Turn Up Charlie (2019) s01e06 Episode Script

Episode 6

1 [MATCH FLARES] [SARA] I can do it.
Hey, uh, MacGyver, it's a bit windy for that.
- God damn it! - Do you need some help? - No, no, no.
No, no, no.
- Yeah, maybe you wanna get a bit lower.
Didn't you become famous so you didn't have to humiliate yourself like this? I got famous so I can kick my daughter's butt and nobody can stop me! [SCREAMS] No! I'm gonna tell Dad! You can't tell Dad.
He's in LA.
No one can help you.
I'll call him! I'll call him! Come back here - Boy Scouts.
- Show-off.
Don't give me that marshmallows round the fire bullshit.
I know you got kicked out after a week.
- Who told you that, David? - Is that true? - [HORN BEEPS] - David is a grass.
Who is ready to get fucked up? [LAUGHS] I mean, who is ready to enjoy the festival in a sensible and age-appropriate way? You know that I'm really here for Gabs, right? I want her to have the kind of childhood memories that regular kids have.
Yeah, yeah.
Lessen the guilt, cover your back, I get it.
I get it.
But you are still gonna do the gig.
Okay? 'Cause as much as you are here for Gabs, you are really here to widen your fanbase in Europe.
Who wants to do arts and crafts? Come on! I thought we were gonna do something cool.
[SARA] It's gonna be so cool.
So cool! Question.
Uh, can I just die instead? You can drive the little car thing.
- Really? - Don't fight it, Hunter.
You can't beat the arts and crafts! [SARA] Come on, you're gonna like it.
- [CHARLIE] Onwards! - [SARA] Whoo! Whoo - Whoo-hoo-hoo - [CHEERING] Whoo-hoo-hoo - Whoo-hoo-hoo - [BLEATING] Whoo-hoo-hoo The British are so fucking odd.
- [CHARLIE] This? - [SARA] And baby pink.
- And baby pink.
What else? - Um - Some glitter? - Yeah.
- [CHARLIE LAUGHS] Right! - This is so shit, Gabs.
- [CHARLIE] Okay, go on.
- Look, just suck it up, okay? Is this what your childhood was like? Making stuff out of things? God, no.
My dad was a Republican.
- He shot small animals in the front yard.
- Nice! - Gabs doesn't need to know that.
- Okay.
[GABS SIGHS] We're finished! Oh, wow, let's have a look.
You spelt "rocks" wrong.
- R-O-C-K-S.
- [LAUGHS] Hey! Some bigwigs from Berlin are in your trailer.
They wanna meet you.
They are saying some serious things in German.
Tell them I'm crafting with my daughter.
I am not gonna tell them that.
Tell them it's my manager's fault, because she doesn't know the meaning of family time.
Well, your manager thinks that if you really wanted family time, - you wouldn't have brought your nanny.
- Hey, what's up, boss? - [MUMBLING] - Hey, Charlie.
- Yeah.
- Why not take the rest of the day off? - What? - What? Yeah.
Make the most of your VIP pass, get your hustle on, talk to some music execs.
- I can look after these kids.
- You sure about that? Yeah.
Right, kids? Oh, I was just giving Hunter a hand.
[CHARLIE] Oh, okay.
I'll take a day off, definitely.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- You sure about this? - She's my daughter, I can handle it.
- [CHARLIE LAUGHS] - [GABS] Guess I was caught red-handed! [SARA AND GABS LAUGH LOUDLY] We could go on a beetle hunt in the woods, or we could conduct an orchestra of fruits and vegetables in the kids' area, or we could whittle wooden spoons with a goat puppet called Woody.
- [MAN] Hey! - [FOLK MUSIC PLAYING] [CHUCKLING] I know! Your mum is the worst.
Look, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't think it'd be like this.
Oh! [CHUCKLES] I didn't think she'd be so set on spending time with me.
[TUTS] That's the kick about neglect.
You don't how how great it is till it's gone.
[CHUCKLES] Yo, haircut.
How'd you get that beer? Press pass, baby.
It's the master key.
Fuck, yes! Let's go! Oh, okay.
That was amazing! Gabs, wanna Gabs! Gabs? Gabrielle! Gabs! So - You're this guy? - That's right.
- And you are? - His manager.
- How old are you? - 25.
- I think I'd better just ask my manager.
- Look! I dunno how woke you are, but just in case we're not up to speed, If I identify as that guy and she identifies as my 25-year-old manager, then by God, AKA Beyoncé, that is who we are! If you have a problem with that, we'll go to the nearest journalist, which is, oh, wait, all over the fucking place, and tell them that you're a fascist, backwards-looking, freedom-hating, Nazi sympathizer! - He's also gay.
