The War Next-Door (2021) s01e07 Episode Script


Pay attention
to your lover's backside as it rises up

and as it goes down,
sensually, with their breathing.

You know, my backside
was famous when I was in jail?
I know exactly
what feelings it can provoke.

- Ew! It does nothing for me.

- Mm.
Tantra yoga helps us improve our sex life
when we are in direct contact
with the body of our partner.

[Genaro moaning.]

Cut it out, babe!
Very good! Wonderful! What a lion he is!
- Keep it coming.
Come on!
- [yoga teacher.]
Very good!
- You're doing it wrong.
Pay attention!
- [both grunt.]


[yoga teacher.]
All right.
All right.

I think we'll stop here.

I don't want any accidents.

And to everybody, namaste.

- [sighs deeply.]

- Master.

I'd like to give thanks to one person
who exudes sexuality.

Let's say
he's the Penis Master, a natural.

- Oh man, she must've saw me.

- Genaro.

I'd like to ask you to share your light
with the followers of my blog.

- And make a video.

- [chuckles.]

Mm! Bravo!
Wow, she picked them.

- Good, Leo, dear.

- Yes?
- The video is of him alone.

- Hmm.

Let's say some partners
need to work on being partners.


[yoga teacher.]
Tantra yoga
will help you in particular
the Espinozas.

During the class, the two of you showed
a total lack of sexual connection.

[Leonor laughs.]

- Read this.

- Thank you.

We all know
that if the Lopezes are good at fucking,
it's because it's cheaper than Netflix.

Hold on a minute! I do have Netflix,
and you two,
instead of solving your little issue,
are always watching what we're doing.

That's why you're frigid.

Please stop, girls.

Remember that all of us can improve.

Or tell me honestly.

Who here can tell me
they have a perfect sex life.


- [Genaro.]
Want a lesson?
- [Leonor.]
Or are you going to miss out on sleeping
with the best lover in the world,
also known as me?
I'm exhausted
from standing on my toes for so long.

It hurts.
[inhales, groans.]

But, babe

You know what, hon?
Let's do it!
Open up your chakras because here I come!
- [squeals.]

- Yes!
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
That's right, my Penis Master!
Get ready for me.
I want you!
- [moaning.]

- Oh, that's so good!
- You Penis Master!
- Yes! [moaning.]

- [Leonor.]
Don't stop!
- [Ernesto snoring.]

- [Leonor.]
Yes! Yes! Don't stop!
- [Genaro moaning.]

- [snoring.]

- [Leonor.]
Yes, yes, Penis Master!
Don't stop! Yes!
[knocking at door.]

I have a new idea.

After witnessing
the tantra teacher's success,
I remembered that sex sells a lot.

What do you say?
No, no, no, no.

Listen, when I was in jail,
I learned pleasure and business don't mix.

Okay, but my dad isn't investing a penny.

It's all what I saved on my own.

From the allowances Daddy gave you?
- [chuckles.]
- Uncle, get dressed! Come on.

Ooh, calm down.

At least I'm wearing something.

Uh, whatever.

Any self-respecting CEO
risks their own money,
like Mark Zuckerberg.

Okay, this is a sex toy service,
like Rappi, but on WhatsApp.
Imagine it!

- Ah, Mark Zuckerberg's the Facebook guy.

- Uncle!
- What?
- Pff!
Oh, come on!
How am I the unreasonable one?
You're about to have a quickie
and don't have condoms?
We'll deliver them.

You're about to have a quickie,
but don't have Viagra?
We'll buy you it.

You're about to have some gay sex
and don't have any poppers?
We are there for you.

Diego even composed a jingle.

Rappi-din! ♪

Look, I have something you can sell
second-hand in your business.

Hey, check it out.
- There.

- [Tere.]
Uncle, no way!
What are you thinking?
Nobody buys that used.

So should I not be with a divorced woman
because she's used?
You're so missing the point.

- That's why you don't have a girlfriend.

- You learn about love when you're in jail.

