Trailer Park Boys s04e05 Episode Script

Conky

- Listen up, guys.
I need to talk to you.
, Sorry I haven't been able to look after you properly lately but there's just too many of youse around.
Your parents have been banging like crazy.
There's just so many of youse around right now and I've been losing focus , because I'm in a lot of fucking pain.
But the pain I'm about to feel is nothing compared to what I've been feeling by neglecting you little guys.
Oh - Corey and Trevor are fucking lazy.
At least if we ask Bubbles to fucking fertilize the plants, we know it'll get done.
- Shhhh! Listen.
[moaning and crying] - What the fuck's he doing in there? - You cocksucker! - Fuck! - Omigod! What happened? - Bubbles, you just broke my fucking nose! [music] - I'm sorry, Ricky.
I didn't know you guys were there.
Sorry.
Are you alright? - Come on, come on, get up - Get up, Ricky.
Are you okay? - That looks like a clean break.
You'll be okay.
Here, stick this on your nose.
And get rid of that smoke.
Head back.
- U.
N.
President J.
Edgar Hoover once said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country".
- It's waving, Mr.
Lahey.
- It's guaranteed tent, Randy.
That's what we're trying to do here in Sunnyvale.
We're trying to get the community to take responsibility for itself.
No more free handouts.
No power hook-ups, no dope growing or anything.
A community spirit rests on the amount of gratuity that the community will give back to itself.
That's why Randy and I - we're back in power now - we thought a bake sale would be a great idea as a kind of meet-and-greet.
- Yeah, it'd be a great idea to bring people in the community together and to throw a more dollars back in the Sunnyvale Community Fund.
- That Community Fund, by the way, was denuded by the outgoing Supervisor , who shall remain nameless.
- Ricky.
- Ricky.
- Mr.
Lahey! [crashing] - Hey! Hey! - Hey! They're stealing! - Stop stealing! - This is your fund.
This is your community.
- Holy shit, Bubbles, your face is fucked! - Oh, it's not that bad.
- No, no, no.
You let that toothache go way too long.
- I can get her out.
- Open up.
Let me take a look.
- No, it's no problem.
- Let me take a look.
Open up.
- Julian.
- Bubbles, open up.
Oh, yeah.
Your jaw is totally infected, man.
We gotta take you to the hospital, buddy.
- No fucking way, Julian.
I don't go to the hospital .
You know that.
r - You went to the hospital when you fucked your arm ove fixing carts, Bubbles.
You gotta go.
- But, boys, I had Conky with me that time.
- Conky! Don't even say that fucking name.
I hate that little fucker.
- In Grade Six, Bubbles made this puppet he called Conky.
- What a little asshole.
- He took it with him everywhere.
It was kind of like his confidante.
- His what? - Never mind.
Anyway, we had to take Conky away, because it fucked Bubbles' mind up big time.
- Yeah, even though Bubbles was Bubbles, he was two people at the same time.
And he'd try to act like this other person, but he was still Bubbles.
It was fucked.
- Yeah, Randy, stand by.
I might need backup.
Hey, nice look, Ricky.
What are you doing? Picking up rag sniffing now? - Ah! My God, Lahey.
Careful - Those two shit-rats just pissed on 40 dollars' worth of eclairs at the bake sale.
And Stinkster and Daisy were doing it in front of the kids.
- My God.
- You better get that looked at.
It looks like it might be infected.
- It is fucking infected, dickwad.
What was your first fucking clue? - Written warning.
You keep those damn cats under control, Bubbles.
Your status here as tenant in Sunnyvale is tenable to say the least.
You don't want to put it i n jeopardy now, do you, Bubbles? - Frig off, Mr.
Lahey.
Julian, Lahey's right.
I haven't been looking after them right, because I've been in too much pain.
- Come on, hospital.
Let's go.
- No! I'm not going.
- You don't want to fuck with infection.
It's dangerous Ricky, put that down.
Come on.
- It's fucking stuck to me .
Stupid fucking thing.
- Boys, what are we doing at this dirty old swamp.
- I just gotta check something out, Bubbles.
