The Life and Movies of Erşan Kuneri (2022) s01e07 Episode Script


1 A NETFLIX SERIES PREVIOUSLY ON ERŞAN KUNERİ Erman, go to Earth and get married there.
Okay, Father.
- Where's that circus monkey? - Do you have to be like this all the time? Oh, come on.
Drop the diligent reporter act.
A superhero isn't believable in this era.
But the people love him.
All I want is a series of interviews with this macaque to publish over a few weeks.
That's all.
The man can fly, Eray.
Don't be silly.
Actually, you're the one flying high.
I'm going out.
Erman, make sure you say "serving the people.
" Don't forget.
- Okay, brother.
- Go on, then.
There you go.
Testing, one, two.
First of all, I'd like to welcome you all.
Well, I aim to live side by side with you on Earth, stay here, and serve the people, of course.
First of all, I'd like to settle here, and start my own family.
My ass.
There are many great people in this world.
The idea of meeting them is really exciting for me, obviously.
So, that's why - What's going on? - I think I'll settle here.
Be quiet! Is that right? Not right, it's left.
He's a funny guy.
I like him.
Look, if he was my brother-in-law, I'd be on top of the world.
- Listen to him, listen.
- If it was my turn, I'd marry him now.
I'd ask him to fly me.
Fly me! No way, he's a nutjob.
I don't like blonde dicks.
You have him.
Why do you say that, sis? I think he's cute.
Just be quiet! I can't hear him! Good God! You aren't the last women on Earth.
- A lifelong companion - I'd make him crazy for me.
- But I don't like blondes.
- to have kids with.
Let's just say I'm looking for a companion to grow old together with.
We'll see.
Me too, brother-in-law! If you find one, send her my way too! Maybe I should marry this guy.
Well, if we have to sign up or something, I'd go and do it now! I'd ask the universe if I wanted to.
He would be at my beck and call.
Don't get me started while our older brother here.
Come on.
Let's push him for the series of interviews.
- Excuse me.
- Erman.
Greetings, copper man.
I'm Eray Kozlu.
I'm the owner of the Gündemci.
Can I offer you lunch? I loved what you said about the ozone hole.
Thank you, Lale.
Will you marry me? Whoa! Hold your horses! We've been a couple for three years.
Know your place.
Is it true? You are shameless! This isn't outer space.
This is a civilized planet.
Behave, or I'll break your bones.
- Eray! - What? Hey, watch your words, or I'll fuck you up.
Oh, really? Show me, then.
- Let's see if you can.
- I'll rip you in half.
Put it down, or I'll shove it up your ass.
- Please! No, shut up.
- How rude! - Erman.
- It's okay.
Forgive me, Lale.
Watch your words, or I'll smash right through you.
- Asshole! - Whoa! I'll burn you.
- I'll destroy you! - It burns! The world press is here.
This is disgraceful.
- Vulgar! Blackguard! - Okay, easy.
Lale, I'd burn the world to the ground for you, this town included.
- What do you say to my proposal? - You should be ashamed.
It was his fault.
- I'll take you down with a headline! - Quiet! - Hey - He's a superhero, are you crazy? Where's that confidence coming from, huh? - Erman! - Okay.
- Erman, the Keban Dam! - We're having a conversation here.
Don't worry, we'll take care of it.
So what do you say? You should be ashamed, Erman.
Shame on you! Erman.
- Is that really her boyfriend? - How would I know? KEBAN DAM PROBLEM SOLVED ULTRAFAST REPAIR Well done, Erman.
You stopped a great disaster from happening.
- Feramuz, those fries are for us.
- Thanks.
- Enjoy.
- Thanks.
"Erman amazes all.
" "Erman saves the dam.
" Gündemci.
"Erman drank all the water in the dam, leaving nothing behind.
" Those bastards! Erman, you How can you even eat and drink this much? I need to take in 30,000 calories a day.
Son, you would make a man go broke.
I sent a letter to Internal Affairs.
