The Real Housewives of D.C. (2010) s01e02 Episode Script
Disloyal to the party
Previsously on The Real Housewife of DC There you go, michaele! - We got a goal.
My husband got a goal.
I'm pretty excited.
- When I have worked in the past With the america's polo cup, Nobody got paid.
- One finger only can open this.
When you have a daughter who shares your same size, You have to take measures into your own hands.
- She's losing weight.
She's in a danger zone.
- Why always pick on the skinny girl? She's like obsessed to talk about me.
Just leave me alone.
- George bush forced everyone to agree.
- I like george bush, you like tyra banks.
You know, it's okay.
- I damn near choked on my food.
I am not a fan.
I've got a few surprises for you.
- You do? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- People think I'm in my 30s, But I am old.
I am really old.
I'm 44.
- Happy birthday.
Look who's here.
- Oh, no way! My heart's beating a little fast.
Did I just say I'm 44? Did I say that out loud? That's the first time I've ever said that.
I'm 44.
- All right, now, hold on.
Hold on.
- Wow! - And you get to pick Anything you want here.
- No! Oh, wow, look it.
I love those, too.
- You get to pick one.
- But maybe two.
Maybe three.
Three at the most.
- Let's see how the champagne goes down, Then we'll decide.
- [gasps.]
no, stop.
Oh, I love these.
- Mmm.
- It was like a candy store.
What about that one? There's another one.
I had it up to three and then four and five.
- That's unique.
- Those are great.
- I know you said one, but this is kind of one.
These are together.
- We started at one, And now are we at five or six, I think? - Hold on, wait a second.
When I said one thing, She said, okay, one purse, one sunglasses, One pair of dinner shoes, one pair of afternoon shoes.
- Okay, these are completely me, too.
That's cute.
Okay, wow, This is the must have for every girl.
- You just can't say no to her.
Well, this is part one of a few parts, So you ready? - Yes, I'm ready.
- I want you to close your eyes now.
Close your eyes.
- Close my eyes? - Close your eyes.
Okay, on three.
One, two, three.
[laughing.]
- Ohh! Wow.
There is a horse.
- Ready? One, two, three.
- Wow.
Oh, my god.
- That's your new pony.
- Wow.
Hello.
I'm not really a rider.
The last time I was on a horse, I was a little girl.
- Do you have an idea what you want to name her? - Sparkle.
- Sparkle? Sparkle! [laughing.]
All right, sparkle.
Sparkle, you got mrs.
Sparkle on top of you.
[laughing.]
Like a big bottle of champagne, always sparkling and bubbling.
Oh, my god, these two are meant for each other.
- Sparkle.
I love you.
Thank you.
Best birthday ever.
I love you.
Thank you.
I have no idea what I did with my list.
- I brought my list.
- Oh, good.
- Here you go.
- Anyone who chooses to be my assistant Has to be a mad person, okay? Kc is not that person.
That's why my son loves her.
Oh, I did schedule another appointment With, uhWith the doctor.
- Yeah, I put it on your calendar.
- Did you see it? - Yeah, you gave me the card.
- Who would really want to be my personal assistant And my daughter-in-law And the mother of my future grandchildren? We really need to keep looking at houses.
- The color of the outside's ugly, But you could paint it.
- Kc, you know what? This give me a stomachache.
- That's the one with the two giant osets, though.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- I'm looking r a house, 'causehe apartment just is not big enough For my family and all their friends.
No, I can't stand that house.
That one you did show me.
- These ones are worse.
- Oh, okay, well, I don't want to see those.
I'm definitely opening up to the idea Of, yoknow, looking in virginia, 'cause this is not enough.
- Yeah, and even though the houses are not right, That location would be good.
- No.
- Not these houses, But different houses in that same space.
- I think that we should, you know, Really look at everything.
- Yeah.
- I do believe that when we find the right house, We'll know it.
[vacuum cleaner whirring.]
- Hola, rosa.
- Hola, mary.
- Oh, rosa! This is Drives me crazy, rosa.
[speaking spanish.]
Since rosa doesn't understand english very well, I speak to her in spanish.
Shampoo the rugs - Okay, mary.
- So lolly moved back home And brought her 150-pound burmese mountain dog.
I don't know what I'm gonna do with that dog.
Kona, come here! Kona.
Kona! Come here, kona.
- My mom's biggest issues with kona Are that she's hairy, Which we really can't get around, 'cause she's a dog.
- It's been a little stressful with the piles of poop And the big tufts of hair in every corner of this house.
Come here, kona.
[whistles.]
Come here, baby.
[claps.]
come here.
Come here.
Come here.
[dog barking.]
Okay, kona.
I love having my daughter home, But having her hairy, pooping dog, I'm having some adjustment issues.
Come here.
[dog barking.]
kona.
Come here.
- You don't know.
- No.
- [laughing.]
- Well, you kn what I'm ke.
I'm not really into polo.
The other thgs I did was I did pinkie swear.
- Okay.
- Let's all pinkie back That we're gonna go horse riding together.
- I pinkie swore that I'd go riding.
- Mom, really! - Yeah.
- Riding? You? - OhMyGosh! You on aorse? - [laughing.]
Can you imagine mum on a horse? [laughter.]
- Catherine! - Darling, how are you? - Mwah.
Good to see you.
So good to see you.
You'd beum, really entertainedo know That I'm supposed to be going horsdi with michaele.
- I didnnow that she rode horses.
I thought she just is ound horses And her husband is a po player.
- Wellapparently, she doesn't, Which makes me think it's really funny, The fact that she made me do a pinkie swear, This kind of really irritating sayinyou guys have, Pinkie swears.
Do you ride? - I haven't been on a horse in while.
- Well, how do you know? I think you should come as well then.
- We went to, um, a few polo matches this summer.
- Hello? Did you hear ? Not gonna let you skim over that as if I didn't even say it.
- Oh, you mean with michaele? - Yeah.
- Cot me in.
- Really? - Absolutely.
- When was the last time you were riding? - Well, I ew up riding.
- Oh, god, forget it then.
Don't bother coming.
So, umSo this is where lolly works, is it? - Lolly works here, yeah.
Here she is.
- Hi, loll.
- Hello.
- How are you? - Good.
Hi.
- Are you in the weeds? - Little bit.
- Little bit? - So what's going on with lolly then? - Well, lolly, um, she was out living on her own For about a year, And she was living with her boyfriend.
That didn't work out, So she's back home with the dog.
And the dog ends up being on my responsibility.
This dog sheds.
- Ohh! - Can you tell I'm a little streed about it? - By the way, you're the mother and it'sour house, So whatever you say goes.
- Well, I try.
- I uld definitely-- I don't know, I'm just looking forward to When my daughters leave home.
[laughing.]
If they're still at home at the age of 23, Then I'm gonna be really upset.
- Metimes they come back.
- Excuse me.
Ti's up.
- Cat's kids are young.
We'll see what she says in about ten years.
- Can I have some more wine, please? No, the wine's there.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Lolly, you're a 23-year-old with a dog, I hear.
- Yeah.
- That sheds a lot of hair.
- Everyone's been talking about her tely.
I don't know why.
- So are you going round the house at night, Clearing up all her hair? - Sure.
- Really? - Sure thing.
- Can I put a little lie detector test onou? [laughing.]
Good luck with your dog walking, And good luck with the dog hair llection.
- Cat was bossy when was working.
You wouldn't want people coming to your job And being rude as hell to you.
- Unbelievable.
I just saw how much of a tip you left her.
You're such a spoiling mummy, And then you want toomplain about How she comes back with a dog? If you leave her a tip like tt, She'll walk all ov you for the rest of your life now.
That's it.
I think mary's so sweet, But she gets taken advantage of.
- Cat and I have different approaches to parenting.
We're different.
- You've made your bed, darling.
- I just don't want to hear about it.
But she was straight up rude.
- What's going on with tareq? Um, what's happening with tareq? How is he? - We had a great birthday.
He spoiled me.
- Oh, he did? What did he get you? - Shoes and jewelry and It was fun.
And a horse.
- You got a new horse? - Yeah.
Sparkle.
- Sparkle's your horse? - Sparkle's my horse.
- I love that name.
That's awesome.
- How's your mom? - She's good.
My mom's good.
Um, she's looking for-- I told her you were doing my birthday party.
- Okay, so who are we inviting? - Who do we invite? - Let's invite all the girls.
