The Adventures Of Puss In Boots (2015) s03e11 Episode Script

Cat Fish

1 [cat purrs, meows.]
[fast, lively flamenco music playing.]
[Puss yowling.]
El Gato! [yowls.]
3x11 - Cat Fish [upbeat pirate music playing.]
We're a mighty crew on the ocean blue And we do whatever we want to do We fight and sing and fly about Sometimes we whisper, sometimes we shout We're fearless as a one-eyed shark And our bite is far worse than our bark We're strong and we're scary Immoral and hairy And we never get scared of nothing Except for the following Skeletons! Ham! Flying! Spoons! Certain dog breeds! Eye contact! Philosophy! Canned meat! Old people! Babies! Normal-aged people! Horses! Did we say spoons? We're a mighty crew on the ocean blue But whatever it is that you happen to do Please don't tell our moms! [humming.]
Huh? [men gasping, groaning.]
Pirate Joe! Are you all right? Not my name.
And I be fine! I were just afraid we were all going to die in a horrible wreck, is all.
Being afraid is nothing to be ashamed of.
- I, too, have a fear.
- Of flying in a straight line? No.
Of the ocean.
Afraid of the ocean? - It is entirely natural.
- Mateys, we must help our friend overcome his horrible fear of the briny deep! No, no.
I do not require such help.
- [all chanting.]
Face your fears! - No, no, no - I really do not - Face your fears! Face your fears! [screaming.]
Maybe we should've parked closer to the water.
That be a long fall.
Must ye overthink everything? [gurgling.]
[heart beating.]
Felina! [laughs.]
Hi, Puss! [shrieks.]
It's me, Feejee! Hi! [Feejee.]
Take it! Take it! [Puss straining.]
Take it! [gulps, coughs.]
[takes deep breath.]
Wait! How am I breathing right now? Nice to see you, too.
I'm fine, thanks for asking.
That was magic kelp.
Lets you breathe underwater.
Oh, my gosh, you know [Puss grunts.]
You know what would be so great? [shouts.]
If you came to lunch where I live at! [laughs, squeaking.]
That is really quite nice, but uh, I must be going back to my ship.
I am a pirate now, you see.
But even big strong pirates have to eat.
For old time's sake? Oh [kisses.]
Maybe another time.
Okay, your call.
Bye forever! No! Do not leave me here alone in this icy grave! [giggles, squeaks.]
Hook, line, and sinker.
Wait, did I say that out loud? Whoopsie-doodle! [laughs.]
[Puss grunts.]
[giggles, gulps.]
[Puss groans.]
And there's the atrium.
Wonderful light! The library, gymnasium, the bathroom, although honestly, you can pretty much just pee wherever.
[squeaking giggle.]
So you still into winking? Uh [giggling.]
Uh no.
Too bad.
Should we tell him the good news? I thought you'd never ask.
- Should I leave you - Do you want to or should I? - Okay.
- Let's say it at the same time! [shrieks.]
Brad and I are having a baby any day now! That is wonderful, Feejee.
Congratulations! Do you need to sit down? [laughs.]
Oh, silly Puss.
I'm not having the baby.
Read a book! Then who is? [Brad.]
Is that Puss in Boots I hear? [laughs.]
It is.
Puss, you old devil.
What do ya say, chum? Put 'er there.
Puss, you remember my fiancé, now husband, Brad, don't you? - Yes! Yes! Yes! - I haven't seen you since Feejee tricked you into marrying her to win me back.
Good times.
Say, who wants hors d'oeuvres? I do! [grunting, vomits.]
[loud munching.]
Feejee, please.
Guests eat first! Umm, no.
Thank you.
The magic kelp Feejee violently shoved into my mouth was actually quite filling.
Suit yourself, chum.
[Feejee munching.]
I am sorry, but Brad is having the baby? This is very confusing to me.
Oh, Puss, you crack me up.
There's nothing confusing about it.
[loud belch.]
For merpeople, it is the merman who carries the child.
How bizarre for you.
Hey, wanna feel? Oh, no! That is all right.
Whoa! [straining.]
No, no, no! Come on.
Do it.
Feel it! Feel it! [straining.]
[Keith Merman.]
Stop everything! [Brad.]
Dad? What is the meaning of this? [Puss grunts.]
Puss, this is my father-in-law.
