The Awesomes (2013) s02e03 Episode Script

Destination Deading

Wait where am I? Who are you? - Hello, old friend.
- Mr.
Awesome? That's right.
You're with me now.
But how? The last thing I remember is the explosion and then being pulled up to heaven.
Heaven? You? I'm sorry.
You thought you were going to heaven? Okay, I know I wasn't the greatest guy, - but I once did a 5K run for breast cancer.
- You are not in heaven.
One second before the explosion, I came in and grabbed you, saving you from certain death and flying you into space.
But why? Why would you save me? I've spent so many years trying to stop you and your evil ways, but as I watched you take over the world and try to destroy the Awesomes, I realized something.
This is not your fault.
You're right.
My blood sugar was low that day and I I knew you when you were a good person.
A great scientist.
You had no idea that taking that serum would change you and turn you evil.
I believe there's still a good person inside you.
I built this laboratory to find a way to reverse that serum.
And I'm gonna keep working until I figure it out.
Even if it takes me years.
Wait, I may be strapped to this thing for years? Well, I'll let you stretch every few hours in the exercise room in the back.
Aw, that sounds nice.
Hmm.
So, uh how's the weather? It's space.
There's There's no weather.
Ah, right.
- So, uh how are the kids? - Good.
Real good.
No, Junior's an accountant.
Seems happy.
You know, that's all you can hope for.
Hotwire was saved from the explosion by a teleporting alcoholic, so that's good.
You hungry? I can make dinner.
- Sure.
- Do you have any goat cheese and beets? What can you do with beans, grapes, cinnamon and chewing tobacco? I think the question is, what can't I do? This feels awesome This feels awesome Yeah, this feels awesome Now, this feels awesome This feels awesome This feels so awesome So how long is this mission gonna take? I hate being alone.
Oh, this is not a mission, Perfect Man.
Where we're headed is much, much worse.
- We're going to a destination wedding.
- On Catalina Island.
Well, that sounds nice.
You gonna snorkel? No, it's not nice.
It's the worst.
It's like a vacation, but at an inconvenient time, twice as expensive, not where you actually want to go, and instead of having a vacation, you go to a wedding.
And, yes, we're gonna snorkel.
You guys are nuts.
Weddings are the best.
There's free cake, dancing, and you get to see two of your cousins live happily ever after.
- Why are we going again? - We have to go.
- It's Muscleman's sister.
- Oh, Abby's getting married? - Yeah, to an ape.
- Real rough dude, huh? - No, an actual ape.
- Huh? David Apelstein.
He's a chiropractor from Apesylvania, the island nation filled with highly intelligent apes.
I might know him.
Where'd he go to school? Ape Elementary, Ape High School, and then Monkey College.
- Montclair College? - No, Monkey College.
Oh, then I don't know him.
And as terrible as this wedding is for all of us, it's even worse for Prock, since he's in love with the bride.
- I am not in love with the bride.
- Please don't make a big deal about it.
She's already worried it's gonna be awkward - since you guys have a "history.
" - Barely.
We kissed during Spin the Bottle in seventh grade at Crystal Kapluwitz' house.
That does not count.
- She still thinks it does.
- Because she's insane.
I'm just saying, she doesn't want things to be awkward, - so please behave.
- Ugh.
I hate weddings.
Then there's the whole Jacqueline situation.
We haven't been dating that long so it feels weird to bring her, but long enough it feels weird to go alone.
- What should I do? - Prock, do not bring Jacqueline.
Way too early.
It smacks of desperation.
But I like spending time with her.
- All right, all right.
- Plus, Prock, there's gonna be so many hot single girls there, only half of which are apes.
- Why tie yourself down? - Because I have a girlfriend.
Yes, but what happens in C.
I.
stays in C.
I.
Oh, wait.
No, that was before they got sued by Las Vegas.
I'm sorry, Prock.
If you want to cheat on your girlfriend, what happens in C.
I.
is fair game to mention - in all other locations.
- No one calls it C.
I.
- I do.
- Well, sounds like you guys will have a lot of fun.
Skype me if you're bored.
