Trailer Park Boys s08e05 Episode Script

Whore-a-Geddon

It's just going to take a bit of time until the word gets out about this place Bubs.
Until the word gets out? Yeah why isn't the word out Julian? I spent too much fucking time distracted by you and Ricky, helping Ricky make his fucking honey oil.
I need time to focus on this myself and promote my business! Oh hang on, wait, is this a customer? Hi there! Open for business! - COCK SUCKER!! - Come on! I put everything I had into this and I came up short because of you two! I thought there was gonna be people coming from all over the world! And I thought I'd make enough money to save the park and I'd be a big hero.
Bubbles the hero! Bubs you don't have to start crying about this.
Listen, I'm sorry we we distracted you, okay? I'm sorry man.
But how 'bout I take today to help you figure out some ways to get this fucking place boomin'.
Well yeah that would be great actually if you'd actually do it but you won't.
I'll do it.
Fuck you screw! How ya like that? You're fucking coming down, aren't ya? This could be a customer.
This could be a customer! Hi there, you guys the proprietors? I'm the proprietor.
Hi, Bubbles, nice to meet ya.
Are you guys looking for a place to stay? Well yeah we're travelling across Canada, mostly staying in our van there and we seen your flyer.
It says you allow cats.
Oh yes absolutely, it's a cat friendly resort.
Right here we got pancakes all you can eat maple syrup, you guys like maple syrup? Groovy man we dig maple syrup.
Try to cock me around!! OH YOU FUCK SUCKING FUCKING Don't worry about that.
DIRTY ASS WHORE FUCKING DRAGON SLUT!! THANKS FOR THE HELP CORY AND JACOB!! FUCK!! NICE GOING, GOING TO FUCKING JAIL! NOW I'M BLEEDING!! I'm sorry I'll take control of him.
It's okay man I'm going to keep on truckin'.
Aw don't keep on trucking please.
Don't keep on truckin'! Please it's very really calming here it's - FUCK YOU MICROWAVE!! - It's like a spa.
FUCK OFF!!! RICKY!!! WHAT IN THE FLYING FUCK ARE YOU DOIN'??!! FUCK YOU CUPBOARDS!!! OH YOU DON'T WANT TO FUCKING GO HUH?? YOU GET THE FUCK GOING!!! I'VE LOST MY CUSTOMER!!! FUCK YOU COUNTER!!! JULIAN!! I NEVER FUCKING LIKED YOU ANYWAY! OH MY FUCK!! RICKY!! Hey Bubs, how's the grand opening going buddy? How's it goin'? I just about had my first and only customer and ya almost killed them with a goddamn FUCKING SINK, that's how it's goin'.
What the hell are you doing in there? That kinda sucks but listen buddy, last night I'm in the car laying awake fucking drunk and high as a motherfucker eating a corndog and BOOM! This explody thing goes off in my brain.
I have a hockey team that sucks 'cuz I can't afford the ice time to practice and I've got a trailer that's too cold to live in.
So I'm turning my fucking trailer into a hockey rink.
A hock? Ricky you can't turn your trailer into a FUCKING hockey rink.
Why not? It's flat.
I'll just put down some tarps.
I'll flood it, build some boards and pesto a hockey rink.
It's gonna be fucking awesome! Put on your crystals boys.
No fucking way, I'm not wearing that thing ever again.
The Rockpile were teasing me calling me Harry Potter.
Yeah man crystals and rocks are fucking DUMB! Hey fellas! Hey Barb! Hey Julian! Listen I've just found out about a spiritual retreat at the last minute so I'm going to go down 'cuz they're going to have a huge range of crystals.
Do you want to come with me for the weekend? Wow that sounds really nice but I I already promised Bubs that I'd help him out with his business today.
Oh, oh okay well good luck with that Bubbles.
You know I think it is absolutely great what - you're doing to help the park.
- Thank you.
But you should be wearing your crystals like Julian! I've got mine on.
It'll change your life.
One like this, that's what you need.
No I can tell, yeah.
Okay, see you guys.
I'll see you after the weekend.
Have a good time.
I will.
Bye! Dicks.
And you expect us to believe that you two aren't banging? You're doing it with her Julian.
We're not.
We're partners.
Yeah down in the bird region.
Fuck off Bubs.
Ha ha ha ha ha!!! Definitely kissing at least.
Ha ha, doin' it! Hey what's troubling you Randy? It seems as though your heart is discontent.
You can tell that? Yes it only takes but a glance to see that your chord does not chime in attunement with the universe.
Ah it's nothing really.
It's just Mister Lahey.
He wants us to work and he has been making an effort but I don't know if it's him talkin' or the liquor.
I hate to interfere in anyone else's business but I feel as though I made a mistake telling you and Mister Lahey to go on that date.
I now see that his penchant for liquor is a disease of the soul.
He's fucked up Randy.
Yeah I know but he's been a good friend to me.
I can't turn my back on a friend.
Have you turned your back on him or has he turned his back on you? So by you turning your back on him you're actually turning toward the fucking drunk bastard.
Yeah.
You guys don't have a hope in fucking hell Randy.
Bubs I've been thinking a lot about your business, man and I don't know, do you really think there's enough demand for people wanting to vacation with their kitties? Yeah that's one of the main fucking draws Julian.
Think about it, there's probably millions of people out there that don't go on vacation 'cuz there's nowhere they can go and bring their kitties.
I mean if I can get enough money saved and get heat hooked up here I can run this thing all year.
It's going to be a fucking goldmine.
And I mean you're advertising as a Shed and Breakfast but you're only serving fucking all you can eat pancakes and maple syrup.
Not everybody likes fucking pancakes.
Okay well the people that don't I can run down to Horton's and get a fucking breakfast sandwich.
Either way there'll be a delicious breakfast.
Oh my god Julian, that's fucking Steve Rogers! I bet he's coming to do a story about how fucked I am.
Just relax.
Can I help you? Oh hi guys.
Is the owner of the club here around? That's me.
Hi, Roger Stevens.
What? You're Steve Rogers from Channel 10.
We met before.
Sorry I keep forgetting how recognizable I am.
It's really hard being on the downlow when you're a celebrity so how's it going guys? Mister Rogers.
Bubbles so you got a new business opening up here? Oh I've had a couple of minor setbacks.
Please don't do a story on me.
No I'm not here to do a story, I'm getting married this weekend.
A friend at the station told me you guys are running a strip club here in the park.
Yeah I am but unfortunately it's closed for renovations.
Oh fuck my ass.
We just need a place to have a little stag party tonight I mean I was going to have it in town but you know, - recognizable celebrity.
- Yeah.
It's hard to do anything without the old lady finding out about it.
Hey wait now.
I could probably have the place cleaned up by six and round up five or six ladies, will that do? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah perfect, - yeah I'll see ya then.
- Right on.
What are you doing? What? You just told me you were gonna help me revamp the Shed and Breakfast today.
Bubs I'll help you out tomorrow I promise.
You help me today, I'll help you tomorrow.
Do you want to make money to save the park? Up to you.
- Yes.
- All right.
Quit using that against me! - Using what? - Oh yeah.
All right Cory turn on the fucking water.
Here we go! Cory? Huh? Turn off the fucking water! Okay! This is gonna be fucking awesome! What do ya think Orangie? Look how much wet there is.
Yeah you fucking like that don't ya? You wanna get in there and swim your gold little tits off I bet.
All right we can go for a little swim.
I gotta run out.
Here little buddy, don't be afraid, you're going to fucking love this.
Here, check it out! Here you go Orangie.
Have fun! I'll see ya in a little bit.
Cory! Two fucking smokes, let's go.
You look so extra pretty tonight.
You should just like Sarah the bar looks FUCKING incredible.
Nice work.
Okay ladies, remember this guy is a celebrity, so I want big smiles, lots of energy and let's make some fucking money, okay? 'Kay pull your boobs up girls we want to sell drinks tonight.
That's what I'm talking about.
Here they come! Woo! Welcome to the Dirty Dancer.
Y'all ready to get your freak on or what? - You betcha.
