The Marriage Ref (2010) s02e05 Episode Script

Lauren Graham, Colin Quinn, Mary J. Blige

You're dating, yeah! You are married, what are you? You are ready, you are-- corduroy jacket, plaid shirt.
Get me married, I'm done.
How old are you, sir? - I'm 32.
- 32? Well, let's go.
You're not gonna get better stories.
Or better-looking.
This is time to do it.
Look at that guy right there.
That is your future.
Right? - Tonight on the all-new and all-improved.
The marriage ref, the star parenthood-- the beautiful and talented Lauren Graham.
- Wait a minute.
Hold on.
You're a therapist? - From Tampa, Florida, Michael and Dora Mays.
It should be in the wedding vows.
That we do not have to shop with our wives.
He's a top comedian and Broadway star, Colin Quinn.
- You ladies are never satisfied, that's the problem.
No, that's not true.
The warmest people from Minnesota, Bret and Lorie Oelke.
You asked for a weed whacker.
Did I ask for it for my birthday? You asked for it near your birthday.
- Nine -time Grammy Award Winner, the legendary Mary J.
Just chill out, relax.
Shop with me, love me.
- And from Pennsylvania, the fun -loving John and Michaeline D'Annunzio.
This is my nightmare every night.
Before I go to bed.
These pillows gotta go.
[Cheers and applause.]
- Now, please welcome your host, Tom Papa.
[Cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
Hey, welcome to The Marriage Ref.
I'm Tom Papa.
Have you ever eavesdropped on a couple.
Having an argument in public.
And felt better about your own relationship? Then this is the show for you.
Let's get right into it.
Please welcome our celebrities, everybody.
[Cheers and applause.]
Good to see you guys.
Now, Lauren, you and I are friends for a long time.
And, um, are you sad that I'm married? [Laughter.]
Yes, I'm so sad.
- And, Colin, you and I have been friends for a long time.
Yes, we have, Tom.
Yes, we have.
Why don't we ever flirt at parties? Ugh.
- And, Mary, now that you know I'm married, are you sad too? - I--yes, I'm sad.
- You're married, right? - Yes, I am.
How long you been married? - Seven years on December 7th.
- Wow.
That's nice.
All right, this is how it's gonna go today.
We're gonna watch some couples have arguments, and you guys are gonna decide who's right and who's wrong-- the husband or the wife.
And at the end of the show, our studio audience is gonna vote.
On which of tonight's three winners is the rightest.
And whoever's the rightest is gonna win $25,000.
And a billboard in their hometown.
Declaring they are right.
Pretty good.
All right, let's go to our first couple.
We go to Tampa, Florida, and check in.
With Michael and Dora Mays.
- Michael and I met when I was three and he was seven.
We lived across the street from each other.
And, in fact, I remember telling his father.
That I was gonna marry his son.
- The thing I love about Dora is the smile that she has.
That's that special smile that I really did something good.
- Sometimes I love that he is very practical.
She's perfect.
I'm not.
- Far from perfect.
- [Laughs.]
Michael--he'd rather go shopping.
With anybody other than me.
- Shopping with you is a six -hour trip.
- What colors do you want to use on the tree this year? One of the colors we have at home.
This is the stuff that's on clearance.
- Yeah, but they always put on clearance what nobody wants.
I think I do a great job at shopping.
I look for the deals.
I go for the sales.
I am shopping for you - I don't like that.
- You don't like it? For me I'm shopping for the house.
I have to cover the whole spectrum.
Michael, it's purple.
Is that gonna kill you to just be with your wife.
For four hours? I love my wife more than anything.
I just don't want to shop! That's it.
- You do that with Tony.
- My buddy here - Yes.
We just enjoy spending time together.
- Where are the balls at? - There you go, right there.
Oh, that was ugly.
What you think? That's it.
You may get that for Christmas.
I like that one.
Thank you very much.
- Him and Tony, it's like Fred and Barney-- you know, inseparable.
- Some good stuff.
- Mm-hmm.
- I think that there should be something in the marriage vow.
That says certain things you do with your wife.
Versus your friend, like go shopping.
It should be in the wedding vows.
That we do not have to shop with our wives.
That's it.
- Definitely.
[Cheers and applause.]
- So the issue here is, if you don't shop with your wife, should she be allowed to return you? What do you think, Colin? The shopping trips, do you like 'em? How can this even be a subject? This is the delusion.
No woman wants their husband to go shopping with them.
They just think they want him to go shopping with them.
- What do you mean? She seems to really want him to shop.
- No, she doesn't.
You see the way two guys shop together.
They don't even look at each other.
They're eating ice cream, looking off.
If he was with his wife, he'd have to look at her.
While he's eating the damn ice cream cone.
All they ever bought was balls.
