The Split (2018) s02e01 Episode Script
Season 2, Episode 1
1 How many lengths today? Um - 40.
- Slipping.
- Pinch, punch, first of the month.
No returns.
- You're so lame, Vinnie.
- Chin up, buttercup.
- You know, this is child labour, right? What else could you possibly be for? - Crisps constitute breakfast then? - Race you to the tree.
- Vinnie, wait for me! - We are terrible parents.
MOBILE ALER Why are your family always late? - SHE SIGHS - I've got to be in court at nine.
OK.
How do we, how do we do this? SHE MUMBLES I've never done this whole dead dad stuff before.
- Can we just get on with it, please? - Can we all just ? Oh, God.
Look.
- Oh, my God.
- Take a handful.
- Gross.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- Look.
Urgh.
Or alternatively, use a cup.
- That's a good idea.
- Thanks.
- Right.
Here we go.
- Not with your hands.
God.
I think someone should say something.
No, not you.
You wanted to flush him down the loo.
Can we move this along? I have a very busy day.
You do it.
- I don't - Yes.
- I can't Really? - Grandpa.
Even though Grandma says you were a dirty dog and couldn't help yourself, I thought you were all right.
And even though we didn't know you for very long, - something is better than nothing.
- Ha.
And thank you for the condom.
LAUGHING - Right.
- OK, Dad Dad.
- Jesus.
- It's everywhere.
- To Oscar.
- Oscar.
- Grandad.
- Dad.
- Bye, Grandpa.
- Bye, Dad.
Grandpa's still stuck to the cup.
- OK.
All right.
Cease and desist.
- Urgh, disgusting.
- Come here.
- Oh, God.
Bye, Grandad.
I know.
You OK? Goodbye, Oscar.
Oh, yes.
That wonderful Defoe sentiment.
Condom? Really? Ruth, are we seeing you tonight? Tonight I I can't, Nathan.
- I have a meeting with a client.
- Well, rearrange.
James has put his photos into a slide show and everything.
Oh, God.
We'll definitely need wine.
There's nothing in the fridge.
Seriously.
Well, that's why Deliveroo was invented.
Great.
Great.
The Sullivan appeal.
Have you lodged the skeleton argument? You know, it has to be filed within 14 days of your appellant's notice? - Just a thought.
- Mother, when are you leaving again? Hannah Does the D look a little small to you? We've talked about this.
Sorry.
Sorry.
That's ridiculous.
- And again? - Ridiculous.
I'm so hot.
Can we get these moved, please? Meeting room four.
Thank you, Dee.
Christie, you're very early.
What have you got to hide? Two prenups and a freezing injunction but frisk me if you like.
- Hannah - Christie.
Don't forget, Mr Grayling tonight.
Yeah, I need to reschedule tonight.
Rose is back from travelling, and we do this whole how the hell does this slide show thing work, whilst arguing the merits of Indian takeaway over Thai.
- Yay.
- Sorry.
Really? We've already cancelled twice.
Grayling, Grayling Is he in - Shipping.
- I don't know a Grayling.
- Comes into town from - Time to time.
Time, yep.
Nathan just sprung it on me.
I got you something.
- Ah, I don't think they're going to fit me.
- Humour me.
Don't start what you can't finish.
This way you can let yourself in any time.
I dare you.
Hannah! Um I will, er, bear that in mind.
Great.
Good.
Yep.
- Your nine o'clock is already here.
- Oh.
Fi Hansen.
Total girl crush.
She came up in the service lift.
Love Won't Leave You Alone? Made up the entire soundtrack to my teenage years.
Well, I've got two decades on you.
It's a blur, post-Blur.
Right, I have to get these to court for the Toynton Appeal.
Go, go, go, go.
I've got this.
Um, got it.
Sorry I'm early.
I could have circled one more time, but I think my driver just wanted to get me in.
I always freak out there's going to be paps.
- MOBILE ALER - Ah, Hannah Stern.
Sorry, it's my youngest.
He's been up all night coughing and now my nanny's saying she wants to resign.
Sorry.
Worst week to have a show starting.
- I'm With The Band.
- I know.
Naff name for a show, isn't it? I'm not crazy.
Those trailers have been haunting me in my sleep.
They're really pushing the whole strip back, back to basics, real music thing.
But, at the end of the day, it's just another talent show - and who wants that? - MOBILE ALER Shit hits the fan at home and I'm just meant to juggle all of it sans nanny.
You'd think after five years, she'd give me a bit more notice than a week, wouldn't you? Sorry.
- It's OK.
- Kids are going to go ape shit.
- Mrs Hansen - Fi.
Fi's fine.
How can I help you? Er, no biggie, really.
I was just gassing with the girls and someone said that you're the best.
It's my prenup.
It's been 14 years.
And Tabby, she's my guru and friend.
Long story short, she got screwed, basically.
Husband turns out to be gay, which is fine.
But when it came to her divorce, apparently, the prenup really matters and she only got half of what she felt she was owed.
So I just wanted to be sure that I was protected, or provided for If you were to divorce.
No, no, no.
We've been together forever.
No.
Sorry.
It's just more advice I wanted.
I haven't really read it since I was married.
MOBILE ALER He's a brilliant dad.
- MOBILE ALER - Just when it comes to our childcare arrangements, he doesn't really give a shit.
Um if it's any consolation, my kids had crisps and a chocolate bar for breakfast.
MOBILE ALER Oh! Now he's ranting that I'm late for a fitting.
Sorry.
They just pop up on my calendar.
I can't really do this right now.
It's a really bad time.
I need to reschedule.
Take your time.
Call me whenever you're ready.
Any time.
Your son's Vinnie, Vinnie Stern.
My son's in his class, Callum.
Callum.
Oh, of course.
Sorry.
Callum.
Yes.
Yes, I know Callum.
I'm hopeless with the whole mum thing.
I know no-one.
I don't think I've been to a cake sale - since they were five.
- What's your secret? You should know, anything we discuss is held in the strictest confidence.
I knew who you were before I came.
I knew you were THAT Hannah Stern.
A friend of my sister's got stung with the whole Indiana Ray thing, so I just figured you'd understand.
That stuff sticks.
We're all clickbait at the end of the day.
Well, I'm sure people are much more interested in you than they are in me.
Maggie - Yeah.
- Will you show Mrs Hansen out? Sure.
- Thanks.
- This way.
RETCHING Oh, my God.
I hate you right now.
I didn't make us pregnant.
Are we pregnant? Er, kind of did.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
No, I've changed my mind.
This is a bad idea.
You can't No, this is your fault.
I can't I can't do this.
No.
Yes, you can.
- Oh, my gosh.
- And I will be there, helping you get that - watermelon out of your vajoozi? - La, la, la, la, la.
Not comforting.
- HE LAUGHS - Not comforting right now.
- I'm calling Hannah.
- No, we tell everyone together.
- Yes.
- Rose.
Yeah.
We tell everyone together.
HE LAUGHS - Milk's out.
- Thank you.
Er Do you mind if I walk with you? Chloe Howell, I'm one of the new pupils.
Business card ahead of the curve.
I'm waiting to be assigned to a supervising barrister.
- Oh, right.
Well, officially - You haven't taken your decision yet, - which pupil you'll go with? - Not my decision.
I get what I'm given.
Even so, it's nice to be wanted.
I appreciate you probably get this all the time - but I've read everything you've written.
- Ha! Well, that shouldn't have taken too long.
Your arguments on heteronormativity, intersectionality and surrogacy are seriously progressive.
I just assumed you were younger.
Still a very conservative institution, Frencham Street.
In a way, that's why I wanted to come here.
Shake it up a bit.
You do know that the total percentage of black, Asian and minority ethnic background barristers is still only 12.
7%.
I mean, you say you've slashed the bias towards the privately-educated candidate but just a reminder that statistically I'm an anomaly to have got this far.
Just wanted to get that in.
Good to know.
I'll see you later.
2pm, my office.
Like I said, I don't choose.
Informed this morning.
Thanks.
Rex, stop calling me.
