The Adventures Of Puss In Boots (2015) s03e01 Episode Script

Bootless Cries

1 [cat purrs, meows.]
[fast, lively flamenco music playing.]
[screams.]
[giggles.]
[Puss yowling.]
El Gato! [yowls.]
3x01 - Bootless Cries [dramatic music.]
[Uli laughing manically.]
Das Blutwolf is coming! [cackling.]
[people clamoring.]
First the statue rises up from below, then Das Blutwolf begins his journey back from the Netherworld! Und then, when he arrives, he destroys everything! Und there's nothing you can do to stop it.
[screaming.]
Oh, this is a delicious und sweet twist of fate.
Und it is all your fault, Herr Boots! [laughs.]
Wait.
Where's Puss? Maybe he has, as the saying goes, "Gone over the edge.
" [chuckles.]
Ja? You know? Because your town is now atop a giant statue of Das Blutwolf.
Grr.
Everyone, fan out! Find Puss! Your hero cannot save you now.
He is powerless! Ja, there is no power in him.
Fear Das Blutwolf! Woohoo! Ow! Ow! I will tell Das Blutwolf on you.
[grunts.]
Ah! [door clangs shut.]
Now, you sit in there and think about what you did! Ja, I will think about what I did.
Und then I will think about what I will do.
Once Das Blutwolf's arrival signals the end days for you und your loved ones, you will pay! And now, the evil dance.
[traditional German music playing.]
Ooh, ah! [clip-clopping.]
Oh, ja! I am the wind.
I am the night.
Adventurer.
Outlaw.
Lover! There is no heart I cannot [sighs.]
What is the use? I am the worst! I allowed Uli to deceive me and now we are all doomed.
I am no hero.
- [Artephius.]
Here, kitty! - [Toby.]
Puss! [Artephius.]
Here, kitty! - Puss in the Boots! - Puss! [Toby.]
Puss? This is not so bad.
I will live here from now on, away from everyone and everything.
Puss "Resident of the Rooftops" in Boots.
[Dulcinea.]
Puss? [gulps.]
[laughs nervously.]
Dulcinea, hello.
Everything's terrific.
Thank you for asking.
Now, goodbye.
Oh, Puss, I know what you're thinking but you can't blame yourself.
Do not limit me.
I will blame myself, and intend to do so better than anyone has ever blamed themselves before.
Behold! [shouting.]
What have I done? Why was I even born? And what is the point of living? [sobbing.]
Most pathetic, no? This could have happened to anyone.
[scoffs.]
I think not.
It takes a special kind of awful person to mess things up this badly.
The worst ever.
Me! Number one! Be that as it may, you're allowed to make mistakes.
It's a part of life.
Now, come on down from here.
[door opening.]
[sighs.]
Fine.
But it will not help my condition.
Nothing can! I am ruined! Ruined! [sighs.]
Please, give me a moment.
[sighs, sniffles.]
Okay, listen.
Puss feels terrible about all of this.
Because all of this is his fault.
Oh, come on.
It's not so bad! Our town is on top of a giant wolf which apparently means that we are all doomed! How is that not bad? Oh.
Right.
I wasn't sure what we were talking about.
Anyway, he seems a little fragile.
We all need to be really nice to him.
Yay! Being nice to Puss is my favorite thing to be to him! [slowly.]
Be nice? To Puss? Yes.
Extremely nice.
[Puss.]
Hola, everyone! [gasps.]
Dulcinea, I know you are worried about me, but since I last saw you, I have solved all of my problems using my brain muscles.
I am cured.
Oh, goodie! - Hmph.
- Hooray! [squealing.]
Yes.
I have decided that given my role in bringing about the ruin of our town, I, Puss in Boots, must step down as hero of San Lorenzo, effective immediately.
Forever.
[gasps.]
[shouts.]
No! [groans.]
Yes, well, if you will excuse me, I must go plan the rest of my dull unexceptional life.
Adios.
[hooves clicking.]
[door opens.]
- Hallo, Puss! - Do not speak to me, Uli! - But why? - Because I despise you.
Oh.
Ja, that makes sense.
[sighs.]
My last leche as a hero.
[slurps, gulps.]
Ahh.
Are you retiring? Only from heroing.
I will find a new job! Perhaps, I will become one of those people who makes the hammerings [mimics hammering.]
with the hammery thing and the spikey-spikes.
- You mean a carpenter? - Yes! That! Doh.
You know, Puss I've messed up in my life more times than I can count.
Each time I've run.
And I'll tell ya, laddie I have regrets.
I've never told anyone this, but I was in love once.
It was war time and we were on opposing sides, but we didn't care.
We were young, and went on the run together! So, there we were on our wedding day, but little did we know, an assassin [Puss laughs.]