Nobody should have that at all, hmm?
- You're going to Hell.

- Ah! [clicks tongue.]

Hey, doesn't she look a bit like Crista?
- What? No! Don't listen to her, babe.

- No! No way, she doesn't.

- [doll.]
You are awesome, baby.

- Hey!
Wow! She even talks to you?
I won't sell her, then.

You can have her, yeah?
- Just be sure to bleach her down first.

- What for?
A careful uncle is better
than a lousy friend.

- [snaps fingers.]

- Okay?
- Is that a saying?
- [inhales, grunts.]

[Silvia moans, groans.]

So disgusting.

Are you sure
potatoes get rid of eye circles?
That's what we do at our house.

That's true.

Brown people don't have circles
under their eyes.

- Uh, hold on! What's wrong with you?
- Hmm?
I couldn't sleep last night
with all the groaning coming from
the ghetto masters' house next door,
and you were fast asleep.

We didn't practice
the position I read about.

Oh, no, I don't think
I can carry you like that.

- Am I too heavy?
- I never said that.

I'm not going to allow
those trashy masters to beat us.

Look, you have to be the Penis Master.

Don't fret, girls.

The first time is never easy.

Don't stress.

Pleasure is like an explosion
that takes over your whole body.

Let us begin.
[moans loudly.]

Women [inhales sharply.]

are like a beautiful plant.

If you give them your fertilizer
[inhales deeply.]

they bloom.

- Dad, should I be listening to this?
- Cover your ears, dear.

It's 'cause Pablito refused to help,
and I don't know how to use the Internet.

you're the smartest one in the family.

You'll be a badass when you're older.

Go ahead.
Post it.

[phone clicks, chimes repeatedly.]

- Oh shit! What's it doing?
- You got some comments.

Ah! Read them to me.

From @titillo.
"What food turns women on?"
From @anonymous.

"I dream of penises.
Am I gay"
From @malestud.

"My wife pressures me
because I can't perform.
Is he in a musical?
You see
I'll explain it later, dear.

This is so sad.
 I must help
all the poor men on this planet.

Dear, let's make another one.

My dearest Titillo,
a really sexy food is potato pancakes.

And you, malestud, don't feel pressured.

If you really can't do it,
save your honor and run.

Follow me for more advice @penismaster.

What is all this garbage?
You've crossed a line, Leo.

I heard your hollering last night.
What example
are you setting for the girls?
Lovemaking should be done in silence.

- That's what pillows are for.

- [Leonor inhales, groans.]

The nuns taught us right.

A lot of women believe
that pleasure is sinful.

- All pleasure is sinful.

- Hmm?
Except my potato pancakes.

- [Tere chuckles.]

- No, it's not, Mamá.
Come on.

Haven't you ever felt an orgasm, hmm?
Like tingling in your little pancake.

- Heavenly Mary, free us from sin.

- [Leonor laughing.]

Okay, now, show me one of your damn toys.

This is the "Mm, Ah, Maxi Sensations.
It has ten speeds
and three different kinds of vibration.


- And you can put it in
- Oh.

in water.

Oh, that's good.

- And to give your business my blessing.

- Yes.

- For good luck.

- Uh-huh.

And I'll buy a devil costume too.

- There, yes, then.

- Hey, how about some body gloss?
- For what?
- To glow.

Take it down a notch, Tere.

Come on,
I'm not a UFO glowing at night.

You won't regret your purchase.

we don't accept returns or exchanges.

Enjoy your new toy.

Georgie, did you buy that?
No! What's it for?
- It's your order, Yolis.

- Obviously, I didn't buy that! [scoffs.]

And please get out of my house.

You! Get in here!
- [exhales.]

- [groans.]

- [Diego clears throat.]

- [door shuts.]

- [sighs.]

- Um
Ah, there are always ups and downs.

Maybe they were offended by your shorts.

- I'm making deliveries on my bike.

- [chuckles.]

You think it's the packaging?
I can see why somebody might get obsessed.

