The Neighborhood (2018) s04e05 Episode Script

Welcome To Your Match

1 Oh, hey, guys.
How are you feeling - after that wild wedding last night? - Ooh.
Hungover and headachy, queasy.
Damn, I had a good time.
- (MUTTERS) - (LAUGHS) TINA: Oh, hey, Suraya.
We were just talking about your son's wedding.
Oh, you Indian folks sure know how to party.
- Ooh! - You know, I think I threw my hip out when your granny and I were dirty dancing.
CALVIN: Uh, Dave, I don't think anybody would call what you were doing "dancing.
" Forget "Baby.
" Somebody should've put you in a corner.
(LAUGHING) Okay, you know, I don't care what you say.
I had the time of my life.
Well, these sweet laddoos are my way of saying - "Thank you for coming.
" - Oh.
Ooh, well, don't mind if I laddoo.
(LAUGHS) Hey, Suraya, uh, you're a professional matchmaker.
You know, you think you can match up my boys? Oh, Malcolm and Marty would never go for a matchmaker.
Butler men like to hunt for their own meat.
I-I mean, women.
I mean, whatever's not offensive.
I matched all my own sons.
Even this one married a beautiful lawyer, and he's into anime cosplay.
She's gorgeous.
Wait a minute.
This woman married a dude dressed as a lizard? I'm very good at what I do.
Well, "very good" usually means very expensive.
Well, how about, since you fixed up our transmission, I fix up your boys? - Okay.
Thank you, Suraya.
- (LAUGHS) - You bet.
I'll see you soon.
- You got it.
I don't know, Tina.
I got a feeling this thing is gonna blow up just like her old transmission.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
So, Malcolm and Marty have no idea that I'm here to find them wives? Nope.
Think of it like a timeshare presentation.
First, we lure them in with my famous berry cobbler.
And then, wham! We trap them with a lifetime commitment.
Hey, hey.
Is the food ready? 'Cause we're ready! (LAUGHS) Oh, we got cobbler.
Oh, we got company.
- (LAUGHS) Hey, Ms.
- Hello.
Why did you make all of our favorite foods? Oh, no.
You're not trying to sell us supplements again? Your mother thought you could use some help meeting that someone special.
Um, are y'all trying to hook one of us up with Ms.
Suraya? Don't you think she's a little too old? I prefer "seasoned.
" And you should be so lucky.
- Mm - Um Suraya is a professional matchmaker.
Well, thanks, but I'm good.
In fact, I canceled a date just to be here.
Okay, well, Marty? This cobbler's great.
- I'm interested.
- Yeah! - Yes! - Of course you are.
- It's the magic of the cobbler.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, that, and whatever I'm doing isn't working.
I need a date for my ten-year high school reunion.
And I'm not gonna be the only single guy there again.
It'll be like prom night all over.
So, Ms.
Suraya, sign me up.
- Okay.
- Oh! Thank you, Jesus! There's hope for grandbabies yet.
Just have a girl first, and then you can have whatever you want.
Hey, honey.
How was your day? - Long.
- Oh.
Mine, too.
We've been working way too hard lately.
Yeah, I know.
I mean, I don't even remember the last time we sat on this couch together.
Well, you're here now.
We can finally catch up.
- So tell me, how was your day? - Mom - Well - Dad.
I just remembered I didn't do my book report on Tom Sawyer.
Okay, well, when's it due? Tomorrow.
Oh, no.
I'll help you.
Where's the book? The library.
Come on, Grover.
Sorry, hon.
We'll catch up this weekend.
- Hey, Suraya! - (LAUGHING) So, did you find Marty a wife yet? It's been 24 hours.
Come in.
Tina, Marty's a major project.
Give the lady another 20 minutes, okay? I have chosen a special group of women, and these are their biodatas.
They are like headshots and résumés in one.
Okay, well, you got anybody in there that can cook? 'Cause I need somebody to make me some crab cakes for a change.
And I need somebody that's into sports.
