The Split (2018) s02e03 Episode Script
Season 2, Episode 3
I believe it will be classed as
controlling and coercive behaviour.
Carrie has given a tabloid interview.
I want a divorce.
Not pregnant.
Not pregnant any more Do you mind coming with me? I just need to see in your bag.
It's not that I haven't had the same thoughts.
- I have kids.
- People that you love.
Busted! Why did you ask me not to leave? Because I needed to know if I had made a mistake.
Nina I'm there.
NINA: Hannah! Are you awake? I've made toast.
(PHONE BEEPS) Oh, God.
How many weeks pregnant are you? You know maths was never my strong point.
Eight? Nine? Though there was this very sloppy drinks thingy which culminated in a night with Andy some time past that.
Andy? What, depressed Andy? - Yoga Andy.
- Oh.
- Before Mark, after Rex.
- Wow.
And this is what I missed.
- That doesn't mean - No.
- Nina - I'd be a crap mum.
I don't even like kids much.
You're a 35-year-old lawyer.
Maybe this is the right time.
No.
I've got an appointment for an abortion this afternoon.
- Does Rose ? - (SIGHS) I can't.
(SIGHS) It's hard, keeping a secret like that.
I I'm not saying you have to, - but it will weigh on you.
- Not yet.
Get showered.
Nathan's coming in for the Hansen case.
You got a shirt I can borrow? Blue one, rail.
This isn't even your size.
- It's just stuff.
- Stuff?! You were arrested last night.
Do you know what moves I had to throw to get you off without even a caution? - The lies I had to tell?! - I said thank you.
This isn't a packet of Refreshers on the way to school.
This This is pathological.
You'd be struck off for this.
My God! Calm down.
This place is a tip, Nina.
You're right, you can't look after yourself.
(COAT HANGERS RATTLE) We all have shit, Nina.
We all have shit! - Please can we stop? - Aren't you ? (THEY LAUGH) Aren't you close? This is the fifth time in 12 hours.
I've nothing left, and the doctor said we needed to wait.
But you had your porn face on.
I've got a porn face?! I've not got a porn face.
According to the app, we could be ovulating - this very second.
- Rose! A very nice Polish man - Oh, oh! - Get out! I'll tell him you're getting dressed, or - Get out! - cleaning your teeth! - (DOOR SLAMS) - Please! Aah! PHOTOGRAPHER: Fi! Any comment on Carrie? You on the sofa, mate? Careful, yeah? You keep looking at that sidebar of shame, it'll rot your brain, mate.
(ENGINE STARTS UP) (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK) Hey.
You blur my kids' faces out, or my lawyers will rip you apart.
(TYRES SCREECH) (CAMERA SHUTTERS KEEP CLICKING) (PHONE ALERT) RICHIE: Hey! Put it away.
Screen-free zone.
- I want you in a hotel tonight.
- (SCOFFS) Not happening.
Smile, babe.
United front.
ALI: OK, first up, live radio.
They're going to ask about Carrie, we'll kill it with love.
Good news, you've got Jo, she's geared up and onside.
We're going to drown it with loads of positive coverage.
Haters going to hate, but we're going to keep showing them the love.
- Ali, we need to raise the game here.
- I know.
I'm on it.
So you've got back-to-back calls, right? Couple of internationals.
- All very, very smart, very pro the show.
- You're a star.
Yeah.
Uh, bit of heat from the network.
I've reassured, they're absolutely fine, - we've just got to hold the party line on this.
- Yeah, I'll put in a call.
Fire back with the obvious stuff, you know it's permanency, commitment, quality brand.
You know, show them you can roll with the punches.
It's just going to fade itself out, as long as there's nothing more to stoke it.
- Nah, we're golden.
- I can't do this.
Fi, they win - if you let this crap spook you.
- Richie, you're not listening to me.
- Babe.
- Babe - I've engaged a solicitor.
- (HE LAUGHS) You've engaged a solicitor? - Yes.
- No, no, no.
You've had a couple of drinks with a yummy mummy and she's got in your ear, yeah? So why don't you get some air.
Take one of your rescue remedies.
Your next interview's in 20 minutes.
I'll do this week.
I'll do the show.
But then we're done.
OK I'll say when we're done.
- So, shall I flag that? - No, no, no.
We're all good.
Listen, er find out everything you can about a Hannah Stern.
Family lawyer.
NHD.
Yeah.
RECEPTIONIST: Morning! Keen? Ah, I come bearing gifts.
Double-shot latte and an almond croissant.
Thanks.
Let him carry his own bundles.
It's fine.
Is Nina OK? Ask me another.
Parents' evening tonight.
Vinnie's got the fear.
- You forgot.
- I did not forget.
You forgot! Also, restaurant booked for tomorrow.
Anniversary! Yes, thank you, this is a good feeling.
Relationship goals.
Lauren used to say I'd forgotten every year.
- Not forgotten this year.
"Thank you, Nathan.
" - Thank you, Nathan.
Yeah, real smile, not fake smile.
- Can't we just do a takeaway? - It's 20 years.
Wow.
Richie Hansen will have got my letter this morning.
Petition will follow, but we're on.
And given this morning's press, it won't be difficult to make a case for divorce on the basis of his unreasonable behaviour, including his inappropriate relationship with another woman.
But obviously, they're feeling the heat.
They're high-profile, it's volatile, and all the signs are he won't take this well.
She's keeping a record of his coercive and controlling behaviour? - We're naturally concerned for her wellbeing.
- Naturally.
She's obviously susceptible.
They've been together a long time.
Our client believes, er, Mr Hansen will refuse to move out of the family home.
He's yet to issue a statement denying the affair.
Well, they want to preserve their brand.
Reassure the network.
Talking to our media team, this is a story that's only going to spiral.
There's been, er, rumours about them, er, for a while.
Ah.
The rumours.
Such a cliché, women trapped in marriages that they don't believe they're worthy of getting out of.
Happy to compromise on whatever crap behaviour their spouse throws at them.
- Welcome to family law.
- Not just family law.
People put up with no end of shit in every walk of life.
If Mr Hansen's, er, refusing to move out Well, we can make an application for a non-molestation order, if you're worried about her safety.
Certainly, if she's frightened We can apply without notice.
Well, let's have it ready, and I can discuss it with my client.
Do we know yet who he'll get to represent him? - It'll be one of the big five.
- Yeah, I'd pop for Melanie Aickman.
Melanie! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Dear Melanie.
This is why you brought me in so quickly.
Yeah, well, she poaches you every time.
Sorry, I've got another meeting.
OK.
We can have the application ready and in the district judge's list by tomorrow.
Nathan.
I thought you were here.
I hear you're getting married.
Terrible idea.
(ZANDER LAUGHS) And that's from an expert.
- Two weeks.
I expect you there.
- Invite accepted.
Oh, er, bottom site, languages and science are both in the main hall.
And if I have to tell you again, - we don't touch the wine.
- HANNAH: Ha.
- Parents' evening.
- Oh.
Dodged that ball.
You, er, didn't reply to my e-mail.
Tomorrow.
It was a choice between a party and paintballing.
I decided she'd, er, hate a party more, so Attendance is mandatory.
I mean, I don't give a shit, but Hannah would kill me if you weren't there.
20 years! China! It's china.
Not as in the country, as in cup.
Er, the kids have taken control.
I'm trying not to look, but I have a nasty suspicion something's gone wrong.
Last night, there was a lot of fist-punching gold cats delivered by Amazon, so So the country, then.
Yeah.
Opportunities for racial stereotyping everywhere.
Don't tell Hannah.
Hopeless at keeping a secret, no poker face.
Er, I'm collecting for Hannah's anniversary present.
Ah.
Er yeah.
(FIRE ALARM) Seriously?! What, every week? (ALARM CONTINUES) ZANDER: OK, everyone, let's do this with a smile.
MAGGIE: Everybody downstairs.
Don't use the lifts.
Assembly point is directly opposite.
Ah, a vaper.
Yeah, well, the hard stuff gets you arrested.
Chill, sister.
Someone taking an early lunch? Can one man get more irritating? (FIRE ALARM CONTINUES) We should be at the assembly point.
Christie.
What? (ALARM STOPS) (SCOFFS) (SIGHS) That's That's it? No.
No.
Shouldn't we at least talk? Oh, you want to talk now? Because you seemed pretty clear last night.
