The Moodys (2014) s01e03 Episode Script

Bridget's Surprise 40th

1 Terry and I are in a relationship and, yes, it is of a sexual nature.
Oh, there it is.
Tez, you sly old dog! I am your girlfriend just today.
Tomorrow I could be his girlfriend or her girlfriend.
Is Oksana a prostitute? Just pulling your chain.
Your leg! She had me going when she gave me her card.
Let's open the bidding.
Let's get one behind the rocket.
No, you've gotta take one on your phone.
I wouldn't have thought a professional would be threatened by a camera phone.
You do have a job? No, I did.
That would have been nice to know before I bought a house.
MAN: Have a seat.
DAN: Ah, there you go.
All done? Yep.
Mr Moody, Dan Moody.
That's me.
Right, please list the fields you feel you are suitably qualified to engage in active employment.
Ah, photography.
And? Oh, that's that's it, really.
Just photography? Ah, yeah.
Let's just check the old system.
I have, uh zero.
Zero listings for photographers/photo services.
Sort of a dying industry, isn't it? Professional photography? Mmm.
However, do not despair.
I do have 438 listings in related fields.
What are they? Ah, kitchen hand.
Kitchen hand.
Cleaning services operator.
No, they've just dressed that up.
It's still essentially a kitchen hand.
Sorry (Clears throat) How exactly is kitchen hand related to photography? Oh, all hand-related, uh professions.
Uh And both are jobs.
That's true.
Although if you look at these figures, I'd say photography's more of a hobby than a job.
It's digital, isn't it? It makes it so easy.
Anyone can do it.
My nephew, for example, takes amazing photos.
Just a kid.
Have a look.
Do you want to see? I'll show you some.
Look at this.
A kid took this.
That's a bird resting on the head of a camel.
I can see.
That's a bird taking off from the from the head of the camel.
It's what they do next.
Taking off.
Resting on the head.
(Sighs) Sitting.
Theme music Oh, whoopsie-daisy, hey? If I could just have your eyes that way, please, sir.
That's it.
Now spread those legs for me.
It was just a banana! Legs spread, arms out.
You heard the man.
You know, it may just seem like a harmless banana, sir, but it could contain any manner of biosecurity risks that have the potential to devastate Ah! .
our unique environment.
Another banana! (Chuckles) (Clears throat) Righto, then.
Grab your stuff, off you go.
Ashley, make this bloke a memory.
Avante! Have a nibble.
No, thank you.
Go on.
Little bite.
No, I don't want to.
Go on.
Oh (Moans) No.
Yvonne, this is a work environment.
(Gags) Yummy.
(Spits) MAN, ON PA: Please do not leave your baggage unattended Right.
Thank you for your cooperation.
What have we here? Ah! Coconut man.
I'll come and pick you up tonight and we could ride over together.
Tonight? Bridget's surprise birthday party.
Read your emails.
You read my emails? It's 6:45 for a seven o'clock start.
It's for my nephew.
Is it? It's also a federal offense.
Against the wall, please.
Quickly! MAN, ON PA: Attention all passengers What you doing? I am consolidating our record collections into one perfect collection.
How'd it go at the job centre? Ah, it was OK.
There's not really anything to report.
Well, a job's a job.
And a kitchen hand's a kitchen hand.
We do need money for rent.
And my sister's our landlord-lady.
She'll cut us some slack, alright? You keep working on your designs and we'll sort it out.
How? By selling our record collection that we have multiple doubles of.
Oh, no, we're not we're not selling my records.
Well, these are mine and these are yours.
Why do we need two copies? We've got so many.
Just in case.
Oh, can you call Sean about the party sign and the tiki torches? Party sign, tiki torches.
Well, happy birthday.
Here's to a wonderful year.
Because let's face it, it can't get any worse than the last one, right? Mmm.
You know, losing Max and Mmm.
then getting forced into buying that stupid unit.
And now, another birthday where your only date is me - your gay ex-husband.
Well, now I'm depressed.
Hey, at least I remembered your birthday.
Where's the rest of your family? Thank you, Roger, I really appreciate it.
You're welcome.
Just wait till you see what else I've got in store.
(Phone rings) Dying High Funeral Fireworks, Sean speaking.
Hey, it's me.
Can you get the tiki torches for tonight? Dan, I'm at work, mate.
