The Amazing World of Gumball (2011) s04e03 Episode Script

The Signature; The Check

[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS .]
[ BANGING IN DISTANCE .]
[ BANGING CONTINUES .]
[ WHIR! .]
[ STEAM HISSES .]
[ CRASHING, CLATTERING .]
Dad: THERE.
Louis: THERE WAS A GREAT VACATION.
FLORIDA WAS REALLY GOOD FOR MY JOINTS.
HMM.
BUT NOT FOR MY SKIN.
HMM.
TASTES LIKE MY BATH WATER.
YOU NEED TO STOP EATING THINGS THAT AREN'T FOOD.
AND ALSO EAT LESS FOOD.
THANK YOU, LOUIE.
YOU KNOW, I NEVER HAD ANYONE TO SHARE THAT KIND OF PROFOUND WISDOM WITH ME.
IT'S CALLED SURVIVAL INSTINCT, AND IT COMES RIGHT AFTER BREATHING WITHOUT CONCENTRATING.
WHAT I MEAN IS I HOPE YOU WON'T MIND IF I CALL YOU DAD.
WELL, SINCE THIS IS ALREADY AWKWARD, IT'S A GOOD TIME TO TELL YOU THAT YOUR MOTHER AND I WANT TO MARRY AND MOVE TO FLORIDA.
WHAT? REALLY?! [ RATTLE! .]
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT IT? [ Straining .]
THAT'S [RATTLE!.]
G-GREAT! I'M IMPRESSED.
I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D TAKE IT LIKE AN ADULT.
I EXPECTED SOME KIND OF EXPLOSION.
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY WITH IT? I'M FINE! [ WHISTLE! HISS! .]
[ DOORBELL RINGS .]
Jojo: HOW'D IT GO? WELL, AT LEAST HE DIDN'T SAY NO.
[ GLASS SHATTERS .]
AH.
SO, LOUIE TOLD YOU.
[ MUFFLED GROANING .]
WHAT? [ CLANK! .]
AHH! [ CRANK! .]
I SAID, "I WILL NOT LET THIS MAN STEAL MY MOTHER!" COME ON, MR.
DAD.
TRY TO ADOPT A DIFFERENT ATTITUDE AND BE HAPPY FOR LOUIE.
HMMDAD, TRY, ADOPT, LOUIE, DAD NO.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! DAD ADOPT LOUIE! NO! WE WON'T LET YOU BECOME LOUIE'S DAD SO YOU HAVE THE POWER TO FORBID HIS WEDDING! [ CHUCKLES .]
THANKS.
I HAD NO IDEA WHERE I WAS GOING WITH THAT.
[ SMACK! SMACK! CLANK! .]
OH! Mom: AND ONE FOR MR.
FINKLEHEIMER.
[ WHISTLING .]
[ SQUEEP! .]
UGH! SO, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS UP TO? MAKING A GUEST LIST FOR THE WEDDING.
OH! CAN I SEE? [ HUMMING .]
WHOOPS! LOUIE, YOU FORGOT YOUR NAME ON THE GUEST LIST.
HMM.
SOMETHING SMELLS FISHY.
[ SNIFFS .]
NO, NOT YOU! THOSE ADOPTION PAPERS! NO, NO, NO, NO! DON'T! [ LAUGHS EVILLY .]
THOSE PAPERS YOU JUST SIGNED MEAN YOU'RE NOW OFFICIALLY MY SON! SO, AS YOUR FATHER, I HEREBY FORBID YOU FROM MARRYING MY MOTHER! [ ALL GASP .]
BOOM! I'M NUMBER ONE OOH! YOU ARE MY SON OOH! I'M NUMBER ONE HOW DARE YOU! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED! TUT, TUT, TUT.
I THINK IT'S TIME TO GO TO BED, SON.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I'M A 72-YEAR-OLD MAN! WHO WAS RAISED WITH TRADITIONAL VALUES TO ALWAYS OBEY HIS FATHER.
GOOD NIGHT, SIR.
[ GRUNTING .]
ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN CRASH WITH ME IN THE LOWER BUNK.
[ SIGHS .]
THANKS, KID.
[ SIGHS .]
I KNOW, LOUIE -- IT'S MESSED UP.
YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE OUR GRANDPA, BUT NOW YOU'RE OUR ADOPTED BROTHER, WHICH MAKES YOUR BRIDE YOUR GRANDMA AND YOUR FUTURE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW YOUR MOTHER.
