The Umbrella Academy (2019) s03e08 Episode Script

Wedding at the End of the World

1
[DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING.]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILDS.]

[TRIPOD CLICKS.]

[SHARP INHALE.]

[ENERGY RESONATES.]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC SWELLS.]

[MAN 1.]
Ain't no cause to
make a building like this.

[MAN 2, IN JAPANESE.]
Have
you ever been called arrogant?
I don't know what that means,
but these plans is bizarre.

[IN JAPANESE.]
That's all there
is to it.
Follow the blueprint.

[MAN 1.]
I said, I don't
understand these plans,
I don't understand you.

[TICKING.]

[ENERGY BUILDING UP.]

[TICKING SPEED INCREASES.]

[BELL DINGS.]

[CROWD CHEERING.]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]

[DRAMATIC MARCH PLAYING.]

[BELL DINGS.]

When the job is done.

- You want 'em all dead?
- All dead.

[WEAPONS COCKING.]

[DRONING.]

Back in a flash.

[WATCH TICKING FAINTLY.]

[GUNSHOT.]

[GUNSHOT.]

[SCATTERED GUNFIRE.]

[HINGE CREAKS.]

All dead.
All dead.
All dead.

[PANTING.]

[GROANING.]

[OMINOUS STRING MUSIC PLAYING.]

[DISTANT SNARLING.]

[GLASS SHATTERING.]

[DISTANT EXPLOSIONS BOOMING.]

So, how is it that we're still here,
but the whole of the universe
is going down the cosmic shitter?
- Maybe we're the last to get flushed.

- Wasn't talking to you.

Hey, has anyone seen Klaus?
- Or Dad?
- [DIEGO.]
They'll be here.

Really? Did they hit traffic?
Look, people, we're alive
because we're special, right?
We're the only ones who
can save the universe.

- Uh, question.

- Yes.

Didn't we just try
that and fail miserably?
- Yeah, it's because his plan was stupid.

- Mm.

- I got a better one.

- 'Course you do.

We go with the large
hard-on particle accelerator.

You guys do some science,
and [CLICKS TONGUE.]

we launch the
Kugelblitz into outer space.

[DIEGO.]
Didn't think
I knew that, did ya?
It's in Switzerland.

It's "hadron,"
not "hard-on,"
ya moron!
Oi! At least he's trying,
you shitty little squid.

What have you contributed?
Actually, he did blow
up half his family.

Oh, you wanna talk
about family problems?
You know what should have blown
up is your face on that neck!
I wish I had a cake to hit
you with it in your face!
[IN KOREAN.]
What are you talking about?
- [IN SPANISH.]
You better cut that out
- [IN KOREAN.]
Shut up!
Hey! You guys done?
The universe is disappearing outside.

So you can keep rearranging
the deck chairs of the Titanic
if it makes you feel better.

But the fact remains
that we are too late.

[DIEGO AND BEN SCOFF.]

Five, come on.

It's over, Luther.
We failed.

Come on.
It can't be over over.

Yeah, come on, Five.
We
gotta figure this out, man.

Okay.
How about we take a step back?
Look at the big picture here.

Most of us have spent the last 28 days
trying to stop the world from ending.

What exactly have we accomplished?
Well, we made some
friends along the way.

Incorrect!
You know what we've done?
Nothing.
We made things
worse every single time.

Amen to that.

[SIGHS.]
Look, when I
went to the Commission,
I had a conversation
with my 100-year-old self.

And my last words were,
"Don't save the world.
"
"Don't save the world"?
"Don't save the world.
"
That's the stupidest
thing I've ever heard.

Is it? Well, whatever
we're doing's not working.

All we ever do is save
the world for a day,
pat ourselves on the back, and
then everything goes to shit again.

Yeah, maybe we're the problem.

Oh, yeah.
Us.
[SCOFFS.]

[LILA.]
So, wait.

Your big plan is
no plan?
Exactly.
Conscientious objection.

Why the hell not? We've
tried everything else.

Look, maybe this is just
what the universe needs.

I say, embrace the apocalypse.

See what's on the other side.

What if it's nothing?
Then it's been nice knowing you all.

Whatever's on your bucket list,
I recommend you do that now.

[SOMBER STRING MUSIC PLAYING.]

Well, on that super happy note,
we've, um
- Oh, what the hell.

- [LAUGHS.]
Okay.

We've, uh, got a little
announcement to make.

[BOTH.]
We're engaged!
[QUIETLY.]
Kill me, Jesus.

[DEJECTED SIGH.]

Idiots.

Now?
Yeah.
Look, we realize the
timing is less than ideal.

But, obviously, it's now
or never.
Am I right, Five?
Don't drag me into this, please.

What Whatever time we have left,
we wanna spend it with all of you.

So we're super pumped
if you would join us in the
banquet hall at 6:00 p.
m.

for a celebration of our love,
and the official union
of what's left of our
two great families.

Dress code is creative black-tie.

[SLOANE LAUGHS.]

[THUNDER RUMBLING.]

Mr.
Rodo.

Sir Reginald, welcome back.

- [KLAUS GASPS.]

- It's been quite some time.

You two know each other?
Of course we do.
I own this hotel.

- Where are the children?
- They're upstairs, sir.

- Very good.
Ready my suite, Mr.
Rodo.

- Right away, sir.

- Come on then, my boy.

- Did you just say you owned this hotel?
No time to discuss the finer points
of real estate investment just now.

- We must strike while the iron is hot.

- Stick a pin in it.

But, Daddy-o, we can't go
in there all guns a-blazing.

What are you talking about?
I'm just saying.
Try not to be overly
[EXHALES.]

you, 'kay?
Just follow my lead, Klaus.

Wow!
[LAUGHS.]

And you did all of this yourself?
Luther helped too.
We
stayed up all night.

[LILA.]
Amazing.

- [BEN.]
Dad?
- Klaus.

- Hey.

- [VIKTOR.]
Oh, thank God.

Gather 'round, children.
Quickly now!
- The hell have you been?
- Oh, Reg and I.

We got all tangled up
in a whole father-son
end-of-the-world road trip kinda thing.

- You know?
- You two are hanging now?
Yeah, we laughed, we
cried, we played in traffic,
and long story short, I'm immortal now.

[GRUNTING DRAMATICALLY.]

Whoa, wait.
You're what now?
Klaus, have you gotten
into the bath salts again?
I think the more pertinent question is,
why are you all playing with jars?
- [SLOANE.]
They're invitations.

- [JAR CLATTERS.]

Nobody's playing.

Luther and I are getting married.

All of space and time is collapsing,
and you lot are planning a wedding?
Yeah, and, uh, the thing is, um,
space is limited.

So it's kind of a per-plate
situation, so, you know.

Is this how I raised you?
To fiddle while Rome burns?
Remember what we talked about, Reg.

- Remember to breathe.

- Quiet, I'm on a roll.

- Dad, have you been taking your pills?
- As a matter of fact, I haven't.

And I can confirm that I've
never felt better in my life.

You thought you could dope
me up and slow me down,
take control of my affairs
and squander my fortune.

Well, Klaus here was good enough
to wean me off that wretched poison.

And now that the fog is lifting,
I can see all your dastardly
designs with a bracing clarity.

You took him off his meds?
What were you thinking?
He's the only one doing any thinking.

All of you could learn a thing or
two from this impressive young man.

[SNICKERS.]

The world really is ending! Oh my God.

As for the rest of you, your
training is to resume post-haste.

We're running out of time.

We have a mission to complete.

I'm ready.
Let's do this.

[FIVE.]
Let me guess.

Project Oblivion?
How do you know about that?
I heard all about it from Pogo.

Now, there's a name I
haven't heard in some time.

And he confirmed what I've
always suspected about you.

- Which is?
- That you're a sadistic lunatic
who's planning on
gambling all of our lives
in another pointless mission.

And you'd take the word
of a disgruntled chimp
over that of your own father?
Every damn day.

Nobody wants you here, Dad.

You should leave.

Hey, you don't speak
for all of us, big guy.

Feel free to join him.

I see.
So this is what it's come to.

- Insurrection.

- [SHUSHES.]

That's not the kind of erection
we're driving for here, all right?
Everybody just needs to be cool.

Clearly, you guys are on a
different chakra frequency right now.

Hey, Pops, let's go have a
nice cup of tea in the suite.

- Let go of my arm.

- Luther, Sloane.

Oh my God.
I'm beyond thrilled.

You guys are gorgeous.

Amazing.
Send me your registry!
[LUTHER.]
Hey, Viktor.

Um, I got a question.

Well, really, it's
more of a request, um
It's totally last minute, and
The whole thing is last minute, but I
What is it?
Will you be my best man?
You don't have to do much.

You just have to stand next to me
and make sure I don't act like an idiot.

You know.
[CHUCKLES.]

I would love to.

Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
Great.

Um, okay, so we're on a tight schedule.

The bachelor party is in 15 minutes,
and not everyone is invited
- [BEN.]
What was that?
- So
Nothing, man.
[CHUCKLES.]

Nothing.

Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]

[VIKTOR SIGHS.]

[LILA.]
Are you still
playing hard to get?
Quiet.

- I'm brainstorming.

- Smells like it.
Crack a window.

Look, I just got a lot of
things to think through.

- Think what through?
- The end of everything.

Mmm.
Okay.

Well, while we're all waiting
for the big breakthrough,
the boys are waiting
downstairs before the wedding.

- I'm not going to that wedding.

- Like hell you're not.

You're my plus-one.
Get dressed!
I'm not going to no stupid
wedding at the end of the world
when I'm supposed to
be saving it, all right?
Our best bet was a human Rubik's Cube,
and he went kablooey.

What do you suggest?
Gotta be somebody's ass we
can kick.
What are you doing?
- You're going to the wedding.

- We got a kid to take care of.

You think I don't know that? I'm
the one incubating that brat
Then I don't get why you're
not fighting harder for this.

Not all fights are worth fighting for.

Odds are, we don't survive this one.

I'll take those odds if it means
I get to spend it with you and the baby.

What happened to Mr.
Lone
Wolf doesn't need anybody?
He met a crazy lady.

Changed his mind.

I love you, Diego,
but I'm not gonna go
on some doomed mission
with your shaggy brother
and senile father.

- You have to listen
- No.

You can spend tonight
fighting your bloody apocalypse
or being with me.

[SOFTLY.]
Don't do that.

You can't have both.

Lila.

I choose you.

It seems I've miscalculated
just how much these
children truly dislike me.

Oh, yeah, loathe you, despise you.

I mean, truly, deeply repelled by you.

That'll do.

Listen, Dad, these are sensitive
souls we're dealing with here,
and they're already broken
and they don't need you
to berate them any further.

But they'll never
improve their capabilities
if they don't have
an acute understanding
of how incredibly incompetent
and deeply disappointing they are.

There's such a thing as
- Dad, can I talk to you?
- Now's not a good time.

- It will only take a minute
- Not now! You were saying?
There's such a thing as
catching more flies with honey.

You see what I'm saying? We're
trying to make friends here.

Why should I want to
befriend my own children?
That's for hippies and
people with low self-esteem.

All I'm saying is,
why don't we try a little small talk
before we go, you know, full Stalin?
"Hey! How are you?"
"Oh my God, I love that
necktie pin waistcoat combo.
"
"Where'd you get that?"
"Can you believe this
apocalyptic weather we're having?"
That type of thing.

Come on.
Come over here.

Sit down.
Have a drink.

I want you
to say something nice to me.

I dare you.

Go for it.

You have a well-proportioned forehead,
which tells me you're
considerate yet easily excitable.

Great! Great!
Yeah, it could use some
work, but, hey, you know.

Point is, they don't
know you like I know you.

They just need a little time to
warm up to this version of you.

Unfortunately, time is something
of which we have very little.

Good thing we got a wedding
to crash tonight, baby.

We do? Why? No one wants me there.

Oh, come on.
They want
you to earn being there.

Be a dad, not a boss.
Dad, not a boss.

Trust me, you showing support
for Luther is gonna go a long way.

[SIGHS.]

[KARAOKE VERSION OF "TOTAL
ECLIPSE OF THE HEART" PLAYING.]

Get it, Luther!
Every now and then I fall apart ♪
Every now and then I fall apart ♪
And I need you now tonight ♪
I fuckin' need you more than ever ♪
Doesn't he have the voice of an angel?
- Yeah, baby, hit those high notes.

- Woo!
- We'll be holding on forever ♪
- Sing it, baby.

Can't believe Luther's the first
one of us that gets hitched.

I can.
I caught him marrying my
action figures in, like, third grade.

Did not.

This isn't how I pictured our
bachelors' party, you know?
Well, the world's running
a little short on strippers
and tea cakes right now.

Just surprised you didn't invite
Daddy Dearest to come join us.

Oh, come on.
He's such a
kind and thoughtful soul.

He's not like our
Hargreeves.
Au contraire.

But I'll admit I needed
a break from the old dog.

Nothing I can say ♪
Total eclipse of the heart ♪
- Oh
- [VIKTOR.]
Woo!
What're you SOBs so down in the
mouth about? This is a party.

I'm just so glad we got to go out
with a big ol' bang while we still can.

Hey, here's to us.

[LUTHER.]
Mm.

We've had a hell of a run.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

[LUTHER.]
Who's next?
Oh.
That'd be me 'cause I have
finally come to a decision.

What's it gonna be, maestro?
- It's gonna be a duet, my friend.

- [LUTHER.]
Oh!
Yay!
I feel so special!
Oh! This is gonna be good.

No karaoke is good.
That's the point.

Now, I've had the time of my life ♪
No, I never felt this way before ♪
Woo!
- Yes, I swear
- All right!
It's the truth ♪
I'm gonna miss this.

And I owe it all to you ♪
Not me.
These guys are the worst.

- Had the time of my life ♪
- [LUTHER.]
That's not what I meant.

I know.

And I owe it all to you ♪
I'm gonna miss them too.

- [INSTRUMENTAL BREAK PLAYS.]

- [KLAUS.]
Oh!
Gettin' funky in here!
Hey, will you do me one more favor?
Yeah, anything.

Talk to Allison.

- No.
Come on.
I can't
- Viktor, please.

And And say what? "Why
did you kill my friend"?
You really wanna compare body counts?
I just I don't want her to be
alone when all this ends, you know?
I mean, Five said it.

If there's anything on
your bucket list, do it now.

Why does it have to be on my list?
Because she's always been good to you.

Better than the rest of us.

[FIVE AND KLAUS.]
'Cause we
seem to understand the urgency ♪
Just remember ♪
- [FIVE.]
Luther!
- Oh!
- Come on.
Come on.

- [LAUGHS.]

[FIVE.]
Viktor.
Viktor,
don't be shy.
Diego, you too.

[VIKTOR.]
You don't want this.

Okay, screw it.

- Get in here, Diego!
- Come on! Come on! Look lively!
This could be love ♪
Because ♪
I've had ♪
The time of my life ♪
No, I never felt this way before ♪
Yes, I swear ♪
- Yes, I swear ♪
- It's the truth ♪
And I owe it all to you ♪
'Cause I've had ♪
The time of my life ♪
And I've searched
through every open door ♪
Till I found the truth ♪
[SONG FADES OUT.]

[BEN.]
So it's official.

My ears are broken,
and the idiot with
knives really can't sing.

Diego.
You know his name is Diego.

Oh, whatever.

Maybe you should try and be
nice to him and the others.

And why would I do that?
As much as I'd love to work
out your anger issues right now,
I have to get back to this.

The wedding is in an hour.

Fei is dead.

Yeah.
I know.
And so are the others.

Oh, so that's it?
You're just gonna turn your
back on the Sparrow Academy?
I mean, you heard Dad.

We have training to do.

Something big is about to go down.

I wish you were talking
about my wedding.

[SHARP INHALE.]

Okay.

Sloane, listen to me
No.
You listen to me.

I'm sorry they didn't invite
you to the bachelor party.

I don't I don't care about that.

Yes, you do.

You care more about being
invited to the bachelor party
than you do Fei or the others.

Or even saving the world.

That
[CHUCKLES.]

That's That's crazy.

Is it?
You and I, we've never been alone.

It's always been the seven of us.

Now it's just you.

[BEN SCOFFS.]

So congratulations, Ben.

You're finally Number One
of one.

[EMOTIONAL STRING MUSIC PLAYING.]

I'm a Sparrow, and so are you.

Not anymore.

What's so damn special
about them anyway?
They're a real family.

They don't exist to sell
action figures and tote bags.

We were more than that.

Were we?
Why is it so important
for you to be a Sparrow?
[QUIETLY.]
Because I have nothing else.

[BELL DINGS.]

[KLAUS.]
Not sure this place
is gonna be big enough.

This better be an open bar.

Hey, come on.
It's for
Luther.
Let's perk up.

Wow.

[CHUCKLES.]

- [BELL DINGS.]

- [ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS.]

I don't know.
Normally,
my tush looks good.

Ah, I see you've gone for the
oversized button-down.
Original.

You do realize there's
no paparazzi here, right?
- What? Dang it.

- [LUTHER SHUSHES.]

Listen to me, you two.

This is my day, all right?
So if you two can just get
along for a couple of hours,
you can consider that my wedding gift.

Well, he started it, so
- You literally just started it.

- Literally?
[LUTHER.]
Bah, bah, bah!
My day!
Two hours.
Do you think
you can manage that?
Yeah, fine.

- Thank you.

- [BELL DINGS.]

[LILA GASPS.]

[LILA.]
Wow.

[EMOTIONAL STRING MUSIC PLAYING.]

Let's get this over with
before I die of cringe.

[KLAUS.]
Dearly beloved,
we're gathered here today for
a good time, not a long time,
so let's have a good time, huh?
'Cause the sun can't shine every day.

Can I get an amen?
- Amen!
- Amen!
- [CHEERING.]

- Amen.

Luther, do you be taking this
banging hottie to be your lady?
I do.

[KLAUS SIGHS.]

Sloane, do you promise
to love and cherish
this big hairy bastard
for the next 24 to 48 hours?
Give or take a day.

[SHUSHES.]

I'm gonna try.

Well, then
I'm sorry.

I pronounce you married as shit!
Viva la apocalypse!
- [CHEERING.]

- ["TEENAGE DREAM" BY THE RESCUES PLAYS.]

[DIEGO SQUEALS AND YELLS.]

I can't sleep ♪
Let's run away and
don't ever look back ♪
Don't ever look back ♪
We drove to Cali ♪
And got drunk on the beach ♪
Got a motel and built
a fort out of sheets ♪
I finally found you ♪
My missing puzzle piece ♪
I'm complete ♪
Let's go all ♪
The way tonight ♪
No regrets ♪
Just love ♪
We can dance ♪
This is officially worse
than the apocalypse.

[FIVE.]
Ah, there we are.

You make me ♪
Feel like I'm livin' a ♪
Teenage dream ♪
The way you turn me on ♪
I can't sleep ♪
Let's run away and
don't ever look back ♪
Don't ever look back ♪
My heart stops ♪
When you look at me ♪
Just one touch ♪
Now, baby, I believe ♪
This is real ♪
So take a chance and
don't ever look back ♪
Don't ever look back ♪
You make me ♪
Feel like I'm livin' a ♪
Teenage dream ♪
The way you turn me on ♪
I can't sleep ♪
Let's run away and
don't ever look back ♪
It's five dollars for a four-by-five.

Eight if you want two of them.

[BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING.]

- [LUTHER.]
You see that spread?
- I'm impressed.

I made the whole cake.

[WITH MOUTH FULL.]
Three tiers.

Yeah.
Have you tried this lamb?
- No.

- It's so good.

- Is it?
- Yeah.

Mm.

Let me try yours, but with the sauce.

- My lamb?
- Yeah.
Let me try your lamb.

- Cinco! Mi hermano.

- Oh God.

What do you want?
Listen to me, Dad is upstairs right
now with a plan to save everything.

So what say you and I pop up to
the suite for a little chitchat?
Are you like Frick and
Frack with the old man now?
This dad's different.
He's a turtle.

Hard on the outside,
but all cute and wrinkly
and occasionally
delicious on the inside.

- Klaus?
- Yeah?
Old dogs like me and him never change.

He has never had our
best interests at heart.

So, my only plan for tonight
is to get fucked up
beyond all recognition.

Sure.

- Have at it.

- I shall!
Hmm.

[MURMURS.]

Klaus, don't even think
about going over there
and filling his empty
head with bad ideas.

Moi? How dare
You may be unkillable,
but I'll find a way
to make sure that your
time on this earthly plane
is chock-full of pain and suffering.

Got it?
Yeah.
Sure.

Great.
Big smile.

- [KLAUS GRUNTS.]

- [GRUNTS.]

Bye.

[GROANS.]

Ow!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]

[LUTHER.]
I got lamb.

[BEN.]
How long before we can leave?
After the speeches.

I don't think I can last that long.

Oh, also, have you seen Dad?
[ALLISON.]
Have a drink, Ben.

Relax.

- For once in your pathetic life.

- [CHUCKLES.]

- Mazel tov to the Mr.
and Mrs.

- Hey, brother.

- Cheers.

- Now, about Dad.

- No, no, no, no.

- [KLAUS.]
No.

- The answer's no, Klaus.

- Baby, he's a changed man.

- No, the man is incapable of change.

- Lulu, he's different.

He helped me conquer my childhood fears.

- Mm-hmm?
- We played catch together.

Wait.
You played catch with Dad?
Yeah, we call it bus-ball,
but that's kind of our thing.

I mean, you could find
your own thing with him.

[GROANS.]
Would you stop?
Listen, you're being duped.

- No, I'm not being duped.

- No, you are, you are.

- In fact, worse.

- Come on!
You're being enabled by your own father.

Yeah, but I really think if you
just give him a little chance
Klaus!
[SOFTLY.]
Babe, it's fine.

- [SLOANE.]
It's our wedding.

- [KLAUS WHIMPERS.]

You're right.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

- Yeah.

- I'm sorry.

- [LEATHER CRINKLES.]

- [KLAUS GROANS.]

Okay, that's good.

Listen, I'm just trying
to enjoy my wedding, okay?
- And you should too.

- Okay.

- Go have some salmon and a Jell-O cup.

- That sounds nice.

- All right?
- All right.
Well, screw it, I tried.

[LUTHER.]
Mm.

Did Yeah, okay, this is my lamb.

- That's your lamb.

- [BELL DINGS.]

[DIEGO.]
I don't think
he actually hates it.

We should do that later.

Oh.

[SOMBER STRING MUSIC PLAYING.]

[LUTHER.]
What the hell is he doing here?
[SLOANE WHISPERS.]
Hey.

It's okay.

[WHISPERS.]
It's not okay.

Let's just try and be civil.

For me?
- Okay.

- [BIG BAND MUSIC RESUMES.]

[SLOANE.]
Okay.

[DIEGO.]
He better not sit here.

- Swear to God, he better not sit here.

- [BEN.]
What is he doing here?
[DIEGO.]
Yeah, keep walking.

- [BEN.]
But who invited him?
- [ALLISON.]
Just suffer with us.

[BEN.]
I can't get invited to a
party, and he's invited to this?
- [ALLISON.]
Wow.
You really can't relax.

- Now we're all here.

[ALLISON.]
Ben?
Chill.

I want to say to you ♪
That maybe our dreams come true ♪
- We could be falling in love ♪
- [KLAUS.]
Psst.

Some know you look lonely ♪
Some say you just need a friend ♪
I want to say to you ♪
That maybe our dreams come true ♪
We could be falling in love ♪
You and me are like
birds in a tree ♪
Is he eating a deviled
egg with a knife and fork?
That's sad.
That's making me sad.

You're introducing me.

- Now.
Come.

- No, I'm not.
No, I'm not
[KLAUS.]
Go, go!
- Do you seriously want me
- Yeah, come on.
Do I look okay?
[DIEGO.]
Yeah, you look good.

Dad,
Lila.

Lila, Sir Reginald Hargreeves.

Mr.
Hargreeves, what a pleasure.

Is that the trace of an
East End accent I detect?
Good ear.

Mine was stamped out
in favor of the Queen's.

Let me guess.
Spitalfields?
- Close.
Whitechapel.

- You must know the Cat and Custard.

- Next to the Fox and Hound.

- Best chippy in East London.

I would murder for a spot of
mushy peas right about now.

- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]

- So, how did you end up with this one?
Well, we met in a mental hospital.

I have no doubt.

Well, he might be a few sandwiches
short of a picnic, but he'll do.

Indeed.

[REGINALD.]
She's quite the specimen.

Well done, my boy.

Thanks, Dad.

It is unfortunate timing.

Why?
You'd have made a superb father.

[EMOTIONAL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING.]

Hey, Ben-ihana.
Don't hit me! [CHUCKLES.]

Hey, listen.

I know we ain't exactly been best
buds in this timeline or whatever,
but, man, do I have a mission for you
[BELCHES.]

Ugh.

Charming.

- Ten people.

- Huh?
- There are only ten people left.

- Okay.

Drunk Ben clearly likes
numbers and shrimp.

And you couldn't even invite me
to your stupid bachelor party.

Oh.

Have we finally flicked off
bad Benny's hard candy shell?
Why don't you like me?
Because you're a huge puckering asshole.

- Okay, but you like the other Ben.

- Yeah, we love the other Ben.

Why? What was so special about him?
Because he was a know-it-all.

He was a scold.

He was a tiny dark cloud
on a perfect sunny day.

[LAUGHS.]

Those Those are all bad things.

Yeah, but they looked great on him.

Okay, you know what? I am so
much better than that other Ben.

- Mm-hmm?
- I was Number One.

Twice.

Does Dad give a shit?
No.
He was busy hanging out with you.

Oh, man, methinks you might
be trying a little too hard.

Look around.

Nobody's polishing their
boots or pressing their tights.

We're a complete and
total shit show.
Ya get it?
And our Ben, my Ben,
was just that kinda disaster,
and it made him
ridiculously easy to love.

[SIGHS.]

[DEPARTING FOOTSTEPS.]

[CLINKING.]

- [TAPS ON MIC.]

- [FEEDBACK WHINES.]

- [REGINALD.]
I know it is customary
- [VIKTOR.]
Hey.

for the father of the bride
- I'm not in the mood.

- Allison
No, I get it.
It's a wedding.

Everybody's drunk, and we're
all supposed to be chummy.

- [REGINALD'S SPEECH CONTINUES.]

- But I'm not feeling it.

That's fine.
You don't have
to be in a festive mood.

But will you please just hear me out?
- [FEEDBACK WHINES.]

- [CLEARS THROAT.]

Sloane, ever since
you were a little girl,
I've always known you
were exceptionally bright.

And though I can't say I
know Luther all that well,
from the few moments we have shared,
it seems you found yourself
an adequate partner.

He just called Luther
adequate.
[SNICKERS.]

Nicest thing he's ever said to him.

- The kerchief really softens him though.

- Shh!
I acknowledge that, as a father,
I was not without my faults.

I hope these shortcomings
will be seen as only a rough
patch on an otherwise verdant lawn.

[VIKTOR.]
Look, I'm sorry.

I was wrong.

I lied, and
I betrayed your trust.

[REGINALD'S SPEECH CONTINUES FAINTLY.]

But you're
more important to me than
anything in this entire world.

Will you forgive me?
No.

I don't think I will.

I'm proud to call you my children.

Even those whom I raised in
a revenant version of myself.

I hope that tonight we can
create a few special memories
in whatever precious
little time we have left.

If you won't forgive me,
just know I forgive you.

For what?
[REGINALD.]
And now, in closing
I didn't do anything wrong.

You know, I'm
really tired of being the asshole
that has to meet you halfway.

- I am tired of being a sucker.

- You're the sucker?
Our whole lives, all you said you
ever wanted was for us to be close,
and we finally got there,
and you fucked it up.

Not me.

Is this really how you wanna end things?
Don't worry.
I'll sleep fine tonight.

[REGINALD.]
The sun rises
over a lily's field.

A mother veiled, her lips concealed.

The mourners come in droves of black
to bury what their hearts unpack.

[BELL DINGS.]

[REGINALD.]
With shallow
breath and time eclipsed,
I pray you miss death's gentle kiss.

[EMOTIONAL MUSIC SWELLS.]

[BEN.]
That makes no sense.