- That's right.
So, give us the passes, you homophobe.
[YELLS] Thank you! Come on, Gabs.
All right.
You got this.
All right.
Hey-ho! Who fancies a free drink on me? [CHUCKLING] It's a free bar, innit? You all right? Charlie Ayo.
Know what I mean? Old-school legend from back in the day.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- Thanks, bro.
- Yeah, man.
- What did you say your name was again? - Charlie, Charlie Ayo.
Ninety seven.
Big tune.
And, uh So now, I'm collaborating with new people.
- Yeah, yeah.
I remember you now.
- You remember me? "Mambo No.
5," yeah? - Great tune, nice trumpet.
- No, that wasn't Yo! Dickhead! - Danny, you all right? - Aah! [LAUGHS] What happened to you the other week, baby? You left me high and dry with those radio pricks, didn't you? - You big old cock-tease! - [LAUGHS] My balls haven't been that blue since Lisa O'Connor gave me half a hand job in '98.
This is Danny, everyone.
So, I've got a better offer now, innit? That's what she said! Well, it's not, actually.
What she said was a lot fuckin' darker than that.
Was it? - All right? - Oi, oi, oi! Oi! Listen, you lot.
Be very careful with this guy.
If you give him an inch, he'll take that inch, yeah, and he will fuck you up your backside with it! - He's drunk, innit? - Yes.
Listen How's about I get you a gig in Ibiza? What, you wanna rep me now? Mm.
What can I say? I'm a very forgiving guy.
Plus, the tax situation's not going away, so - Is this nice and cold, is it? Cheers.
- Hey, no, no, that's his drink! Bro.
- Want another drink? - Mm.
I'll get that.
I'll get that.
- Yaaah! - [YELPS] - [GIGGLES] - Oh By the way, just to make an announcement, Coldplay aren't playing tonight, sorry.
Timmy Mallett.
- Ugh.
- [DANNY YELLS] Oi, oi! [WOMAN] Fool.
[LAUGHS] Not successful? Well, it depends on who you're talking about, yeah? Well, if it makes you feel any better, I don't think he has long to live.
- You know Danny? - Mm-hm.
I've seen him in Ibiza a few times.
He must have something on someone, because he always manages to get some loser a residency.
Really? But you, Charlie Ayo, do not need to butter up losers like that because you are banging someone who has Calvin Harris's number on speed dial.
- Shh! - Okay? [CHARLIE] Mmm.
You know what? - We shouldn't do this here.
- Why not? - You know - Oh, you're scared the big bad boss - is gonna catch us? - If you mean Gabrielle, yes! - She's already messed up as it is.
- Okay.
Okay, we can not have the best sex of your life - and we could maybe go and do something - Okay pleasant together.
Okay, yeah.
Erm Are you are you trying to get me to take you on a date? Yeah, I think I am.
- Okay.
- Yeah? Mm.
Come on, then.
Mm! So British.
[PHONE ALERT] You little shits! [GIGGLING] Good luck, Mom.
Come on, let's go.
[HUNTER] What's the ETA on her catching us, do you reckon? [GABS] With no Charlie to help her? We could be pensioners.
Well, in that case, we should crack open the bubbly, don't you think? How many bottles do you think I can fit in my bag? Five in your bag, two in each hand, one down your trousers.
You're a terrible influence, but I love it.
Ready to cause chaos? Bitch, I was born ready.
No way! A secret Beyoncé gig in the Faraway Forest? Wait, now? Okay.
I'm on my way.
[SQUEALS] Hey! Go on.
Don't you dare.
- [GROANS] - [LAUGHS] [DISTANT DANCE MUSIC THUMPING] Can I tell you something, Hunter? Hunter? Who's Hunter? I'm Archie, social media influencer.
Come on, dude, I'm trying to be serious here.
Okay, okay.
Maybe I can get a message through to this "Hunter.
" Tell him that I've never had a friend like him before.
Well I've never had a friend, so I don't know.
But I'm glad he's my first.
I'll DM him that.
Obviously, I can't speak for him myself, but I imagine he feels the same.
Want to go raid Solange's trailer? - I thought you'd never ask.
- [LAUGHS] [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] Oh, it's fantastic.
Look at that.
- Hey, bravo! - [APPLAUDS] Okay, I changed my mind.
Can we just go back to fucking? Come on.
