TallBoyz (2019) s02e07 Episode Script

I Rank Velvet #1

Hey, have you found yourself in a situation where you weren't certain whether you should be angry or not, like this guy?! SAM: When a dog bit me on the arm, the owner made me apologize because I had "scared" her dog, when I was the victim.
I didn't know how to feel.
FRANK: Don't let this happen to you! Hi, I'm Frank "The Butcher" Machleveti, for Machleveti & Associates.
In situations like that, you're entitled to be angry and pissed off! If you don't know when you should be outraged, I do! We got a case! SAM: Frank made me feel heard and helped me realize that I was pissed! You're a great lawyer.
FRANK: Correction I am not a lawyer! When I say we got a case, I mean a case to be mad! SAM: Huh? FRANK: How am I qualified to do this? Easy! I've been T'd off for 45 years.
I got nine kids from three different marriages, and I'm still payin' off my student loans! So yeah, I'm furious! KYLE: I was at a concert waiting in line for the washroom when a guy bumped in front of me.
I said I was next, but he said, "I don't care!" Do I have a case to be angry? FRANK: Angry? No.
Annoyed? Yes.
I'm here to help people who should be angry.
Sorry, no case! KYLE: But I pissed myself.
FRANK: Look, I gave you advice It's pretty rude to throw it back in my face.
Next testimonial! ANDREW: I was walkin' down the street and some guy looked at me the wrong way.
I took of my shirt and said, "Let's go!" He drove away! FRANK: The fact you initiated the fight tells me you're in the wrong.
Sorry - No case.
ANDREW: He drove away and I'm in the wrong?! FRANK: Yup, you're in the wrong! ANDREW: All right, it's like that? Okay, okay! Why don't you say it to my face, you turd bird? FRANK: Look, pal, don't start something you can't end.
Anyway, call now.
The number's down below.
- It's 1, triple-8, 555 - ANDREW: We're not done here! FRANK: Yes, we are! Keep it moving! Don't make me angry 'cause I don't work for free! ♪ ♪ GARY: And so, I ended up letting another person just walk all over me.
Maybe that's why I've got a foot fetish.
MORGAN: Perhaps.
GARY: Nothing seems to be getting any better, even though I keep on trying.
- MORGAN: Are you? - GARY: Yeah, I-I try.
Let's try something completely unorthodox.
GARY: Okay.
MORGAN: But we can't move forward unless we have 100% honesty.
Are you ready? GARY: [SIGHS.]
I'm a total fraud.
MORGAN: What?! You too? GARY: Wait, you're a fraud? MORGAN: Yes, I'm a total fraud! I'm not qualified to do this job in any way, shape, or form.
God, it feels so nice to say out loud.
- Ahh! - GARY: What?! MORGAN: To be honest, I'm never really listening.
I'm either fighting a full-on anxiety attack or I'm thinking about what I want to have for dinner.
GARY: I thought you were gonna tell me the truth about myself.
MORGAN: Hey, Gary, I can't know your truth! That's for you to discover.
I mean, I know that, and I'm an absolute fraud! GARY: I do not believe this.
MORGAN: Hey, that's what Nicole said! GARY: Wait, who's Nicole? MORGAN: Nicole Trenton, one of my other clients.
GARY: Wait, you're not supposed to divulge the info - of other clients.
- MORGAN: Really? GARY: Wait, have you been telling people what I say? MORGAN: Not directly.
GARY: You're recording our session! - MORGAN: Is that not cool? - GARY: That's incredibly wrong! MORGAN: So if I were to use it for a podcast, would that be better or worse? GARY: Much worse! I-I Unbelievable! MORGAN: Yeah, this isn't even my office.
I wandered in here a few years ago and I keep expecting someone to kick me out, but they never do! I think it belongs to this guy.
GARY: I'm gonna sue your ass! MORGAN: Gary, don't you think you should calm down? GARY: No! You cannot treat me like this! [SLOW CLAP.]
MORGAN: Well, look at you standing up for yourself.
GARY: Wait, was this all an exercise to get me to believe in myself? Doc, you are a genius! MORGAN: You can book a follow-up with Jamie outside.