The very expensive cottages we have to stay in - don't have Internet.
- Or hot water.
A lot of fun.
Perfect Man, a quick reminder.
You're a fugitive now, so while we're gone, under no circumstances should you go outside or let anyone else inside.
Sure thing.
Except I'm gonna order pizza.
No, we have plenty of food in the fridge.
There's even some pizza left over from last night.
- But I want breadsticks.
- Perfect Man, you're putting not just yourself at risk.
We could all go to jail if they catch us protecting you.
- Every one of us.
- I get what you're saying, but these breadsticks come with cheese dip.
- Do not order pizza! - Fine.
All right, welcome back to Last Alien Comic Standing.
Now, let's keep things popping with some comedy from a galaxy far, far away.
Aliens and gentlemen, please make some noise for Taylor Williamson.
Hi, guys.
What's the deal with three eyes on your knees, huh? He's funny.
I don't get it.
Who has eyes on their knees? Aliens, Mom.
Aliens have eyes on their knees.
Calm down, Junior.
The doctor said you can't raise your voice for six weeks.
It needs time to heal.
Because the Awesomes destroyed it.
I hate them - Shush.
- Why did they have to do this to me? Look at this.
I'm stuck here in my bed while they're having the time of their life on Catalina Island.
It's nice that Frantic accepted your friend request.
He accepts everybody.
How dare they even think of having fun after what they did to me.
I will not let them win.
- I will avenge my throat.
- And your father and your sister.
Yes, them too.
But my throat really hurts right now.
Wait a second.
I think I know that ape.
He went to Monkey College! That's it.
I will have my vengeance! - Ow, ow, ow, ow.
- Hot water, Junior? This time with honey.
Paradise! - Ugh.
I'm sweating.
- Take off your shirt.
It feels good.
I can't.
My weird rash came back.
I can't either.
I forgot to wear a bra.
- On purpose.
- Who are you winking at? No one.
It's just out of habit.
- That time was at you.
- Ugh.
Why did they choose this place? It's all the way across the island from the reception.
And the formatting on this invitation is all wrong.
They should've had you plan the wedding.
Always the guest.
Never the planner.
Wait, this says children discouraged.
I'm discouraged? Why didn't you tell me? You don't count.
You're a superhero.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
Whoo-hoo! Look at this bag of free stuff.
Free Advil, free fun-size M&M's, more free Advil.
Wow, this is like Christmas, y'all.
Frantic, it's not free.
This place costs $800 a night.
Plus 6000 on fuel for the jet.
Which, by the way, if you guys could chip in.
I put everything on my Amex.
No.
You can't put a price on bliss, man.
Or Advil.
Now, who wants to jump in a wave? Aww.
I'm guessing you're on the groom's side.
I'm Abby's brother.
Elliot Levy Apelstein.
David's uncle and proud ape.
I see that despite the invitation's instructions, you brought a child to our wedding.
I don't need to go.
It's okay.
I'll stay in the cottage.
No, you will come as an example.
So everyone can see how rude and ignorant you people really are.
Um, you people? - Yeah, Homos.
- Hey, man.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I meant Homo Sapiens.
But I can see how you took it.
That was terrible.
Gay, straight, it doesn't matter to me.
I say let people live their lives.
- Cool.
- Now, where was I? Oh, right.
You Homo Sapiens disgust me.
So I'll put all the rooms on this card, okay? Damn it! No one else gave you a card? He gave me an Uno card.
Wild draw four, pretty sweet.
Everything is free! - Let's order room service.
- No, no, no! Okay.
This should finally give me some time to catch up on my to do list.
Order two pizzas and get a third one for half price.
You'll have to do better than that, temptation.
With free breadsticks! Yes, I'd like to order 10 pizzas.
And do you have the cheese breadsticks? Okay, regular's fine.
Lemonade? Oh, man.
I bet they have iced tea too.
They do! Hey, let's go say hi to my sis and wish her luck.
She probably doesn't want to be bothered.
No, she'll be so excited.
It's just for a second.
Come on.
Hey, sis.
- Are you ready or what? - I can hardly wait.
- You look amazing.
- Oh, stop.
