Trailer Park Boys s04e03 Episode Script

Rub 'N Tiz'zug

[TV host]: The Sasquatch.
Fact or fiction? - Those big hairy monsters , they're real, Trin.
- No, they're not.
- Look at that thing.
What person ever moved like that in the history of people? - Fuck! [TV host]: is nocturnal by nature, so logically there would b e relatively few sightings.
Yet there have been literally hundreds of sighting s all across North America for generations now.
Can all these people be wrong? [phone ringing] - Trevor, stop fucking calling me.
I got no dope.
Hey, Bubs.
You watching this documentary of Saskatchewans - It's Samquanch, Ricky, and there's one outside my fucking door right now.
He's trying to get into my shed.
- Holy shit, Bubbles, I see him.
Don't scare him .
It's worth a lot of money.
Got the cock-sucker, Bubbles .
[screaming] - Get him, Daddy! - Jesus, he took my bat.
He took my- Ah! Crank him, Ricky! Ah! See how big his feet are.
- What the fuck are you guys doing? - Holy fuck, he can talk, Bubbles! - Omigod, Ricky.
That's 'cause he is Julian Julian! - Holy fuck, man.
Are you okay? - What the fuck were you doing, boys? - Sorry, Julian.
We though t you were a Sandsquanch.
- What is going on? - Julian just beat the shi t out of us with a bat.
- God, you guys got problems ! We're going to my mother's I don't want you to see your father in this light.
Have a great time, kids.
- What's that supposed to mean - Good night, Daddy.
- See ya, sweetie.
Lucy, it was an accident.
- Do I have a mark here, Julian? I feel right tender.
- I'm going to bed, boys.
I'm sore as fuck.
Good night - Good night, Ricky.
Top bunk, Julian.
I think Bullard's coming on.
- Fuck that dick.
- Where's Shitrock at? Shitrock? Shitrock? Here, kitty, kitty.
- Hey, Bubbles, you awake? I need some duct tape, Buddy My knee is fucked.
- Hang on, Ricky.
- Got some cereal, man.
It's new.
It's fucking awesome - Oh, yeah? Your knee's fucked, is it? I got some tape somewhere, but if you tape my arm up - I'll look after it.
- Boys, I can't even straighte n my arm up.
Look what you did to me, Rick! - Oh, look who's despicabl y thinking about themselves, huh What about me, Julian? Look at my fucking eye.
See that? And I can't even walk.
Being selfish, man.
- Julian.
Sorry we beat you up .
I really am, but I did think you were a Samsquanch.
- Why are you calling them Samsquanches? - That's what I've called them since I was little.
- Well, they don't exist.
- Bullshit, they don't.
- Alright, this is the deal, boys.
We're gonna be doing some work today.
- No fucking way.
I gotta ge t drunk, I'm sore as fuck.
- No, no, no.
Boys, listen to me.
Boys, boys You're gonna help me steal some furniture.
It's the least you can do.
- I'm too sore, Julian.
- Bubbles, go get some tape.
e We'll tape ourselves up an d we'll go steal some furnitur for Mr.
Fucking Selfish.
Holy fuck, this cereal is good - Fuck, Ricky, there's Barb.
Cut your piss off.
- I can't cut my piss off, Bubbles, you know that.
r - 'Morning, boys.
I hear you beat the shit out of each othe last night with baseball bats.
That was smart.
d I wonder if you could explai n this purchase order I foun for a $2,000 Everlast Wrestling Ring.
- Barb, it's not a wrestling ring, it's more like a multi-purpose community centre.
- It says wrestling ring on the purchase order, so I cancelled it.
And I wonde when you are going to get around to doing those clothesline repairs we talked about? - Actually, we're doing that today.
I just gotta go pick up some clothesline wire- - Ricky! [still urinating] - We gotta pick up some poles, we're gonna fix them today I'm sorry about that.
Bubbles, I'm sorry.
Jesus.
- Good.
That's great.
Julian, if you are serious about buying the park, I want a cash deposit.
Not bottles, not dope, cash.
And I want it today.
Otherwise, I'll list it with a real-estate agent.
- Fuck! - Barb, I'll have the money.
[brakes squealing] - What are those fuckers up to - Probably going for some shitdogs and fries, Mr.
Lahey.
- Randy, I thought we agreed No more shit talk till we're back in power.