Stop sending me late night text messages and stop asking for my forgiveness.
Congratulations.
I'm really glad that your pilot is going again.
I'm really glad that you're getting on so well with your ex-wife, - but let's be clear, if I ever see you again - There you are.
Thanks.
It will be too soon.
So just leave me to my shitty life and go and enjoy your beautiful new LA bubble.
Hello.
Hello.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- How lovely.
- Thank you.
The new office looks great, despite the fact I can't work the coffee machine.
Rumour is true.
I am back, and you'll be pleased to know that we are now fully functioning - in midtown Chicago.
- Whoo! I'd like to thank Ruth for stepping into the fray and smoothing over the merger, in spite of her retirement.
We now set you free with our gratitude and good wishes.
Nina, glad you could join us.
Incidentally, Ruth, congratulations on your forthcoming award.
Attendance is mandatory, so ringside seats all round.
Now go.
Run wild! Moving on, I'd like to introduce Tyler Donoghue.
- Hi.
Great to be here, guys.
- Hi.
Tyler is a management consultant and one-time lawyer who's going to help us here for a while.
Ah, don't let the accent kid you.
Five years in Chicago, three years in Toronto before that.
It's great to be here.
I've heard so much about you.
I specialise in mergers, which can be a difficult time.
Two often very different work cultures coming together takes time, so team-building where I can.
Well, we've made a few adjustments and my hope is that everything is running smoothly now.
- Good to hear.
- And again, thank you.
The plan is for Tyler to help us oversee a programme of review.
Point up where we can rationalise.
Any new merger is an opportunity to do due diligence, scrutinise practice, look to cut away fat.
He's on our side, really.
And so to business.
Hannah, Christie.
Yes.
Flagged business today.
In particular, the Lady Lexford prenup.
Ours is not to ask the reason why.
- It may be her fourth - Fifth.
- fifth marriage.
- Yeah.
Love finds where it falls.
Even if it falls quite a lot for Lady Lexford.
Er, the Murray, Parson and Lykvel divorce, they all look like they're heading to court.
Fallout from Indiana Ray's still keeping business booming.
Extramarital affair website.
Client list leaked three months ago.
- The Ahmadi appeal.
- That's still going.
Well, we're wrapping it up slowly, slowly.
Mr Ahmadi can be tricky.
And there are some clients that just won't let one gracefully retire.
Anything else of interest? Er, possible high profile client, entertainment industry, wanting to review her prenup.
She's 50% of a powerful brand, three children, assets here and abroad, a production company.
She's under the illusion that she will share these assets.
But, on reviewing her prenup, it doesn't look like that.
And it's one that I would have advised her not to sign.
- Plus, it includes an NDA.
- Track it.
We want more high profile, high revenue cases, please.
But clearly, you've been managing beautifully.
I must remember to go away more often.
I've missed you guys.
I think of you as my family and, as family, I wanted to share my good news.
Full disclosure.
Tyler's not only a very welcome addition to the Noble Hale Defoe team, we're getting married.
Oh.
- Wow.
- Congratulations.
Thank you.
- Congratulations.
- No.
No, please, stop.
- That's brilliant.
Congratulations.
- Thank you.
That's quite a souvenir.
Is it me, or is that totally inappropriate? Totally inappropriate.
He has tiny feet.
Oh, post these.
- Sure.
- I'll talk to her.
- Bishop Tony - Oh, I thought he was tomorrow.
- I did, too.
- Oh, God, Hannah, please, no.
I had two vodkas last night, that's all, and I feel like crap.
Fine.
No delay.
Straight into the intro.
Don't leave me hanging.
MOBILE RINGS - Where are you? - Just coming in now.
First verse, second verse.
Into chorus.
Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam.
Bam! Energy, yeah? You good? Happy? Hey.
OK.
What have we got? Er, no, no, no.
Silver.
Let's go with the silver.
Silver always makes her skin pop in the light, yeah? Babe? Hey, smile.
I think I'm coming down with whatever Dexter's got.
OK, let's go again.
One more.
- Here we go.
- Why's she leaving? Whoa, whoa.
Why does our nanny suddenly want to go? Grace Grace, can you be stand-in for my gorgeous wife, please? - Yeah, sure.
- Thank you.
Hey, why don't you, um ? Why don't you go rest up? I see you're starting to look a little baggy round the eyes.
Don't forget we've got dinner with Amazon tonight, yeah? All right.
Let's go through that opening again.
Yeah? All right.
Here we go.
MUSIC BEGINS We bill the usual six-minute units.
- These are all the partners.
- Yes.
Down to the associates.
And you are ? Junior solicitor, though you may not know it.
I hang somewhere between courier and assistant.
But, hey, that's five years out of law school for you.
Helps when you have your name above the door.
Enough said.
So you don't order according to revenue, so you can clearly assess who's bringing in what? No.
We organise by partner.
OK.
I'll also need everyone's passwords, just for their work e-mails.
Congratulations.
Being in Chicago raises your game.
You should try it.
I know you had your reasons to stay in London, but tell me you've managed to sort them out now.
I don't need drama.
Chicago was drama.
- No drama.
- Good.
So we're on the same page.
Mr Ahmadi, how's that racehorse? - Wonderful.
- Khanomha lotfan az-in-taraf.
Oh, and thank you.
You're next, buddy.
After you.
You've left your brain behind with a pilot.
And by the time you open your parachute, you're hurtling down towards the ground.
Standing with both feet ready to land.
Wow.
Sounds like hell.
Some might call it a death wish.
You've been married 48 years, Tony.
And, respectfully are you sure you want to do this now? Five children, 12 grandchildren.
This is not skydiving.
It's on my list.
Along with bungee jumping from the San Francisco Bridge - and climbing Machu Picchu.
- All of which you can do.
- I want to divorce my wife.
- And God won't mind? God is not my jailer.
To each are given free will to decide.
I've been to Thailand and a lady bar, and it's all proved interesting and fine.
But now I want a divorce.
It's time.
It's number ten on my bucket list, and I've exhausted the other nine.
- You love your wife.
- Yes.
- And you have a nice life with her.
- I do.
Then why do you want to leave her now? Because I can.
Because to do is to dare.
I'm not unhappy.
Neither do I wake excited about my day.
Except when I think of divorcing my wife.
And then the possibilities seem endless.
Haven't you wanted to shake things up? I mean, do you look forward to your day? Um, not always.
I've been married to my wife for 48 years, and nothing untoward has happened.
I've risen up the ranks of the Church, had children and found my way.
But, over time, life calcifies.
To expect the promises we made to one another several decades ago to still feel the same, it's a tall ask.
And your wife? I haven't told her yet.
I will.
The most important thing is that she's OK.
I want nothing.
I leave her everything.
We were, in fact, scheduled to meet you tomorrow.
Why not give it 24 hours? We can reconvene.
I won't change my mind.
What is faith but a leap in the dark? Really.
We're all so afraid.
- 48 years.
- 48 or four.
- If he's unhappy.
- Can bishops even divorce? Don't have a fundamental sense of responsibility or duty.
God, we're all screwed when the bishops start to walk out.
Nina, hi.
Is this your office? - It is.
- That's a lot of floor space for one person.
- Is it me or is he really starting to grate? - Can you file this? - Can't Maggie? - She's not your assistant.
Yeah, and I hear it's really starting to grate.
What, she said that? She said that.
I really don't like that man.
- Yes, but we don't say that out loud.
- Why can't I? - Ah.
- OK, quick question.
You know that picture in Mum's hallway of us and the neighbours with Mum and Dad in the kaftan? Mum, not Dad.
Oh, the one where Prof Ronnie looks like a paedophile? Exactly, yes.
You look like Mum and you look like Dad.
I don't like anyone.
- Because you came with the monkeys.
- Yada, yada, yada.
This conversation is making no sense.
You should get some sleep because you're jet-lagged.
Or, maybe you think about this stuff when you're having a kid because, officially, at five weeks, the foetus is the size of an apple seed, although, and close your ears if you're queasy when I say this.