I'm so proud of you.
It's gonna be a great day.
- And he's a great ape.
- You're next.
I don't know about that.
- I'm not really ready to settle down.
- Well, I think she is.
Huh.
Can't say there aren't six or seven things I dig about that.
Can I just say thank you for all the Advil? I cannot tell you how much I'm looking forward to my next headache.
And congratulations on your impending nuptials.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
We're all so happy for you.
Oh, please.
Don't pretend to be happy for me, Prock.
- But I am.
I have a girlfriend now.
- Yet where is she? This is really inappropriate, and you need to stop this immediately.
Just please don't make this more awkward than it already is.
- You played Spin the Bottle with her? - I played with a lot of people.
She's just the one the bottle landed on.
That's when you gotta go with Smash the Bottle.
We're ready to begin.
And why's he still here? You told me I should come.
To be an example of how terrible we are.
Oh, there'll be an example made today.
An example time will not soon forget.
That uncle is weird.
- Hey, Prock.
- Hey, just checking in.
- Everything good? - Yeah, I just I miss you, - that's all.
- Aw, I miss you more, cutie.
Ugh.
I'm going to be sick.
- So how was the wedding? - Terrible.
You're not flirting with any cute bridesmaids, are you? Ha.
Of course not.
- You know, I dated an ape once.
- Really? Yeah.
I met him sophomore year.
We had an away game at Monkey College.
But it fell apart because I'm allergic to bananas.
Oh.
Well, I wish you were here, but you're not missing much.
Catalina Island is the worst.
I hope I never, ever, ever have to come here again.
- Huh.
I've always wanted to go.
- We should go sometime! Pizza! Hey, I'm Tony, with Pizza Pizza Pizza Pizza Pizza.
Pizza Pizza merged with Pizza Pizza Pizza.
Well, nice to meet you, Tony.
- I'm Perm Man.
Perm Man.
- Uh, Perm Man? Yes.
My power is I have a perm.
- How is that a power? - It just is.
Hey, why are you covering your face with your hands? Ow! Hm.
Hm.
- Ow! Son of a - You forgot the mushrooms! Well, at least they have mojitos.
Finally something good at this wedding.
What is a child doing here? We could've brought the twins.
Hey, I know you! You're that superhero.
This always happens when I go to public events.
- Little Boy Man.
- What? Yeah, you got the body of a little boy and brain of a man.
You're like my favorite hero.
Can I please get a picture with you? Oh, uh, actually, I'm not him.
I'm, uh Yeah, he's the Weak Weakling.
His one weakness is everything.
No, that's not right either.
I have met him though.
He's very nice.
Really weak handshake.
But, actually, my name is Oh, don't tell me.
It's on the tip of my tongue.
Uh, Captain Loser? No, uh, Sergeant Loser.
- Uh, Disappointment Man? - Guys, I think the wedding is starting, so we should probably stop talking.
"Oh, I'm Disappointment Man, I'm too good to talk to my fans.
" Why were those apes making you feel so bad about yourself? Because that's what happens at weddings.
Here's the bill for your mojitos.
- On the Amex? - What? Yeah, apes don't have open bars.
It's about time.
It was supposed to start an hour ago.
- Oh, my dad still maintains his lats.
- Prock, get over me already.
- What? - Stop staring.
It's your wedding.
Everyone is staring.
Do not try to break up this wedding and ask me to marry you.
And kiss me.
Don't kiss me.
I wasn't going to.
At all.
Do not kiss me right now and take me away forever - for a lifetime of happiness.
- Go get married, sis.
Hello to everyone here on the wonderful island - that is Catalina.
- Woop, woop! C.
I.
! Today we have gathered together to celebrate the marriage of the beautiful Abby and the amazing chiropractor, David Apelstein.
Till death do you part or in about two minutes.
- Were you talking to me? - What? No.
Okay, well, either way your foot is pushing against my seat.
It's not his fault.
They put the seats too close together.
Idiots.
I'm so bored.
Hi, I'm Prock.
I'm the leader.
And I'm so skinny that the only people who can fit into my suit are anorexic tweens.