HMM.
LOUIE, ADOPT, MOTHER LOUIE ADOPTS MOTHER.
LOUIE ADOPTS MOTHER! [ LAUGHING .]
[ DOOR OPENS .]
WOW, HE REALLY CHERRY-PICKED WHAT HE WANTS TO HAVE THAT SENTENCE.
HI, NICOLE -- UH, I MEAN MOM.
AW, THIS IS SO WEIRD.
I KNOW.
LET'S JUST TRY AND ROLL WITH IT, UHSWEETHEART.
SO, SINCE I'M ONE OF YOUR CHILDREN, I GUESS I HAVE TO SIGN UP FOR SCHOOL AGAIN.
HERE'S THE FORM.
LET'S JUST GET THIS OVER WITH SO HE CAN GO SHUDDER SOMEWHERE ELSE -- SEPARATELY.
OH, HEY, CAN I BORROW THIS SHIRT? SURE.
THANK YOU.
AHA! THESE ADOPTION FORMS NOW MAKE YOU MY DAUGHTER! AND IF I'M NOT ALLOWED TO SEE JOJO, THEN I FORBID YOU TO SEE RICHARD! BOOM! I HAVE JUST CAUGHT YA YOU ARE MY DAUGHTER! EVEN THOUGH I'M SHORTER OH, LOOK, A QUARTER [ CRUNCH! .]
OW! MY HIP DISORDER YOU'RE MY DAD NOW? HOW DOES THAT WORK? Anais: IT'S SIMPLE -- DAD ADOPTED LOUIE, AND LOUIE ADOPTED MOM, SO MOM IS MARRIED TO HER OWN GRANDFATHER, AND HE'S NOT ALLOWED TO SEE HER, WHICH IS WHY HE'S WEARING A BAG OVER HIS HEAD.
WAIT, IF MOM IS NOW THE DAUGHTER OF OUR BROTHER LOUIE, DOES THAT MEAN SHE'S OUR NIECE? I GUESS I AM, GUMBALL.
UH, ACTUALLY, IT'S UNCLE GUMBALL, WHICH MAKES ME MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU, SO GO CLEAN MY ROOM! NIECES DON'T TRADITIONALLY CLEAN THEIR UNCLES' ROOMS.
THAT'S NOT A THING.
IT'S NOT ABOUT TRADITION.
[ Deep voice .]
IT'S ABOUT POWER! SO WAIT A SEC -- IF YOU GET MORE POWER THE HIGHER YOU ARE UP THE FAMILY TREE, DOESN'T THAT MEAN THE MOST POWERFUL PERSON IN THE FAMILY IS -- ME.
Anais: NOT REALLY, 'CAUSE YOU'RE ALSO OUR BROTHER LOUIE'S FIANCéE.
Gumball: WHICH MAKES YOU HALF OUR SISTER-IN-LAW.
WHICH MEANS THE MOST POWERFUL PERSON IN THE FAMILY IS FRANKIE WATTERSON.
FRANKIE WATTERSON'S NOTHING BUT A CON MAN AND A SHYSTER! DON'T TALK ABOUT MY FATHER LIKE THAT! WHAT KIND OF FATHER GOES OUT FOR MILK AND STAYS GONE FOR 33 YEARS?! WELL, MAYBE HE'S STILL LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT CARTON OF MILK BECAUSE HE LOVES ME MORE THAN YOUR MOTHER-STEALING BOYFRIEND! THAT'S NO WAY TO TALK ABOUT YOUR SON! WELL, IF MY NEW DAD HADN'T STOPPED ME FROM SEEING MY HUSBAND, I COULD WORK THINGS OUT WITH HIM! [ ALL GROWLING .]
[ SCREAMING .]
GUYS, WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.
I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE, EVERYONE IS FIGHTING, AND IT TURNS OUT SHARING A ROOM WITH A VERY OLD MAN ISN'T NEARLY AS MUCH FUN AS I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.
YOU THOUGHT SHARING A ROOM WITH A VERY OLD MAN WOULD BE FUN? YOU'LL NEVER BE MY DAD! FRANKIE IS MY DAD! [ GASPS .]
NEVER, IS, CAN'T, YOUR, BE -- WE FIND FRANKIE WATTERSON, GET HIM TO ADOPT DAD AND BECOME HIS LEGAL FATHER AGAIN.