And you work at a hardware store.
That's why I'm asking.
OK, correction.
I work inside a hardware store, alright, mate? Not for it.
Big difference.
Can you go and get the tiki torches? Mate, I'm working, OK? Which is more than I can say for you.
I'm looking for work, Sean.
You don't have to look far.
I've already made you a generous offer.
Yeah, I'm not working for you.
We can talk about this when you come in for the torches.
I'll give you a formal interview.
Can't you just bring them, Sean? Already established that, mate.
No, I cannot.
(Groans) Sean! Sean! Brenda! Is that a new haircut? No.
Really? Well, you're doing something different and it's killing me here.
It's it's setting off fire alarms in my heart.
Look at this girl! You are literally killing us, literally! Unbelievable! That'll buy us another week or so.
Booyakasha! Sean Moody.
So sorry for your loss.
Thanks for coming in at this difficult time.
Take a seat.
This wasn't part of the birthday plan.
Yeah, OK, I just have to drop off these contracts.
Well, can you hurry? We've got a schedule to keep.
Hello, Bridget.
Oh, hey, Matt.
You be buying today, or are you just here to see me? (Chuckles) Shut up.
Hey, Matt.
Roger, Bridget's ex.
I love your suit.
Um, thank you.
(Chuckles) Hey, so, listen, we're having a bit of a party for Bridget tonight.
It's her birthday.
About 7:30 tonight.
Can you come? Oh, that's Yeah! That would be Yeah.
It'd be great to have you there.
Thank you.
Ah, your schedule, remember? Yes.
Great chatting to you, Matt.
And you, Roger.
Happy birthday, Bridge.
He's cute.
Not gay.
Mate, you don't have a job.
Just take the interview, OK? What are you, scared? Alright, fine.
Why do you want to work here? Excuse me, where's the paint section? Do I look like I work here? I just thought with the Oh, you just thought with the Just leave, please.
What are you after? Ceiling white.
Yeah, don't get it from here, it's a rip-off.
Scotty! Flat acrylic ceiling white, back of the van.
Just follow this gentleman, sir, he'll take care of all your needs.
Sorry about that.
Interview starts now.
(Bell dings) Why do you wanna work at Dying High Funeral Fireworks? I don't.
Come on, mate.
I love packing dead people's ashes into canisters and firing them into the sky.
Excellent answer! That's exactly what we do here.
Did you bring any references? No.
No references? No.
Well, I didn't exactly have time to prepare a dossier.
No, mate, you didn't prepare anything.
Now, I'm a small business owner, OK? I need to ascertain from your previous employment records whether you can deliver, what are your competencies, whether you have a commitment to occupational health and safety What about you? You're my brother.
Conflict of interest.
Do you have a criminal record? No.
(Bell dings) Incorrect.
I seem to remember a little matter of a lawnmower theft.
Your lawnmower that I was helping you get back.
Mate, the details don't interest me.
What interests me is that you've lied to me, a potential employer, in a formal interview situation.
I'm gonna go.
OK, alright, you've got the job.
You've got the job.
But side note, your interview skills are terrible.
I don't want the job.
Yes, you do.
Scotty, give him your shirt.
Come on, permanent bro time.
It's gonna be awesome! Welcome aboard.
I'll see you at the party.
Come on, Dan.
Is that a new tat? Yeah.
Nick's brother did it.
Oh, mate, it's shithouse! Can I interest you in our wine list? Ah, no, thanks.
Oh, go on.
Have a glass.
It's your birthday.
I'm fine.
Go on.
I really don't feel like a drink.
Please? No.
Just, can you There's something in the wine list.
Oh, my goodness, two tickets to Guys and Dolls! Today! What? Wow.
I told you there'd be a few surprises today.
Is there a surprise party at my house tonight? Well No.
Dan and Cora are setting it up right now.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You're in charge of looking after me so I don't go home early and ruin the surprise! How did you know that? I didn't until now.
(Laughs) Don't worry, I'll act surprised.
Can we still go to Guys and Dolls? Guess we've got to pass the time somehow.
UP-BEAT ROCK SONG (Both laugh) We've got a bloke at work who's fallen on the hard times.
He lives in his car too.
Not a car, Terry.
Well, at least you've only got the one dwelling to worry about.
Terry and I are back and forth between ours all the time.
