The Adventures Of Puss In Boots (2015) s06e03 Episode Script

Lost and Foundlings

- El Gato! [YOWLS.]
A pure manifestation of true beauty.
It is like a whisper from the heavens or a town with no thieves in it or San Lorenzo after I heroically found all the villagers and brought them back.
It is the type of day on which nothing bad can happen.
Usually when I say something like Whoa! Whoa! [GRUNTS.]
- Puss, what was that? - I do not know, but [KID PICKLES.]
Sweet daddy dill weed! Was that an earthquake? Puss in the Boots! What did you do? Um, does everyone hear the prejudgment there, or is it just me? Children! Is everyone all right? All right? I got bounced clear out of my bed, and I hit the ceiling at, like, 50 miles an hour! It was awesome! I wanna do it again! Did you know that they are called earthquakes because they make the earth quake? What? That doesn't make any sense.
Well, if everyone is all right, then no harm, no foul, I suppose.
Clearly, nothing really bad can happen today.
Yah-ha! Nothing? Really? Maybe my timing's off.
Ah! The Duchess! - [PUSS.]
We - Ghost! - [GRUNTS.]
He's not a ghost! [SCREAMS.]
And neither am I.
I feel like I should clarify that immediately.
But wait.
Wait, how is this? - You're alive? - [PUSS GROANS.]
And Puss is alive? [PUSS GRUNTING.]
- Barely - [BABIECA NEIGHS.]
And Babieca is alive, and - [TOBY.]
Oh, I get it! - [DUCHESS.]
And Toby! Earth quake.
How about that? [GRUNTS.]
Tag, you're it! - [KIDS GIGGLING.]
Can't catch me! But if you four are alive could that possibly mean Hiya, Duchie! Hum-ta-tum-tum-tum Just a little song I'm working on.
No big deal.
What do you think? Wait, don't answer that.
Still needs work.
Anyway, what were you thinking for dinner tonight? I was trying to decide between Chinese and Italian and then I remembered we don't have either of those things.
So, yeah, I guess dinner tonight is milk.
Oh, Artie! You're alive! - You're - [GRUNTS.]
Why didn't you tell me you were alive? I was alive? When? I don't believe it.
I just don't believe it.
Artie, I saw your grave.
I saw it! I visited your grave day after day.
I planted flowers on your grave.
I overwatered the flowers, and they died.
I planted new flowers.
They died as well.
It turns out I'm really bad at taking care of flowers.
The buzzards seemed to like the dead flowers, so I let them stay.
We grew close, the buzzards and I.
They became my only true friends in the world.
They abandoned me because I was too huggy.
Long story short, I was rejected by scavengers who eat garbage.
It was a tough time.
Ha-ha! A most amusing tale.
It is nice that we are all together again, on a day when nothing bad can happen.
Ha! [PUSS.]
Nailed it! Thieves! You have no place here! I do! I lived right over there for, like, months.
We had jobs and hobbies.
Also, we forgot our toothbrushes.
Enough talk! Not enough fight! Hoo! [ALL SHOUTING.]
Anyway I've come to San Lorenzo to make a big announcement.
I have decided to start a family! Ooh, Duchess, what wonderful news! I'm glad you think so, Dulcinea.
I'm going to need your help in deciding which orphan to take away with me forever! [BOTH GASP.]
Does anyone else hear dramatic music? Hello? Did you hear me? [LAUGHING.]
Oh, you really had me there.
For a moment, I thought you were serious.
You want to adopt one of our orphans? Why? When I learned Artie was dead, it drove me into a state of depression.
I know what'll make you feel better! Chinese food! Or did we decide on Italian? Quiet! I am done with you! If you couldn't be bothered to tell me you were alive, I can't be bothered to acknowledge your existence! [PANTS.]
So I retreated to my sisters' castle to emotionally recuperate.
Spending time with them allowed me to see that family is really the most important thing.
And I've realized that what will make me truly happy is - [CHILDREN LAUGHING.]
- starting one of my own.
So what happens when somebody wants to, uh, adopt one of the orphans? I don't know.
The children are up for adoption, aren't they? Isn't that kind of the point of orphanages? San Lorenzo was isolated for so long that we never really had to consider it, but, well, I suppose.
Yes, technically, in theory.
Excellent! I will pick the one I want and take her or him off to live with me in my dank, terrifying castle.
What fun! [CLEARS THROAT.]
I apologize for the interruption.
Where were we? You were saying that you were really very really upset? [DULCINEA MOANS.]
The Duchess wants to adopt an orphan.
This is fine.
- This is good, great! - [CERAMIC SHATTERS.]
Gotta figure out how to break it to them.
I need a rhyme that says, "You're leaving everyone you know "to live in a creepy castle," but in a way that makes it sound super fun! [CHUCKLES.]
- [MOANS.]
- Hmm! I say we take care of this Duchess.
See that she has a little "accident.
" That way, none of the children will ever leave us.
Ever! Aw, Señora Zapata, you're getting all sentimental.
It is sentimental to suggest that we inflict severe bodily harm on someone? Sure, when you do it out of love! No, you're right.
It's still terrible.
What do we tell the children? The truth.