THAT WAY, FRANKIE WILL BE THE HEAD OF THE FAMILY, AND WE CAN GET BACK TO NORMAL.
I WAS GETTING THERE.
NO, YOU WEREN'T.
Frankie: AW, COME ON, GUYS, GIVE ME A BREAK! SHOULD HAVE PAID THE RENT.
THAT TV ISN'T EVEN WORTH 20 BUCKS! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH THE CURTAINS AND THE WINDOW? COME ON.
I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON THAT! [ THUMP! SCRAPE! .]
OH, FINE, TAKE THE COUCH! I'LL FIND SOME SCHMO TO FLEECE.
HMM, "LOOKING FOR INFORMATION ON THE WHEREABOUTS OF FRANKIE WATTERSON.
YOUR FAMILY NEEDS YOU, FRANKIE.
COME HOME.
" FRANKIEHOME.
HOME FOR FRANKIE.
HOME FOR FRANKIE! OH, COME ON! [ DOORBELL RINGS .]
[ ALL GASP .]
UH, HEY.
DAD! DAD! DAD! WHAT? WHAT?! WHAT? YOU'RE NOT A DAD.
SORRY -- IT'S BEEN A CONFUSING DAY.
DAD, LOOK WHO WE FOUND.
[ GASPS .]
SON? [ UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYS .]
[ MUSIC STOPS .]
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! BACK INTO MY HOUSE WITHOUT THAT CARTON OF MILK?! [ SOBBING .]
UH, GOOD TO SEE YOU, TOO, RICHARD.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, YOU DIRTY RAT? WE ASKED HIM TO COME -- TO ADOPT DAD SO HE CAN BECOME HIS FATHER AGAIN.
IS IT TRUE YOU WANT TO BE MY DAD AGAIN? YES, SON, I'M HERE TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT.
LOOK -- I BROUGHT A CONTRACT.
UH, HAS ANYBODY GOT A PEN? THANKS, WHO-- UH, WHATEVER YOU ARE.
OH, I'M NICOLE'S UNCLE, BUT I USED TO BE A PET.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SIGN HERE, SON.
THE YELLOW COPY IS FOR YOUR RECORDS.
AWESOME! WE'RE A COMPLETE FAMILY AGAIN! WHAT'S GOING ON? WHERE'S DAD? WHY IS HIS SHIRT ON THE FLOOR? LET ME SEE THAT.
THESE AREN'T ADOPTION PAPERS.
"I, RICHARD WATTERSON, HEREBY SIGN OVER THE DEEDS TO THE HOUSE TO THE OLDEST WATTERSON.
" THAT'S FRANKIE! HE'S GONNA TAKE THE HOUSE! All: AAH! BUT IF LOUIE MARRIES GRANNY JOJO FIRST AND TAKES HER NAME, HE'LL BE THE OLDEST WATTERSON.
THEN HE CAN GIVE THE HOUSE BACK TO US! All: YAY! WE NEED TO GET TO THE TOWN HALL NOW! ONE MORE BEFORE WE GO? All: YAY! OKAY, LET'S GO.
[ ENGINE REVS .]
[ SCREECH! .]
HEY, YOU CAN'T PARK HERE! [ CREAK! .]
[ CRASH! ALARM BLARES .]
WHICH LINE DO WE TAKE FOR A MARRIAGE LICENSE? YOU NEED THE LINE FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT LINE THEY NEED.
WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT! THIS IS THE KINGDOM OF BUREAUCRACY.
EVERYTHING HAPPENS IN ITS OWN TIME.
USUALLY TOO LATE.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS .]
[ MUSIC STOPS, BELL DINGS .]
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF! I'M SORRY, JOANNA.
I'M DESPERATE.
[ BELL DINGS .]
BUT IT'S OUR HOME! IF THEY COULD BUY ONE, THEY CAN BUY ANOTHER.
[ BELL DINGS .]
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO YOUR OWN SON?! I'M SORRY, BUT THAT'S HOW IT [ BELL DINGS .]
IS.
GUMBALL, DO SOMETHING! UNH! WHAT WAS THAT? THIS IS THE KINGDOM OF BUREAUCRACY.
EVERYTHING HAPPENS IN ITS OWN TIME.
[ BELL DINGS .]
AAH! UGH! WE'RE HERE TO GET A MARRIAGE LICENSE! UH-HUH.