I mean, offended.

With With your package.

- [Diego clears throat.]

- [laughs.]

- [doll sensually.]
Give it to me, baby.

- [chuckles.]

Sure, Krstl.

You know, all the people love you.

[Krstl sensually.]

You are so big and handsome.



And to end this interview,
mm, tell me, why Mexico?
Please, uh, tell us.

[Krstl sensually.]

Yeah, baby.
Give it to me hard.

What are you doing?
Why are you interviewing a sex doll?
This is why.

In 12 hours, I got 100 followers.

In one month, oh shit!
I'll be the king of North Korea.

They get aroused
with the strangest things in China.

There are these sex comics called
Hen Tied?
Pablo, not all Asian people are Chinese.

And the comments I read
were from South Korea.

As far as I know,
the Japanese created Hentai.

[Pablo sighs.]

[phone chimes.]

Please remove those videos!
- [Jani.]
Hey, it's from the neighbor.

- Hold on.
Let me finish editing this.

- [breathing heavily.]

- [Silvia.]
Don't you notice anything?
I've been waiting for you forever.

Everything hurts.

Everything, even my pride is hurting.

I bought this tantric chair to practice
the Shiva goddess pose, and you vanish.

I hurt my right knee with my backhand.


- Yeah?
- Uh-huh.

That's not important.

[gasps, grunts.]

I have something for you,
a massage
that will relax you and feel good.

Ah! Ooh, ooh!
I thought it was your right knee?
I can't believe this.

- This is low.

- Don't be like that!
I don't like doing it during the day.

Okay, good.
I'm sick of all this tantra.


Remember that night on our honeymoon?
In the pool?
Ah, yes.
Yes, I do.

How could I forget that time together?
- [giggles.]

- It was legendary!
Let's repeat that.

Later tonight,
me and you will have a date.


These people!
I knew we should charge for cancellations.

The problem is
you can see the product through the bags.

Rich people get too embarrassed.

Being shamed makes you a bad lover.

How do you know that?
How many rich men have you been with?
[Tere chuckles.]

I can't tell you,
because next, you'll ask me
what I did with each one.

And what's the problem?
I'd be crossing the boundaries
of our work relationship.

But believe me, I know it's true.

[yoga teacher.]

- Exhale.

- [exhales.]

- [inhales.]

- [yoga teacher.]
Very good.

I usually recommend
to ask for permission before entering.

And we say, "May I come in?"
May I come in?

And it feels like we have permission.

Don't forget to inhale and experience
the universe of possibilities that awaits.


- [sex toy vibrating.]

- Pleasure is like an explosion
Oh [groans.]

Ah Oh
[Leonor screams.]

How did you get in?
Hey, dude, in fancy communities
nobody locks their door.

We're not animals.

Why did you leave me on red?
Now everyone at school thinks
we're dating thanks to your videos.

They nicknamed me
"Banging Cris", for banging.

Get it?
They're saying I look like the doll.

I thought Mariana was your bestie,
but she gave you the nickname?
I don't know why
you call them your friends, Crista.

Besides, I'm gonna keep posting
because in one of the two Koreas,
I have thousands of followers.

I don't care about your so-called friend
just like she doesn't care about you.




- [Leonor.]
Ready or not
- [Genaro.]

Ah, gosh! Damn! My lioness! How sexy!
Let's get down to business.

- Come here, darling.

- [moaning.]

- [Genaro.]
This is it.

- [sensual music playing.]

- Hold on.

- What?
- I'll be on top.

- Okay.
That's it.

- [grunting.]

- [Leonor.]
There we go.

- [Genaro.]
Come on.

- Ready?
- Grab on to my ass, babe.

- Yes, yes.

- [Leonor vigorously.]
Grab it, honey!
- Yeah.


[music fades, stops.]

- What's wrong?
- I've just never been with a woman-devil.

- [chuckles.]

- [exhales.]

That's all right.

I have something we can play with.


Wh Wh Wh Wh
What are you doing, Leo?
- I'm not into that.

