The Tick (2016) s02e05 Episode Script

Magic is Real

ARTHUR: "Joan of Arc cleans up city.
Where are Tick and Arthur?" (SCOFFS) "Where are Tick and Arthur?" We've been in the sewer for the last two days.
Easy, chum.
A hero is never so tall as when he stoops to clean out the underside of the city.
Now, how we doing with DB's map? Okay, uh, at this point, there are pretty much only two places left where Lobstercules might be.
Lobstercules.
That supposed to be like "lobster" and "Hercules" put together? Yeah.
I mean, we think so.
Where did you come from, fancy man? Nowhere.
Everywhere.
And Baltimore.
Baltimore.
I am the Tick.
This is Arthur.
Hi.
Sage, The Supernumerary.
I wield the mystic power of the ancients 'cause I'm heir to the Blind Eye of Thirdarra.
Blind.
And staring right at me.
Mm, oh yeah, Sage the-the Supernumerary.
Yeah-yeah-yeah, I've heard of you.
You're part of the-the Righteous Squad, right? I am.
For now, anyway.
We're having an overpopulation issue.
Team's got 12 permanent members, plus the B-squad and the C-squad.
Sounds tight at the HQ.
No joke.
Yeah so wh you're here, trying out for one of those Flag Five spots? No comment.
So where y'all getting that croissant love? Right behind you, chum.
Whoa.
Oh, yeah.
Magic is real.
Yay.
(CHUCKLES) Hey, I know that guy.
Bronze Star, you magnificent bastard.
I read your book.
Sage, the Super-nipple.
- Oh, man.
- Hey, man.
- All right.
- Come on.
Ah.
This place is truly becoming an heroic hub.
I'm glad you're finally seeing what AEGIS has to offer, Tick.
Welcome to the Heroes Lounge, a place where you can relax, or Ah, network with colleagues.
MISS LINT: Great.
Hello, boys.
Our physical testing process is mostly non-intrusive.
And once you're approved, you'll get to Breathe, chum.
Breathe.
What is she even doing here? I don't know.
Registering for AEGIS.
Or simply take a break at our world-class refreshments and coffee bar.
Our croissants are particularly good.
What? No, no.
No.
No tiny butter for you.
Arthur, do we have a-a problem here? - Yes.
- Take it easy, chum.
Yes.
We do have a problem, okay.
She-She is hiding behind that mask.
- Do you know who she really is? - Ah-ah, uh-uh.
We do not reveal our fellow heroes' secret identities here.
That's against AEGIS policy.
You don't want to break any of our hero rules, do you? Come on, Arthur.
Focus.
We're on the trail of a lobstrosity.
You're right.
Tick is right.
We don't have time for this.
We have more important things to do.
Mm-hmm.
I do apologize.
(SIGHS) Come on, Tick, let's go.
DANGERBOAT: Initiating brain scan, please stand by.
And congratulations to us all on a great mission.
Thanks, DB.
DANGERBOAT: Cheers.
OVERKILL: DB's right.
The mission didn't suck.
You'll get hooked on it.
I can tell.
You're tweaked like that.
Tweaked.
People who are all there don't do this kind of thing by choice.
But you, you're a natural.
We should talk about your superpower, though.
Superpower? I'm a Category One.
Stronger, faster, accelerated healing.
I've been around superhumans since AEGIS pulled me out of the orphanage.
I know what a superpower looks like.
I dodged that bullet, didn't I? - You dodged that bullet.
- (EXHALES SHARPLY) But you didn't just move fast.
You did something else.
I thought he got me, at first.
I mean, like, I heard the gun go off.
It didn't happen, but I knew that it would, so I just moved.
Sounds like Category Four, minimum.
No, that's crazy.
Welcome to the club.
First rule of the club is shut up.
DANGERBOAT: Okay, guys, I have an initial scan completed.
I'm definitely detecting super-tech.
It's a neural implant.
It appears to damper consciousness while selectively inhibiting the brain's motor centers.
So that's what's telling him to act like a floor lamp.
Basically, yes.
Are you getting any readings off it? Something we can track to The Duke? DANGERBOAT: Yes.