Very good point.
The one time he's allowed to have 'em-- when she's not around.
What do you think, Mary? I think them shopping together.
Or her asking him to shop with him--with her-- is more of a romantic kind of, "I love you, just hang out with me" kind of thing.
So just have a little bit of patience with me for the day, you know, like you have with your friend.
You know, he's buying what you like.
You say you love me, so like what I like for a little while.
Just woman up and go.
Whatever! Whatever.
I mean, that's just-- but that's the point.
The difference is, if he goes shopping.
With his friend, his friend's not-- "do you like this golf ball?" "Yeah.
" "No, but I like this one better.
" "Why do you like that one better?" "I don't know, I like that one.
" "You sure you like that one better?" "You don't know what you're talking about.
" But women are different, you know? Women are different.
- [Laughing.]
It's true.
I mean, let's look at it again.
Whoa, that was ugly.
I like that one.
So why can't your wife be.
Your friend for the day like that? - Because your wife isn't as dumb as that.
- Doesn't it-- - no, it's true.
Guys like doing dumb things.
If his wife said, "let's go to the mall, and we'll throw cinnabons off the roof," he would go in a second.
- By the way, doesn't it-- doesn't it look like.
They're hitting golf balls into the window of the building? Yes.
- Where are they hitting those golf balls? It's like completely-- - right into somebody's house.
Giving themselves, like, no space.
Yeah, I know.
But that's what guys do.
They don't care.
They're not thinking.
Let's just hit them in the woods.
And then you know what they do for the next six hours? "Let's go find those balls.
" - Right.
And it's not all the time, you know? If it's just once-- once every five years, just chill out, relax.
Shop with me, love me.
That's it.
- Yeah.
Do you think she would be happy.
With once every five years? You know what I'm trying to say.
- Where you're like, "three and a half years-- it's coming up.
" - Yes.
- "The big shopping trip.
" - Well, I noticed with Tony's-- with the sidekick, that he just pretty much says, "yep.
" He's, like--he's like, "you wanna do this?" "Yes, 110%.
" "You wanna do that?" "Yes, that sounds good.
" So maybe he needs her to just, you know, tell him yes when she means no or something.
- Yeah, that's what a guy wants from his friends.
That's a guy that you will stay with forever.
You just--whatever you do that's dumb-- 110%.
Yeah, you're right.
- But is that what a guy wants in a wife too? - Oh.
What are you saying-- just a yes-woman? - Yeah.
- Yeah, but he doesn't-- he won't-- he wouldn't want her for long.
- No.
He would not want her for long.
Right? He would not want her for long.
What, you think a wife has to be.
A little bit more of a challenge? - No, there's balance.
You know, there's a balance.
She can be his buddy and also be like, "wait a minute, we're not doing that.
" They love-- from my experience, they love a balance.
But they don't like to just run all over you.
You know, it's too easy.
- Right.
You gotta be a little tough.
- Yeah.
- So if Michael came up-- if you were married to Michael.
And he's like, "hey, you wanna go hit.
Golf balls at houses?" No.
- I'll go-- I'll watch you, though.
I'll hang out while-- it's a balance.
- And you sit on the side-- "wow, you're really good.
" [Laughter.]
- Who are you kind of feeling for right now, Colin? - The guy.
- The guy.
- Colin, you're just gonna vote for the guy every time.
- So? You guys are gonna vote for the girl every time! No, it's not true.
Not that I'm 12 years old or anything.
All right, when we come back, Michael and Dora Mays will be here.
So everybody shop on their own, and we'll meet at the escalator after the break.
We'll be right back.
[Cheers and applause.]
Coming up These two therapists can't stop sharing their feelings.
- He lives in the house.
- No, no, try this right here.
- There has to be stuff-- - Michael, Michael.
It's not like I'm a shopaholic, right? I don't make a sport out of shopping.
- Then a surprise guest leaves everyone speechless.
Be here when it all goes down on The marriage ref.
Welcome back to The Marriage Ref.
To shop or not to shop? That is the question.
And here to state their case are Michael and Dora Mays.
[Cheers and applause.]
- There's some love for that side over there.
There's some love for this side over here.
Hey! You are both campaigning.
- Hey, I gotta make it all for the fellas! Fellas! Can we just get to the real point? It's not what you're doing.
It's who you're doing it with.
And if he's with me-- - but how long does it have to take to do that with you? - And if he's with me, what difference does it make, really? I mean-- - that's the question.
It's not like I'm a shopaholic.
Come on, now.
Come on, now.
I don't make a sport out of shopping.
Why does it have to take so long? I don't make a sport out of it.
- Hey, I'm gonna-- - you gotta wear clothes.
I mean, look at this man.
Does he look good or what? I do look nice.
- He looks good.
- Okay.