- I gotta get this fucking truck off my hand, boys.
It's driving me fucking nuts ! - Here, Ricky.
Just, look, you can unhook the trailer.
That's not glued to you.
- Fuck! - Ricky, get rid of that rag You must've stopped bleeding by now, man.
That's disgusting.
- What the fuck?! Ah! It's fucking glued to my face.
- Oh, don't pull on it, Ricky.
That's contact cement.
It'll rip the skin right off you.
- Fuck! - One time I was making a mode I and I glued the wing to a B-17 bomber to my bird by accident.
- What? - I was taking a pee.
Do you remember that time I was walking funny for a couple of weeks? I had a wing on my bird.
, - Jesus.
Well, now, I got a fucking rag glued to my face a truck glued to my hand.
This is bullshit.
- Don't worry about that.
We'll deal with that later Bubbles, just wait right here.
We'll be back in a minute.
- Julian, this is fucked! - Don't you guys think I'm going to the hospital, 'cause I'm not.
- Julian, I don't know where it is.
It was fucking Grade Six.
I was drunk.
I don't know where I threw the little fucker.
- Ricky, you're gonna have to try to remember, alright? He's not gonna go to the hospital without it Think! If that infection spreads, man , it's gonna cause mental illness.
It's gonna be dangerous.
I'm telling you right now.
- Well, it's in one of these fucking swamps somewhere.
I dunno.
Just keep looking.
It's not my fucking fault.
- Describe where you threw it again.
- In here somewhere.
I was drunk.
- There's a pond, Rick.
Is this it? - I dunno, Julian.
I don't remember any of this - Well, check it anyway.
I'm gonna look over here.
- Fuck Fuck.
Holy fuck, I found him, Julian [eerie music] You little fuck-face! - Remember, Ricky, he's only a doll, okay? - I fucking hate him, Julian .
- Just ignore him.
We've got to do this.
Let's go.
- You fuck with me and it's fucking on, I'll tell you that.
You little bastard.
- Julian, this fucking tooth is killing me.
Can't we just rip it out? Alright, she's settled.
We're ripping her out.
Let's get a rock and smash it.
- Bubbles, I've got something for you.
- Omigod.
Conky! Conky, where have you been Omigod! Omigod, I've missed you.
I thought you were dead for sure.
- I thought you were dead too, you little bastard.
- Luckily I don't need oxyge n to live underwater like you do.
Stupid! - Julian, it's starting already.
I'm telling you right now, if you fuck with my Conky, I'm gonna fuck with you.
- Ricky, Ricky.
- I'm out of here.
- Ricky, I need your help here, okay? We gotta get him to the hospital or he could go into a coma - What, a coma? A coma? I'm going into a coma? - No, no, probably not.
You're gonna be fine, Bubbles.
- What's it like in a coma ? - Why don't you ask Conky if it's okay to go to the hospital.
a - Conky, do you think do yo u think it would be a good ide for me to go to the hospital and get that fixed? - Well, I think it might b e a good idea to go on an adventure with Julian and Ricky! [laughter] - Final warning, there, fuck-face.
Final warning.
- Hey, Rand.
I gave Bubbles his ultimatum Hey, Sarah.
How's it going I got some eclairs to replac e the ones that were ruined.
- Good thing.
Lucy and I hav e been working really hard to hold this shit together .
- Yeah, I know.
- What is this money going t anyway, Lahey? The liquor store? - It's going to the community.
- Okay, what the fuck's been eating these? - Eating them? Cats! Randy, we've got to do something about the shit-rat problem - Seriously, though, what's this money going to - Listen, Lucy, don't you worr y about the money.
I'm the Trailer Park Supervisor.
I know exactly where this mone y is going.
Come on, Rand.
[maniacal laughter] [moaning] - It's okay, Bubs.
It's okay - Can I help you? - Yes, you can.
My friend' s got an abscessed tooth.
We need someone to take a look at it.
- No, we don't, actually, Julian.
Let's just get the fuck out of here.
I'm fine.
- Um, uh, I'm sorry, sir.
There's no smoking.
And is this gentleman with you too? - Yeah, I'm fucking with him .
