Trailer Park Boys s08e07 Episode Script

Are you sure you don't want me to put some sunscreen on you Don? No Randall, I'll be fine.
Well you should put on SPF 30.
UV rays can be really harmful to your skin.
I even moisturize every day.
I put on, like, vitamin E lotion and Aloe that's why my skin's so Da da dada da dada da.
Good morning gentlemen, Donny how are you? Hey Randy bo bandy, isn't it a great day to be alive?!! Ha ha! What's going on down there Mister Lahey? Oh I just thought I'd go out for a morning stroll Randers! Just how would you feel about taking the day off Randy and we'll have a little talk? What do you think bud? I don't know Mister Lahey.
Don't be silly Randy! It's a sign from the gods! You have to fulfill your darkest, deepest desires.
Really? Yes, ride the fuckin' pony.
Let's talk then Mister Lahey.
All right! Thanks Don.
Hee hee! Isn't it magnificent, look ah ha ha hee hee! Come on Randers!! I've got a bone for you man.
And you should be pretty much perfect perfect! Decent! Oh hey there boys, check these guys out.
Hello! Ha ha! Bwah, taco my balls, bwah! Is this what you want little buddy? Come down here, you know you love to eat fucking weed! Bwah, Taco likes weed! If we're going to make enough money to save the park on time we gotta start doing more jobs together, it's as simple as that man.
Well it's going to be pretty fucking hard to do that - without Bubbles knowin'.
- Suck my ball! Hey boys, what's going on? Look who fucking showed up Bubs.
Suck my cock, bah! Taco! What the fuck's he doing there? Bah, taco likes weed.
You guys ready to go? Let's go! Go where? My community service thing.
You said you'd fucking help me with it, it's today.
Bah! Bubs we can't do that today we got way too much shit to do man.
Lick my tank! Oh is that right Julian? Too much shit! Let's fucking have a recap of what happened here.
Why did I get community service in the first place? Bwah! Oh yeah I remember, 'cuz you rented out my sheds to a bunch of filthy FUCKING hookers who had crabs Bwah! Who then got on my bird and on my kitties and I freaked out in fucking public, pulled my pants down on your crazy fucking honey oil and exposed myself screaming like I was on bath salts Who's fault was that? Yours and yours, get the fuck in the car.
We should at least get Taco down and take him back to Coconut.
There's no time Ricky, let's go.
This fucking sucks.
Well can't we at least get drunk and high and go and do this? No we're not getting drunk and high we're going to tell kids not to get drunk and high! Fuck I hate kids.
I can't tell kids that drugs and liquor are bad I fucking love drugs and liquor.
I started smoking dope and drinking in grade three for fuck sakes.
Well Ricky that's what the FUCKING judge said we had to do and we're doing it! END OF DISCUSSION!! Why puppets though man? I FUCKING hate puppets! Because Julian I get nervous in front of crowds and that's the only way I can do it, there's going to be like fifty kids there! Randy, come on please Randy It's going to be nervewracking.
Hey, look I wrote up little script you guys can use.
It'll be easy.
I still am really very much attracted to you, I swear.
Maybe you are and maybe you aren't but I can't tell 'cuz of your STUPID PILLS!! When Mister Lahey showed up I was really excited.
I thought our problems were finally over but when we got back to the trailer I saw on the table a great big box of penis hardening pills.
I don't want a friggen pharmaceutical boner, I want a boner made from love.
Would you get your erect cock out of my way please.
Hi Julian.
Jesus Christ! He's walking around with a boner! House coat wide open, great big dirty piss boner.
Anybody got an extra smoke? What's fucking wrong with kids, you guys don't smoke anymore? Who's got a smoke? Come on.
Thanks bud.
There you go.
Actually here, thanks.
Ricky? Do you want a smoke? Fuck off.
Ricky! Did you take the little guy's smokes? Not all of 'em.
We're here to tell them not to be doing drugs and liquor, you're fucking bumming cigarettes off kids! It's not a drug Bubs.
YES IT IS!! Tobacco! Ricky! Gentlemen, nice to see you.
How's it going? You must be the criminals, I'm Principal Duggan.
Hi Principal Duggan, nice to meet you sir.
I'm so glad you boys are here today.
We got some pretty bad apples at this school but I think after listening to real life criminals like yourselves it'll do them a world of good.
Right on man.
What was it you did again? Whipped your junk out in public or some shit? No, no I just I thought I had crabs on my thing down there and I just panicked.
It was just a misunderstanding.
Yeah him and I actually have nothing to do with this, it's his thing, you know, he did it.
Makes no difference I don't judge.
