Teen Titans (2003) s01e03 Episode Script

Divide and Conquer

The HIVE Academy for Extraordinary Young People is proud to introduce… …this year’s top graduates.
Gizmo - the boy genius whose intellect can conquer any problem with an inventive solution.
Jinx - the enchanting sorceress whose powerful hexes mean bad luck for her enemies.
And Mammoth - the genetically enhanced giant whose unstoppable strength speaks for itself.
Well-organized, highly trained, and combat-equipped… …these new HAEYP agents are the perfect fighting force.
And for the right price… …this ideal team can be yours.
Well, Mr.
Slade? Impressive.
Truly.
However, robots and obstacle courses only prove so much.
My plans demand operatives who can function in the real world.
If your students are going to serve me… …they’ll have to pass one final exam.
Destroy the Teen Titans- -and then we’ll talk.
Aw, man, come on! It’s gotta be around here someplace! I don’t believe this! How could you lose the remote? What makes you so sure I lost it? Uh…’cause you’re you.
Hey! Just because I lost that video game- -and the toothpaste, and my football, and the waffle iron- Things disappear.
How am I supposed to know where they go? Well, how am I supposed to watch TV without a remote? Simple.
You just get up and change the channel.
Don’t even joke like that.
I wasn’t joking.
Good, ’cause it wasn’t funny! Now either help us look for the remote- -or go back to your nasty old book and- This is a pointless argument over a useless device.
You are wasting your energy and disrupting my concentration.
I’m telling you, I didn’t lose it! You were the one watching TV last! And that is the secret to traveling faster than light.
So if you want to blame someone- -look in the mirror, buddy! Whoa! Take it easy, Titans! Combat practice is this afternoon! We must mend your dispute by the sharing of unhealthy junk foods.
I shall fetch them.
I don’t need food! Maybe we should just go out for pizza.
Can we please just order something? As long as it’s vegetarian.
Come on, man, how can you deny me the all-meat experience? Dude, I’ve been most of those animals! I suggest a large pizza with pickles, bananas, and mint frosting.
Uh, Starfire? Not everything on the menu is a pizza topping.
Double pepperoni! I’m not eating meat! There’s no meat in pepperoni! Gizmo to Jinx.
Begin Phase One.
Titans! Go! Um…don’t buses normally have drivers? And don’t baby carriages normally have babies? Are you pit-sniffers normally this stupid? That was too easy.
What a buncha cludge-heads.
You guys want to get pizza? This isn’t over! We’re just getting started! Who are these guys? And what’s a cludge-head? We are the HIVE! Your worst nightmare! And this is Attack Pattern Alpha! What do you call an idiot with a rocket on his back? Huh? Doomed! Cyborg! You fight like a boy.
And you’re gonna croak like a frog! Hah! Mammoth’s gonna make you extinct! Beast Boy! Hang on! Is it me, or are we getting our butts kicked? It’s just you.
Listen up, team.
I have a plan.
Gee, scrum-buffer.
Sure hope your fancy plan includes getting fried! You’ll just have to find out the hard way.
That didn’t just happen.
Tell me that didn’t just happen.
It did happen.
We cannot change the truth, no matter how much we dislike it.
Who knew we had a doctor in the house? Thanks.
No problem.
Maybe y’all should call me Flyborg.
I was halfway to Gotham City before Star zapped that thing off my back.
So what’d I miss? Tell me how we kicked their butts.
Come on, I gotta have the play-by-play.
Where is Robin? Um, Star? We’re not sure.
Not sure? Why are you not We searched everywhere.
And all we found was this.
I shoulda been there.
I let that kid sneak up on me and—what was I—? It was a trap, and I—I shoulda known.
I do not understand.
How could you not find him? People do not just vanish! He has to be someplace, so go there and look! Easy, Star.
Come on.
This is Robin we’re talking about.
I’m sure he’s fine.
He’ll probably turn up any second.
Awesome timing.
Robin! Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
You guys got lucky last time, but you’re in our house now! Yeah, nice place.
We’ll take it! Split up! Here, kitty, kitty.
What’s the matter? Afraid of a little bad luck? Hello, ladies.
Hey! So, Tin Man, you got a heart under all that outdated crud-ware? Not telling? Guess I’ll have to take you apart and find out! Lost her.
This just isn’t your lucky day.
Gotcha! Let me go, you scuzz-munching zit! How you gonna fight me without your tech? Huh? Yo, what are you- Get out of my systems! Nobody hacks my systems! Ooh, ejector arm.
Cool! My arm! Get off! Get off me! Stop! Have a nice afterlife, you snot-eating losers! That didn’t just happen.
Tell me that didn’t just happen.
Get out of my systems.
Get off me.
Robin.
Where is Robin? I do not understand.
We searched everywhere.
How could you not find him? All we found was this.
People do not just vanish.
I shoulda been there.
I shoulda known.
So, uh…who else never wants to go surfing again? Not now, man.
Hey, I was just trying to- Perhaps I could be of some assistance.
I got it.
But you are so damaged and- I got it! Hey! She only wanted to help! What is your problem? What do you think? We got kicked out of our house, a pint-size Poindexter took me for a joyride, and in case you haven’t noticed, I just became left-handed! Enough! We need to control our emotions.
Or what? Our bad vibes will keep you from meditating? I wish Robin were here.
Well, he’s not! Don’t you guys get it? They won, we lost.
IT'S OVER!! Then…the Teen Titans are finished? Not yet.
Not if I can help it.
Higher…a little to the left…a little more…and… …perfect! Slade’s gonna have kittens when he hears we whipped the Titans and took their stinking Tower! Not to mention Robin’s favorite fashion statement.
But that’s the only thing fashionable around here.
Tell me about it.
Hmph.
All their food is way out of date.
You think that stuff’s rotten? Wait ’til you see their music.
Crud…snot… …mega-crud…snot… Does she have anything that’s not blue? Ugh.
Crud…snot… Hey! What the hairball? Sorry to interrupt the victory celebration.
But like I said… …this isn’t over.
It’s just getting started.
Attack Pattern Alpha! Hey, Robo-Wimp.
Feel like getting hacked? Nope.
How ’bout you? Robin! Now! Cut it out! It’s gonna crash my whole system! Get it off me! Get it off me! Beast Boy! Go! Your luck just ran out! Huh? Cram it.
I’m calling Slade.
Who is Slade? Wouldn’t you like to know, barf-brain? I assure you, such failures are not tolerated within the HIVE.
Once the agents have been retrieved from the authorities, they will be disciplined.
Strictly disciplined.
Actually, your agents served my plans quite well.
I never expected them to succeed.
They were merely messengers.
And the message has been received.
NOOOO!! This is the worst thing that could ever happen! My tunes! They’ve been… …alphabetized.
How am I ever gonna find anything? They went into my room.
No one should ever go into my room.
Someone has disposed of all our blue furry food! You gotta be kidding me! The whole place gets cleaned and I still can’t find the- Ha! I guess we really oughta be training for battles, tracking down clues, and trying to figure out who Slade is, huh? We will.
But right now, I’m just happy to be part of the team.