Trailer Park Boys s08e06 Episode Script

Jesus H Christ, it looks like you're infested too.
Wayne Newton.
Sorry little buddy.
You're gonna have to just hang in there until I can get back with the proper crab shampoo.
You dirty little pinchy bastards.
Crabs are the dirtiest little crustaceous fuckin' cock inhabitants on the face of the planet and there's no way I'm letting them get on my bird.
They latch right on to your package with their dirty little pinchy cock claws.
They start fuckin' hatching eggs, it's terrifying! Well I went online and I calculated I need about twenty-two bottles of crab shampoo to get rid of the infestation on my kitties, twenty-two fucking bottles! Do you know how embarrassing that's going to be to us for twenty-two bottles of crab shampoo? I'll tell ya, VERY EMBARRASSING!!!! Can I help you sir? Yeah I notice you don't have the medicated shampoo on the shelves? Dandruff shampoo's in aisle seven sir.
Oh it's not for dandruff.
Lice? No it's more down this region.
Just a moment sir.
Tweece would you call please I have a customer with crabs and needs some "Crab Out".
Would you like the big bottle or the little sir? Um twenty-two of the NEVERMIND! Hey it smells like you fumigated the place Julie.
Yeah I did this morning so hopefully if all goes well I'll be reopened by the weekend.
That's the spirit Julian.
I knew a bunch of pesky little dirty old crabs couldn't defeat the mighty Julian.
So what's going on? Well I thought I should swing by and let you know that Sam and Cyrus dropped my place and gave me twenty-two hundred dollars on the downpayment only one percent.
And you accepted it? Yeah, I had to Julian they threatened me! I guess they want to be my friend more than you? They don't give a fuck about you.
I wish we were friends, Julian.
We are! I don't have twenty-two hundred bucks.
It's just money Julian.
It's just money.
I'm a surprise kind of guy.
I like personal gifts.
Use your imagination, Julian.
I think a guy like you could think of something special that would appeal to old Jim Lahey.
Something more say twenty-two hundred bucks.
I hope to see you later tonight bud.
Fuck sakes.
I'll let myself out.
Come on guys we're not going to win any fucking games like this.
You gotta pass it harder, a little bit faster.
Trin, let's go.
What's wrong? What kind of Father lets his daughter be around a crab infestation? You might think that it's okay to bang whoever you want to and not give a shit about what you pick up but it's disgusting.
I had nothing to do with those crabs that was.
Julian's thing and I wasn't around any of those fucking people.
Here if you don't believe me check me out, see any crabs down there? So you're not banging anybody? There's actually only one person in this world that I want to bang but unfortunately she's being banged by somebody else.
How is mall cock? George works night and he works day and I'm left basically to entertain myself.
Hmm that sounds like fun.
Darren, what the hell are you guys doing, okay? You don't do it you gotta try to tie up his jersey with one hand like this, hit him in the face a couple of times, okay? After that try to pull a jersey right up over his head and feed him right in the FUCKING head with upper cuts.
You don't take him to the ground that's what pussies do.
Try it again.
Okay George is working later so maybe I'll pop by.
Are you serious? Yeah maybe.
I'm going to stay for a bit, okay? - Right.
See you later.
- I hope so.
They almost done in there? 'Kay, ready? Action! Come on down to Sunnyvale.
Trailer Park to the "Dirty Dancer" where the rock vodka's on tap and you can have these girls twerking on your lap, twenty-five dollar combo and all dancers are crab free guaranteed.
Okay CUT! Um, T that was good but you guys it's an Internet commercial so I need you to like get your boobs out and make out or something.
Here I'll show you.
T when do you think you can get this commercial online man? We gotta fuckin' open.
We can get it as soon as you want man but.
Mister Green just picked another crab off himself.
Are you fucking kidding me.
Ah all right, we're not open inside obviously for FUCK SAKES!!! - Yo, you all right man? - Yeah I just gotI need help with somethin' but yeah I'll I'll figure it out, just keep doing what you're doing it's looking good man, all right? Okay that is much better you guys.
Okay, Tyrone, get right in there.
You guys, get up on Tyrone.
Tyrone, get right under.
Don't be shy.
Perfect.
Try it again from the top.
Randy I'm coming in.
You were shaving your ball sack, weren't ya? You caught crabs at Julian the other night, didn't you Randy? RANDY!!! Stop acting like a pig! You want the truth? Yeah, I think I deserve it.
I told ya I've got needs and you haven't been able to fulfill them Randy so I got really drunk and really horny and I had sex with a woman.