- You know what's more interesting? Who do we not invite? Who do we purposely leave off the list? Hmm.
- You're not like that.
- That's fun.
- Paul can definitely count on me To give him the best birthday ever with no drama.
- So should we have the party at a bar, at a club? You want to do it at your house, or what do you want to do? - Whatever.
- Well, let's think about it.
Think about what you really want to do.
I'd love to share my birthday with you.
I promised to have people over to dinner next Sunday.
- Right, hon.
- And the reality is that I don't have time to do dinner.
- Okay.
- So I was thinking About having them come to aunt frances'.
- What? - Well, that way, I don't have to cook, And, you know, the food is slamming, And you know it's an experience.
Sunday dinner over there, so I thought it'd be fun.
- At aunt frances' house.
- I don't believe that any of your friends really know you Until they have seen your family, So they need to see where I came from.
I was thinking mary, lynda, cat.
- Oh, lord have mercy.
- You know what, obama? You've just gone right down in my estimations, you know? - It'll be a little different for 'em.
- A little different to say the least.
- They are going to see a down-home black family Sunday-style dinner.
- You think there'll be any misbehaving over there? - It just is what it is.
I mean, that's my family.
You know, you get what you get, And you never know what you gonna get.
- Shh I mean, hey, You know, let's, uh Let's get real with 'em.
I mean, you know.
You let me know what happens with that.
- Hey there, cat.
How are you? It's stacie.
Cat better not step out there With that english perceived-as-rude, But-trying-not-to-be mess, 'cause they will call her out in a second.
So anyway, give me a call.
Let me know if you are free next Sunday.
Talk to you soon.
Bye.
- This is tysons corner, And my grandfather had an option to buy All of this land, And he passed it up, Because he didn't want to be so close to the city.
[laughs.]
Can you imagine? Cat and I decided it would be fun To take michaele up on her offer To come out and ride horses.
- So how did you meet michaele? - She was a makeup artist For trish mcevoy cosmetics at our mall in nordstrom.
- So she used to do your makeup? - She did.
- [laughing.]
- Oh, yes.
Michaele has definitely changed her station in life.
Wow, this is gorgeous.
- It is.
Look at our hosts.
[laughing.]
- Hi, guys.
- Hey! They're here.
- We made it.
- Oh, my gosh.
Hi, friends.
- How are you? - I thought we were just showing up For a casual afternoon in the country.
Well, no, it was definitely a show.
You're not in jeans.
- I had jeans, and then, uh - You're in jodhpurs.
Michaele was in her perfectly coifed Riding jodhpurs and boots, And we were told the dress code was gonna be jeans.
- You know, I'm with all the riders all the time.
- That's right.
- I think mary and cat were a little upset, But I am the wife of a rider, So I need to look the part at least.
- You just don't ride.
You just have a pair of jodhpurs.
- I just have that look.
- She wore the jodhpurs Even when we played against prince charles, And everyone thought she was gonna ride, But just cheering us on from the sidelines.
All right, so how many years has it been Since you've been on a horse, either one of you? - I grew up riding, but You know, it's kind of like a bike.
Yeah.
- It's just like a bike.
- When's the last time you were on a horse, michaele? - Uh, yesterday.
- You just lie.
You told me that you don't ride, but you ride.
- Well, I don't ride, But tareq gave me a horse for my birthday.
- Yeah, she got a horse for her birthday.
She got sparkle.
[both laughing.]
- I think it's just ironic, the fact that you're married To a polo player and you don't ride.
- Yeah.
- We're gonna do some lessons together.
Uh, are you ready for that? - I am ready.
- Awesome.
- You got me here.
- All right, let's go.
- All right! - Let's do it.
- Polo is a luxury sport.
You have to have a lot of money To support that activity.
- Okay, so here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna first demonstrate How to do a half-swing shot, Walking towards the ball.
- We're gonna hit a ball before we've ridden? - Duh! - So, everyone, just line up in front of me right here.
All right, cat.
- Come on, now.
Let's go.
Good boy.
- This is great.
- The horse that was assigned to me for the day Was called uncle buck.
He was very calm.
In fact, I thought he might have had a valium before he met me.
Look at this.
Just can't stop him.
- Giddy-up, uncle buck.
- Half swing.
- Oh! - Oops! - It's okay.
- Swing and a miss.
- Okay, michaele, you're next.
Shorten your reins.
- Shorten my reins? - This way.
Okay, come to this ball here.
- Can I go to that one? - Okay, go to that one.
[laughter.]
Sweetheart, ball's over here, baby.
- I know I know nothing about horseback riding, And I was just, like, boppin' along.
- Hit that ball.
Walk.
Hey! Back shot! - [laughing.]
- You just can't dress that way and ride that way.
You're gonna look like a fool.
- All right, mary, you're up.
- That's right.
- Okay, mallet back.
Mallet back.
Lower, lower.
Well done, well done.
One more time.
- Can we have a bit of a ride? - Well done! - Whoo! - Good boy.
He has got some energy after all.
- Whoo! - Water, uncle buck.
- You guys did an awesome job.
Well done.
High-five, everyone.
Well done, well done.
- I was actually surprised by myself, Because I had really good fun.
- Now are you ready for the best part? You ready for some glasses of wine? Do some wine-tasting? All right, ladies.
We've got some barrel-fermented chardonnay here.
- Oh, yay! - I was looking forward to trying out tareq's wine From his vineyard.
- What a great day of polo, and - What are we drinking? - Well, this is oasis chardonnay.
- Yeah.
- Yay.
- And, um, love you.
- Love you.
- Well done today.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Yum.
- Chardonnay with froth.
[laughter.]
I'm sorry, you can't-- you can't get away with saying That's your chardonnay, Which is beer with froth.
Tareq's supposed to be a winemaker, And he's serving beer? I mean, give me a [bleep.]
break.
- She will not let anyone get away with anything.
- Darling, look at it.
- The barn doesn't hold a lot of wine.
You know, we would have had to drive back up To the house area.
- It was a test.
- It was a punk.
- It was a test.
[laughing.]
- Anybody that owns a vineyard and gives you beer Is pretty strange to me.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
Well done, ladies.
Thanks for coming out.
- Thanks so much device.
- Is this where the white guy leaves the conversation? - Oh, yeah.
- Or what? - Ah la la! - Hello, beautiful! - There she is.
- Paul's party.
Paul wharton is a great friend to me, And he said, you know, I really want you to throw my birthday this year.
This party has gotta be bigger, better, And this is it.
Get ready, paul.
- We're trying to go over some details, Show you the venue, kind of introduce you to the park.
We'll take the elevator upstairs.
- All right.
- Oh, let's see.
Let's just get down to business.
- I want this over the top.
- Absolutely.
We want the entire event to be absolutely fabulous.
Paul's had a lot of great parties.
His 30th birthday party was phenomenal.
Lynda threw it.
- When paul was turning 30, I felt that it would be great To have a nice little party.
It was very intimate and very special.
- It was--I mean, it was top notch.
It was incredibly classy and classic.
- Were you at that, mary? - His 30th birthday party.
- Yeah, it was a sit-down.
No, it was a buffet, And she did it for 25 people, And he was cut off.
Like, he couldn't have more than 25 people to her house.
And I know he said that that was hurtful to him, Like, he wanted to have more people.
- Some people believe that bigger is better, And flash is fantastic, But, no.
- How many guests are you expecting? - How many can you hold? - We can accommodate as many as you like.
- Okay.
- We're gonna make this work.
- Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Here's to paul.
- To paul and a great event.
- Yes, a great event.
- To everyone.
- Aunt frances? - Yes? - I smell what you're doing up in here, boy.
- Hi, frances.
- Hi, honey.
- We can smell it from the curb.
My aunt frances was my mom's best friend And my godmother.
I'm excited about that.
My mother died when I was 13, So aunt frances stepped in, And every Sunday, She would prepare Sunday dinner For me and my dad.
Aunt frances, there is one, um, lady that's coming Named lynda, Um, who's from the south, So that was the first thing she said.
"is she having fried chicken?" I was like, yes, the real deal.
- Chicken and a whole lot of other goodies.
- Ebong should be here in, like, ten minutes, So I need to get ready so I look like something.
- What do you need me to do? - I need a bag.
- Okay.
- I need a purse.
Being from south georgia, I am so looking forward to a soul food dinner.
You know what I might want? See that blue bag all the way at the top That has, like, it's the old-- Has little magnetic things? You know what I need.
