Trailer Park Boys s04e02 Episode Script

[crash.]
- What the fuck?! s - Who the fuck are you guy and what the fuck are you doing here? Hope you got insurance and shit.
- You can go to jail for a long time for this.
- For what, free TV? - It's not free! It's like stealing! - Stealing? You guys are beaming a signal to this fucking trailer park without my permission, not me.
So I got these little things that pick up the signal from space.
How the fuck is that stealing? What, do you own space? No, Nay-sa does.
- Nay-sa? - Rocket people.
Perhaps you've heard of them .
- It's NASA.
- Who the fuck called you guys ? Get the fuck off this roof - A Mr.
James Lahey.
- Fucking Lahey.
Lahey's fucked in the head .
You should know that.
- Look.
We found a split comin from this box from this address, registered to some guy named Julian.
Is that you? - No.
There's no fucking Julian who lives in this park.
- I'm Julian.
This is my trailer.
Ricky, what the fuck is going on here? - I don't know.
Somebody must've broke in here and put all this shit up here.
I'm getting blamed for it.
It's bullshit.
- Oh, remember, Corey and Trevor were up there with the screwdrivers and the wrenches.
- Dino, call head office.
- Ha, Dino! Maybe you should call Barney and Fred in.
- You're not fucking calling , what are you doing? You're not fucking calling head office.
I'm the trailer park supervisor.
Here's what's going to happen.
I'm going to give you guys a few grams of weed, you're going to give me insurance for my fucking accident.
Then you're going to leave and nothing happened here.
- For fuck's sakes Ricky, what the fuck are you doing with the satellite?! I paid ten fucking dollars I want my fucking satellite signal! - Danny chill the fuck out ! I'm fucking trying here.
It'll be back up in a bit.
Calm the fuck down.
- Look , If these satellite dishes aren't down in ten minutes I have no choice but to call the cops.
- Ricky, get the dishes off my roof.
Listen, man, I just got out of jail.
Don't be calling the cops.
- Dino, take them down now - Ricky, get the dishes of f my roof.
- Dino, call Mr.
Slate.
- Jesus - Jesus, boys, look out.
I know what's coming.
- What the fuck is wrong with you?! - I'll take everyone of thes e down to the fucking ground Is that what you want, you fucking retards?! You think I give a fuck about this stupid bullshit - That windshield was already cracked.
- There.
There in the fucking van.
Now leave - Ten fucking dollars a month! [music.]
- The cops are going to show u p so load this in the van and get the van in the lake.
Get rid of it.
- Ah, it's stuck.
She's stuck good now.
- Mr.
Lahey, turn the motor on .
It's getting cold.
- Randy, I can't keep running it all day.
We're almost out of gas.
- Good morning, Jim.
Beautiful day.
- Good morning, Ricky.
To what do we owe the pleasure - Randy, I can see you through all those god-damned liquor bags and lawn chair strapping, for fuck's sakes.
- Stop frigging looking, Rick.
- You called the fucking satellite pricks on me, Lahey? - Those satellites interfere with the emergency respons e frequencies, Ricky.
- Don't fucking take my bacon, Lahey.
Who owns this fucking car? - I own the car, Ricky! - Yeah? 'Cause the registration says Sunnyvale Trailer Park owns the car.
Since I'm the Park Superviso r and you fucked around, I'm taking it.
And I'm takin g your fucking breakfast.
- Ricky, for Christ's sakes Have a heart.
This is where we live.
- Two things, Lahey.
Put on some fucking pants and fuck off - Jesus, Ricky! - Mr.
Lahey, I got soap in my eyes! - Holy fuck! Where's my furniture? Did Ricky sell it? - Yup.
- So what was he doing? Growing weed in here? - Nope.
- So he was growing clones .
- Yup.
Ricky's got the whole plac e wrapped in tin foil.
Like, everything.
That's the sink under there.
Can't even use it.
He's been going around the park, , to people like Mrs.
Peterson asking to borrow tin foil for different things he says he's cooking and whatnot.
All fibs, he's telling.
- Twenty-two hundred for one month in my name.
Power bill.