Don't be like that.
We have to work together.
We We have to find a way to push this on.
We have to do meetings and interact, and if you - behave the way you're behaving - Behaving?! You're angry, and I get that, but - but this is our place of work - Oh, my God.
Did the last three months just not happen? It happened.
I'm not denying it happened.
But it's It's 20 years.
It's - Yeah.
- 20 years I've been with Nathan.
- Tomorrow.
- Yeah.
Add another five, and it's 25 since we first met.
You want to celebrate that? I I'm sorry.
I I I don't know what I've been doing.
- (SCOFFS) - Christie.
I think you know exactly what you've been doing.
I think you always do.
I think I think you're ambitious.
I think you see something you want, and you go for it, Hannah.
I think you saw me, and you saw unfinished business.
Wow.
Is that the way you want to do this? Is that what you're going to hurl now? Why is it when a man calls a woman ambitious, it's - it's delivered like a negative? - (SIGHS) Yeah.
Yeah, I'm I'm ambitious.
For my work.
For the For the clients that I serve.
But this? This? You think this was about ambition? Do you know how hard this is? Have you ever loved two people? I mean, really, like, gut-wrenchingly loved two people.
Two people so it aches when you don't see them.
A aches when you think of them with anyone else.
I love you.
I love you, Christie.
But Nathan won.
Nathan wins.
My life wins.
And I'm I'm sorry.
Yeah.
(COLLEAGUES APPROACH, CHATTERING) (SNIFFS) OK (SOBS) (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) Moving day.
I'd better get going.
- (BED SPRINGS CREAK) - Ooh! Oops! - God.
- What? This bed is a health hazard.
The dump won't even take it.
- I think Nina was conceived on this.
- Ugh, too much information.
Makes good babies.
Sorry.
Clumsy, clumsy.
It's OK.
You're born with two million eggs at least.
- One of them's bound to - Hatch.
We're good.
We're fine.
- And I'm late for Prof Ronnie.
- You still have a crush on him.
Purely professional.
And for your information, last time I saw him, - no Speedos, fully dressed.
- Ah, Mother, but what lies beneath? Is that funny? Is she being funny? I never get this girl's jokes.
Last of our post.
Anything interesting? - Bills.
- Oh.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) Will Parker.
And his new husband.
- Since when? - Since yesterday.
- I thought he was still in rehab.
- Was.
Is.
That's where they met.
They're giddy.
Ahh, that's love for you.
I'm falling on the side of delusional.
- And I'm guessing his mother - Wants an annulment, and taking no prisoners.
Would you like to burst their bubble, or shall I? (SIGHS) HELEN: The rules of rehab are perfectly clear.
You've known each other a week! - Three months.
- They absconded.
They literally climbed over the wall.
- It's rehab, not Strangeways, Mother.
- Will you talk to him, Hannah, please? - We love each other.
- OK.
Can we calm, please? You are sectioned under the Mental Health Act, for crying out loud! That's grounds for annulment right there.
Actually, the section expired two weeks before the wedding.
And it wouldn't necessarily make the marriage voidable.
The law doesn't prevent someone from marrying just because they're sectioned.
I have a letter from Will's psychiatrist, affirming that he lacked the mental capacity to enter into the contract, making his marriage null and void.
This letter has been generated retrospectively.
It is inadmissible.
- Quite possibly criminal.
- Are there no lengths you won't go to? Helen, you can't just erase their relationship.
You're angry right now.
- Let's try to find a way forward.
- Well, then, you tell his grandfather that his only grandson and heir is at risk of sharing, with an intravenous drug user he's known precisely 12 weeks, a 7% stake in a business with an annual turnover of 2 billion.
Can I have a ginger nut? (WILL LAUGHS) - If the papers get hold of this - Which they won't.
Because he owns every sleazy tabloid that would even be remotely interested.
- Will - Haven't you ever been in love? The simplest way to protect Will's fortune - would be a postnup.
- Which has all the legal integrity - of an Amazon Wish List.
- Actually, no - Screw you, Mother.
- Really? Stop.
Please, stop.
I'll sign it.
I I I'll sign a postnup.
We'd advise you to get your own representation before you do that.
Trust me, Helen, it really is the best option.
For everyone! We'll draw it up, and we'll start with that.
Rose moved out today.
And I seem to be left with a lot of dust and a few lumpy mattresses.
And before you say downsize, don't.
Who wants to downsize? I want bigger, bolder.
More.
I want more.
That was always your fault line, Ruth.
Nothing was ever enough.
Rose was asking about you.
Ah? (CHUCKLES) Does she still have eyes like a Moomin? Perhaps we should give them something to really talk about.
Are you flirting with me, Prof Ronnie? Always.
- Hi.
- Just one moment.
Well, is this going to take long? I've been waiting half an hour.
Some of us have to work.
(HUFFS) You know, you shouldn't keep people waiting.
It's enough that people have come here, and then you keep us waiting.
I'm sure I'm not the only one.
(WHISPERS) Great.
No No, I can't! Fuck you! No, I Do you want a tray for that? Er yeah.
Thanks.
Are you feeding an army? Yeah, something like that.
NATHAN: Your mother's going to meet us there, so five-minute warning.
Coming.
You look nice.
- Richie - I'm not angry.
It's all calm.
We're just going to our son's parents' evening, and this morning I received a letter informing me that my wife intends to divorce me.
Look I don't want anything from you.
Please make it easy for the kids.
Book into a hotel, stay wherever you want.
I found you.
I found you.
I gave you a sound.
And you were still crap.
We're toxic.
- Living with you is toxic.
- I like that.
I like it when you're more forceful.
Why aren't you like that more often, Fi? Hmm? It's a turn-on.
You know, you're turning me on.
We're not divorced yet.
LIV: Me costaran los tiempos verbales - mas de lo que deberian.
- Me cuestan los tiempos.
HANNAH: Sorry.
Tranquila.
No nos conocemos aun, soy Mateo Lopez.
Ooh, sorry, no.
Useless with languages.
Por otro lado Soy los cojones del perro en espanol.
Though, my husband deludes himself that he can speak Spanish.
I I was just saying Liv's great.
Like, really great.
Because I know you found things a little tough earlier this year.
A difficult time? Yeah, er - things weren't great.
- Predicted grades! I think we'd love to know Liv's predicted grades.
Yeah.
El Capo was annoying.
- He was just - Being annoying.
- Did you know her grades were slipping? - Not in Spanish.
Yeah, well, having a doe-eyed Latino who looks 12 might be something to do with it.
If it's improving her languages, who cares? Could one of my children please just become a neurosurgeon? Is that too much to ask? FI: try and get on top of the homework.
I'm going to try and catch Fi Hansen.
Shit, don't leave me alone.
It's awkward enough.
Fine.
I'm starving.
Do they never have proper food at these things? If you see any pretzels, do your bit.
Thank you.
I tried calling you this afternoon.
I wasn't sure if you'd be here.
You OK? I'm scared.
We've prepared a non-molestation order.
That's just a precaution.
But on your word, we present it to the court and turn around in less than 24 hours.
(DOOR OPENS) - (DOOR CLOSES) - And if you're really scared, then you have my number on speed dial, and I suggest you also call the police.
He won't move out.
I've tried.
The network are getting edgy.
Everyone's running around trying to dampen down the Carrie stuff.
That bloody show goes out again in less than a week.
You know there are penalties for bringing them into disrepute? There's a whole list of recommendations, apparently.
- Like what? - Well, as ambassadors of the network, it's our job to promote the values of the company.
No-one can hold you to account for wanting a divorce, Fi.
The kids have read everything.
You can do this.
You can do this.
- Hey! - Oh.
Did Hannah tell you I got those tickets? Next Saturday.
- You, me, the boys - Yeah, it's a great offer, but sadly I'm going to have to decline.
You know, I always hoped you weren't a prick.
Er, English Literature is queuing round the block, so Vinnie and Tilly have moved on to German.
Ah, good move.
Callum, why don't you, er, go wait with Vinnie? FI: Where's your brother? Hey thanks for your letter.
Nothing like the personal touch.
This is not the place.
It's exactly the place.
We're both parents.
Both do anything for our kids.
I don't know what voodoo you do around my wife, but it's going to take a lot more than a sheet of headed notepaper - to intimidate - Intimidate? Oh, really? - Hey! - Look, this is finished.