- Yeah, yeah! Okay now guys, so there's no outside booze allowed but we have lots of great drinks inside.
I just need a credit card to get the tab started so is that you? - Not me.
- Boys I'm fucking broke.
Credit card.
Pink cap there? - I don't have money.
- Anybody? Credit card? I need a credit card.
Guys it's my stag party you pussies.
Fuck it.
YEAH!!! Let's go Rick James, let's get wasted.
Ha ha and let's see them titties boys.
Hey Randers, you look nice.
Listen I thought we'd make a couple little.
Mediterranean food tonight and maybe put a little fire down where I need it, what do you think? Roar! What's this for? Oh I I dug out some of the old costumes.
I thought we'd get the old sawhorse out and have a little party.
Nice thought Mister Lahey.
What's up with the hard liquor? Well I I thought tonight it'd be a special night, a special occasion Randy.
The liquor's what's causing the problems Mister Lahey.
This is what's making you turn your back on me.
Well you know what? I'm gonna be the one to turn my back on you instead of you forcing me to turn my back the other way! Is that you talking Randy or is that DON TALKING? I need a break Mister Lahey.
I'm going out for some fun! Have fun alone with your liquor drinks ya alcoholic! Oh Queen of hearts, how a propos.
I do thee wed.
WOO!!! Okay I see a lot of partying and a lot of groping but I need to make some money and no one's ordering drinks.
Okay another round for everybody.
Fuck it! Put it on my tab! Ha ha ha! We're not making any fucking money here, man.
I mean that's 'cuz these guys was already drinking man But I see a golden opportunity.
We need to think outside the fucking box.
What are ya thinking? All the sheds that are out back vacant? Think about it.
That's fucking brilliant man.
That's what I'm saying man.
Ideas like that Jules.
I mean come on man, me and you and J-ROC we need to be partners man.
Think about it.
Where's your fucking drink? Go get a drink it's an open tab! Woo, ha ha ha!!! Ha ha ha! Na na na na "You're turning your back on me forcing me to turn my back on you!" Fucking Don that greasy haired shitworm and Donna whatever the fuck that is.
Hey Jim.
What the fuck do you want? I noticed there's a pretty greasy party going on over at Julian's tonight.
Probably a good night for us to do a little bit of surveillance, wouldn't you say? Party Randy.
Excuse me ladies.
Bar's closed, private party.
Come on Julian, I got money.
I need to get wasted bud.
It's a private party FUCKHEAD.
Oh hi Randy! You let Donna in.
'Cuz she's a chick.
I think.
Well maybe I'll call the cops and see what they think.
Holy FUCK all right! But if you're not spending any money get the fuck out of there.
Oh hi there handsome, how ya doing? Oh you big boy! Hey buddy, how's it going? I'm just trying to run some numbers here Julian.
I think I come out of the gate at too high of a price point, maybe.
What if I told you there's a company interested in renting all your sheds out right now for cash? What? Are you serious? Yeah.
We can make a shit ton of money off these stag dicks tonight man.
Why, what are you talking about? Rent them out by the hour.
No fucking way Julian! I didn't put all this effort into the Shed and Breakfast so you could turn it into a goddamn whorehouse! Hey, you know, this was Tyrone's idea okay and the wheels are already in motion.
Yeah well you better put them out of fucking motion 'cuz it's not happening.
That's it, case closed.
Bubs, people are counting on us man.
I thought you wanted to be the big hero that saved the park.
Well I do want to be a hero that saves the park.
Well? MMM fine! One night! Okay.
Does it include this one or? NO! It doesn't include, this is my home! All right, all right! You can rent those ones out.
Thanks man.
Greasy Oh ha ha man that sucks.
It's all right, five minute rule.
Orangie I need to borrow your fuckin' You're fucked.
I need to borrow your phone, let's go.
I'm a little busy man.
Fuck off, here's ten bucks.
Two seconds, give me the fucking phone.
Hello! Hey buddy I need you to do me a favour.
Well I'm kinda in the middle of Whore-A-Geddon here right now Ricky.
This is the greatest night of my fucking life! Bitches for everyone on me! Steve fucking Rogers! Fuck EVERYBODY!!! Yahoo! Take me in my ass! Can you hear this greasy whore show Ricky? This may or may not be an emergency, I'm not sure.
How long does it take ice to get froze from water? I forget.
I don't know.
What are you talking about Ricky? Well I let Orangie go for a fucking swim in the rink and I got fucked around by three sport stores that wouldn't take hash for cash, fucking nerds.
Anyway long stories get short, been gone a lot longer than I thought.
I want you to put him back in his bowl he might be getting cold.
Ah I can probably do that Ricky.
How long ago did you say ya flooded it? A few hours anyway, I don't fucking know.
Yeah Ricky no What you Fuck! Yeah it should be it shouldn't be frozen quite yet.
Where did you say you're at right now Ricky? I'm still at the mall.
I was dealing with dummies all night.
Fuck! Listen can you give Orangie a snack? He's probably fucking starving.
Yeah, how long till your back Ricky? However fucking long it takes me to drive back from the mall, I don't know, ten minutes? Ah! All right! Just take your time.
There's no real rush or anything.
I'll take care of Orangie.
Okay see you bud! Right on Bubs! Excuse me.
Clear a fucking path! Oh yeah Jesus H Christ, GET OUT OF THERE!! That shed's not for rent! Go on! Get going! All right, Orangies.
Come on one of ya get in there.
All right little buddy, I got a really good feeling about you.
Let's go Orangie 4.
0.
Right in here, look all thawed out nice and toasty warm for ya.
There we go.
Julian! What? This is FUCKED!! This is one of the greasiest whore shows I've ever seen and it needs to stop right now! Bubs I can't they already paid for the sheds until tomorrow morning.
I DON'T CARE!!! BANGUS INTERRUPTUS!! What am I going to do, haul people out of sheds while they're banging? YES!!! Bubs we made a lot of fuckin' money tonight! You're a hero man! Oh yeah I know Julian.
I'm right up there with.
Mother FUCKING Teresa! Who the fuck barbecues with an open tab for pussy? Welcome to the grand opening of Bubbles Shed and Breakfast everybody! For kitties and the people who love them.
Oh yeah, yeah! No I paid for it.
You're on the clock.
Oh my god.
Oh yeah, oh what's that smell? Oh.
Oh.
Yeah.
Oh my god.
It's so big! Goddamn FUCKING horse shit! Try to run a goddamn legitimate business.
We don't always have to tell the truth 'cuz honesty is just a test policy remember that.
It's one of the most important things the old man taught me, I never forgot it.
Hey Bubs, how's it going? How's it going? Take a fucking look around Ricky! My whole business is destroyed! Fucking Julian.
He fucks things up every time.
Thanks for putting Orangie back in his bowl last night.
Was he chilly? Yes he had quite a chill going when I found him.
Come over for a skate later it'll cheer you up.
All right kids, you ready to see this fucking thing? Yeah! Can you stop filming me? Please! Go film the people banging.
Whoa! Whoa! - Pretty fucking awesome isn't it? - Hell yeah! Well this is for you guys.
Now we can practice whenever the fuck we want without having to deal with rink dicks or guys looking for money.
We're going to have a kickass team next year, we might even win some games.
All right? Remember what I taught you kids, winning is? Fucking everything! - Yeah! - FUCK YEAH!! Why is that big hole there? Goddammit! It must be fucking ice squirrels! Wow, we definitely got to do more private parties.
Agreed.
How'd we make out with the credit card? I am at around forty-two hundred.
Are you kidding me? Julian come outside and look at the.
FUCKING DAMAGE TO MY SHEDS! You're paying for every bit of it too.
Bubs relax, I've got it covered man and I know it doesn't seem like it was a smart move right now, but we made a fucking killing last night man.
We totally did Bubbles.
Look it's not that big a deal.
I'll help you clean it up.
It was a really nice sacrifice that you made for everybody.
Thank you.
Jesus he can't be back for more, is he? Hey Steve, how's it going buddy? Did you have a good time last night? I don't know what you put in those drinks.