What do you mean, no smoking - And what is your problem, sir? - Well, now I can't smoke.
That's my first problem.
I've got a busted nose.
Which I now have a rag glued to.
And a fucking truck glued to my hand.
How's that for a start? - And he's fucked in the head.
He needs a brain transplant.
- Conky, I'm serious.
You better fuck off.
- Washington, code white, please.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Want a piece of me, you little dick? - Ricky! - Don't you touch me.
- What is the gentleman's first name? - Bubbles.
- And what is his last name? - Uh, just Bubbles.
- Get the fuck away from me.
- Okay, and do you gentlemen all live at the same civic address - He lives in my shed.
Ricky lives in his car.
- Okay.
And, um any health cards? Social Insurance numbers? Is there any information you can give me? - I do have one last bit of information for you.
This is called the double whammy, which I only bring out for special occasions, alright So why don't you and your whole hospital fuck off You won't help me.
It's 'cause I live in a car.
Is that what it is? Fuck! Holy Fuck! - You guys can fuck off.
- What the fuck is this shit I live in a car, you won't fix me up or help my friend? - Nice going, Ricky.
- Fuck you, Conky.
Fuck! - Crazy octo-eyed motherfuckers.
- Frig off, Washington.
Are you happy now, Julian? Bubbles is going to go into a coma and die probably You idiots.
- Conky, please.
Just don't.
- Bubbles, don't worry.
I'll get that tooth out somehow, alright? - Who can go fuck whoseself? Now you fuck off, you little fucker.
- Rick, who the hell are you talking to? - The fucking squirrel on my shoulder just told me to fuck off.
- Ricky, you're hallucinating.
- Get a hold of yourself, Ricky.
Ricky, you just pissed on me - Well, you pulled me away - Just pretend you're on mushrooms, alright Just go with it.
Come on, let's go.
- There they are, Randy.
We got 'em, boy.
Where'd you get the cookies? Where'd you get the cookies, boys? - Get up.
- On the car.
Get up.
- I paid for those.
A legal transaction.
- Those cookies were stole from the bake sale this morning.
- That's right.
You're stealing them.
- Why don't you call the cop s and tell them that we stole your cookies .
- That's a darn good idea.
I think I just might do that - Wait, don't call the cops, dude.
Come on, don't, don't.
Ow! - Okay, I tell you what.
You do me a little favour, I won't call the cops.
I want you to round up all of Bubbles' cats and bring them to me.
[maniacal laughter] - Bubbles, Bubbles, cool it.
Just stop that Conky stuff, man.
Get in the car.
- It's bad enough I gotta deal with fucking breathing in this shit.
I probably got brain whatever it's called or, mental, fuck I just can't deal with you .
You know that? I can't fucking deal with you.
[maniacal laughter] - Bubbles, stop with the Conky stuff.
- Julian, I can't be responsible for every little thing that comes out of his mouth, you know.
- I should've left you in the fucking swamp, you know.
That's where you belong, in that fucking swamp.
- Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? - I'm a good boy, Bubbles.
Get in, Julian.
[laughter] - Ricky.
Ricky, Ricky.
[Conky yelling] - Are you sure you want to use the Community Fund for this, Mr.
Lahey? - The cat population in the park is Malthusian in scope, Randy.
We have no choice.
- This is hard, Mr.
Lahey.
They're scratching the shit out of us.
- The cat's in heat, Trevor, and you're wearing a leopard-print coat? Smart.
Real smart.
- You know, I think we shoul d get paid more.
- No possible way.
Put the shit-rats in the car - Well, when are we getting paid? - Shut up, Trevor.
The shift's not over.
Get back to work Goddamned shit-monkeys.
- What did you say? - Move on, Trevor.
Moving on - Holy fuck, boys.
Sam's got his vet open again He could take out your tooth , Bubbles.
- Well, I got my veterinar y practice up and running again, which is great.
It took a lot of bullshit, and I'm on probation for two years with the Veterinary Associatio n of Canada, but it's nice to be back doing what I really love to do.
- No fucking way, boys.