- [laughs.]
I know that.
It's not for you.

Sure, it's my fault
for giving you so much pleasure.

Now, one isn't enough.
You need two.

Stop it! Enough of that.

[sex toy clatters.]

I just wanted
to try something new, and, obviously,
it's too much
for the Penis Martyr, or whatever you are.

[inhales, grunts.]

- Penis Master.

- [door shuts.]

- We should've done this way before this!
- Yes!
That tantra rubbish got me all cloudy.

Best part is
we're not getting our house dirty.

You can get me dirty anytime, honey!
- [Ernesto chuckling.]

- [gasps, exhales.]

- Are you ready?
- Okay.

- Shh-shh-shh!
- [moaning loudly.]

- [Silvia moaning.]

- [Ernesto.]
Shh! Shh!
- [giggles.]
Come here.

- [chuckles.]
- Mm
- [moans.]

[moaning loudly.]

- [loudly.]
Oh! Oh, honey! Oh, Ernesto!
- Hmm?
[Silvia moaning.]

- [Silvia.]
I love it!
- [Ernesto.]
We haven't started
- The hell!
- [Silvia.]
Oh, Ernesto, give it to me!
- [water splashing.]

- [chuckles fiendishly.]

- [moaning.]

- [Ernesto.]
I haven't even started yet.

- [Ernesto.]

- Hello.

- [gasps.]

- Hmm?
I thought you people
didn't wear underwear in pools.


- Uh, darling, should we get going?
- Mm.

Yes, please go.

Take the noise inside your own house!
- What the Uh
- [gasps.]

Look who's talking.

The nymphomaniac who caused a racket.

But I don't dirty
other people's pools to get pleasure.

How can you get pleasure
from that monkey husband of yours?
At least my monkey can get it up.

Looks like yours lost his banana.

- [gasps, grunts.]

- With all due respect.

Coming, ma'am! I'm coming, ma'am!
Where are the people making a scene?
- Here, engaged in immoral acts.

- No, we aren't.
No, no, no!
- Everything's good.

- [indistinct chattering.]

- [guard.]
We're handling it.

- Mom!
No, everything's good.

- [guard.]
We'll get them out.

- This is a private pool.

[indistinct chattering.]

I left Krstl here.

I don't know where she went.

- [phone chimes.]

- [Tomás.]
Hmm, what happened?
- No!
- What? [inhales sharply.]


Son of a bitch!
- That damn rich girl! Rich girl?
- Mm-hmm.

That damn snobby brat
isn't gonna destroy my doll.

Mm-mm! No, Uncle.

We'll go and rescue Krstl.

Trust me.

- [jingle music plays on phone.]

- Rappi-din, I want a Rappi-din ♪
Here's your product, "Rappi-din.
I didn't buy anything.

- [clears throat.]

- [paper rustles.]

It's a new seven-speed blender
for anything that may need a good

- Mm.

- [gasps.]

Oh, of course!
Yes, I did buy this.

Thank you.

- Yeah!
- Oh!
No need to get
so emotional about business.

This is just our first sale.

- [Tere sighs.]

- [exhales.]

How do I seduce my neighbor?
She's a croissant and I'm M&M's!
[doorbell chimes.]

- [man.]
Did somebody order a pizza?
- No.

Large juicy exquisite sausage?
It's yours?
No, it's not.
What do you mean?
- I'll go this way.

- What address did they give you?
- Yours, doll.

- What? Don't be disrespectful.

[reggaeton music playing.]

Holy Mother of Jesus!
Hey! No! Wait a minute! Mom! Mom!
- Mom! Oh.

- [grunting.]

- I'm serious.
It's her!
- [Grandma.]
What's wrong?
All right!
What are you scheming, you blond bitch?
Okay, if I were you, I'd be nice.

I'm about to send your video
to the neighborhood chat.

We'd be tied after last night.

You brought that on by yourself
by putting on a little porn show.


No wonder you had a fling with that kid.