- But it didn't take that long to get me to look this nice.
- He should know, I did it.
- Mama did that already.
I did it.
I did it.
What he's wearing-- the clothes he's wearing, I bought them.
- So why do I have to be there? Sounds like a song, doesn't it? Why do I have to go.
If she's gonna pick the clothes out for me? - I picked this out myself.
I look mediocre.
This is as good as a man should ever look.
What's killed us is these stupid fashion countries.
Where guys know the designer labels.
"Who are you wearing?" And they know their-- every guy on the red carpet should be like, "who are you wearing?" "I don't know.
Honey, what does that say?" No guy should know who he's wearing.
He has to look good.
I mean, he transitioned from the military, 24 years.
He couldn't wear his uniform to work.
He's now a therapist.
He has to look good when he goes to work.
- Why can't I get the same kind of time with you, on the things I like to do? - Wait a minute.
Hold on.
- Hold on.
You're a therapist? [Laughter.]
- Because I don't think anyone-- I think they've only been talking.
At the same time since they came out.
Yeah, yeah.
- But we teach good skills.
We teach good skills.
- Hey, I'm not in therapeutic practice right now.
Right now I'm trying to-- - in his office, he puts two puppets on his hands, and they yell at each other.
- I would like to get the same time doing what I wanna do.
As doing what she wanna do.
Hey, the argument-- "I wanna be with you.
I wanna spend time with you.
" - Absolutely.
- Well, then let's spend time with me doing what I wanna do.
- Hold on, Mike.
- She's so cute.
Both of you--you guys are so beautiful.
When you're tired, okay, you're at your fourth hour.
Just say, "baby, I'm gonna go sit in the car.
" Or, "I'm gonna go on home.
" - What? What? - It doesn't happen like that.
- What? What? You understand what I'm saying? Instead of going, "ugh.
Oh, God.
Oh, lord.
" Just say, "baby, I'm tired, and I'm gonna go now.
" And you say, "okay, boo, no problem.
" You bring up a very good point.
- A very good point.
- Keep telling her! Keep telling her.
When I get tired, I can leave.
That don't work.
That don't work.
I get the "ugh" before we ever go.
- No, no, that's because I dread the amount of time.
We're talking four hou-- hey, now, if I say, "let's go play"-- but you're with me.
Well, what about me playing golf? Have I played golf? I have played golf.
Oh, how many times? - Let me just say, the last time I went golfing with him, I got a ride to the emergency room in an ambulance.
- The emergency room? - Passed out.
Do you know it's 100% humidity in Tampa, Florida? - We were playing putt -putt golf.
That my daughters asked me to come and play.
Wait a minute.
- I can't believe you guys are on the show.
You get along so well.
Yeah, yeah.
Not this subject.
- As your therapist - Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
I think I have to intervene here, because there is a subject here.
That we're kind of just going by.
And that is your sidekick, Tony.
- Tony, my boy.
- And-- what's that? Tony, ladies and gentlemen.
[Cheers and applause.]
Homeboy Tony! What's up? What's up, baby? What's up? That's my boy! Yeah! My boy is here! Fellas! Fellas! [Indistinct shouting.]
Hard at work.
Fellas! - There it is.
- All right, have a seat.
- There it is.
- I love this man.
Have a seat.
- I don't want him going shopping with my man.
All right, let me just say that.
Yeah, my boy.
I want my man shopping with me.
- -bone.
- Yes, sir! That's what I'm talking about.
Now it's on.
It's on now.
- There it is.
- This is unfair.
I just want you to know this is not fair.
I want my man shopping with me, okay? I want my man shopping with me.
And Tony is sometimes.
Coming in between the two of you.
Colin, is this okay? - Oh, this is not okay, Colin.
Come on.
Come on.
You know this is not okay.
- They were probably in the service together.
For 24 years serving our country.
They're still hanging out.
What's wrong with that? - See there? - There you go.
- Oh, Colin.
- But let me say Let me say, let me say The time that Tony and I spend together is very minute.
We go in, we come out.
You saw the tape.
- Why is that, Tony? The guys know what they need.
They go get it.
They come out.
They're done.
- I mean, it's not pretty, but I have to say it.
You said, "we're not your personal shoppers.
" But can't you guys just be? Just pick our clothes out.
We don't wanna go shopping.
Colin - Do you thi-- you agree with that, Tony? 110% [Laughter.]
Yes, sir.
All right, I think we're gonna have to make.
The final call here.
- It's really tough.
- I know it's not gonna be easy.
- I know it's not gonna be easy.
- It's really tough.
I'm gonna start with you, Colin.
Who's right? Michael or Dora? - [Laughing.]
- Oh, Colin! - Michael's right.
Why, Colin? Why? The reason I just said.
We can't shop.