It's exhausting! Especially since we don't get much sleep.
I don't think they need to know that.
Do you want some? Yeah, thanks.
No, Terry! Hungry! No.
I just want a bit of cheese.
You know the rules.
Either doing this together or not.
Please! You said you were gonna do it.
Just have a pickled onion.
I'm just gonna see if Sean wants a hand.
OK, darl.
Things are going well then? Oh, well, it's a work in progress, Maree, but we're very happy.
Gimme that.
Hang on.
No, no.
No, no, don't do Whoa, whoa! Tez, Tez, Tez, Tez.
Seanie, she is driving me knackers.
Who is? Yvonne.
Well She's like she's all over me like some kind of itchy-eyed succubus, multi-headed, snake-faced Medusa head.
I feel like a field mice in a lubed-up bathtub.
Just trying to get out and I can't breathe.
I'm hearing you mate.
Get rid of her.
What? Oh, mate, get rid of her! What? I can't do that.
Can't you? I'm glad you've said something 'cause I've been meaning to talk to you about this for a while.
She is way below your pay grade.
She knows it, I know it, everyone's bloody thinking it.
You're only saying that because she doesn't like you.
Everyone likes me.
I'm talking about you.
You're gold, mate.
You're better than this.
She's got you riding a bike.
A bicycle.
Everyone's laughing at you, mate.
And not in a good way.
No, that's not funny.
You need to get in there, you need to cut it off and you need to get your life back.
I'm gonna do that.
Go in there now, get rid of her.
I'm gonna go in there and give her the full Cut it off like a bandaid and just You'll still have a great night.
Scab it.
Let's g No, hang on.
Tez It's time to bite the bullet, Seanie, and I'm going to go and do it.
I'm proud of you.
I've never dumped anyone.
Oh I have always been the dumpee.
Sean, you know, I'm a hunter.
I target my prey.
I wear them down.
Yeah, you're a romantic terminator.
These are foreign waters, my young seaman.
The hunter is being hunted.
Mate, don't even worry about it.
That's the secret.
You don't dump her, you get her to dump you! How do I do that? Just act like a complete and utter dickhead till she can't take it anymore.
Have you seen the look in her eye? I'd have to be one massive dickhead.
Mate, stick with me.
I guarantee before the night's through, you'll be single.
She's here! Everyone hide.
To be continued.
And concluded.
KEVIN: OK, quiet.
MARIE: She's coming! She's coming! ALL: Surprise! (All cheer, applaud) It's amazing, you look really surprised! I'm not 40.
What? Yes, you are.
No, I'm not, Roger.
No, she's not.
Oh, good one, Sean.
Don't shoot the sign maker.
She looks 40 to me.
She's 39! I'm 38! God, Mum! Of course you are! Oh, 38? Alright, then.
Well, I'm 21.
She's 38! Spot on, Bridge.
Thanks, Dad.
This was a waste of money, wasn't it? (Knocking) ROGER: Come on, Bridgie! Go away! Look on the bright side.
You've got two bonus years you never knew you had! You thought you were 40 I never thought I was 40! But you know what I mean.
It's a second chance! Come on, darling, it was a mistake.
Don't let it ruin the night.
I've got a drink for you.
Don't worry, I've got a little exotic surprise for her later.
That should cheer her up.
Did you hire a stripper? What? No! Exotic dancer.
There's a big difference.
Definitely not.
I was joking.
It's Yeah, I'll cancel.
Just Hey! There she is.
Happy birthday! Hey, I was gonna ask you, I know rent's due tomorrow, but I've actually got a bit of a cash flow glitch this week, so Yeah.
We were just wondering if we could pay it next week.
No worries.
Is that OK? Yeah! Thanks.
I think it's only 15% interest that accrues on late payment, so whenever you get it just let me know and we'll calculate what you owe.
Oh, God, there's Amy.
Excuse me.
Uh She's really gonna cut us some slack with the whole rent thing.
Look, look, look, look, look! I'd love a drink.
Well, what am I, your bloody slave-y man or something? Get it yourself, woman.
No, I'll get it.
I was just seeing if you wanted one.
Oh, actually, yeah, that'd be good.
I was just Why? 'Cause you're an alc? Why? 'Cause I'm an alcoholic or something? Yeah.