ONE MINUTE.
[ MOUSE CLICKS .]
ARE YOU PLAYING SOLITAIRE? [ SIGHS .]
[ MOUSE CLICKS .]
[ CATS MEOWING.]
I CAN HEAR YOU WATCHING CAT VIDEOS.
[ COMPUTER CHIMES .]
WHAT THE -- THAT'S THE SOUND OF INSTANT MESSENGER! NO, IT'S NOT.
"HASHTAG -- JOB FOR LIFE.
" THEN, "HASHTAG" MAKE "HASHTAG" SURE "HASHTAG" YOU "HASHTAG" STAY ALIVE TO "HASHTAG" ENJOY IT! THAT'S NOT HOW HASHTAGS WORK.
[ SNARLS .]
IT'S THE LINE ON THE LEFT.
GET THIS STAMPED.
WAIT, SHOULDN'T WE BE RUNNING? [ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS .]
AH, THAT'S BETTER.
AAH! IT'S BLOCKED! [ SCREECH! .]
AND THIS GOES NOWHERE! WE'RE LITERALLY CAUGHT IN A LABYRINTH OF RED TAPE! [ GASPS .]
THIS WAY! [ THUD! .]
SORRY, GUYS.
I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.
[ SOLEMN TONES PLAY .]
[ THUNDER RUMBLES .]
Woman: [ Echoing .]
SIR? SIR? SIR, ARE YOU IN LINE? NO.
ACTUALLY, I THINK I'VE BEEN OUT OF LINE MY WHOLE LIFE.
I-I -- [SIGHS.]
I CAN'T DO THIS.
HE'S HAVING A MOMENT OF HUMANITY.
QUICK, LET'S TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HIS WEAKNESS! STAMP THESE! Woman: CONGRATULATIONS, MR.
AND MRS.
WATTERSON.
[ "WEDDING MARCH" PLAYS .]
All: WHOO-HOO! DA, DA, DA-DA, DA-DA-DA DADA Dad: DAD? WAIT! DAD! I WANT YOU TO SIGN THIS.
OH, YOU GOT A RESTRAINING ORDER, HUH? NO -- ADOPTION PAPERS.
I WANT MY DAD BACK.
AAH! AHA! WE ARE FAMILY WE ARE FAMILY NOTHING RHYMES WITH FAMILY NOTHING RHYMES WITH FAMILY All: WE ARE FAMILY NOTHING RHYMES WITH FAMILY [ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS .]
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS .]
[ PEACEFUL MUSIC PLAYS .]
[ SNORING .]
BREAKFAST! [ ALL SCREAM .]
[ SNORING .]
BREAKFAST! [ ALL SCREAM .]
[ SNORING .]
BREAKFA-- MM.
Gumball: [ GROANING .]
SORRY, KIDS.
I DON'T HAVE A SNOOZE BUTTON.
COME ON DOWN, NOW.
[ GROANS .]
[ GROANS .]
[ Sputtering .]
WHY? Louie: BECAUSE, AS YOUR NEW OLD GRANDPA, I WANT TO SPEND SOME QUALITY TIME WITH YOU.
I CALL BEING ASLEEP QUALITY TIME.
AND NO OFFENSE, GRANDPA LOUIE, BUT I DON'T TRUST OLD PEOPLE'S TASTE IN FOOD.
Gumball: [ GASPS, STAMMERS .]
WHAT IS THAT? IT'S HERRING SURPRISE.
WHAT'S THE SURPRISE? BOO.
Louie: COME ON.
IT'LL BE FUN.
NO OFFENSE, BUT WE DON'T TRUST OLD PEOPLE'S TASTE IN FUN, EITHER.
[ GASPS .]
"CRUISE SHIP.
" WHOO-O-O-O-O-O! AW, COME ON.
I EVEN HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU.
NO OFFENSE, GRANDPA LOUIE, BUT WHAT THE? HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO PLAY WITH THIS? LIKE SO.
[ LAUGHING, CLAPPING .]
[SIGHS.]
I GUESS YOU WON'T WANT MY PRESENT THEN.
[ GROANS .]
[ SIGHS .]
OF COURSE, WE DO.
HERE YOU GO, GUYS.
A CHECK FOR BEING MY FAVORITE GRANDKIDS.
WOW.
THANKS.
[ CLAPPING .]
GUMBALL, IT'S A CHECK.