You ready for a little B & E ? - Bacon and eggs? - Evidence gathering.
- Just put this on Jim Lahey's account.
Sunnyvale.
e - Ricky, I can't do that.
- I guess you're gonna hav to pay for it yourself, then .
Cause we're fucking taking it.
Fucking Jacob.
Ah.
Fuck! Ah, fucking Jesus! - Careful, Ricky.
Careful.
- Holy fuck, boys.
Cyrus number one.
- It says "Dick" and then the arrow points right to Cyrus.
- Look at this, Randy.
Unopened trailer-park supervisor correspondence.
- It's a good goddamned thin g we're back to take care of shit like this.
- Check this map out, Mr.
Lahey.
Wonder what it's for? - I haven't the foggiest notion.
p But I got a niggling suspicion whatever it is, is gonna hel send Ricky up piss creek for a long time.
- What are you guys doing here?! - Ah, thanks for your concern, ma'am.
We thought, uh, we heard someone breaking in - What's that? - It's some map.
- I'm gonna tell my father - We got Corey and Trevor working on the clothesline The last thing we need is Barb Lahey freaking out on us.
t Where we going now, Ricky? - We're gonna smoke a join and go steal some furniture from Julian.
I know just the place.
The people are stupid and they got the best furniture.
y Government buildings are so easy to rob.
You come during the da and take everything.
No one even says anything.
- Wait.
We're actually about to start a production meeting.
- There's new furniture coming in about five minutes So I'm just gonna take this.
- First, let me call my supervisor, please.
- I'd love to, but we need that phone.
Sorry.
- Hey, excuse me.
Everybody, just put the stuff down, please.
- Just keep that stuff comin g right out here.
- Where are you guys taking this stuff? Just put it down.
You can't have our stuff, okay ? Like, we need this.
We're trying to work here.
- Look, I'm trying to do my job.
Keep it coming.
I need four loaders for the car.
- Who said you could take this stuff? - Paul or Jeff.
Head office.
- Jeff? - I don't know.
- You talked to Jeff? - Yeah.
Everything's cool.
There'll be new shit here in about 10 minutes.
It's a lo t nicer than this shitty stuff - Oh, we're getting new stuff.
- It's brand new, it's great - I just talked to Jeff and we're getting new stuff.
- Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Randy and Lahey broke in and tried to steal this.
- Great, Ricky.
They got hal f the dope map.
Nice work, buddy - It's not a big deal.
They got a little piece and we named all the dope fields after cats, anyway.
They won't have a fucking clue ! - It could've been a big deal! Lahey's gonna try anything to get us thrown back in jail! Alright, we gotta set up a front to distract those dicks.
- How much of the dope map did they get, Ricky? Ouch, boys, I feel like I go t hit by a fucking dump truck.
How much would a massage thing cost me, do you figure? - A massage? - Look, Julian, I know I'm dum b as fuck and stuff but why couldn't we just steal more furniture and fill up these trailers with furniture and fucking open, like, a used - furniture store or some shit - A used-furniture store is not a bad idea, Julian.
Keep Lahey and Randy distracted, make a few bucks.
- Exactly.
Get two birds stoned at once - We're gonna fill the trailer s up with furniture alright.
But we're gonna rent them out by the hour.
- Oh, that's greasy.
- That's really fucking greasy - Yeah, it's greasy.
- Gre-he-he-eeasy! - What's up, Julian, Bubbles, man? You guys look fucked up.
- Don't even want to talk about it.
Look, J-Roc, I'm looking for some ladies.
I know you know what kind of ladies I'm talking about.
- Talk to my manager, bitch.
- Manager? - Yeah, that's right.
I'm representing J-Roc now I'm representing T-Knuckle s and finally I'm taking n these guys' careers to a whole new level and new directio and finally putting Sunnyval e Trailer Park on the map.
- For real.
- For real.
- Look, man, I'm opening u p a massage parlour, alright I need six ladies.
- You talking about opening up a rub-a-tiz'zub, mo-fucker - I'm feeling that.
I'm feeling that.
- A rub 'n' tug? - Yeah.
- Let me talk to you, then .
I'll do you what you want.
I'll get you the ladies.
I'll get you the hos.
It's gonna cost you at least thirty points, homey.
- What do you think, Bubs? - Well, I don't know much about this stuff, Julian.
- They're good hos, man.
I'm telling you.
- What other choice do we have ? He says they're good hos.