Only just begun.
Hannah, er, Vinnie's waiting.
Don't ever touch my wife again, or I will do more than drag you through court.
(CHUCKLES) (KNOCKS ON DOOR) I thought Tyler and I were the only ones still here.
- Well - Drink? Sure.
So is Tyler going to go through my e-mails, too? Only the work ones.
If you've nothing to hide you've nothing to fear.
Well, perhaps you should go through his.
Isn't that what you and Ruth are doing for me? (CHUCKLES) All I'm saying is, how well can you get to know anyone in three months? Well enough to know you want to spend the rest of your life with them.
To be honest, I knew that the first night I met him.
This is all due diligence.
I should thank you.
If I hadn't been forced to go to Chicago Glad it worked out for one of us.
So it WAS an affair of the heart.
Of the heart.
Oh, yeah.
I may even have lost my head there for a while.
We're all guilty of that.
Night, Zander.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Hey.
What? He seems nice.
Señor Lopez.
You're so lame.
He's like 30.
That's gross.
Mm, that's ancient.
You should sleep.
I know you smoked it.
The zoot.
And I'm meant to be the child.
It was funny.
It's funny.
Not funny? - It's bad.
It's very It's very, very bad.
- I heard you and Dad.
Giggling with him.
I'm sorry.
How can you forgive him? How can you sit there in the garden and do that and just pretend what he did doesn't matter? It matters.
It just matters less than it did.
I don't know how.
But somehow it hurts less.
Give him a break, Liv.
Hey? (DOOR CLOSES) Thank you.
For not being an arse.
That man is an arse.
Not a great benchmark, but I'll take it.
Your feet are freezing.
New moves.
I'll have to watch that.
NATHAN: Breakfast! Be right down! Proper coffee? - GASPS: Pain au chocolat ? - Found them in the freezer.
Ah, yes.
Best before, er, March 2018.
Jurassic.
They improve with age.
Happy anniversary, Mr Stern.
Mrs Stern.
- What does it say? - Private things.
- Let me see.
- It's private.
It'll be disgusting.
That's mine! I wasn't finished! - Hey, get off! - (PHONE ALERT) LIV: Give it to me! It's Nina.
Where's the toolkit? - We have a toolkit? - Well, that says everything.
Meet you here for eight and then we'll walk round.
- Uh-huh.
- I mean it! Eight! Eight! I thought the party was tonight.
A subtle misdirection.
Mm.
(CLATTERING) JAMES: Why is there living room stuff in the boxes marked kitchen? Can't you find something better to do? He's lost his Winterfell Castle.
Oh.
JAMES: Don't come at me for sex.
I want a night off.
I'm serious.
Taking all the fun out of it, - and it was the most fun thing we did together.
- Oh, come on! Why have you got a box full of DNA testing kits? Say hello to Hannah.
- Hello, Hannah.
- Because.
- She's very evasive.
- You ready? I have precisely one hour and then the morning from hell.
Oh, James, do you have any pliers? Ah, at last, someone appreciates what I can do.
The gift that keeps on giving.
Nice wallpaper.
Yeah, I thought so.
We're keeping it.
Très retro.
So weird theory, and stick with me on this one.
I think Prof Ronnie's my dad.
- I only came for pliers.
- So, I thought we'd just do a DNA test and sort this - Delusion? - Your word.
- or perfectly sane response out.
- Mm.
Did you know Dad divorced Mum on the basis of adultery? No, still bonkers.
Prof Ronnie, Mum, it's just weird.
Or the reason why they split up.
Dad left Mum 14 months after I was born, because? Their love child, obviously.
Your wife is bonkers.
- Finally.
- Thank you.
OK.
Let's do this.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Oh, God.
Get dressed.
Wowza.
Good shit.
You are going to remove all of the tags from these clothes and then you are going to take them all to charity.
ROSE: Really? - All of them? - Yes! Why? (UNDER HER BREATH) Fuck's sake.
ROSE: Baby stuff? Er, why would you ? Why would you take these? Shit! You're pregnant? Bitch.
ROSE: Why am I always the last to know? Can I, er, look after it while you're in prison? (CHUCKLES) Bring it in on visiting days? - Rose - Yeah, I'm keeping it.
Of course you're keeping it! Idiot.
Ah, shit! - Plaster? - Er, bathroom.
Next to tampons.
(SIGHS) I couldn't go through with it.
I was a year out of law school and Âã5,000 in debt.
Nathan and I had just moved into that, er, attic flat.
Clapton.
I was never going to get a buggy up those stairs.
Afterwards, we went for a curry in Brick Lane.
We've never been back there.
Why have we never been back there? Hannah Nathan couldn't stop crying.
Said it was the vindaloo.
Oh, my God.
It was a choice, Nina.
Do you think I'm making the right choice? Yeah, it's the right choice.
Tyler has debts.
- Sizable debts.
- I know a business failed.
How much? Well, Christie and I are still trying to get an exact figure, but there will be a substantial - number of zeros in it.
- Ruth? Zander, you're an attractive proposition to any man.
But to someone in Tyler's situation, you're a very attractive proposition.
What are you saying? This may not be the time to race into a marriage.
I'll be 44 next year.
For the larger part of the last 43, I've been on my own.
I'm tired of being on my own.
So, a few zeros? I can live with a few zeros.
- Zander - Just get it sorted.
So this is the draft paperwork.
Jordan gives up any claim on your fortune and that of your family, and you to his.
In the event of a failure of the marriage, you'll both leave with only what you brought into the partnership.
Helen.
- Er, we were just - Could I speak to my son for a moment, please? - Er, yes - I've got nothing to say to you - that they can't hear.
- We can just step outside So, we were just going over the draft paperwork.
Er obviously we still need to get a copy to Jordan.
Jordan won't be signing his.
I informed your grandfather of your marriage last night.
And Jordan's just accepted a very large payment from the family trust.
In return, he has agreed to admit that he was clearly under the influence of narcotics during your wedding.
Grounds for annulment.
You didn't.
Sweetheart Jordan? Can you call me, please? He won't be returning your calls.
- How much? - I'm sorry.
How much? Wow.
That's a lot to give a former drug addict.
It's not like it was going to last.
The whole thing was pure fantasy.
(SNIFFLING) Will, are you in there? I know what you want to do.
Look, I know you want to go out and get blasted.
But, er, tomorrow, I promise you, you'll wake up and the self-hatred will be worse.
However bad it feels now I promise you, I've been there.
And none of it makes it better.
None of it stops the shit.
Only you can do that.
(CUBICLE UNLOCKS) (SOBS) (TOILET FLUSHES, CUBICLE UNLOCKS) (TAP RUNS) (DOOR CLOSES) NATHAN: This is a terrible idea.
What is that thing? This is what state of the art looked like in 2009.
I wrote your mother a speech for our ten-year anniversary party, and I know it's on here somewhere.
You don't think Mum will notice if you give the same speech? - There.
- Ah, see, this is why we gave birth to you.
Technically, Mum did.
Interrailing, Glastonbury, South America.
It doesn't get tired.
You went to Glastonbury? Before you monstrous children came along and ruined everything, your mother and I had this thing called a life.
We went outdoors in the evening.
On occasion, we had actual fun.
Print.
Yes! Thank you.
Thank you.
You need a shower.
Don't.
Don't! - Man smell.
Man smell.
- No, get off! Smell my man smell! Smell it! Smell it! Hi.
Can I help you? Melanie Aickman.
For Hannah Stern.
You have to see the coat she's wearing.
It is unbelievable.
Melanie.
- Melanie Aickman.
- Mm-hmm.
She gives good coat.
- I saw her talk once.
She is truly inspirational.
- Ha.
- Did you speak to Zander? - Not yet.
I will.
But right now, it's heads down.
Tyler is prowling the corridors, looking for prey.
OK.
But I will keep doing what I can, Maggie.
HANNAH: So, obviously, we want to keep this as straightforward as possible, but We're increasingly concerned that Mr Hansen's not accepting - his wife's desire to divorce.
- Let me stop you right there.
My client is more than willing to co-operate.
He sees that his marriage has reached an impasse and that its continuation is untenable.
So looking at the, er, press statement We've made some adjustments.
Thank you.
Sadness? With hearts full of sadness? Yeah, your version read, er a little cold.