Nice! - Ricky! - Julian, how's it going, buddy? You got any rolling papers - You've gone way too far this time, Ricky.
Guess what? I'm bailing, buddy.
- What are you talking about Because of a bunch of fucking mail? - Ricky, it's not about a bunch of mail, it's about a bunch of illega I bullshit you put in my name.
- You got any rolling papers ? - No! - Julian, you can't worry about that stuff, man.
All the credit cards are maxed out in your name.
I threw them in the fucking lake.
They can't trace that shit back to you.
Don't worry about it.
Come on, buddy.
- Do you realize how stupid yo u just sounded there Ricky? Huh? - Bubbles, do you got any rolling papers? - No, I don't.
Just, everybody calm down.
Julian Come on, boys.
Let's go catch some bullfrogs.
Put the bottles down.
- Boys, boys, boys I'm out of rum.
I'm in debt, I've got no money, no car, no furniture, no place to live.
All I've got is these fucking bottles, Ricky.
- Julian, you were just in jail.
You don't think I'm going to look after you? Don't worry about it.
Come here.
See that? Big fucking barrel of swish.
I stole it from Lahey and Randy.
You can have it all, alright ? As for a place to live here I was going to use this fo r a cottage man, but take it You can live in it.
It's a fucking great car to live in - Richard, Bubbles, can I have a quick word? Apparently, I'm being sued for stealing by some satellite TV company e - As soon as Ricky hired m as Assistant Trailer Park Supervisor, I knew things were fucked right away.
El cheques kept arriving for Trevor Corey, Corey Trevor, Randy Trevor - Now the bank has suggested that I might want to conside selling, okay? Selling the park.
Now frankly, it is beginning to make a lot of sense.
- By the time I got involved , it was already too late.
h I've just been trying to kee p Ricky out of jail long enoug till Julian gets here, but things got out of hand way, way too fucking quick .
There was nothing I could do - Barb, it's not that bad.
I promise you.
- Here's your lunch.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
- I'll take care of this, Barb I'll come and see you later.
And don't worry about a thing.
Julian's going to straighten it out.
He's back now.
Buddy, you gotta help me straighten this shit out.
Please.
- Ricky, I'm leaving.
- What are you going to do ? Just go live in a car and take your bottles back and survive off that? I don't think so.
- Julian, don't.
- Come in my trailer and smoke a joint.
- Don't start drinking swish , please.
Swish is this old, dirty, shitty-tasting, home-made fucking liquor that you can, ah, you can barely get it into you but my fuck, does it ever ge t you some drunk.
- All the shit's in my name, man.
I got no choice but to run for a little while.
I'm gonna go work on an oil ri g or something.
- Ah, Julian, that's crazy talk.
Come on now.
I've lived beside you my whole life.
Don't go, Julian.
Come on, please, buddy.
- Alright, I'm just going to have one more drink.
- Alright.
- Can you get me some ice? - Oh, I can get you some ice .
But only one, Julian.
One drink.
[tires squealing.]
- Ah, Julian.
You tricked me - What's with the Smokey outfit, Randy? - I can wear whatever I want .
- Is that cologne I smell? What about our "no cologne agreement"? Smokey.
That was the name he used to call himself when he was on the streets , back when I was on the force Strip the chrome off a trailer hitch.
- I need a cheeseburger.
- What's that got to do with the - I need a store-bought cheeseburger.
- Smokey outfit? You're not thinking of going back on the street, are you, Randy? - Man's got to eat.
- Randy, I can make a cheeseburger, better than store-bought.
- I don't think so, Mr.
Lahey.
I'm leaving.
I got work to do.
- Randy! Randy! - Fuck off, Randy! - Thanks, man.
- Get in the back.
- Damn garbage! Bubbles, you really fucked u p this time, didn't you? Well, Bubbles only plays basketball when he's really pissed of f and stressed out.
So I knew it was a delicatel situation that I approached and, you know, I approached him like an adult.
How did you let things get so fucked up anyway? You know I can't do it, I'm stupid.