Ladies love this shit.
All right? Look.
The floaty dresses, the plinky-plonky music [YAWNS LOUDLY] All right, the guy in tights.
You know, he's - All right, yeah.
- You know, he's - Yes.
- Yeah, don't get any ideas, yeah? I look wicked in tights.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
- Are you wearing them now? - No.
- Are you? - I don't I was joking.
- Let me see.
- What are you doing? - Look, there is no judging.
- What are you doing? - I'm also wearing pantyhose.
- Ow! I'm being assaulted! - [ASTRID LAUGHS] - 'Scuse me! We should date more often.
Except, at the end, you have to put out.
- Okay.
- [GIGGLES] - [MAN] Yeah, with your family - [SECOND MAN] Got my water [FIRST MAN] Get down to the Faraway Forest where we've got arts and crafts - [ASTRID] Mm.
- [PHONE BUZZES] - Hold on.
- Oh! Oh, no, that feels good.
No, it's my phone vibrating, you pervert.
- No, don't answer that.
- I have to.
No, she said she wanted to look after her own kid.
- Just let her.
- She might be in trouble! Hey, boss.
- Hey, Charlie, are you free? - What? Gabs and Hunter are playing hide and seek.
- I know it's just a game.
- Okay.
But this place is huge and I'm starting to worry.
- [WHISPERS] Fuck sake! - Thanks, Charlie.
- Really? - Seriously, quick, quick, quick! You know what Gabs' like, right? Hey! I'll find ya.
Um, where are ya? Do you have any drugs? Why have I never crowd-surfed before? 'Cause you haven't had an expert to show you how, that's why.
Someone put their thumb up my bum! You mean you enjoyed the collective feeling of trust and goodwill among strangers.
- Yeah, that too.
- Hah! What next? Where do you go after getting your arse felt up in Solange's bra? [MAN ON PA] Good afternoon, everyone.
For all of you waiting' for Archie Sykes' talk on his book Vlogging the Limelight, we're just waiting for Archie to arrive.
I think you give a talk about your upcoming book.
Come on, Archie.
- Hey, he's over here! - Gabs! - No.
No! - He's over here.
There's a line, woman! Mate, I'm telling you.
I'm Archie Sykes.
Look, you can buy condoms with my face on them.
Excuse me, did you give press passes to two unaccompanied underage kids? I wouldn't have let a couple of kids outwit me.
Neither would my staff, am I right? Excuse me, did you give my passes to them? They called me a homophobe! I'm not a homophobe, man.
- I've gotta vlog this.
- My uncle's gay.
- Oh, Christ! - Uh Okay.
You, where are you meant to be right now? - Plugging my book so I can buy a yacht.
- Let's go.
So that's why I'm going to be retiring from public life, and checking into rehab.
- [GASPING] - Oh, what? If you want to donate to help me with my masturbation problem uh, please do give to my glamorous assistant over there.
Yeah, yeah.
Question? Why do you look so different in real life? Unfortunately, that is one of the lesser-known side effects of being such a massive wanker.
- Thank you.
- Um, that and the hair loss.
They're here? I don't see them Dude, we got a problem.
Oh, my God.
Is that the world-famous DJ Sara Caine over there? - Run, Gabs! - [CLAMORING] Bye, Mom! Charlie, he's here! [CHARLIE] Sara! Down there! [SARA] Gab! [CHARLIE PANTING] Oh, my lifestyle's catching up with me.
I'm in the prime of my life right now.
We had them, we were so close.
Why didn't you catch them? I thought they taught you how to run in Camden.
Yeah, away from stuff, not towards it.
If David finds out about this, after all I've said about responsible parenting, I'll never hear the end of it.
What are we gonna do? We should get high.
- That's not helpful.
- No, no, no, like literally, get high.
No, come on.
Come on.
[SARA] Okay.
Walk me through the logic of this again? - Well, she's wearing a pink wig, right? - Yeah.
So we'll see more stuff from an elevated position.
Aunt Lydia always says, "Whatsoever is lost on earth shall be found in heaven.
" And heaven is on your shoulders? Yeah, yeah, pretty much.
Let's do this before you cheapen yourself further.
- All right, cool.
Whoo! - [LAUGHS] Someone's been eating the doughnuts! Okay.
- Whoa! - Oh! - Oof! - Ow! [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING] Eat, sleep, rave, repeat Eat, sleep, rave, repeat Eat, sleep, rave, repeat Eat, sleep, rave, repeat Hunter! Quit with the tongue gymnastics.