I can't say Bugger off you, ya ya foothead! What's got into him? Him? Oh, you know Terry, he's a freak.
You could do a lot better than him.
Could I? Oh, big time! Like who? Well, plenty of fish in the sea.
Really? Yeah.
Like what kind of fish? Oh, whatever you're after.
Mackerel, grouper, big game fish.
Well, what kind of fish are you? Me? Mmm.
If you're thinking me, I think you're probably gonna need a bigger boat.
I mean, I'd go there maybe on a rough night, but, you know I don't like you, Sean.
No, well Everybody likes me.
And I don't think that your uncle would take too kindly to you cracking onto his girlfriend.
I wasn't! (Yelps) What happened to your face? What? What's wrong with it? It's gone all blotchy.
Oh, no, no, no, it hasn't, darling, it's fine.
There's nothing wrong with it.
Roger? Roger! What kind of professional exotic dancer doesn't carry a phone with them? I don't know.
In their bag or their costumes? Yeah, I'm doing it.
What do you mean it's not authentic? Hey, you made it! Yeah, yeah.
So, I've missed the surprise.
Oh, I'm surprised.
Where is that birthday girl? Oh That is another great suit.
No, it's the same one I had on earlier, mate.
No! It's Yeah.
Well, it must be the outdoor light versus the indoor light.
Roger, what is going on with my face? Matt, what are you doing here? Oh, I came to say happy birthday, but back to your face.
What is going on there? Oh, it's nothing.
We had a treatment.
Let me get you a drink.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Here's to fine threads.
And friendship.
(Laughter) You're kidding me? You actually talked Terry into getting a bike.
Yes, that's right.
I thought he didn't like cyclists.
He's always going on about them holding up traffic.
Whoa! Oh, taxi! Careful! Whoa! What do you What? I'm just having a good time, woman, hey? Oh, Jesus.
Oh, look, I'll get that.
Oh! Terry! Num, num, num! Terry! Someone's got the testosterone flowing tonight.
Hey? Come here.
No! You're all wet and sexy.
I want Ooh! Just just stop it! Give us a kiss.
Oh baby.
Oh, sweetheart.
Oh! Oh, you (Both laugh) Oh! (Laughs) Oh, you foxy man.
Oh, you foxy man! (Laughs) BOTH: Mmm! Oh, that's Oh, yeah.
Oh, you're a foxy man.
Oh, you're a fox Ah! (Both laugh) (Slurs indistinctly) It was mine.
Whoo! Ring-a-ding-ding! You big boy.
Yeah, g'day, I'd like to make a booking for this evening, please.
Yes, a house call if possible.
MATT: Looks alright from here.
Do you mind? Not at all.
Happy birthday.
You know, it's really not that bad.
Are you kidding? My entire family thinks I'm 40.
I was talking about your face.
Don't move.
That's it.
And There we go.
Maybe I should just put a bag over my head.
Or you could just stay like that for the rest of the night, silhouetted.
You'll be fine.
I haven't got lady fingers.
You do.
They're long.
I need to wee.
Get changed.
Get changed.
Quick, quick, quick.
Hey, Tez, I have got the solution to your little problem.
I don't have a problem.
Yes, you do, mate.
But I've sorted it.
And you are going to have a problem if you don't stop your cracking on, Mr Big Game Fisherman.
Well, it's done.
It's done.
Alright? Wheels are in motion and you'll thank me for it tomorrow.
Sean, I need to ask you a favour.
Do you, mate? Good on you.
Can you spot me a couple of hundred until next week? Sorry, are you talking to me? I'll pay you back.
Whoa! What happened to, uh Whoo-hoo! What happened to, 'I don't need money that badly.
I'm a hip, inner-city photographer! Cor blimey!' We owe Bridget some money and Cora doesn't get paid until next week.
Can't help you, mate.
Why? You're unemployed, Daniel.
I'm not really into taking on bad debts.
Unless you accept my magnanimous job offer and maybe - maybe - we can pull some strings and give you an advance on future earnings.
But that's the best I can do, mate.
Take it or leave it.
Fine, I'll take the job.
Really? Yes.
Congratulations! That is awesome! I'll cut you a cheque tomorrow.
Hey, hey, hey, come on.
Mate, I'm your boss now.
A little enthusiasm wouldn't go astray.
