This Country (2017) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Bumworth! Bumworth!
They're filming us, look. Oi!
Yeah, we're on TV, look.
BBC, yeah.
He's a fucking twat, don't film
him. He's a fucking bell end.
I'm so ill.
I can't even smell. I forgot what
it's like to smell.
You just take
these sort of things
for granted, don't you?
KNOCK ON DOOR.
What's the point in knocking if
you're just going
to walk in anyway?
Fucking hell. Sorry, mate.
I'm so ill.
I'm so ill. You look like shit.
Is Uncle Nugget here yet?
No, he's not here.
Are these lot filming him,
are they? Yeah. Cos I got this.
Yeah, let's see it then.
Took me ages. I'll hold it.
No, no
Hold it together.
I'll hold it together, then.
Justice. Justice.
On March the 13th, 2009,
our Uncle Nugget was wrongly
incinerated for having a laugh.
Incarcerated. And
today he's being
released and he's coming home so
we're throwing a
justice party for him.
Well, the reason
Uncle Nugget ended
up in prison was
because he was just
having a laugh, right? He was at
Swindon bus
station and one of the
bus drivers quickly
got off the bus
to go and get some
change and Uncle.
Nugget seen this as an
opportunity to have a laugh.
So he quickly ran
on the bus, there
were still some
passengers on it,
turned on the ignition and just
drove the bus off and went round
and round the roundabout,
for about four hours.
It was a miscarriage of justice
though, cos what people forget is
12 out of them 20 hostages
actually found it funny. Yeah.
I'd never, honestly never seen
that many people crying in court.
Have you? Yeah. Tears
of laughter, though. Yeah.
Kerry does look up to her Uncle
Steve as a role model.
But
I don't think Steve always
thinks very deeply about the
example he might be setting her.
So we started the "He Was Only
Having A Laugh" campaign because
we's the only one in the family
that has sort of stuck by him,
haven't we? Yeah.
Cos our Auntie Pat HATES him.
She says she can't touch him with
a bargepole, didn't she? Yeah.
No!
I said no.
I put it in the
plant pot outside.
Oh, we got rid of that ages ago.
Oh, fuck knows where that is!
Oh, she'll just have to use this,
then, That'll do, won't it?
That'll do.
Mum, I can't
I don't know where the hammer
is but I've found something else.
I can't wait to take Nugget down
the Keepers for his first pint of
freedom. Last time me and
him went down Keepers, yeah?
We got so smashed,
and when the pub closed he
frogmarched me to the cashpoint,
made me get 200 quid out.
Which is a bit annoying but when
Nugget wants something you can't
really sort of
You've got to let him, cos he
gets a bit cross.
And
yeah, he spent it all on acid and
knives, I think.
And a roasting joint, which he
ended up stabbing
with the knives.
But it was a laugh. I mean
Yeah, it's annoying, but
He's just got that
charm, you know?
You can't say no to him.
God, we were
That was a mad night.
Same again tonight, I think.
I'll probably leave my bank card
here though.
So, me and Kurtan are
both cousins, right? And
our Auntie Linda got married to
Nugget
so he's our uncle by marriage.
And they had a
really good marriage
until one day they went to Ikea
and he brought back some, like,
flat-pack furniture
and he was so mad cos he lost
the instructions,
and he blamed her
for stealing them,
cos he's very paranoid.
And he kept thinking that she was
making him have Alzheimer's cos
she kept apparently moving his
belongings, like his slippers.
The thing is with Nugget, you
can be having a laugh with him,
and we'll be laughing,
laughing, laughing,
he'll be laughing,
laughing, laughing
and then suddenly he'll stop
..and be, like,
"What are you laughing at?"
Kerry, can you put the oven on,
please?
Sweet, I'm starving.
You're not having any. What, why?
Cos you're a skav - get your own
food. I'm not a skav.
I paid for this with my birthday
money. I'm not a skav.
Well, get a job and pay for
your own, then.
I have got a job - I babysit
people's pets, thanks.
Yeah, how's that going for you?
Well, it's early days.
You can have that if you want.
Look, that.
Fuck off, mate.
There's nothing I hate more than
when we go to the
pub together and I
buy a packet of crisps
and she takes them,
opens them up and puts them on
the middle of the table to share.
I do do that. That's
not her place to do that.
KERRY SIGHS
Cos I bought them for me,
not to share.
Let it go. That's injustice.
Let it go.
But it was annoying. Also, when I
put 50p in the it-box
to play pub quiz,
I don't want your
clammy fingers
reaching over jabbing
the screen - "Mel C, Mel C" -
when the question clearly states,
"Which of the following is
NOT a Spice Girl?"
You know, we've got 15 seconds to
answer the question,
enough time to confer -
you don't have to just
jab, jab, jab.
We can choose the right answer.
Sorry. What the fuck?
I don't know why I did that.
What the fuck? Sorry.
Mum, what have we got to eat?