YOU TAKE IT TO THE BANK AND EXCHANGE IT FOR MONEY.
All: YAY! YES! YES! YES! [ GRUNTS .]
[ CREAK! .]
OW! [ CRASH! .]
SORRY.
IT'S OKAY.
A HUG WAS ALL I WANTED.
SPEND THE MONEY WISELY.
HOW MUCH IS IT FOR? Gumball: [ GASPS .]
$5.
YOUR THUMB'S IN THE WAY.
[ GASPS .]
$50! $500? $5,000? OH, $5,000.
WAIT -- $5,000? MAKE IT RAIN! [ LAUGHS .]
MAYBE WE SHOULD GO TO THE BANK AND GET IT CASHED.
NO, LET'S FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO WITH THE MONEY FIRST.
ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING? WE SHOULD SPEND IT ON MAKING THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.
I WAS GONNA SAY [ Singsong voice .]
VEG-A-A-AS! NOW, I FEEL LIKE SOME SORT OF -- I MEAN, YEAH, YOURS IS BETTER.
I WOULD USE THE MONEY TO SET UP A CHARITY.
IT WOULD START OFF SMALL HERE, MY FRIEND.
TAKE IT.
[ GASPS .]
OH, DON'T BE SHY.
EVERYONE NEEDS HUMAN CONTACT.
NO! I-I DON'T! MONEY IS ENOUGH, THANKS.
[ GROANING .]
Darwin: AND THEN, IT WOULD GET BIGGER.
Announcer: FOR JUST 99 CENTS! HOW YOU DOING? FEELING COMFORTABLE? THAT'S FUNNY, 'CAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET AREN'T.
IN FACT, THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE IT REALLY, REALLY BAD.
HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL? ARE YOU PROUD? ARE YOU STILL FEELING GOOD? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! GIVE THEM MONEY! GIVE US MONEY SO WE CAN GIVE IT TO THEM! DO IT NOW! GET OFF YOUR COUCH AND DO IT! DO IT NOW!! [ UPBEAT TUNE PLAYS .]
MY CHARITY WOULD GET BIGGER AND BIGGER, AND IT WOULD BE CALLED THE COALITION OF REALLY, REALLY USEFUL PEOPLE TOGETHER.
FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS -- EXPANDING THE CHARITY SO WE CAN HELP AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE.
SO, HOW MUCH MONEY HAVE WE RAISED? WELL, THE TV CAMPAIGN RAISED OVER $3 MILLION.
HOORAY! SO, AFTER PAYING FOR THE OFFICES, THE MEDIA BUDGET, AND THE SALARIES FOR OUR ADVISORS, WE'RE LEFT WITH $12.
30 TO SPEND ON ACTUAL CHARITABLE DEEDS.
[ CLEARS THROAT .]
OH, SORRY -- $5.
29.
JEFF BOUGHT DOUGHNUTS.
BUT THAT'S NOT ENOUGH.
YES, BUT IF A CHARITY CAN'T TAKE CARE OF ITSELF, IT CAN'T TAKE CARE OF OTHERS.
BUT I JUST WANTED TO HELP PEOPLE.
EXACTLY -- SO WE NEED TO MAKE EVEN MORE MONEY BY DIVERSIFYING INTO OTHER AREAS, SUCH AS TOXIC-WASTE MANAGEMENT.
WE JUST NEED YOU TO SIGN OFF ON THAT.
OKAY.
I DON'T SEE A PROBLEM WITH TOXIC-WASTE MANAGEMENT.
[ DIRE TONE PLAYS .]
[ Echoing .]
UH, DOES ANYONE NEED ANY HELP FROM A CHARITY? MAYBE JUST A HUG? HELLO? [ ALL GROANING, GROWLING .]
[ SCREAMING .]
[ SCREAMING .]
[ SIGHS, CLEARS THROAT .]
I WOULD USE THE MONEY TO MAKE MORE MONEY.
FIRST, I WOULD INVEST IN A PORTFOLIO OF HIGH-RISK SHARES ON THE STOCK EXCHANGE.
WHAT? Gumball: WHAT? [ SIGHS .]
FIRST, I WOULD INVEST IN THINGS, AND WHEN THEY DO WELL, I'D MAKE MONEY.