- Shh!
- Your husband doesn't measure up.

If you keep mentioning Rober,
I'll send this to your husband.

He's not one of your contacts.

I'm on the security committee.

I have everyone's number.

You wouldn't dare.

You also have a video
that could destroy my marriage.

So, stripper for Rober, how about it?
I say no way!
I can talk to Genaro myself, hmm?
But just to show that I'm nice,
I'll give you your yard.

Don't you miss it?
All right!
- All right, I'll delete that.

- Hey!
There it is.

What did I just do? What did I do?
- Wait! Please, delete it!
- [gasps, squeals.]

- [laughs.]

- Oh no!
You just sent it
to Gerardo and all the neighbors!
My husband's name is Genaro! [grunts.]

Same thing.
It starts with a G.

Oh, fuck you!
- [Grandma.]
Get out!
- [Leonor.]
Get out of here!
It's unbelievable.

Hey, Gennie,
I mean, with this tantra business,
I feel three times
more pressure from Silvia
And I even followed
your advice of running away.

- Oy, you're @malestud?
- Yeah, and I wish that I was @penismaster.

- It's not that easy, Neto.

- [giggles.]

I've turned Leonor into a sex addict.

Now I'm not even enough for her anymore.

If you're not enough for her, then who is?
You ever feel like
you can't fail even one time?
Yes, and you feel like
you have to be a pleasure machine.

Yes, exactly.
I feel the same way, Neto!
And I don't think it's fair.

- No.

- We have to free ourselves.

Like my grandpa used to say,
"Let your work bring sleep,
and let your pleasure bring play.
Right! Okay!
That's what I'll do with Silvia!
You are the best thing to happen
to all the men in this community.

Come here.

[phone chimes.]

On my signal we move, copy?
Copy, nephew.

You by air, me by land.
Got it? Over.

Got it.

Operation Bird Returns to Nest.

Let's begin.


If it goes wrong [sighs.]

it was a pleasure knowing you, kid.

- [glasses clink.]

- [Ernesto.]

Where is my reward?
I deserve one.

- Mm, yes you do, honey.

- Yes.

Because you deserve a super


Oh, babe, I missed you.



You want me to pull my clothes off
like that stripper?
That bimbo sent him.

She was trying to entrap me.

- Mm-hmm.
I'm sure.

- [inhales, exhales.]

What are you mad about?
You smell like a strip club.

Stop pretending.
Every time you're sad,
you go and ignore the strippers.

I never complain
because I always think of you
before I think about me.


That's the problem, Genaro.

[clicks tongue.]

I need to be able to tell you
what I like and dislike in bed,
without it undermining you.

For example, that wrestler mask you like
- You know the one.

- [clicks tongue.]
Rey Mysterio's mask?
- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.

It's a big turn-off,
if I'm being honest with you.

- [sighs.]

- I'll get rid of it.

Forgive me for not asking you
what you like, little devil.

- But I'm ready now.

- Yeah?
Tell me what you want to do?
- Anything?
- Yeah.

Well, okay then,
Penis Master, for starters
- Mm-hmm.

- Just a sec.

I wanna try this out.
- Oh
- Come on!
It's so weird that rich people
need so much to get aroused, right?
- And you don't?
- Me?
I only need this.



Dear Richie Boy,
tell your girl that you love her style,
and then she will open up her flower.


Are you all right?
- I'm interested in your flower.

- Uh
I mean, in in your personality,
which is like a flower inside of you.


I'm not a player.

- I don't go with all the girls.

- No.

What I care about is is in here.

And here.

May I smell your hair?

- Yes.

- [inhales.]


[sniffs deeply.]

- [giggles.]

- It smells good.

Uh, yes.
Thank you.

Show me your boobs? At least just one.

- Just a look.

- [sighs.]
Just shut up.

[Diego grunts.]

I'm chafed.

I hadn't ridden my bike since I was eight,
but I can do it, I swear.

- [Tere.]

- [groaning.]

