single mom is complicated.
And I don't know. It's just
Let me ask you one question.
Do you like me?
Yes, I do like you.
Why don't we just start there?
Take it easy on me ♪
LA living's never easy ♪
But my instinct to love
Dissolved all thoughts I had ♪
Are you wearing my shirt?
I'm doing the best I can, I hope it's ♪
Maybe you can't keep me safe, but ♪
What in the Husbands of Hollywood
meets Nancy Meyers movie
is going on right now?
I hope it's enough ♪
Maybe you can't keep me safe ♪
But keep me loved ♪
Are you back?
I'm doing the best I can ♪
No, I'm not back.
I came here because I want to tell you
Maybe you can't keep me safe ♪
that you were right.
I didn't communicate with you
like I could've.
But no matter what I did or didn't do,
I always deserved more
than being humiliated.
I deserved more than betrayal.
I know.
I'm so sorry.
Loved ♪
Keep me loved ♪
Look, I put the knives back
the way you like them.
And I hung the paintings, finally.
And yesterday,
I deep-cleaned the bathroom. I mean
I take my shoes off at the door now.
You should always
take your shoes off at the door,
otherwise you're just bringin' in
the city, and that's disgusting, but, um
I'm proud of you.
Really? You're listening to this song now?
I feel unhappy ♪
I feel so sad ♪
I have lost the best friend ♪
Never loved anyone like you, Mavis.
I didn't realize
how much I'd miss laughing with you.
You know,
this shitty-ass apartment I'm in
Loved her so ♪
doesn't even have a real kitchen.
And every Sunday, I'm roasting chicken,
and, um, it's a weird thing to miss,
but no one could suck a bone dry
like you, boy. I'll tell you that much.
Please invite me over to eat your cooking.
Going through ♪
I'm wasting away over here.
I even miss
your terrible Denzel impersonations.
"King Kong ain't got shit on me."
Through changes ♪
In my life ♪
Please come home, baby.
We can do it better this time.
I know we can.
I can't do that.
I can't. Listen, I just
I just wanted us to have a better ending.
We deserve that.
And if I'm being honest,
I also wanted one more thing.
I'm going through changes ♪
Come on, toilet.
Just a little bit more, toilet.
Oh God. I'm talking to the toilet.
I need to rest.
I need to r
Oh, I
What are you doing here?
I just got in.
I'm here for a few weeks.
I wanted to surprise you.
Do you need help with that
Yes, I do need help with my toilet.
Betta know about me, babe ♪
Mm-hmm ♪
Betta know about me, babe ♪
Yeah ♪
I'm way too lit, I'm way too thick ♪
Talk a lotta trash, but I could bag it ♪
Betta know about me ♪
Mm-mm ♪
Yeah ♪
Mm-mm-mm ♪
Yeah ♪
Mm-mm ♪
Yeah ♪
Mm-mm-mm ♪
Yeah ♪
Mm-mm ♪
Hey ♪
Mm-mm-mm ♪
Yeah ♪
Betta know about me, babe ♪
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