You're not thinking of letting that big square-headed, greasy bastard work on my tooth, are you? - Bubs, Bubs, if he can take a cat's tooth out, he can take your tooth out , okay? It's basically the same thing.
Alright, here's the deal.
Ricky and I are gonna go case the joint out, make sure everything's cool, because Sam's fucked.
We can get him to do this, Bubbles.
What do you think? - Alright, Julian.
I don't give a fuck anymore.
I just want this dirty fucking tooth out of my mouth.
- Bubs, it's going to be okay, alright? You wait here, we'll get the situation under control, then come and get you.
Conky , get the fuck out of my face.
You gotta get that thing under control, Bubbles.
He's driving me nuts.
- Come on, Rick.
- You're not gonna listen to Ricky, are you, Bubbles You're a lot smarter than he is.
- Conky, don't start.
- Well, well, well, what do we have here? Jim Lahey's car is at the vet.
- What's Lahey doing here? - Why don't you go find out, Bubbles.
Or are you too scared? - Conky, you better fuck off , I'm telling ya.
- Fuck off? You just remember I call the shots here, Bubbles.
You got it? - Yes, Conky.
- Good.
- Ninety-seven dollars per cat Ninety-seven dollars? - Okay, let's go take a look around.
- We got at least 25 cats back at the park.
Ninety-seven dollars? Taxes in? - Lahey? Randy? What the fuck are you guys doing here? - Conky? - Looking trim, Randy.
- Why in the fuck do you guy s have my kitties at the vet - I gave you written warning .
Now we're using the proceeds- - For what? To have my kitties killed? You're having my kitties killed! - Bubbles, Jesus! [screaming and meowing] - I'll kill you, Randy! - Give it to him, Bubbles.
- I'll kill you! - Bubbles! Bubbles! You got the wrong idea! Let him go! - What the fuck? Julian, it must be the fumes .
I'm hallucinating, man.
It looks like Bubbles has wings on his back and he's strangling Mike Bullard.
- Fuck, it is Bubbles.
Come on .
- What? Is he strangling Mike Bullard? - No, it just looks like it.
It's Randy.
- Open the door, I'm going in.
- Where'd you get the gun? - Doesn't matter.
Open it.
- Let him go, Bubbles! Bubbles, let him go! - Hands over your heads! - Bubbles, stop it! - Put the fucking gun down, Sam.
Fuck! [gunshots] - Don't shoot, Ricky.
- What's the matter, shitclamp ? Out of darts? Huh? - Don't worry, Sam, Ricky wouldn't hurt a flea - I said shut the fuck up, Conky.
Don't you fucking move, Sam.
We're probably going to jail over all this bullshit.
Thanks a lot.
But before we do, you're going to fucking give us a hand.
Au gratin.
- Sorry, Sam, but Bubbles' tooth has to come out.
Unfortunately, you are our only option now.
e - Forget about it, Julian.
I'v e already lost my practice onc because of you guys.
And thi s shit's still trying to kill me - Sam, shut the fuck up, alright? Or next time, I'm not going to miss, I fucking promise you that , - You were one of the reason s we went back to jail last time so you owe us.
- I owe you?! - Sam, just take out the fucking tooth.
Come on.
, - Look, having a gunfight in the middle of my office I'm sure is a breach of my probation.
Okay, so you want to shoot, shoot.
Go ahead.
- Look, take out the tooth and I'll get you out of this with the cops.
It's not a big deal, alright Holy fuck, purple squirrels! [gunfire] - There's no fucking squirrels .
Keep that down.
- No more gunplay! Fuck, if the cops aren't already on their way, they're on their way now, okay?! So if you stop the gunplay , I'll do whatever you want.
Anything.
- Why don't you just shoot off your gun some more, very recklessly like? Idiot! - Did you just call me an idiot, Conky? Huh? - Maybe I did Raveen.
- Alright, "Raveen" is taking it a little too far, alright, you little fucker - ? He's the fucking man they call? - Don't say it, Bubbles.
- ? Raveen? - That's it.
I have fucking ha d it with you.
- Ricky, you're pointing a loaded handgun at a puppet - Yes, I am.
