The Adventures Of Puss In Boots (2015) s02e03 Episode Script

Mermaid

1 [cat purrs, meows.]
[fast, lively flamenco music playing.]
[screams.]
[giggles.]
[Puss yowling.]
El Gato! [yowls.]
2x03 - "Mermaid" [indistinct chatter.]
[snoring.]
[gasps.]
[growls.]
Hello, villains.
It appears you have lost your way.
Allow me to show you the door.
We have lost nothing.
We came here on purpose to steal treasure.
We are Ignacio Salamanca San Cristobal III y Rafael Valenciana, aka Los Niòos Sin Nombres, - aka - Gentlemen.
I am so sorry, but I am now closed for the day.
If you would like to resume, you can come back tomorrow.
But we have nowhere to sleep.
There is an inn about 200 kilometers that way.
[both sighing.]
Now, buenas noches to you.
Sundown.
Time for Puss to shine.
[dance music playing.]
He's Puss He's Puss in Boots And when the sun goes down, he walks all through the town Looking around for romance Romance He's Puss! He's Puss in Boots! [panting.]
[man coughs.]
[slurps.]
Huh? Huh? Just me? Okay.
Hola, Pajuna! I have a king's thirst for leche.
Hit me with the good stuff.
Eh! Eh! Eh! Aren't you forgetting something? Ah! Yes.
My apologies.
No, I'm talking about paying for your drink.
[slurping, gulps.]
I just did.
[makes kissing sounds.]
Yeah, I'm well aware of the charm thing, - but you still have to pay for your - The world over, from the sands of Tunisia to the cathedrals of Segovia, it is a known fact that all the ladies love Puss in Boots.
Right, okay.
Well then, tell me, what ladies? Me? Zapata? Hah! Mm - Dulcinea? - Huh? We're just friends.
Ha.
Let me guess, these ladies of whom you speak all come from faraway lands.
Yes! [patrons laughing.]
Which means there's no way any of us could ever meet them to confirm your claims, right? No.
They are very private.
[laughter.]
So, it's like these ladies who love ya don't exist.
[patrons chortling.]
Yes.
So, you have heard of them.
[loud laughter.]
- Why do they laugh? - Don't pay them any attention, Puss.
We all know you're a charmer.
They're just [slow vocalization.]
teasing you.
Teasing you.
Teasing? Me? [laughter continues.]
[giggles.]
[clinking.]
[Puss breathing heavily.]
[voices echoing.]
[screams, groans.]
Babieca, it was horrible.
They were making the teases on me.
[gasps.]
Do my charms no longer work on the women of San Lorenzo? [Babieca neighs.]
[Puss gasps.]
A lake.
And it is morning.
Have I been riding all night? [woman sings lullingly nearby.]
[neighs.]
What is that heavenly sound? [singing continues.]
A mermaid! [continues singing.]
[mermaid screams.]
[men shouting.]
[neighing.]
Leave her be! You are outnumbered Oh, it's you again.
En garde! [bandits groaning.]
- He broke my tushy.
[sobs.]
- I still think he's pretty cool.
That is how one makes grown men cry.
Oh, mermaid! It is safe to come out now and resume your beautiful singing.
Whoa.
[clears throat.]
I have vanquished the villains.
You are safe.
[mermaid.]
My heroooooo! [gasps.]
- You saved me! - Anyone would have done the same.
[nervous chuckle.]
Do not thank me.
Seriously, do not thank - Huh? - My name's Feejee.
F-E-E-J-E-E.
Well, yes, very nice to meet you.
Good luck with everything.
[cracking.]
[grunting.]
[growls.]
We need to leave.
Now.
[Babieca neighs.]
[Puss.]
Ooh! [Feejee laughing.]
[grunting, panting.]
[Puss gasps.]
Where are you going? I must return to my home now.
My friends will be worried.
Oh, I bet a handsome, heroic cat such as yourself has all kinds of places to be.
[chuckles.]
Uh, you like winking, too? Only to heroes.
[laughing.]
[giggles.]
If you like that, then behold, the double wink! [gasping.]
I've never seen a wink like that.
It took me many years to master.
[giggling.]
Again.
Ah [tsking.]
No, no, no.
[both chuckling.]
[neighs.]
[both laughing.]
Say, do you like leche? Why? Are you offering to buy a girl a drink? I am.
[sighs.]
[Feejee laughing.]
Babieca, to San Lorenzo! [snorts.]
[hisses.]
Eh, pretty please? [snarls.]
[whinnies.]
[Feejee laughing.]
[Feejee laughing, squealing.]
[Puss laughs loudly.]
Oh, Feejee, that is so humorous.
- Puss.