GARY: I think I will.
DIANE: So the 3rd is good? What about the week after? - Do you have anything? - GARY: Hey, Jamie.
Oh, sorry.
DIANE: Oh, no worries.
Hi, I'm Diane.
My therapist is encouraging me to meet more people, so GARY: Oh, I'm Gary Davies.
DIANE: Gary Davies? The foot fetish freak from the "People Be Crazy" podcast? - JAMIE: Mm-hm! - DIANE: Get away from me! MORGAN: And ironically, the man with the foot fetish was the one without a soul.
GARY: Hey, you said you weren't recording our sessions! MORGAN: Gary, I inferred that it had been a test all this time, but you never questioned me.
You trust too easily.
We'll work on this next week.
GARY: I feel so defeated.
But it turns me on! All the props and respect ♪ Yo, we came to collect ♪ Mad zeroes on my checks ♪ That's what we came to collect ♪ MALCOLM: Next! KOLE: Yo! What's up, bro? GULED: [IRRITATED SIGH.]
Excuse me, I was ahead of you.
KOLE: Touch me again and see what happens! D'you want some? MALCOLM: Uh, I can help you after I finish with this guy.
GULED: This happens to me a lot.
Someone challenges me to a fight, I back down, then spend the next few days hating myself.
They say the bigger man walks away from a fight, yet why do I feel so small? Hi, I'm Guled Abdi and this is one of the many fights I could have had.
I was in middle school and Jayke wanted to fight me.
He looked me in the eyes and said JAYKE: I'm gonna punch you! YOUNG GULED: Ow! [COUGHS.]
Yeah I had no choice but to fight back tears.
I was scared of getting suspended, scared of what my mom was gonna do to me, scared of the many emotions of being scared.
- JAYKE: You gonna do something? - YOUNG GULED: Yes.
JAYKE: Aw, come on! [BOXING BELL.]
GULED: It was 2005, "I'm Sprung" by T-Pain was playing, and I got way too into it.
PATRON: You stepped on my Birdman Lugz! GULED: I-I'm really sorry about that.
PATRON: Oh, you're gonna be sorry.
GIRLFRIEND: Baby, it's not worth it! PATRON: You're lucky my girl's here.
GULED: We were both lucky.
I didn't get pummelled and he had someone who loved him.
Also, I was scared.
GULED: I'm tired of being scared.
I'm tired of worrying about the consequences.
I'm tired of letting people step all over me! [CLEARS THROAT.]
KOLE: I said walk away, bitch! GULED: And I'm tired of people telling me where to walk.
I'm not walking away.
Not this time! [TRIUMPHANT MUSIC.]
Oh my tummy! MALCOLM: Dude, what were you thinking? This guy clearly works out! He mixes his protein powder with protein powder! GULED: I didn't notice | groans.]
KOLE: Let's finish this outside, bro.
No! ROB: I don't care what people say, movies are better on laptops! ANDY: No, a bagel with salmon, Darlene.
It's fine.
Hey, bro.
ROB: Andy! My favourite person and talent.
Ah, I was just watching the new trailer and - Wow! - ANDY: Really? 'Cause I just watched the cut you sent over.
ROB: And what do you think, Mr.
Director? Do we have a hit or do we have a shit? Ah I think I know the answer! - It's a hit! - ANDY: It's a shit.
ROB: What? Andy, why, what's wrong? ANDY: I just feel like you guys took a lot of liberties.
ROB: You mean the re-shoots.
Andy, they bring the vision to life.
ANDY: You took a heartwarming coming of age story and you turned it into an action flick! ROB: You're welcome.
ANDY: And for my own edification, who the fuck is Bizmo? ROB: A lovable character that only good people can see! Let's watch! [CROW CAWING IN VIDEO.]
Oh! It's good to be here! It was a long road.
BIZMO: Ooby dooby dooby, I love my vengeance! ANDY: [SIGHS.]
HUGH: Last winter, you didn't come then.