Um - Shit, I'm pregnant.
- BOTH: No! By nine weeks, he or she, it will have ear lobes.
- He or she! - And have hair follicles.
That's so weird.
That's really creepy and amazing.
All right.
- People have babies.
- Mm.
It's no big deal.
I swear I've still got Dad's ashes under my fingernails.
Mm.
OK, five seconds.
You get five seconds.
- BOTH: Yes! - You're having a baby.
We're going to be aunties.
Yeah.
You're having a baby.
What's wrong with you? - Yeah! - Yeah! Girls.
Girls, girls.
Please.
I'm trying to start my meeting.
What is going on? - OK.
- EXCITED SHRIEKING This place has gone to pot.
Your first six is always daunting, - but I'm sure you'll find your feet.
- Thank you very much.
You ready? So, er Chloe, what brought you to the law? The desire to effect change, putting the clients first.
A belief in fairness, a certain ethic to the way one lives.
OK, so that's the law school pitch.
Let's rewind and start again.
My parents divorced when I was five.
My mother remarried unhappily when I was ten.
By the time I was 15, I was helping her fill out forms for housing benefits to escape a marriage she never left because she never found a lawyer who could help her understand there was a way out from a kind of living death.
People stay in marriages they're unhappy in.
In public, they're the couple we all know and love but, in private, they've excused themselves.
The marriage is in a kind of emotional and sexual limbo.
We even have a legal term for it.
A mensa et thoro: from table and bed.
What we do: we help them escape.
Rowing, that's unusual.
- All girls college.
- Yeah.
- Uh Moving on Um.
- SCHOOL BELL RINGS Buenas noches, Senor Lopez.
Hasta luego, Olivia.
- Olivia.
- He so wants you.
Shut up.
- Hi, Ralphy.
- Hey.
- How was your day? - Good, thank you.
Yours? - Yeah, good.
- Good.
- What did you learn? - We're studying Winston Churchill in English.
- Ah, boring.
Did you get any homework? - No.
No? Oh, lucky you.
- Ralph.
- Hey.
- In the car, baby.
- It's fine.
- I said till the end of the week.
- Give me your keys.
Keys! Hello, stranger.
You still up for book club at yours this week? Yeah.
Really looking forward to it.
I'll put it on the WhatsApp.
What time, eight? - Sounds good.
- OK.
See you.
You want to leave? Why do you suddenly want to leave? I don't want to do this now.
Please, Fi, will you just let me get my stuff? Stay in the car, Ralph.
In the car.
- Why? - You're upsetting the kids.
You've been with us, what? Five years.
All of a sudden you want to leave.
No explanation.
Not to Richie, not to me, nothing.
That's my door key.
Ralph has a dentist appointment tomorrow at 6pm.
He needs another filling.
I don't know why, he just does.
Callum's at a friend's, and Dexter, Dexter last had his medicine at - Why? - Why do you think? You know why.
You know, Fi.
That's my handbag.
- You gave that to me.
- Oh.
Oh, my God.
You're a liar.
You're right.
You should leave.
I want you out.
Take your purse, and your skanky make-up, and get out of our lives because you steal.
- Fi, what? - You steal.
It's all right.
It's all right.
Mummy's OK.
Working late? Oh, no, leave it open.
- I don't want people to think - Think what? Fi Hansen.
Interesting.
I saw her being sneaked out the back way.
- Mm.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- This is - Circa 2005.
- Oh, she won the jungle thing.
So you do watch those shows.
No, I have teenagers.
It's non-negotiable viewing.
Clause 8, no longer applicable.
Actually not enforceable, and very unethical.
Yeah, agreed.
Fiona will make a commitment to stay fit and active - and take care of her appearance.
- Signed under duress? Yeah.
Two days before the wedding.
You could argue it refers to the maintenance of their brand.
I don't see him agreeing to work out.
He's a music producer.
He spends most of his life behind a music desk.
That first album alone.
What was that boy band's name? Three big guys, one little guy.
Damn.
Sounds like a postcard.
Please, please tell me Lauren listed this in the unreasonable behaviour particulars of your divorce.
Along with work addiction and PlayStation at night.
You're not selling yourself very well.
Already gone to the highest bidder.
- What? - Beard.
You looked happy with your sisters earlier.
- Rose is having a baby.
- Ah.
Really? Mazel tov.
Well, it'll make tonight more interesting.
Yeah, I should be at Grayling was wondering if tomorrow - that meeting - Can we cool it with, you know, the Grayling thing? - Are you OK? - Um, yeah.
Just don't you ever feel guilty? No.
Neither should you.
- How long have we got? - Average wait for a Deliveroo.
And unto Mary a child was born.
Are you genetically predisposed to just not being able to keep a secret? It's a medically proven fact.
It's not a good idea to shout at a woman when she's pregnant.
- But beer's OK? - I'm wetting the baby's head.
Rose - Genius.
- Thank you.
Where's Hannah? Late.
MUSIC: In Between Days by The Cure More plates.
- Sorry.
I'm sorry.
- Ice cream? What do you do with your day? - Buenos noches, mama.
- Hey.
Why's your chin all red? Er, chlorine.
I think it's chlorine.
- Or the menopause.
- Thank you.
You smell like Polos.
Yay! Oh, and this is Rose with a Sri Lankan water buffalo.
- Interesting fact about water buffalo.
- Playing hooky? Ingenious.
MOBILE ALER Here we are.
My little girl.
Don't get too used to this.
Oh, this is interesting.
Someone doesn't like the loss of attention.
I hope he's going to be tall, though that somehow seems unlikely.
You are a horrible person.
- Who's the boy? - Friend from school.
MOBILE ALER 30 miles an hour they travel.
That's the last samosa, you little shit! You licked it! That's so disgusting! - - Oh - Mmm, this is delicious.
- It's interesting, hormones make you hot.
- At this stage? - Do you think it's going to be a boy or a girl? Oh, no, please.
No more girls.
Hey! You know, they say you can tell how many children you're going to have by the lines on your left hand.
- What?! - See, just down the side of your little finger.
See, I've got three.
- None.
I've got none.
- I've got five.
Well, it's definitely wrong, Grandma, else Mum would've had four, unless you're planning on having another one.
Are you not telling us something? Thank you.
- MOBILE ALER - Hannah! - Turn it off.
- Sorry.
Did you go to any temples? Yeah.
Yeah, we went to three.
- - I think it's going to be a boy.
Dad's last gift to me.
Is that right? I got moths and a crematorium bill.
- DOORBELL RINGS - I'll get it.
If that's Barbara next door, tell her we've already found God.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Work thing overran.
I think you have our child.
- Yes.
Yes.
- Callum.
- He's somewhere inside.
Come in.
- OK.
Callum! I don't think we've met.
Richie.
- Hi.
- Curse of secondary school.
You know, years of play dates.
Can't get rid of the parents, and then Then it's six months of dump and drive and you hardly meet anyone! - Fi.
- Hannah.
You get to dump and drive? We're under strictest orders to stay at least 200 yards away.
- Nathan.
- Richie.
I think I've met your nanny.
Oh, yeah.
Who we've just fired.
- Oh.
- Mm.
Stole a handbag.
- Mm! - Oh, no.
Unlucky.
Hey, buster! - Hey, Dad.
- Got all your stuff? - Yeah.
Just give me a second.
- Just morphs and grows.
- I try to tame it, but - OK.
Come on.
Hey, look lively.
- Let's go.
- Yes, Dad.
Oh, that's hangry.
Been in the studio all day.
Poor love.
Yeah well, we've got to go home, get changed, go back out again and they say there's going to be dinner, and you get there, it's a couple of rank canapés This one, I think, is coming down with something - It's doing the rounds.
- Mm.
- You an Arsenal fan? - Fully paid up member.
- Private box, mate.
Yeah, you should bring, um - Vinnie.
to the next game.
Seriously.
It'd be lovely to have you there.
- Wow.
Great.
Great! Thank you.
- Come on, buddy boy.
- Thank you for having me.
- Yeah.
- All right.