Make sure that my phone Not that I want my phone.
I was so excited at the very idea Of meeting stacie's extended family.
Tissues, wallet, cards, phone Excedrin and advil.
- Okay.
- And anything else you can find there.
Anyway - Your flask? - Oh, my flask.
They better have scotch.
I mean, I would hope so, right? I would think they have scotch.
I'm sure they do.
- It's like on fire with the chicken.
- Oh, my god, yum yum.
- Oh, my.
What is-- Please don't say that's peach cobbler right there.
- Yes, it is.
- Shhhew - I made a peach cobbler.
- Who is that? - Hey, honey, come in.
It is freezing! How are you? This is my friend cat.
This is aunt frances, Who you've heard so much about.
- We had more pictures of stacie Than I had of my own daughter.
- I am the best thing that ever happened.
[laughter.]
- I'd love a drink, please.
I did feel a little bit awkward when I first got there, Because I got there on time, and everyone else was late.
[doorbell rings.]
- Hi! - Hi! Are you aunt frances? - I'm aunt frances.
- Hi, aunt frances.
- How are you? - Oh, I feel like I'm at home.
Hey, babies.
Aunt frances, what you drinking? - Everything I can.
But right now, I'm drinking scotch.
- Cat! Mmm, how are you? - I just opened a bottle of wine That looks like it might have been here for about 100 years.
- What'd you say, you want wine? - No, I opened a bottle of wine, But I think, um, it's, um Um - If you're at a restaurant, If you're buying wine or champagne, And it's not good, Then you can send it back.
That's-- that's acceptable.
But when you go to someone's home, I don't know, maybe take it with you To the ladies' room and pour it out.
- I just wasn't gonna make myself ill By just being polite.
- Lynda! Hey, honey.
- Oh, sweetheart.
- Ebong! - Happy new year.
- This is lynda.
This is ebong.
Ebong, of course, All the ladies were drooling over him.
- Ebong? - Ebong, yes.
- [chanting.]
ebong.
Ebong.
Ebong, ebong.
- We're like, lynda, you go.
You go, girl.
- This is so sweet.
- And lynda's from the south, So she loves the whole southern cooking.
- She's my kind of woman, that aunt frances, I'll tell you.
She could definitely be a kindred spirit for me.
[doorbell rings.]
- Oh, there's the door.
Hi, baby! - Hey.
- How are you? - How are you? - It's too cold for me to come out there.
Both: How you doin'? - How are you, man.
- Hi, darling! - Hi, aunt frances.
How are you? Gotta hug me all up.
- Yeah.
- How are ya? - Hi, baby.
Hi! - Mary is mama.
That girl has five kids.
You can tell.
She's not easy.
She doesn't like everybody, And she's just, like, loving you.
Poor rich, he was sitting there Like, "don't let her get any crazy ideas.
" - Yeah, come on down here.
This is-- - Oh, okay.
- Yeah, someone grab a chair.
So I'm very excited about something That I've been working on for several years.
Um, I have a patent On the first piece of technology That uses volume To measure the size of different body parts.
So the results of that was patent number 7147609.
- What does it-- like, can you-- Can you speak in layman's-- Like, you know, I have a general understanding, But I want to make sure I'm on the same page.
- Yeah, it's actually called The penile volumetric measuring device.
- Mmm.
Is this where the white guy leaves the conversation? - Oh, yeah, - or what? No, seriously.
- Damn, I got set up for this.
I'm not gonna hang around here and be ridiculed by you, too.
I don't want to be hung out to dry on this, If I could be hung.
- I think I've got something that could be Really, really huge.
- It was a little uncomfortable To be with three men talking about penis.
- You know, we all know That size really does matter, right? - You don't think it matters? - See, big guys never say that.
White irish catholic guys say that, It doesn't matter.
- On average, condom size Was between 15% and 20% bigger Than the average male penis.
Slippage is real.
- [laughing.]
- You know, think of shoes, The first thing the person says is, "what size shoe do you wear?" If you wear a size 13 or 14, as I do - I'm getting no love here.
- Pardon me, if you wear a size ten - Both have big hands, don't you? - If you wear a size-- if you wear a size ten shoe-- - I can palm a nf ball, maybe.
- I'm not gonna buy myself a penis-measuring device, Because I don't need to measure it.
You can aslynda what she thinks.
Can you imagine ifou were offered that job To go and start measuring penises? - I don't want no help.
- You don't want to do that? - Paul will do it.
He measures everything.
- Yeah, I'll let you-- You can broach that subject with paul.
- Wow.
I need another plate.
- Not for me, thanks.
- Have you had collard greens? Have you ever had collard greens? You're making yeses and noes, I'm not sure which one it is.
- No, I have.
I've had those.
- This is key part of soul food Food rig her greens.
- Yeah.
- Let me tell you something, Lyndfries her chicken in crisco.
- I do.
- And what? - And it all comes back.
- What do you mean, it all comes back? I don't know wh that means.
- You pour it in the little coffee can And recycle that crisco.
- You save it and you use it, Like when we'd make greens and beans Or anything else, And the kids are like, "this tastes so good.
" I'm like, "don't ask.
" Everyone felt at home there.
Cat seemed to be the only one Who was acting a little nervous Or agitated.
And I could tell that she was Kind of feeling like the third wheel.
- Cat didn't seem interested at all.
- No, no, I'll go.
Thank you.
- Stacie, thank you for having us over here.
- Thank you so much.
- It's so good.
- So, anyway, I'm shooting off, but - Okay.
- Thank you so much.
- I was like, aunt frances' cooking is better than mine, So we might as well come here.
- Where's cat? - I don't know where is cat? - Yummy, yummy, yummy.
Right, I've got to hit the road.
I'll say good-bye.
Lovely to meet you again.
- Oh, goodness.
- Roll it our there.
- I did genuinely feel a little bit out of place.
- Are you leaving? - Yeah, I'm going.
- Where are you going? - We had just finished dinner.
All of a sudden, she's ready to leave.
- I've got to get back.
I got here a lot earlier than all you guys, And I've got a load to do tomorrow.
I didn't mean to be rude by leaving early.
It really was not my kind of scene.
- My family was nothing but hospitable and warm, But she just was not interested In extending herself or getting to know us, And she didn't say good-bye to me.
I'm just like, what kind of home training Do they teach folks in london? If y'all need a refresher.
- I am fine.
Mm-hmm.
- I am, too.
- I'm sorry that one of our guests left Prior to dessert.
- She wasn't engaged, and obviously-- - Because it wasn't about her.
I had a dinner party, Which she tried to make completely about her, And I've tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, But she was straight up rude.
And rudeness can be disguised in, You know, like, london brashness.
Okay, how do I say this gently? She is not used to being in an environment Where it's majority black people.
- Mm-hmm.
- And so I think that she just felt uncomfortable, Which I can kind of sympathize with, But not really.
Because how many places do we go Where we are the only ones? - Always the only.
- We're always that way.
- And it's no big deal.
It's not like anybody's coming over to me saying, "are you okay? You comfortable? Do you know anybody?" - I feel like she's just rude.
- It's not personal.
- I don't know if it's even personal or whatever.
She could just be a rude person, period, Wherever she is.
- I'm a fan of cat's.
You know, she's a She's a friend of mine.
I tend to like her, But cat just can't connect.
- I would hate to think That it's because she's in a black environment, But I don't know what her deal is.
- Of all the people it hits, lynda.
- So what's up? - Now that the schedule is so crazy - Mm-hmm.
- I'd really like to have rosa five days a week.
- It's sort of removing responsibility from our kids To kind of learn how to take care of themselves.
I talked to lolly.
When she moved out of the house, She brought her wash here for rosa to do.
- Because she didn't want to use Coin-operated laundry machines in her building.
- Oh, my gosh, yeah.
Who does that? - If it were a choice between rich and rosa, It would be rosa.
- Your call has been forwarded To an automated voice message system.
[beep.]
- Michaele, you around? You are still coming tonight, aren't you? I'm worried.
I feel like a 18-year-old boy That's about to be stood up at the prom.
Call me.
Bye.
[beep.]
Michaele asked me to meet her at the four seasons.
Where the hell is she? She's supposed to be my host of my party, And she's not even here.
Let me try her again.
- At the tone, please record your message.
[beep.]
- what's going on with you? Are you stranded on the side of the road? I need you.
Come in.
Call me back, babe.
[beep.]
When lynda threw me my party, She was there the entire time.