- What the fuck did you just say to me, Ricky? How did I let it get fucked up ? You know what? b You can take your assistan t trailer park supervisor jo and all your El papers, illegal mortgages, n Visa statements, all that othe r bullshit that I'm involved i and stick it right in there.
- Where? b - I told him to stick his jo and all the papers and everything up his arse and he didn't even know what I was talking about.
And then I said Julian lef t and it was his fault and he still didn't know what I was talking about.
So I just got pissed off and I quit.
I'm fucking quitting, that's it! - Fine then, quit.
I don't care.
But I can't give you your vacation pay till we get paid.
When we grow the dope and we harvest it, then we get paid.
- Well, you can give me some chips in the meantime.
He owes me 260 bucks vacation pay.
He won't fucking pay that, so I figured a handful of chip s wasn't too much to ask.
- Put half of those back.
- I'm actually taking more , Ricky.
- Fuck off, Bubbles, seriously .
- Look at that! They were chicken chips.
I don't even like those, but I don't give a fuck.
- This is great, Julian.
This is where Smokey used to work.
- You're prostituting yourself out for cheeseburgers again? - Man's got to eat, Julian - For fuck's sakes! - She's out of gas, Julian - Well, I guess this is where I'm living now.
Go on, get out of here.
Get, get! Get! - You sure you should be drinking that shit, man? Remember back in Grade 10- - - Fuck off, Randy! - Randy wants a cheeseburger I'll give him a god-damned cheeseburger.
- Well, boys, I need you to help me out today.
Paint Julian's trailer, clean it up.
Got some hash We're going to get stoned.
It' s going to be a good fucking day - That's what I'm saying.
Good dope, dude.
- Corey, no talking, please.
Just take the hash.
- What's going on in here? What are you guys doing in here? - Just hanging out, playing some video games.
Calm down.
- They're not working for you today.
- Look, Sara, I'm short-staffed.
Bubbles quit on me.
I need these fucking dicks to work for me today.
- I don't give a fuck if you're short-staffed, Ricky.
Get the fuck out of my sid e of the trailer.
- Why are you always sticking up for these guys? It's not like you're banging them.
- Ricky is so abusive to Corey and Trevor.
It's really sad to see.
Even before I liked them, I noticed he was always making them cry and shit.
- Sara, come on.
Don't, don't tell them that.
[sighing.]
- Jesus Trevor, I told you to move this fucking tree two weeks ago! - Fuck, Ricky! My game, dude ! - Fucking idiot! What the fuck?! Fucking kids! What the fuck is wrong with parents these days? Hey, buddy! - Don't "hey, buddy" me, Ricky I'm going to look for Julian Do you even care that Julian's gone, Ricky? - He's just fucking around , Bubbles.
Look, I'm sorry about earlier, alright? I know it wasn't just you that fucked things up.
Corey and Trevor fucked some things up, and a few other people aroun d the park fucked things up.
Lahey and Randy are runnin g around; it's hard on people.
so I'm not mad at ya.
Give me a hug, buddy.
- Alright.
Help me find Julian, please.
Come on.
- Alright.
Can we stop by an d get some donairs first though? I'm fucking starving.
- Will you buy them? - Well, we got some room lef t on Leahey's Dinner's Card.
You're going to have to drive, though.
Some kids fucked my tire over.
- Looking for a date? Ten bucks or six Dairy Queen coupons.
- Officer George Green and I are doing a shake down of, you know, John's in the neighbourhood.
I dress up as a prostitute If they solicit me for prostitution, I bust them.
You're looking pretty hot.
Think I'm hot? - I guess.
Ten bucks.
- Yeah, ten bucks will work.
- Want to grab a couple of cheeseburgers first? - No.
You gotta place? - It's greasy.
It's out back .
- Yeah.
- Let's go.
[whispering.]
- So let's do this.
- Hey, Smokey! Looks like you'll be eating your cheeseburgers soon, eh, buddy? - Julian? Drunk and pissing on a dumpste r behind the King of Donair? Don't you know me? - Brenda! - Erica! - Erica.
- Erica? - I should arrest you right no w for soliciting prostitution.
- Soliciting? - Didn't going to jail teach you anything? - I didn't do anything wrong .
You solicited me, Erica.