I think somebody drugged me.
I know you went a bit out of hand last night but you guys ran up four grand on my credit card according to my online banking.
Yeah that's 'cuz you bought four grand worth of stuff.
My fiancée saw it this morning, I told her it's a mistake.
She thinks I'm at the bank right now sorting it out.
You gotta reverse the charges, there's no way I spent that much.
Steve you were buying drinks and ladies for everybody last night on that card.
Fucking shit adds up man! Everything we ran on your card was legit, that's how much you spent.
That's the way it's going to be? Well what if Channel 10 did a little exposé? Maybe then you guys would change your tune.
You want to do a little exposé on me? Are you going to mention that you and your buddies were banging whores all night? 'Cuz I guarantee your.
FUCKING fiancée's going to love to know about that.
Oh my god that's her! Please just go along with me, go along with me, I'll do anything! Hi honey! I went to the bank and I'm just sorting out how this bar here accidentally charged my card.
Oh yeah? Did the bank happen to mention why THERE ARE FUCKING CRABS CRAWLING AROUND IN OUR BED? I can explain.
IS THIS WHERE YOU WERE LAST NIGHT???!!! I can explain honest! IS THIS WHERE YOU SPENT FOUR FUCKING GRAND OF OUR WEDDING MONEY IN ONE OF THESE LITTLE WHORE SHACKS??!! AH!! EASY, THESE ARE NOT WHORE SHACKS!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU BROUGHT CRABS.
BACK TO OUR BED STEVE ROGERS!!! Oh my god.
Honest I must have caught 'em on the toilet seat.
What the fuck do you mean there's crabs in the sheds? That's what I'm talking about.
I needed that.
Randy you took your dickin'.
Oh, oh my god.
Did you fuck the guy in the dress too? EXCUSE ME BITCH!! I am all woman up in here.
You got nothing on this cock raiser! Hi Steve! Ugh! We are so FUCKING DONE STEVE ROGERS!!! What the fuck is going on here? Guys please don't tell Mister Lahey about this.
All right this fucking shit show is officially over! I have officially identified pediculosis pubis on Gary Lasereyes.
I am calling this a quarantine zone right now.
I want everybody off my fucking property please.
- Get going! - Meow.
Thanks a lot Julian.
Thanks a lot.
Gary Lasereyes is infested! Come on Gary, let's see if we can get the FUCKING dirty little.
FUCKING crabs off ya.
Way to go Julian.
Crabs? Real nice.
Thank fuck I didn't bang anybody.
Come on let's get ya out of here before FUCKING crabs jump on ya.
So are you still on the clock? Wash your balls.
Good morning Jim.
What's for breakfast? Ah little liquor ball sandwiches.
What brings you guys back? Well Jimmy we were feeling pretty generous so we thought we'd come by and give you a little present.
No, no thanks.
It's two thousand, one hundred and nineteen dollars my friend, Cashamundo.
The deposit for your one percent.
Well I-well I haven't made a decision yet what goin' do? Look I can't accept this.
Listen Liquoracci, you only got two choices.
Accept the down payment for the one percent and be my friend Aha.
Or choice behind door number two! Fuck! Geez! I DON'T DO PILLS, DON'T DO SPEED, DON'T DO CRACK, DON'T DO COKE, DON'T DO SMACK, DON'T DO SHROOMS, DO SMOKE WEED, I DO DRINK BEER YEAH AH SO TAKE IT FROM HERE.
LISTEN I DON'T DO PILLS, DON'T DO SPEED, DON'T DO CRACK, DON'T DO COKE, DON'T DO SMACK, DON'T DO 'SHROOMS, DO SMOKE WEED, I DO DRINK BEER AH SO TAKE IT FROM HERE.
WHEN IT COMES TO GETTIN' LIFTED I STAY SPLIFTED CATCH ME LIGHTING UP A BLUNT, I'M DOUBLE FISTED.
ALL I NEED IS A HEINEKEN AND HYDRO AND ISO FROM WHEREEVER I CAN GET AT THE QUICK SHOW.