Nice to meet you guys.
- I'll see you out.
Lift it up mate, come on.
It's late.
Can we just forget today? I blame Tabby.
Bloody shots.
Next thing you know, I'm meeting a divorce lawyer! Family law.
I'm actually People call us that, but - You left your paperwork.
- Oh, no, don't give it to me now.
It's fine.
I'll get it couriered back to your house tomorrow.
Fi! Fi! Or if you prefer, I have a window first thing.
There's a couple of points that - might be worth talking about.
- Let's go.
What is she doing? - Fi?! - Sleep on it.
- Can we go home, please? - If you're coming down with a cold, your head might be clearer in the morning.
We're reading that in book club.
Oh, yeah, er Jack Brodeur.
Guilty pleasure.
OK.
Night.
That was Weird.
Oh, mother of God.
Thank you.
I have a feeling this is going to be at my expense.
So, I was going through all the old shit in my bedroom, and I found these little gems.
Let me take you through the many moods of Ruth Alice - Wow! - Why, thank you.
- Defoe.
- Oh! Oh, wow.
That is a mullet worthy of Kevin Keegan.
- Who's Kevin Keegan? - Oh, I despair.
- Dad had an earring? - Yes, he did.
Yeah, you're right.
Prof Ronnie does look like a paedophile.
- With a touch of Fred West.
- No! I love Prof Ronnie.
Yeah, he was a very nice man.
Where's my glasses? I never have my glasses.
We used to be quite friendly with him and his wife for a bit.
- Bet you were, he's wearing Speedos! - It was summer.
One would almost say dental floss.
That's the problem with your generation: you all so prurient.
- Look, we should make a bonfire.
- ALL: No! Why are all the photos of Dad always with Hannah or Rose? There's not a single one with just him with me.
- Yes, there is.
- No! Look, there's you.
There's Mum.
Even bloody Maya.
CLINKING GLASS Um, sorry.
Sorry.
Um Rose wanted me to say something.
Now that you all know that, indeed, we are with child THEY CHEER I'd like to put to rest the concerns - about my procreation ability - Ha, ha! Thank you, Nina.
and enjoy what we do best being a family.
Getting a little moist, there? - Moist? Moist? - Yeah! ALL: Yes! And, to second that, I would like to personally say bon voyage to a shitty, shitty few months because I, for one, am very grateful I'm still here.
There is nowhere else I'd rather be.
You're going to get really fat! They seem nice.
- What does she do? - Lawyer.
Family lawyer.
Hangry? Hey, don't ever patronise me in front of people like that again.
Yeah? Hm? Are they running it? Well, they've gone with the handbag line, at least.
See, I told you I'd sort it.
Thank you.
Don't I always? What if she goes to the press? And says what? - MOBILE VIBRATES - Ooh Ali? Yeah.
Yeah, I've just seen it.
No, she's fine! Just make sure it's shut down by morning.
No, they always do this.
They crank up the heat when they know you've got a show going out.
Yeah, I know.
Well, it's your job to stay on top of it, Ali.
I'll do my part.
Ha, what could go wrong? Did you know that Richie scored four times in the Children In Need World Cup? You show business whore.
I may maintain a healthy interest in celebrity culture from a socio-anthropological point of view, but to NOT would mean we miss gems like this.
Fi Hansen came to see me this morning.
- Oh, bang go those tickets.
- No, it was just advice.
Nothing more yet.
Dad? My allowance.
Ah, yes, we have considered your application.
And - What did I do wrong? - Nothing.
And her allowance is fine.
Stop trying so hard.
Stop trying to make everything OK.
Like tonight.
You don't need to make it sound better.
You can't make it better.
Are you ever going to be able to forgive me? I'm working on it.
I'm THAT Hannah Stern.
And when people hear my name, or talk amongst their friends, that's what they say.
Do you know how humiliating that is? SHE SIGHS HEAVILY GLASS DINKS SWITCHES TV OFF MOBILE ALER - Thanks.
- The meeting with Mr Grayling's back in.
You want me to confirm it in the diary? - - Already done.
She's here, by the way.
I haven't got long.
I've got to be in the studio in less than an hour.
OK.
I've marked it up.
No obligation.
But if I was to give any advice, I would change the terms of your prenup by signing a post-nup.
I find this document disturbing, not least because whoever did advise you, let you sign a suffocating NDA.
- Now there are - She didn't steal a handbag.
She slept with my husband.
I'm so embarrassed.
Don't be.
I'm THAT Hannah Stern.
It wasn't a nanny, but he did sleep with her four times.
I'm sorry.
First time, it was with my PA.
Nice girl, from Cardiff.
Second time, an actress.
Never screw an actress.
But again, he shut it down.
Then, after that, I think I just stopped looking.
It gets easier the more you ignore it.
Only this time, the kids really loved her, love her.
So how do I get out? He mustn't find out.
There are things that we can do, things we can put in place to set the process in motion.
You start by writing it all down.
Give it a title.
I'm old school.
I prefer a notebook.
But there are those that keep it on their phone.
A list.
Every woman should have one.
Give it a title.
Birthday list, things to do, Ocado, whatever you like.
A record of his unreasonable behaviour.
Anything you feel uncomfortable with, anything you don't like.
We can prepare carefully in order to minimise the impact on you and the children.
Are you scared of him? I love this place.
You brought me here.
I was 19 and wet behind the ears and you took me in.
Three months in the post room and on my last day you brought me here and said, "Don't give up the day job.
" Thank God you didn't listen.
And now that's exactly what you're asking of me.
Why don't you teach? And before you say no, you're too brilliant to go to waste.
- If you need any contacts - Thank you, Zander.
Very gracefully done, but I'm fine.
I have one or two of my own I'm sure I can call upon.
Being engaged suits you.
And on that note, I may need a favour from you.
I've asked Christie to join us.
I thought you'd made the dream team for my pre-nup.
Excuse me? I wonder if you could help me.
I've been waiting.
But the young lady said - I'm Bishop Tony's wife.
- Ah! Um Of course.
Why don't you take a seat? I erm I found that there's a meeting in his diary for today and I tried to call, but I didn't know what to say.
I presumed it was a church thing, but it's family law.
- Mrs Venwell - I found this list.
Well, I humoured his adventures, but it's It's number ten.
It's number ten.
"Leave Amanda.
" We've known one another since we were children.
I thought we were happy.
He was shaving.
And then I just found him on the floor with his stupid list.
He's dead.
I'm so sorry.
Number 10 "Leave Amanda.
" Was Was he planning to? I'm afraid we can't discuss that.
- It's client confidentiality.
- Everything.
"Leave Amanda everything.
" We're family lawyers.
It was a probate matter.
That's what I thought.
Yes.
Thank you.
That's SHE TRAILS OFF Maggie, sorry Would you mind getting Mrs Venwell a cup of tea? Sure.
- What are you doing? - What? We all have lists, Nina.
Things we want to do, things we fantasise about, but we don't just drop them on people.
We take time.
We consider.
We think about the consequences.
We prepare to minimise the heartbreak.
It's called calculated risk.
Or lying.
Right, I don't care if you like it or not, but it's spag bol for tea.
Hello? CHILDREN ARGUING Auntie Rose! Coming.
- Help! - I didn't do anything! Rose? In a minute.
In a minute.
I'll be there a minute.
I listen to you Like an old friend Oh, God.
I talk - To you - TOILET FLUSHES Like an old friend How did we come here? RETCHES AND VOMITS Out of the blue here Oh, don't overthink the craziness It's all down to you Oh, shit.
Hey, love.
I might be late.
I need a swim.
I'm going to head to the gym.
Rosie's dropped by and she's feeding everyone.
She can stay until Liv gets back from piano.
So, don't hurry if you're stuck at work.
OK.
Bye.
Then smile So tight 'Cos you're still near "Hey, love.
Might be late.
Need a swim.
I'm going to head to the gym.
Donde esta mama? Esta en la piscina! Your accent is terrible.