You should go to jail.
- I'm a cop, Randy.
Undercover.
I'm wearing a wire.
You know what? You guys look like you hav e enough problems as it is.
- Hey, Bubbles, look who it is What are you doing here? A little undercover work, Erica? - Ricky, what did you guys d o to Julian out back? - What are you talking about - He's so drunk he can't even stand up.
- Out back? - Stop staring at my tits.
- I wasn't.
- Yes, you were.
- I was not! Jesus Christ! He's on the swish hard, Ricky.
- Holy fuck, Julian! - Leave me alone, boys.
- Julian, look at me for a second.
You gotta get a hold of yourself, buddy.
You gotta come back to the trailer park right now.
I got a job for ya.
It's gonna be perfect.
Assistant Trailer Park Supervisor.
- Assistant, huh? - That's right, buddy.
and I could use a hand.
We're going to straighten all this shit out man and things will be cool.
- Hey, Ricky, I'm looking for work! - Fuck off, Randy! Here, Julian, let me top that up for you That's getting warm.
- Actually, Randy, get the fuck over here.
You want some work? - Yeah! - Get the fuck over here.
- I need some ice.
- There.
Fresh as a daisy.
Get that in ya.
- I'm going to take Randy back to the park right now We're going to clean up your trailer.
It's going to be better than ever man.
You gotta come back there and things are going to be cool.
Come on, buddy, let's go! - Ricky, let go of me.
Let go of me! - Come on.
- Let go of me, Ricky! Get away from me, Ricky.
- Ricky Look, I'll take you and Rand y back to the park.
I know what we need to do here .
Trust me on this.
Come on, Randy.
Come on, let's go! - See all these wires here They're live so be careful , okay? I want you to get rid of all these wires, get rid of all this tubing Clean the fucking carpets 'cause they're fucked.
Go to his bedroom.
Try to se t something up he can sleep on There's a tub, shower and a sink out back.
Bring those in, find some fucking parts somewhere, and install those and make sur they're working in the bathroom.
Then I'll give you two cheeseburgers.
Simple as that.
- Double cheeseburgers, Ricky.
- Hey, listen.
That would be three or four cheeseburgers, wouldn't it? I said two, okay? - Same amount of buns.
- Randy, two fucking cheeseburgers.
Take it and leave it.
Here's a little piece of hash.
Go to the stove, get stone d and get to work.
- I can't get stoned, Ricky.
- What do you mean? It's shitty work.
Everybody does that, alright Carpenters, electricians, dishwashers, floor cleaners, lawyers, doctors, fucking politicians, CBC employees, principals People who paint the lines on the fucking roads.
Get stoned, it'll be fun.
Get to work.
Oh, this is most important Go down to the Shit-Mart, I need a bag of chicken chips.
If they don't have chicken , get me dill pickle.
And I want a chocolate milk, okay? Here's some money.
- Ricky - Give me a kiss.
Give me a kiss.
- Julian! What are you doing , Julian? Put him down! Put him down.
Go on get, you miserable bastard! What are you doing? Give me the swish, Julian.
- Oh, Bubbles, don't.
- Give it! - Don't take my swish.
- Look, just hand me Julian [smashing.]
- Bubbles - Julian, here look, I'm sorry Here, get this in you.
This will clear your brain out That's the lowest I've ever seen him.
Drunk on swish, dancing around with an old fucking dirty dog, eating pizza crusts off the fucking ground! Made me sad.
Here, hold that.
You are coming home with m e and that's all there is to it.
You get that in you.
There you go.
That'll fix your brains up Hey? - Ah Thanks, buddy.
- There you go.
- Those other clothes of yours smell like dog pee, Julian Now stop complaining and hurry up.
Julian, are you almost done? I'm gonna have an accident out here.
What do you think? - I look like a dick! You got anything else in there I can put on? - Nothing that's going to fit you.
But I mean, I think it looks pretty good.
I used to rock those pants - How's it going, Randy? Did you get everything done? - Almost.
Are those my burgers, Ricky? That's my burger, right? - No, Barb made these for me - I want my frigging burger, Rick! - Randy, I'll get yours later.