They agreed to fund you.
Do you have a place to stay? I need to go back to my planet and tell my dad that Lale is a done deal.
So, is that what you've decided? You need to be sure that it's meant to be.
Don't rush into things.
I love her.
Besides, I checked out a few places, and I already found a good one.
Where is it? Just across Üsküdar, right in front of you when you're in Salacak.
- Right in the middle of the Bosphorus.
- That's the Maiden's Tower.
- Is it bad? - No.
In fact, it's too good.
- Are you gonna live there all year? - Yes.
So you wanna take the girl away.
Take the girl away? - I hope so.
- There you go.
Lale! This world is a better place with you! My Lale! You weirdo! Stop shouting, prick! Shut up! Get the fuck out! I love her! Lale! I love you, Lale! Wait for me! I love you! If you ever put that guy and me in the same room, I will erase you both out of existence.
How can you be so shallow about something which interests the whole world? How could I ever know that Erman would fall in love with me? Really? So it's perfectly normal to ask him questions flirtatiously, huh? You're disgusting.
You make me sick.
That's jealousy talking.
Forgive me.
Come here, Lale.
See it from my perspective.
I'm up against a muscular man with a cape and tights.
Think about my pride and how much I might be hurt.
I would love to be your hero.
What is it with you and muscular men in capes and tights? Don't be silly.
How's that even a problem? I don't know.
You'd know better.
He's a muscular man in tights.
I don't know.
Your subconscious is playing tricks on you, Eray.
Be careful.
And you never bothered to ask me how I feel about Erman.
Is that so? Tell me, then.
Do you love him? I do.
I love him, Eray.
Lies! You're lying.
Daddy! I'm back, Father.
How have you been? Word from Earth is that you've already made friends.
Yes, Father.
I found my match.
I'll settle there.
Lale will be your daughter-in-law.
Good God! Son, this girl isn't suitable for you.
- Why? - That girl is a journalist.
She wouldn't be into family and kids.
She's not suitable for us.
But, Father, it was love at first sight.
The council sent me a document.
Screw the council! For God's sake, let's talk face-to-face.
- I'm annoyed already.
Father! - What? Damn.
Okay, go over there.
Erman, son.
This Lale girl is not a good match for you.
You cannot handle her.
She wouldn't worship power.
She's her own woman.
She's got a career.
Also, the council says - Oh, fuck the council.
What do they say? - They've found someone on Earth.
Songül Baltacı.
You'll mate with her.
Listen, Father.
I swear I'll punch these rocks, and I'll put a hole through the magma.
Also, Songül asked for you from the universe.
I'd ask the universe if I wanted to.
He'd be at my beck and call.
No! No way! There's nothing we can do when they ask the universe.
The council's decision is final.
Forget Lale.
You will marry Songül.
People from that class would worship you.
Beware, Erman, my son.
We need someone like that.
So I have to pay the price for this primitiveness, huh? Marry that girl, Erman.
Or Or what? Or our planet will be turned into a black hole.
Oh, fuck off! That's impossible! You just made that up! You will marry Songül.
Fine! I will marry Songül.
But as of this moment, I am no longer your son Erman.
I'm just an empty cape flying across the skies.
You hear me? The council.
All we can do is to wish them happiness.
I mean, as a family, we have our values, and so does my brother-in-law.
After all, he is a world-renowned being.
It's nobody's business, okay? We are ordinary people.
We don't get spoiled.
It's as simple as that.
People say that you've hit the jackpot.
Oh, come on.
That's not true.
This happened because I wanted it.
He's gonna have warm meals, is that so bad? Do we gain anything from this? We could, but right now that's out of the question.
Not that I'm interested, but if he's super, I'm super as his wife as well.
You're unbelievable.
I don't need to feel grateful.
I don't care about what people say.
This isn't a fairy-tale marriage, then? Fairy-tale, schmairy-tale.
My mother-in-law is stale.
Stop filming.
Turn that off.
Sis, tell them to stop filming.