"It's with hearts full of sadness we have taken the decision to reflect on our marriage.
" "Reflect" that's too soft.
- "We've taken the decision to end our marriage.
" - Ow.
- HANNAH: There's no movement on that.
- All right.
"Though it is a very difficult decision, we are committed - to working towards an " - Amicable separation.
"and would appreciate at this painful time that the press respect our privacy as we take time to heal"? Nice touch.
"We want to reassure our fans that though for now " Cut "for now".
"we are going solo, we'll always be With The Band.
" That's so cheesy.
- Agreed.
- Killjoy.
Fine.
I appreciate that the last few days have been particularly difficult for both Mr and Mrs Hansen, but you should be aware - that my client is, er, concerned about her safety.
- (SCOFFS) - We have prepared an application for a non - molestation order and will attend court with it tomorrow, if needed.
For that reason, my client is willing to relocate to a hotel.
Primarily, he is focused on the welfare and happiness of his children and keeping all this as civilised as possible.
I'm sure Mrs Hansen and my client don't want any further details of their marriage out on public display.
Details that could potentially be embarrassing for both parties.
What details? We both know that every marriage has corners that would rather not be exposed to public glare.
I'm sure Mrs Hansen knows what I'm talking about.
- You OK? - Yeah.
- Just know his tactics.
- And we know his lawyers.
It's very typical of Melanie.
And they're just yanking your chain.
Promise he won't take the kids? He can't do that.
You're a good mother, Fi.
But if there's anything you think we're missing A couple of dodgy parties in the mid-noughties.
But no.
I've been racking my brains.
Honestly.
- We'll be in touch.
- Thanks.
Thanks again.
HANNAH: She's hiding something.
Most people are.
Does, er, Maggie seem a bit off to you? - Off how? - Just No, I'm being paranoid.
That's what secrets do to you.
Happy anniversary.
- HANNAH: Sorry! - Sh Give me two minutes and we can go eat.
Sh! ALL: Surprise! (CHEERING) (MUSIC PLAYING "YOU'RE GORGEOUS" BY BABYBIRD) (WHISPERS) China? Interesting.
Go with it.
Happy anniversary.
I hate you.
Really hate you.
(GUESTS WHOOP) 20 years.
You've set the bar high.
(MUSIC AND CONVERSATION) Whoa! - Mum - What? - What are you wearing? - I borrowed the tail from Tilly.
And everyone always loves something glittery.
Ah, Christie! Ruth.
Did no-one bother to dress up? - Er, made in China.
- No.
- MAGGIE: Christie! - Hey.
ZANDER: Finally.
Have you heard the rumour? Apparently, he's been having lunches.
Zander's very curious.
But I told him some things are better left alone.
They're important things, anniversaries.
Parties.
Remembering.
A chance to reflect on what's important.
Who's important.
I have.
Of course you have, Hannah.
You're not stupid.
You did a brave thing, even if it's painful.
The right thing.
Your father and I struggled to limp past ten.
Interesting little rumour I heard, too.
That Oscar divorced you on the basis of adultery.
What is this fashion for calling parents by their first names? - I thought we left that behind in the '70s.
- Ruth.
We all have things we're not proud of, Hannah.
If there's one thing I hope we've all learnt from the past few months, it's that it's never one person to blame.
Do you know your front door's open? Prof Ronnie.
Hannah.
- How nice, a man in a suit! - Thank you.
Hannah! Vinnie's saying he's swallowed an earbud.
So sorry.
Oh, my God, Prof Ronnie! - Hi! - Rose! James? James! Er, it's, er, Prof Ronnie.
Oh.
Right.
Great.
- Am I being weird? - Same hair.
Same hair.
- He's grey.
- Get his glass.
- DNA! - This is not The Pink Panther.
Oh, my God.
Sorry, I'm so sorry.
There was an er, crack.
James, can you get Ronnie some more, er, champagne? You're fine.
Do you feel sick? - No.
- It'll flush itself out.
Yeah.
It's Ronnie's.
You're crazy.
Or not so crazy.
Rather brilliant in my thinking.
If you think about it, and to repeat myself, you and Nina are both exceptional.
You know, academically, sportily, - fertilit-ily.
- That's not a word.
I mean, both of you, not a problem.
Nina not even interested and then bam, just slips into the whole, "Oh, whoopsie, I can procreate.
" Whereas I, you know For years we we're never careful.
For years.
Never.
And the one time I'm late doesn't stick.
- Never sticks.
- Rose Maybe I don't have the marvellous, miraculous Defoe DNA.
- OK, OK.
OK.
- (ROSE SOBS) OK.
You're crazy.
Rose (MUSIC PLAYING) - Having a good time there? - What is your problem? No, seriously.
There are many other people you could be doing this to.
There's a whole party of people just waiting to be irritated by you.
Look, I just don't like seeing a good thing go to waste.
I'm pregnant.
- Pregnant.
- Yeah, well, even more reason.
You were good today, with Will.
It's a pity you didn't listen to yourself.
Tyler! Disco queen! Woo! I know I look like I love it.
It's all fake.
Woo! (GLASS TINGS) NATHAN: A decade ago, I gave a speech at our ten-year anniversary party, and it was a lot more exciting than this one is going to be.
- Yep.
- Back then it was all backpacking in Bali, and Daft Punk at Glastonbury, and, er, - up all night at the Hacienda.
- Yeah.
Er, in the decade since, there have been fewer adventures, but the adventures we have had have been, for the most part, - dreadful.
- Oh! I don't know whose idea the European road trip was! - Yours.
It was all yours.
- (LAUGHTER) Er, six countries in two weeks, three kids in the back of the car, and no Wi-Fi.
Worst holiday ever! Er, there have been chicken pox, er, appendicitis (SIGHS) deaths.
Fathers, twice.
- Er, mothers both - Be very careful.
still very much alive.
There's been huge sums spent on football kits and leotards and and on takeaway food! Thank you, Jade Garden! (CHEERING) Fun times, crap times.
But most of the time .
.
it's been pretty ace.
You know, I've long thought that marriage is like a Lemony Snicket story.
It's a series of unfortunate events.
(LAUGHTER) The best we can do is just to cling to one another and hope (EMOTIONAL) it works out for the best.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
Thank you.
So to my My adjectives fail me.
To my wife, Hannah.
To Hannah.
ALL: To Hannah! (APPLAUSE AND (CHEERING) Congratulations! (FIREWORKS BANG) ALL: OOH! (WHOOPING) (MUSIC PLAYING) - Take another one.
- Mm-hmm! Oh, my God! - Do this? - Mmm.
Oh, no.
Send it.
- You think? - Mm-hmm.
(CONVERSATION AND (LAUGHTER) - Nice speech.
- Oh, damn you.
Don't be nice.
You can't be nice as well.
I mean, look at you.
You won the goddamn genetic lottery.
Shit.
Wow.
That hurts.
Is that real? I remember life before children, when, er, gyms weren't just places you paid membership for but never visited.
I just swim these days.
Hannah likes swimming.
Is that so? I always envied you.
I mean, you arrived at law school with your stories of your travelling, and you knew every lyric to every song by Radiohead No, not envy.
I, er I hated you.
Ah, it's harsh, isn't it? But it is true.
These things need to be said.
Actually I want to thank you.
Because you pushed me on.
You made me work harder.
For Hannah.
For my family.
- I am grateful.
- I hope you are.
Just don't hurt her again.
DRUNKEN GUEST: I'd love to stay, I really would You OK? Longer conversation.
My Uber's here in two minutes.
(SNIFFS) Why did you never have any children? What? Wrong time.
Wrong person.
Probably the right choice.
That's what Hannah said, the first time she got pregnant.
And then she went on and had three.
- You're losing me here.
- I've got nothing against abortion, but how do you know? Hannah said that she just did.
Three months after she got married, she just knew it was the wrong time to have a baby, so she had an abortion.
- What?! - But I couldn't go through with it.
(LAUGHS) I'm going to do it.
Oh I am going to have a kid.
(SHE LAUGHS) (CAR APPROACHES) This must be yours.
You take it.
Are you sure? Is it true? Nina just told me.
- A few months after the wedding? - Told you what? You were pregnant? - Christie - You didn't tell me.
You didn't give me a chance to Wow.
(SIGHS) It could have been mine.