An amusing tale, Pajuna.
Well, I must go find a new life path.
[coin clinks.]
[Puss.]
Wish me luck! [footsteps departing.]
And that's the last time I ever allow myself to feel anything.
I will find a new job.
Perhaps I could be Artephius' assistant! [Puss meows, groans.]
[explosion.]
[yowls.]
[Puss.]
A horse! [strains, groans.]
- A hammery spikey-spike person! - [Toby.]
Ya-ha ha! Ya-ha! [Toby.]
Yay! A bartender! [gasps.]
[groans.]
[shatters.]
Well, I don't care what the other owl mothers let their owl children do.
We don't use that kind of language.
And another thing [Puss.]
Hold it right there, amigo.
Uh, Puss? Are you okay? Better than okay! I have become a crossing guard, you see? I protect this busy thoroughfare.
[Artephius.]
Well, makes sense to me! It is the best thing I ever did for myself.
See how I, uh, smile? So, you call what you're doing with your mouth a smile? Mm-hm.
Yes.
I grant you safe passage.
Carefully, now.
Uh, thanks? [Artephius groans.]
Good-bye! [horse whinnies.]
Okay, next.
On you go, tumbleweed.
What a wonderful day for doing this thing that I love.
[laughs.]
Stop.
Go.
Stop.
Go.
[laughs.]
Behold, how nobly I guard this crossing! [forced laughter.]
You will rise up to San Lorenzo and steal the treasure.
Trust me.
[shouting.]
I have complete faith in this plan! Did you know that cloud looks like a bunny rabbit? Yeah.
And that one looks like Puss, when he was a hero.
Ooh! And that one looks like breakfast! And that one looks like another breakfast! And another! So many breakfasteses! Did you know that one looks like a thief tied to a kite? [bandit.]
This is magical! Whee! [shouting.]
Puss! [Puss snoring.]
- [Toby shouts.]
Puss! Puss! - Huh? Gah! Toby, hello! Have you come to see me not being a hero, which is a thing I enjoy? Puss, there's a flying thief! That would be of interest to someone who is a hero.
But that someone is not me.
- But - Toby, as a hero, I brought nothing but suffering to San Lorenzo.
I can do that no longer.
- But, Puss we need you.
- [bandit.]
Whee! [grunts.]
[bandit.]
Ha-ha! San Lorenzo! I have flown here to take all of your treasure! [bandit grunts.]
[groans.]
[both grunting.]
[bandit growls.]
[groans.]
[cracks neck.]
[grunts.]
Give it to him! [shouting.]
[grunts, groans.]
This Hah! [bandit groans.]
is what happens [bandit yells.]
to robbers and thieves [continues groaning.]
and men who whisper sweet sweet lies! [bandit gasps.]
[screams.]
[groans.]
[sighs.]
He probably made new friends.
[groaning, screaming.]
Settle down there, princess.
[chuckles.]
This feels incredible! [bandit screaming.]
[groans.]
[panting.]
[bandit groaning.]
You see? I am unneeded as a hero.
Well, we don't need a crossing guard, either! [sobbing.]
[guitar playing.]
Toby is right.
But we do need [cringes.]
better music.
Aww.
[groans.]
Ah, a new friend! How delightful! Wunderbar, wunderbar! Welcome! [groaning.]
I am in so much pain.
You know what will help mit that? Dancing! [chanting.]
Clip und clop! Und clip und clop! Und clip und clop! Und clip und Und clip und clop! Und clip und clop! Clip und clop! Und clip und clip und clop! [sobbing.]
[gasps.]
It's like I became a new woman out there! It was such a rush! Everyone is worried about you.
[Señora Zapata laughing.]
[Puss.]
Puss in Boots is dead! [all gasping.]
Huh? Say hello to San Lorenzo's legendary street performer [strums guitar.]
Manuel with Shoes! He looks like Puss in the Boots.
[chuckles.]
Pish-posh! They are completely different.
For one, Manuel wears his hat at a much jauntier angle.
What happened to being a crossing guard? My talents were being wasted.
I have always had an artistic soul.
So, you're gonna be a busker? No! That is a vulgar term.
I am a minstrel, a jongleur, a poet of the streets! [dramatic strumming.]
And now, I sing.
Uno, dos Huh? [rumbling.]
[crashing outside.]
[people screaming.]
[dramatic strumming.]
[all screaming.]
Whoa! Why are we in the sky? I'm freaking out here! Whoever is responsible for this will pay! [rapid strumming.]
Oh.
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! I hate it up here! It's the worst thing to ever happen to anybody ever! Oh, hello, King.
Can I, uh help you? [slurps.]
Well, that depends.
Can you explain to me why [shouts.]
we're up here instead of down there where we belong? [screaming.]