- Alright, alright.
Done.
Three o'clock.
- I'll see you then.
I'll be here waiting with the hos.
- Peace out, Sling Blade.
- It's not a sling, J-Roc.
It's duct tape.
Just get the hos.
- This is the perfect opportunity for you right now.
t Massage parlours, hos.
This is the type of greasy shi you need to be associated with .
- Fucking right, boy.
- I'm gonna tell you one other thing, homey.
This type of shit is gonna land the pimp in jail too.
Know what I'm saying? - Jail? I don't play jail, mofo.
- You're gonna have to pla jail.
I'm just letting you know.
Jail is what's gonna make yo u sell records.
The album's coming out.
And hey, T, you gotta make sure that when it goes down, you got the pictures taken for the album cover.
- I'm not going to jail, man - You gotta to sell this record.
- People are gonna be there th e day that that album comes out.
They're gonna be in the stores waiting for that So if he goes to jail, ah, man , it's gonna be perfect.
I'm telling you.
It's gonna go down.
- I don't know about you, man, but I ain't going to jail, man - I ain't going to jail either - Like I'll fucking go to jail , know what I'm saying? 'Cause I'm hard, right.
I ain' t shook about going to jail.
But it's, like, I kinda like m y freedom too at the same time - Boys, if you're here, you better get the fuck over here right now.
- What's up, dude? - Thanks for letting Lahey and Randy break into my trailer, boys.
Real smart - I didn't hear anything.
- 'Cause of your video games - What's going on in here? - Sarah, calm down.
- What did I tell you abou t taking advantage of these guys - I'm not taking advantage of them.
I love those guys - No you don't.
Corey and Trevor are mine now.
I love them.
- Sarah, we've owned Corey and Trevor since they were six So they're coming with us.
Boys, wait outside.
- Okay.
- No, stay.
If you give them $20 right now , you can have them for one hour and they're not leaving the park.
- Fine.
Here's a gram of hash, boys.
Split her up.
- Take it.
- Nice.
u - I said $20! - Here's a little piece for yo to calm down.
- They're staying in the park! - They're not leaving the park .
We're staying in the trailer Give me that hash back.
This stuff is shit.
I'll give you some good stuff later.
Trevor, chips and smokes, let's go.
Let's go.
Boys, you're gonna go to the dump, steal a garbage truck, hook up with us at a hotel , we're gonna move some furniture, okay.
That's it And don't fuck this up, 'cause Julian's counting on you.
He'll kill you.
- Cool.
- Trevor! - Bubbles's cats.
Deciduous trees.
- Mr.
Lahey.
- Jesus, Jim, you look like ah, God! - Barb, what can I do for you? - I thought you should know, I'm having a bit of financial trouble I, uh, I've decided I've got to sell the park.
- Well Barb, who the hell is gonna buy Sunnyvale in the financial state that Ricky's left it in? - Ricky and Julian and Bubbles are gonna buy Sunnyvale.
They're gonna give me a cash deposit tomorrow.
Look, I'm sorry, Jim.
Okay - Jesus, Barb, you gotta be kidding.
- No.
No, I'm not kidding.
- Alright, get three rooms , Ricky.
Okay, nice work with the garbage truck, boys Now we got 4.
5 minutes here.
- How's it going, Captain? - You looking at my gut? - No.
- Yes, you were.
- I just took a little peek.
- I saw ya.
- I'm sorry.
- What are you looking at my gut for? I'm just fucking with ya.
What can I do with you? - We just drove from Toronto for the garbage-truck convention We just want to get a few rooms, couple of hours for a nap.
Take credit card? - Anything you want, Mr.
Lahey - Just call me Jim.
That's cool.
m - Take all the stuff out o f these motel rooms and load the onto the garbage truck.
Leave nothing behind.
We're all sore as fuck, so you two have to do all the loading Do you understand? - Cool, man.
- Trevor? - Yeah, I understand.
- Alright, boys, we're clear .
Hurry up! - Don't wrap the cord up, just take the thing out.
- Time, Bubbles? - Two minutes.
- It's still clear, boys.
- Ow! God.
[crash] - Oh, good going, Corey.
- Oh, yeah! Who's your daddy - Grab the carpet.
- I need something to rip it up, in the corner.
- Use your fingers.
They'r e like fucking skeleton fingers! - Good job, boys.
- Heads up, boys.