What have we got to eat?
I am looking in the freezer.
What?
What?!
WHAT?!
I forgot.
Oh, fuck's sake. Business going
well then, Kerr?
Please can I just have some
of your pizza, Kurtan? No.
So selfish today!
Oh, yes - turkey dinosaurs.
Yes Is it all right if I have
some, Kerr?
Yeah, if you give me a bit of
your pizza.
That's that's not a fair swap.
Well, don't have any of my
turkey dinosaurs, then.
Yeah, but I'm the guest. Guest?
You're here more than I am, mate,
and it's my fucking oven.
Whoa, whoa! What are you doing?
You're letting the heat out,
you lummock.
No, I'm going to take your pizza
and put it on the bottom shelf.
What are you doing, you big oaf?
Mine takes longer
to cook, Kurtan.
That is just the way of the law.
Yeah, but my pizza,
yeah, has to be top shelf
otherwise it won't cook evenly.
Well
OK, here we go, here's something
for you.
Why don't you give me some of
your crusts?
And then I'll let you have
top shelf.
No.
Here we go. This is going
to be my best offer. Right
Because both of
us want top shelf,
I suggest what we do is cut the
pizza in half
We can't do that. No, sorry. Why?
Because I eat my pizza from
the inside out, right?
If you cut it in half, yeah,
there's no inside
to eat out from.
I don't use the basic
slice system, Kerr,
which is why I get so fussy at
Pizza Hut.
Why are you crying?
I'm not crying, I'm just
so hungry.
I'm really sorry,
Kurtan, but at the
end of the day it
is my oven so I am
going to have top shelf.
Just don't cut my
pizza in half, please.
I won't. Just chill out.
It's just a pizza, Kurtan.
Kurtan gets very
emotional, but that's
just what we're
like in this family.
One of my first memories of
Nugget is
we all go round
Nan's for Christmas
Day and she was about to get the
spread on and he was like,
Uncle Nugget was like,
"No, I want to watch
Chicken Run because I've
been waiting for this
to come out for a year"
cos he loves Aardman Animations,
and she was like,
"No, we're all going to sit round
the table"
"and we're going to eat the
Christmas lunch."
So he absolutely kicked off.
He said, "Well, why can't I just
watch it sat on my lap?"
"And eat my food on my lap."
And she was like, "No".
She's having none of it.
So he stormed in, he
punched a hole in the turkey
I started sniggering
at this point,
so he just got he
literally got a ladle of
bread sauce and, like,
threw it across the
across at me. It became a bit of
a joke in the family cos the next
year we brought him
Chicken Run on DVD,
and we thought he was going to
absolutely love it and laugh,
but he really did not find it
funny at all.
Shall I tell them about why he's
called Nugget?
You can, but it's a bit boring.
No. Right, Uncle Nugget, yeah?
He's called Nugget because he
went in this nightclub and the DJ
wouldn't play this song he
requested so he
got a knife, yeah?
Cut off half the DJ's scratching
thumb,
threw it on the floor
and some bloke
came along who's
just fucked out of
his brains, picked
it up and ate it
cos he thought it was a
chicken nugget.
He's called Nugget because his
second name's Nuggins.
Where the hell
did that come from?
Seriously? Yeah.
I think that's still part of
Kurtan went through a very bad
lying phase.
Yeah, I did, yeah.
That's the thing,
I lied so much I
still don't know
what's real life
and what's plain lies. Mmm-hmm.
I'm so glad you're out of that
lying phase.
There's injustices in this world,
so many.
I experience it in my life
every day.
Like, people look down their nose
on me, like
When I go into the village shop,
Mrs Wicks just follows me around
like a stale guff, thinking I'm
going to nick something.
Which just makes me so mad.
Yeah. Cos you
can't nick anything.
Well, yeah, but she doesn't
know that.
For all she knows I could be
going in there to buy something.
But you only go in there to
nick stuff.
Yeah.
So your point is you want
to go in the shop to nick stuff,
without being followed around by
Mrs Wicks?
That would make
my life easier, yes.
What?
What?
She's doing this all
Yeah?
Right, I'm just going to watch
something. This is
winding me up now.
Yeah, I'll get some later.
'..across the
whole of your plate
that I actually
really, really like.
'The only thing I don't like the
taste of is the celeriac puree
'and the chocolate and
tamarind sauce.
'It's sweet, sweet earthiness and
I can't get it to sit happily.'
She's not happy. 'I thought the
dish was cooked beautifully.
'Your venison is
wonderful and soft.
'Your celeriac puree is wonderful
and creamy.
'Your beetroot -
melt in your mouth.
'The crispness of your little
rissoles, which crumble on the
'outside, they're really lovely
and shredded on the inside.
'But the thing for me is, it all
needs a little bit
more seasoning.'
She's livid, look.
'The venison needs a decent'
You know what? I actually can't
watch this - sorry, Kerr.