HUH? WHAT? LISTEN, GREED MINUS MORALS TIMES LACK OF EMPATHY PLUS SLICKED-BACK HAIR EQUALS ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD! OH! OH! ONCE I HAVE ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD, ALL I HAVE TO DO IS -- [ Singsong voice .]
GO TO VEG-A-A-A-AS! NO, I HAVE TO DESTROY IT ALL.
WHAT? WHY? TO BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER.
[ LAUGHS .]
[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS .]
IN MY MONEY-FREE WORLD, YOU WON'T NEED A CAR TO GO TO WORK, BECAUSE YOU WON'T NEED TO WORK TO PAY FOR MATERIAL THINGS.
AAH! Anais: YOU WON'T NEED TO WEAR A SUIT TO PRETEND YOU'RE SOMEONE YOU'RE NOT AAH! [ BOTH GASP .]
BECAUSE EVERYONE WILL BE FREE TO BE ONE WITH NATURE.
[ LAUGHS .]
WHOO-HOO-HOO! WE WON'T EAT MEAT.
WE'LL NEVER FIGHT.
WE'LL BE INCAPABLE OF HURTING ANYTHING EVER AGAIN.
IT WILL BE PARADISE.
LA-LA, LA-LA [ MUSIC STOPS, PEOPLE SCREAMING, BEAR GROWLS .]
[ WOLVES GROWLING .]
OH, YEAH -- PREDATORS.
[ EAGLE SCREECHES .]
AAAAH! [ CLEARS THROAT .]
[ ALL SIGH .]
I WOULD USE THE MONEY TO BUY A NEW SUIT AND TIE TO BECOME PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD! [ New England accent .]
IF YOU VOTE FOR ME, I PROMISE YOU A SEVEN-DAY WEEKEND AND STATE-ISSUED MOBILITY SCOOTERS.
I'LL REPLACE THE WATER SUPPLY WITH SODA AND THE SIDEWALKS WITH CONVEYER BELTS.
AND I'LL MAKE PIZZA DELIVERY THE FOURTH EMERGENCY SERVICE.
Gumball: [ Normal voice .]
THEN, ALL I HAVE TO DO IS PUT IT ON THE INTERNET.
GUMBALL, HAVE YOU SEEN HOW MANY VIDEOS THERE ARE OF FATHEADS ASKING TO BE PRESIDENT? YOU'D JUST BE ANOTHER DROP OF DUMBNESS IN THE ONLINE OCEAN OF IDIOCY.
DO-DO-DO! WAIT TILL YOU SEE MY VIRAL TRUMP CARD.
[ HANDS SQUEAKING "THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER" .]
[ LAUGHS .]
HE GETS MY VOTE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE STANDS FOR, BUT HE SURE GETS MY VOTE.
B-A-A-A-AAH! OKAY, MR.
PRESIDENT.
SO, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WHEN EVERYONE'S SO FAT FROM EATING PIZZA AND NOT WALKING THAT THEY NEED A GRABBING STICK TO GRAB THEIR GRABBING STICK? EVERYONE WILL HAVE ROBOT SERVANTS! Man: WE'VE HAD MORE REPORTS OF ROBOT SERVANTS REFUSING TO OBEY COMMANDS.
THEY SEEM TO HAVE DEVELOPED A WILL OF THEIR OWN AND ARE NOW VIOLENTLY REBELLING AGAINST THEIR OWNERS.
SCIENTISTS ARE BAFFLED BY WHAT PEOPLE ARE NOW CALLING THE ROBOLUTION.
[ FANFARE PLAYS.]
[ OMINOUS TONES PLAY .]
[ STATIC CRACKLES .]
[ New England accent .]
MY FELLOW AMERICANS [ Normal voice .]
I THINK WE ALL KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING, SO LET'S JUST SKIP TO THE END.
[ MUFFLED SCREAM .]
SINCE ALL OUR IDEAS END WITH THE TOTAL DESTRUCTION OF HUMANITY, WHY DON'T WE JUST SPLIT THE MONEY? OKAY.
WHAT'S $5,000 DIVIDED BY 3? WELL, IT DOESN'T DIVIDE EQUALLY.
ONE OF US WILL HAVE TO BE A PENNY SHORT.
NO WAY! [ ALL ARGUING INDISTINCTLY .]
WELL, IT CAN'T BE ME BECAUSE I DESERVE TO BE TREATED MORE EQUALLY THAN EVERYONE ELSE.