- Behind the puppet is our friend.
The bullet will go through the doll and kill Bubbles.
Give me the gun.
- I gotta kill this puppet , Julian.
- Ricky, give me the gun.
Give it to me.
- Oh, those were excellent negotiation tactics you used.
.
Patrick Swayze.
- That's not funny, Bubbles.
- ? Oh my Julian? ? My handsome Julian? ? Patrick Swayze? ? You were so fucking sex y in Roadhouse? ? Fucking Dirty Dancing? - My God! Julian, what happened? - I'm sorry, buddy.
You were going crazy on us, man.
- Smoking much dope lately , boys? You guys are fucked.
- Fuck off, Sam.
- Fuck, the cops are here, boys.
- Alright, I got an idea.
It's pretty fucked up, but it might work, okay? - Is that dog pee? - Yeah, hold this, Bubbles .
I'd say we got about a 10% chance of getting out of this one, boys.
- Attention.
This is the police.
Put down your weapons - Is that George Green? - That's definitely him.
- Wicked.
Forget what I said Our chances just went up to 95%.
Julian, give me your drink .
- No way, Ricky.
- Do you want to go to jail? Give me your fucking drink - What are we going to do? - I repeat.
This is the police Come out with your hands up.
- Fucking idiot.
Alright, Bubbles, here's what I want you to do.
Poor that on them.
Make it loo k like they pissed themselves.
Julian, take the darts out of them.
George, it's Ricky! Randy and Lahey are in here! They're drunk as fuck! They've been drinking all day! They came here fucking around, but we got it under control! Come on in slowly, just take your time! Fuck, boys, here they come .
- Ricky, get your darts out.
Not your cigarette darts, these darts.
Pull them out.
- Take them out for me, Bubs - Oh.
Hey, there, George.
Karen.
- Nobody move.
- No, we're not moving.
- Would somebody mind telling me what the hell is going on here .
We got a report of gunfire - There's no gunfire.
My car backfired out front s That was all.
Look, Bubbles ha d an appointment for his cat and me and Julian brought him down here.
, These two idiots showed up , drunk as fuck, starting shit mumbling something about shit-wolves.
Then they pissed themselve s and passed out.
I don't fucking know.
They're fucked.
You know that.
- Sam? - Exactly.
That's exactly what happened, George.
- I can smell the booze from here.
- No shit.
- Can you smell the pee? Look at the piss on them.
- You going to want to press charges here, Sam? - No, I just want them out o f here.
I have a practice to run - Karen.
- Ricky, we can help them, uh We can help you, George.
- Yeah, we'll give you a hand, George.
- No problem.
- Deal's a deal, Sam.
, - No problem, Julian.
You get Bubbles back in here I'll set up my table and we'll get that tooth out, okay? - Can you get that fucking rag and model off Ricky too? - Sure, Julian.
- Look at the size of that cocksucker, boys.
- Holy fuck.
- I know.
- Boys, what the fuck is up with me getting shot with three darts and it didn't even affect me I must be, like, a superhero or something.
- Maybe you've got so much dop e in your system you're immune, Rick.
- Well, if that's the case then, Julian, he is like a superhero - Fucking right.
- Holy fuck, Ricky, you know who you are? - Who? - You're Dope-Man! He can smoke a pound in a single bound.
- Hey, guys, what's up? You seen Lahey and Randy around? We gathered up all your cats and we can't find them anywhere.
- Haven't seen them? - You helped round up my cat s to have them killed? - What are you talking about Lahey's getting your cats spayed, not put to sleep.
- You should know we wouldn't do that, Bubbles - Give me a break.
- Omigod, boys.
What have we done to Lahey and Randy? - Fuck 'em.
[mumbling] - Where are we, Mr.
Lahey? - I think we're in the drunk tank, Randy.
Looks like you pissed yourself , bud.
- You pissed yourself too, Mr.
Lahey.
- Oh, not again.
- Boys, maybe I could keep his glasses and his little sweater - No fucking way, Bubbles.
- Come on, buddy.
[crying] - Fuck you, Conky.