Wow.
Christie Christie! Chris ! Go away.
Go away!
Carrie has given a tabloid interview.
I want a divorce.
Not pregnant.
Not pregnant any more Do you mind coming with me? I just need to see in your bag.
It's not that I haven't had the same thoughts.
- I have kids.
- People that you love.
Busted! Why did you ask me not to leave? Because I needed to know if I had made a mistake.
Nina I'm there.
NINA: Hannah! Are you awake? I've made toast.
(PHONE BEEPS) Oh, God.
How many weeks pregnant are you? You know maths was never my strong point.
Eight? Nine? Though there was this very sloppy drinks thingy which culminated in a night with Andy some time past that.
Andy? What, depressed Andy? - Yoga Andy.
- Oh.
- Before Mark, after Rex.
- Wow.
And this is what I missed.
- That doesn't mean - No.
- Nina - I'd be a crap mum.
I don't even like kids much.
You're a 35-year-old lawyer.
Maybe this is the right time.
No.
I've got an appointment for an abortion this afternoon.
- Does Rose ? - (SIGHS) I can't.
(SIGHS) It's hard, keeping a secret like that.
I I'm not saying you have to, - but it will weigh on you.
- Not yet.
Get showered.
Nathan's coming in for the Hansen case.
You got a shirt I can borrow? Blue one, rail.
This isn't even your size.
- It's just stuff.
- Stuff?! You were arrested last night.
Do you know what moves I had to throw to get you off without even a caution? - The lies I had to tell?! - I said thank you.
This isn't a packet of Refreshers on the way to school.
This This is pathological.
You'd be struck off for this.
My God! Calm down.
This place is a tip, Nina.
You're right, you can't look after yourself.
(COAT HANGERS RATTLE) We all have shit, Nina.
We all have shit! - Please can we stop? - Aren't you ? (THEY LAUGH) Aren't you close? This is the fifth time in 12 hours.
I've nothing left, and the doctor said we needed to wait.
But you had your porn face on.
I've got a porn face?! I've not got a porn face.
According to the app, we could be ovulating - this very second.
- Rose! A very nice Polish man - Oh, oh! - Get out! I'll tell him you're getting dressed, or - Get out! - cleaning your teeth! - (DOOR SLAMS) - Please! Aah! PHOTOGRAPHER: Fi! Any comment on Carrie? You on the sofa, mate? Careful, yeah? You keep looking at that sidebar of shame, it'll rot your brain, mate.
(ENGINE STARTS UP) (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK) Hey.
You blur my kids' faces out, or my lawyers will rip you apart.
(TYRES SCREECH) (CAMERA SHUTTERS KEEP CLICKING) (PHONE ALERT) RICHIE: Hey! Put it away.
Screen-free zone.
- I want you in a hotel tonight.
- (SCOFFS) Not happening.
Smile, babe.
United front.
ALI: OK, first up, live radio.
They're going to ask about Carrie, we'll kill it with love.
Good news, you've got Jo, she's geared up and onside.
We're going to drown it with loads of positive coverage.
Haters going to hate, but we're going to keep showing them the love.
- Ali, we need to raise the game here.
- I know.
I'm on it.
So you've got back-to-back calls, right? Couple of internationals.
- All very, very smart, very pro the show.
- You're a star.
Yeah.
Uh, bit of heat from the network.
I've reassured, they're absolutely fine, - we've just got to hold the party line on this.
- Yeah, I'll put in a call.
Fire back with the obvious stuff, you know it's permanency, commitment, quality brand.
You know, show them you can roll with the punches.
It's just going to fade itself out, as long as there's nothing more to stoke it.
- Nah, we're golden.
- I can't do this.
Fi, they win - if you let this crap spook you.
- Richie, you're not listening to me.
- Babe.
- Babe - I've engaged a solicitor.
- (HE LAUGHS) You've engaged a solicitor? - Yes.
- No, no, no.
You've had a couple of drinks with a yummy mummy and she's got in your ear, yeah? So why don't you get some air.
Take one of your rescue remedies.
Your next interview's in 20 minutes.
I'll do this week.
I'll do the show.
But then we're done.
OK I'll say when we're done.
- So, shall I flag that? - No, no, no.
We're all good.
Listen, er find out everything you can about a Hannah Stern.
Family lawyer.
NHD.
Yeah.
RECEPTIONIST: Morning! Keen? Ah, I come bearing gifts.
Double-shot latte and an almond croissant.
Thanks.
Let him carry his own bundles.
It's fine.
Is Nina OK? Ask me another.
Parents' evening tonight.
Vinnie's got the fear.
- You forgot.
- I did not forget.
You forgot! Also, restaurant booked for tomorrow.
Anniversary! Yes, thank you, this is a good feeling.
Relationship goals.
Lauren used to say I'd forgotten every year.
- Not forgotten this year.
"Thank you, Nathan.
" - Thank you, Nathan.
Yeah, real smile, not fake smile.
- Can't we just do a takeaway? - It's 20 years.
Wow.
Richie Hansen will have got my letter this morning.
Petition will follow, but we're on.
And given this morning's press, it won't be difficult to make a case for divorce on the basis of his unreasonable behaviour, including his inappropriate relationship with another woman.
But obviously, they're feeling the heat.
They're high-profile, it's volatile, and all the signs are he won't take this well.
She's keeping a record of his coercive and controlling behaviour? - We're naturally concerned for her wellbeing.
- Naturally.
She's obviously susceptible.
They've been together a long time.
Our client believes, er, Mr Hansen will refuse to move out of the family home.
He's yet to issue a statement denying the affair.
Well, they want to preserve their brand.
Reassure the network.
Talking to our media team, this is a story that's only going to spiral.
There's been, er, rumours about them, er, for a while.
Ah.
The rumours.
Such a cliché, women trapped in marriages that they don't believe they're worthy of getting out of.
Happy to compromise on whatever crap behaviour their spouse throws at them.
- Welcome to family law.
- Not just family law.
People put up with no end of shit in every walk of life.
If Mr Hansen's, er, refusing to move out Well, we can make an application for a non-molestation order, if you're worried about her safety.
Certainly, if she's frightened We can apply without notice.
Well, let's have it ready, and I can discuss it with my client.
Do we know yet who he'll get to represent him? - It'll be one of the big five.
- Yeah, I'd pop for Melanie Aickman.
Melanie! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Dear Melanie.
This is why you brought me in so quickly.
Yeah, well, she poaches you every time.
Sorry, I've got another meeting.
OK.
We can have the application ready and in the district judge's list by tomorrow.
Nathan.
I thought you were here.
I hear you're getting married.
Terrible idea.
(ZANDER LAUGHS) And that's from an expert.
- Two weeks.
I expect you there.
- Invite accepted.
Oh, er, bottom site, languages and science are both in the main hall.
And if I have to tell you again, - we don't touch the wine.
- HANNAH: Ha.
- Parents' evening.
- Oh.
Dodged that ball.
You, er, didn't reply to my e-mail.
Tomorrow.
It was a choice between a party and paintballing.
I decided she'd, er, hate a party more, so Attendance is mandatory.
I mean, I don't give a shit, but Hannah would kill me if you weren't there.
20 years! China! It's china.
Not as in the country, as in cup.
Er, the kids have taken control.
I'm trying not to look, but I have a nasty suspicion something's gone wrong.
Last night, there was a lot of fist-punching gold cats delivered by Amazon, so So the country, then.
Yeah.
Opportunities for racial stereotyping everywhere.
Don't tell Hannah.
Hopeless at keeping a secret, no poker face.
Er, I'm collecting for Hannah's anniversary present.
Ah.
Er yeah.
(FIRE ALARM) Seriously?! What, every week? (ALARM CONTINUES) ZANDER: OK, everyone, let's do this with a smile.
MAGGIE: Everybody downstairs.
Don't use the lifts.
Assembly point is directly opposite.
Ah, a vaper.
Yeah, well, the hard stuff gets you arrested.
Chill, sister.
Someone taking an early lunch? Can one man get more irritating? (FIRE ALARM CONTINUES) We should be at the assembly point.
Christie.
What? (ALARM STOPS) (SCOFFS) (SIGHS) That's That's it? No.
No.
Shouldn't we at least talk? Oh, you want to talk now? Because you seemed pretty clear last night.
Don't be like that.
We have to work together.