- We definitely need more runway.
We're lacking in redheads.
- We have, you know, this huge stack of submissions.
- Do you have any new runway people? - This is everyone.
- Okay.
The agency is going through a very, very difficult time As far as the economy.
Okay, she's great, 'cause she has a very ambiguous look.
- Yeah.
- But she's 5'8", And right now, I can't go there.
He's 5'11", which means he's probably he 5'9 1/2".
Here's the deal with this girl.
Okay, she's 14.
She has a lot of baby fat.
- Yes.
- She has a huge neck.
She could be a football player.
And look at her teeth.
She needs to get h teeth filed down in the front, But you see what I'm saying? I mean, she has really beautiful eyes, Beautiful skin, but she's not a model.
She's just a beautiful girl.
When your industry is down by 38%, You definitely get on your hands and your knees, And you pray.
You know, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed.
- You? Overwhelmed? - I know, I know, I know.
But I believe in my business.
It has its ups and downs, But it always comes back.
If I didn't believe that, I'd be baking cookies.
Do you mind if we spend a little bit of time On paul wharton's birthday party? Because I'm feeling so pressured about time.
- Yes.
- I promised ebong I would join him At the restaurant by 7:00.
- Are you throwing this? - No, fortunately for me.
I love it when someone else takes that responsibility.
I'm not a huge fan of hundreds of people, But he assures me That I'm sitting at a really good table.
- Hi, how you doing? Thank you.
- Hi! - Thank you.
Well, where is our host and hostess? Washington, d.
C.
, has a special etiquette.
As a hostess, I think that you are responsible For taking care of your guests.
With michaela not being there, I don't call that a hostess.
[siren wailing.]
- All right, this is gonna be good.
- All right, marez, Open up the doors, my man.
All right, great.
All right, thanks.
- Thank you.
- I thought it was hysterical that michaela and tareq Arrived in a '70s white stretch limo With a police escort.
- Thank you.
- A white limousine, You know, for two people.
I think of that as being ostentatious, Especially when they haven't been paying their bills.
- Hello, hello, hello! Mmm, love you.
I got my hair done and everything for you.
- I love it! You look hot.
- I was waiting for you at the hotel.
I was like, "my friend's gonna be here.
" - I know paul was worried.
I had so much on my mind, And it was so busy that day.
My phone was blowing up today, SoAbout this.
- There was no way she was gonna be A real, true host for paul's party.
I felt bad for paul.
- I wouldn't miss your birthday.
- You know what? You're here now.
- I love you so much, I think that I'll cry.
- Okay, let's - [laughs.]
We gotta celebrate.
- Hey, everybody! [guests cheering.]
hey! Yay! It's my birthday! - Look, darling.
- I'm the lucky one.
Hi, guys.
- Is this the man of the hour? - Oh! - Happy birthday.
How are you? - My friends and I - Hey.
- You look beautiful.
- How you doin'? - I just kept saying, I know stacie's coming.
I know she's coming.
- I definitely got the impression That I had offended stacie with the soul food dinner, Which was never my intention.
Whatever impression she got of me, I promise it was not me, And I hope in the future That stacie and I will get to know each other better, Because I think we'll have a lot of fun.
- So, charles, I have never known anyone Who has actually covered two administrations, And I know you worked with bush And you work with obama.
How did you do that? - Did you like him? - Who, bush? I liked him.
Yeah, I liked him a lot.
- I really liked charles.
He has had access to the entire city, Including the oval office.
- Certain - All right, all right.
[tapping glass.]
All right, this is when we ask For your complete silence.
- There he goes again, mr.
Tareq, You know, taking control of the whole, entire room.
Washington is not a place that responds well To showy people.
They don't like flash.
- It will be brief, short, But very loving and very passionate.
- The birthday party was about paul, And those two definitely took the spotlight.
- Michaele.
- Welcome, everyone.
We all are here because we love paul very much, And, uh, I love you.
You've been the best friend to everyone in this room, And to me most of all.
And so I love you.
- With that said With that said, We're gonna sabrage a bottle of champagne.
- Yeah, everybody step back.
- All right.
- Oh, my god.
- Oh, my lord! I thought it was ironic When he pointed the cork at our table.
Oh, my god.
Excuse me.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Hit lynda! - Lynda, that wasn't by design.
We didn't know you were sitting there.
- Get her! - I promise you, we didn't.
- You are so bad.
- One Two.
[guests screaming.]
- Hey! - Of all the people it hits, lynda.
Of all people.
- Good, I'm glad we got you a little.
- Oh, you so owe me.
I cannot believe they sat me here.
- Lynda was definitely being dramatic.
It's champagne, my gosh.
It's fun.
- Ladies and gentlemen, quiet, quiet, quiet! - Oh, you've had enough.
- So, paul, we turn over the toastmaster to you, sir.
- Thank you.
Guests: Whoo! - I want to thank you guys all.
It's just very special that you guys Have all come together.
I was the kind of little boy That didn't have a lot of friends, Because I was afraid that people would judge me Because I was gay Or that I was different from the other little boys, So I stayed to myself.
And then one day, I decided that I was gonna get really strong, And I was gonna have a real life.
Do you know what I'm saying? And now look, I have all these wonderful friends And people that love me, and it means so much.
So thank you all for coming.
I love you.
I love you, mary.
Lynda, mary, michaele, mom.
I love you all.
And let's party and have a good time, But, really, from the bottom of my heart, Thank you.
Thank you so much.
- You're the best.
[applause.]
- Coming up next - Talk to me.
If it's something about me.
- Excuse me.
- No, excuse me.
- If you have a problem with that, I'm sorry.
- This was a great party.
- We're gonna get you onto one of my polo ponies.
You're gonna hit the ball all around.
- I've never played, but I'm all about it.
- You know what the best part of it is? Is after the game, We get to drink a lot of great virginia wine And have fun.
- Is there good virginia wine? Tell the truth.
We can't compete with california.
- I have no idea why lynda Is filled with so much negativity.
- That's why I'm drinking scotch.
- Who talks like that? - Virginia wine is the best.
It was very insulting.
You two were together recently.
- Ahh! - What's up with that? - Michaela had a little bone to pick with me.
- Did you tell her? - Yes.
- You told me to.
- Did you tell her to eat a burger and fries? - Didn't you not ask me to talk to her? - I had mentioned to paul wharton earlier That she was looking a little skinny.
- That's an insult that I have an eating disorder.
That--that's ridiculous.
If you don't have anything good to say, Don't say it at all.
Isn't that what your mom taught you? - That's not true.
- This body is like, She was built to be the supermodel.
- Did you give her french fries? - Did you not ask me-- - now, that's fat.
- He said he was dressing you, And I said, while you're at it, 'cause you're gonna have to go to the child's department.
Didn't I? I said, you're gonna have to go To the children's department.
- That's not a good spirit, lynda.
You need to call me.
- No, no, no.
- Why are you talking to him about me? - Because I'm allowed to talk to him.
- But talk to me.
If it's something about me-- - Excuse me.
- No, excuse me.
- Excuse me.
He said to me, "I'm dressing michaela tomorrow.
" I said, "great.
While you're at it, Feed her burger and fries.
" If you have a problem with that, I'm sorry.
- But, lynda - I'm leaving.
Bye-bye.
Happy birthday.
When I made that remark to paul, I was being a little bit of a smart aleck, But I'm not, you know? It's--I'm concerned.
I honestly did not feel that she looked healthy.
- You gotta lose the energy inside.
She's got a very mean spirit.
I don't know why she would, like, belittle me, And I was kind enough to invite her to this party.
- Michaela used that as an opportunity To try to embarrass me.
That was just uncalled for.
- I mean, really, If lynda erkiletian has it out for you, You better watch your back.
- She, like, had a little temper tantrum and left.
- It's only the beginning.
- [rapping.]
- Whoo! For us, it's so cool to be here.
I just want to share with her this journey that I'm on.
- Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh.
I mean it could be.
.
It's crazy What am I missing here? Where does swanning around come into my life? Seriously.
Just chill.
Excuse me? Oh my gosh.
It's absolutely appalling to me.
I don't want to be anywhere near.
Wherever my seat is it better be on the other side of the mountain.
She's really barking at the wrong tree to me because I'm so not racist in any way.
[upbeat music.]
- They say be careful what you wish for, But they don't say what you wish for Might happen all at the same time.
- I love you.
- I love you.
[paparazzi screaming.]