All right, then.
We've talked enough.
Here he comes! Come on, don't miss any of it.
Brother-in-law, you shouldn't have.
Please, after you.
Go inside.
You're too close.
- After you.
- Please.
- After you, please.
- Okay.
The superman has just landed with an engagement ram in his arms.
My crew and I are at the scene bringing you updates.
Why are you staring at me like a pig? And you still have that spandex on.
No wonder you stink.
Don't you feel the need to take a shower? No.
This is going to be a long ride.
I can tear down this house with one punch.
Like hell you can.
This isn't your dad's house.
Go the fuck to sleep.
Erman! Erman! What the hell? Go and check it out.
Yes? Erman, dear, there's a bank robbery.
We were about to go to sleep.
- He can't come, mister.
- I'm sorry, ma'am.
You know what time it is? Come in the morning.
Have you no shame? Get inside! Songül, can you be a little more easygoing and soft-spoken? Listen, I'm very strong.
I may not be able to help myself.
Always something for nothing.
Have your cake and eat it too.
How nice! Didn't you ask for me from the universe? Be a bit more easygoing and soft-spoken.
Yes, I asked.
I was foolish.
I wish I'd held my tongue.
You can talk to my brother tomorrow.
Go now.
Move! Don't step on my cape.
Cape, huh? Big deal! Dipshit! What's up? You look upset.
It's nothing.
Here, have one.
I have to walk from here all the way to Şişhane, from there to Unkapanı, and finally to Harbiye.
That's a long way.
Tell you what, why don't you fly me over to Harbiye? I can't.
I'm busy.
I have things to do as well.
But I put food on the table, so it's okay.
Look, I can pierce you with my hand and take your heart out.
It's not about that.
We're just talking facts here.
I never pegged you as a violent man.
What's going on? Nothing.
He's just showing off.
Throw this in the dumpster.
Stop staring, take it.
Songül, I thought about it last night.
Let's not turn our lives into a prison.
Get dressed, and I'll fly you around.
No, I don't want to.
Look, indulge me.
This is me trying.
Come on.
What the hell is this? My dress is riding up, Erman! Erman! - Erman, too - It's okay, don't worry.
It's okay.
I'll faint! - Easy, relax.
- Damn you! God damn you, Erman! Erman, I'm begging you! - Are you cold? - I'm so cold.
Put this on my back.
You're just too much.
Here we are.
- This is Sarayburnu.
- I might throw up.
- Put me down! - Here we are, see? Stop, just let me go.
That's enough, I'm not feeling well.
- Hello.
- Erman.
The superman.
- Hello.
- They'll surround you.
It's fine.
Cotton candy? - Hello, Mrs.
- Yes, yes.
All right.
I'll never understand this curiosity.
And I don't want cotton candy.
My cheeks are frozen.
- Two cups of tea, please.
- Welcome, sir.
- How much is it? - I won't charge you.
Of course you'll charge me.
You think he's gonna take it out of his butt pocket? Songül, my love.
Erman, dude, center them so you don't get a rash! Okay, stop looking around.
- How about that cotton candy? - No.
I got nausea up there.
Cotton candy would make me get sticky.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
Enjoy it.
You're just too much.
İstanbul is nice, isn't it? What's nice about it? Look, it's swarming with people.
It sucks.
Are you always like this? If you give me attitude, I give you attitude.
So? Okay, but why did you choose me? I just wanted to show off, but I paid the price for that mistake.
Would you mind if I held you? Finally, there you go! Thank goodness! That's a relief.
Meteor! Yeah, go on, catch up with that shit.
Why do you interfere with God's will? Let it fall! Busybody! Songül! Here! Thank you.
She didn't cook it.
I did.
I bought the ingredients.
She cooked it.
We enjoyed it.
God grant us more.
But how is that gonna happen? - You have something to say? - Brother, I'm begging you, please.
I don't want any trouble.
You promised.
What's the big deal? Let him speak.
It's all right.