We We have to find a way to push this on.
We have to do meetings and interact, and if you - behave the way you're behaving - Behaving?! You're angry, and I get that, but - but this is our place of work - Oh, my God.
Did the last three months just not happen? It happened.
I'm not denying it happened.
But it's It's 20 years.
It's - Yeah.
- 20 years I've been with Nathan.
- Tomorrow.
- Yeah.
Add another five, and it's 25 since we first met.
You want to celebrate that? I I'm sorry.
I I I don't know what I've been doing.
- (SCOFFS) - Christie.
I think you know exactly what you've been doing.
I think you always do.
I think I think you're ambitious.
I think you see something you want, and you go for it, Hannah.
I think you saw me, and you saw unfinished business.
Wow.
Is that the way you want to do this? Is that what you're going to hurl now? Why is it when a man calls a woman ambitious, it's - it's delivered like a negative? - (SIGHS) Yeah.
Yeah, I'm I'm ambitious.
For my work.
For the For the clients that I serve.
But this? This? You think this was about ambition? Do you know how hard this is? Have you ever loved two people? I mean, really, like, gut-wrenchingly loved two people.
Two people so it aches when you don't see them.
A aches when you think of them with anyone else.
I love you.
I love you, Christie.
But Nathan won.
Nathan wins.
My life wins.
And I'm I'm sorry.
Yeah.
(COLLEAGUES APPROACH, CHATTERING) (SNIFFS) OK (SOBS) (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) Moving day.
I'd better get going.
- (BED SPRINGS CREAK) - Ooh! Oops! - God.
- What? This bed is a health hazard.
The dump won't even take it.
- I think Nina was conceived on this.
- Ugh, too much information.
Makes good babies.
Sorry.
Clumsy, clumsy.
It's OK.
You're born with two million eggs at least.
- One of them's bound to - Hatch.
We're good.
We're fine.
- And I'm late for Prof Ronnie.
- You still have a crush on him.
Purely professional.
And for your information, last time I saw him, - no Speedos, fully dressed.
- Ah, Mother, but what lies beneath? Is that funny? Is she being funny? I never get this girl's jokes.
Last of our post.
Anything interesting? - Bills.
- Oh.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) Will Parker.
And his new husband.
- Since when? - Since yesterday.
- I thought he was still in rehab.
- Was.
Is.
That's where they met.
They're giddy.
Ahh, that's love for you.
I'm falling on the side of delusional.
- And I'm guessing his mother - Wants an annulment, and taking no prisoners.
Would you like to burst their bubble, or shall I? (SIGHS) HELEN: The rules of rehab are perfectly clear.
You've known each other a week! - Three months.
- They absconded.
They literally climbed over the wall.
- It's rehab, not Strangeways, Mother.
- Will you talk to him, Hannah, please? - We love each other.
- OK.
Can we calm, please? You are sectioned under the Mental Health Act, for crying out loud! That's grounds for annulment right there.
Actually, the section expired two weeks before the wedding.
And it wouldn't necessarily make the marriage voidable.
The law doesn't prevent someone from marrying just because they're sectioned.
I have a letter from Will's psychiatrist, affirming that he lacked the mental capacity to enter into the contract, making his marriage null and void.
This letter has been generated retrospectively.
It is inadmissible.
- Quite possibly criminal.
- Are there no lengths you won't go to? Helen, you can't just erase their relationship.
You're angry right now.
- Let's try to find a way forward.
- Well, then, you tell his grandfather that his only grandson and heir is at risk of sharing, with an intravenous drug user he's known precisely 12 weeks, a 7% stake in a business with an annual turnover of 2 billion.
Can I have a ginger nut? (WILL LAUGHS) - If the papers get hold of this - Which they won't.
Because he owns every sleazy tabloid that would even be remotely interested.
- Will - Haven't you ever been in love? The simplest way to protect Will's fortune - would be a postnup.
- Which has all the legal integrity - of an Amazon Wish List.
- Actually, no - Screw you, Mother.
- Really? Stop.
Please, stop.
I'll sign it.
I I I'll sign a postnup.
We'd advise you to get your own representation before you do that.
Trust me, Helen, it really is the best option.
For everyone! We'll draw it up, and we'll start with that.
Rose moved out today.
And I seem to be left with a lot of dust and a few lumpy mattresses.
And before you say downsize, don't.
Who wants to downsize? I want bigger, bolder.
More.
I want more.
That was always your fault line, Ruth.
Nothing was ever enough.
Rose was asking about you.
Ah? (CHUCKLES) Does she still have eyes like a Moomin? Perhaps we should give them something to really talk about.
Are you flirting with me, Prof Ronnie? Always.
- Hi.
- Just one moment.
Well, is this going to take long? I've been waiting half an hour.
Some of us have to work.
(HUFFS) You know, you shouldn't keep people waiting.
It's enough that people have come here, and then you keep us waiting.
I'm sure I'm not the only one.
(WHISPERS) Great.
No No, I can't! Fuck you! No, I Do you want a tray for that? Er yeah.
Thanks.
Are you feeding an army? Yeah, something like that.
NATHAN: Your mother's going to meet us there, so five-minute warning.
Coming.
You look nice.
- Richie - I'm not angry.
It's all calm.
We're just going to our son's parents' evening, and this morning I received a letter informing me that my wife intends to divorce me.
Look I don't want anything from you.
Please make it easy for the kids.
Book into a hotel, stay wherever you want.
I found you.
I found you.
I gave you a sound.
And you were still crap.
We're toxic.
- Living with you is toxic.
- I like that.
I like it when you're more forceful.
Why aren't you like that more often, Fi? Hmm? It's a turn-on.
You know, you're turning me on.
We're not divorced yet.
LIV: Me costaran los tiempos verbales - mas de lo que deberian.
- Me cuestan los tiempos.
HANNAH: Sorry.
Tranquila.
No nos conocemos aun, soy Mateo Lopez.
Ooh, sorry, no.
Useless with languages.
Por otro lado Soy los cojones del perro en espanol.
Though, my husband deludes himself that he can speak Spanish.
I I was just saying Liv's great.
Like, really great.
Because I know you found things a little tough earlier this year.
A difficult time? Yeah, er - things weren't great.
- Predicted grades! I think we'd love to know Liv's predicted grades.
Yeah.
El Capo was annoying.
- He was just - Being annoying.
- Did you know her grades were slipping? - Not in Spanish.
Yeah, well, having a doe-eyed Latino who looks 12 might be something to do with it.
If it's improving her languages, who cares? Could one of my children please just become a neurosurgeon? Is that too much to ask? FI: try and get on top of the homework.
I'm going to try and catch Fi Hansen.
Shit, don't leave me alone.
It's awkward enough.
Fine.
I'm starving.
Do they never have proper food at these things? If you see any pretzels, do your bit.
Thank you.
I tried calling you this afternoon.
I wasn't sure if you'd be here.
You OK? I'm scared.
We've prepared a non-molestation order.
That's just a precaution.
But on your word, we present it to the court and turn around in less than 24 hours.
(DOOR OPENS) - (DOOR CLOSES) - And if you're really scared, then you have my number on speed dial, and I suggest you also call the police.
He won't move out.
I've tried.
The network are getting edgy.
Everyone's running around trying to dampen down the Carrie stuff.
That bloody show goes out again in less than a week.
You know there are penalties for bringing them into disrepute? There's a whole list of recommendations, apparently.
- Like what? - Well, as ambassadors of the network, it's our job to promote the values of the company.
No-one can hold you to account for wanting a divorce, Fi.
The kids have read everything.
You can do this.
You can do this.
- Hey! - Oh.
Did Hannah tell you I got those tickets? Next Saturday.
- You, me, the boys - Yeah, it's a great offer, but sadly I'm going to have to decline.
You know, I always hoped you weren't a prick.
Er, English Literature is queuing round the block, so Vinnie and Tilly have moved on to German.
Ah, good move.
Callum, why don't you, er, go wait with Vinnie? FI: Where's your brother? Hey thanks for your letter.
Nothing like the personal touch.
This is not the place.
It's exactly the place.
We're both parents.
Both do anything for our kids.
I don't know what voodoo you do around my wife, but it's going to take a lot more than a sheet of headed notepaper - to intimidate - Intimidate? Oh, really? - Hey! - Look, this is finished.