BIZMO: Ooby, careful what you wish for, suckah! HUGH: Huh? BIZMO: Ah-ha-ha-ha! Booga booga bah! - [MACHINE GUN FIRE.]
- BIZMO: Ah-ha-oh! - ROB: [CHUCKLES.]
BIZMO: Bizmo! Booga booga bah! [GUNSHOTS.]
BIZMO: Cash money, dolla dolla bill! ANDY: They fight extensively.
Bizmo speaks nothing but of vengeance.
ROB: Yeah, but he looks adorbs doin' it! BIZMO: Ooby dooby dooby, I serve vengeance! ANDY: It was supposed to be about family! ROB: It still is! Obscurely.
Let me ask you something, Andy.
Do you have any kids? ANDY: Just the two you've met several times.
ROB: Well, here's the thing.
My child drew this.
He's no artist, it's pretty crude, but then I had the idea to add this to your movie.
Two visions, one budget.
ANDY: You're gonna fix this.
ROB: Andy, baby, there's nothing to fix! Bizmo is cash money, dolla dolla bill! ANDY: Yes, I heard him say his catchphrase, and it makes no sense.
And why did they sing "Hot for Teacher"? ROB: To unwind! They go back to high school in the Biz Portal.
ANDY: Okay, so Crown Land, my passion project, has now become The Bizmo Saga? ROB: [QUIETLY.]
Let me tell you something, Andy.
They're releasing another Minions movie, same weekend as us.
ANDY: You're trying to trick people into - going to the wrong movie?! - ROB: Precisely.
ANDY: Okay, take my name off the film.
ROB: Andy, the Bizmos you meet on the way up are the same Bizmos you meet on the way down.
- Andy, please! - ANDY: Name off! ROB: Andy, please, I can't do that! Please, Andy! Please! ANDY: Because you need me attached to the film.
Without your Native guy to promote it, I mean you'll get crucified, right? ROB: It's bad business if people think you're racist.
ANDY: Why don't you fix this? [INTERCOM BEEPS.]
ROB: Darlene, get Bizmo on the phone.
BIZMO: Hello? Out of the picture? No, I'm right in the middle of buying a house, man! Oh It's your life, you should live ♪ Live, live, live ♪ Now I'm just really trying to get it, get it ♪ ♪ SIMS: That's about the time synthetic hit the market.
Personally, I'm more of a velvet fan, but if you've been listening to this podcast, - you know that already.
- JOE: Hey, Sims? SIMS: What's up, Joe? JOE: I love your couch opinions, don't get me wrong, but maybe we should talk about more current issues? - SIMS: [SIGHS.]
- JOE: Thank you! SIMS: It's been 300 days since the end of the world.
We're running out of food and water.
If there's anyone out there listening, please, send help! Speaking of help, sometimes it's hard for your business to stand out.
Sitemakers builds professional websites for your small business, whether you're selling motorcycles JOE: Sims? I think you can call for help without mentioning a sponsor.
SIMS: But the sponsors give us money.
JOE: They did give us money BOTH: before the fall of civilization.
SIMS: I know, you talk about it every single day.
JOE: We need to get out of here.
We need to find survivors.
SIMS: What do you think I'm doing here? I'm trying to reach people.
JOE: Well, it kind of feels like you're sending your voice - out into an empty void.
- SIMS: That's what a podcast is.
JOE: Why don't we just stop? Nobody's listening to podcasts right now.
SIMS: Yeah, that's what I told Maron in '08, - and boy, was I wrong.
- JOE: Argh! Look, we need to find other people.
- We need to find - [LOUD GROWL.]
JOE: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - SIMS: Oh, my God! - JOE: Sims! SIMS: Oh, my gosh, a real-life fan! You see, Joe? People are listening! JOE: He's not a fan, he's a zombie! - SIMS: A real-life fan! - JOE: Sims, help! SIMS: Speaking of fans, make sure you check out JOE: Stop podcasting! Help! [GRUNTING.]
SIMS: What the hell, Joe? You shot our fan! JOE: [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
SIMS: Listeners, I want to apologize for my producer.
- Speaking of apologies - JOE: Stop! Stop podcasting! I think we're safe.