Oh, don't overthink the craziness It's all down to you So hold me now And kiss me like it's the first time Don't make a sound Be shy like it's the first time
- Slipping.
- Pinch, punch, first of the month.
No returns.
- You're so lame, Vinnie.
- Chin up, buttercup.
- You know, this is child labour, right? What else could you possibly be for? - Crisps constitute breakfast then? - Race you to the tree.
- Vinnie, wait for me! - We are terrible parents.
MOBILE ALER Why are your family always late? - SHE SIGHS - I've got to be in court at nine.
OK.
How do we, how do we do this? SHE MUMBLES I've never done this whole dead dad stuff before.
- Can we just get on with it, please? - Can we all just ? Oh, God.
Look.
- Oh, my God.
- Take a handful.
- Gross.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- Look.
Urgh.
Or alternatively, use a cup.
- That's a good idea.
- Thanks.
- Right.
Here we go.
- Not with your hands.
God.
I think someone should say something.
No, not you.
You wanted to flush him down the loo.
Can we move this along? I have a very busy day.
You do it.
- I don't - Yes.
- I can't Really? - Grandpa.
Even though Grandma says you were a dirty dog and couldn't help yourself, I thought you were all right.
And even though we didn't know you for very long, - something is better than nothing.
- Ha.
And thank you for the condom.
LAUGHING - Right.
- OK, Dad Dad.
- Jesus.
- It's everywhere.
- To Oscar.
- Oscar.
- Grandad.
- Dad.
- Bye, Grandpa.
- Bye, Dad.
Grandpa's still stuck to the cup.
- OK.
All right.
Cease and desist.
- Urgh, disgusting.
- Come here.
- Oh, God.
Bye, Grandad.
I know.
You OK? Goodbye, Oscar.
Oh, yes.
That wonderful Defoe sentiment.
Condom? Really? Ruth, are we seeing you tonight? Tonight I I can't, Nathan.
- I have a meeting with a client.
- Well, rearrange.
James has put his photos into a slide show and everything.
Oh, God.
We'll definitely need wine.
There's nothing in the fridge.
Seriously.
Well, that's why Deliveroo was invented.
Great.
Great.
The Sullivan appeal.
Have you lodged the skeleton argument? You know, it has to be filed within 14 days of your appellant's notice? - Just a thought.
- Mother, when are you leaving again? Hannah Does the D look a little small to you? We've talked about this.
Sorry.
Sorry.
That's ridiculous.
- And again? - Ridiculous.
I'm so hot.
Can we get these moved, please? Meeting room four.
Thank you, Dee.
Christie, you're very early.
What have you got to hide? Two prenups and a freezing injunction but frisk me if you like.
- Hannah - Christie.
Don't forget, Mr Grayling tonight.
Yeah, I need to reschedule tonight.
Rose is back from travelling, and we do this whole how the hell does this slide show thing work, whilst arguing the merits of Indian takeaway over Thai.
- Yay.
- Sorry.
Really? We've already cancelled twice.
Grayling, Grayling Is he in - Shipping.
- I don't know a Grayling.
- Comes into town from - Time to time.
Time, yep.
Nathan just sprung it on me.
I got you something.
- Ah, I don't think they're going to fit me.
- Humour me.
Don't start what you can't finish.
This way you can let yourself in any time.
I dare you.
Hannah! Um I will, er, bear that in mind.
Great.
Good.
Yep.
- Your nine o'clock is already here.
- Oh.
Fi Hansen.
Total girl crush.
She came up in the service lift.
Love Won't Leave You Alone? Made up the entire soundtrack to my teenage years.
Well, I've got two decades on you.
It's a blur, post-Blur.
Right, I have to get these to court for the Toynton Appeal.
Go, go, go, go.
I've got this.
Um, got it.
Sorry I'm early.
I could have circled one more time, but I think my driver just wanted to get me in.
I always freak out there's going to be paps.
- MOBILE ALER - Ah, Hannah Stern.
Sorry, it's my youngest.
He's been up all night coughing and now my nanny's saying she wants to resign.
Sorry.
Worst week to have a show starting.
- I'm With The Band.
- I know.
Naff name for a show, isn't it? I'm not crazy.
Those trailers have been haunting me in my sleep.
They're really pushing the whole strip back, back to basics, real music thing.
But, at the end of the day, it's just another talent show - and who wants that? - MOBILE ALER Shit hits the fan at home and I'm just meant to juggle all of it sans nanny.
You'd think after five years, she'd give me a bit more notice than a week, wouldn't you? Sorry.
- It's OK.
- Kids are going to go ape shit.
- Mrs Hansen - Fi.
Fi's fine.
How can I help you? Er, no biggie, really.
I was just gassing with the girls and someone said that you're the best.
It's my prenup.
It's been 14 years.
And Tabby, she's my guru and friend.
Long story short, she got screwed, basically.
Husband turns out to be gay, which is fine.
But when it came to her divorce, apparently, the prenup really matters and she only got half of what she felt she was owed.
So I just wanted to be sure that I was protected, or provided for If you were to divorce.
No, no, no.
We've been together forever.
No.
Sorry.
It's just more advice I wanted.
I haven't really read it since I was married.
MOBILE ALER He's a brilliant dad.
- MOBILE ALER - Just when it comes to our childcare arrangements, he doesn't really give a shit.
Um if it's any consolation, my kids had crisps and a chocolate bar for breakfast.
MOBILE ALER Oh! Now he's ranting that I'm late for a fitting.
Sorry.
They just pop up on my calendar.
I can't really do this right now.
It's a really bad time.
I need to reschedule.
Take your time.
Call me whenever you're ready.
Any time.
Your son's Vinnie, Vinnie Stern.
My son's in his class, Callum.
Callum.
Oh, of course.
Sorry.
Callum.
Yes.
Yes, I know Callum.
I'm hopeless with the whole mum thing.
I know no-one.
I don't think I've been to a cake sale - since they were five.
- What's your secret? You should know, anything we discuss is held in the strictest confidence.
I knew who you were before I came.
I knew you were THAT Hannah Stern.
A friend of my sister's got stung with the whole Indiana Ray thing, so I just figured you'd understand.
That stuff sticks.
We're all clickbait at the end of the day.
Well, I'm sure people are much more interested in you than they are in me.
Maggie - Yeah.
- Will you show Mrs Hansen out? Sure.
- Thanks.
- This way.
RETCHING Oh, my God.
I hate you right now.
I didn't make us pregnant.
Are we pregnant? Er, kind of did.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
No, I've changed my mind.
This is a bad idea.
You can't No, this is your fault.
I can't I can't do this.
No.
Yes, you can.
- Oh, my gosh.
- And I will be there, helping you get that - watermelon out of your vajoozi? - La, la, la, la, la.
Not comforting.
- HE LAUGHS - Not comforting right now.
- I'm calling Hannah.
- No, we tell everyone together.
- Yes.
- Rose.
Yeah.
We tell everyone together.
HE LAUGHS - Milk's out.
- Thank you.
Er Do you mind if I walk with you? Chloe Howell, I'm one of the new pupils.
Business card ahead of the curve.
I'm waiting to be assigned to a supervising barrister.
- Oh, right.
Well, officially - You haven't taken your decision yet, - which pupil you'll go with? - Not my decision.
I get what I'm given.
Even so, it's nice to be wanted.
I appreciate you probably get this all the time - but I've read everything you've written.
- Ha! Well, that shouldn't have taken too long.
Your arguments on heteronormativity, intersectionality and surrogacy are seriously progressive.
I just assumed you were younger.
Still a very conservative institution, Frencham Street.
In a way, that's why I wanted to come here.
Shake it up a bit.
You do know that the total percentage of black, Asian and minority ethnic background barristers is still only 12.
7%.
I mean, you say you've slashed the bias towards the privately-educated candidate but just a reminder that statistically I'm an anomaly to have got this far.
Just wanted to get that in.
Good to know.
I'll see you later.
2pm, my office.
Like I said, I don't choose.
Informed this morning.
Thanks.
Rex, stop calling me.
Stop sending me late night text messages and stop asking for my forgiveness.