We hate shopping.
Why don't you ladies just buckle down--just do it for us? Bring us our clothes.
- Oh, my goodness.
How archaic.
- We'll do something else.
Just tell us some other job to do.
- Lauren Graham, Micheal or Dora, who is right? - I think they're both so sweet with each other You mean Tony and Michael? Tony and Micheal.
- They seem to have a really nice marriage.
And I just love when a guy comes shopping.
I think it's really nice.
And I think that I will go with Dora.
- With Dora.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Yes! - So we have one--look how Tony just glares at you.
Now, Mary, I know you didn't want the pressure, but now it's really on you.
- No, as a woman, you do feel good when your man.
Can be patient with something that it is that you love to do, because we're different creatures.
They go in.
They get what they need.
We stick around.
We look.
You know, we feel it out, 'cause, you know, we're women.
I'm gonna go with Dora.
Our panel has decided you were right.
Dora wins, everybody! [Cheers and applause.]
And you may win $25,000 and your very own billboard.
And more shopping! And more shopping with $25,000.
A big thank-you to the Mayses, everybody.
[Cheers and applause.]
Thanks, guys.
And now let's meet our next couple.
All the way from Northern Minnesota, it's Bret and Lorie Oelke.
[Midwestern accent.]
Oh, yeah.
- When we met, we were at the Steele County Fair.
We dated for a total of five years.
- She's kind of the anchor-- the one that kind of holds everything together.
I was very much in love with him, but it took a long time to actually set a wedding date, because, you know, we had.
To fit it in between farming and hay-making.
There was actually one day we could get married.
- Fortunately, the church was available on that day.
[Ducks quacking.]
- When I get Lorie a gift, um Occasionally there's not a lot of thought put into it.
- There's never a lot of thought put in it.
I think gifts should be practical.
Telescoping ice scraper-- stocking stuffer.
I appreciate a gift that not only I can use, but other people can utilize as well.
The philosophy is always bigger is better.
This thing is sweet.
My friends get jewelry.
They get manicures, pedicures-- things that are more for them.
This was my birthday present.
You asked for a weed whacker.
Did I ask for it for my birthday? You asked for it near your birthday.
The more of the useful side than the frivolous.
- The worst gift that Bret has gotten me-- well, it's kind of a tie between the weed whacker and the goat.
[Goat bleats.]
Nobody should ever get a goat as a gift.
[Goat bleats.]
- It's practical.
We use that goat for breeding stock or food production.
We had the offspring of it for years.
They kept multiplying.
So what would've you rather had? You could've bought me flowers.
What good are flowers? They last for three days, and then they're dead.
- You need to buy something that's for me.
- This was for you, so you could haul your chickens.
[Chickens clucking.]
- This year for our anniversary, he got me a wagon.
I mean, he could pick flowers out of the road ditch, and it would be sometimes a better gift.
Than what I've gotten.
This is what he bought me-- an emerald necklace in the perfect shape of a "g.
" My name doesn't start with a "g.
" It's Lorie Oelke, there's no "g" anywhere in it.
It's a "g.
" And my name does not start with a "g," and that's a "g.
" - That's not a "g.
" For our 25th wedding anniversary, we had always planned on going to Hawaii.
We'll get to Hawaii at some point.
Instead, we got a trip to Omaha, and I got a Margarita machine.
Sometimes it's the thought that counts.
But after 27 years, you need to maybe come up with a new thought.
[Cheers and applause.]
- So the issue here is, should you ever give.
A woman a gift that requires protective headgear? [Chuckling.]
Anything romantic about any of those gifts? I don't believe so, no.
- Is it important that he is romantic with these gifts? Of course! Yes, you want a nice gift.
That says, "I'm thinking of you.
" Well, doesn't a weed whacker say that? Eh, no, no, no, no, not a weed whacker, because that's for him.
Everything is for her to do work, you know what I mean? It's like, come on.
Well, they live on a farm.
You know - But she deserves a good ring, a nice hairdo.
She deserves something nice.
- Colin, what do you think? - This is ridiculous.
Tell her to go fix herself up with Tim Gunn.
If she wants that kind of nonsense--jewelry.
- It's true.
- Man's a hard-working gentle-- I'm a little unnerved by that necklace with the "g" on it.
It's like, where did he get that? [Laughter.]
"I buried her, but I kept a trinket.
" - Yeah, and who did he really have in mind.
When he gave her that necklace? [Laughter.]
- I think the Margarita machine is not the worst gift ever.
That's a gift of love.
- That is a good gift, isn't it? Other people would call it a blender.
Colin, did you ever get busted for giving a gift.
That your girlfriend didn't like? Oh, all the time.
Every time I try to pick something out myself-- that's why I feel bad for this guy, because-- you don't understand.