Well, brother-in-law, we have this power, and we're flying around and all.
Maybe you're the sweetheart of the world.
But doesn't this system provide you a facility? Maybe our government.
Or the CIA, or maybe the United Nations.
I have no such demand.
Well, brother-in-law, the whole world relies on you.
You have superpowers and all.
But at least your family And I swear I don't expect anything for myself.
But Songül and you should have some château or something.
There should be some benefits.
No, I mean, brother It's none of my business, but I mean, like, when you save someone, shouldn't the government or whatever pay you in return? That's what I mean.
And who's gonna tell them that? You think he will? Huh? Could he? When I came here as a superhero, I just wanted my own family.
That's bullshit.
And what do you do? You're chasing after all kinds of lowlives.
And you just catch them.
Just last week, that Keban Dam incident was all over the newspapers.
- What do we get out of this? - Sister.
The other day, a train goes off the rails in Yenikapı.
And he puts it back on the track.
- I was just passing by.
- So? What's it to me? Okay, hang on a second.
Wait a minute.
Even a rooster would peck out grain for its mate.
Dear God, what have we ever done to deserve this? Well, dude, this is not working.
You need to start to take action.
Orhan, listen, I'm really strong.
If I hit you, you'd go through these walls.
Yes, but that's not the point.
The girl's talking about grain.
She wants you to put bread on the table, and that's all.
Hey! God damn you! You're just too much! He ruined the set my mom gave me as a dowry.
What have we ever done to deserve this? The council screwed me over.
They said, "They worship power.
They'll worship you.
" Fuck power I cannot benefit from.
- Why would I worship power? - Orhan, I could rip your arms off.
Yes, but that's not the point! Get out of here! Get out! Are you trying to piss me off? Shame on you! And people think you're a good guy! He'll slap my sister! - I'm not some guy! I'm a superman! - Enough! - Okay.
- I'm a superman! - Somebody help! - I'm a superman! God freaking damn you! Look at this mess.
Now I have to vacuum the place.
You're just too much! You ruined me, Father! You ruined me, council! Whose hands did I fall into? Whose? You gave everyone what they wanted.
What's your problem with me, universe? Erman! Welcome.
- Commissioner Aytaç? This way.
- Yes.
Erman, you look upset.
The weight on my shoulders is unbearable.
The problems on Earth are endless, Erman.
There's something I want to discuss.
We'll talk over a few glasses.
- Erman, you'll have water, right? - Sure.
Erdek, huh? Yes, Erman.
It's been separated from the mainland, and it's heading towards İstanbul.
And the summer residents? There's that, yes, but what scares me the most is the tsunami.
Then, what I need to do is I need to go off the coast of Kartal and hold off Erdek.
According to the information I got from the Bureau of Oceanography, we have half an hour.
Whoa - Zafer, can you make me some phyllo rolls? - Of course, sir.
Well, Erman, how's that calorie thing of yours? The food the missus cooks.
We did rush this marriage thing.
It's not working.
If I were you, I'd slam my fist on the table and leave.
My fist is like five tons.
Erman, I got divorced twice.
With both of them, I just picked up my cape and left.
You're right, it's not good to prolong it.
Hit it.
If I leave now, I'll get there in five minutes.
- Finish first, then leave.
- Okay.
Erdek Peninsula, which broke off from the mainland, is approaching İstanbul at high speeds.
While huge waves create great danger, the residents of Erdek are waiting to be rescued.
There's still no sign of Erman the superhero.
- Excuse us.
Let us through.
- It's all fine.
Where's, you know, Lale? - Where's Lale? - Come.
- Don't do - Okay.
- I'm really drunk.
- Okay, man.
Lale! Erman! I'm here.
Lale They ruined me, Lale.
Everyone in İstanbul is nervously waiting for you.
All of Erdek's gonna be here soon.
Please, do something.
I love you, Lale.
Lale, come here.
Drop the gun, jerk! Wait.
It's okay, hold on.
Shoot me.
Come on.