Gym's right through there, Steve here will get you set up with your microphones.
I'm gonna go round up the kids.
Fifteen minutes.
'Kay thank you Principal Duggan.
Yeah Oh I'm a big fan of those scared straight prison kind of shows that you see on TV so feel free to get a little crazy and put the fear of god into some of these little fuckers.
Oh we can do that no fucking problem.
We'll probably keep it pretty pretty tame.
How the fuck can a peanut kill someone, it's not even a person? That's fucked.
It's just a few kids, Bubs.
Julian, why would you fuckin' say that right now? Just about to go here.
Come on bird do your thing! Nothing's happening yet? No I got cold molasses bird, I can't get a FUCKIN' dribble! All right, man, I'm all done.
Sorry Bubs.
I just about had it started and you fuckin' jiggled me! Want me to leave the faucet running for a bit bud, that might help you out? No now I don't think she's going to go Julian.
I'm too FUCKIN' nervous getting in front of these kids.
Maybe you could do the puppet show for me Julian, please? Bubs I'm not doing the puppet show for ya.
Listen I'm here as a favour.
I'm here to make sure Ricky doesn't FUCK things up for ya.
Well he's not going to fuck it up, is he? Oh my god I never even thought of that.
Ricky's going to FUCK this up!! He's not going to fuck things up, okay? It's puppets! How do you fuck puppets up? You can fuck puppets up.
You can't, come on.
You're going to do fine.
Let's just go get this over with.
I just I have to use it.
Is that smoke? What's that smell? It smells like my Dad's cigarette.
Okay boys, okay boys.
What are you doing? Show me the sniff sniff, you're smoking dope back here, are you crazy? No it's French tobacco.
It's not French tobacco it's weed I can smell it.
Listen, listen shhh.
I fucking think the microphones are on! Man that.
Principal dick said we had fifteen fucking minutes! Ricky, that was twenty minutes ago, you're baked out of your goddamn mind! Here boys get your puppets on we gotta do this! Hold on a second I gotta piss! Ricky! Ricky what the WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Stop looking at me.
Oh my god.
Oh fuck that feels good.
Put your bird away.
I can't cut my piss off.
Squeeze it out then.
Jam your bird down inside of it you're splashing it all over the place.
Oh fuck, you guys want to use that? Get that fucking thing away from me.
Get it away from me.
It's all drippy.
It smells like pee.
EW!!! What is wrong with your fucking brain? What? You just threw a piss jug at the audience and you got piss driblets on my lenses.
The audience is the audience is in there? I have pee on me.
Where the FUCK do you think the audience is? Just get your guy.
Sorry.
Oh My God, Julian.
So what are we going to do here? We gotta stick to the script is what we gotta do.
I didn't read the script yet.
I thought we had to do that later.
Let's do this.
Hey kids, how's it going? My name's Bobby.
Oh hey, what's your name? It's Ricky you fucking idiot, you know my name Bubs.
I'm not talking to you Ricky, the little eight inch cocksucker on the end of your arm! Hey you, what's your name? Hey, what's his name again? It's Ralphy Johnson.
My name is Ralphy Johnson everybody.
Hey Ralphy you should try to move your mouth at the same time as You move your fucking hand when you're talking Ricky so it looks like he's saying it, see that? Oh yeah okay that's cool.
Hey! My name is Ralphy Johnson.
Rick you gotta sync it up.
Looks like a python trying to swallow an egg.
Well I'm not good at puppets okay? They're a little too fucking smart for my brain! No 'cuz you're fuckin' stupid.
Your fuck you get your fucking thing out there! Julian get your guy up there.
I'm not playing with puppets Bubs.
Julian you get that fucking puppet up there or I will kick your testicles up inside your body CAVITY! Oh for fuck sakes.
Doo doo doodoo do da da doo Hey there fellas! How you doing? I'm Bobby, I'm a straight A student here at Dartmouth Elementary and I'm thinking about trying drugs and liquor for the first time.
Do you think that's a good idea? Yes! Who's talking me or him? No yes? Holy fuck you're stupid.
Don't fucking the toys fuckin' calling me stupid.
It's a puppet.
You know what? Fuck this.
I'm too stupid to fucking do puppets then I'm too fucking stupid to be here I guess.
Ricky! Have fun guys! Ricky get back here! You get the fuck Fuck you Julian! No Fuck you! Just a little hey! Holy fuck! Bubs I thought you said ten or twenty kids there's like fifty or a thousand out here.
What? Hey kids! Well ah don't do drugs and liquor I guess.
I mean they're pretty good but don't try them yet.
Fuck you, your an asshole.
Bubbles, I'll be in the car.