We can't think of what's ni-- you think this guy knows what nice jewelry is? Well, ask someone.
Ask someone.
- Who's he gonna ask? - Ask another woman.
There's only 600 people in that town, you ask another woman [Laughter.]
- All these gifts, to me, show that he really cares.
Look at this.
Look at that.
- Yeah, he's a bit of a sicko.
- Is there any point-- what's that? - Nothing.
- He's a little bit of a sicko? - I forgot he's here.
He might come out.
And be one of those big country boys with the giant mitts.
And start choking me in the middle of the show.
[Midwestern accent.]
"I don't like your attitude," you know.
It's more like Texas chainsaw massacre, if you ask me.
- All right, we have to take a quick break right now, so if you have a Margarita machine, this is the time to use it.
The Oelkes will be here when we come back.
[Cheers and applause.]
Okay, welcome back to The Marriage Ref.
We're trying to figure out, in gift-giving, does the thought count if you have to milk it? Let's ask the people who know best.
Please welcome the Oelkes, everybody.
[Cheers and applause.]
Ah, good to see you guys.
- Thanks for having us.
- Welcome to new York.
- It is the thought that counts, by the way.
- Explain, Bret, explain.
- I'll tell you, you know, a lot of people have real expectations.
When they receive something, that it should be in this box.
And I like to be an outside-of-the-box thinker.
And like to be unique.
- Right.
- But you know what? The thought does count.
- It does count.
Yes, but maybe he needs to put.
A little bit more thought into it.
After we've been together for 32 years, he should know that I don't want a goat.
I had no desire to ever have a goat.
- It shouldn't be a gift? - If he wants a goat - In some cultures - He can buy himself a goat.
- Goats are considered to be a high -honor gift.
That's true.
Good point, Bret.
That culture is what again? - Not here.
- What culture? - We don't live in there.
- That's a weird statement, isn't it, Colin? - I'm not gonna mess with this guy at this point.
Why? - He looks like an undercover cop, but listen Let's face it--if he was giving you all those nice gifts.
And taking you out to dinner, you'd be like, "I want a real man that works with farm implements.
" You ladies are never satisfied.
That's the problem.
- No, that's not true.
- I know what's going on here.
- Has he ever given you anything romantic? - One time in his life.
- What was that? - About 32 years, he brought roses one time.
- Oh, really? - Yes.
- And they died after three days, didn't they? Just like he said.
- They were actually in a vase, and they were very beautiful.
No, he has brought me flowers once.
That he accidentally left in the truck overnight.
And so when he brought them in, they were black and-- you know, 'cause it was 32 degrees out there.
- It was a little bit chilly that evening, and I had unloaded everything else.
So those kind of things don't count.
Gifts should not require work.
And most of the gifts, as you saw, that he has bought me require work.
- Maybe you need to work on-- Lorie, on your hint-dropping.
- Did you see the gift that he got when I did drop a hint? The "g"? That I'd like an emerald necklace, and it comes in the shape of a "g" for a football.
I mean, hello? I don't even watch football.
You really wanna give him a hint, you show up at 3:00 in the morning.
With a wood chipper by his neck.
- I'll keep that in mind.
Christmas is coming.
- None of my friends have ever gotten a goat as a gift.
- They don't have goats? - Ever.
- Although some of them have asked for that.
No, they have never asked for that.
That's just not true.
All right, it's time to make the call.
Who are you gonna go for-- Bret or Lorie? Who's it gonna be, Colin? - I'm going with the husbands.
You're going for Bret, okay.
Where's the applause on that? [Cheers and applause.]
The guy's pretty comfortable on TV.
For a guy from a town with 600 people, isn't he? He's like, "hey, folks, come on!" - Mary, who do you think is right, Bret or Lorie? - Lorie.
- Lorie.
Thank you.
Yay! I'm shocked.
- It all comes down to Lauren Graham-- the final decision.
Who is right, Bret or Lorie? - What I like about Bret is that he is trying, and, you know, the "g" necklace was close.
But I think that Bret could do.
A little bit of a better job getting Lorie something.
That doesn't also require manual labor.
So Lorie--I vote for her.
- So Lorie.
So the panel says that Lorie's right.
You win! Thank you! - And you might win $25,000 and your very own billboard.
A big round of applause for the Oelkes, everybody.
[Cheers and applause.]
All right, it's time for a break.
But before we go, we get a lot of submissions.
For the show that we don't use.
Other shows call this "the reject pile.
" But we're nicer than that.
We call it "you're on your own.
" I have probably over 1,500 penguins, if not more, in my collection.
If I could literally have a penguin sitting right here, I would love that.
Oh, he buys imitation everything.
Like, if you ask him for, like, a Tylenol, he buys you "Mylenol.
" John is a satanist.
