The Awesomes (2013) s02e07 Episode Script

Secret Santa

So how much do we wanna spend on Secret Santas this year? And please remember, I can't leave the mountain, so my gift will most likely be forks from the kitchen.
- I'm more of a spoon guy.
- Don't get greedy.
Sorry, Perfect Man, but Prock doesn't allow - Christmas activities in the workplace.
- Or even a tree.
Yes, because it's a distraction.
We have important work to do here.
Yeah, when Prock was a kid, his dad ruined Christmas for him, so now Prock has to ruin it for everyone else.
- What's going on in here? - I'm getting into the Christmas spirit! I added an extra big chimney so Santa has easy access.
Look, Jeremy, Santa is not someone I want you to look up to.
As an Awesome, you need to work for what you get.
You can't just rely on a fat guy breaking into your home to leave you gifts and take your cookies.
But me and all my friends love him.
And you know what they'd love even more? The truth.
Hey, guys, guess what! Santa's not real! That is the saddest thing I've ever heard.
- Who doesn't like Santa? - Wait, I think I was there that night.
- Ah, holiday memories.
- So anyways, that's why I hate Christmas.
We still get a 10-day winter vacation, right? If it were up to me, no.
But it's in the charter, so unless there's an emergency, I guess I have to let you go.
Yay for Christmas! I for one, support you, Prock, for defending my faith against the dominant Christian culture.
It's nice to finally see someone standing up for my people's fight against the Maccabees.
- You're a Seleucid? - No.
My grandfather changed his name to Muscleman - from Muscle Manheimer.
- I think I knew your grandfather You slept with a shiksa? You're banished from our family! Your grandfather had a strong tongue.
- Gross.
- Strong other muscles too.
- A penis is not a muscle.
- It's not? Okay, just tongue then.
This feels awesome This feels awesome Yeah, this feels awesome Now, this feels awesome This feels awesome This feels so awesome So, what are your plans for the holidays? Oh, yeah, I don't do the holidays.
- That doesn't sound like much fun.
- It's actually more fun than you think.
Everyone else goes away and it's just me.
It's so peaceful.
Last year, I read Don Henley's autobiography at an empty Starbucks.
Well, I think you might change your mind if you come home with me to Albany.
- My parents do an amazing Christmas.
- I'm sorry Jaclyn, I just Come on Prock, seriously? What the [bleep]? It would mean a lot to me - and our relationship.
- Okay, fine.
But it's not because of Christmas, it's because of us.
- You're gonna have a great time.
- I'll book a flight.
Ooh, maybe we could take the Awesomes jet.
Uh, and use a business jet for personal reasons? God, you're so ethical.
I love it! Okay, my 6 A.
flight is still available and it's only gone up $200 since I bought it.
I know, 6 A.
But my dad likes to get to the airport early, - so I always fly in on the first flight.
- Sure, that sounds great.
Oh, man! How did it go up $50 right as I clicked on it? Don't stress.
My family's worth it.
I know.
I can't wait to meet them.
Hey, everyone, just so you know, I'm going to Albany with Jaclyn for the holidays.
Sweet! I'll start packing! I've been dying to meet Andrew Cuomo.
- You're not invited, Frantic.
It's just me! - I'm jealous.
Making love in a childhood bedroom is so wrong, but so right.
And this just in: A string of robberies at gun stores all along the coast has authorities puzzled.
- What? - Who are these children? Why do they need these guns? And where are their parents? Put every weapon you have into that bag and no one gets hurt.
Put down your weapon! Oh, no! It's that sensitive robot! - Everyone, scram! - Let's get out of here! - You're safe now, ma'am.
- Thank you, Super Robot.
Don't worry, babies.
No one will ever take me away from you.
- Now let's go buy some toys.
- Yay! Love you, Mom! Oh, honey.
- I love the egg pancake.
- It's not a pancake, it's a quiche.
- Can you pass the syrup? - Not a pancake.
- Is there a Christmas ham or anything? - No.
The only ham we have is in the mushroom pancake I mean, quiche! Damn it.
There's a braised ham in the quiche.
Why do all our meals have to be so weird? They're not weird.
They're sophisticated.
And the fact that you eat them makes you smarter.
No, it makes me hungrier.
I want ham! I want ham! Here, sis, I took out all the ham from my quiche.
- Aw, thanks, Giusepps.
- Mm.
