The Awesomes (2013) s02e02 Episode Script

People vs. Perfect Man

We don't have a lot of time.
Our charter requires a minimum of 7 members, or else the government's gonna pull our funding.
We're lucky they're giving us extra time - to find Hotwire's replacement.
- We can never replace Hotwire.
I thought that's what we were doing.
Hotwire's dead.
We need to replace her.
- Shh! Shh! - So we're not picking a new Awesome because Hotwire's dead? - Stop saying "dead.
" - Shh.
Oh, right.
Prock is sad because he was in love with Hotwire, but she died, so now we're replacing the dead Hotwire with a live person because she's dead.
Got it.
When you're confused, it helps to talk things through.
Well, personally, I think any one of these Adonises would be perfect.
Did somebody say "perfect"? - Hey, Perfect Man.
- All right.
- Oh, wow.
Were you just hiding behind a curtain for an hour - waiting for someone to say "perfect"? - I've come to offer my reinstatement as a member of The Awesomes.
I think we could really benefit from having someone like me on the team.
He was waiting behind here for an hour.
Going solo isn't all it's cracked up to be.
You have to do all your own paperwork, and nobody ever restocks the fridge.
And my credit's not so great, so it's hard to get office space.
This is amazing.
You're like my favorite superhero of all time.
Thanks, little guy.
Maybe one day you can be on the team too.
- No way.
Really? - Now, wait a minute.
You don't get to just come back and ride the coattails of our success.
This is our team now.
We rebuilt it from nothing, so don't expect us to just roll out the red You're welcome.
Thank you.
You guys are too much.
Welcome to the team.
Well, if it isn't Joyce Mandrake.
I'm sorry to say you're too late.
We have a new team member, so you don't have to pull our funding.
That's great.
Oh, and also, Perfect Man, - you're under arrest for treason.
- What? This feels awesome This feels awesome Yeah, this feels awesome Now, this feels awesome This feels awesome This feels so awesome Perfect Man, for your association with the known traitor Dr.
Malocchio and your role in his recent government takeover, you are being charged with high treason - against the United States of America.
- You can't be serious.
I was under Dr.
Malocchio's mind control.
My mind was being controlled.
Well, I'm afraid not everyone believes that story.
Let me sort it out with the president.
- Playing golf this weekend.
- I'm sorry, Perfect Man.
The order comes directly from the White House.
There must be some mistake.
We were just out to dinner last night.
Hey, Maury, it's P Man.
So I'm hearing this crazy rumor that you ordered my You did? For treason? You sure? Oh, I get it.
Right.
Well, always a pleasure to talk to you.
Hm.
He's going to need a good lawyer.
- Hey, Prock, aren't you a lawyer? - I do mostly contracts.
Fine.
Injured on the job? Got a deadbeat dad? Did you boss touch your butt? Stop complaining and call me, Jaclyn Stone.
I'll sue their [bleep] off.
That's who we're up against, Jaclyn Stone.
She's the best in the biz.
That's what lawyers call the business.
I don't understand.
How could Maury do this to me? Well, the president's come under a lot of fire since letting the world get taken over by a supervillain.
Malocchio can't answer for his crimes because he's dead.
The country needs to point the finger at someone, - and that someone is you.
- Why can't it be someone else? How about Gadget Gal? She's a menace.
Don't worry, Perfect Man.
I'm a very good lawyer.
But now I need to make you into a good client.
First I'm going to teach you how to connect with the jury.
They and they alone decide your guilt or innocence.
I've prepared these cardboard cutouts Why? If there's no jury, they can't find me guilty.
- They can bring in another jury.
- Another jury? It's like the legal system has thought of everything.
Also, those are cutouts you can just buy in a store.
It took me like a day to make those.
Know what? Never mind.
Let's move on to some practice cross-examination.
Now I'm going to ask you some questions as Ms.
Stone.
Ahem.
Perfect Man, how do you respond to allegations that you had a friendly relationship with Dr.