Emperor Keith Merman, Merman Emperor of the Mermen! [sarcastically.]
All hail the Emperor.
Oh, hi, Feejee.
I didn't see you there.
You're looking even crazier than usual.
New shampoo? [snarling.]
The proud grandfather-to-be! [grunts.]
Hello, I am An intruder to our realm! One who, it should be pointed out, is the reason my wonderful son married that thing.
None may enter the Realm of the Merpeople! Guards! [blaring screams.]
Nobody tells me into which realms I may or may not intrude! En garde! [grunts.]
Whoa! Whoa! Outsider! I offer you two choices of punishment.
Choice one, fight the deadly and horrible Bloarg! [chanting.]
Bloarg! Bloarg! Bloarg! Choice two, face the ultimate punishment! Which one is worse? Honestly, it's a toss-up.
You pretty much die either way.
I see.
In that case, I suppose I must choose escape! [straining.]
I guess I will fight your deadly and horrible Bloarg.
Bloarg! Bloarg! Then it shall be so! You have 24 hours to prepare, Outsider.
Guards! It is time for my royal tinkle.
To the royal tinkling place.
Ooh, ooh, it hurts so bad.
I shouldn't have drank so much water.
This is why I hate the ocean.
Any sign of him? No.
Any sign of him? No, but by all means, keep asking me every five seconds.
Any sign of him? [sighs.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! [Brad.]
All right, listen up, old buddy.
I know you're beating yourself up over this whole thing.
And that you're terrified at the prospect of fighting the deadly Bloarg underwater.
Well then, teach me to swim, so that I may fight this Bloarg with panache! Whoa! Sorry, but swimming isn't the kind of thing that can be taught.
But just think Teaching me how to swim will be wonderful parenting practice! You will be required to work as a team and be wholly responsible for the well-being of a completely helpless creature.
Just pretend I am your baby.
Pretend you're our baby, huh? [giggling.]
[Feejee giggling, squeaking.]
[giggling, squealing.]
All right, Baby Puss, are you ready to learn how to swim? Yes! And I shall master it quicker than Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, slow down, son! We're gonna start basic.
Repeat after me.
[blows raspberries.]
Now, you try.
Come on, little fella.
You can do it.
What? Oh, nothing.
It's just, you're over-thinking it.
Swimming is as natural as shoes on a cat! But other cats don't wear shoes.
I'm almost definitely positive I've seen at least a dozen other cats wearing shoes in my life.
I highly doubt that.
Oh, because Feejee can't ever be right about something, is that it? "Feejee's so stupid! Feejee should just eat her own arm!" Sweetie! [chuckles.]
Not in front of our child.
- You're acting - Crazy?! [screeching.]
Don't you put words in my mouth! [screeching.]
All right.
Take all that boring stuff what's-his-face just said, set fire to it, and listen to me.
Let's skip ahead to fight stabbing! Yes! This, I can do.
Sweetums, isn't that a little advanced? [grunts.]
So, pretend that I'm the Bloarg and stab me to death with this spear.
- Got it? - Um What? - Feejee - What? I think that's a teensy bit violent for a C-H-I-L-D.
Oh, sure.
Let's raise Baby Puss to be a sissy like your father did with you.
You wouldn't know how to stab a Bloarg to death if it bit you on the nose and said, "Hey! Stab me to death!" [screeching.]
Back to basics.
Now you.
Whoa, whoa! Way to go, little fella! You're coddling him! A child needs encouragement! [screeching.]
The Bloarg isn't gonna fight fair, so neither should you! This is gonna be a scrappy street fight.
Talking about a brawl, Baby Puss.
Know what I'm saying? You are saying it will be a brawl.
Yes, yes, yes! So when that Bloarg comes out, you gotta strike first.
Like this [screeching.]
Whoa! [sighs.]
Hate to be a naysaying narwhal, Feej, but you really crossed a line.
Oh, you think so? Yes, I do.
Very much.
First, you teach him how to stab you in the face, now you're giving him style tips? Oh, gee, everyone look at Brad's big brain! He knows everything.
Oh, would you listen to yourself? Would you listen to yourself? [grunting.]
Enough! Enough of this mommy-daddy bickering! If you cannot work as a team to teach your fake child to swim, how are you ever going to raise a real child to survive this world? Pardon me, young man, but how dare you talk to us like that? Yeah! We're a good team.