I had a wedding [cheers and applause.]
And a baby within weeks of each other,
My husband got a goal.
I'm pretty excited.
- When I have worked in the past With the america's polo cup, Nobody got paid.
- One finger only can open this.
When you have a daughter who shares your same size, You have to take measures into your own hands.
- She's losing weight.
She's in a danger zone.
- Why always pick on the skinny girl? She's like obsessed to talk about me.
Just leave me alone.
- George bush forced everyone to agree.
- I like george bush, you like tyra banks.
You know, it's okay.
- I damn near choked on my food.
I am not a fan.
I've got a few surprises for you.
- You do? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- People think I'm in my 30s, But I am old.
I am really old.
I'm 44.
- Happy birthday.
Look who's here.
- Oh, no way! My heart's beating a little fast.
Did I just say I'm 44? Did I say that out loud? That's the first time I've ever said that.
I'm 44.
- All right, now, hold on.
Hold on.
- Wow! - And you get to pick Anything you want here.
- No! Oh, wow, look it.
I love those, too.
- You get to pick one.
- But maybe two.
Maybe three.
Three at the most.
- Let's see how the champagne goes down, Then we'll decide.
- [gasps.]
no, stop.
Oh, I love these.
- Mmm.
- It was like a candy store.
What about that one? There's another one.
I had it up to three and then four and five.
- That's unique.
- Those are great.
- I know you said one, but this is kind of one.
These are together.
- We started at one, And now are we at five or six, I think? - Hold on, wait a second.
When I said one thing, She said, okay, one purse, one sunglasses, One pair of dinner shoes, one pair of afternoon shoes.
- Okay, these are completely me, too.
That's cute.
Okay, wow, This is the must have for every girl.
- You just can't say no to her.
Well, this is part one of a few parts, So you ready? - Yes, I'm ready.
- I want you to close your eyes now.
Close your eyes.
- Close my eyes? - Close your eyes.
Okay, on three.
One, two, three.
[laughing.]
- Ohh! Wow.
There is a horse.
- Ready? One, two, three.
- Wow.
Oh, my god.
- That's your new pony.
- Wow.
Hello.
I'm not really a rider.
The last time I was on a horse, I was a little girl.
- Do you have an idea what you want to name her? - Sparkle.
- Sparkle? Sparkle! [laughing.]
All right, sparkle.
Sparkle, you got mrs.
Sparkle on top of you.
[laughing.]
Like a big bottle of champagne, always sparkling and bubbling.
Oh, my god, these two are meant for each other.
- Sparkle.
I love you.
Thank you.
Best birthday ever.
I love you.
Thank you.
I have no idea what I did with my list.
- I brought my list.
- Oh, good.
- Here you go.
- Anyone who chooses to be my assistant Has to be a mad person, okay? Kc is not that person.
That's why my son loves her.
Oh, I did schedule another appointment With, uhWith the doctor.
- Yeah, I put it on your calendar.
- Did you see it? - Yeah, you gave me the card.
- Who would really want to be my personal assistant And my daughter-in-law And the mother of my future grandchildren? We really need to keep looking at houses.
- The color of the outside's ugly, But you could paint it.
- Kc, you know what? This give me a stomachache.
- That's the one with the two giant osets, though.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- I'm looking r a house, 'causehe apartment just is not big enough For my family and all their friends.
No, I can't stand that house.
That one you did show me.
- These ones are worse.
- Oh, okay, well, I don't want to see those.
I'm definitely opening up to the idea Of, yoknow, looking in virginia, 'cause this is not enough.
- Yeah, and even though the houses are not right, That location would be good.
- No.
- Not these houses, But different houses in that same space.
- I think that we should, you know, Really look at everything.
- Yeah.
- I do believe that when we find the right house, We'll know it.
[vacuum cleaner whirring.]
- Hola, rosa.
- Hola, mary.
- Oh, rosa! This is Drives me crazy, rosa.
[speaking spanish.]
Since rosa doesn't understand english very well, I speak to her in spanish.
Shampoo the rugs - Okay, mary.
- So lolly moved back home And brought her 150-pound burmese mountain dog.
I don't know what I'm gonna do with that dog.
Kona, come here! Kona.
Kona! Come here, kona.
- My mom's biggest issues with kona Are that she's hairy, Which we really can't get around, 'cause she's a dog.
- It's been a little stressful with the piles of poop And the big tufts of hair in every corner of this house.
Come here, kona.
[whistles.]
Come here, baby.
[claps.]
come here.
Come here.
Come here.
[dog barking.]
Okay, kona.
I love having my daughter home, But having her hairy, pooping dog, I'm having some adjustment issues.
Come here.
[dog barking.]
kona.
Come here.
- You don't know.
- No.
- [laughing.]
- Well, you kn what I'm ke.
I'm not really into polo.
The other thgs I did was I did pinkie swear.
- Okay.
- Let's all pinkie back That we're gonna go horse riding together.
- I pinkie swore that I'd go riding.
- Mom, really! - Yeah.
- Riding? You? - OhMyGosh! You on aorse? - [laughing.]
Can you imagine mum on a horse? [laughter.]
- Catherine! - Darling, how are you? - Mwah.
Good to see you.
So good to see you.
You'd beum, really entertainedo know That I'm supposed to be going horsdi with michaele.
- I didnnow that she rode horses.
I thought she just is ound horses And her husband is a po player.
- Wellapparently, she doesn't, Which makes me think it's really funny, The fact that she made me do a pinkie swear, This kind of really irritating sayinyou guys have, Pinkie swears.
Do you ride? - I haven't been on a horse in while.
- Well, how do you know? I think you should come as well then.
- We went to, um, a few polo matches this summer.
- Hello? Did you hear ? Not gonna let you skim over that as if I didn't even say it.
- Oh, you mean with michaele? - Yeah.
- Cot me in.
- Really? - Absolutely.
- When was the last time you were riding? - Well, I ew up riding.
- Oh, god, forget it then.
Don't bother coming.
So, umSo this is where lolly works, is it? - Lolly works here, yeah.
Here she is.
- Hi, loll.
- Hello.
- How are you? - Good.
Hi.
- Are you in the weeds? - Little bit.
- Little bit? - So what's going on with lolly then? - Well, lolly, um, she was out living on her own For about a year, And she was living with her boyfriend.
That didn't work out, So she's back home with the dog.
And the dog ends up being on my responsibility.
This dog sheds.
- Ohh! - Can you tell I'm a little streed about it? - By the way, you're the mother and it'sour house, So whatever you say goes.
- Well, I try.
- I uld definitely-- I don't know, I'm just looking forward to When my daughters leave home.
[laughing.]
If they're still at home at the age of 23, Then I'm gonna be really upset.
- Metimes they come back.
- Excuse me.
Ti's up.
- Cat's kids are young.
We'll see what she says in about ten years.
- Can I have some more wine, please? No, the wine's there.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Lolly, you're a 23-year-old with a dog, I hear.
- Yeah.
- That sheds a lot of hair.
- Everyone's been talking about her tely.
I don't know why.
- So are you going round the house at night, Clearing up all her hair? - Sure.
- Really? - Sure thing.
- Can I put a little lie detector test onou? [laughing.]
Good luck with your dog walking, And good luck with the dog hair llection.
- Cat was bossy when was working.
You wouldn't want people coming to your job And being rude as hell to you.
- Unbelievable.
I just saw how much of a tip you left her.
You're such a spoiling mummy, And then you want toomplain about How she comes back with a dog? If you leave her a tip like tt, She'll walk all ov you for the rest of your life now.
That's it.
I think mary's so sweet, But she gets taken advantage of.
- Cat and I have different approaches to parenting.
We're different.
- You've made your bed, darling.
- I just don't want to hear about it.
But she was straight up rude.
- What's going on with tareq? Um, what's happening with tareq? How is he? - We had a great birthday.
He spoiled me.
- Oh, he did? What did he get you? - Shoes and jewelry and It was fun.
And a horse.
- You got a new horse? - Yeah.
Sparkle.
- Sparkle's your horse? - Sparkle's my horse.
- I love that name.
That's awesome.
- How's your mom? - She's good.
My mom's good.
Um, she's looking for-- I told her you were doing my birthday party.
- Okay, so who are we inviting? - Who do we invite? - Let's invite all the girls.
- You know what's more interesting? Who do we not invite? Who do we purposely leave off the list? Hmm.
- You're not like that.