Any of these ladies come with the NFL package? Oh, Marty doesn't care about that.
The boy tried to dribble a football.
I checked for astrological compatibility, and I ran background checks to make sure they're not psycho.
And this is my top pick.
(LAUGHING) Fatemeh Samuel.
Oh, she's Ethiopian, and she's an interior designer.
- Very nice.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, she's also very, very nice looking.
Back off of Marty's future wife.
You know what? I I-I kind of like this girl better.
Asha Patel.
Says she makes six figures, and she works for Jet Blue.
Can somebody say companion pass? Welcome to the family, Asha.
- Please, I have a process here.
- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER) This is much more complicated than it seems.
Wait, wait.
I found the winner.
This one just graduated, and she's a doctor.
- Mm.
- Now I can stop googling - every time I sneeze.
- (LAUGHS) - Did you say "just graduated"? - Yeah.
No, she probably still got medical school loans.
We can't let her mess up our credit.
- That's a good point.
- Yeah, no, no.
- We don't want - Excuse me! Excuse me.
Why don't you leave this to a professional? Yes? Yeah, Malcolm.
What you got over here? Let me see that.
Wait, wait, wait.
What's wrong with her? What's wrong with her? What's wrong with you? - What? - Look at those ears.
That's nothing that a haircut can't fix.
Uh, Ma, just because Marty likes hobbits don't mean he want to date one.
TINA: All right.
This one is not so bad.
- Okay.
- No.
Do you think we can get her to trim her mustache? Oh Suraya, do ? - Suraya? - Damn.
Did Suraya leave without saying goodbye? Well, that's just rude.
How do I look? Like a steamy, hot cup of coffee that just woke me up.
I decided to turn the heat up a notch since we haven't had a date night in a while.
Well, I think you broke the thermometer.
Maybe you didn't hear me.
Ew! (SCOFFS) I hope the sitter gets here soon.
The restaurant only gives a 15-minute grace period.
Well, you can go.
Don't worry.
I'm old enough to watch myself.
Just leave your credit card, you know, for emergencies.
Oh, yeah, sure, and why don't we leave the door open, and the keys on the table? And I'll unlock the liquor cabinet, too.
You could have just said "no," Dad.
(PHONE CHIMES) No, no, no, no, no, no! The sitter just canceled! Donna? Why? Her boyfriend broke up with her.
- Oh, not Troy.
- Uh-huh.
He was the star quarterback.
Well, what happened? Something about them not spending enough time together.
Great! Let's have a Monopoly marathon.
I call the shoe! Ugh.
- I'm gonna go put on my PJs.
- Yeah.
I'll go unlock the liquor cabinet.
TINA: Marty is going to be so upset.
How do we tell him that his matchmaker quit? I was going to tell him like this.
Marty, your matchmaker quit.
(MUTTERS) Wow, Pop.
You are all heart.
Just full of compassion over there.
Look, I'm just saying, back in my day, you didn't need a matchmaker.
If you liked a girl, you told her friend.
Her friend would let you know if she liked you.
Then, y'all would meet at the lockers in the hallway or something like that.
What I'm saying is that it was simple.
(LAUGHS) Guys, I was just on Suraya's website, and she has a 99% success rate.
I'm definitely bringing a plus-one to my ten-year reunion, and I'm gonna have two kids for my 20th.
Y'all smell smoke? Tina I'm gonna help Mama put that fire out.
You know, son, it's, um, never wise to put all your faith in one person.
- Oh, no.
No, you're right.
- Yeah.
Which is why I'm only putting 99% of our faith in her, okay? Yeah.
About that.
Um, Suraya she, uh Did she find my match already? Well, the truth is, we haven't heard from her.
Okay, well, I'll just call her to check in.
Okay, Marty, hold on.
Look, um, the honest truth is, she quit.
What? Why? I don't know.
Probably something your mama said.
You know her, you know how she is.
Yeah, well, I'll never meet my girl.
What are you talking about? Of course you will.
Dad, you don't get it.
You met Mom when you were in your early 20s.