No, no, no.
If I've got to do this, Ricky, you gotta do it.
Julian, get the fuck back here! Bubs I'm not playing with puppets.
Get out here.
Julian you promised me you'd help me with this.
I'm I'm not playing with puppets.
Get out here and tell the people what you gotta say man.
Holy fuck Ju-lian! Just get out here! I can't, I get so nervous in front of kids.
Bubbles get the fuck out here.
Fuck! Ahhh! Fifty kids, huh? Ha ha ha ha! Oh my god look at all the kids! Here's the deal, you entertain the kids I'll go get Ricky, I'll come back out, and we'll finish the show.
What? I can't entertain them.
Just tell them some jokes or something.
Jokes ah Hey kids! How's it goin'? You guys like jokes? Ha ha ha ha! I used to know some jokes when I was a little guy, just like you guys let me think if I can remember them under pressure like this um how do you ah how do ya How do ya catch a unique kitty? Unique up on 'em.
Ha ha ha ha! Not bad, right? Ah just wait now there's a part two to it.
How does it go? Um how do you catch a tame kitty? Tame way.
Unique up on him Boys would you get OUT HERE!!! I'M BOMBING OUT HERE.
IT'S LIKE BERLIN in 1940.
Um ah oh who owns this guitar here? Actually I don't care, I'm borrowin' it anyway.
Maybe I can play you guys a song, do you like songs? YEAH! This is a song about the dangers of using drugs and alcohol I'll just make it up.
Don't do liquor and drugs, You'll end up hanging with birds.
They will take your Money and hurt you bad Oh my god.
You're bad.
It's not in tune that's the main problem.
You're bad! Oh My God boys! Ah ah I'm going to have a meltdown.
Oh, gross.
He peed.
Hey Bubs, how's it going? Sorry about Julian being an asshole and stuff.
Everything's cool now, we worked it out.
Oh it's okay.
Ricky maybe you guys can just stay out here and do the show for the kids.
I gotta go backstage just for a minute.
What's going on down there buddy? He peed! He peed! Bubs, Oh, ha ha ha ha! Ricky, fuck off.
No you didn't.
Ricky leave it alone! Oh My God! Ew You did, you pissed yourself! No I didn't.
Ricky! He pissed himself kids! Look at it.
It's all down his leg.
No I didn't kids I had a juice pack in my pocket.
My bird was doing that it must have jabbed the fucking thing and burst it.
I can't believe you pissed yourself in front of all these kids, look at this.
I didn't do it! I didn't piss myself.
He didn't piss himself.
He peed his pants, he peed his pants It's not a big deal man I'll piss myself right now if that makes you feel better.
Smarten up.
You're not going to piss yourself.
I'm trying, I've don't got much left in the tank here.
Come on piss! That how you piss Ricky? Like an old gorilla out in the woods? Okay guys, okay that's enough.
I don't know what the hell you guys think you're doing but ah that's not what I meant when I said you could scare the kids.
Come on.
Easy there Phill Cosby.
I'm sorry Principal Duggan this isn't the way this was supposed to go down.
Just go please off school property right now or I'm calling the cops.
What? And I'm telling Judge Mason about this too.
I'm sorry kids I didn't pee myself.
Oh My God, I'm sorry everybody ahhh You've got some serious fucking problems with your brain, you know that? What? What do you mean what? What are you a psychiaprist now? Hey Bubs, you ready? Yeah FUCK OFF Ricky, you get the FUCK away from me right now.
What's wrong with you? What's wrong with me? What the FUCK do you think is wrong with me? You embarrassed me in front of the whole school! Bubs I thought it went pretty good, they were clapping for ya.
They weren't clapping for me Ricky, they were laughing at me because of you! I should fucking clobber you one.
Come on man don't be like that.
Get your hands off me.
Get your fucking hands off me.
You drive me to the park and neither one of you say a FUCKIN' word to me! What if I I have to say somethin' it's a emergency? Get going.
You're not saying a word! Fucking asshole.
Oh my name's Ricky, I'm a fucking idiot.
I'll just fucking shoot Bubs, it wasn't my fault it was the puppet's fault really when you think about it.
Fuck off Ricky.
Bubs, come on buddy.
I told you I don't know how to use fucking puppets that well.
It's not my fucking fault! Just relax man, what the fuck is the big deal anyway? You know what the big deal is Ricky.
You see that I'm holding two sticks of dynamite baby just light the fucking fuses, BOOM BOOM!! Kind of overreaction a little bit don't you think? You're a FUCKING nightmare, do you know that? How? Rick! Fuck you scared me.
What the hell are you doing here Luce? I thought I'd come for a skate.