Was it really dirty and did I enjoy myself? Yes! Do I feel like shit right now? Yes.
Am I going to get friggin' drunk? BIG TIME!!!! - Do you hate Jacob, Dad? - No I don't hate him I mean first I didn't really know what to think 'cuz well he's kinda fuckin' weird and he's got a brain like Trevor's and I was just worried my little girl's going to end up with a guy that would never be a man.
But then he went to jail and he didn't cry and it made me kinda think like fuck, wow maybe this guy could be a man so, do you understand what I'm trying to say? Yeah, thanks Dad.
I love you.
I love you too pumpkin.
- Hey Julian.
- Hey Trin.
Wow, this place is incredible man.
It's a good thing you're doing buddy.
Yeah it's going to be good for the kids and help keep me busy during my retirement.
Yeah retirement.
Don't you miss all the crazy shit we used to do? Of course I do.
Good 'cuz I need you to do a job with me and the only person that can help me out.
I can't be doing jobs anymore.
I don't need to, 'm retired.
But this is an easy job! All we gotta do is steal something worth around two grand to chill Lahey out.
I'm sorry man but I can't I'm going to be a fuckin' Grandad now.
Do you want your Grandchild to grow up in Sunnyvale? Of course I fucking do.
Okay well if you don't help me out he's not going to be able to, and you think about that man.
Okay fine, I'll fuckin' help you out but one condition What? Me and you are going to get high as fuck all day like we used to.
Not a fuckin' problem.
All right, deal.
Got enough joints there buddy? Gettin' there.
Holy shit this honey oil's insane man.
No fuckin' kidding it's like pure THC liquid from the fuckin' heavens.
⁢ Laughing > It's the marshmelon man.
Ah yeah, laugh it up boys.
Laugh it up, must be nice to sit out here and not have to deal with goddamn - dirty cock crustaceans.
- Holy fuck man, chill.
Here have a toke of this honey oil, it's fucking awesome! It's really good man.
So you three are just sitting out here gettin' baked are you? Well guess what? - Guess what? - What? No, what do you want us to guess? What? What happened there? Holy fuck you guys are baked.
This is guess what, somebody's got to drive me to the laundrymat to wash these dirty little fuckers off my sheets, now let's go.
Bubs we're way too busy today man.
Yeah man way too fuckin' high.
Oh yeah? How 'bout I dump the fucking things - Fuck off! - Oh no, no, no fuck off! - Fuck off Bubs! - Get the fuck up.
Throw your dirty crab bag into Ricky's trunk.
I'm not taking my fuckin' car.
Rick, your car has three doors, it's easier man.
Here you stay here little buddy.
How do you fuckin' function like this every day, Rick? It's fun, isn't it? YOU MAKE SURE THAT FUCKING BAG'S GOOD AND TIED.
UP THERE BUBBLES!!! You make sure you FUCK OFF Ricky, how 'bout that? Okay boys now that you're both good AND FUCKING HIGH I need you to go on a little mission for me.
Bear, I need you to go to the pharmacy and get me twenty-two bottles of medicated crab shampoo.
Twenty-two bottles, are you fucking kidding me? That's how much it's going to take and you can tease me and make fun of me or you can put on this suit and take the dirty old sheets and go wash them yourself it's your choice.
Holy fuck man, calm down.
Look I had nothing to do with this but I'll make you a fucking deal.
We'll get your crab shampoo as long as you promise to take a big fucking hit off of this bong and get in a fucking better mood with us.
I don't want to haul off that and I don't want to get in a better FUCKING mood.
Be a hell of a lot more fun watching shit go around and around baked Bubs, come on man don't be a grumpy fuck.
All right.
One hit, is this the strong stuff? No man.
Good luck buddy.
Jesus.
He just spit in your car.
- Hey man - Ha, ha, ha, did I? Don't spit on don't spit on my car.
Ha, ha, ha screwdriver.
Ricky!! Okay, focus Bubbles.
Focus, you gotta job to do here.
Focus, stay focused.
What the fuck is he doing? He's fucked up.
Boys, what was I doing? Laundry.
Laundry's hilarious.
Put your clothes in a machine.
What the fuck are we supposed to do? Um we've got to get twenty-two bottles of crab shampoo.
Oh yeah.
Holy fuck! Twenty-two! Hey Don! Ah hey! You've made love recently.
You dirty fucker.
You and Mister Lahey finally worked things out.
No we didn't actually.
Oh no? Got really drunk and had sexual intercourse with a woman.