You didn't even finish the job Fuck off, Randy! Fuck you! You get the fucking chicke n chips, you fucking asshole Give me that back, you fucking dick! Let go of it! Stop grabbing it! Get your hands off it! Get your fucking hands off it! - It's mine! - Smokey! - Fuck! What the fuck! Jesus Christ! [gun shots.]
- What in the fuck?! - What are you doing? Give me that! - I'm trying to shoot whoeve r fucking shot me! Jesus Christ! - Randy, how could you do that ? - Do what? - What you were doing with Ricky? - I wasn't doing anything with Ricky.
- Is that a fucking bow and You fucking shot me! - It was an accident, Ricky.
I was trying to shoot a blue jay - I'll show you a fucking blue jay! - Ricky, it was an accident.
You can call the cops on Lahey u for getting shot with an arrow , but he can call the cops on yo for firing a handgun off in the trailer park.
They cancel out.
- That doesn't even make sense - It's even, Ricky.
- I don't have the right peopl e words to make you understand the way it means to me, but something's fucked up here - Hold still, Ricky.
- Ah! FUCK! - Get out of here! - Ricky, you owe me two double cheeseburgers for cleaning up Julian's trailer.
- I never said doubles.
I never said fucking doubles Where's my chocolate milk and chicken chips? - Ricky, go home! - Fuck you! And fuck your cheeseburgers! - Everybody calm down! For fuck's sakes, is this all about cheeseburgers? - Yeah.
- Well, Randy, I've got burger meat and cheese at my shed.
I'll cook some up for you on the barbeque if that'll diffuse the situation.
- Thanks, Bubs.
Randy and I are going home now.
- Holy fuck! - No way, Mr.
Lahey.
I need a cheeseburger.
Come on, Bubbles.
- Alright, hang on! Where's your bun, Randy? - Here it is.
- There.
Drive that into you then.
- Thanks, Bubbles.
- Randy, don't eat that! - What the fuck are you doin g here? Stay away from me! You see this? You see that ? Can't even get it out.
- Randy, look.
Listen , I know things have been rather tough on you lately so I made you this cheeseburger.
- Thanks Mr.
Lahey.
- It's a lot better than store-bought, Randy.
- My god, there's feathers hanging out of it.
That's made out of an old blue jay.
- Here, Bubbles.
I don't need this anymore.
- You guys are fucked! - You're going to eat that old blue jay burger.
Ah.
.
- What do you think of that, Randy? - It's good.
It's good.
A little gamey, but good.
- Great.
- Let's go home, Mr.
Lahey - Jim, here's your home back It's time for you to be completely honest with me.
Alright? No more little games, Rick.
Just tell me the truth, please I won't get pissed off.
- Can you get this fucking arrow out of my arm? - Yes.
- Everything's going to be cool.
- Cool.
- You promise? - I promise you man.
- Let's just tell him, Ricky .
- Come with me, and you're not going to fucking believe this, buddy - Ricky Are you alright? - Yeah.
Look, Julian, I know this look s really fucked up, man.
But when you guys went to jail , I was bored.
I developed this new kind of weed and it's growing like fucking nuts, man.
These were this big a month an d a half ago, little tiny clones And I put them in this little test field and I don't know what the fuck happened to them but look at these things! - It's Mars! I'm telling you , it's Mars! Julian, Mars hasn't been this close to the earth in 60 thousand fucking years and we plant this weed and Mars is pulling it right out of the ground.
- It's one of those miracl e things, man, they talk about I'm telling you, buddy.
- I can't fucking believe yo u guys did this.
- Julian, don't freak out.
I'm sorry, man.
But I had no one to look after me.
- Look here, put your drin k in your new glass.
- Ricky You're a genius, man.
[sniffing.]
- Listen, boys, we're gonna make a lot of mone y here with all this weed.
We should buy a fucking island .
Start our own country.
I don't know, have a flag and everything, man.
No more cops, no more Lahey.
Think about how perfect that would be.
- Rick, Rick, Rick.
No, no .
- Maybe get a ferris wheel - We're not going to buy an island, we're going to buy the trailer park.