Malocchio? Well, Ms.
Stone, hm, nice try, but everyone knows I would never trust an Italian.
They have crime in their blood, crime and tomato sauce.
Okay, as a rule, racial stereotypes don't play well with juries.
Right, right.
I mean, um I love Italians.
Some of my best friends are Italian.
Like my good dear Italian friend, uh, Dr.
Malocchio.
- Let's just start over.
- Good call.
There's plenty of races I have much stronger opinions about.
I'll prepare a list in case they ask me.
So you can turn into a bunch of bees? - Pretty cool, huh? - Yeah, it's cool, but we have a lot of people trying out.
There's a pretty high bar.
But I think I'm everything you would want in a hero.
It says in your file that you don't like shellfish.
- No, I'm allergic to shellfish.
- There was an incident at Red Lobster.
You lost control of your powers and stung dozens of people.
Uh, it happened once about 15 years ago.
It's not really a problem anymore.
I just stay away from seafood restaurants.
Wait, you can't get down with some crawdads? - No.
No.
- Lobster tail? - Snow crab legs? - No.
I can't eat any shellfish.
We'll be in touch.
- Oh, hey, Metal Fella.
- Hey.
Hey, uh, I didn't get a chance to thank you the other day - for saving my life.
- Oh, um, no problem.
I really thought you were some kind of evil vigilante, and I'm sorry for misjudging you.
Are we cool? We cool for sure, bro.
"For sure, bro"? Uh, I really got to work on my guy talk.
It's just I've been under a lot of stress lately, ya know, and I haven't been sleeping well.
- Uh-huh.
- And someone I really cared about betrayed me, but then after they tried to make things right they just vanished from my life, and so I have a lot of mixed emotions about that.
Yes, well, I'm sure that if, uh, this person were still around, they would feel really bad about everything and definitely try to win back your trust.
- You think? - Oh, totally.
They'd probably want to talk to you about it too, but, uh, still need some time to figure things out first.
- Huh.
- You know, or that's just one theory.
Who knows? Right, dog? Pound it.
Hey, listen, we're actually looking for a new team member right now.
I don't suppose you'd consider trading in the solo act and joining The Awesomes.
I, uh I'm sorry.
I can't.
Oh, no.
No, it's cool.
You got your own thing going.
I got to get up there, but we'll grab a drink later? Yeah, totally, dude.
Peace out.
"Totally, dude"? "Peace out"? What? Ohh, that was I got to rewatch Swingers or something.
So in your expert opinion as an accomplished psychologist and expert on mind control, you believe the evidence clearly shows Perfect Man was acting of his own accord? - Yes, that's correct.
- No further questions.
Your witness.
Dr.
Johansson, surely like all of us, you saw the events in question on the news and witnessed Perfect Man's glowing red eyes, - a tell-tale sign of mind control? - Yes, but I believe in this case, that was caused by other factors, - such as pinkeye or color contacts.
- Hm, colored contacts.
My client is accused of shooting lasers from his eyes many times during these alleged crimes.
How could so-called colored contacts sustain repeated blasts - from high-powered lasers? - Well, there are several possibilities.
I brought with me today a pair of red contacts.
Perfect Man? They don't fit.
I'm innocent! No.
That's not what I'm trying to show.
Oh, well, you got to tell me this stuff.
I did tell you! Now put in the contacts.
- Everyone stand back.
- Ohh.
Do you not see, Dr.
Johansson, that a single low-powered laser beam has completely disintegrated the contacts in question? - Um - And as for your other explanation, is it not true that pinkeye is caused by adenovirus, which the superhero gene that all superheroes have - grants immunity from? - Yes, that's correct, but And is it not true that you got your diploma not in psychology, but in pie-cology, the study of pies? And due to a typo in your diploma, you've been pretending to be a psychologist ever since? It's true! It's true! I'm a fraud.
But my pies are delightful.
You really must try them.
Your witness.