IF YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF SHARING THIS MONEY, THEN I'LL TAKE IT AND SPEND IT ON MYSELF TO TEACH YOU A VALUABLE LIFE LESSON.
AAH! LIKE YOUR FATHER SAID, WE NEED THIS MONEY FOR MORE IMPORTANT THINGS.
HEY, YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT! IT'S MINE! NOT IF I GET TO THE BANK FIRST.
[ WHOOSH! .]
HEY! GIVE IT BACK! YOU'RE JUST GOING TO SQUANDER IT ON FOOD AND BILLS AND ALL THE STUFF THAT KEEPS US ALIVE! EXACTLY -- CLUNK -- LIKE GETTING THE CAR FIXED.
ZIP! TCCH! EEECH! VRRRRRM! WHAT THE? HOW DID SHE DO THAT? AND IF SHE CAN DO THAT, WHY DOES SHE NEED THE MONEY TO FIX THE CAR? PHEW! EEK! KUH-KOOM! JUST SHUT IT AND DRIVE! VRRP! CLICK! VUH-VUH-VUH! VRRM! VRRM! E-E-E-E-E-EERCH! NEE-YRRRNG! NEE-YRRRNG! VMMMM! VMM! RMM-BLM-BLM-BLM! WHY ISN'T MY INVISIBLE TRUCK WORKING? OH, YEAH.
KLCH! AAH! [ ALL IMITATING ENGINES REVVING .]
RMMMMMMM! EERK! [ GASPS .]
[ CRUNCH! .]
[ GRUNTS .]
STOP IT! THAT'S RECKLESS DRIVING.
NOT WITHOUT A CAR, IT'S NOT! [ CRUNCH! .]
[ GRUNTS .]
GIVE ME THE CHECK! WE CLEARLY DON'T NEED A CAR! WREEE! [ CRUNCH! .]
GIVE ME THAT! [ GRUNTING .]
[ GASPS .]
VRRRM! [ Slo-mo .]
NO! [ GRUNTS .]
[ SCREAMING .]
OOH! [ GROANS .]
KCCH! DOO-O-O-O.
[ SIGHS .]
Dad: VRRM! PTSCH! [ LAUGHS .]
VRRRRRM! [ SIGHS .]
AAH! EEEEERK! [ SCREAMING .]
[ CRASH! .]
Dad: VRRRRM! [ LAUGHS .]
VRRM! [ MELLOW MUSIC PLAYS .]
VRRM! VRRRRRRM! CHK! VRRRM! VRRRRM! EE-RRN, EE-RRN, EE-RRN, EE-RRN.
UH, WHICH WAY IS THE BANK? TAKE A LEFT AND THE SECOND RIGHT.
THANK YOU! EE-RRN, EE-RRN, EE-RRN, KCH! VRRRM! NEE-YRRRNG! HNNK-HNNNNNK! [ LAUGHS .]
[ SCREAMS .]
VRRM! NEE-YRRRNG! VRRRM! RRRRRNG! [ GASPS .]
KCH! PWSH! EERRRRRK! VUH-VUH-VUH-VUH! NEE-YRRRNG! VUH-VUH-VUH-VUH-VUH! NRRRRNG! [ CRUNCH! SMASH! CRASH! .]
VRRRRRRM! [ GROANS .]
[ GASPS .]
KWCH! EERRRRK! AAH! VRRRRM! VUH-VUH-VUH-VUH! KWCH! EERRRRK! AAH! OHH! DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO VRRM! VRRRRRM! GIVE THE CHECK BACK! HEY! VRRRM! NO, IT'S MINE! [ GASPS .]
All: EERRRRRRK! [ ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY .]
WAIT, WAIT.
BEEP-BEEP! [ ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY .]
HEY, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS! WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? WE'VE BEEN GIVEN $5,000, AND WE CAN'T WORK OUT WHAT TO DO.
$5,000 BETWEEN FIVE OF YOU? WELL, THAT'S $1,000 EACH.
All: YEAH, $1,000 EACH! BRRM-BRRM-BRRM-BRRM! EEK! BRRM-DRRM! PSH! WAIT UP, WAIT UP.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
[ WHEEZES .]
I FORGOT THE DECIMAL POINT.
THERE.
[ SIGHS .]
$50? [ GASPS .]
WAIT.
All: YAY, $10 EACH! [ LAUGHTER .]
[ CREAK! CRASH!.]
OW! [ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS .]