Trailer Park Boys s04e06 Episode Script

- Look at all this trampled! - Alright, calm down.
- Look at all the weed that's fucking ruined! Look at this, boys.
This is fucking snapped.
These are all fucking trampled .
There's a god-damned road running through here.
Everything was going so fucking good.
All the plants were growing.
We planted all four fields They were growing a lot bigger than I expected.
No! Something had to fuck it up.
Now I've got weed being crushed, plants snapped off.
And something or something is fucking around here and it's pissing me off.
Somebody is definitely fucking with our weed.
- Or "something" is.
- Here, boys.
- Potato guns.
You just spray hairspray in the bottom there and then hit it with these barbeque lighters and a fucking potato will shoo t out of there about 400 MPH - Here's the hairspray, boys .
Here's the lighters.
Okay? - Be careful, 'cause they really fucking hurt.
I shot myself in the face by accident one time.
- Come on, man.
Why don't we got real guns - Do you want to go to jail? Don't screw this up, Corey - Geez! - Yeah, don't fuck this up - Yo, we got this.
- You're making me look bad.
- Are you guys fucked in the head? We're over here.
Take off the blindfolds.
And don't fuck those up.
They're my hockey socks.
Trevor, hands down.
- Listen.
[growling.]
- What the fuck is that? - Listen.
Holy fuck, boys, what if it's a Samsquantch It could be.
- They don't exist, Bubbles.
- Julian, you try telling that to all the people that got eaten by them.
Dirty bastards.
- Boys, I'll tell you who it is.
It's probably fucking Lahey.
- God, I hope it's not a Samsquantch.
Fuck, I hate those bastards.
[screaming.]
[growling.]
- Holy shit! Holy fuck! Get the fuck off! - Ow! Fuck! Ow! Help me, Corey! - Jesus, fuck! [blast.]
- Ow, fuck! I'm fucking shot , you idiots! Fuck! [screaming.]
- You alright, man? - Fuck, something's got them ! [screaming.]
- Come on, get up.
- Boys! - What the fuck is going on over there? - Boys, what was it? - Man, I don't fucking know.
- Omigod, boys.
We are officially dealing with a fucking Samsquantch It's probably a ten-footer , by the looks of that stuff - Could somebody check and see if my back's cut up, please? - Turn around.
- Holy shit, dude.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
He'll be okay.
- Can we get the fuck out of here, please? We should probably get these guys to the hospital anyway.
- Boys, no fucking way, man.
- Come on, Ricky, I'm scared - We gotta leave these guys here to protect the weed plants - No, no, no.
These guys are hurt, Ricky We're taking them back to the park.
We gotta regroup and figure ou t what the hell that thing was - They're not getting in m y fucking car.
They're bleeding.
- Come on.
- Blood doesn't come out, boys You're not fucking getting in my car.
- Here, Ricky, give me the chips.
Hold this, Julian Here.
Here.
- Ow! Fuck, Bubbles, they're salt-and-vinegar.
- Ow, what are you doing? - Bandages.
- You know what? u All you guys do now is complain.
I'm gonna start calling yo "little complainey twins.
" How would you like that? - We're not that hurt, Ricky.
We can probably finish the shift.
We can go back to work.
Let's go, Corey.
- Oh, no, boys, let's go.
We'll get you fixed up.
You're gonna fucking bleed to death.
Come on.
- Fuck, boys, the lights are on.
She's probably fucking awake - She's gonna be wild, Ricky - I did try.
I tried - Shhh! - Ow! Oh, that's awful.
- Guys, listen to me- - Where the fuck have you guys been? - You guys are gonna have to work in the morning, alright - Holy fuck.
What happened t o you guys? What'd you do, Ricky - Nothing.
You know what? We found these guys drunk in a ditch.
They were on drugs , beating each other up.
As a friend, I brought them home so they didn't hurt each other - They'll tell you some othe r lies, but that's what happened - That's bullshit, Ricky.
- Trevor, smokes, let's go - Trevor, don't you dare.
- Trevor, let's go.
Let's go.
- I only have one left.
I wann a save it for the morning.
- Trevor, give me the smoke.
- Give me that fucking smoke Let's go.
- You know what, Ricky? I know you didn't find them drunk You took them out and you fucked them over again e Do you know these guys talk about how cool you ar d all the fucking time? They worship the fucking groun you walk on and you treat them like shit You should try being nice to them for a change.
- We love you, Ricky.
- Hands down, you guys.
- Trevor, let's go, light.
- You want to get into this respect bullshit, okay, y I'm willing to give these two guys the responsibilit of protecting the most important thing in my life right now That's big-time respect and trust.
I'm gonna pay them four bucks an hour.
- You don't get it, Julian I'm gonna take them inside and get them cleaned up and you guys can get the fuck out of here and take care of your own little fucking dope plants Corey and Trevor, inside right now.
Go! - I wouldn't mind making four bucks an hour, Sarah.
- We'd love to hang out with you guys and hire you, but apparently it's clear who makes the pants here.
- Sarah, they wanna hang out with us.
Please.
- Inside, right now.
Right now.
Go! - What about tomorrow? Can we have them tomorrow? - No.
You can't ever have them again, Ricky.
Go fuck yourself - Go fuck myself? - Sorry, Sarah.
- Corey we'll pick you guys up tomorrow, alright? [yelling.]
[car driving away.]
- Boys, we gotta figure ou t what the fuck that thing was and deal with this dope problem.
We're not gonna have enough money to buy the park if this keeps happening, boys.
We're fucked.
- I figured it out, man.
It's no big deal.
I'm gonna get a tent and go fucking camp in that field.
Five, ten guns.
A big bag of dope.
I'm gonna fucking take care of it.
I'm going to that field and on e of us isn't coming out alive It's not gonna be me.
- No guns, Ricky.
Go to bed, alright? We've gotta get up early tomorrow.
- Ricky, you can hang out with me in my shed for a bit - Got any food? - I got bologna.
Julian, you want a bologna sandwich? Slow-fry bologna? - I'll take one sandwich.
- Hang out with me for a bit - Yeah, since, uh, Randy and I have been back in charge, t we've been making great stride s at collecting the back ren and beautifying Sunnyvale.
Now Barb says that Ricky and the jackass trio are threatening to take it all away.
Those idiots won't be buying anything except a one-way ticket back to con college and they'll be on full scholarship when they get there.
- Ricky, check this out.
It' s some kind of a nest or a bed or something, man.
- Jesus Christ.
Julian, I've been watching the Crocodile Hunter, man, and it shouldn't be that fucking hard to catch this thing.
- Boys, come here.
Look what I found! Here's where the big son of a whore's been fucking running out of the field.
- Holy fuck! Look at all the weed.
Bubbles, hold the binoculars If this thing is down there, Julian, I want you to shoot him, t I'm gonna jump on top of the cock-sucker with the ne and we're gonna have to beat him with everything we got I could need some help from you dicks, alright.
You hear that there, Mr.
Microphone Man? If we get these thing down you fucking jump in and help us! - Frig off, Ricky.
- Don't tell me to frig off.
If he attacks you, I'm not even gonna jump in - Boys, I slipped in poop! Bigfoot poop! Do I got Bigfoot poop on me? For fucksakes.
- Holy shit, boys, don't move.
So that's who's been eatin g our weed.
- You little fuck.
Okay, you guys stay here.
I'll throw a net on him, and choke him out.
- Ricky, put the net down.
You're not fucking choking him out.
- Why?! - It's just a big kitty, boys.
I can deal with this.
I know kitties.
- What if he has radies? - It's rabies, not radies.
And he doesn't have rabies He's been eating weed for a fucking month.
He's baked out of his goddamned mind.
I can tell just the way he's standing there.
He only did that to Trevor because he had that leopard-print jacket on See? H's just a big, stoned, horny kitty with the munchies.
Trevor was eating chips,too.