The Duchess wants to start a family.
We'll encourage each of them to try their hardest to win over the Duchess and be the lucky one that gets adopted.
Ugh, fine.
I will let the Duchess know or drop a rock on her.
So! The Duchess is adopting one of us.
- Really? - What? Hang on.
Let me rephrase that.
She's adopting one of you! 'Cause it ain't gonna be me.
Did you know that it is not going to be me? Maybe it should be Esme.
I don't want to go.
Maybe it should be Toby.
Why not? Move away from everybody and live in a creepy castle? Sounds like fun! Toby! Say the words again, and listen to them this time.
Okay! Move away from everybody and live in a creepy castle.
Aah! I don't want it to be me! - Maybe it should be Cleevil! - Oh, sure! I'd love to go live with the lady who tricked me into being evil by promising me a princess castle that she didn't have and then later shot me with a magic death ray.
Uh-huh! I'm totally into it! Perfect! Problem solved.
- Huh? Puss, I need some advice.
How do you suggest we settle this orphan conundrum? On the one hand, I have to do what's best for the orphans, but on the other hand Oh, I'd miss them too much, and I never, ever, ever want them to leave! Dulcinea, as a nomad and a loner, I have learned never to get too attached to anyone or anything.
I suppose that makes sense.
Mmm, turrón.
Can I have some? No! They are special! I could never part with even one of them! My heart could not bear the pain! - Not helpful.
Children! Gather around the Duchess, children.
She has something she'd like to tell you.
After you.
- Did you know you can go before me? - [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Kids! Out in the square! You know I don't like it when you dawdle.
Hey! Watch the tushy! One of them I will not get to see dawdle after today.
I hate my emotions.
Oh, children.
Let me see.
How should I explain this? When I was a little girl, my father would bring me to the market, and he would allow me to select the best ox.
I always had a real knack for choosing the biggest, plumpest ox in the whole market.
And then we'd bring it home, and we would chop its head off and butcher it and devour it! [CHOMPING AGGRESSIVELY.]
Was that clear to you? - Shall I tell it again? - [ALL WHIMPER.]
The point is, I'm going to choose one of you poor, squalid urchins to adopt, but first, you must impress me, and so we will have the Orphan Games! [ALL.]
Hmm? You know, like the Olympian games? Ancient Greek athletic festival? Held every four years at the sanctuary of Zeus in Olympia? Dear me, woman, have these children ever had a history lesson? [DULCINEA.]
See, kids, you just have to try really hard at these fun games, and that'll help the Duchess decide which lucky boy, girl, or goblin will become her new child.
So you want us to Try our best? Mm-hmm.
Your very best [VOICE BREAKS.]
so that one of you can leave us and be happy! [CRYING.]
Oh! I think I heard the timer.
My cake, cookies, brownies [PUSS.]
He is the king of cats And he is super neat And he has fancy boots Upon his fancy feet - [THIEF.]
Hope you don't mind - Huh? if I take a little off the top.
Or should I say, take a little off the topiary? [CHUCKLES.]
Hedge humor.
Fiend! I thought I chased you out of town earlier today.
I thought so too! [SHEARS SNIPPING.]
Ah, so we are in agreement.
Good day, sir.
Wait! That is not the point.
Prepare to be chased out again! - [WHIMPERS.]
[THIEF 2.]
Apples! Nice round apples! Good for eating, or painting still lifes! [THIEF 3.]
Shine your shoes, señor? [GRUNTS.]
Huh? But I - Uh-oh.
- [YELLS.]
- Next time, bring real weapons! That was not a challenging workout! I need to feel the burn! Children, it is time for the Orphan Games! Duchie! I brought you a candlestick! [GROANS.]
That is a stool.
Ah, tomato, tomahto.
Why would you bring me a stool or a candlestick? Well, I thought you were mad at me.
I am.
So I I don't What are you trying to do here? You were mad, so I brought you a candlestick.
A candlestick.
I just I don't know how to make that any clearer.
You guys get it, right? [DUCHESS.]
Artephius! I want nothing from you! Nothing! Ooh! So if I bring you nothing, you won't be mad at me anymore! - Got it! - I didn't say And he's gone.
What was I talking about? Oh, that's right, the Orphan Games.
First event, jumping very high.
Begin now! It is like I am a bird.
- [TOBY.]
Oh, boy.
And time! That was incredible! You all jumped much higher than I can.
Now for our next event yodeling! [CHILDREN YODELING HALFHEARTEDLY.]
Oh, my goodness.
It's like I'm back on my semester abroad in the Swiss Alps.
Good job, children! [DUCHESS.]
- You - Hi, I'm nothing! [GRUNTS.]
You've all done a simply superb job of impressing me.
You all move on to the next round of games! - Oh, goodie.
- Yay.
Great job, kids! It seems like you're all - [CHOMPING.]
- trying very hard to be adopted and leave us! [WHIMPERS.]
We sure do want to be adopted and leave.
I'm real exhausted from all this "giving it my best.
" Oh, wonderful! Good, good, good, good, good, good.
So good! [LAUGHS.]