Congratulations.
I'm really glad that your pilot is going again.
I'm really glad that you're getting on so well with your ex-wife, - but let's be clear, if I ever see you again - There you are.
Thanks.
It will be too soon.
So just leave me to my shitty life and go and enjoy your beautiful new LA bubble.
Hello.
Hello.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- How lovely.
- Thank you.
The new office looks great, despite the fact I can't work the coffee machine.
Rumour is true.
I am back, and you'll be pleased to know that we are now fully functioning - in midtown Chicago.
- Whoo! I'd like to thank Ruth for stepping into the fray and smoothing over the merger, in spite of her retirement.
We now set you free with our gratitude and good wishes.
Nina, glad you could join us.
Incidentally, Ruth, congratulations on your forthcoming award.
Attendance is mandatory, so ringside seats all round.
Now go.
Run wild! Moving on, I'd like to introduce Tyler Donoghue.
- Hi.
Great to be here, guys.
- Hi.
Tyler is a management consultant and one-time lawyer who's going to help us here for a while.
Ah, don't let the accent kid you.
Five years in Chicago, three years in Toronto before that.
It's great to be here.
I've heard so much about you.
I specialise in mergers, which can be a difficult time.
Two often very different work cultures coming together takes time, so team-building where I can.
Well, we've made a few adjustments and my hope is that everything is running smoothly now.
- Good to hear.
- And again, thank you.
The plan is for Tyler to help us oversee a programme of review.
Point up where we can rationalise.
Any new merger is an opportunity to do due diligence, scrutinise practice, look to cut away fat.
He's on our side, really.
And so to business.
Hannah, Christie.
Yes.
Flagged business today.
In particular, the Lady Lexford prenup.
Ours is not to ask the reason why.
- It may be her fourth - Fifth.
- fifth marriage.
- Yeah.
Love finds where it falls.
Even if it falls quite a lot for Lady Lexford.
Er, the Murray, Parson and Lykvel divorce, they all look like they're heading to court.
Fallout from Indiana Ray's still keeping business booming.
Extramarital affair website.
Client list leaked three months ago.
- The Ahmadi appeal.
- That's still going.
Well, we're wrapping it up slowly, slowly.
Mr Ahmadi can be tricky.
And there are some clients that just won't let one gracefully retire.
Anything else of interest? Er, possible high profile client, entertainment industry, wanting to review her prenup.
She's 50% of a powerful brand, three children, assets here and abroad, a production company.
She's under the illusion that she will share these assets.
But, on reviewing her prenup, it doesn't look like that.
And it's one that I would have advised her not to sign.
- Plus, it includes an NDA.
- Track it.
We want more high profile, high revenue cases, please.
But clearly, you've been managing beautifully.
I must remember to go away more often.
I've missed you guys.
I think of you as my family and, as family, I wanted to share my good news.
Full disclosure.
Tyler's not only a very welcome addition to the Noble Hale Defoe team, we're getting married.
Oh.
- Wow.
- Congratulations.
Thank you.
- Congratulations.
- No.
No, please, stop.
- That's brilliant.
Congratulations.
- Thank you.
That's quite a souvenir.
Is it me, or is that totally inappropriate? Totally inappropriate.
He has tiny feet.
Oh, post these.
- Sure.
- I'll talk to her.
- Bishop Tony - Oh, I thought he was tomorrow.
- I did, too.
- Oh, God, Hannah, please, no.
I had two vodkas last night, that's all, and I feel like crap.
Fine.
No delay.
Straight into the intro.
Don't leave me hanging.
MOBILE RINGS - Where are you? - Just coming in now.
First verse, second verse.
Into chorus.
Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam.
Bam! Energy, yeah? You good? Happy? Hey.
OK.
What have we got? Er, no, no, no.
Silver.
Let's go with the silver.
Silver always makes her skin pop in the light, yeah? Babe? Hey, smile.
I think I'm coming down with whatever Dexter's got.
OK, let's go again.
One more.
- Here we go.
- Why's she leaving? Whoa, whoa.
Why does our nanny suddenly want to go? Grace Grace, can you be stand-in for my gorgeous wife, please? - Yeah, sure.
- Thank you.
Hey, why don't you, um ? Why don't you go rest up? I see you're starting to look a little baggy round the eyes.
Don't forget we've got dinner with Amazon tonight, yeah? All right.
Let's go through that opening again.
Yeah? All right.
Here we go.
MUSIC BEGINS We bill the usual six-minute units.
- These are all the partners.
- Yes.
Down to the associates.
And you are ? Junior solicitor, though you may not know it.
I hang somewhere between courier and assistant.
But, hey, that's five years out of law school for you.
Helps when you have your name above the door.
Enough said.
So you don't order according to revenue, so you can clearly assess who's bringing in what? No.
We organise by partner.
OK.
I'll also need everyone's passwords, just for their work e-mails.
Congratulations.
Being in Chicago raises your game.
You should try it.
I know you had your reasons to stay in London, but tell me you've managed to sort them out now.
I don't need drama.
Chicago was drama.
- No drama.
- Good.
So we're on the same page.
Mr Ahmadi, how's that racehorse? - Wonderful.
- Khanomha lotfan az-in-taraf.
Oh, and thank you.
You're next, buddy.
After you.
You've left your brain behind with a pilot.
And by the time you open your parachute, you're hurtling down towards the ground.
Standing with both feet ready to land.
Wow.
Sounds like hell.
Some might call it a death wish.
You've been married 48 years, Tony.
And, respectfully are you sure you want to do this now? Five children, 12 grandchildren.
This is not skydiving.
It's on my list.
Along with bungee jumping from the San Francisco Bridge - and climbing Machu Picchu.
- All of which you can do.
- I want to divorce my wife.
- And God won't mind? God is not my jailer.
To each are given free will to decide.
I've been to Thailand and a lady bar, and it's all proved interesting and fine.
But now I want a divorce.
It's time.
It's number ten on my bucket list, and I've exhausted the other nine.
- You love your wife.
- Yes.
- And you have a nice life with her.
- I do.
Then why do you want to leave her now? Because I can.
Because to do is to dare.
I'm not unhappy.
Neither do I wake excited about my day.
Except when I think of divorcing my wife.
And then the possibilities seem endless.
Haven't you wanted to shake things up? I mean, do you look forward to your day? Um, not always.
I've been married to my wife for 48 years, and nothing untoward has happened.
I've risen up the ranks of the Church, had children and found my way.
But, over time, life calcifies.
To expect the promises we made to one another several decades ago to still feel the same, it's a tall ask.
And your wife? I haven't told her yet.
I will.
The most important thing is that she's OK.
I want nothing.
I leave her everything.
We were, in fact, scheduled to meet you tomorrow.
Why not give it 24 hours? We can reconvene.
I won't change my mind.
What is faith but a leap in the dark? Really.
We're all so afraid.
- 48 years.
- 48 or four.
- If he's unhappy.
- Can bishops even divorce? Don't have a fundamental sense of responsibility or duty.
God, we're all screwed when the bishops start to walk out.
Nina, hi.
Is this your office? - It is.
- That's a lot of floor space for one person.
- Is it me or is he really starting to grate? - Can you file this? - Can't Maggie? - She's not your assistant.
Yeah, and I hear it's really starting to grate.
What, she said that? She said that.
I really don't like that man.
- Yes, but we don't say that out loud.
- Why can't I? - Ah.
- OK, quick question.
You know that picture in Mum's hallway of us and the neighbours with Mum and Dad in the kaftan? Mum, not Dad.
Oh, the one where Prof Ronnie looks like a paedophile? Exactly, yes.
You look like Mum and you look like Dad.
I don't like anyone.
- Because you came with the monkeys.
- Yada, yada, yada.
This conversation is making no sense.
You should get some sleep because you're jet-lagged.
Or, maybe you think about this stuff when you're having a kid because, officially, at five weeks, the foetus is the size of an apple seed, although, and close your ears if you're queasy when I say this.
Um - Shit, I'm pregnant.