Who's a good boy? - Bubbles, we gotta get ri d of this fucking cat.
- Ricky, he's beautiful! We're not getting rid of him We're taking him back to the trailer park and putting him through rehab.
Come on, boy.
- Fuck.
Julian, this is fucked! - Who's a good boy? You look kind of French, with your little moustache I'm gonna call you Steve French.
That's a good name for you .
Who's a good boy? Steve French.
Boys, we gotta get some food into Steve French, I'd say, or he's gonna start getting wild again.
What do you got to eat in there, Julian? - I've got some fajitas.
- Fajitas will work perfect.
All we gotta do is grind u p a little bit of dope and put it in with them to start weaning him off the stuff.
Get some dope out, Ricky.
Come on, I know you got some - I only got personal left.
I' not giving him any fucking dope.
- I know you got a bunch in that Caddie.
Go grab some - Come on, he needs dope.
He's just a helpless little kitty - Bubbles, listen to me.
Thi s isn't a helpless little kitty, this is a dangerous fucking kitty.
You know he's gotta go, right? Remember the saying "If you love something, set it free"? - I know.
"If it comes back, it's yours.
If it doesn't, it never was.
w I've heard it a thousand times , but he needs our help right no and the best thing to do is to get some weed in the fajitas Now let's do it.
- This is all I got left.
I'll give him some, but I'm eating half those fajitas.
You hear that, Steve, or whatever the fuck your name is - Steve French.
Julian, don' t let him eat all the fajitas.
They're for Steve French.
- Hands off the fajitas.
- I'm eating half of them! , - You hang on, okay, Steve French? Climb up there hang out and give me two seconds and I'll have a big plate of weed-jitas for ya.
[growling.]
- Mr.
Lahey! There's there's a tiger outside.
It's eating it ate my cheeseburgers! Mr.
Lahey! Some kind of tiger.
It attacked me.
It ate seven cheeseburgers - You set up this elaborat e charade to cover eating seven cheeseburgers? You ate seven cheeseburgers? Randy, you promised me this would never happen again.
- I'm not lying about this .
It was a great big tiger thing Look, it puts it's teeth right through the mustard and ate all the burgers! I'm not lying, Mr.
Lahey.
- Tiger, huh? [Bubbles.]
: Steve French! - Maybe those jerks have something to do with this - Lahey, did you see anythin g weird going on around here - Yeah, Randy just got attacke d by a tiger.
- That's right.
It ate seven burgers, Julian - I'm calling the authorities.
- Lahey, think about that.
d You're gonna call George Green and tell him Randy got attacke by a tiger that ate his cheeseburgers Come on, it was probably Randy .
- It wasn't.
- Randy, get a net.
I'm gonna get my bow.
I'm gonna the bottom of this and you better not be behind it.
- Lahey, you're gonna look like an idiot again.
Fuck! Viagra? - Julian, we found him.
- Well, lock him in your shed.
- He was down, fucking aroun d with Donnie's garbage and then he pooped on the hood of Mrs.
Peterson's car.
Alright, you go lay down right there, Steve French, okay? And I'll be right with you You just have a nice nap.
- Close it up, Ricky.
- Close it up, Julian.
- Boys, we gotta get some weed into him, I'm telling you.
Before we let him go.
- What the fuck are you guys doing?! This is private fucking property! - We know there's a fuckin g animal in here, Ricky.
Tracks lead right to shit-town .
What the fuck's going on? - What the hell are you talkin g about, Lahey, you idiot? Look, this is none of your fucking business.
We know what's going on here .
You're trying to fill my feet.
Guess what, Lahey, you will never, ever be the fucking trailer-par k supervisor I was.
Got that You're fucking losing it, bud.
- You know what, Ricky? You already lost it.
It's gone, bud.
Whatever it is, whatever you are - gone.
He who looks into the abys s realizes that there's nothin g looking back at him.
They only thing he sees is his own character, Ricky.
You understand, bud? The abyss? The shit abyss? - Means deep stuff, Ricky.