I've gotta say this place looks amazing.
It is such a good idea.
It's pretty fucking badass, isn't it.
Yeah, you know, it's a real turn on.
Really? Yeah.
Wow you look FUCKING amazing Luce.
You know what the best thing is about this place? What? You know that thing that you used to like me to do with the icecubes? Oh yeah.
In here we don't need the icecubes.
Are you serious, right here? Well we're friends with the Benedicts aren't we? Fucking right! What the fuck? HEARD YOU WERE MAKING PEOPLE CRY AT THE SCHOOL TODAY YOU FUCKING BULLY!!! Kinda busy here bud! Yeah well you're not gettin' your bird sucked today! Outside right now! Fuck off Bubbles at least let me put my cock away.
Bubbles, who's Bubbles? I'm the FUCKING.
Green Bastard parts unknown baby.
You fuck off I'm serious.
This wasn't my fault.
Oh I'm serious too Ricky! Put your fuckin' dukes up! What's going on here guys? Fuck off Randy it's between me and Ricky.
Look I'll fight Randy if you want but I'm not fighting you Bubbles.
Frig off Ricky! Gentlemen, calm Violence is never the answer.
Fuck you, Don, you weird spiritual bastard! Ricky's getting one right now.
You know what Bubbles? I'm sorry for what happened.
Yeah? Take your best shot 'cuz I'm not fighting ya.
Oh I'll do it! Go ahead do it! I'll fucking' do it Ricky! I WILL! GO AHEAD, I DON'T A FUCK!! Oh shit Bubbles! Oh my fuck! You knocked that motherfucker out hard! Oh my god Ricky! Wake up! Wake up! Are you all right? Rick! Julian I connected! RICKY WAKE UP!!! Oh I think he stopped breathing! Ricky don't die on me! Randy do something! DOES ANYBODY KNOW CPR? Somebody help please! Ah I know CPR, stand back! What the hell happened here Randy? Bubbles punched Ricky and killed him! No shit, give me some room boys.
Time for an expert.
I'm sorry.
Mister Lahey hurry up, he stopped breathin'! What the fuck? What the frig are ya doin'? Ah what the fuck happened? I'm sorry Ricky, I knocked ya out! I blasted ya one.
I didn't know what the fuck was going on.
I woke up saw him with a boner.
Why the fuck is his cock hard? He was trying to friggen help ya, ya idiot! TIMBER!!! There goes Lahey's wood.
Okay everybody party's over, everybody go back to your trailers, nothing more to see here.
- Are you all right, Ricky? - Not now.
Hey Ricky, can I talk to ya for a sec man? What, about banging my daughter right now? No you can't.
Once Ricky kinda, you know, cools down and then gets over, you know, this his anger about ah me being the Father of Trin's baby um I might be able to help him with some of his business, you know? How was jail? Ah it wasn't that bad actually.
Yeah it's fucking fun, isn't it? Good times.
I know.
Look man I really love Trinity and I'm going to work really hard to become a man for her and and for you.
Well that's good Jacob 'cuz you're FUCKED and you need to become a man, okay? He's a pretty good business man.
He's got lots of different ah things going on so maybe I, you know, I hopefully can help him doing different stuff, you know, like selling drugs.
You become a man maybe I'll shake your hand then.
- Okay, thanks Ricky! - Fuck off.
That went pretty well, eh? Yeah except for the fuck off part, that was cool.
He's the one that should be apologizing to me.
He embarrassed me in front of all those FUCKING people! Ricky think about what you did to him.
Bubbles.
Yeah? Ricky's out here.
He needs to talk to ya.
Hey Ricky.
I'm sorry I fuckin' embarrassed ya and made you piss yourself in front of all those fuckin' kids today.
It's all right Ricky I'm I'm sorry that I clobbered ya.
You know I wasn't trying to hurt ya I swear I just I was just mad, that's all.
I'm just, I'm under a lot of stress here boys.
We're running out of time.
I'm scared we're going to lose our homes.
I hear ya.
You know Julian you're always the one to figure these things out, how come you're not figuring it out? It's kinda hard to do when we're all fightin' Bubs.
Let's just have some fun tonight okay and I promise you guys I'll come up with a plan.
Yeah okay.
Let's hug it out.
Yeah let's hug it out boys.
No more fighting.
All right.
I love you guys.
I love you too.
Do you think we could get a chicken pizza and watch a movie tonight? Now that sounds fucking good.
Midnight Cowboy? Yeah sure.
Think we could get our jammies on? Bubs now you're pushing it.
No let's do it for him.
I mean I don't really have jammies but I can wear my underwear.