Eray, Erdek! Erdek, Avşa, Çınarcık.
I don't care about any of them.
Come to me, or we die here together.
Shoot, dammit.
Shoot me.
Erman! - Shoot me.
- Erman! Listen.
Don't do this, please.
Come on, save this planet, go! Brother-in-law, come on.
There's nothing wrong with the planet.
It's just Erdek.
They say a big wave is coming.
I beg you.
We only have the one house, so do your thing.
Lale, come here! Lale, come here.
Shut the fuck up.
Don't do anything crazy.
I beg you.
You already drove him crazy.
Stop saying that.
Erman, tell me, what do you want? Didn't I say I'd burn this city to the ground when I first got here? You did, Erman.
I've had my fill of this world.
Would you come with me to Kruton? What? Your lawful wife is right here! - Do you hear yourself? - Whoa! She'll sue you and leave you with nothing but your underwear.
- Brother.
- You wouldn't get shit.
Am I registered here, you motherfucker? Listen, iron man, since you're not registered here, we can bid you farewell.
No! Shoot! Shoot! Is that it? Take this.
You forced my hand.
But that's not the point, not at all.
Yeah, go! Get out of here! God damn you both.
I shouldn't have trusted you.
Please take shelter.
Okay, they should leave.
Evacuate the premises.
No worries.
Do what you want to do.
What else am I supposed to do? Should I try to please everyone here? See? The cities are burning.
In poems and songs, when they sang about burning down the world for love, we would feel excited.
Suddenly, the reality of it seems like a burden.
But yes, I'll come with you, Erman.
I don't want to die here.
Oh, you bitch! Please take shelter.
Are you afraid of heights? Never.
You hurry.
It's shit anyway.
I was up in the air too.
I hope you shit your pants up there! - Amen! I hope so! - Stop.
- Come on, dear.
- You ruined us! Damn you! - To the shelter! Anyone left here? - Come on, brother.
Here it is.
Our home.
Welcome, dear.
Thank you, Cadiramcha.
Father, don't give me the council shit and piss me off.
So, everyone's dead, huh? There isn't any news.
Obviously, there are no survivors.
Was it worth it? Was there no other way? I can turn Earth back to normal by revolving around it.
It'd be better if they weren't dead.
All right.
I'll turn Earth back to normal.
Sit here.
- I'll come in five minutes.
- Oh.
Not like that.
I'll be back right away.
- How are things? - It's Erdek as you know it.
Well, we should protect Erdek from evil eyes.
- Is there a place I can buy shorts? - There are shorts everywhere here.
Erman! I've just returned from Erdek.
Everything is fine.
And it looks like you're already in a summer mood.
No more Mister Superman.
I think merely being a man is enough.
What do you think? - Darling.
My darling.
- Darling.
There are some great plots of land in Erdek.
We should buy property there.
Though, we do own this whole planet.
Sometimes I take this and You'll love it.
Hello, you're up? Have you seen the paper? "Superman Erman is a flop.
" We had absolutely no attendance in some parts of Anatolia.
- Erdek? - Disaster.
It drew a huge reaction.
What a shame.
We spent a lot of money on it.
I'm going to the office.
Talk to you soon.
Just tell me this, my old friend.
Was it necessary? You're right, it wasn't.
- Who makes a movie out of necessity? - Fine, I'll be at the office.
Good old Blue Box.
It's not your fault.
How did it come to this? Did you like what you did? Work your butt off.
All that blood, sweat, and tears, for years and years.
And what do you have? Well, it's kismet.
Erşan Kuneri.
I always wanted to be a movie actor, and then I became one.
I jumped down ramparts just so you could feel like you did it.
You wanted to swing swords, and I did that for you.
BEST MOVIE RUNNER-UP TAKE IT UP I fell in love for you.
I exacted revenge in the movies.
I was a killer.
I was a hero.
I've been shot a lot, but I didn't die so that you wouldn't.
When you wanted to beat those guys up, I beat them instead.