- Ah, Pajuna.
Just enjoying a pleasant conversation with Feejee.
Who, you will notice, is a female.
Oh, Puss, you flatter me.
Can you ask your servant if she has any salt water? I'd really love a glass of salt water.
Um, Pajuna, do you have any No! Very well.
But you see? I do have female fans wherever I go.
I beg your pardon? Remember? You were teasing me about the ladies? And now, I have proven you wrong by bringing my friend Feejee to the cantina.
[scornful grunt.]
Ohh, right.
Eh, good job.
Hah! Another insidious rumor put to rest by Puss in Boots.
Is there anything you can't do? No.
[squealing laughter.]
[guitar music playing nearby.]
The sun is so bright.
It's drying my poor widdle fishy bits out.
My moistening rag.
You don't mind, do you? Eh Oh! Heh, not at all.
[man gasps.]
[music stops.]
[Puss grunting.]
[nervous chuckle.]
[gags.]
[giggling.]
Ooh! That tickles.
[shrieking laugh.]
Well, I thank you for your company, Seòorita Feejee.
I will summon Babieca and return you to your fishy home.
Oh, not yet, Puss.
You've been so kind to me, I'd be remiss if I didn't repay you and your beautiful town with a song.
Truly, that is not necessary.
Now come, it is a long ride and Please? All right, if you insist.
[giggles.]
[gurgles, spits.]
[soft, sweet melody.]
# Fishy bottom, monkey face # Lovely as can be Handsome stripey orange fur You're the cat for me [chuckles.]
But if you ever leave me I'll hunt you down I'll skin you like a rodent And put you in the ground [gasps.]
Hm.
[giggles.]
[chuckles.]
Handsome.
Lovely.
Lovely.
Thank you! Did you like the words? I wrote them all by myself.
I used a baby squid as a pen.
That was pretty.
[roars.]
[Esme screams.]
- Whoa! Whoa! - Puss, who is this woman? Um this small child is Esme.
Hi.
I like your fish bottom.
What's going on here? Stop looking at him! [inhales deeply, ear-piercing shriek.]
[gasping.]
[Puss.]
Feejee, stop it! [man.]
Oh, thank goodness.
What was that? Oh, just a thing mermaids do where sometimes we get mad, and shriek so loud it makes people's heads explode.
Uh, well, that certainly is a thing that I find very attractive.
Aw! [grunts.]
Anyway, thank you for the lovely song and the pleasure of your company.
I should probably take you back now.
[yawns.]
But it's so late.
Can I sleep here? But it is daytime.
[snoring.]
I'm asleep.
I guess you are staying? [Puss snoring.]
Good morning, you.
[yelps.]
I watched you sleep, all night! You didn't move but I kept right on staring.
It is not morning, it [sniffs.]
What is that smell? Just a little fin rot.
Hey, I made breakfast.
[grunting.]
[squeaking giggle.]
Don't be shy, eat.
No, I am not very hungry [dramatic inhale.]
Aah! Okay, all right.
I am eating.
Yes, yes.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
[coughs.]
Very good.
We are so good together.
[scoffs.]
I can just hear all the other mermaids.
"Oh, Feejee doesn't deserve him.
Feejee always gets the hotties.
Feejee's crazy.
" I have a mood disorder! I am not crazy! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! [screams.]
Shut up! [laughing.]
[groans.]
Claws! [Dulcinea.]
And the wolf said, "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down.
" - I hate history class.
- [Puss.]
Hola! Notice anything different about me? [gasps.]
You have a tail.
Well, yes.
But no.
I am hideous! I can stand Feejee no longer.
So, by changing the angle of my hat, I have made myself unappealing to all women.
Feejee will be disgusted by my appearance and leave forever.
Dashing.
Hideous.
Dashing.
Hideous.
[laughs.]
Brilliant.
[giggling.]
I don't know.
You look pretty much the same as always: awesome.
You do not yet know the ways of women.
Puss, if you want this to work, you need to commit.
Stop grooming for a few days, let your boots get dusty Dusty? Am I an animal? No, this has to work.
[screeches.]
Yes, I know.
I am hideous.
I will understand if you want to leave me and never come back.
Are you kidding? I love it! What? I thought you were cute before, but wow.
Wearing your hat like that has turned you into a real bad boy.
Raarrr! We're gonna be together forever! How wonderful for me.
Puss in Boots! We have unfinished business.
Oh, darn.
I must be going.
[growls.]
[grunting.]
Gentlemen, I am so sorry to have kept you waiting.
No sweat.
Completely understand.
I trust you were able to find accommodations for the night? We slept beneath a cactus.
[grunts.]
It was charming.
[shouting.]