- That's fun.
- Paul can definitely count on me To give him the best birthday ever with no drama.
- So should we have the party at a bar, at a club? You want to do it at your house, or what do you want to do? - Whatever.
- Well, let's think about it.
Think about what you really want to do.
I'd love to share my birthday with you.
I promised to have people over to dinner next Sunday.
- Right, hon.
- And the reality is that I don't have time to do dinner.
- Okay.
- So I was thinking About having them come to aunt frances'.
- What? - Well, that way, I don't have to cook, And, you know, the food is slamming, And you know it's an experience.
Sunday dinner over there, so I thought it'd be fun.
- At aunt frances' house.
- I don't believe that any of your friends really know you Until they have seen your family, So they need to see where I came from.
I was thinking mary, lynda, cat.
- Oh, lord have mercy.
- You know what, obama? You've just gone right down in my estimations, you know? - It'll be a little different for 'em.
- A little different to say the least.
- They are going to see a down-home black family Sunday-style dinner.
- You think there'll be any misbehaving over there? - It just is what it is.
I mean, that's my family.
You know, you get what you get, And you never know what you gonna get.
- Shh I mean, hey, You know, let's, uh Let's get real with 'em.
I mean, you know.
You let me know what happens with that.
- Hey there, cat.
How are you? It's stacie.
Cat better not step out there With that english perceived-as-rude, But-trying-not-to-be mess, 'cause they will call her out in a second.
So anyway, give me a call.
Let me know if you are free next Sunday.
Talk to you soon.
Bye.
- This is tysons corner, And my grandfather had an option to buy All of this land, And he passed it up, Because he didn't want to be so close to the city.
[laughs.]
Can you imagine? Cat and I decided it would be fun To take michaele up on her offer To come out and ride horses.
- So how did you meet michaele? - She was a makeup artist For trish mcevoy cosmetics at our mall in nordstrom.
- So she used to do your makeup? - She did.
- [laughing.]
- Oh, yes.
Michaele has definitely changed her station in life.
Wow, this is gorgeous.
- It is.
Look at our hosts.
[laughing.]
- Hi, guys.
- Hey! They're here.
- We made it.
- Oh, my gosh.
Hi, friends.
- How are you? - I thought we were just showing up For a casual afternoon in the country.
Well, no, it was definitely a show.
You're not in jeans.
- I had jeans, and then, uh - You're in jodhpurs.
Michaele was in her perfectly coifed Riding jodhpurs and boots, And we were told the dress code was gonna be jeans.
- You know, I'm with all the riders all the time.
- That's right.
- I think mary and cat were a little upset, But I am the wife of a rider, So I need to look the part at least.
- You just don't ride.
You just have a pair of jodhpurs.
- I just have that look.
- She wore the jodhpurs Even when we played against prince charles, And everyone thought she was gonna ride, But just cheering us on from the sidelines.
All right, so how many years has it been Since you've been on a horse, either one of you? - I grew up riding, but You know, it's kind of like a bike.
Yeah.
- It's just like a bike.
- When's the last time you were on a horse, michaele? - Uh, yesterday.
- You just lie.
You told me that you don't ride, but you ride.
- Well, I don't ride, But tareq gave me a horse for my birthday.
- Yeah, she got a horse for her birthday.
She got sparkle.
[both laughing.]
- I think it's just ironic, the fact that you're married To a polo player and you don't ride.
- Yeah.
- We're gonna do some lessons together.
Uh, are you ready for that? - I am ready.
- Awesome.
- You got me here.
- All right, let's go.
- All right! - Let's do it.
- Polo is a luxury sport.
You have to have a lot of money To support that activity.
- Okay, so here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna first demonstrate How to do a half-swing shot, Walking towards the ball.
- We're gonna hit a ball before we've ridden? - Duh! - So, everyone, just line up in front of me right here.
All right, cat.
- Come on, now.
Let's go.
Good boy.
- This is great.
- The horse that was assigned to me for the day Was called uncle buck.
He was very calm.
In fact, I thought he might have had a valium before he met me.
Look at this.
Just can't stop him.
- Giddy-up, uncle buck.
- Half swing.
- Oh! - Oops! - It's okay.
- Swing and a miss.
- Okay, michaele, you're next.
Shorten your reins.
- Shorten my reins? - This way.
Okay, come to this ball here.
- Can I go to that one? - Okay, go to that one.
[laughter.]
Sweetheart, ball's over here, baby.
- I know I know nothing about horseback riding, And I was just, like, boppin' along.
- Hit that ball.
Walk.
Hey! Back shot! - [laughing.]
- You just can't dress that way and ride that way.
You're gonna look like a fool.
- All right, mary, you're up.
- That's right.
- Okay, mallet back.
Mallet back.
Lower, lower.
Well done, well done.
One more time.
- Can we have a bit of a ride? - Well done! - Whoo! - Good boy.
He has got some energy after all.
- Whoo! - Water, uncle buck.
- You guys did an awesome job.
Well done.
High-five, everyone.
Well done, well done.
- I was actually surprised by myself, Because I had really good fun.
- Now are you ready for the best part? You ready for some glasses of wine? Do some wine-tasting? All right, ladies.
We've got some barrel-fermented chardonnay here.
- Oh, yay! - I was looking forward to trying out tareq's wine From his vineyard.
- What a great day of polo, and - What are we drinking? - Well, this is oasis chardonnay.
- Yeah.
- Yay.
- And, um, love you.
- Love you.
- Well done today.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Yum.
- Chardonnay with froth.
[laughter.]
I'm sorry, you can't-- you can't get away with saying That's your chardonnay, Which is beer with froth.
Tareq's supposed to be a winemaker, And he's serving beer? I mean, give me a [bleep.]
break.
- She will not let anyone get away with anything.
- Darling, look at it.
- The barn doesn't hold a lot of wine.
You know, we would have had to drive back up To the house area.
- It was a test.
- It was a punk.
- It was a test.
[laughing.]
- Anybody that owns a vineyard and gives you beer Is pretty strange to me.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
Well done, ladies.
Thanks for coming out.
- Thanks so much device.
- Is this where the white guy leaves the conversation? - Oh, yeah.
- Or what? - Ah la la! - Hello, beautiful! - There she is.
- Paul's party.
Paul wharton is a great friend to me, And he said, you know, I really want you to throw my birthday this year.
This party has gotta be bigger, better, And this is it.
Get ready, paul.
- We're trying to go over some details, Show you the venue, kind of introduce you to the park.
We'll take the elevator upstairs.
- All right.
- Oh, let's see.
Let's just get down to business.
- I want this over the top.
- Absolutely.
We want the entire event to be absolutely fabulous.
Paul's had a lot of great parties.
His 30th birthday party was phenomenal.
Lynda threw it.
- When paul was turning 30, I felt that it would be great To have a nice little party.
It was very intimate and very special.
- It was--I mean, it was top notch.
It was incredibly classy and classic.
- Were you at that, mary? - His 30th birthday party.
- Yeah, it was a sit-down.
No, it was a buffet, And she did it for 25 people, And he was cut off.
Like, he couldn't have more than 25 people to her house.
And I know he said that that was hurtful to him, Like, he wanted to have more people.
- Some people believe that bigger is better, And flash is fantastic, But, no.
- How many guests are you expecting? - How many can you hold? - We can accommodate as many as you like.
- Okay.
- We're gonna make this work.
- Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Here's to paul.
- To paul and a great event.
- Yes, a great event.
- To everyone.
- Aunt frances? - Yes? - I smell what you're doing up in here, boy.
- Hi, frances.
- Hi, honey.
- We can smell it from the curb.
My aunt frances was my mom's best friend And my godmother.
I'm excited about that.
My mother died when I was 13, So aunt frances stepped in, And every Sunday, She would prepare Sunday dinner For me and my dad.
Aunt frances, there is one, um, lady that's coming Named lynda, Um, who's from the south, So that was the first thing she said.
"is she having fried chicken?" I was like, yes, the real deal.
- Chicken and a whole lot of other goodies.
- Ebong should be here in, like, ten minutes, So I need to get ready so I look like something.
- What do you need me to do? - I need a bag.
- Okay.
- I need a purse.
Being from south georgia, I am so looking forward to a soul food dinner.
You know what I might want? See that blue bag all the way at the top That has, like, it's the old-- Has little magnetic things? You know what I need.
Make sure that my phone Not that I want my phone.
I was so excited at the very idea Of meeting stacie's extended family.
