The Tick (2016) s02e06 Episode Script

Categorically Speaking

1 TICK: Oh, Lobstercules, forgive me.
I misjudged your book by its spiky red cover.
You were only trying to keep your children safe.
What kind of a hero strikes a mother in her mouthparts? Look, Tick, I wouldn't beat yourself up over this.
(SIGHS) Now she's languishing in an AEGIS jail cell.
- We must go to her, help her.
- Yeah, that's what we're doing.
We just have to get all our paperwork in order first.
Why, Arthur? Why must there be paper? (SIGHS) Tick.
Listen.
We didn't catch Lobstercules.
Right? So, since we're not the arresting heroes, if we want to see her in prison, we have to file a prisoner visitation request.
Hey, Tick, listen.
I'm an accountant.
Okay? Red tape is my specialty.
I got this.
Next in line.
Can I help you? Yes, you can "Veranda.
" Uh, we are here to file a request for maximum security prisoner visitation.
That's gonna take several forms.
Yeah, I am way ahead of you.
You mark your AEGIS manual sections with colored tabs.
So do I.
So We're gonna need ten copies of 5-11 "C," uh, with attachments.
And then you'll need your interdepartmental information and access releases.
Petition for security clearance.
In triplicate.
- Mm-hmm.
- Whoa, take it easy, lady.
Hey, you know what? Uh, why don't you throw in a, uh, limited disclosure application as well? Impressive.
But the one form that most everyone forgets to get is the BOTH: 15-50 Special Status Exemption Waiver.
Wow.
He's scary.
Well, you're scary, Paper Queen.
Good gravy, it's an avalanche.
- Do you hate trees? - Don't worry, Tick.
Now we just have to get some, uh, authorization signatures.
- How many? - Uh, 13.
A grim baker's dozen.
Hold on, Lobstercules, we're coming for you.
- (GRUNTS) - (ELECTRICAL BUZZING) (SCREAMING) Ah.
(KEYPAD BEEPING) Thank you, Miranda.
Joan of Arc.
- You wanted to see me? - Yes.
You ended the menace of Lobstercules.
I believe congratulations are in order.
You're becoming quite the hero of note in The City.
And here at AEGIS.
Great.
So, then, what did you want, again? (SIGHS) When you apprehended it, did it speak? Mm Did it appear to use language at all? Look at the damn thing, Doc.
It did not speak.
It made monster movie noises.
I'll make a note.
Thank you for your insight.
Yeah.
Whatever.
So, nothing to say for yourself? (LOBSTERCULES CHITTERING QUIETLY) Miranda, schedule it for transfer to the lab.
End of day, please.
Yes, Doctor Agent Hobbes.
And then, my friend the real fun begins.
(LOBSTERCULES WARBLING) (HORNS HONKING) MAN: We're coming to you from The City's newly reopened AEGIS branch office where their open house is underway.
This is E.
Morgan Pearl, here with the legendary AEGIS Agent Commander Tyrannosaurus Rathbone.
Well, we're just glad you're down here covering our little shindig, Pearl.
We wanted to open our doors and, uh, shake hands with the community.
Our agency is all about transparency now.
PEARL: Transparency? Great.
So tell us about Superian.
Does AEGIS plan to make a statement directly condemning him for his actions? Whoa, now.
That's way off topic, there, son.
It's an open house.
(SNAPS FINGERS) Here.
- I think you need a hat.
- Uh, yeah Come on.
MAN (OVER P.
A.
): AEGIS and you, working together TICK: Okay, kids.
And remember, don't smoke.
Don't rob.
And don't kill.
All right? You run along, now.
- WOMAN: What do you say, kids? - CHILDREN: Thanks, Tick.
ARTHUR: Okay, first things first.
We need Doctor Agent Hobbes to sign a 15-50 Special Status Exemption Waiver.
Wow, this open house is really filling up, huh? ARTHUR: Makes sense.
I would totally come here.
I mean, I would if I weren't already here.
(CHUCKLES) God, I can't believe we're actually part of AEGIS.
Oh, we are in, all right.
We just need to get Lobstercules out.
(CHUCKLES) Cool hat.
Ah, thanks.
Well, it's been decades since I've been in an AEGIS branch.
MAN: Well, you picked a good day to come in, mister.
Another tour starts soon, if you're interested.
(CHUCKLES) I'll just show myself around, thanks.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER) (PEOPLE GASPING, MURMURING) - MAN: That's him.
- (GRUNTS, LAUGHS) MAN: It's Bronze Star, honey.
Come on! - (GASPING, MURMURING CONTINUE) - WOMAN: Bronze Star! - Really? - So hot! So awesome! - (MURMURING CONTINUES) - MAN: Come on, guys.
Get in, get in.
(CAMERAS CLICKING) I can't believe this.
(CHUCKLES) JOAN: So, what are you doing this afternoon? DOT: I was thinking I might check out that AEGIS open house.
Hmm.
You know, when your father died, they were very good to us.
I don't remember that.
It feels safer here, now that they're back.
Uh-huh.
Hey, Mom.
Do you remember me doing anything unusual when I was a kid? - Unusual? - Like unexplainable.
Something weird the other kids didn't do.
(LAUGHS) No.
That was Arthur's department.
You were always very explainable, honey.
(SIGHS) You're working too hard.
I can see it.
Walter tells me not to worry.
He says you two are right on schedule.
But then again, he always thought you kids were heading somewhere special.
Walter said that? Yes.
You know I believe it, too.
You have to.
You're our mom.
(LOCK BUZZES, LATCH CLICKS) A request for prisoner visitation? I hardly think your compassion is well spent on Lobstercules, gentlemen.
Well, no Listen.
Donny and his fishermen were the ones who were planning the robberies.
They were just forcing Lobstercules to help them.
Of course.
They trained the creature to perform simple tasks, but it has no higher reasoning or power of language.
But she spoke to Arthur, Doc.
She? Yes, Doctor Agent Hobbes.
She spoke.
- Parroted words.
- Parroted words? I highly doubt you heard evidence of true speech.
Well, it sure sounded like it.
Fine.
If she is going to start chatting, I would urge her to do so before end of day.
- Oh, thank you.
- I filed the paperwork to have Lobstercules transferred to our labs for experimentation.
Experimentation? Wait, no.
You can't experiment on her.
What? Yes, I can.
The subject shows no proof of sentience.
And, Arthur, this is a true subhuman.
What we at AEGIS call a cryptid, or you might term a monster.
We thought she was a monster, too, but she's not.
She's a Momster.
Momster.
(LAUGHS) Oh, you mean there are offspring? Oh.
Uh, Tick, we-we should get going.
I think You know, we got a lot more signatures to collect.
Right.
And it's open house day.
I have a Villain Doppler to demo.
- Oh, good luck with that.
- Okay.
Come on, Tick.
We got to get Lobstercules to start speaking before they put her in a lab.
MAN (OVER P.
A.
): AEGIS and you.
Working together - toward a better tomorrow.
- Ugh, what the hell is this? WOMAN: It's Joan of Arc! Get a picture of me with Joan of Arc.
- Joan! Oh - Uh, can I get your autograph? - Mm.
Ugh.
-Oh, please! - Thank you so much.
- Really, you're too kind.
- We love your work, Joan.
- I don't know what to say.
- Thank you! Really, I would rather die.
- Ugh.
- We love your work, Joan.
- You, too, huh? - Yes.
MAN (OVER P.
A.
): You and AEGIS.
- There they are.
- KEVIN: That's Dot.
Dot.
Dot.
(IMITATING SNEEZE): Hey, Dot! - (CLEARS THROAT) - Hey, Kevin.
It's good to see a friendly face.
Seems like we're both on the same trail.
- Going on the AEGIS open house tour? - (SHUSHING) Don't reveal the plan.
Please.
Are you joining the tour, miss? Uh sure.
Yeah.
Oh.
If you'll all just follow me Now, while we're on the tour, I'll need you to remember three things: stay with the group, do not touch anything, and have a great time.
I got back into town just in time.
Were you on vacation or something? I left when AEGIS showed up.
But over time, I realized I can't spend my life running.
The City needs me.
Yep.
Okay.
Nope, got to go patrol now.
Just back off.
Ah.
Superian.
You have got to be kidding me.
Seems we got ourselves a walking rodeo in our china shop.
Oh, Superian is here.
Uninvited, in a restricted area, and none of our alarms went off.
Superian does move faster than the human eye can register.
And he emits a wide spectrum of energies at will.
In short, he goes where he wants to.
So we're the next stop on his meltdown tour? Perhaps he's here to register.
Oh, I doubt that.
Look at that man.
He's dressed like a rest stop strangler.
Should we shut down the open house? Don't want to spook everybody.
Press would have a field day.
- So, we? - Watch him, I guess.
- See what develops.
- See what develops.
- Of course, sir.
- That'll be all, Hobbes.
(SIGHS) (ELECTRICAL BUZZING) (TAKES DEEP BREATH) (MICE SQUEAKING) (HIGH-PITCHED WHIRRING AND WHOOSHING) God, I mean, can you believe, a week ago, I didn't even know that AEGIS had an intra-branch procedures liaison officer.
- (FLEXON SIGHS HEAVILY) - And now we have her autograph, too.
(SIGHS) I think we might actually pull this off, Tick.
You guys still trying to go down to see your new pal in detention? Yeah.
Yeah, but we're pretty much done with the paperwork now.
You all right there, Flex? Seem a little stretched out.
(GROANS) Yeah, working a booth at the open house.
And everybody wants a little flex out of the Flexometric Man, if you know what I mean.
You guys feel that? FLEXON: Sage, what is up with you? My cosmic senses are tingling.
Picking up something on the old nipple? Something has passed between the planes here.
Something sinister, hovering just beyond the edge of never.
(SAGE SLURPING) Ah.
This place is haunted, man.
AEGIS is haunted? FLEXON: Don't worry about it.
Sage thinks everything is haunted.
That's cause everything is haunted, Flex-ass.
But I think this place is, like, like, extra haunted.
- Holy cats.
- ARTHUR: Okay.
Well, I think we've dotted all the I's and crossed all the T's.
The only form left to fill out is, uh "consent of arresting hero.
" - All right.
- Oh, no.
The form is haunted? We need Lint to sign that one.
Oops.
Oops retracted.
I'm not here.
Now, up ahead on your left, the Strong Arm 6000 is a device that we use to measure superhuman attributes.
Now, unfortunately, we can't see the machine today as it's under repair.
(GROUP MURMURING) Kevin, what are you doing? - Oh, yeah! - Down the hall! I'm not really here as a tourist.
Okay.
I'm here to find out what AEGIS has to hide.
(DOT GASPS) (SIGHS) What? Uh, we kind of need your help.
How about no.
Okay, listen, you're the arresting hero on the Lobstercules case, so we can't see her without your consent.
Her? Lobstercules isn't evil.
Also, she isn't a he.
We need you to sign this form so we can help her.
I'm not signing that.
Oh, you are, because it's the right thing to do and heroes do the right thing.
No.
I'm not signing it because the rules don't say that I have to, so up yours.
(TICK SIGHS) Up mine.
See, I told you, Tick.
She hasn't changed at all.
I'm not so sure, chum.
- These changes can take time.
- (SNIFFING) My guess is she's already hearing the call.
- What? No, come on.
- What call? Oh.
The voice will be tiny at first.
Just a whisper, whispering in your mind's ear.
You'll want to shut it out, but Destiny doesn't like to be shut out.
Ugh, no, that's for damn sure.
How do I shut you out? (TICK AND ARTHUR LAUGHING) You'll think you're going crazy, but you're not.
No, you're going sane in a crazy world.
And once Destiny starts messing with your life, well BOTH: You'll never be the same again.
You know what, just give it to me.
Anything just to get you guys to go away.
- That's the spirit.
- Thank you very much.
No time to lose.
Off to the Paper Queen.
TROOPER HOOPER: Please look, but do not touch.
This is very sensitive equipment.
So this thing can tell if you're a category or not? Yes.
It's very colorful.
I mean, if you're a category.
My parents had AEGIS test me as a kid.
Wait, you're a category? (SIGHS) I'm a category three.
Kevin.
I think I might be a category.
How (CLEARS THROAT) What can you do? Dodge bullets.
TROOPER HOOPER: All right, everyone, if you've had enough, we're gonna keep moving on.
Still plenty to see.
It's like déjà vu, but it's not.
That sounds like temporal distortion.
Right.
Okay.
So I should probably get tested, then, - so I know for sure, right? - No.
You can never let AEGIS know.
(DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN) (DOOR WHOOSHES CLOSED) (SUPERIAN HUMMING A TUNE) (WHOOSHING) - Hi.
- Hi.
- Joan of Arc.
- (CHUCKLES) I can see the weather on Pluto.
You think I can't see through that mask, Janet? (SIGHS) Ah, crap.
You spent years helping The Terror try to kill me.
Technically, but that was really his thing, just so you know.
What do you think of it so far? Being a hero? (SIGHS) It's a pain in my ass.
(LAUGHING): Yeah.
You got that right.
But it beats being hated.
No, being hated, that I know how to do.
This is just this is just weird.
No, this is the best part.
Front page of the paper, hearing people applaud your name on TV.
It's when they start tunneling into your brain and tearing down everything you've built up and taking apart your cathedral, brick by brick, and then you have to just sit back, and you have to watch because the one way you can think of to fix this might just blow the whole lot of them shrieking into space.
Seven billion monkeys Boiling in the void.
I don't know.
Maybe you should - you should talk to someone.
- Oh, I got a guy.
He's great.
I think you know him, actually.
Arthur.
- Arthur? - Little guy.
Wings.
You mean Arthur? Arthur Everest? (SCOFFS) What does he know? - Hey.
That's the jerk who hates me.
- What? He hates me on TV for a living.
Superian problem.
But I have received a hat.
- Wait.
Is he here? - "Make AEGIS Great Again.
" I think he's here.
(DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN) Looks like you've got all your paperwork in order.
Of course it's in order, Paper Queen.
You just told us that, like, five minutes ago.
Oh, that's my sister Veranda.
I'm Miranda.
We're twins.
Ha! A duo of doppelgangers.
What, b-both of you got recruited by AEGIS? I think the telepathy helped.
She says hi, by the way.
Let's go see your giant lobster.
(KEYPAD BEEPING) (LOCK BEEPS AND BUZZES) (LOCK WHOOSHES AND BUZZES) (LOBSTERCULES CHITTERING) (SQUEALING) Seems real happy to see you.
You've got ten minutes.
(LOBSTERCULES CHITTERING, WARBLING) We mean you no harm.
I am so sorry for our throw-down in the sewer.
I've been having quite a confusing week, good-and-evil-wise.
(CHUCKLES) I got it into my thick, blue head that you were my villainous nemesis.
ARTHUR: Listen, Lobstercules, I-I know that you don't trust us yet, but we're the best hope you've got.
You have to let the people at AEGIS hear you speak.
Come on.
- Speak.
- Just a little.
ARTHUR: Speaking, maybe? Come on! We spent all day filling out forms and getting signatures.
Please speak.
Sweet mother of lobsters! Do you want to get sent to the lab? Think of your children.
Do not speak of them here.
No, no, no, of course AEGIS won't go on record.
Yeah, when it comes to Superian, they're just sticking with "No comment.
" Excuse me.
I have a comment.
Uh, hang on, Jim, got another Pearl Diver here.
He probably wants an autograph.
No, I don't want your autograph.
I just wanted to give you a little viewer feedback.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, uh, hi.
- Um - Hi.
Now, if you'll follow me, I've saved the best for last.
Next stop, the Danger Suite.
MAN: Let's go.
Let's check it out.
- (GROUP MURMURING) - KEVIN: Psst.
AEGIS is afraid of us.
Us? You mean categories? Yes.
They're always watching.
Okay, Kevin, no offense, but the whole tinfoil hat thing's not really helping me here.
I mean, AEGIS has been good to my family.