For my next witness, I would like to call Perfect Man.
Dutch people, the French, obviously, Argentinean, Pacific Islander, Atlantic Islander, which is like Nantucket or Martha's Vineyard, and Asians.
But I have no problem, and I repeat, no problem with Asian girls.
Thank you very much for listing all of the races you're "not sold on," but my question was, please state your name and your occupation.
Oh.
Perfect Man, superhero.
Hm, you don't seem like much of a hero to me.
Well, you obviously don't know me very well then.
Well, I know that.
From what we've heard today, it seems like you don't do pretty much anything unless the big bad Dr.
Malocchio forces you to.
- That is not true! - You're basically just a puppet.
And now that your master is gone, you do what, melt people's ice cream? No, I am very powerful.
Everything I did for Dr.
Malocchio, I did of my own accord.
It was me doing it.
I was responsible for everything.
And scene.
That was a monologue from my client's one man show Perfectly Hilarious, which takes place in a fictional courtroom.
And now that he's done reciting it, we can all resume the trial.
Your honor, we find the defendant guilty.
I think that's supposed to happen later, but sure, why not? Guilty! How could he be such a bad witness? Well, you know, Perfect Man, his pride is his weakness.
The racism is new to me though.
Not that I would know or have dated him or I - You did a great job.
- Thanks, Metal Fella.
Hey, I was thinking about that girl you were telling me about.
- Uh, what was her name? Hotwire? - Yeah? Well, maybe she did really like you, a lot.
Maybe it was hard for her to express because of the cognitive dissonance of having to choose between her father's approval and the love of the man her father was trying to destroy.
And only later, when it was too late, did she truly realize that you were the one for her.
Wow, that's really insightful, actually.
Not anything like the typical advice I usually get from my other guy friends.
Oh, yeah, right.
No, no, no.
I'm totally a guy in the most typical way.
Yeah, what I meant to say was, you got to slam some new chicks.
- You feel me? Pound it.
- Yeah, you're right, but the only girl in here is that prosecutor.
- She's cute though.
- Her? Oh, man, don't waste your time on that.
- Really? - Oh, yeah, talk about way she's reading David Foster Wallace at a bar.
Ugh.
Snoozeville, population, her.
- Am I right? - Heh.
Yeah.
From the lady.
- So, what's the angle? - No angle.
I just thought you should buy someone a drink after you've [bleep] them in the [bleep].
- Wow.
- I will tell you though, it is refreshing to have to try at least a little up there.
Compared to most lawyers I go up against, you're Clarence Darrow.
Of course, compared to me, you're a [bleep] idiot.
Well, if it wasn't for my client, I'm pretty sure I'd be buying you a drink right now.
You know, because you buy someone a drink after you've [bleep] Why am I talking like this? If I tell you a secret, do you promise not to tell? _ _ - Hey, crew.
- Um, hey, Metal Fella.
You dudes getting some brew-ha-has? Yeah, um You want something? No, thanks.
Don't want to drink and fly.
Hey, Metal Fella, weren't you saying there was a heist you needed to stop or something? Actually, it's okay.
I should leave.
- You guys have some guy time.
- No, it's fine.
You can stay.
See you soon, counselor.
Wow.
Come on, man, I was killing it over here.
- Oh, sorry.
I didn't realize - It's okay.
I get it.
You're a loner.
But maybe next time try to pick up on some social cues.
So your power is you can absorb the powers of anyone you can see? Let me show you.
But what if you absorb the powers of a 10-year-old girl? Why would I absorb the powers of a 10-year-old girl? - Next! - Uh, is there anyone coming - that's not completely useless? - Not yet.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, buddy.
- How's the trial going? - Oh, I lost.
- What? - And when were you gonna tell us this? Guys, seriously, I'm fine.
I mean, sometimes you lose, so you deal with it.
I did have a long talk with the prosecutor, and she is - Oh, you're worried about Perfect Man.