Well, thank you, Sean for the incredible career opportunity.
Now let's lose the sarcasm and try again.
(Clears throat) Say 'I won't let you down'.
I'm not going to say Say 'I won't let you down'.
I won't let you down.
Scotty, shirt.
Quick! Oh, here.
Nice! You better not.
(Groans) OK, birthday cake! (All cheer) Where's Bridge? (Belches) Oksana? Lover boy! What are you doing here? I have come to fix your little problem.
Oh, no, no, no, not good.
This bad.
You have to go now.
(Speaks in Russian) I might be hairy, but, no, I'm not.
Terry! Oh, sweetie.
Oh, this is an old friend, Oksana.
This must be your little problem.
Little problem? If you don't let go of that tuft of chest hair, it'll be more than a little problem.
Oksana She was just leaving.
(Giggles) (Speaks in Russian) Oh You think I haven't been insulted in Russian before? I've been verbally abused in over 40 languages, sweetheart, by people a lot more intimidating than you.
I had a dream like this.
So, guess who actioned the plan and found himself a job? Here? At this party? Yeah.
I'm gonna take the job with Sean.
Hey, guys, have you seen Matt? Ah, no.
Sorry, Rog.
I'll keep looking.
I know it's a bit of a sideways step, but I've You know, job's a job.
So That is not a job.
I mean, he gets dead people's ashes and puts them into fireworks (Women scream) Don't! (All exclaim) Step away from the escort! (All shout over each other) Get off me! I've got friends in offshore processing.
You're gone! You crazy Australian animal! Oksana, just go! Oh, what, Uncle Tez? You've got a history with Russian prostitutes? Escorts.
What the hell is going on? Clearly he's not the man you thought he was, Yvonne.
You don't deserve this.
This is all your fault, Sean.
I-I never asked for your help! Help with what? Well, you were never going to do it! Do what?! Look, let's just let's not worry about it, OK? It's Bridget's 40th.
He wants to break up with you.
But he doesn't know how to do it, so Is that true? No! No, no, no, of course not.
He invited her! Right? I had no idea.
Do you want to break up with me? No.
Definitely not.
Come on, Tez.
Tell the truth! Man up, mate! Yeah, man up, mate! Well, I did, but that was, like, a couple of hours ago, and I feel a bit different You're a coward, Terry Moody.
You're no better than that man who strapped exotic birds to his wife and then pretended he didn't even know who she was.
What, actual birds? Yeah.
They drug 'em first.
Really? They drug 'em for the whole flight? I think so.
Tez, they drug 'em, don't they? Tez? Tez? Tez, do they drug 'em? Tez? He doesn't know.
Tez? Uncle Tez? Love Love anyone but don't mean it Sharpen your swords on their feet (Matt and Bridget giggle) Grief all the time (Bridget giggles) (Bridget sighs) (Shrieks) Roger! Busted! You are busted! Oh, give us a sec, Rog.
Oh, no, don't think you can worm your way back into my good books, Matt.
Any chance we had is gone! I'm I'm gonna go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, get out of here before I really lose my temper! Oh, and by the way, that's a terrible suit.
Some cheap, polyester-looking thing! Hey, where are you going, Bridget? Get back here! Bridget! You knew I had my eye on him.
He's not interested in you, Roger.
He was till you threw yourself at him! Oh, for God's sake.
Just because it's your birthday doesn't mean you (Knocking) Vonnie? SEAN: Terry Who are you? Hey, I'm Rod.
What's this? Oh.
Yeah, I tried to call and cancel but Yeah.
What's this you say? Everyone's got a part to play Some Some days are just dark But what's this you say? Everyone's got a part to play It tears me apart.
Ready for a romantic Easter weekend away? CORA: With your entire family.
I'd love nothing more than to take Cora to the beach all day.
OK, I'd feel a bit weird about that.
Can you buy us a case of beer? We're talking a cool hunjie, my friend.
Compliments from the gentleman.
He looks a little bit creepy.
Clive Carlisle, Australian Cruising Driver's Club.
Double trouble! How many have you got back there? Ermp, ermp! (Horn honks) Can you stop that, please? Ermp, ermp! Watch out! Whoa! I think I'm having one of those epiphinayonic moment thingies.
Yeah, Cora! Come on, mate, bros before hos.
Haven't you done enough?!