It's been a very distressing morning.
Actually, yes.
Uh [chuckles.]
Oh.
You're gonna wanna hear this So, I wake up and there's light shining in from the cracks in the rocks, right? I think to myself, "Oh, that's kind of weird.
" So, we poke our heads out to look and it turns out, our kingdoms are inside some sort of I don't know, some kind of giant dog statue! Way up in the sky! Where we're not supposed to be! Ever! Okay, right.
Well, if you'll let me explain Not done.
So, there's all light and junk, and I'm like, "Whoa.
Who could be to blame for this?" Hm Hm "Oh, I know! Puss in Boots!" [off-key notes.]
I am afraid you are mistaken.
I am no longer Puss in Boots.
Then who are you? I am a minstrel.
You may call me Manuel with Shoes! Uno, dos, tres, cuatro! [strums gentle chord.]
Puss in Boots is gone A minstrel takes his place To charm you all with lovely songs That come out of his face! Aye, aye, aye Aye, aye, aye Guards! Good luck trying to apprehend me! The guitar is mightier than the sword! En garde! I mean, en guitarde! [grunting.]
[Puss screeches.]
[groans.]
Ha-ha! [grunting.]
[dramatic strumming.]
[Puss groans.]
[grunts, straining.]
Oh.
Oof! [hisses.]
I can't believe I was into you.
- Puss in Boots - Manuel with Shoes.
Whatever! I hereby charge you with totally freaking me out and ruining everything and making my kingdom go up into the sky! No! Not that! Halt! You're pretty.
How do you plead? Guilty! Hah! You can not convince us you are innocent of Wait, what? Yes, guilty.
Very, very guilty.
[all gasping.]
Ow.
[hushed whispers.]
All right, hold it down! Now, this catman stands on trial on charges to which he hath pled guilty.
Who here will defend him? Uh [Dulcinea.]
I will! [everyone gasping.]
No.
I am guilty and I intend to prove it.
You wanna prove yourself guilty? All right, fine.
Have it your way, you weirdo.
Proceed! [guard groaning.]
In the history of San Lorenzo, no one has ever been a worse hero and protector than I, Manuel with Shoes! Formerly Puss in Boots.
There were so many times that I have ruined things for the fine people of San Lorenzo, that it is hard to keep track.
But a few come to mind.
[Puss.]
For starters, there was this one time I brought a ferocious dragon to town.
It breathed fire and everyone died.
And then of course, there was the time I carelessly knocked over the orphanage, causing all of the orphans to be instantly crushed.
I also set fire to the barn destroyed the town's fine art collection, ate an ogre's toenail, and once grew so fat, that I broke a donkey's back.
[braying.]
Which of course, brings us to the incident in question, the time I made a Bloodwolf statue come up out of the ground, and San Lorenzo fell off of it.
And everyone died.
[screaming.]
I rest my case.
Oh, my gosh! You killed everyone so many times! You're a monster! There is literally no way any of those things happened.
See? I'm standing right here in front of you.
[gasping.]
From beyond the grave! Stay back, specter! Ehh! Okay, let me talk it over with my inner council.
[man yelps.]
[crashing.]
Inner council, get over here! That's you, Queenie.
[king whispers.]
I don't know.
What do you think? [softly.]
I do believe he's telling the truth.
What? Yeah.
Yeah.
[chuckles.]
Yeah, totally, totally.
[Mole King chuckling.]
Yeah, yeah.
[Uli.]
Ja, Das Blutwolf is very strong und powerful.
There's only one thing that has even a teeeeeny chance of defeating him.
Having a best friend to tell your secrets to is the best, no? We are not friends! Ja, precisely, we are friends.
Und you are lucky that is so, because I am the only one who knows all about Das Blutwolf.
Including all of his strengths und all of his [whispers.]
weaknesses.
What was that about weaknesses? Gasp! You were droppings the eaves on me! Naughty cow! I will tell you nothing! In fact, that is the last thing I will ever say to you.
Und this part about being the last thing.
Und this part.
Und this part.
Starting now! I've got to tell Puss! No! Do not utter a word of this to him! Und okay, ja, she's gone.
[goes off-key.]
[tuning.]
[Mole King clears throat.]
All right.
We're ready to make our royal decree! Manuel with Shoes! We find you guilty of making everyone die! For your horrible crimes, we hereby sentence you to a gazillion years in prison! [grunts.]
[all gasping.]
Yes! [grunts.]
I told you I could do it.
Do not cry for me, Dulcinea.
This is the punishment I deserve.
[Puss.]
Aah! Ah Ah, look at him.
[laughing.]
Oh, he's great.
[sighs.]
Look at this guy.
[laughs.]
[music.]
[gasps.]
Puss!