Next to our bed, we have the large Baphomet statue.
It's a goat Hermaphrodite.
- Yeah.
[Cheers and applause.]
- Our final couple of the night will be out here with us.
When we come back.
Coming up It's a problem that's invading households across America.
- One of these days you're going to read about me in the paper-- the man that got killed by the pillows, okay? - Thankfully, Dr.
Colin Quinn has the remedy.
- You guys don't even belong on The Marriage Ref.
You belong on intervention.
She's a pillows addict.
And later Whose face will appear on this billboard? Find out when The Marriage Ref returns.
Welcome back to The Marriage Ref.
You're just in time.
We're going to Aston, Pennsylvania, to meet John and Michaeline D'Annunzio.
- When I first met Michaeline, I was 18 years old.
Probably two weeks after I was dating her, I realized that I was in love with her.
In junior year, my junior year, he proposed to me.
And it worked out.
- It worked out well.
- Yeah.
- It worked out very well.
John thinks we have a pillow situation.
- I probably spend at least ten minutes a day moving pillows.
I gotta get rid of these pillows one way or the other.
This is my nightmare.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19 pillows.
There should be 3.
- There should be no issue about these pillows.
It's my home.
I'm not taking food off the table.
- I'll bet you she has at least two grand wrapped up in pillows.
- If I'm shopping and I see a cool pillow, I'll buy it.
But it's not like I'm obsessed with pillows.
I love the sparkle pillows.
Something like this-- you're not gonna see this everywhere you go.
These are, like, a fur.
They summon you.
They say to you, "come here," you know? They make you feel like they want to be touched.
- It's obvious that the pillows are a problem.
This is what I have to do every night.
I gotta take this, move these two pillows.
Out of the way, and pull this down.
I would like to come home sometimes.
And see nothing on the bed--no more work.
It's like a job.
When I get out of the bed at nighttime, first thing I do is I step on one pillow.
I trip on the other.
Next thing I know, I'm banging myself on this.
Look at this.
- You don't even have to-- look at this.
From a week ago, okay? That's a week ago, from bumping on that.
I'm gonna wind up in the hospital one of these nights.
- You're not gonna wind up in the hospital.
These pillows gotta go.
[Cheers and applause.]
- The issue here is, are pillows worth dying for? - I think you should do a wife swap with them.
And the couple from Minnesota for a week.
She can get pillows, and this one can get a goat.
And then they'll feel grateful to have what they have.
- Mary, we've just met.
I don't really know you.
- Mm -hmm.
- But I see your bed being very fancy, am I right? I love pillows.
And I need pillows for medical reasons.
I have acid reflux, so I have to sleep sitting up sometimes.
But far as, like, pillo-- I just love pillows.
I just love designs.
And I just love pillows, sorry.
Well, okay, Ms.
D'Annunzio, easy.
So you would take all those pillows and prop them all up.
And then just lean against it? - That's right-- up on all of them.
- Oh, that's scary.
- Yeah.
Do you sleep with your eyes open too? That would be really weird.
Walk in and I'm concerned where she says.
That the pillows speak to her, because it's a borderline issue.
Unless you are communing with the pillow, and then it's a real issue-- then she's got trouble.
You know what's so funny? That she's so into pillows.
And then you see the pillows that they're sleeping on.
Can we run that again? Right.
Oh, sad.
They're like prison pillows.
- And the sad part is you look at his picture.
When he was 18, when he first met her, when they get married, he's, like, this, you know, Italian Philly badass.
And now he's like, "uh.
" He doesn't even have the guts to throw the pillows out.
He's beaten.
He's a beaten man.
He's abused too.
He's got bruises.
- Yes.
Yeah, that bruise is not from a pillow.
Who's he kidding? - Yeah.
- Yeah, let's see that-- look at that bruise.
- That looks like a hot -iron Mark right there.
You can't even lie on those pillows, what's the point of them? Decorative pillows? Come on.
- You ever lay down on a decorative pillow, like, on the couch and you fall asleep? Yeah, it slides right off.
- You know, you wake up.
You've drooled on it.
You have sequins on your face.
- But maybe she's just trying to make it all romantic.
- Yeah, it's a cry for help, that's for sure.
I think it's too much.
I think it's a little shopaholic-y.
You know? It's just like, "I can't fix the real problems.
Of the world, I'll just keep rotating the pillows.
" You know? - Right.
It's like, "oh, I'm sad again.
Must get another pillow.
" - Plus, this guy, you don't build in Western Pennsylvania.
Unless you hit this guy off for, like, 30 grand, believe me.
- I like how all the men are scaring you tonight.
- You take care of me.
I take care of you.
- All right, John and Michaeline D'Annunzio.
Will be out here when we come back.
But first, there's an old saying-- "you should never go to bed angry.