- Prock, you said you'd get him off.
- I did my best.
- That's so not fair.
Perfect Man was gonna teach me how to throw a curve ball.
- Ow! What the hell? - It was supposed to curve.
Guys, relax.
He's a first time offender.
He'll probably just get probation.
For being found guilty of treason, Perfect Man was sentenced to Not the Pharmacy Zone! That's right, the Pharmacy Zone, an alternative dimension where criminals too dangerous for prison spend their time waiting in line forever at a pharmacy.
I'm sorry.
I can't find your insurance in our database.
What do you mean? It's a platinum plan.
The Pharmacy Zone is operated by Schuman's Prison Alternatives.
If it's not a prison, it's a Schuman.
Okay, look.
It's awful, and I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do at this point, so Yes, there is.
We can break him out.
- Yeah.
- He's being held at the Maximus Penitentiary until tomorrow, when they do the transfer.
We have 24 hours.
Um, that's illegal.
I mean, I don't want to have to represent all of you next time.
Prock, seriously? You're just gonna let Perfect Man - get sent to the Pharmacy Zone? - He's a team member.
Yeah, for like one second.
Plus, all he has to do is wait in line at the pharmacy.
Who cares? I have to do that every Wednesday to get my asthma medication.
So Perfect Man's life will be like Prock's? - It just keeps getting worse - All right.
We can rescue him.
- All right.
- Oh, good.
- I hope he's okay.
- I'm sure he's fine.
Ow! Hey, Perfect Man.
We heard you don't like Atlantic Islanders.
First things first.
We need to find the blueprints to the prison.
I'll get them tattooed on my back! - Um, okay.
- Wait, Prock, we have to be careful.
Since Perfect Man was on the team, we'll probably be the top suspects.
We need an alibi.
I could take that prosecutor to dinner.
- I think she might be into me.
- Prock's right.
If our team leader is seen with such a high-profile public figure at the time of the break out, they'll never suspect us.
Just make sure she doesn't leave after 20 minutes like all your other dates.
We need at least a half an hour.
I think I can make a date last a half an hour.
Just don't tell the Rhode Island story.
- Oh, it's a great story.
- I haven't heard it.
- No.
- So this one time, I was driving from Massachusetts to New York - Ugh.
- Fine.
I'll tell you later.
So according to the blueprints, Tomorrowland is right next to Frontierland - Frantic, this is a map of Disney World.
- Oh, sorry.
Also Frontierland is nowhere near Tomorrowland.
I'm not going to be there, so you need to follow my plan exactly.
You're dealing with a place designed to hold supervillains.
An alarm will go off anytime you use superpowers anywhere within the walls, which means you have to get into the prison as regular people and visit an unsuspecting inmate.
Let's say our very dear close friend Horticulture.
So, Horticulture, what's going on? - Um, not much.
- How's life, man? So you're my long-lost cousins? - Oh, sure.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was an actual tree fell on that guy.
Oh, hey, Jerry, we were supposed to be in the C block 10 minutes ago.
Well, it's been great catching up with you, Hortie, but we got to go get some, uh, plant food.
And rain water.
And then we saw the sign, "Welcome to Connecticut.
" And just like that, we had left Rhode Island, eh? Well, I can't believe I'm saying this after only 20 minutes, but I think I'm going to get out of here.
No, wait.
Um So this is fun.
Well, enough about me.
How about you? - What do you do for a living? - I'm a lawyer.
Oh, right.
Hey, man, they want you down on level three.
Huh? Okay.
Right on cue.
Okay, all the guards from here to Perfect Man have been reassigned to different sections.
Wow, great work, Concierge.
Do we really need ten guards watching Speed Reader? - I mean, his power is like speed reading.
- Got to respect the schedule.
Guys, you came for me.
- Of course.
You're one of us.
- Thanks, friend.
- Though I'm still going to do this.
- Cut it out! I'm sorry.
Did you say get the other ear? Aw, come on, Muscleman, you know I didn't.