We're so sweet with each other.
Stand up straight! Your posture is the worst thing in the universe! Feejee, this is the fish mommy-daddy of your child.
You must treat him gently.
Hmph! [growling.]
And Bradley, you must never upset Feejee because she is your wife.
And also terrifying.
The kid is right.
Feejee, baby, I'm sorry.
I've just been so stressed out about our future that I've forgotten to nurture our present.
I'm sorry, too.
I guess I can be a little crazy sometimes.
Sometimes? [screeching.]
We're fishy partners for life, Feejee, and we're gonna be the best parents ever! Now, come here, you! [kissing.]
Egh! This calls for a celebratory feast! [retching.]
Excuse me.
You may have solved your parenting issues, but my problem is very much unsolved.
I think I have a solution.
[Caribbean music playing.]
Are you going to sing? Sometimes it seems the ocean is scary But it really isn't very Ocean life is for cats and mermen Even if it's full of urine Full of what now? Inside the water Inside the water It's an undersea buffet You can eat-barf night and day - # Your big fear of the ocean # - Whoa! Is just a dumb, silly notion So swim inside the water! [yelling.]
[continues yelling.]
[snores, grunts.]
Hey, I am doing it.
- Success! - Yay! Puss! [laughs.]
This is wonderful! It is like wet flying.
Wee-hee-hee-hee-hee! I love the ocean.
Puss in Boots! It is time.
The Bloarg will be summoned, and you will fight it! [grunts, straining.]
I hate the ocean.
[low snarling, roars.]
[groans, exhales.]
For thousands of years, the deadly and horrible Bloarg has ruled the seven seas with his horribleness.
Legend has it that the Bloarg was born of a bloodthirsty shark and a demented mountain lion.
Of course, this is only speculation since no one has ever seen it and lived to tell the tale! Outsider! Are you prepared for battle? - If I say, "No," do I get more time to - No.
Then emphatically yes! Excellent.
Release the Bloarg! [breathes deeply.]
Bloarg! Bloarg! Bloarg! [chanting continues.]
[creature roars.]
[chanting resumes.]
Bloarg! Bloarg! Bloarg! [creature snarling.]
[creature roars.]
[creature purring.]
[purring grunts.]
Eh Huh? This is the Bloarg? I guess so.
Everyone always picks the Ultimate Punishment, so we've never actually seen it.
Man, this is just really disappointing.
Like, so disappointing.
What a letdown.
Does this mean I can go? Sure, why not? Huzzah! After my guards slay you! Attack! [gasps.]
[Spanish guitar music playing.]
Go, Puss! Whoo! Guards, come on! Do stabby stuff.
[Brad screams.]
The baby's coming! - Sweetie! - Son! Brad! [gasping, panting.]
Just breathe, sweetie.
My son! My first and only son! Well, you all seem to have this very much covered, so Puss! Please! Feejee and I talked it over and [straining.]
we want you to deliver our baby.
What? [gasping.]
That's right.
Get in there and deliver this fish baby! Wow! Okay, the thing is, I [screams.]
The baby is coming! Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! [all gasp.]
Ohh! [crying out.]
[baby music playing.]
[making noises.]
Did you see how fast I delivered the fish baby? [laughs.]
It must have been a world record.
Maybe I should pursue a career in medicine.
You and I are not so different, Puss in Boots.
I am the ruler of a glorious undersea realm and you are a cat who can swim.
I do not see the similarity.
At any rate, I am thankful for what you have done today.
I'm a proud grandpapa! [squeaking laughter.]
Puss in Boots is always happy to help a friend.
Which is why I'm really sorry to say that you're still gonna have to face the Ultimate Punishment.
- What? - Yeah, I know.
Stinks, right? What is the Ultimate Punishment? Exile to the surface! Exile to the You realize this is what I wanted all along, right? [burps.]
Okay, so I am just going to go.
Congratulations to you all.
[baby giggling.]
Anyhoo, this calls for a royal feast.
Guards! [upbeat music plays.]
[all vomiting.]
[Briny Pete.]
He was a brave cat.
And an excellent swordsman.
And he sure knew how to fly a ship.
Ay [uncertain murmurs.]
[Puss coughing.]
Puss! You're back! Yes! I have conquered my fear of the ocean.
From beyond the grave! - He's a filthy ghost! - Get him! [screaming.]