You guys might have to fight this guy.
We're too sore.
Whatever you do, do not look at his gut.
What's going on here? There's no furniture.
What the fuck are we suppose d to sleep on? The floor? [grunting] - What's going on here, Mr.
Lahey? Huh? Where's my furniture? It was here two hours ago.
- I don't wanna sleep on a floor and neither do these guys.
- What are you looking at? - Nothing.
- Huh? - Nothing.
- I'm calling the cops, man.
- You can't call the cops.
I should call the cops.
I could sue you.
I rented a room, there's nothing to sleep on but a floor.
- Stop looking at it.
- I'm not.
- Stop looking at it, Bubbles.
- Julian, I'm just reading where it says Vancouver.
- Everybody's looking at it! It's fucking huge.
Let's just get this over with.
Everybody, take a good fucking look.
What's the big deal? It's not a big deal.
Why do you have a problem? - I don't have a problem.
It's you guys who keep looking at it.
- You are fucked.
So what, you got a gut.
It's not a big deal.
Let's go, boys.
- What are you looking at? - Open up the gate, yo! Let's go! - Thanks for coming, ladies.
Know what I'm saying? On such short notice.
- It's gonna be straight-up, know what I'm saying? It's gonna be a cash operation You're all gonna get paid today.
It's gonna be dope.
All high-class, J- Roc up in this mo-fucker - This is "Ten Toes," Mr.
Lahey.
- That's the name of one of Bubbles's new kitties.
- He's got ten toes.
I've seen him, Mr.
Lahey.
- Listen.
The Xs are kittens , Randy.
Sex kittens.
- Prostitution? - Right.
Listen, they've used a cleve r feline simile to throw us off, but if we document everythin g carefully, Randy, we've got them.
- We don't do this all the time.
Know what I mean? We make records, that's what we do.
- J-Roc, can you help me, please? - That's my manager, sucker.
- Julian, what is this shit? We can't work in here.
There's no mattresses, there's no plumbing- , - Shhh! Listen, listen.
We got all kinds of towels beds, clean sheets.
Come on.
- Beds? - Dude man, this shit's all stuck.
Can you open it up? Oh, shit! No, dude! No, no, turn it off! Oh, shit! - Oh, fuck.
- Omigod.
- Nice fucking going! That's Julian's furniture.
- It's not our fault, Ricky.
The switch was wired backwards - Well, you better fucking fix it! - We can't, dude.
We gotta go do Sarah's hair! - We gotta do it, Ricky.
- You're not doing Sarah's hair, you're fixing fucking furniture.
Now get to work.
I'll deal with Sarah.
Nice fucking going, you idiots - Nice one, Trevor.
- Fuck off, Corey.
- Dog, I'm gonna set you up with the Fantasy Island theme room, That's Alexis.
She got a tattoo.
Know what I mean? But it's 40 mo-fuckers, G.
Hit me up.
Have fun.
Know what I'm saying? - Yo, DVS.
Listen, man, I need more ladies, okay? I got all kinds of customers .
Some are walking away.
I'm losing serious cash.
- Alright, I'm on it, dog.
I'm gonna call it right now.
h I'm just letting you know, he keeps a real tight leas on his bitches, man.
- Don't care.
Bring 'em on - I'm gonna call them right now.
Don't worry about a thing.
- Where's Corey and Trevor - Quit staring and fix thi s fucking furniture.
Jesus! - Boys, massages, let's go - We're getting a massage, dude? - No, no.
I want you guys to give the massages.
- No way, Julian.
- Just put those gloves on It's no big deal.
- Get the fuck in there.
- I need your help.
There's not enough ladies here - Forget it, Julian, no.
- Boys, I need your help.
- Are you cool with this, Corey? - Thanks, boys.
- Hurry up, you gotta fix this fucking furniture.
- Here, you two guys are up.
You guys head on in there.
- Where's this guy at, anyway? - Chilll out, Julian.
Cyrus'll be here in a minute , know what I'm saying? - Cyrus? [music blaring] - What the fuck are you doin g working with Cyrus? - Well, well, well.
If it isn' t the big tough Julian.
Duh, Bu-Bu-Bubble telescope, and helmet head.
- Fucking call me a telescope.
- Ladies, the boss is home It's been a long time no see , dickweeds.
- Why don't you take your little gun and fuck off, Cyrus? - Why don't we fuck on? - Julian, where's the hand cream? - I know one of you dickhead s did this to my car.