Tissues, wallet, cards, phone Excedrin and advil.
- Okay.
- And anything else you can find there.
Anyway - Your flask? - Oh, my flask.
They better have scotch.
I mean, I would hope so, right? I would think they have scotch.
I'm sure they do.
- It's like on fire with the chicken.
- Oh, my god, yum yum.
- Oh, my.
What is-- Please don't say that's peach cobbler right there.
- Yes, it is.
- Shhhew - I made a peach cobbler.
- Who is that? - Hey, honey, come in.
It is freezing! How are you? This is my friend cat.
This is aunt frances, Who you've heard so much about.
- We had more pictures of stacie Than I had of my own daughter.
- I am the best thing that ever happened.
[laughter.]
- I'd love a drink, please.
I did feel a little bit awkward when I first got there, Because I got there on time, and everyone else was late.
[doorbell rings.]
- Hi! - Hi! Are you aunt frances? - I'm aunt frances.
- Hi, aunt frances.
- How are you? - Oh, I feel like I'm at home.
Hey, babies.
Aunt frances, what you drinking? - Everything I can.
But right now, I'm drinking scotch.
- Cat! Mmm, how are you? - I just opened a bottle of wine That looks like it might have been here for about 100 years.
- What'd you say, you want wine? - No, I opened a bottle of wine, But I think, um, it's, um Um - If you're at a restaurant, If you're buying wine or champagne, And it's not good, Then you can send it back.
That's-- that's acceptable.
But when you go to someone's home, I don't know, maybe take it with you To the ladies' room and pour it out.
- I just wasn't gonna make myself ill By just being polite.
- Lynda! Hey, honey.
- Oh, sweetheart.
- Ebong! - Happy new year.
- This is lynda.
This is ebong.
Ebong, of course, All the ladies were drooling over him.
- Ebong? - Ebong, yes.
- [chanting.]
ebong.
Ebong.
Ebong, ebong.
- We're like, lynda, you go.
You go, girl.
- This is so sweet.
- And lynda's from the south, So she loves the whole southern cooking.
- She's my kind of woman, that aunt frances, I'll tell you.
She could definitely be a kindred spirit for me.
[doorbell rings.]
- Oh, there's the door.
Hi, baby! - Hey.
- How are you? - How are you? - It's too cold for me to come out there.
Both: How you doin'? - How are you, man.
- Hi, darling! - Hi, aunt frances.
How are you? Gotta hug me all up.
- Yeah.
- How are ya? - Hi, baby.
Hi! - Mary is mama.
That girl has five kids.
You can tell.
She's not easy.
She doesn't like everybody, And she's just, like, loving you.
Poor rich, he was sitting there Like, "don't let her get any crazy ideas.
" - Yeah, come on down here.
This is-- - Oh, okay.
- Yeah, someone grab a chair.
So I'm very excited about something That I've been working on for several years.
Um, I have a patent On the first piece of technology That uses volume To measure the size of different body parts.
So the results of that was patent number 7147609.
- What does it-- like, can you-- Can you speak in layman's-- Like, you know, I have a general understanding, But I want to make sure I'm on the same page.
- Yeah, it's actually called The penile volumetric measuring device.
- Mmm.
Is this where the white guy leaves the conversation? - Oh, yeah, - or what? No, seriously.
- Damn, I got set up for this.
I'm not gonna hang around here and be ridiculed by you, too.
I don't want to be hung out to dry on this, If I could be hung.
- I think I've got something that could be Really, really huge.
- It was a little uncomfortable To be with three men talking about penis.
- You know, we all know That size really does matter, right? - You don't think it matters? - See, big guys never say that.
White irish catholic guys say that, It doesn't matter.
- On average, condom size Was between 15% and 20% bigger Than the average male penis.
Slippage is real.
- [laughing.]
- You know, think of shoes, The first thing the person says is, "what size shoe do you wear?" If you wear a size 13 or 14, as I do - I'm getting no love here.
- Pardon me, if you wear a size ten - Both have big hands, don't you? - If you wear a size-- if you wear a size ten shoe-- - I can palm a nf ball, maybe.
- I'm not gonna buy myself a penis-measuring device, Because I don't need to measure it.
You can aslynda what she thinks.
Can you imagine ifou were offered that job To go and start measuring penises? - I don't want no help.
- You don't want to do that? - Paul will do it.
He measures everything.
- Yeah, I'll let you-- You can broach that subject with paul.
- Wow.
I need another plate.
- Not for me, thanks.
- Have you had collard greens? Have you ever had collard greens? You're making yeses and noes, I'm not sure which one it is.
- No, I have.
I've had those.
- This is key part of soul food Food rig her greens.
- Yeah.
- Let me tell you something, Lyndfries her chicken in crisco.
- I do.
- And what? - And it all comes back.
- What do you mean, it all comes back? I don't know wh that means.
- You pour it in the little coffee can And recycle that crisco.
- You save it and you use it, Like when we'd make greens and beans Or anything else, And the kids are like, "this tastes so good.
" I'm like, "don't ask.
" Everyone felt at home there.
Cat seemed to be the only one Who was acting a little nervous Or agitated.
And I could tell that she was Kind of feeling like the third wheel.
- Cat didn't seem interested at all.
- No, no, I'll go.
Thank you.
- Stacie, thank you for having us over here.
- Thank you so much.
- It's so good.
- So, anyway, I'm shooting off, but - Okay.
- Thank you so much.
- I was like, aunt frances' cooking is better than mine, So we might as well come here.
- Where's cat? - I don't know where is cat? - Yummy, yummy, yummy.
Right, I've got to hit the road.
I'll say good-bye.
Lovely to meet you again.
- Oh, goodness.
- Roll it our there.
- I did genuinely feel a little bit out of place.
- Are you leaving? - Yeah, I'm going.
- Where are you going? - We had just finished dinner.
All of a sudden, she's ready to leave.
- I've got to get back.
I got here a lot earlier than all you guys, And I've got a load to do tomorrow.
I didn't mean to be rude by leaving early.
It really was not my kind of scene.
- My family was nothing but hospitable and warm, But she just was not interested In extending herself or getting to know us, And she didn't say good-bye to me.
I'm just like, what kind of home training Do they teach folks in london? If y'all need a refresher.
- I am fine.
Mm-hmm.
- I am, too.
- I'm sorry that one of our guests left Prior to dessert.
- She wasn't engaged, and obviously-- - Because it wasn't about her.
I had a dinner party, Which she tried to make completely about her, And I've tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, But she was straight up rude.
And rudeness can be disguised in, You know, like, london brashness.
Okay, how do I say this gently? She is not used to being in an environment Where it's majority black people.
- Mm-hmm.
- And so I think that she just felt uncomfortable, Which I can kind of sympathize with, But not really.
Because how many places do we go Where we are the only ones? - Always the only.
- We're always that way.
- And it's no big deal.
It's not like anybody's coming over to me saying, "are you okay? You comfortable? Do you know anybody?" - I feel like she's just rude.
- It's not personal.
- I don't know if it's even personal or whatever.
She could just be a rude person, period, Wherever she is.
- I'm a fan of cat's.
You know, she's a She's a friend of mine.
I tend to like her, But cat just can't connect.
- I would hate to think That it's because she's in a black environment, But I don't know what her deal is.
- Of all the people it hits, lynda.
- So what's up? - Now that the schedule is so crazy - Mm-hmm.
- I'd really like to have rosa five days a week.
- It's sort of removing responsibility from our kids To kind of learn how to take care of themselves.
I talked to lolly.
When she moved out of the house, She brought her wash here for rosa to do.
- Because she didn't want to use Coin-operated laundry machines in her building.
- Oh, my gosh, yeah.
Who does that? - If it were a choice between rich and rosa, It would be rosa.
- Your call has been forwarded To an automated voice message system.
[beep.]
- Michaele, you around? You are still coming tonight, aren't you? I'm worried.
I feel like a 18-year-old boy That's about to be stood up at the prom.
Call me.
Bye.
[beep.]
Michaele asked me to meet her at the four seasons.
Where the hell is she? She's supposed to be my host of my party, And she's not even here.
Let me try her again.
- At the tone, please record your message.
[beep.]
- what's going on with you? Are you stranded on the side of the road? I need you.
Come in.
Call me back, babe.
[beep.]
When lynda threw me my party, She was there the entire time.
- We definitely need more runway.
We're lacking in redheads.