We will need to remove it from the surrounding tissue before it can be fully analyzed.
You mean brain surgery? Well, it's currently surrounded by a brain, so (LAUGHS) Okay, that's it.
What are you doing? - We have to talk to him at least.
- What? No! Why the hell'd you do that? We don't even know who he is.
We don't need to.
Hello? It's gonna be okay.
Can you tell us your name? Is it Is it Ted? Works for me.
Hey, Ted.
Hey.
ARTHUR: (SIGHS) This is taking forever and I don't even know if we're on the right track.
Ah, don't lose faith in your magic moccasin theory, chum.
It's a winner.
Let's focus on today's nemesis.
He's black and white and red all over.
- We're just getting started - (GUTTURAL TRILLING NEARBY) and now all these new heroes are coming into town.
It's gonna be a bunch of incredible superhumans, and then me.
You mean us, chum.
We're a team.
Yeah, no, you're a Category Four.
You're super strong and nigh-invulnerable.
I'm just very, very vulnerable.
But that's where the team part comes in.
If you want to join The Flag Five, teamwork is gonna be just the ticket.
Yeah, but they're all, you know, superpowered.
So what? You've got a snazzy supersuit stuffed with pluck.
(EXHALES) And who knows, maybe your very vulnerability might be your greatest strength.
That doesn't sound very good.
(GUTTURAL TRILLING) (CHITTERING, GROWLING) (SEAGULLS CALLING, BARGE HORN BLARING) Month after month, I-it's like the only idea your brain can hold on to is, like, "I'm a lamp.
" Like, "I'm a lamp.
" You know? Like, "I'm a lamp," man.
"I'm a lamp.
" Moral of that story is be careful which Eastern European youth hostel you choose.
(EXHALES) Whoa.
It feels so weird to be forming words again.
(SMACKS MOUTH) I really appreciate you guys saving me.
Thank you.
Ted, we want to capture the man who's responsible for this and stop it from happening to other people.
Will you help us to do that? Definitely.
I'll do whatever it takes.
I'm not a lamp! DANGERBOAT: We will be back in The City in about 20 minutes.
We don't have the equipment on board to extract the implant.
We're going to need a serious tech expert.
I'm thinking of a certain ex-rocket scientist who's not too far away and isn't afraid to get their hands dirty.
Black Market Bob.
- Black Market Bob.
- Black Market Bob? If Bob can't do it, no one can.
But I'll need to go there on my own me and Ted.
- (TED LAUGHING DELIGHTEDLY) - You think I'm paranoid.
Bob makes me look like a free-loving hippie.
Well, that sounds fun.
DANGERBOAT: Turning off scramblers now.
Making the call.
Feel free to check your cell phones.
(PHONES BUZZING) Oh, my God, my mom's been blowing up my phone for the last day.
How long is this Black Market person thing gonna take? We'll reconvene back here in exactly 27 hours.
And mark.
Or you could just text me.
- Yeah, sure.
- Okay.
My guest tonight is the man at the center of this controversy Superian.
- So, Superian - Hi, Graham.
You're here tonight to share with us what? I suppose I'm here to clear the air.
Kind of how I cleared the air of all those meteors falling on Chile a few years ago.
Do you remember that? You remember how much we all enjoyed that? Chile does.
They still have a parade.
Superian, Devil's Tower Any regrets? Look, if I could go back in time, and have this all to do over again And I'm pretty sure I can, I've just never tried I would (SIGHS) The point is, I did what I did in order to show you all how I feel about you.
I'm here to cradle your species.
Along with a general outcry, many people have put forth various aesthetic objections.
- Your portrayal of humanity for example - Well, now, look, I was I was I was finishing up the humanity part when the Parks Department starts (BUZZES) buzzing me.
And I would love to get back in there and, you know, fix you all up.
But there is a certain government that does not want me to do that.
So, then, you didn't intend to depict us as a mortally-wounded gingerbread man? I didn't intend for you to be a big dumb old gray-haired assface.
We can cut that, right? I think what some of us are responding to is the transgressive nature of your so-called statement.
In short, that you owe us all an explanation.
This was the explanation.