'Cause you're the only one that knows I failed Grade 10 [all]: You failed Grade 10 ? - Fuck off.
What's this, I'm a fuckhead? Huh? - Actually it says "I'm fucked in the head," 'cause you are - Ricky, where the fuck are Corey and Trevor? I said I wanted them back an hour ago.
- I don't fucking know.
They went home two hours ago - I don't have them.
You must still have them.
[man screaming]: Get your hand s off it! I came for a lady! Not fucking Corey and Trevor! - Julian made me do it.
- Get over here right now! I get home, the trailer's still a mess and I find you guys here jerking off men? - Whoa, whoa! Nothing actually happened yet.
- Shut up.
I don't want to hea r it.
I want you guys to go home and I want you to clean- [gunshots] - Shut the fuck up.
Dirty dancer.
I assume you're running this little shit show.
You owe me some money.
And I want it right fucking now.
- Put the gun away, Cyrus.
- Yeah, Cyrus, why don't you fuck off and go home, ass chin.
- Chill out for a sec.
Listen, I'll give you some money for your ladies tomorrow.
So put your little gun away, because we all know you're not gonna use it.
- Yeah, 'cause you're too afraid.
- You don't think I'm afraid to use this? Dance, boys.
[gunshots] Dance.
- Come on, man.
- There's all kinds of gunfire and shit going down.
- I'm calling the fucking cops right now.
Listen, Ty, this is gonna be your chance You're gonna make sure you got the camera.
This is the album cover, mo-fucker.
- I'm serious! I want my money or someone'll get shot - This is our park, Mr.
Lahey! I can't stand around and take this bullshit.
- I'll take all three of you crippled fuckheads on at the same time, or are you scared? - Cyrus, we're not scared of you.
We're just all too sore to fight you because me and Ricky thought Julian was a Samsquanch monster and we beat each other up with baseball bats.
- Friggin' Cyrus.
- Randy takes his pants of f now when he wants to fight He can't fight in tight pants.
He's worried about ripping his precious little pants.
When the pants come off, look the fuck out.
- No one here is man enough to knock this chip off my shoulder.
Huh? , - I am, Cyrus.
I'm way mor e of a man than you'll ever be you dirty bitch.
- Is that right? - Mm-hmm.
- Well, what are you gonna do? Hmm? Squish me with that whale blubber, there, fruity nuts? - Kiss my hand and say I'm a little bitch - You're a little bitch.
- Say it like you mean it! - I'm a little bitch.
- Alright, alright.
That's enough.
You beat him.
- Now frig off, Cyrus.
Get the hell out of here.
And stay the hell out of Sunnyvale! - Fuck off.
I got work to do.
- Yo, J, come on, man.
Seriously, yo.
Get into character, mo-fucker.
We worked hard for this shit - I got this shit.
- Smoking track The album! Just think of the album cover.
- Someone want to tell me what the hell is going on here - I'll tell you, bitch.
- Bitch?! You call me "bitch"? - I shot the place up! - You didn't call me "bitch" ! - Those are my bitches, there, and I'm on crack! - Crack? - See that pipe? That's real shit.
- Keep shooting, T.
[shouting] - Representin' Sunnyvale hard as fuck! - Hold it down, J! Sunnyvale! - What the fuck was that? What are you doing, J-Roc? - Was that real crack he was smoking? - Here, man, you want some chips.
What are you doing here, Lahey ? Get the fuck out of here.
- Watch what you're saying , or you'll be fucking next.
- I'm not afraid of you, Randy .
- I'm not scared of you either - You're lucky I'm fucking sor e right now, I'll tell you that.
- Hey, Ricky.
He's your folk art.
[snickering] - Fuck off, dicksmack.
- Guess you won't be needing i t anymore, will you, Ricky? - See, Julian, it's not bad.
We can take the tin foil off the walls if you want.
- Just leave it.
It looks cool .
- I like the tin foil too.
I think- - Fuck! Are Corey and Trevor fucked in the head? Who can't fix a fucking chair? - Rick, that's the least of ou r concerns right now, alright.
- Jesus Christ! What do you mean? - Well, Rick, we don't have any money.
The cops seized all the cash from the fucking rub 'n' tug - How much do we have left ? - Forty bucks.
- That's it? - Well, you guys want to get something to eat?