Only just begun.
Hannah, er, Vinnie's waiting.
Don't ever touch my wife again, or I will do more than drag you through court.
(CHUCKLES) (KNOCKS ON DOOR) I thought Tyler and I were the only ones still here.
- Well - Drink? Sure.
So is Tyler going to go through my e-mails, too? Only the work ones.
If you've nothing to hide you've nothing to fear.
Well, perhaps you should go through his.
Isn't that what you and Ruth are doing for me? (CHUCKLES) All I'm saying is, how well can you get to know anyone in three months? Well enough to know you want to spend the rest of your life with them.
To be honest, I knew that the first night I met him.
This is all due diligence.
I should thank you.
If I hadn't been forced to go to Chicago Glad it worked out for one of us.
So it WAS an affair of the heart.
Of the heart.
Oh, yeah.
I may even have lost my head there for a while.
We're all guilty of that.
Night, Zander.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Hey.
What? He seems nice.
Señor Lopez.
You're so lame.
He's like 30.
That's gross.
Mm, that's ancient.
You should sleep.
I know you smoked it.
The zoot.
And I'm meant to be the child.
It was funny.
It's funny.
Not funny? - It's bad.
It's very It's very, very bad.
- I heard you and Dad.
Giggling with him.
I'm sorry.
How can you forgive him? How can you sit there in the garden and do that and just pretend what he did doesn't matter? It matters.
It just matters less than it did.
I don't know how.
But somehow it hurts less.
Give him a break, Liv.
Hey? (DOOR CLOSES) Thank you.
For not being an arse.
That man is an arse.
Not a great benchmark, but I'll take it.
Your feet are freezing.
New moves.
I'll have to watch that.
NATHAN: Breakfast! Be right down! Proper coffee? - GASPS: Pain au chocolat ? - Found them in the freezer.
Ah, yes.
Best before, er, March 2018.
Jurassic.
They improve with age.
Happy anniversary, Mr Stern.
Mrs Stern.
- What does it say? - Private things.
- Let me see.
- It's private.
It'll be disgusting.
That's mine! I wasn't finished! - Hey, get off! - (PHONE ALERT) LIV: Give it to me! It's Nina.
Where's the toolkit? - We have a toolkit? - Well, that says everything.
Meet you here for eight and then we'll walk round.
- Uh-huh.
- I mean it! Eight! Eight! I thought the party was tonight.
A subtle misdirection.
Mm.
(CLATTERING) JAMES: Why is there living room stuff in the boxes marked kitchen? Can't you find something better to do? He's lost his Winterfell Castle.
Oh.
JAMES: Don't come at me for sex.
I want a night off.
I'm serious.
Taking all the fun out of it, - and it was the most fun thing we did together.
- Oh, come on! Why have you got a box full of DNA testing kits? Say hello to Hannah.
- Hello, Hannah.
- Because.
- She's very evasive.
- You ready? I have precisely one hour and then the morning from hell.
Oh, James, do you have any pliers? Ah, at last, someone appreciates what I can do.
The gift that keeps on giving.
Nice wallpaper.
Yeah, I thought so.
We're keeping it.
Très retro.
So weird theory, and stick with me on this one.
I think Prof Ronnie's my dad.
- I only came for pliers.
- So, I thought we'd just do a DNA test and sort this - Delusion? - Your word.
- or perfectly sane response out.
- Mm.
Did you know Dad divorced Mum on the basis of adultery? No, still bonkers.
Prof Ronnie, Mum, it's just weird.
Or the reason why they split up.
Dad left Mum 14 months after I was born, because? Their love child, obviously.
Your wife is bonkers.
- Finally.
- Thank you.
OK.
Let's do this.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Oh, God.
Get dressed.
Wowza.
Good shit.
You are going to remove all of the tags from these clothes and then you are going to take them all to charity.
ROSE: Really? - All of them? - Yes! Why? (UNDER HER BREATH) Fuck's sake.
ROSE: Baby stuff? Er, why would you ? Why would you take these? Shit! You're pregnant? Bitch.
ROSE: Why am I always the last to know? Can I, er, look after it while you're in prison? (CHUCKLES) Bring it in on visiting days? - Rose - Yeah, I'm keeping it.
Of course you're keeping it! Idiot.
Ah, shit! - Plaster? - Er, bathroom.
Next to tampons.
(SIGHS) I couldn't go through with it.
I was a year out of law school and Âã5,000 in debt.
Nathan and I had just moved into that, er, attic flat.
Clapton.
I was never going to get a buggy up those stairs.
Afterwards, we went for a curry in Brick Lane.
We've never been back there.
Why have we never been back there? Hannah Nathan couldn't stop crying.
Said it was the vindaloo.
Oh, my God.
It was a choice, Nina.
Do you think I'm making the right choice? Yeah, it's the right choice.
Tyler has debts.
- Sizable debts.
- I know a business failed.
How much? Well, Christie and I are still trying to get an exact figure, but there will be a substantial - number of zeros in it.
- Ruth? Zander, you're an attractive proposition to any man.
But to someone in Tyler's situation, you're a very attractive proposition.
What are you saying? This may not be the time to race into a marriage.
I'll be 44 next year.
For the larger part of the last 43, I've been on my own.
I'm tired of being on my own.
So, a few zeros? I can live with a few zeros.
- Zander - Just get it sorted.
So this is the draft paperwork.
Jordan gives up any claim on your fortune and that of your family, and you to his.
In the event of a failure of the marriage, you'll both leave with only what you brought into the partnership.
Helen.
- Er, we were just - Could I speak to my son for a moment, please? - Er, yes - I've got nothing to say to you - that they can't hear.
- We can just step outside So, we were just going over the draft paperwork.
Er obviously we still need to get a copy to Jordan.
Jordan won't be signing his.
I informed your grandfather of your marriage last night.
And Jordan's just accepted a very large payment from the family trust.
In return, he has agreed to admit that he was clearly under the influence of narcotics during your wedding.
Grounds for annulment.
You didn't.
Sweetheart Jordan? Can you call me, please? He won't be returning your calls.
- How much? - I'm sorry.
How much? Wow.
That's a lot to give a former drug addict.
It's not like it was going to last.
The whole thing was pure fantasy.
(SNIFFLING) Will, are you in there? I know what you want to do.
Look, I know you want to go out and get blasted.
But, er, tomorrow, I promise you, you'll wake up and the self-hatred will be worse.
However bad it feels now I promise you, I've been there.
And none of it makes it better.
None of it stops the shit.
Only you can do that.
(CUBICLE UNLOCKS) (SOBS) (TOILET FLUSHES, CUBICLE UNLOCKS) (TAP RUNS) (DOOR CLOSES) NATHAN: This is a terrible idea.
What is that thing? This is what state of the art looked like in 2009.
I wrote your mother a speech for our ten-year anniversary party, and I know it's on here somewhere.
You don't think Mum will notice if you give the same speech? - There.
- Ah, see, this is why we gave birth to you.
Technically, Mum did.
Interrailing, Glastonbury, South America.
It doesn't get tired.
You went to Glastonbury? Before you monstrous children came along and ruined everything, your mother and I had this thing called a life.
We went outdoors in the evening.
On occasion, we had actual fun.
Print.
Yes! Thank you.
Thank you.
You need a shower.
Don't.
Don't! - Man smell.
Man smell.
- No, get off! Smell my man smell! Smell it! Smell it! Hi.
Can I help you? Melanie Aickman.
For Hannah Stern.
You have to see the coat she's wearing.
It is unbelievable.
Melanie.
- Melanie Aickman.
- Mm-hmm.
She gives good coat.
- I saw her talk once.
She is truly inspirational.
- Ha.
- Did you speak to Zander? - Not yet.
I will.
But right now, it's heads down.
Tyler is prowling the corridors, looking for prey.
OK.
But I will keep doing what I can, Maggie.
HANNAH: So, obviously, we want to keep this as straightforward as possible, but We're increasingly concerned that Mr Hansen's not accepting - his wife's desire to divorce.
- Let me stop you right there.
My client is more than willing to co-operate.
He sees that his marriage has reached an impasse and that its continuation is untenable.
So looking at the, er, press statement We've made some adjustments.
Thank you.
Sadness? With hearts full of sadness? Yeah, your version read, er a little cold.
"It's with hearts full of sadness we have taken the decision to reflect on our marriage.