- BOTH: No! By nine weeks, he or she, it will have ear lobes.
- He or she! - And have hair follicles.
That's so weird.
That's really creepy and amazing.
All right.
- People have babies.
- Mm.
It's no big deal.
I swear I've still got Dad's ashes under my fingernails.
Mm.
OK, five seconds.
You get five seconds.
- BOTH: Yes! - You're having a baby.
We're going to be aunties.
Yeah.
You're having a baby.
What's wrong with you? - Yeah! - Yeah! Girls.
Girls, girls.
Please.
I'm trying to start my meeting.
What is going on? - OK.
- EXCITED SHRIEKING This place has gone to pot.
Your first six is always daunting, - but I'm sure you'll find your feet.
- Thank you very much.
You ready? So, er Chloe, what brought you to the law? The desire to effect change, putting the clients first.
A belief in fairness, a certain ethic to the way one lives.
OK, so that's the law school pitch.
Let's rewind and start again.
My parents divorced when I was five.
My mother remarried unhappily when I was ten.
By the time I was 15, I was helping her fill out forms for housing benefits to escape a marriage she never left because she never found a lawyer who could help her understand there was a way out from a kind of living death.
People stay in marriages they're unhappy in.
In public, they're the couple we all know and love but, in private, they've excused themselves.
The marriage is in a kind of emotional and sexual limbo.
We even have a legal term for it.
A mensa et thoro: from table and bed.
What we do: we help them escape.
Rowing, that's unusual.
- All girls college.
- Yeah.
- Uh Moving on Um.
- SCHOOL BELL RINGS Buenas noches, Senor Lopez.
Hasta luego, Olivia.
- Olivia.
- He so wants you.
Shut up.
- Hi, Ralphy.
- Hey.
- How was your day? - Good, thank you.
Yours? - Yeah, good.
- Good.
- What did you learn? - We're studying Winston Churchill in English.
- Ah, boring.
Did you get any homework? - No.
No? Oh, lucky you.
- Ralph.
- Hey.
- In the car, baby.
- It's fine.
- I said till the end of the week.
- Give me your keys.
Keys! Hello, stranger.
You still up for book club at yours this week? Yeah.
Really looking forward to it.
I'll put it on the WhatsApp.
What time, eight? - Sounds good.
- OK.
See you.
You want to leave? Why do you suddenly want to leave? I don't want to do this now.
Please, Fi, will you just let me get my stuff? Stay in the car, Ralph.
In the car.
- Why? - You're upsetting the kids.
You've been with us, what? Five years.
All of a sudden you want to leave.
No explanation.
Not to Richie, not to me, nothing.
That's my door key.
Ralph has a dentist appointment tomorrow at 6pm.
He needs another filling.
I don't know why, he just does.
Callum's at a friend's, and Dexter, Dexter last had his medicine at - Why? - Why do you think? You know why.
You know, Fi.
That's my handbag.
- You gave that to me.
- Oh.
Oh, my God.
You're a liar.
You're right.
You should leave.
I want you out.
Take your purse, and your skanky make-up, and get out of our lives because you steal.
- Fi, what? - You steal.
It's all right.
It's all right.
Mummy's OK.
Working late? Oh, no, leave it open.
- I don't want people to think - Think what? Fi Hansen.
Interesting.
I saw her being sneaked out the back way.
- Mm.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- This is - Circa 2005.
- Oh, she won the jungle thing.
So you do watch those shows.
No, I have teenagers.
It's non-negotiable viewing.
Clause 8, no longer applicable.
Actually not enforceable, and very unethical.
Yeah, agreed.
Fiona will make a commitment to stay fit and active - and take care of her appearance.
- Signed under duress? Yeah.
Two days before the wedding.
You could argue it refers to the maintenance of their brand.
I don't see him agreeing to work out.
He's a music producer.
He spends most of his life behind a music desk.
That first album alone.
What was that boy band's name? Three big guys, one little guy.
Damn.
Sounds like a postcard.
Please, please tell me Lauren listed this in the unreasonable behaviour particulars of your divorce.
Along with work addiction and PlayStation at night.
You're not selling yourself very well.
Already gone to the highest bidder.
- What? - Beard.
You looked happy with your sisters earlier.
- Rose is having a baby.
- Ah.
Really? Mazel tov.
Well, it'll make tonight more interesting.
Yeah, I should be at Grayling was wondering if tomorrow - that meeting - Can we cool it with, you know, the Grayling thing? - Are you OK? - Um, yeah.
Just don't you ever feel guilty? No.
Neither should you.
- How long have we got? - Average wait for a Deliveroo.
And unto Mary a child was born.
Are you genetically predisposed to just not being able to keep a secret? It's a medically proven fact.
It's not a good idea to shout at a woman when she's pregnant.
- But beer's OK? - I'm wetting the baby's head.
Rose - Genius.
- Thank you.
Where's Hannah? Late.
MUSIC: In Between Days by The Cure More plates.
- Sorry.
I'm sorry.
- Ice cream? What do you do with your day? - Buenos noches, mama.
- Hey.
Why's your chin all red? Er, chlorine.
I think it's chlorine.
- Or the menopause.
- Thank you.
You smell like Polos.
Yay! Oh, and this is Rose with a Sri Lankan water buffalo.
- Interesting fact about water buffalo.
- Playing hooky? Ingenious.
MOBILE ALER Here we are.
My little girl.
Don't get too used to this.
Oh, this is interesting.
Someone doesn't like the loss of attention.
I hope he's going to be tall, though that somehow seems unlikely.
You are a horrible person.
- Who's the boy? - Friend from school.
MOBILE ALER 30 miles an hour they travel.
That's the last samosa, you little shit! You licked it! That's so disgusting! - - Oh - Mmm, this is delicious.
- It's interesting, hormones make you hot.
- At this stage? - Do you think it's going to be a boy or a girl? Oh, no, please.
No more girls.
Hey! You know, they say you can tell how many children you're going to have by the lines on your left hand.
- What?! - See, just down the side of your little finger.
See, I've got three.
- None.
I've got none.
- I've got five.
Well, it's definitely wrong, Grandma, else Mum would've had four, unless you're planning on having another one.
Are you not telling us something? Thank you.
- MOBILE ALER - Hannah! - Turn it off.
- Sorry.
Did you go to any temples? Yeah.
Yeah, we went to three.
- - I think it's going to be a boy.
Dad's last gift to me.
Is that right? I got moths and a crematorium bill.
- DOORBELL RINGS - I'll get it.
If that's Barbara next door, tell her we've already found God.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Work thing overran.
I think you have our child.
- Yes.
Yes.
- Callum.
- He's somewhere inside.
Come in.
- OK.
Callum! I don't think we've met.
Richie.
- Hi.
- Curse of secondary school.
You know, years of play dates.
Can't get rid of the parents, and then Then it's six months of dump and drive and you hardly meet anyone! - Fi.
- Hannah.
You get to dump and drive? We're under strictest orders to stay at least 200 yards away.
- Nathan.
- Richie.
I think I've met your nanny.
Oh, yeah.
Who we've just fired.
- Oh.
- Mm.
Stole a handbag.
- Mm! - Oh, no.
Unlucky.
Hey, buster! - Hey, Dad.
- Got all your stuff? - Yeah.
Just give me a second.
- Just morphs and grows.
- I try to tame it, but - OK.
Come on.
Hey, look lively.
- Let's go.
- Yes, Dad.
Oh, that's hangry.
Been in the studio all day.
Poor love.
Yeah well, we've got to go home, get changed, go back out again and they say there's going to be dinner, and you get there, it's a couple of rank canapés This one, I think, is coming down with something - It's doing the rounds.
- Mm.
- You an Arsenal fan? - Fully paid up member.
- Private box, mate.
Yeah, you should bring, um - Vinnie.
to the next game.
Seriously.
It'd be lovely to have you there.
- Wow.
Great.
Great! Thank you.
- Come on, buddy boy.
- Thank you for having me.
- Yeah.
- All right.
Nice to meet you guys.
- I'll see you out.