Oh, no, don't.
That is utter torture.
Can't take Gramps four hours to
drive from Gloucester.
That's only a half an hour drive.
It does. It actually does cos he
goes at 5mph
and he likes to be the
only person on the road,
so whenever he sees a car coming
the other way he just pulls over.
Yeah.
Don't do that.
God, Kerr I watched the most
fucked up thing last night. What?
It was this real-life
documentary,
yeah, about this
Nasa experiment,
yeah, where they sent this monkey
into space in its own spacecraft.
But when it hit
a certain altitude
the monkey's head just exploded
like a grape.
So they sent this other
monkey into space
Yeah? ..in its own spacecraft.
And they sorted the altitude
problem out but,
cos the scientists were so
obsessed with doing that,
they totally forgot to teach the
monkey how to navigate its craft,
so he just got lost in space
for all time.
Which I think is far worse,
to be fair.
What?
Well, go to sleep then, Sue,
rather than shouting down here
the whole time,
you stupid old bat.
Oh, well done.
Yeah?
Me and Kerry's mum do not see
eye to eye.
We've had some proper stand-up
blazing rows.
Actually, just me stand-up -
she's always in bed.
Cos, see, I live with my nan and
we like things in a certain way.
We like to know
where everything is.
But Kerry and her mum,
they're just like two pigs
rolling around in their own muck.
Mum says you've got to leave.
What? Why? Cos you called her
an old bat.
She is an old bat.
You've got to leave now, mate.
Yeah I heard her.
Bye, Sue.
I'm still here!
If you want to have a laugh
but also be physically sick,
just watch Kerry's mum put
her sandals on.
It's disgusting.
They're like two
Her feet are like two blocks of
spam, yeah?
And watching her
trying to squeeze
them into her Birkenstocks is
Get your mum to say tomato.
Oh, no, not now. Please.
Please.
Mum!
What's in a BLT?
A BLT.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, what else do you have?
No, but what's the T stand for?
Yeah.
What?
What?
I can't stop thinking about that
monkey. Yeah, same.
That's the thing, though.
They went through
hundreds of them in the '60s.
And now every time
I see a really bright
star in the sky I
can't wish on it,
cos in my head I'm thinking,
"That's probably
just a spacecraft
with some monkey bones in it."
Scientists, as well, taught this
monkey once how to sign language
and it took them six months,
and after six months he finally
figured out how to do it
and all he could bang
on about was how
his kids had been
left in the jungle.
Is that Uncle Nugget now?
No.
Yeah, Nugget scares me sometimes.
Actually, to be honest,
don't tell Kerry this,
but I don't really like him.
He is
He terrifies me.
And I don't really want him
coming out of prison, to be
honest, cos he needs help.
I don't think he's getting the
right help he needs.
And cos Kerry can't see it,
whenever he's around we just
end up at each other's throats.
Is there anything in there?
No.
What did you just take out?
Nothing.
I seen you just
take something out.
No, I didn't. Show me your hand.
The other one.
Hmm? The other one.
What hand? I just seen you take
something out.
I'm just going to the toilet
No. Why?
Open your hand.
Open it. There's
nothing in there.
Open it. What?
A knob of cheese!
You absolute traitor. That's my
cheese - it's my fucking house.
I wanted to grate
Ow! Sorry.
What the actual fuck?
I'm hungry. You
Aargh
Ow! Right, say sorry now.
Say sorry now.
Say sorry now,
and then I'll let go.
No. Say sorry
now and I'll let go.
Kerry, I'll go fucking apeshit.
Say sorry now.
Say sorry now
and then I'll let go.
Ow Say sorry. Say sorry.
Say sorry.
Say it.
Sorry!
You wouldn't dare. Yeah, I would.
You would not dare.
Of course I would.
You eat that, right
You eat that You wouldn't.
You wouldn't throw that.
I would. No, you
wouldn't. I would.
Don't you dare eat that cheese.
You eat that and
I will smash this.
I promise you, I will smash you
with this.
What the fuck?
Truce.
Truce, truce. You've lost your
head. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Fuck! You switched them!
Did I?
Nothing!
Perfect! What the?
No!
How has that happened?
Seriously!
I put it on the top shelf so
it would cook evenly!
It did. It's just cooked
evenly burnt.
Yeah, I can see it's
fucking burnt, Sherlock.
I fucking don't believe that!
Do you want a turkey dinosaur?
Can I?
No.
Hello?
Yeah.
All right.
Yeah, see you in a bit.
Is that Uncle Nugget?
No, it's my nan.
My tea's ready.
Well, what about Uncle Nugget?
Oh, I'll just see him later.
And this. You've got to help me
clear up all this.
Fuck that.
See you.
Well, it's his loss cos he's
just going to miss out on.
Uncle Nugget time.
I can't wait to see Uncle Nugget.
He is such a laugh.
He is going to make such
great TV, I tell you that now.
Can't wait.