" But for a lot of married couples, that's when the anger begins.
- Sleeping habits-- [laughing.]
I don't know if I should say them.
Yeah, please don't.
Well, apparently we both snore.
- She's a terrible sleeper.
- Well, gee, thank you.
- I'm sorry.
Oh, I snore Proudly and loudly.
She hogs the blankets.
He has to sleep with his back to me.
He definitely hogs the covers, and then he blames it on me.
I'm a kicker.
- She'd wake up, "where'd you get that bruise?" - She basically coughs from the month of November.
Through the month of April Every year.
She snores Like a train.
- Like a train.
Welcome back.
I hope everybody's propped up their pillows.
Because I'd like to introduce John and Michaeline D'Annunzio.
[Cheers and applause.]
Good to see you guys.
- I mean, I gotta say something.
Right off the start.
Dangerous pillows? I mean - Yeah, listen, when you get in in the middle of the night.
And you get out of bed and you have to go to the bathroom, the pillows are all over the floor.
You should put them nicely on the side.
You trip over them.
- You do not have to just throw them on the side.
That's a good point.
Maybe you're just throwing them all crazy.
He's throwing them all over, making them all a mess, and then he falls.
He's like, "oh!" And now it's my fault.
- She wants me to stack pillows at 11:00 at night.
- Right.
- She wants me to stack them.
Let me get these pillows, I'll stack them all over here.
Okay? This way I don't trip on them.
I'm tired when I go to bed.
You know that they're there.
- Listen, our dog won't even walk on the pillows anymore.
The dog walks around the other side of the bed.
To get in the bed, because it's afraid of the pillows.
- Yeah, because she-- - so you have a dog.
The pillows can't be on the bed, but the dog--that's okay.
The dog hates the pillows.
One of these days you're gonna read about me in the paper-- the man that got killed by the pillows, okay? 'Cause I've tripped on them.
I've fallen against the bed.
I can see me falling against the bureau.
And cracking my head open on these pillows.
- How could you fall when you know that they're there.
- Colin, what do you think of-- - first of all, this guy's obviously taken very good care of her.
I like all that ice you're wearing.
You're pretty iced out there.
There's a lady in Minnesota.
That's never even seen a puka-shells necklace.
You're sitting there with $30,000 worth.
Of gold, silver, platinum.
And yet you still want more pillows.
I'll tell you the truth.
You guys don't even belong on The Marriage Ref.
You belong on intervention.
She's a pillows addict.
There's something wrong with her.
It's a pillow problem.
It really is.
- This is not a pillow problem.
It's just an accent piece.
They look beautiful.
They're beautiful.
- Mary agrees.
Mary has a love of pillows.
- I love pillows.
- See? - I'm sorry.
- The pillows got to go.
- I understand-- she can meet you halfway.
And just take them off the bed for you.
I'm telling you, they're dangerous.
- They look great.
The bedroom always looks pretty.
I've hurt myself on these pillows.
Do you ever limit your pillow problem? Do you ever look-- - it's a problem.
Do you ever look in the mirror and say, "maybe he's right.
I have too many pillows," ever? - No.
No, I mean, the pillows are beautiful.
If you look in our house, they go with all the-- it ties the room together.
They are.
Your house is very pretty.
It ties the rooms together.
And it's like--you know, it's a decorating-type thing.
It's an accent piece.
19 accent pieces, okay? 19, just to get into the bed, okay? That's a lot of accent, okay? Listen, I repurposed some pillows.
Our color schemes sometimes don't change that much.
So what am I gonna do with them--throw them away? What's he want me to do-- bag them up and just toss them in the trash? - I think that's exactly what he wants you to do.
- I want the pillows gone.
- I'm saving-- - I want them gone.
I need some help here.
I want them out of here.
- When you were a young tough in South Philly, did you ever the day you'd be grown up, you'd be sitting there belly-aching about pillows? - No, never.
- What happened to us? Not in my wildest dreams.
- What happened to us? - I know.
So you only bring pillows in.
You never-- they never go out.
- Well, if they-- - they never go out.
I mean, never, okay? - I've had to lose a few.
She sneaks them into the house, okay? - I sneak everything into the house except food.
Everything is snuck into the house.
How do you sneak them into the house? I do it before he comes home.
They're a big investment here.
These pillows cost a lot of money.
- Oh, I know.
- They're a big investment.
- All right, I think we're ready to make the call.
I'm gonna start with you, Lauren.
Who is right here, John or Michaeline? I've been there, Michaeline.
I understand the throw-pillow addiction.
But I want you to quit the habit, and I'm gonna go with John.
- Oh, that's not fair.
- Going with John.
That's not fair.
Mary John or Michaeline? I love the pillows.
And they obviously make her so happy.