- We have, you know, this huge stack of submissions.
- Do you have any new runway people? - This is everyone.
- Okay.
The agency is going through a very, very difficult time As far as the economy.
Okay, she's great, 'cause she has a very ambiguous look.
- Yeah.
- But she's 5'8", And right now, I can't go there.
He's 5'11", which means he's probably he 5'9 1/2".
Here's the deal with this girl.
Okay, she's 14.
She has a lot of baby fat.
- Yes.
- She has a huge neck.
She could be a football player.
And look at her teeth.
She needs to get h teeth filed down in the front, But you see what I'm saying? I mean, she has really beautiful eyes, Beautiful skin, but she's not a model.
She's just a beautiful girl.
When your industry is down by 38%, You definitely get on your hands and your knees, And you pray.
You know, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed.
- You? Overwhelmed? - I know, I know, I know.
But I believe in my business.
It has its ups and downs, But it always comes back.
If I didn't believe that, I'd be baking cookies.
Do you mind if we spend a little bit of time On paul wharton's birthday party? Because I'm feeling so pressured about time.
- Yes.
- I promised ebong I would join him At the restaurant by 7:00.
- Are you throwing this? - No, fortunately for me.
I love it when someone else takes that responsibility.
I'm not a huge fan of hundreds of people, But he assures me That I'm sitting at a really good table.
- Hi, how you doing? Thank you.
- Hi! - Thank you.
Well, where is our host and hostess? Washington, d.
C.
, has a special etiquette.
As a hostess, I think that you are responsible For taking care of your guests.
With michaela not being there, I don't call that a hostess.
[siren wailing.]
- All right, this is gonna be good.
- All right, marez, Open up the doors, my man.
All right, great.
All right, thanks.
- Thank you.
- I thought it was hysterical that michaela and tareq Arrived in a '70s white stretch limo With a police escort.
- Thank you.
- A white limousine, You know, for two people.
I think of that as being ostentatious, Especially when they haven't been paying their bills.
- Hello, hello, hello! Mmm, love you.
I got my hair done and everything for you.
- I love it! You look hot.
- I was waiting for you at the hotel.
I was like, "my friend's gonna be here.
" - I know paul was worried.
I had so much on my mind, And it was so busy that day.
My phone was blowing up today, SoAbout this.
- There was no way she was gonna be A real, true host for paul's party.
I felt bad for paul.
- I wouldn't miss your birthday.
- You know what? You're here now.
- I love you so much, I think that I'll cry.
- Okay, let's - [laughs.]
We gotta celebrate.
- Hey, everybody! [guests cheering.]
hey! Yay! It's my birthday! - Look, darling.
- I'm the lucky one.
Hi, guys.
- Is this the man of the hour? - Oh! - Happy birthday.
How are you? - My friends and I - Hey.
- You look beautiful.
- How you doin'? - I just kept saying, I know stacie's coming.
I know she's coming.
- I definitely got the impression That I had offended stacie with the soul food dinner, Which was never my intention.
Whatever impression she got of me, I promise it was not me, And I hope in the future That stacie and I will get to know each other better, Because I think we'll have a lot of fun.
- So, charles, I have never known anyone Who has actually covered two administrations, And I know you worked with bush And you work with obama.
How did you do that? - Did you like him? - Who, bush? I liked him.
Yeah, I liked him a lot.
- I really liked charles.
He has had access to the entire city, Including the oval office.
- Certain - All right, all right.
[tapping glass.]
All right, this is when we ask For your complete silence.
- There he goes again, mr.
Tareq, You know, taking control of the whole, entire room.
Washington is not a place that responds well To showy people.
They don't like flash.
- It will be brief, short, But very loving and very passionate.
- The birthday party was about paul, And those two definitely took the spotlight.
- Michaele.
- Welcome, everyone.
We all are here because we love paul very much, And, uh, I love you.
You've been the best friend to everyone in this room, And to me most of all.
And so I love you.
- With that said With that said, We're gonna sabrage a bottle of champagne.
- Yeah, everybody step back.
- All right.
- Oh, my god.
- Oh, my lord! I thought it was ironic When he pointed the cork at our table.
Oh, my god.
Excuse me.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Hit lynda! - Lynda, that wasn't by design.
We didn't know you were sitting there.
- Get her! - I promise you, we didn't.
- You are so bad.
- One Two.
[guests screaming.]
- Hey! - Of all the people it hits, lynda.
Of all people.
- Good, I'm glad we got you a little.
- Oh, you so owe me.
I cannot believe they sat me here.
- Lynda was definitely being dramatic.
It's champagne, my gosh.
It's fun.
- Ladies and gentlemen, quiet, quiet, quiet! - Oh, you've had enough.
- So, paul, we turn over the toastmaster to you, sir.
- Thank you.
Guests: Whoo! - I want to thank you guys all.
It's just very special that you guys Have all come together.
I was the kind of little boy That didn't have a lot of friends, Because I was afraid that people would judge me Because I was gay Or that I was different from the other little boys, So I stayed to myself.
And then one day, I decided that I was gonna get really strong, And I was gonna have a real life.
Do you know what I'm saying? And now look, I have all these wonderful friends And people that love me, and it means so much.
So thank you all for coming.
I love you.
I love you, mary.
Lynda, mary, michaele, mom.
I love you all.
And let's party and have a good time, But, really, from the bottom of my heart, Thank you.
Thank you so much.
- You're the best.
[applause.]
- Coming up next - Talk to me.
If it's something about me.
- Excuse me.
- No, excuse me.
- If you have a problem with that, I'm sorry.
- This was a great party.
- We're gonna get you onto one of my polo ponies.
You're gonna hit the ball all around.
- I've never played, but I'm all about it.
- You know what the best part of it is? Is after the game, We get to drink a lot of great virginia wine And have fun.
- Is there good virginia wine? Tell the truth.
We can't compete with california.
- I have no idea why lynda Is filled with so much negativity.
- That's why I'm drinking scotch.
- Who talks like that? - Virginia wine is the best.
It was very insulting.
You two were together recently.
- Ahh! - What's up with that? - Michaela had a little bone to pick with me.
- Did you tell her? - Yes.
- You told me to.
- Did you tell her to eat a burger and fries? - Didn't you not ask me to talk to her? - I had mentioned to paul wharton earlier That she was looking a little skinny.
- That's an insult that I have an eating disorder.
That--that's ridiculous.
If you don't have anything good to say, Don't say it at all.
Isn't that what your mom taught you? - That's not true.
- This body is like, She was built to be the supermodel.
- Did you give her french fries? - Did you not ask me-- - now, that's fat.
- He said he was dressing you, And I said, while you're at it, 'cause you're gonna have to go to the child's department.
Didn't I? I said, you're gonna have to go To the children's department.
- That's not a good spirit, lynda.
You need to call me.
- No, no, no.
- Why are you talking to him about me? - Because I'm allowed to talk to him.
- But talk to me.
If it's something about me-- - Excuse me.
- No, excuse me.
- Excuse me.
He said to me, "I'm dressing michaela tomorrow.
" I said, "great.
While you're at it, Feed her burger and fries.
" If you have a problem with that, I'm sorry.
- But, lynda - I'm leaving.
Bye-bye.
Happy birthday.
When I made that remark to paul, I was being a little bit of a smart aleck, But I'm not, you know? It's--I'm concerned.
I honestly did not feel that she looked healthy.
- You gotta lose the energy inside.
She's got a very mean spirit.
I don't know why she would, like, belittle me, And I was kind enough to invite her to this party.
- Michaela used that as an opportunity To try to embarrass me.
That was just uncalled for.
- I mean, really, If lynda erkiletian has it out for you, You better watch your back.
- She, like, had a little temper tantrum and left.
- It's only the beginning.
- [rapping.]
- Whoo! For us, it's so cool to be here.
I just want to share with her this journey that I'm on.
- Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh.
I mean it could be.
.
It's crazy What am I missing here? Where does swanning around come into my life? Seriously.
Just chill.
Excuse me? Oh my gosh.
It's absolutely appalling to me.
I don't want to be anywhere near.
Wherever my seat is it better be on the other side of the mountain.
She's really barking at the wrong tree to me because I'm so not racist in any way.
[upbeat music.]
- They say be careful what you wish for, But they don't say what you wish for Might happen all at the same time.
- I love you.
- I love you.
[paparazzi screaming.]
I had a wedding [cheers and applause.]
And a baby within weeks of each other,