Baby ♪

Baby, you turn me on ♪
[Silvia grunts.]

You deserve it all.

You're on fire, baby ♪
Let's ignite the room ♪
[both moaning.]

Baby ♪
[Silvia moans.]

You're on fire, baby ♪
[both moaning.]

[both moaning loudly.]

[both moaning loudly.]

Oh, Beatriz!
- Silvia!
- Mm-hmm.

I can't believe it!
If I were Beatriz, I'd be dead,
and you'd be a necrophile.

Silvia, don't pay attention to me, dear.

It was a very, very stupid mistake.

I saw the tree and it got my head.

Oh no, I've had enough!
I live with the ghost of a woman
who choked on the host
at her son's baptism.

- I can never compete with that!
- No!
- You make me the happiest man alive.

- No, please, let go of me.

Stop, stop, stop, stop! Enough! Bye!
- [breathing heavily.]

- [sniffing.]

Hey, something's burning, yeah?
It must be me burning for you.

No! Wait! Wait!
I mean it.

- [sniffs.]

- [alarm beeping.]

No way!
[coughing, gagging.]

Ay, this horrible big house,
it can't stand even a little bit of smoke.

Oh Lord! [panting.]

What's going on, Mom?
I was just trying out the charcoal stove.

All right, then,
be more careful next time.

You too.
Be very careful.

- Now what?
- Have you turned to the Devil now, Leo?
Guess what?
You know, Genaro loves it, and me too.

Mom, you taught me
some very strange things about sex.

I only taught you
what I was taught when I was young.

That you need to have self-respect.

Yes, Mommy.

I know you had the best intentions.

And since I already know
how to respect myself,
I learned how to ask
instead of just giving.

Being a little bit
devilish isn't that bad.

You should try it sometime.

Mm? [kisses.]

Love you.

Target located.

Watch out! Watch out! It's Crista!

[Pablo gasps.]
No way!
Ugh! Stupid ugly doll!
[Krstl sensually.]
Oh! You're always right.

[gasps, sighs.]




Why are you cutting it down?
It's a pretty tree.

- No!
- [gasps.]
Oh damn!
It's a reminder that my husband
is always thinking about his dead wife!
[saw thuds.]

He called me Beatriz in bed.

After months of not touching me.

Oh man, I feel like an asshole.

Hey, don't call yourself that.

[glasses clink.]

- Mm.

- Mm-hmm.

- We all screw up once in a while.

- Except you and your Penis Master.

Until before those classes we took,
- the truth is that [inhales.]

- [liquid pouring.]


I hadn't felt the things I felt today.

You shouldn't live under
Beatriz's shadow.
You come first.

At least that's what I've learned
since I moved to this neighborhood.


- [exhales.]

- [groans.]

Ugh! Fuckin' Pablo, he was right!
I have the worst friends ever!
I mean, for real,
Pablo is my only real friend.

[Krstl sensually.]
 You're awesome!
- [sighs.]
You're great!
- [sniffles.]

[Krstl sensually.]
Oh! You're perfect!
No wonder these dolls are so well-liked.

Uncle! Abort!
- Abort! Get out!
- Uh?
Pablo, what's wrong with you?
So, what?
Are we going to charge into her room?
- Pablito.
- [gasps.]

Oh no.

You're all a family of degenerates.

Okay, fine, then.

I can't believe this!
What are you doing up there?
Hi, Mom.

A Penis Master
isn't the kind of man who brags to others.

Anybody can do that, huh?
The hardest thing to do
is talk to your partner.

There's always something
that we don't want to hear.

So, my dear followers, be ready.

Because changing is very hard,
but it's possible, huh.

Because we shouldn't just satisfy others.

That's why first you have to know
what makes yourself happy.

Then do what you can
to please the other person.

If nobody ever told you
that you have a natural talent,
don't get sad, huh.

Not everybody can be
a genius in bed like me, you know.

["El Dinero No Es La Vida" by Rubén Blades
and Ximena Sariñana playing.]

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