Ty Cobb, Winston Churchill, F.
Scott Fitz-something.
Um Orson Wellington.
When I'm Tim, no one like me.
When I'm Sumo, everyone does.
But it's not 'cause I'm big, it's because for once in my life I stop talking.
God, I hate that guy.
You have given and pledged your promises to each other and have declared your everlasting love by exchanging the rings.
Even though the ring was too small for David.
- I'm an ape.
Go figure.
- Oh, Dave.
If you weren't my nephew, I'd kill you right now instead of in two minutes.
Now, if there's anyone here who does not believe that this wonderful couple should spend an eternity together, speak up now or forever hold your peace.
Before our ape God and this community of friends, - I know pronounce you ape - Wait.
Did I miss the part where you get to object? Damn it.
I guess it's okay.
You were pretty close.
Whoa, it's just like in the movies! Do you think he's in love with her? - He's the uncle.
- You mean they're not cousins? Gross.
Every ape born and bred in Apesylvania knows that this wedding today means one thing.
That the humans and the apes will form an alliance - and start to integrate.
- What is he doing? He's just trying to get attention.
It will be fine.
And while this is very modern and cutting edge, it is never gonna happen! Help! Prock! Stop thinking about kissing me and do something! Ugh.
Damn.
Where's my mommy? I miss my mommy.
Someone conjure up my mommy.
- We gotta act now.
- I know.
I'm thinking.
- Nice knowing ya.
- Stop.
Okay.
I have to save Muscleman's sister.
Although if she's not around, that would make this trip less stressful.
Why does she still think I like her? I mean, I have a girlfriend.
Huh.
Feels weird to say that.
Feels good to say that.
I actually have a girlfriend.
Okay, while I'm stopping time I should probably do something to help.
- Start.
- What the? - Hm? - Hm? - Mhm.
- Don't eat.
Attack them! - Aw, even the little kid? - Especially the little kid.
Children discouraged.
Then I guess I'll have to grow up.
- God, I love bananas.
- I know.
I am such an ape, right? Whoo! I'm Godzilla.
Gonna take out all you little King Kongs.
Concierge, help! Oh, right, I'm a superhero now.
Totally forgot.
Sorry.
Who else wants some? Prock, kiss me! I-I mean, help me! - We all go out together.
- Not on my watch.
Surf's up! What's better than a wedding? Seriously.
Hashtag C.
I.
Abby.
Abby! She's not breathing.
Mouth to mouth isn't cheating, right? - No! - Got it.
Because I have a girlfriend.
We know.
Ugh.
No, no.
No.
Stop.
- Not what I'm trying to do.
- It's like seventh grade all over again.
So just so we're clear, I did not kiss Muscleman's sister.
- Whatever.
- Okay, good.
'Cause I do not need Jacqueline finding out.
I want her to be able to trust me.
And Muscleman's sister is sooo not my type.
You know I'm on this jet, right? - Now I do.
- I'm here too.
Oh, hi.
Such a beautiful wedding.
Mmm.
We had a deal.
You were supposed to destroy them.
Hey, I tried.
Those laser guns you gave me were defective.
- They turned into bananas.
- No! - You were outsmarted.
- Impossible.
No human could ever be smarter than an ape.
They got lucky this time, but I'll make sure we get them.
No one hates these guys more than me.
You coming, Junior? Mother, I'm doing important villain business.
You're crazy.
Monkeys can't talk.
Not a monkey.
He's an ape! Watch your voice, baby.
Don't yell.
- I'm not yelling! - More hot water, sir? - That'll be $18.
- I wanna go snorkeling.
I hate Catalina Island! I'll put it on that black magician's Amex.
This is not good.
My kid is in trouble.
And my kid is getting in more trouble.
- Ugh, parenting.
- Pff.
Tell me about it.
Do you like your dinner? Amazing.
I can't even taste the chewing tobacco.
Of course not.
It's just supposed to bring out the flavor.
How am I supposed to know that you're high If you won't let me touch you? How am I supposed to know that you're high If you won't even dance? How am I supposed to know that you're high If you won't even dance? Yeah, you won't even dance