Oh, oops! Oops, I think that was a knock on the door of my Oven! Just my muffins reminding me that they're cupcakes! [CRYING.]
One of you is going to leave, and that is A-okay! Turnip husking! He is the greatest guy Who you could ever meet With such a handsome face And with a voice so sweet Huh? How did he find us? This is my room! - [PUSS.]
I cannot get rid of you! You are like the cucarachas! At least the cucarachas, when I open my door, have the decency to skitty-scatter away! En garde, ingrates! [GRUNTS.]
What? What is this? Why are you not fighting as your fiendish nature compels you to? We miss San Lorenzo! [SOBS.]
The year we spent living here was the best year of our lives! We did not come back to steal anything.
We just want to, you know, be here again.
It was so nice living in a community.
- We had jobs selling apples.
- And shining shoes.
And designing topiary shrubs! But thieving, that is hard! And living in the desert is terrible! Can't we please stay? Please? I have never considered it before, but is it possible that thieves have feelings? It is almost like they are human.
Um, we are human.
You are the one who is not human, cat! Tat-tat-tat-tat! Don't push it.
Thieves, perhaps I have misjudged you.
Sadly, you cannot live in San Lorenzo, as it is already full of humans and cats and goblins and a cow.
- [THIEF 3.]
And skeletons! - And skeletons.
Yes, I was about to say skeletons.
I have an idea.
Come with me.
And now for your final event! Hey, Duchie! I brought you soup.
Whenever you're ready.
I am not drinking soup out of your hands.
Oh, that's okay.
Most of it dribbled out on my way over here.
Oh, nope.
All of it.
- Want a lick? - Artephius, leave me alone.
I'm busy.
I'm not leaving until you tell me why you're mad at me! If you don't know, then that's why I'm mad at you! Boy, I'll never figure women out.
Nothing they do ever makes sense! All right, Mr.
Shiny Gills! Time to get you dressed up for your nightly trip to the moon! [STAMMERING.]
What's that? Oh! [CHUCKLES.]
I know, right? He agrees with me.
You're cuckoo! Ugh.
Where were we? Ah, yes.
Our final event a pie-eating contest! Ooh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy! I mean, um, I'm not really that hungry or whatever.
I've had a couple pies already today.
Did you know that he actually did? [SKELETON GRUNTS.]
And time! Well, this is a surprising result.
None of you ate very much.
- Which means you all win! - [GROANING.]
That's the first thing I look for in a child, one who's not going to eat me out of house and home.
Bravo, kids! Hey, pork pal! What's the idea? I never seen you eat less than three pies! What about you? You scarf down food all the time! Disgusting food, by the way.
Pickles! The worst! You calling me a cheater? Did you know that you're all cheaters and that none of you even want to get adopted? [CHILDREN SHOUTING.]
Children! Stop this at once! You mustn't carry on like this.
If the Duchess sees you fighting, she won't want to adopt any of you! - [ALL GROWLING.]
- Urchins! My darling urchins! Stop all this madness! I heard what Dulcinea just said, and she couldn't be more wrong.
I loved this! It reminds me of the childhood I had with my sisters.
Constant fighting! Yes, you're just like me and my sisters [GASPS.]
Just like me and my sisters.
Oh, my gosh, you are! You're like sisters, only some of you are boy sisters.
She means you.
What was I thinking? You are a family.
I could never take one of you away.
Yay! So I'll adopt all of you! [GROANS LOUDLY.]
And since you already live together, the most sensible thing would be for me to move into the orphanage with you.
No one has to leave! Yay! Oh, this is exhausting.
Yay! All this unconditional love! It's going to take some getting used to.
Kids, I'll let you in on a secret.
I didn't want any of you to leave.
- No foolin'? Then we'll let you in on a secret.
We didn't want to leave either! And I'm gonna let you all in on a secret.
I ate all the pies! [CLEEVIL.]
When did you manage to [TOBY.]
Shh, shh, shh.
Don't ruin the moment.
Ta-da! Dead Man's Hollow.
Is this, uh, an abandoned town? Indeed.
I know it is not much to look at, what with the empty buildings and the skulls and the general desolation.
Well, uh, what do you think? [THIEF.]
It is perfect! [THIEF 2.]
Yes! It's a town desperately in need of apples, shiny shoes, and topiary! Thank you, Puss in Boots! It is nothing.
And now, I bid you adieu.
By the way, do not annoy the fearsome ogre who lives here.
Okay, good-bye.
Did he say ogre? - [OGRE GROWLS.]
You guys are heavy.
Hmm? Duchess.
You are still here.
Yes, indeed, Puss.
I've decided to adopt all of the orphans and live in the orphanage with them.
I've never been happier! [STAMMERS.]
You've never been happier? [CHUCKLES.]
So everything's okay! You're not mad at me anymore! Whew! That's a relief.
Whoa! I didn't I just meant [GROANING CONTENTEDLY.]
Oh, Artie.
Oh, I can't stay mad at you! You were mad at me? - Yay! - [PUSS GRUNTS.]
It is exactly like I said.
This is the type of day on which nothing bad can happen.
Hey, Puss! Want to hear us yodel? - [CHILDREN YODELING.]
- [SIGHS.]