You don't know what it's like to be my age and still dating.
I'm tired of getting dressed up and paying for dinners for it all to go nowhere.
Well, son, I told you before, you should start with coffee dates.
Huh? Look, Marty, you're gonna meet someone, all right? You're an amazing dude.
Oh, yeah? Then why am I still single, living with my brother, next door to my parents? Damn.
That sounds like the saddest blues song ever.
Well, I'm gonna head home and get under my weighted blanket so I know what it feels like to be cuddled.
I was wrong.
That sounded like the saddest blues song ever.
Well, how did Marty take the news? Not well.
I think we're gonna have to fill in for Suraya.
Otherwise, in a few days, Marty might be married to a blanket.
What about two weeks from Friday? Oh, we can't.
We have to meet our accountant.
- Ugh.
- What about the Saturday after that? Grover's swim team awards ceremony.
Well, I guess we'll just have to wait a month for our next date night.
You know, I was really looking forward to spending some one-on-one time with you.
I don't want to lose the spice in our relationship.
Me, either, but at this rate, we're not gonna have a date night till after Grover goes to college.
Or the military, 'cause he's going somewhere.
You know, maybe it's not about planning alone time.
Maybe it's about taking advantage of the moments that we do have together.
Oh, can you grab some salsa? (SPEAKING SPANISH) (WITH SPANISH ACCENT): Are you alone? No, I'm with my husband.
Dave, what are you doing? Dave? Who is this Dave? I have never heard of any Dave.
My name is Señor Victor Gonzalez.
(LAUGHS QUIETLY) And I am a spy who has just met the hottest woman that I have ever seen in my entire life.
(LAUGHS) And I heard you are looking for some spice.
(LAUGHS) You're so silly, Dave.
Dave? Again, I do not know who this "Dave" is.
You may call me Victor.
And you are? I'm Ginger.
Ginger Teagarten a brilliant archeologist, who's only in town for one night before flying off to Egypt in search of the lost ark.
Well, Dr.
Teagarten, I need to make sure that you are not stealing government secrets.
So I'm afraid I'm going to need to, uh, strip-search you.
But I only have 30 minutes before I'm expected back at the museum.
- This is not a problem, Dr.
- Oh? That is 25 more minutes than I will need.
Let's go.
I don't know why we're feeding all these people when the only woman that matters is the one that I chose.
We had to make it look like a mixer, so the women don't know that they're here to compete for a date with Marty.
Um, and I think it's good that he thinks he has lots of choices before he realizes that my girl is best.
Right, 'cause I'm sure what Marty's looking for is a girl picked out by his mama and daddy.
Now, trust me, the lady I selected she gonna win, hands down.
Oh, you look sharp.
(LAUGHS) Oh, look at you, baby.
You look so extremely handsome, except those eyebrows.
- I don't know what is going on there.
- Okay.
All right.
- Let me just put them - Okay, come on.
No, no, no.
I'm just trying to hook him up.
- Okay.
- All right, son, there's plenty of women here.
- All right, look around.
- Yeah.
And then you make your choice.
- Okay.
- Starting with that one.
All right, I'm going in.
- Wish me luck.
- Oh, yeah.
(QUIETLY): Tippy toe.
I mean, they keep winning, but they're not gaining any ground.
I mean, the team is hitting, but the problem is the bullpen.
And they need to sit Jansen.
His ERA is like a zip code.
(LAUGHS) I-I have no idea what any of that means.
Give her a chance, son, all right? She has season tickets to the Dodgers.
(CLEARS THROAT) Well, Lindsey, I do hope they get those bulls back in their pen.
- (BOTH LAUGH) - That was All right.
You look a little thirsty.
There's a nice girl over by the punch bowl.
Oh, actually, is there some coconut water? Just go! So, "Pasadena's only musical baker.
" What does that even mean? - Well, let me show you.
- Oh, okay.
I add flour and butter and sprinkle sugar on top Zing goes the oven in my karaoke cake shop.