This was my grand gesture, my gift to you.
Look, The Terror was alive all these years.
I get it.
I messed up.
But we got him.
And I'm still all-powerful, and I am here to cradle you lovingly! Well, he's definitely less boring.
SUPERIAN: That's it, Graham.
Oh, and get a backdrop.
You're not in space.
- Hey it's Frank.
- He is not in space everybody! Boss.
Edgelord.
Where the hell did you go yesterday? I had to get the event on camera.
The event? Why? Because social media.
It's part of the plan.
We're crafting an image.
Oh, come on, Frank.
No hard feelings.
You know what? Yes.
Yes, hard feelings.
I had to prove that Joan of Arc isn't Miss Lint.
I had to take out Lint's people.
Don't you mean your people? I let you all get away.
You zapped Albert so hard, he lost Tuesday.
- Hmm? - Like as a concept.
Worth it.
- Look.
- What's this? It's an AEGIS card.
Joan of Arc is officially registered.
(LAUGHS) What are you, high? You signed up at AEGIS? - It's part of the plan.
- I thought the plan was to take down the crime in The City so you could be the crime in The City.
Yeah, and if I have to be a hero to do that, why not take down both rackets at once? If she lands a slot on The Flag Five, she'll have unlimited access to the team's headquarters.
(LAUGHS) The-The Flag Five? Yeah, I broke in there once.
It's an excellent piece of real estate.
What? No, you can't be on The Flag Five.
Don't be so pessimistic.
- Frank's concerns are valid.
- Thank you.
You'll need to up your game if you want to win a Flag Five spot.
And that means going after a super-villain.
Boss, no.
Well there is one in The City.
And I just might know where to find him.
Hmm.
This thing has playback, right? Hells yeah.
Records everything you see.
ARTHUR: Okay, there should be a cistern right up ahead here.
- TICK: All right! - (QUIETLY): No.
Tick, quiet, okay? I think this might be the one.
Every step brings us closer to a confrontation with a monster.
Shh.
(SCREAMS) TICK: Who goes there? Friend or fiend? - Hey, guys.
- TICK: Oh, hey! - (ARTHUR SIGHS) - It's Bronze Star - and Supernipple.
- Supernumerary.
Did you track us using your mystical senses? That and I took a look at your map this morning.
- You looked at my map? - Figured you two could use a hand.
Plus, Bronze Star was saying we should do a team-up.
Love the team-ups.
Oh, who doesn't love a team-up? Four heroes pooling their cool, battling evil as one.
Ha! TICK: Oh, yes.
We were just talking about teamwork.
(BRONZE STAR CHUCKLES) We already checked out the passages that way.
No sign of Lobstercules.
Looks like you two haven't found anything, either.
Well, uh, there's one possible spot left on the map, but it's a ways off, so BRONZE STAR: You could teleport us over there, right, Sage? Teleport? That's all kinds of neat.
Yeah, I'm sorry, man.
I need to have been there first for that to work.
Otherwise, I'll just get mixed up.
- We should just use our legs.
- BRONZE STAR: Tick's right.
Let's just try this last way and see what we find.
Cool.
Let's go.
Come on, chum.
OVERKILL: Problem? TED: Not exactly the kind of place a guy wants to get brain surgery.
- Bob's not a surgeon.
- Oh.
- (BUZZER SOUNDS) - AUTOMATED VOICE: Access granted.
DISTORTED MALE VOICE: Identify yourselves.
Keep your mouth shut.
I've got this.
- It's Overkill.
- I'll need a retinal scan.
- AUTOMATED VOICE: Scanning.
- (WHIRRING) SUBJECT IDENTIFIED: Overkill.
DISTORTED MALE VOICE: Anyone could have gouged out those metal eyes and stuck them in your eye holes.
All you need is a good spoon and a steady hand.
Damn it, Bob.
You know it's me.
Open the door, or I'll blow it open.
- (BUZZER SOUNDS) - AUTOMATED VOICE: Access granted.
Absolutely no sense of humor.
Hi, Bobby.
(GUTTURAL TRILLING, WHIRRING) Okay.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, - oh, my God.
- MAN: right here.