Oh ho ho, who's the lucky punta? - I'd rather not say.
- Ah! The worse thing is is I caught crabs.
'Cuz you and I work so closely together I'd advise you to check yourself out and fumigate your trailer immediately.
Crap it all Randall I certainly can't harm a - creature of this world.
- But the friggen things spread like crazy! I had to shave my whole region.
I'll simply just meditate them away again! You've had 'em before? Yes, many times! Randall I've been with plenty of women in this world and there's always a chance of picking up a few of the unwanted hitchhikers of love.
Remember to sift throughth sand next time before you dive into the dewiness, ha ha.
T, you know what I'm sayin' I didn't work for months to make Roc Bocca a premium brand just to have you take it down a notch with one video upload with crabs in it dog.
We're trying to reopen the bird.
I mean we gotta move some roc.
Dog you gotta raise the bar, you know what I'm sayin'? It's a premium brand.
Ain't nobody interested in crabs 'less you opening a seafood shack bitch! Look look I know.
Nobody wants crotch critters on their shit.
Yeah I figure, my bad, my bad.
But shit's been crazy since you got locked up and I can't roll up here every day looking for approval and shit.
You think shit's crazy where you at? Try being up in herr, you know what I'm sayin'? Shit crazy.
Motherfuckers pushing up on me, you know what I'm sayin'? I'm hard, but I'm just worried 'cuz other motherfuckers are even more hard if you know what I'm saying.
You hard, you just hold your head up and hold tight.
Alright? Alright.
Hey T come here you meh.
Good to see you boi.
All right you pinchy little bastards.
It's the end of the line for you guys.
Oh no! NO!!! Oh my god! Oh my god, oh my god don't panic Bubbles, don't panic.
Do not panic! Oh my god the suit oh, OH it's stuck! IT'S STUCK!!! OH, OH, OH MY GOD!!! Oh I can feel Oh my god! HELP ME GET.
NAKED!! HELP ME GET NAKED!! THEY'RE GOING FOR MY BIRD!!! They're they're going for my bird!!! No man, I'm baked out of my mind, I'm I'm too baked! I can't even fucking think about what we get Lahey.
What about a new stove man? One of those ones, you know, the nice ones with the glassy tops, he'd fucking love that.
Sam and Cyrus gave him twenty-two hundred bucks, you want to get a glassy top stove? It was just a thuck.
Thuck! All right man, you go get the shit, I'm waiting here.
No, no, no.
I had nothing to do with the FUCKING crabs.
I'm not going in there to buy that shit.
What if Lucy saw me? Lucy? Lucy's banging George, That's fucking disgusting.
Julian, they say beauty is in the eye when you hold her.
I still love her and I'm not fucking going in there to buy that shit, FUCK THAT!!! Fine, I'm too big to do this shit man.
You've changed Julian.
Shut up man no I haven't.
Can I help you find something? Sir? Tooth toothpaste and it's It's not toothpaste.
Fuck.
Fuck you clouds squish.
I fucked up.
You need to go in there and get it.
I told you, I can't be seen buying that shit! Well here put this on and say you got bad allergies or somethin'.
No! Listen your the one that promised Bubbles, not me.
Jesus Christ, fine.
If I'm going to do this I'm fuckin' doing it my way.
- What are you doing? - I'll be right back.
Everybody put up your fucking hands and freeze!!! Hello? I'M NOT HERE TO HURT ANYBODY, I WANT SOME FUCKING CRAB SHAMPOO AND SOME OF THOSE PILLS THAT HELP MAKE YOUR FENIS GET BIGGER!!! MOVE!!! Fen fenis? AH FUCK WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE'S DOCTOR ARE YOU? DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A FENIS IS.
MOVE, MOVE.
HURRY THE FUCK UP QUINCY.
Here's your box of shampoo.
And your pills to make your fenis get bigger.
Look we understand if you're embarrassed to buy this stuff, lots of people are, just don't hurt us.
Embarrassed? I don't get embarrassed.
The shampoo's for my friends and the pills are for my FUCKING daughter you labcoat dummy.
Just take that.
Don't fucking move.
COPS!! FUCK!! Get us outta here! FUCK!! What the fuck? I guess it wasn't for us.
You shouldn't touch me 'cuz you're going to get things on ya.
You're gonna regret it! I'm telling ya they're going to be crawlin' all over ya.
For fuck sakes! The hot tub, gold and silvery banjo, a fucking outdoor crookie tooker, I don't fucking know.