They do something for her therapeutic-- you know, they're therapeutic for her.
So I'm gonna go with Michaeline.
Oh, I love her.
- Oh, Michaeline-- very interesting.
Well, it's down to a tiebreaker.
And it's going to Colin Quinn.
Colin, think long and hard about this.
All the signs of addiction are there.
That she's sneaking them in.
People sneak liquor into a house.
Not always, not always.
- That he's been brutally beaten-- he has bruises all over his body.
You always end up abusing your spouse with addiction.
- No, no, no, no.
- I know.
I'd like to go for her so that everybody would think I'm a fair-minded guy that just didn't root.
For the guys 'cause I'm a guy.
- Yes.
- Instead of realizing what a petty fool I am, that I'm gonna go for the guy again.
- You know what I mean? But I'm doing it just 'cause I am a petty fool going for the guy.
- I'm sorry, Michaeline.
- So you're going with John.
That's it.
- Thanks.
The panel says that you were right.
You win.
- And now you're in the running for $25,000.
And your very own billboard.
A big thank-you to the D'Annunzios, everybody.
[Cheers and applause.]
Now, everyone get ready, because when we come back, the audience is gonna choose.
Who is the rightest of the right? Stick around.
You don't wanna miss this.
Next up on The Marriage Ref.
It's the moment we've all been waiting for.
No man, after working all day long, should have to work that hard to get in bed at nighttime.
Who will take home $25,000? - I mean, she's right.
No one should get a goat.
Like, that's hard-core.
That's so disrespectful.
- Who's face will appear on this billboard? Find out next.
- All right, we're back with tonight's finalists.
They're all hoping to be the rightest of the right.
And the winner of $25,000.
And their own billboard.
Here's a quick reminder of the arguments they've won.
Lorie Oelke with, "you call this is a gift?" The worst gift that Bret has gotten me.
Was kind of a tie between the weed whacker and the goat.
[Goat bleats.]
Nobody should ever get a goat as a gift.
[Goat bleats.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Lorie, why are you the rightest? - Because no person should ever get livestock.
Or something with a cord and a motor.
As a special-occasion gift.
- Dora Mays with, "the sidekick shopping spree.
" It should be in the wedding vows.
That we do not have to shop with our wives.
That's it.
- Definitely.
[Cheers and applause.]
Dora, why are you the rightest? - Because it would be one thing if he wasn't gonna shop at all, but since he does shop and he does wear clothes, I think that we could do it together.
- That he wears clothes-- setting the bar pretty low.
And John D'Annunzio.
With, "the precious pillow takeover.
" 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19 pillows.
There should be 3.
[Cheers and applause.]
Okay, John, why are you the rightest? - Because no man, after working all day long, should have to work that hard to get in bed at nighttime.
You make a good point.
All right, audience, the time has come.
Please vote now.
Colin, who are you rooting for? I think everybody has a good shot, but there's something about Lorie, about that stark landscape of northern Minnesota.
That's just gonna-- you know, it's like one of those photos from, like, the 1930s.
People are just gonna be like, "oh, my God, we gotta get her out of Hoffman, population 672.
" Mary, who are you rooting for? - I mean, she's right.
No one should get a goat.
Like, that's hard-core.
That's so disrespectful.
What about you, Lauren? - I have a special sympathy in my heart for the man.
Who can't get in his own bed at night.
But I do think that, um, with that money, perhaps, um, Lorie's husband would be encouraged.
To buy her the proper initial for her necklace.
- Buy a spot-welding Kit.
- Yeah.
All right, the results are in.
It is time to find out who will be the rightest.
In third place, with the fewest votes, and not the winner of the $25,000.
Or their own billboard is Dora Mays.
Give her a round of applause, everybody.
Thank you, Dora.
All right, the rightest of the right-- the winner of $25,000 and their own billboard.
Is Lorie Oelke! Sorry, Michael.
Sorry, John.
Thank you very much.
Let's bring out Mr.
[Cheers and applause.]
All right, you just won $25,000.
Our audience has spoken.
But there's only one person that can make this official.
So, Mr.
Oelke, let's hear you say it.
Lorie, you were right.
[Cheers and applause.]
That's great.
And here's what your billboard is gonna say.
Okay, that's our show.
We'd like to thank our panel-- Lauren Graham, Mary J.
Blige, and Colin Quinn.
Great job, guys.
[Cheers and applause.]
- Look! - You amuse me.
See? I am right! I told you.
- You're right Once.
Nobody besides you.
Would buy a goat for somebody.
- All couples tonight will receive a six -night stay, all-inclusive, with SPA treatments.
At the beautiful la source, Grenada-- airfare furnished by Orbitz.
[Cheers and applause.]
- Keep fighting, America.
We'll see you next week.

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