SIMS: I think he's changing! JOE: But you're the one who got bit! ZOMBIE: And yet, it's like I've been bit by the podcast bug.
Sims, thank you so much for having me.
SIMS: Wow, a real-life fan here in the studio.
It's my absolute pleasure.
Now, I want to pick your brain about some of the ZOMBIE: Oh, whoa, whoa! I usually do the brain-picking around here.
♪ Shut up ♪ PAT: Hi, do you need a minute? ANDIS: No, I know exactly what I want.
PAT: Okay.
ANDIS: I'll get the pad thai, please.
- PAT: All right.
- ANDIS: Great.
Can I get it super spicy, though? PAT: Thai spicy is super spicy.
ANDIS: Last time I was here, I asked for it spicy, and it was mild at best.
I'd prefer super spicy.
PAT: Chef, a customer asked for a super spicy pad thai.
REN: But our Thai spicy is super spicy.
PAT: I told him that, but he said it was mild at best.
REN: Mild at best? Super spicy if that's what he wants.
PAT: Pad thai, super spicy.
ANDIS: Thanks.
REN: What'd he say? PAT: It wasn't spicy enough.
- REN: Ghost chili! - ORVILLE: Chef, are you sure? REN: Ghost chili! [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
REN: We got him! - PAT: Spicy pad thai.
- ANDIS: Thank you.
PAT: Enjoy.
REN: RIP his butthole.
- PAT: Spicier.
- REN: Are you kidding me? PAT: His exact words were ANDIS: The spice must flow.
ORVILLE: Is that a Dune reference? PAT: I think so.
- REN: Code Red.
- PAT: What?! - ORVILLE: Uh - REN: I said Code Red! [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
♪ ♪ - REN: Are you ready? - ORVILLE: Yes, Chef.
PAT: Do I need more mask? REN: I added the hottest peppers from Mexico, Cambodia, and a bit of that burn you get from $6 scotch.
- PAT: Ow, oh, my finger! Ah! It's burning! [WRITHING IN AGONY.]
ORVILLE: Pat! We lost Pat.
REN: He knew what he signed up for.
Throw his body in the fridge.
ANDIS: Ow! Oh, why'd you make it so spicy?! [COUGHING.]
REN: You just can't please people.
FLOOPY: Hello! Welcome to Floopy's World! I want to share with you my little secret on how to watch movies without paying! - KIDS IN AUDIENCE: Yay! - BIZMO: A-ha! FLOOPY: Just go to briskmovies.
Time to stream Bizmo's Night Out! [COMPUTER BEEPING.]
- FLOOPY: Uh-oh! Uh - CARTER: Floopy! - [COUGHING.]
What happened? - FLOOPY: It wasn't me.
FLOOPY: Okay, it was.
I was just trying to stream my favourite show, then things started to get weird! TERRY: You tried to click out of an ad, didn't you? FLOOPY: How did you know? CARTER: Well, Floopy, when you try and stream illegally, sometimes ads are gonna pop up.
FLOOPY: What? TERRY: Some of them look like you can close them, but you gotta be very careful because TERRY & CARTER: An X isn't always an X ♪ FLOOPY: It's not? CARTER: One wrong click could have horrid effects ♪ VIRUS: Blech! Blargh blargh! FLOOPY: Ahh! - CARTER: Oh, my God! - TERRY & CARTER: A virus! - [EXPLOSION.]
- TERRY & CARTER: An X isn't always an X ♪ - FLOOPY: It's not? CARTER: Local hot singles aren't looking for sex ♪ FLOOPY: Wait, what? What was that? CARTER: There's spyware and malware and ransomware, too ♪ TERRY: Oh, they'll steal lots of data from me and from you ♪ CARTER: Don't click on those smut ads ♪ Your wife will find out ♪ And she'll divorce you and you'll develop ♪ [IN FALSETTO.]
Gout! ♪ FLOOPY: Things are starting to get a little personal.
CARTER: How was I supposed to know that one single click would ruin my marriage? FLOOPY: One single click? Wowee, wow-wow-wow! CARTER: Shut up, Floopy! Shut up! [UPBEAT MUSIC RESUMES.]