Now, who's ready for quinoa ala mode, with almond cocoa kale butter and fig paste? And now the country is asking, "Who will find these kids?" - We should really do something.
- But our vacation starts tomorrow! Yeah, isn't this something the police should handle? Look, I don't want to work on our holiday either.
Jaclyn will kill me if I cancel.
But little kids don't just rob a bunch of gun stores.
Clearly, they're being led by some villain, and it's our job to find them.
Although, I guess there's not much we can do now that we couldn't do after Christmas.
I mean, it's not like we have a map of where the kids - are gonna strike next.
- Hey, guys, I found a map of where these kids will strike next.
We have a door.
We should probably change our flight, Prock.
- Luckily, my ticket's refundable.
- But we leave tomorrow! I know, but this is important Awesomes business.
I don't have a choice.
My parents are gonna be so [bleep] pissed! Hi, I'd like to change my flight, and Oh.
Domestic! Domestic! Operator.
- Everything okay, Prock? - Not really.
I was supposed to be spending the holiday - with Jaclyn's family - But you broke up? No, not at all.
In fact, our relationship is really heating up.
But I need to reschedule for work, and now she's really mad, the airline wants to charge me a $200 change fee - You didn't get refundable ticket? - Who gets those? I don't know, I don't even fly commercial.
I have a rocket suit.
Wait, is there any chance you could fly me? You want me fly you to her childhood home so you can meet her parents? What? I am sorry, Prock.
I just have been emotional, because Christmas makes me think about my brother, and how much fun we had together as kids.
But then he did something really bad.
And I want to see him this holiday, but I don't think I can.
Listen, I don't know what your brother did, but he's still your brother, and this is the season of forgiveness.
I mena, personally, I hate everything about Christmas, but I do know that nothing is more important than family.
Or at least that's why Jaclyn thinks I should pay $1400 to fly 300 miles.
- You're right.
Thanks, Prock.
- Hey, Metal Fella, I've been craving some wings.
Do you mind flying me over to Buffalo real quick? Yeah, no problem.
We have a door! - Any progress? - I've been putting together a list of possible villains who could be behind this.
These blinking lights are villains most likely to work with children.
For example: The Ump.
The Umpire has used kids in the past to embezzle little league money.
But when I cross reference these villains with the villains not on vacation for the Christmas holiday, no one is available.
But you know who is available? Our new six-foot tall Santa statue! Get that monster out of my house! Hey, man, I get that you feel oppressed, but don't blame it on Santa.
He's not the bad guy.
We brought you more weapons, sir.
Ho! Ho! Ho! No Christmas trees in the satellite! Okay, fine.
But as long as we do presents.
- What do you want this year? - I don't know if I really need anything.
But what do you want in your deepest, darkest fantasy? Amazon gift card! Okay, according to this map, these kids are going to rob Fish and Tackle tonight.
Tim, since you're a kid, you can infiltrate the gang, - and find out who their leader is.
- I'm 11.
I'm not a little kid.
Yeah, but you're Asian.
That makes you look younger.
- Okay, that's racist.
- Hey, everyone knows the saying: black don't crack, white is tight and Asians look younger.
- I've never heard the last one before.
- Or the second one.
Well, it's usually "white is terrible," but I didn't want to offend you guys.
Tim, to help disguise yourself, use a British accent.
That's a terrible idea.
That's a jolly good idea, and you knows it.
Everyone, hide! Tim, good luck.
Move fast! We have three minutes! Hey guys, I think what you're doing is really cool.
- C-Can I help you? - Sorry, you're a little too old for our gang.
- What? I'm, like, 6.
- How about that kid? Yeah, he's definitely younger than 8 based on how small and weak his body looks.
Hey, kid, come here! - Um, me? - Yeah.
Wanna join our army? That sounds like fun.
Should've been me.
Black don't crack.
Yes! That's how you do it.
Wow, you're so smart and so good - at skee-ball for a 6-year-old.
- Thanks.
- What are you doing tomorrow? - Oh, no plans, really.
Why? I want to take you to our leader.
Oh, cool.
Is there any way we can go tonight? - No way.
It's too far.
- Domestic.
Domestic! Operator! Operator! Chumbawamba is for real like the next Beatles! - Katherine, it's Jason.
- Ooh! Your boyfriend! Shut up, doofus.
Hey, babe, what's happening? What? Why? But we were going to the Winter Wonderland Dance tonight! He broke up with me! Oh, no.