- Marty, meet Ariel.
- Oh, it's the bachelor.
Well, I got to admit, she is pretty.
She all right.
Ooh, here's the bachelor! Dope or nope? What do you think, Ariel Nation? Leave your comments below.
Girl, who are you talking to? My 200,000 followers.
Ariel is an influencer, Okay? (LAUGHS) Yeah.
She's also a thrill seeker.
She's bungee jumping Yosemite Falls next week.
You should come! Girl, I would love to.
I mean, uh, you-you should go.
Y-Yeah, 'cause that's how this works.
(MARTY CHUCKLES) Uh, uh, well, my two biggest fears are heights and drowning, so no thanks.
Uh, adventure sports are a really big part of my life.
Yeah, well, you know, I look both ways on a one-way street.
(LAUGHS) Well, it was nice meeting you.
What? Uh Well, I think Ariel is great, okay? I would pick her.
(CLEARS THROAT) I mean, he should pick her, okay? I'm-a go talk to him.
Marty? Marty? Well, did he leave? People keep leaving without saying "goodbye.
" It's rude.
I'm starting to think it's a societal issue.
Grover is finally asleep.
Honey, today you have shown me two things.
We'll never lose our spice - because you keep things interesting.
- (CHUCKLES) And the backseat of our Prius is way bigger than I thought.
See? Aren't you glad we sprung for the leather seats? Mm-hmm.
Well, if you ever bump into Victor Gonzales again, tell him he has an open invite to visit Dr.
Ginger in Luxor.
Really? Mm-hmm.
- I'll let him know.
- Good.
(SPANISH ACCENT): Buenas noches, señorita.
- It is I, Victor Gonzalez.
- Mm.
I have traveled a great distance, - but I'm afraid I must strip-search you again.
- (GASPS) (WITH ACCENT): Again? Well, if you must, señor.
Ooh, I must, Dr.
You see, you might be smuggling contraband.
- Mom? Dad? - Mm.
I can't sleep.
Can I watch some TV? (WITH SPANISH ACCENT): Of course you can, but (CLEARS THROAT) (NORMAL VOICE): Come on, buddy.
Of course.
Come sit down.
All right.
So, uh, who's Dr.
Ginger? Marty, what are you doing out here? (SIGHS) Mama, I don't have anything in common with any of those girls.
Baby, we're sorry.
We just wanted to help you find a great match.
Yeah, well, you did.
We did? Which one? No, I meant, you found the perfect matches for yourselves.
Lindsey is into the Dodgers, like Dad.
And Denise is into singing and baking, like Mom.
And Ariel is really into Malcolm.
TINA: You know, baby, you're right.
We were too focused on looking for the qualities that we like.
Instead of those that appeal to you.
Yeah, well, on the bright side, you did help me figure out what I don't want.
You know, sure, it would be nice to take someone to my reunion, but after tonight, I realize I want what you two have.
And instead of rushing it, I'm I'm willing to wait until I find the right girl.
Well, you do that, you know, because I get it now, you know? These little heifers out here are something else.
- Ah.
- Yeah.
But what I do know when that special someone finds you, she is going to be a very lucky woman.
Well, I can't wait to meet her.
- (LAUGHS SOFTLY) - Don't worry, son.
She's out there.
Just not in that car.
(WITH NEW YORK ACCENT): Uh pardon me.
You are one of the most attractive women that I have ever seen in my entire life.
Do I know you? You do not.
But your mother's gonna love me.
Well, thank you, but I've got to get to court.
I've got a big case to try.
Uh, wicked.
- You're a lawyer? - Mm.
'Cause I got a record.
Okay, Dave, this isn't working for me.
Go back to Victor.
Okay, all right, um (WITH SPANISH ACCENT): Buenas noches, señorita.
Victor Gonzalez never strays too far away.
- I will see you in the car.
- Okay.
Un momento.
- Dave, eggs aren't sexy.
- (NORMAL VOICE): No, I know.
We're out.
- I need them for the morning.
- Oh.

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