TERRY & CARTER: An X isn't always an X ♪ CARTER: I tried to win her back ♪ She won't respond to my texts ♪ TERRY & CARTER: An X isn't always an X ♪ FLOOPY: Sorry to say, sounds like your X is an ex ♪ TERRY & FLOOPY: An X this time is an ex ♪ TERRY: Especially when she lives ♪ With her husband named Rex ♪ Now she lives in Quebec ♪ FLOOPY: Whose boundaries you should respect ♪ TERRY & FLOOPY: That's when an X is an ex ♪ - FLOOPY: Mwah! - TERRY: Oh, Floopy! Well, I hope you learned something today, Floopy.
FLOOPY: I sure did.
I don't think I'm gonna stream illegally anymore! - KIDS IN AUDIENCE: Yay! - TERRY: And you too, Carter.
- TERRY: Carter? CARTER: Uh Uh, sorry, I wasn't listening.
CARTER: Got what I needed.
I'll see you.
FLOOPY: Uh-oh! ♪ You guys think we burried him deep enough? GULED: If we can't figure out if something is six feet, then maybe we should pivot our branding away from Tallboyz.
TIM: Yeah, right.
FRANCO: I can't believe Vance is gone.
TIM: I can't believe he was so into cockfighting.
FRANCO: Or that he'd fight so many roosters at once.
- TIM: They smoked him.
- FRANCO: Yeah.
GULED: Why did we steal his body and bury him in High Park? TIM: Well, it's what Vance wanted.
FRANCO: Vance always said the law has no authority over theft because the country is built on stolen land.
GULED: It's the land of his people.
VANCE'S VOICE: I really wish that were true now.
- [GASPS.]
ALL: Vance?! - VANCE: Hi, boys.
- GULED: What? VANCE: I'm a ghost now.
FRANCO: How is this even possible? VANCE: Well, through burial, I suppose.
TIM: Is this like some sort of Indian burial ground? VANCE: I mean, it looks like it.
TIM: I saw something like that in a movie once.
VANCE: Well, yeah.
Movies have been appropriating Indigenous cultural practices for decades.
- GULED: I didn't know that.
- VANCE: Yeah, The Shining.
- TIM: Pet Sematary.
- FRANCO: Tim's shirt.
- TIM: Hm? - Uh-oh.
GULED: But why? VANCE: Oh, you can talk about the writing scapegoat, but when you dig deeper we see the ignorant perception that we're vengeful spiritual mystics, but if you - GULED: No, why are you haunting us? - FRANCO: Uh-huh.
VANCE: Well, I'm pissed that you guys are desecrating the area in which I'm buried by standing on it.
ALL: Oh! Uh VANCE: But also I need your help.
You see, Indian ghosts can't really afford to haunt this neighbourhood anymore.
FRANCO: Gentrification! TIM: Wait, ghosts have to pay rent, too? VANCE: Landlords die too.
TIM: They don't show you that in the movies, do they? VANCE: Yeah, so I'm kind of forced to blend in with the local community.
He's becoming a hipster! TIM: A fate worse than death.
- GULED: Vance, what can we do? VANCE: Well, you could pressure the government to instate a rent freeze.
Or, you could just, like, rebury me in Oshawa? FRANCO: Guys, we're far too lazy to travel anywhere.
We gotta do something about the neighbourhood! TIM: I know who we can call.
- ALL: Ha! If there's a sudden change in your neck of the woods, ♪ Contact Gentrification Busters! ♪ HIPSTERS: [SCREAMING.]
I ain't afraid of white folks! ♪ ROB: No, they are not! They bust the whole West End.
See? ANDY: I don't know why I keep taking your phone calls.
ROB: Cash money, dolla dolla bill! ♪ I ain't afraid! ♪ ♪ I ain't afraid! ♪ ♪ I ain't afraid! ♪ If there's a sudden change in your neck of the woods ♪ Contact Gentrification Busters! ♪ ♪ I ain't afraid of white folks! ♪
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