I'm sorry, sis.
But know what? You're way better than stupid Jason Averal.
And we're about to do something way more fun than a dumb winter dance: we're going to a Chumbawamba concert! Aw, you didn't have to do that.
Of course I did.
I'm your brother.
You know, he made one mistake.
And Prock's right, he's my brother.
I bet he feels really bad and he's back to being the good guy he always was.
I'm starting to get worried.
We haven't heard from Prock.
I'm sure he's fine.
Once we pick our Secret Santas and I finish putting up stockings, I'll send him a text.
Oh, my God.
What is this, 1939 Poland? Not one Hanukkah decoration? - Yes, there is.
- Shalom! Guys, I found a villain who I missed in my search before.
He didn't show up because he hasn't been active for over 80 years, but he looks like someone who could be very appealing to children.
Mama?! It's Santa Claus.
I mean, Santa's not his actual name.
He went by Animal Control.
But he was last seen 60 miles from the North Pole.
And his power is to control the minds of animals and make them fly.
- Oh, like reindeer! - And to a lesser extent, he can weakly control the minds of humans.
Which, I'm guessing, he used to get parents to give gifts to their children but say they were from him, so the children would come to love him more than anything and be willing to pledge their absolute loyalty 80 years later when he finally brought them together into an army! - That actually makes sense.
- And this totally explains why Mr.
Awesome never let Prock believe in Santa.
Because Mr.
Awesome is immune to mind control.
You guys are crazy.
There is no way that Santa's evil.
- Password? - Warm cookies for breakfast.
Prock, meet our leader.
- Santa Claus? - That's right, little baby boy.
What's your name, tiny child? - Jeremy.
- Aw, you're so cute.
How old are you? Four? - No, he's 6.
- Poor baby.
You must be malnourished.
Let's get this boy some candy and soda! Wow, thank you, Santa.
This is amazing.
Shut him up! Anyways, welcome to the North Pole, son, where all your dreams come true and the only dick is Rudolph.
You've really outdone yourself tonight, Malocchio.
Well, it is the holidays.
I had to do something nice.
A gift? I told you I don't like to celebrate.
- Open it.
- Fine.
There's nothing here.
That was my evil plan all along.
- That was terrible.
- Sorry.
I'm just running out of evil things to do.
You will never guess who the villain is.
- Santa.
- Not Santa! - Oh.
- We figured it out last night.
Well, I'm here at his workshop.
If you hurry, we can stop Santa - in time for me to make the 3:00 flight.
- You want us to kill Santa? What kind of monster have you become? No, come on.
This is not the Santa you know and love.
- He's a deadly villain.
- Prock, you may be right.
But since he's Santa, we need to be absolutely sure.
Let's just gather a little more intel before - making such a rash decision.
- Ugh.
We really didn't have to get here so early.
You know how crazy traffic gets after 4.
Man, he's delayed again! Honey, you know I don't like that language.
Well, [bleep] you, Dad! Hey, Jeremy, how awesome is this? Santa thinks of everything.
There's even a DIY gingerbread house-building station in the corner.
- O.
! - Wow, Jeremy.
That's the best gingerbread house I've ever seen.
- And I know gingerbread houses.
- Thanks, Santa.
- Eggnog? - No, thanks.
Listen, Jeremy, I've been watching you.
You have been very naughty and I think that's nice! And you're smart! And if you didn't have such a laughably weak body, I'd almost think you were an adult.
- Oh.
Thanks, Santa.
- I don't know if Dennis told you, but I'm planning something big tonight.
And I want you to be at my side.
- As my lieutenant.
- Oh, wow.
So does this plan involve anything, uh, evil? Come on, Jeremy.
I mena, would someone evil provide children with all the joy and happiness in the world? Huh, maybe Santa isn't such a bad guy after all.
- Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! - Yeah, he's a bad guy.
How good is this? It's like chocolate, but you drink it.
- And instead of regular, it's warm.
- Yeah, Mom, it's hot chocolate.
Oh, open your gift.
You will love it.
- Oh, a Chumbawamba T-shirt.
Thanks - Your favorite band! Some people's music tastes change over time.
Not mine.
I still only listen to my first favorite song, "Twinkle Star.
" Uh, that's weird, but it is really nice spending Christmas with you.
Now let's talk about the best present of all.
In six to eight weeks, my throat will be healed and I will have regained my powers.
I've come up with a new plan.