You wanted to make love to those women, so I said, "Okay, you should make love to them, Erşan.
" I made love to them.
I did that too.
It's only 13 years since the Moon landing, but I've been to another galaxy.
EROTIC OR PORN? ON FOOT OR ON LAP? Just so you could see it.
It's not my fault either.
And what did I do for myself? What have I done in my own name? And my real name is Cemil Can Taraklı.
Erşan Erşan has left.
I think I may change my name back to what it was.
Why? Where is this coming from now? I'm gonna make a movie with the Chinese.
Too Deep, Pull Back.
Cemil, I think we should stop joking around.
It was a great journey, and now it's over.
Let's not end on a sour note.
Why? You always wanted sex in the movies.
Sulhi from accounting called.
The screwing is happening in our bank accounts.
Enough already.
I'll move in with my mother in Kınalıada.
- I thought your mom was dead.
- So what? It just came out like that.
I want to put on my Speedos and get tanned on the pier before I die! - With Fedon? - Yes, with Fedon.
Fedon is a lively guy.
Why would you pull him into that? I grabbed everything I needed.
Take whatever you want.
Can I get a hug? Don't let it touch me.
I'm so lonely, Mami.
Okay, but don't let it touch me.
Wow! Erşan? - How are you? - They told me you were in rehearsal.
Yeah, we're on a break.
- How are you? - Not good.
I think we're closing up shop.
Erşan, your last movie cracked me up.
I wish it'd put a smile on my face too.
Fancy a walk? You should go more avant-garde.
I mean, even more.
Fly high.
I don't know.
Go over the top.
Feride, first you tell me to fly, then to keep my feet on the ground.
I'm not sure whether I'm an actor or a tumbler pigeon.
No, listen, we're rehearsing for a play.
It's translated from an English play.
In Your Face.
I mean, this is really awesome, radical even.
How many people do you perform for? - Twenty.
- How nice.
Feride, I came here to thank you.
You truly helped me a lot.
The movies we made weren't all that bad.
You were great in Dry Murad.
Really? Yes, we were good.
But I guess people don't always get you.
Well, the things I could do if I only had 20 viewers.
I'd be whispering in their ears.
We get smashed by millions of people, Feride.
Shoot an erotic movie.
I have an idea! Make an erotic movie and challenge your audience.
I'm serious.
Maybe that's what they want.
But I don't want to have sex with an audience anymore.
I want to fall in love with them.
Even though it's a one-sided love.
- Don't forget to come to the play, okay? - I'm not gonna play.
- See you.
- See you.
Berkun, what's up? Thanks.
Erşan, I'd like to have a nice part in one of your movies before life is over.
Why would your life be over? You're still young.
No, I meant your life.
Oh, you rascal! You're the best.
The best.
- How are you, Eryetiş? - Thanks, ma'am.
- Just pour me a glass of whiskey, huh? - We're out of whiskey.
All gone.
TURKISH WHISKEY It ain't over till you say it's over, huh? I'm saying however it started, that's how it ends.
Eryetiş, put some music on, will you? These were among the scripts I had at home.
You should keep them.
And I have something like this.
You know Helpmate.
You won't need it though.
Right now, all I need is a friend.
Would you care to? I've thought of a new movie.
- Am I a princess this time? - No.
You're an ordinary person.
- What do you mean by ordinary? - I'm an ordinary person too.
- Nothing happens in the movie.
- How could nothing happen in a movie? I mean, well, that's the only movie we can make.
A low-budget one.
My life's been low-budget, but wow.
Many things have happened, huh? But, of course, if you're saying that movies are more pricey than life itself Nothing's more pricey than life, darling.
What the hell? Eryetiş! I'm coming.
They cut the power.
I asked them to wait until the song was over, but no, they didn't.
That's just great.
- How much is the bill? I'll pay it.
- Here.
Whoa, motherfu Wow, take this.
Well, we know the song anyway.
We can sing it in our heads.
Subtitle translation by: Diana Renker, Marc Seyers
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