They helped my mom, my brother's already signed up, and then You, Overkill keep saying they can't be trusted, but you don't say why.
Because these people don't think that we're human, and when people think that, they can do some pretty awful things.
Maybe some of them are down here.
Kevin.
Stop.
Where are you going? Secrets nearby.
I can feel them.
They're gonna see us.
There's got to be surveillance.
No, no, no.
It's okay.
I've got my Foiler.
Okay, Kevin, we should probably get back to the tour Walter.
No, that's John Wu.
John Wu? That that man looks just like my stepfather.
- May I help you? - Oh! Lab coat.
DOT: We were not We were We were Lab coat.
Oh, you're from one of our open house tours, I presume.
(CHUCKLES) It's a shame they overlooked this display.
The Star of Valor is one of AEGIS's highest honors.
You're one of the Lab Coat Men.
- Kevin.
- I'm Doctor Agent Hobbes.
Hmm.
- And you look familiar to me.
- DOT: Really? So funny, 'cause people just say that to me all the time.
- Do they? - I'm Debra.
- Debra Evanston.
- Hmm? Oh, uh, well Debra.
And Kevin, is it? Mm, mm.
Let me help you get back to your tour group.
- That would be great.
Thank you so much.
- Great.
Come with me.
Okay.
(WHISPERS): Lab coat.
- Shut up.
Stop.
- Lab coat.
I was looking for a new home for my family.
Somebody had been filling the oceans with plastic.
- Who? - ARTHUR: Wait, I'm-I'm sorry, did you say that you're from Atlantis? Yes.
Once, my kind were the Atlantean Royal Guard, honor bound to defend the defenseless.
That's how I was caught by the Donnellys.
We save lost sailors.
It's just a thing that we do.
Donny told me that his boat went down.
So you saved the Donnellys and then they turned on you.
LOBSTERCULES: They got hold of my babies.
I've been serving them ever since.
My children spoke of a house under a volcano, an image they've seen near where they've been kept.
House under a volcano? There must be thousands of those.
Lobstercules, we can save your babies, but that's no good if they don't have a mother.
- (SIGHS) - Talk to AEGIS, okay? You talk to them, and they have to treat you like a human being.
No labs, no knives.
Do you understand? (GRUNTS, SIGHS) I will speak to your scientists.
But swear to tell none of these war makers about my brood.
I swear.
Sweet lady, on my honor, we will save your children.
(LOBSTERCULES WARBLING) (WIND WHIPPING, WHOOSHING) SUPERIAN: Can you read my mind? Do you know what it is that you do to me? You don't know who I am.
I'm just a friend from another star.
Here you are, holding hands with a god.
Look at you, quivering, like a little boy shivering.
Why aren't you wondering why I am all the wonderful things I am? (SCREAMING) You and I could belong to each other.
(SCREAMING, WHIMPERING) I'm not a monster, I'm not a beast, and that is why I make this statement now to my captors.
I am a speaking, thinking creature, and I demand proper treatment.
You see? Lobstercules isn't a monster.
She's just a nice lady from Atlantis.
It does seem that my earlier classification has been proven incorrect.
Has she told you anything else about herself that might be of interest? ARTHUR: You know, she might have given us a lead on where to follow the Donnellys, but apart from that no, no, nothing interesting.
All right.
- Hobbes.
- Yes, sir? Change your status, and you pull her out of the cryptid file.
D-Does this mean you're gonna start treating her - like a person? - Indeed.
Rights on! This is a professional environment.
All right, gentlemen you got yourselves a lead, I suggest that you get on out there and you follow it.
- Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.
BOTH: Yes! - After you.
- Thank you.
ARTHUR: Good day, gentlemen.
Good day.
ARTHUR (HUSHED): Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! TICK: Yes! (WHOOPING, LAUGHING) (SIGHS HEAVILY) So any news about Superian? No sign of him since he abducted Mr.
Pearl.
I don't know what the hell we're gonna do about that.
Well, perhaps this is a problem that will solve itself.
(GASPS) (ANIMALS CHITTERING, CHIRPING, SQUAWKING) Okay.
H-Hello? H Hello?! Superian!