Lift it up mate, come on.
It's late.
Can we just forget today? I blame Tabby.
Bloody shots.
Next thing you know, I'm meeting a divorce lawyer! Family law.
I'm actually People call us that, but - You left your paperwork.
- Oh, no, don't give it to me now.
It's fine.
I'll get it couriered back to your house tomorrow.
Fi! Fi! Or if you prefer, I have a window first thing.
There's a couple of points that - might be worth talking about.
- Let's go.
What is she doing? - Fi?! - Sleep on it.
- Can we go home, please? - If you're coming down with a cold, your head might be clearer in the morning.
We're reading that in book club.
Oh, yeah, er Jack Brodeur.
Guilty pleasure.
OK.
Night.
That was Weird.
Oh, mother of God.
Thank you.
I have a feeling this is going to be at my expense.
So, I was going through all the old shit in my bedroom, and I found these little gems.
Let me take you through the many moods of Ruth Alice - Wow! - Why, thank you.
- Defoe.
- Oh! Oh, wow.
That is a mullet worthy of Kevin Keegan.
- Who's Kevin Keegan? - Oh, I despair.
- Dad had an earring? - Yes, he did.
Yeah, you're right.
Prof Ronnie does look like a paedophile.
- With a touch of Fred West.
- No! I love Prof Ronnie.
Yeah, he was a very nice man.
Where's my glasses? I never have my glasses.
We used to be quite friendly with him and his wife for a bit.
- Bet you were, he's wearing Speedos! - It was summer.
One would almost say dental floss.
That's the problem with your generation: you all so prurient.
- Look, we should make a bonfire.
- ALL: No! Why are all the photos of Dad always with Hannah or Rose? There's not a single one with just him with me.
- Yes, there is.
- No! Look, there's you.
There's Mum.
Even bloody Maya.
CLINKING GLASS Um, sorry.
Sorry.
Um Rose wanted me to say something.
Now that you all know that, indeed, we are with child THEY CHEER I'd like to put to rest the concerns - about my procreation ability - Ha, ha! Thank you, Nina.
and enjoy what we do best being a family.
Getting a little moist, there? - Moist? Moist? - Yeah! ALL: Yes! And, to second that, I would like to personally say bon voyage to a shitty, shitty few months because I, for one, am very grateful I'm still here.
There is nowhere else I'd rather be.
You're going to get really fat! They seem nice.
- What does she do? - Lawyer.
Family lawyer.
Hangry? Hey, don't ever patronise me in front of people like that again.
Yeah? Hm? Are they running it? Well, they've gone with the handbag line, at least.
See, I told you I'd sort it.
Thank you.
Don't I always? What if she goes to the press? And says what? - MOBILE VIBRATES - Ooh Ali? Yeah.
Yeah, I've just seen it.
No, she's fine! Just make sure it's shut down by morning.
No, they always do this.
They crank up the heat when they know you've got a show going out.
Yeah, I know.
Well, it's your job to stay on top of it, Ali.
I'll do my part.
Ha, what could go wrong? Did you know that Richie scored four times in the Children In Need World Cup? You show business whore.
I may maintain a healthy interest in celebrity culture from a socio-anthropological point of view, but to NOT would mean we miss gems like this.
Fi Hansen came to see me this morning.
- Oh, bang go those tickets.
- No, it was just advice.
Nothing more yet.
Dad? My allowance.
Ah, yes, we have considered your application.
And - What did I do wrong? - Nothing.
And her allowance is fine.
Stop trying so hard.
Stop trying to make everything OK.
Like tonight.
You don't need to make it sound better.
You can't make it better.
Are you ever going to be able to forgive me? I'm working on it.
I'm THAT Hannah Stern.
And when people hear my name, or talk amongst their friends, that's what they say.
Do you know how humiliating that is? SHE SIGHS HEAVILY GLASS DINKS SWITCHES TV OFF MOBILE ALER - Thanks.
- The meeting with Mr Grayling's back in.
You want me to confirm it in the diary? - - Already done.
She's here, by the way.
I haven't got long.
I've got to be in the studio in less than an hour.
OK.
I've marked it up.
No obligation.
But if I was to give any advice, I would change the terms of your prenup by signing a post-nup.
I find this document disturbing, not least because whoever did advise you, let you sign a suffocating NDA.
- Now there are - She didn't steal a handbag.
She slept with my husband.
I'm so embarrassed.
Don't be.
I'm THAT Hannah Stern.
It wasn't a nanny, but he did sleep with her four times.
I'm sorry.
First time, it was with my PA.
Nice girl, from Cardiff.
Second time, an actress.
Never screw an actress.
But again, he shut it down.
Then, after that, I think I just stopped looking.
It gets easier the more you ignore it.
Only this time, the kids really loved her, love her.
So how do I get out? He mustn't find out.
There are things that we can do, things we can put in place to set the process in motion.
You start by writing it all down.
Give it a title.
I'm old school.
I prefer a notebook.
But there are those that keep it on their phone.
A list.
Every woman should have one.
Give it a title.
Birthday list, things to do, Ocado, whatever you like.
A record of his unreasonable behaviour.
Anything you feel uncomfortable with, anything you don't like.
We can prepare carefully in order to minimise the impact on you and the children.
Are you scared of him? I love this place.
You brought me here.
I was 19 and wet behind the ears and you took me in.
Three months in the post room and on my last day you brought me here and said, "Don't give up the day job.
" Thank God you didn't listen.
And now that's exactly what you're asking of me.
Why don't you teach? And before you say no, you're too brilliant to go to waste.
- If you need any contacts - Thank you, Zander.
Very gracefully done, but I'm fine.
I have one or two of my own I'm sure I can call upon.
Being engaged suits you.
And on that note, I may need a favour from you.
I've asked Christie to join us.
I thought you'd made the dream team for my pre-nup.
Excuse me? I wonder if you could help me.
I've been waiting.
But the young lady said - I'm Bishop Tony's wife.
- Ah! Um Of course.
Why don't you take a seat? I erm I found that there's a meeting in his diary for today and I tried to call, but I didn't know what to say.
I presumed it was a church thing, but it's family law.
- Mrs Venwell - I found this list.
Well, I humoured his adventures, but it's It's number ten.
It's number ten.
"Leave Amanda.
" We've known one another since we were children.
I thought we were happy.
He was shaving.
And then I just found him on the floor with his stupid list.
He's dead.
I'm so sorry.
Number 10 "Leave Amanda.
" Was Was he planning to? I'm afraid we can't discuss that.
- It's client confidentiality.
- Everything.
"Leave Amanda everything.
" We're family lawyers.
It was a probate matter.
That's what I thought.
Yes.
Thank you.
That's SHE TRAILS OFF Maggie, sorry Would you mind getting Mrs Venwell a cup of tea? Sure.
- What are you doing? - What? We all have lists, Nina.
Things we want to do, things we fantasise about, but we don't just drop them on people.
We take time.
We consider.
We think about the consequences.
We prepare to minimise the heartbreak.
It's called calculated risk.
Or lying.
Right, I don't care if you like it or not, but it's spag bol for tea.
Hello? CHILDREN ARGUING Auntie Rose! Coming.
- Help! - I didn't do anything! Rose? In a minute.
In a minute.
I'll be there a minute.
I listen to you Like an old friend Oh, God.
I talk - To you - TOILET FLUSHES Like an old friend How did we come here? RETCHES AND VOMITS Out of the blue here Oh, don't overthink the craziness It's all down to you Oh, shit.
Hey, love.
I might be late.
I need a swim.
I'm going to head to the gym.
Rosie's dropped by and she's feeding everyone.
She can stay until Liv gets back from piano.
So, don't hurry if you're stuck at work.
OK.
Bye.
Then smile So tight 'Cos you're still near "Hey, love.
Might be late.
Need a swim.
I'm going to head to the gym.
Donde esta mama? Esta en la piscina! Your accent is terrible.
Oh, don't overthink the craziness It's all down to you So hold me now And kiss me like it's the first time Don't make a sound Be shy like it's the first time