" "Reflect" that's too soft.
- "We've taken the decision to end our marriage.
" - Ow.
- HANNAH: There's no movement on that.
- All right.
"Though it is a very difficult decision, we are committed - to working towards an " - Amicable separation.
"and would appreciate at this painful time that the press respect our privacy as we take time to heal"? Nice touch.
"We want to reassure our fans that though for now " Cut "for now".
"we are going solo, we'll always be With The Band.
" That's so cheesy.
- Agreed.
- Killjoy.
Fine.
I appreciate that the last few days have been particularly difficult for both Mr and Mrs Hansen, but you should be aware - that my client is, er, concerned about her safety.
- (SCOFFS) - We have prepared an application for a non - molestation order and will attend court with it tomorrow, if needed.
For that reason, my client is willing to relocate to a hotel.
Primarily, he is focused on the welfare and happiness of his children and keeping all this as civilised as possible.
I'm sure Mrs Hansen and my client don't want any further details of their marriage out on public display.
Details that could potentially be embarrassing for both parties.
What details? We both know that every marriage has corners that would rather not be exposed to public glare.
I'm sure Mrs Hansen knows what I'm talking about.
- You OK? - Yeah.
- Just know his tactics.
- And we know his lawyers.
It's very typical of Melanie.
And they're just yanking your chain.
Promise he won't take the kids? He can't do that.
You're a good mother, Fi.
But if there's anything you think we're missing A couple of dodgy parties in the mid-noughties.
But no.
I've been racking my brains.
Honestly.
- We'll be in touch.
- Thanks.
Thanks again.
HANNAH: She's hiding something.
Most people are.
Does, er, Maggie seem a bit off to you? - Off how? - Just No, I'm being paranoid.
That's what secrets do to you.
Happy anniversary.
- HANNAH: Sorry! - Sh Give me two minutes and we can go eat.
Sh! ALL: Surprise! (CHEERING) (MUSIC PLAYING "YOU'RE GORGEOUS" BY BABYBIRD) (WHISPERS) China? Interesting.
Go with it.
Happy anniversary.
I hate you.
Really hate you.
(GUESTS WHOOP) 20 years.
You've set the bar high.
(MUSIC AND CONVERSATION) Whoa! - Mum - What? - What are you wearing? - I borrowed the tail from Tilly.
And everyone always loves something glittery.
Ah, Christie! Ruth.
Did no-one bother to dress up? - Er, made in China.
- No.
- MAGGIE: Christie! - Hey.
ZANDER: Finally.
Have you heard the rumour? Apparently, he's been having lunches.
Zander's very curious.
But I told him some things are better left alone.
They're important things, anniversaries.
Parties.
Remembering.
A chance to reflect on what's important.
Who's important.
I have.
Of course you have, Hannah.
You're not stupid.
You did a brave thing, even if it's painful.
The right thing.
Your father and I struggled to limp past ten.
Interesting little rumour I heard, too.
That Oscar divorced you on the basis of adultery.
What is this fashion for calling parents by their first names? - I thought we left that behind in the '70s.
- Ruth.
We all have things we're not proud of, Hannah.
If there's one thing I hope we've all learnt from the past few months, it's that it's never one person to blame.
Do you know your front door's open? Prof Ronnie.
Hannah.
- How nice, a man in a suit! - Thank you.
Hannah! Vinnie's saying he's swallowed an earbud.
So sorry.
Oh, my God, Prof Ronnie! - Hi! - Rose! James? James! Er, it's, er, Prof Ronnie.
Oh.
Right.
Great.
- Am I being weird? - Same hair.
Same hair.
- He's grey.
- Get his glass.
- DNA! - This is not The Pink Panther.
Oh, my God.
Sorry, I'm so sorry.
There was an er, crack.
James, can you get Ronnie some more, er, champagne? You're fine.
Do you feel sick? - No.
- It'll flush itself out.
Yeah.
It's Ronnie's.
You're crazy.
Or not so crazy.
Rather brilliant in my thinking.
If you think about it, and to repeat myself, you and Nina are both exceptional.
You know, academically, sportily, - fertilit-ily.
- That's not a word.
I mean, both of you, not a problem.
Nina not even interested and then bam, just slips into the whole, "Oh, whoopsie, I can procreate.
" Whereas I, you know For years we we're never careful.
For years.
Never.
And the one time I'm late doesn't stick.
- Never sticks.
- Rose Maybe I don't have the marvellous, miraculous Defoe DNA.
- OK, OK.
OK.
- (ROSE SOBS) OK.
You're crazy.
Rose (MUSIC PLAYING) - Having a good time there? - What is your problem? No, seriously.
There are many other people you could be doing this to.
There's a whole party of people just waiting to be irritated by you.
Look, I just don't like seeing a good thing go to waste.
I'm pregnant.
- Pregnant.
- Yeah, well, even more reason.
You were good today, with Will.
It's a pity you didn't listen to yourself.
Tyler! Disco queen! Woo! I know I look like I love it.
It's all fake.
Woo! (GLASS TINGS) NATHAN: A decade ago, I gave a speech at our ten-year anniversary party, and it was a lot more exciting than this one is going to be.
- Yep.
- Back then it was all backpacking in Bali, and Daft Punk at Glastonbury, and, er, - up all night at the Hacienda.
- Yeah.
Er, in the decade since, there have been fewer adventures, but the adventures we have had have been, for the most part, - dreadful.
- Oh! I don't know whose idea the European road trip was! - Yours.
It was all yours.
- (LAUGHTER) Er, six countries in two weeks, three kids in the back of the car, and no Wi-Fi.
Worst holiday ever! Er, there have been chicken pox, er, appendicitis (SIGHS) deaths.
Fathers, twice.
- Er, mothers both - Be very careful.
still very much alive.
There's been huge sums spent on football kits and leotards and and on takeaway food! Thank you, Jade Garden! (CHEERING) Fun times, crap times.
But most of the time .
.
it's been pretty ace.
You know, I've long thought that marriage is like a Lemony Snicket story.
It's a series of unfortunate events.
(LAUGHTER) The best we can do is just to cling to one another and hope (EMOTIONAL) it works out for the best.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
Thank you.
So to my My adjectives fail me.
To my wife, Hannah.
To Hannah.
ALL: To Hannah! (APPLAUSE AND (CHEERING) Congratulations! (FIREWORKS BANG) ALL: OOH! (WHOOPING) (MUSIC PLAYING) - Take another one.
- Mm-hmm! Oh, my God! - Do this? - Mmm.
Oh, no.
Send it.
- You think? - Mm-hmm.
(CONVERSATION AND (LAUGHTER) - Nice speech.
- Oh, damn you.
Don't be nice.
You can't be nice as well.
I mean, look at you.
You won the goddamn genetic lottery.
Shit.
Wow.
That hurts.
Is that real? I remember life before children, when, er, gyms weren't just places you paid membership for but never visited.
I just swim these days.
Hannah likes swimming.
Is that so? I always envied you.
I mean, you arrived at law school with your stories of your travelling, and you knew every lyric to every song by Radiohead No, not envy.
I, er I hated you.
Ah, it's harsh, isn't it? But it is true.
These things need to be said.
Actually I want to thank you.
Because you pushed me on.
You made me work harder.
For Hannah.
For my family.
- I am grateful.
- I hope you are.
Just don't hurt her again.
DRUNKEN GUEST: I'd love to stay, I really would You OK? Longer conversation.
My Uber's here in two minutes.
(SNIFFS) Why did you never have any children? What? Wrong time.
Wrong person.
Probably the right choice.
That's what Hannah said, the first time she got pregnant.
And then she went on and had three.
- You're losing me here.
- I've got nothing against abortion, but how do you know? Hannah said that she just did.
Three months after she got married, she just knew it was the wrong time to have a baby, so she had an abortion.
- What?! - But I couldn't go through with it.
(LAUGHS) I'm going to do it.
Oh I am going to have a kid.
(SHE LAUGHS) (CAR APPROACHES) This must be yours.
You take it.
Are you sure? Is it true? Nina just told me.
- A few months after the wedding? - Told you what? You were pregnant? - Christie - You didn't tell me.
You didn't give me a chance to Wow.
(SIGHS) It could have been mine.
Wow.
Christie Christie! Chris ! Go away.
Go away!