Okay, it's been 26 minutes.
I think that's a record.
I mean, one time, a date lasted three hours, but that's mostly because her car broke down and the guy from AAA kept getting the address wrong.
Best night of my life.
You have a lot of stories - about cars breaking down.
- Um, two stories.
And you try finding a good mechanic in downtown Providence.
Okay, Prock, it's been fun, but you are a boring [bleep], and I never want to see you again.
- Has it been 30 minutes yet? - Twenty-seven.
You know what? Then just go.
I don't want to date someone like you anyway.
If that makes you feel better, go with that.
I'm serious.
You put an innocent man behind bars just to promote your career.
What kind of person would do that? Maybe this is hard for you to understand, since your only superpower seems to be telling the world's most boring story, but people with real superpowers can be dangerous.
- Do you think I don't know that? - He broke the law.
- I dedicate my life to fighting supervillains.
- I bet they're really scared.
" I'm Jaclyn Stone.
I'll sue your [bleep] off the" - That is not what I sound like.
- Jerkhead.
You are the worst person I have ever met! Okay, Muscleman, now.
Powers detected.
- Powers detected.
- Oh - My baby's in jail? - No, it's okay, mama.
We're just illegally helping someone escape.
Okay, then.
What are these, million pound weights? Million pound weights, yeah.
Now I know how Prock feels when he has to move a couch.
Nobody move! Get down on the ground with your hands behind your head.
- This wasn't supposed to happen.
- What's the backup plan? Prock doesn't make backup plans, because he says his plans always work the first time.
- Obviously, I disagree.
- So what? We can take them.
Everybody stay where you are! This is your last warning.
Get down on the ground, or you will be destroyed.
- We got to take them down.
- No, we can't hurt them.
They're innocent.
They're just prison guards.
They're about to shoot us with laser guns.
When do the good guys ever use laser guns? Nobody move a muscle.
Come on, come on On my order.
- I'm going for it.
- Wait! Excuse me.
Am I in the right place? I was told to come to these coordinates for my second interview, which is Uhh! I got a delivery here of thirty pounds of shrimp.
Somebody gonna sign? Help me! Help me! - Oh, no! - No! That was incredible.
- Oh, my God.
- Shut up.
No, it's not.
I'm serious.
Look it up.
The Rhode Island Museum of Stamps.
And I know the curator.
- I'll see you Saturday.
- Oh, uh, hey, guys.
Whew.
Big boy.
Wow, that was close.
But way to go, Prock.
Oh, that? That was just the kind of thing - that happens to me all the time.
- Well, we're very proud of you.
And I owe all of you a debt of gratitude.
- That was some top notch work.
- You should've seen it, Prock.
Concierge had a backup plan to your plan.
- She saved the day.
- It really was perfect.
I can't think of someone with superpowers - who could've done better.
- Well, in that case, let me be the first to welcome the newest official member of The Awesomes - Concierge.
- Perfect Man.
Oh.
Y'all Wow.
I don't know what to say.
Oh, and I made you this.
- I can't believe this.
- Yeah, me either.
I thought your outfit would definitely show more skin.
- What do you think, boss? - I think we got ourselves an awesome new Awesome.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Kudos, Concierge.
- Whoo! Yes! -Ooh, I should get going.
Maury and I have movie night every Tuesday.
- Perfect Man, you can't leave.
- Hm? Right, the treason thing.
You can stay here with us until we clear your name.
Although if you are gonna be here, I'll need you to take - a racial sensitivity training course.
- That's probably a good idea.
And try not to get hypnotized and take over the world again, okay? I think I can manage that.
I mean, it's not like Dr.
Malocchio is still alive, right? I really hope he's not secretly alive.
Imagine that.
What are we laughing about? How am I supposed to know that you're high If you won't let me touch you? How am I supposed to know that you're high If you won't even dance? How am I supposed to know that you're high If you won't even dance? Yeah, you won't even dance