You wouldn't understand.
- What does it mean, then, Randy? Huh? What the fuck does it mean ? - I understand it.
- Oh, you do, do you? No, you don't.
Because it's fucked Because everything you asshole say you fucking take from books.
Guess what, I don't steal anything from books.
You guys get the fuck out of here.
Get the fuck out of here I'm serious.
Fucking take your net with you - Frig off, Ricky! - Oh, we caught a little animal! Oh, there's a big fucking animal in the trailer park! Fucking dicks.
Get the fuck out of here! - Shit abyss.
I'm not scared o f the shit abyss.
Lahey's fucked s - Yeah, well if Lahey sees Steve French and call the Department of Lands and Forests, we're fucked, boys.
- What the fuck would they do? - Did you see that tattoo under Steve French's ear? - No.
- Well, there's one there and they use it for tracking .
They'll be able to track him right back to our dope field .
Cops, jail.
Fuck jail.
I'm not going back to jail , Ricky.
Not gonna happen.
- Julian, don't be dissing jail.
We've had some good fucking parties in there.
We have good friends in there.
They fed you, you use their gym.
Come on, don't be dissing jail It's not fucking cool.
- Boys, boys, boys.
Right now, we gotta find somewhere to put Steve French for a little while.
That's the task at hand Over where J-Roc used to hide his skin mags Come on, Steve French.
I don't know, boys.
He might get scared under there.
- He'll be fine, Bubbles.
It's just for an hour or so, until we can figure something out.
- You hide under there, and we'll be back for you.
- Alright, boys, I'll go- [screaming.]
J- Roc? [screaming.]
- Who let that thing out of the zoo? - J-Roc? - What are you mo-fuckers doin g here, know what I'm saying - Boys, calm down.
That's my kitty in there.
- You need to control that mo-fucker, man.
- He won't hurt you.
He's just- - Yeah, okay.
A lion, yeah - What the fuck are you doin g here? Thought you were in jail - Mo-fucker, as far as you'r e concerned I am in jail, know what I'm saying? My moms don't even know, yo.
- He only got sentenced to community service, man, and community service does not sell records, man - Alright, alright.
So let me get this straight.
You're hiding underneath the trailer, pretending you're in jail? - I ain't pretending! Alright, I am pretending I'm in jail.
- I had no idea.
I thought- - Don't tell nobody, though! [growling.]
[smashing.]
- Can we talk about getting some weed into Steve French and calming him down? - Bubbles, where the fuck did you find a lion at, man? - I ain't going back there .
- Fuck that, man! - Ah, fuck! He's gone! [sniffing.]
[growling.]
- Trevor, what the hell are you doing in our trailer [growling.]
- What are you doing?! [smashing sounds.]
- Trevor! Stop, drop and roll, Trevor! - That's for fire, Randy.
Trevor, ball up, boy! Trevor, ball up, make yourself as small as possible! - Trevor, what the fuck is going on here? - I don't want to talk about it.
Leave me alone.
- Jesus, why does he have no pants on? - Your tiger was chasing Trevor, who hid inside the trailer Then he went that way.
- Which way? - Omigod.
Did he do things to Trevor - Yeah, he did, Bubbles.
That's the last straw.
I'm gonna call in the heavies.
- Mr.
Lahey, please.
Can you please, please, don't do that? - This is a dangerous situation, Bubbles.
I have no choice but as Trailer Park Supervisor to make the call.
- Fuck you, Lahey and your little Trailer Park Supervisor bullshit! You don't even know what a fucking supervisor is Randy, where is he? - He went that way, Ricky.
- Jim, Jim.
You sure you want to do that? Cause it'd be a real shame i f everybody in this trailer park knew about those Viagra burgers.
I'll tell Ricky.
- Alright, Julian, you have two hours to get the situation under control.
- Thanks, Jim.
- Here kitty, kitty.
Steve French! Steve French! - Julian, this is fucked, man.
s We gotta deal with this.