Crookie tooker? Let's just go to Lahey's, ask him what he wants and we'll go and get it.
We can't man, he wants it to be a fucking surprise.
Well we can't go do a job right now with Bubbles with us so what the fuck are we going to do? Well we'll have to take him home and come back out and I'm NOT smoking anymore of your dope.
Yes you are that was the deal.
Hey Gary! Fuck off.
How'd it go buddy? How'd it go ah let me see oh I got sentenced to community service, indecent exposure, resisting arrest and under the influence of narcotics.
They thought I was on bath salts when I stripped down other than that, great! So what kind of community service they give ya? Oh I gotta go to a school and tell little kids the dangers of using drugs and you guys are comin' with me believe me.
Fuck that I'm not doing that shit man.
On a good boat we got your crab shampoo it's in the back.
I hope the fuck you stoned bastards got the right stuff.
Where is it? Holy fuck boys I didn't need the great big jugs that's awesome though! Really be able to do some damage with that.
Yeah it was ah it was on sale.
What's all this other stuff? Oh I picked up some pills to help Trinny's fenis get growing better.
Her what? The fenis that's what they call the baby when it's in the stomach before it gets born.
Fenis? Ricky these are penis pills! That's like five thousand dollars worth of cock stiffners there! What? Those pharmetry fucking idiots! Oh Wait a second, so that means you stole the fucking stuff too! Oh my god boys get me the fuck home right now before I end up back in there because of you two! You just saved the day buddy.
How? By fuckin' up.
Fenis pills.
Julian.
Hey Jim.
Is that for me? Sure is buddy.
Come on in.
Why would I need all these? Has Randy been spreading rumours about me? Oh fuck no.
I overheard you guys talking about your little situation the other night just before you fell through the roof of the bar.
Oh I don't know what to say.
I'm not going to tell anyone.
I don't care if your dick doesn't work man.
All I care about is you and Randy.
I want to help you guys out because that's what friends do for friends, Jim.
We're friends? Of course we are.
Isn't it better this way? Yeah.
Just so you know no matter how much liquor you got in ya those pills will always work.
Really? Yeah, I've tried 'em a few times just between you and I, you know.
I want to thank you very much Julian and this goes a long, long way with me.
So you're happy? Yeah, yeah, yeah! Why don't you take one of those pills and go find Randy.
Have some fun man.
Right.
You look like shit Jimmy.
I gotta go man.
All right cheers buddy! Hey Rick.
What brings you to this dick of the woods? Well George is working tonight and Trin's got a date with Jacob so I thought that I would pop by.
Nice.
I was just thinking about you guys.
Aw, I love that picture of us.
Me too.
That's sweet that you were thinking about us and I was thinking about you and I always think about you.
Really? Yeah.
So what do you think about exactly? Well I was kinda thinking that since you're with George and you're probably not getting banged, right? And I'm not with anybody and don't really want to bang anybody but you then maybe we can become friends with the benedicts.
Who are the Benedicts? You know those people you become friends with if you wanna bang each other with no things attached, friends with the benedicts.
Right are you sure you want to be friends with the benedicts? Oh it might be good for Trinity and the Grandchild.
I mean we're going to be fucking Grandparents.
Luce, can you believe it? So tell me Grandpa do you ah remember what it is that Grandma loves? You're fuckin' right I do.
Oh hey Julian! Hey, how ya doin'? Good oh I'm so glad you could come for a drink I know how busy you are these days.
Hey we're partners.
Wow, these the crystals you got on your little trip? Yeah they are and they have amazing properties, I'm going to tell you all about them but first.
II I need your advice on something.
Now I ah don't laugh okay? But I decided to try my luck in online dating.
Well I haven't had a whole lot of success with men as you know so I've been I've been looking through Barb, don't do that.
But ah Julian I don't want to be alone.
Yeah but if you end up with a fucking dickhead then you're just missing out on a opportunity to find that special guy that, you know, is going to love you for who you are! Some guy that likes crystals.
Some guy that thinks you're the best fucking person in the world.
You deserve the best like don't fucking settle for anything but the best 'cuz you fucking deserve it.
You're right.
You are absolutely right.
I do deserve the fucking best.
Damn right.
And I won't settle I will wait for it to come to me.
It might take a little time but Hey, what's time? Want to get high? Ha, you kidding me? No, I do once in a blue moon.
II tried it again at the retreat it was all about consciousness raising.
Here.
Sarah gave it to me it's it's ah Ricky's honey oil.
Come on, fire up.
Fuck it.