Beautiful! Bravo, Dad! Bravo!
[APPLAUSE CONTINUES.]

I didn't think the
old man had it in him.

[CHET.]
All right, all right.

Time to turn those frowns upside down!
This one is for all the
party people in the place.

[EMOTIONAL MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING.]

["COME IN MR.
LONELY"
BY JERRY DYKE PLAYING.]

[FEEDBACK WHINES.]

[SINGING ALONG.]
Come on in ♪
Sit right down ♪
Mr.
Lonely ♪
[SLOANE MOANS SOFTLY.]

You're too late ♪
- So, just to recap this night.

- Mm-hmm?
Ben and Five are blotto drunk.

[LUTHER CHUCKLES HEARTILY.]

[FIVE.]
Mr.
Sadness ♪
And Viktor and Allison
almost punched each other out.

- Oh.
Yeah.

- Yeah.

And Dad recited a
weirdly moving death poem.

Hm.

You know, that's not bad
for a Hargreeves family
wedding at the end of the world.

You know, I didn't need a big to-do.

This is all I needed.

[FIVE.]
I can't even
offer you a smile ♪
That used to be us.

We were never like that.

Gross.

That's more like it.

Who planned things this way? ♪
No offense ♪
But you know ♪
I'm still looking ♪
[WIND WHISTLING.]

[LILA.]
It's probably a good thing.

I would've been a shit mum.

I doubt that.

Hey, guys.

Hey, uh
I saw.

And I I appreciate you trying.

Oh, no, no, no, no!
- Hey, what?
- [DIEGO.]
No!
- Klaus, why are you bringing Ben here?
- Come on!
- Hear me out before
- Hear him out.

The brother that you all knew as Ben
is gone.

And not I don't mean
our Ben, the nice Ben.

I mean this Ben.

The asshole, he's gone now.

- Gone.

- Klaus, what are you talking about?
And the man that stands in front
of you is new new Ben,
and he's one of us, and
he's a member of the team.

- And he's part of the family!
- part of the family!
And as a welcome gift, I suggest
we throw him off the roof.

- Yeah.
I'll help.

- Come on.

You know what? You know what?
- He can stay.
He can stay.

- Why?
'Cause it's my wedding day,
man.
Come on.
He can stay.

[BEN AND KLAUS.]
Yes!
[KLAUS.]
I knew it, I knew it.

Hey, big guy.
Awfully nice of you.

Yeah, you're you're welcome.

Ooh! Whoa!
Holy smokes.

[PENSIVE STRING MUSIC PLAYING.]

Hey, you know something?
Tonight is all I ever really wanted.

To get hitched?
Just everybody coming
together when it really matters.

One big real family.

[COUGHS, RETCHES.]

[ALL.]
Whoa! Whoa!
Oh, I think I'm gonna
hurl.
[STOMACH RUMBLES.]

[ALL LAUGHING.]

[FIVE.]
Actually, uh,
I think I'm hungry.

See ya, guys.
I'm gonna hit the buffet.

Is he gonna be okay?
- It's Five.
What do you think?
- Maybe we should call it a night.

- Come on, it's early.

- [LILA.]
Good night, guys.

- Where we going? To bed?
- The night's young.

Who is this guy?
[KLAUS.]
Ben.

- [LUTHER CHUCKLES.]

- Where's he going? Where's he going?
This isn't the end.

- [SIGHS.]

- [KLAUS.]
Come on, who's up for some more
- [BEN.]
Scrabble?
- [KLAUS.]
karaoke.
Yeah!
That's my cue.

[CHUCKLES.]

- Good night.

- Night.

[LUTHER SIGHS.]

[DISTANT EXPLOSIONS BOOMING.]

[DRAMATIC STRING MUSIC PLAYING.]

[STOMACH GURGLING.]

[CLANGING.]

[VOMITING.]

[REGINALD.]
With
everything we've discussed,
it'd be folly to wait.

There is no time.

I can't do this without you.

[HEARTBEAT THUMPING.]

Do we have a deal?
[HEARTBEAT THUMPING RAPIDLY.]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC SWELLING.]

- [BELL DINGS.]

- [ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS.]

[THUDS.]

[ROCK VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING.]

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