That's it.
- (MAN LAUGHS) - (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) What? What are you doing? What are you doing? Oh, God, God.
(PANTING) (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) You must hide now.
MAN: I told you, it's right here.
- (GROWLING) - MAN: Aw, it's jammed.
All right, sweetheart.
Keep your claws down.
Come on, Mom.
You want to see the kiddies, don't ya? Yes.
Oh, God, look at that kisser.
Don't piss your pants, Denny.
Take it easy now, honey.
(LOBSTERS CHIRPING) (LOBSTERCULES COOING) Okay, Dougie.
Go ahead.
Dinnertime.
(LOBSTERS SINGING) This isn't going to hurt, is it? Nah.
But it might cause a teensy bit of brain damage.
- What? - She's joking.
Badly.
Eh, I got to get my kicks somehow.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Foreign object found.
(BLACK MARKET BOB GRUNTS) Pretty piece of business.
- Nobody does tech like The Duke.
- The man's a monster.
I can admire the creation and hate the creator.
So, I can be myself again? - Who were you? - Uh, just a guy who worked at IKEA.
- Ugh.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! This thing is transmitting.
Get it out of here.
I need you to trace that signal.
It might lead me to The Duke.
You are a psycho, but I am not sending you into a trap.
I need to find The Duke.
I'm trying to keep you alive.
Don't.
(DEVICE BEEPING, WHIRRING) AUTOMATED VOICE: Scanning object.
Transmission located.
I'd say see you at your funeral, but there won't be enough left of you to bury.
Doesn't seem to be anything down here.
How solid is your intel? Well, Dangerboat gave us our special map, - and he's shipshape.
- Oh, hey, I know Dangerboat.
- He's good people.
- Hey, Arthur! Bronze Star knows DB.
Arthur? Egad.
Arthur's gone.
Yeah, it doesn't look good, man.
I'm getting, like, a real abduction vibe.
That fiend Lobstercules has taken my chum.
What if it hurts him? What if it kills him? Uh, maybe it won't.
I was on a monster hunt once in the Ozarks, and there was this critter who would keep his victims alive long enough to lay its eggs in their body.
I mean, it would just shove its ovipositor - right down the throat.
- What?! - Man, that's not helping right now.
- (TICK PANTING) Sage, you're a magical, mystical being.
Is there something you could do nipple-wise that could help? Well, your friend has a strong spirit.
If it's strong enough, I might be able to catch a read through these here walls.
Then do that! Please! Excuse me.
By the Blind Eye of Thirdarra! The Eye leads the way.
Thank you.
Arthur! Arthur! Arthur! (LOBSTERS SINGING) (LOBSTERCULES COOING) (LOBSTERS CONTINUE SINGING) All right, sweetheart.
That's it.
Family goes back in the box.
(GROWLS) DENNY: We got another job tomorrow, so you get good and ready for action.
(LOBSTERS CHIRPING IN DISTRESS) (LOBSTERCULES TRILLING GUTTURALLY) DONNY: Ah.
Back off, Mom.
We'll come get you tomorrow.
(WHIMPERS) Oh, my God.
They're making you do this.
They have my children.
Please.
Help me.
I will.
I swear.
Arthur! - (SIGHS) He's coming to save me.
- TICK: Arthur! Wait a second, he's coming to save me.
- You face the Tick! - No, Tick, Tick, Tick, don't (LOBSTERCULES GROWLING) ARTHUR: No, Tick! Stop! - Ah! - (TICK GASPS) Tick! Tick, stop.
- (GRUNTS) - No, Tick, Tick! Tick, stop! She's not your archnemesis, okay? (GROANS) (WORKERS SCREAMING) Tick, stop! (GROWLS) She's not trying to hurt us.
She needs our help.
- It's a her? - She's not a villain, Tick.
Lobstercules? (GROWLS) Please, okay? W-We're trying to help you here.
Just please, just give us a chance to explain! Please? No.
No, no, no.
How did how did you? Thanks for the sewer map, sap.
Chalk another one up for the good guys! (WORKERS CHEERING) - (HORNS HONKING) - (CHEERING CONTINUES)