[Feejee snarling.]
Feejee, no! You fight dirty, Puss in Boots! And we will tell everyone.
Wait, I do not fight dirty.
I can explain! It is a humorous story.
[bandits screaming.]
[grumbles.]
You have just cost me my reputation! I am so sorry, but it is time for you to go.
I thought you loved me! - Why on earth would you think - [shrieks.]
Say you love me! [ear-piercing screech.]
[groaning.]
I love you.
[gasps.]
Oh! Oh, my poor, sweet, darling Puss.
The words I've longed to hear! Yeah, yeah, yeah! [sighs.]
I need to ask your help with the Feejee situation.
But first, I have a confession to make.
I brought that fishy nightmare to San Lorenzo because I wanted to prove to you all, and to myself, that my charm still works.
- We got that.
- Well, yeah.
Obviously.
And now we all suffer as a result.
I am sorry.
- You think you can just say sorry - Good! So all is forgiven.
Now, how can I get rid of Feejee? She is positively obsessed with me.
And dangerous.
Puss, when you need to get someone off of your tail, there's only one road to take: faking your own death.
It's easy as pie.
Look.
You see? I've faked my own death so many times, I don't even know who I am anymore.
Eh Oh.
I am a cow, right? This is preposterous! Surely there is another way.
[Feejee.]
Puss? [Puss yowls.]
[Feejee.]
Where are you? [shrieks.]
Puss! All right.
Let us plan my death.
[neighs.]
What? This is the part where you tell me dishonesty is wrong.
You know what? This time, I'm fine with it.
Feejee is the worst.
Babieca, it is time.
Go! [snorts.]
Please? He's coming! [trumpet blows.]
[mimics chicken clucking.]
Hey, Fish Lady! Come quick! Puss is in trouble.
What? What's wrong? It's Babieca.
He's gone cuckoo.
[neighing.]
Puss! Puss, wait! He's heading up toward the cliff.
Somebody help him! [crashing.]
Yes! - Holy smokes! - Oh, no! Did you know he is dead now? [sobbing.]
It's okay, Feejee.
There are plenty of cats in the land sea.
He was the greatest cat to ever live.
[shrieks.]
He was so good to me! Oh, how I loved him.
Why? [hysterical sobs.]
Why? Why? [ear-piercing shriek.]
[everyone moaning.]
Feejee, stop! [panting.]
Puss! [all groaning.]
You're alive! Yes, yes, here I am.
It is A miracle! Puss, don't you see? It's a sign.
Um Let's get married! [gasps.]
Uh [inhaling.]
[man.]
Oh, no, no, no.
Yes, all right, all right! [grunts.]
[Feejee.]
Oh, Puss.
[wedding music plays.]
[giggling.]
Thanks for asking me to be your best man, Puss.
[groans.]
My pleasure.
[grunts.]
Bucket! [vomiting.]
[moaning.]
Dulcinea, have you come to rescue me from this horrible prison of love? I am her maid of honor.
[plays wedding music.]
[giggling.]
[squeaking giggle.]
[groans.]
Bucket.
[vomiting.]
Hello.
All righty, block 187, a true-to-life Feejee mermaid.
Monkey face, fishy body, dagger-like fangs, ability to burst a man's head with her pipes.
Do I hear 100 reales Oh! Oh, sorry, wrong speech.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to witness the forcible marriage of Puss to Feejee, the fish-monkey abomination.
Beautiful mermaid! Feejee, the beautiful mermaid.
- Do you take Puss to be your - Yes! All righty.
And Puss, do you take Feejee to be your creature wife? Uh [heart thudding.]
[gulps.]
[neighs.]
- I - [male voice.]
Wait! [everyone gasps.]
Stop this wedding! [grunting.]
- Brad! - Feejee! Feejee, baby, I'm sorry I was such a jerk.
After we got into that fight and you said you were gonna force someone to marry you to drive me crazy with jealousy, I never thought you'd actually do it.
I said all that out loud? Wait.
This was all a plot to make your boyfriend jealous? But then I got this invitation, and when I thought I might lose you, I finally realized the truth.
I am a merman, and you are a mermaid, but together, we are merm-us.
Oh! Feejee, will you mer-marry me? Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Sorry, but you're just not my type.
What? [dramatic moaning.]
[all.]
Ew [inhales, sighs.]
The one that got away.
I will think of her often.
[screeching laughter.]
You really are unbelievable, Puss, you know that? Your words, eyes, and pretty much everything else say no, but your heart says yes.
You have to admit, it's pretty cute.
Ugh.
I can't deny it.
- # Romance # - Behold! The double wink! That's just blinking! He's Puss in Boots! [fast, lively flamenco music playing.]