First, it fucks over 50 gram worth of dope, now it's fucking over the park - Ricky, we're getting that ca t out of here today.
- Steve French! Here you are Bubbles: one, Steve French: zero.
Mm, turkey and garbage juice.
[roaring.]
Steve French, Steve French , you just relax, okay? Who's a good boy? [roaring.]
You go lay down.
- Ah, fuck! - Listen, you can hear him .
He's in there, that's who did it.
- Yeah, I hear him.
n Ricky, you want to tell me why there's a mountain lio trying to bang one of my boyfriends? - There isn't.
- Look, I can explain it all I know he looks like a big, ferocious crazy thing But he's not.
He's just a little kitty at heart and he's mixed up 'cause he's hooked on the weed , Trevor, if you took this off , that has the leopard on it he probably wouldn't try to do things to you.
, He wasn't trying to kill you , he just found you attractive probably, 'cause you do kind of have a long slender body.
- Fucked up again, Trevor.
Nice going.
- Let's go, fuck! - Ricky, get this cat out of here or I'm pressing charges There are kids that live here, for godssake.
You know, children, family - I know what fucking kids are ! I'm a hell of a lot better dad than you'll ever fucking be.
- You have no idea how stupid you are, do you ? - Actually, yes, I do.
- All he needs is, like, 125 tins of really high-quality cat foo d and that will distract him from the weed.
I promise.
He's not a bad kitty.
Not that much weed, Ricky, that's good.
We're trying to wean him off the stuff, not get him hooked on it.
- You can't get addicted to weed.
You did a good thing here.
- I know.
Look at him go.
He doesn't need hardly any wee d and he's all calm.
I could keep you forever.
- Bubbles, he's not a shed kitty.
He belongs in the wild.
You know that.
- Yeah, Bubbles, I mean, look, we'll just take him and we'll let him go free.
Just like a little test.
And if he comes back, it forever was, just like the saying.
- It's the best thing for him.
- I know.
Well, we're gonn a have to take him o to the other side of the mountain to let him g and we'll just have to modif y one of my food dispensers to put a little less weed in his food every day.
That should work fine, I guess - There's no fool like an old fool.
The shit abyss.
- Hey, boys.
- Hey, Jules.
- We're taking the mountain lion out of the park now.
Thanks for not being a dic k on this one, Jim.
- No problem.
- Appreciate it.
- Oooh.
- He's wasted, Julian.
- I didn't tell anybody about that Viagra thing, okay? Does that stuff work? - Oh, yeah.
- The shit abyss.
- Mr.
Lahey, not another night of the shit abyss.
Please! - Oh, fuck it.
.
- Come on, Steve French, in you go.
We're going for a little drive There you go.
- What's that fucking smell? - Keep driving, Rick.
- Steve, I know you didn't shit on my seat - No, everything's cool, Rick.
- Ricky? - What? - Steve French pooped on the seat.
Come on, Steve French.
Come on now, look.
Come here Now I rigged this dope contraption up for you.
And the way I got it geared, a little less dope will come out each time.
Aw, you don't give a fuck! Look, you just press your pa w onto there.
Like that, see And then the dope will drop out here, okay? [purring.]
- It's time, buddy.
- Rick.
- Okay, come here, little buddy.
I'm gonna unhook you.
You're free.
- Ah, fuck.
- Shit! - Boys.
If you love something, you set it free and if it comes back to you, it's yours.
- But you can't keep him, buddy.
- If it comes back, it's yours You gotta get out now.
I gotta take you to the wild Come on, Steve French.
Come on now, look.
This is for the best, apparently, so you're gonna have to go now.
So go on, git.
Go on.
Get going and stop looking at me with those big fucking cut e saucer eyes of yours.
Just go on.
Look over there, Steve.
Look at her.
Go on, Steve French, go get her.
Show her how you jump and show her that big package of yours.
Good kitty.
[purring.]
- You did the right thing, buddy.
- I know.
Thanks, boys.
[crying.]
Are you guys crying? - No, we're not fucking crying .
[crying.]