Even more terrible and devastating than anything I've thought of yet! Aren't you gonna open your other gift? It's Chumbawamba sweat pants.
Looks like Prock was right.
Let's move! No, let's gather more intel first.
I'm still skeptical.
- Yeah, I agree with Frantic.
- I thought you hated Santa.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Let's murder that fat piece of garbage! Guys, I have very important news.
Santa's destroying the world.
Why can't I ever surprise anyone with news? Yeah, Santa's taking over the world.
So can you guys stop him? I gotta get to the airport.
Stay where you are and don't blow your cover.
We're using your satellite phone as a tracking device.
Hey, you have a flying sleigh.
When this is over, could you maybe swing by Albany? The closest I can get you is Hartford.
Domestic! Oh, my God, he's delayed again? I don't know about this guy, honey.
We've been to the airport three times.
No, Dad, you gotta trust me.
Prock's great.
Santa continues his worldwide rampage.
And officials have discovered a new clue.
Photos of what appears to be a very frail accomplice.
Merry [bleep]in' Christmas to me! Santa, we've got London.
England, China, Germany, South Africa.
It's all falling into What the? Who are they? That is the greatest superhero team in the world, the Awesomes.
And also, this whole time, I have actually been a 33-year-old man.
Thirty-year-old man! Oh, wait, you're serious? Jeremy, you traitor! My gingerbread house! I made the chimney extra big for you! Stop! Okay, so Santa only has one reindeer left, and one laser gun, so he won't last much longer against the whole team.
Then we just need to make him tell all the kids to stand down.
That should give me like an hour and 10 minutes to get to my flight.
I just don't know if that's enough time with security.
And I gotta take my laptop out of the bag, and my prescription face lotions, my prescription hand lotions, my prescription back cream.
You know what? This is silly, I'll just take the Awesomes jet.
Ho, ho, ho, ho! - Get off my sled! - It's too late, Santa.
Yeah! Stop being so anti-Semitic and let us kill you! Never! Rise up, my children.
Rise up and destroy them all! Look at the cute - We're adults.
We can't hurt kids.
- On it! Okay, you dirty Maccabee! Time to meet Stalin! - Huh? - Nothing.
He has some facts wrong.
- The point is, you're done.
- Never! Nooo Thanks, buddy.
I owe you some of my Jewish gelt.
- Jewish guilt? - "Gelt.
" Jewish gelt.
Faster, Rudolph! Why are you such a dick? Hey! Who's the dick now, you fat [bleep]? You! You're still the dick! Achoo! I'm allergic to feathers! Sorry you had to see that, Frantic.
It's okay.
That isn't really Santa.
- He's just a villain.
- That's a very mature way to see it.
Yeah, the real Santa's still out there somewhere, - I know it.
- Hm.
It's over.
All that's left is for you to tell - all your kids to surrender.
- Never! Or we're taking you to Midnight Mass.
Oh, well, then I'll do it.
I don't have an hour for that.
Attention, all kids, stand down! Put down your weapons and go home to your parents.
Okay, I better get to the airport.
You guys got this? Tonight, the Children's War ended peacefully as all the children dropped their guns and went home in time to have Christmas with their families.
However, the day took a dark turn when Santa Claus, the beloved hero of children and adults alike, was killed by this man, ruining Christmas forever for everyone.
When you meet him, he's really great.
Come on, come on.
Oh, I made it.
Attention, everyone, our flight has been delayed by three hours.
- So great to meet you, Mr.
I'm - You bastard! You killed Santa! - Sir, the thing is - I'm just messin' with you.
I'm glad the fat slob's dead.
I'm very conservative, and I've always felt like Santa took the religion out of the holiday.
- So personally, I think you're a hero! - Thanks.
What? What are you guys doing here? Now you guys can all celebrate Christmas together.
Well, it's great to see you.
How did you get here so fast? We took Uber.
It was $40.
Can you believe that? - I'm alive! - Well, kind of.
I know you didn't accomplish your goal of taking over the world, but you're with us now.
And I promise you, together, we will accomplish something much bigger and more evil than you could've ever imagined! - Rudolph, you came for me.
- Of course, Real Santa.
Ho! Ho! Ho! This doesn't change anything.
You're still a dick.
How am I supposed to know that you're high If you won't let me touch you? How am I supposed to know that you're high If you won't even dance? How am I supposed to know that you're high If you won't even dance? Yeah, you won't even dance