- Oh! - [MAN] Sorry! Eat, sleep, rave, repeat Eat, sleep, rave, repeat Eat, sleep, rave, repeat Eat, sleep, rave, repeat - Is that okay? - Yeah.
Is this how you imagined you'd be spending your time here? Well, my patient's a few years older than I expected, but, you know - Aah! Careful with your "fews!" - Ow, don't hit the nurse.
Ow! - [CHUCKLES] - Okay? Easy.
It's fun hanging with you outside the studio.
Well, there's me thinking you were sick of me.
Sick of your song, maybe.
Maybe you should finish it and put it out there, then.
Don't push me.
You're not too big for me to put over my knee, you know.
Oh, yeah? Which knee is that? The knee that I'm bandaging? I'm not Uh, the knee that you dropped from a height.
Listen, how about a little recognition? - For dropping me? - "Charlie, that was heaven!" - Recognition! - You was in heaven.
- You know - Are you two fucking? - What? No.
- No! Why did you say that? Then can you stop looking like you're fucking so I don't get a callfrom some trashy tabloid asking for a comment? Uh, and another thing.
I don't appreciate having to find my client using the tracking app on my phone.
Okay? Even Kanye answers the phone to his manager.
Astrid, listen Charlie.
it's fine.
We're all just doing our jobs.
Uh, sound check, don't forget.
[TUTS] [SARA] Hey.
I got an idea.
- She's really close.
- Yeah.
I don't know why we didn't think of this.
Listen, are you sure you don't wanna go sound check and I'll look for 'em? No, Charlie, what's more important? Sound check, or outsmarting the kids? Not worried about what Astrid's gonna say? Astrid? No.
I'm not Why would I worry? Oh! You're the nice guy with the really big With the what? What are you talking about? - I'm not gonna finish that sentence.
- Listen, uh You know what? It's really nothing.
- It's just a little bit of - [SCOFFS] - She told me.
Very satisfying fun.
- What, really? - No strings attached.
- Oh, okay.
Yeah, good good for you guys.
[CLEARS THROAT] You know what passed for a sext in my house? "Honey, do you think I should get a crown transplant?" [BOTH LAUGH] Oh, man.
Let's get Gab out of here.
Gabs! Oi! - [SARA] Gabriella! - [CHARLIE] Gabs! [SARA] Gabriella! [CHARLIE] Sara, look.
Gabs! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
- Calm down.
It doesn't mean anything, okay? It just means that she lost her hair and she lost her phone, that's it.
Okay? - I'm a terrible mother.
- You're not.
I'm a terrible mother.
I've been running around while my kid is here with these people.
You're not a terrible mother, okay? You're a great mum that's got a lot of shit on her plate, so just breathe.
Okay? I think she was here.
I think she lost her phone.
- I think she will be looking for you.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Yeah? And I think she'll go to a place that she knows you are gonna be at, which is - My secret gig.
- Yes! Come on.
[CHARLIE] Yeah, yeah, she looks like Annie.
She is probably face-down in a lake somewhere or injecting something into her eyeballs.
- Course she's not - [GABS] Mom! - Mom! - Hey! Oh, my God, Gabs.
Where have you been? I was so worried about you.
I couldn't find Hunter, and then I lost my phone.
And so I was worried that you guys stopped looking for me.
So I decided to come to your gig.
And those two assholes wouldn't let me through 'cause I didn't have my pass.
And then We'd never stop looking for you.
- [GABS SIGHS] - Well - [SCOFFS] - [CHARLIE LAUGHS] We didn't come here for my gig.
We came because Charlie knew you would come here.
I knew exactly where you'd be.
See? [SIGHS] How can I thank you? Er, you can, er name your next album after me.
- Ugh! - Just call it I Love Charlie.
You're amazing.
I know.
Don't you have a gig to do? I mean, seeing you smash it was the only reason I agreed to come, so Yeah, me too.
Also I have to deal with that.
Don't even ask.
- Kill it.
- Whoo! Come on! Come on! Come on! [CHARLIE] Go for it.
- [GABS] Whoo! Come on! - Whoo! Come on! - You made her nuts.
Are you crazy? - [SQUEALS] Hey, mate, let him in.
- No, don't let him in.
- Plonker.
Sara Caine! - Whoo-hoo! - Whoo-hoo! [CROWD CHEERING] [CROWD ERUPTING] [DANCE MUSIC STARTS] [CHEERING] Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Astrid, I promise you, I will wear the tightest tights.
- Charlie - You will see the bulge.
- I'll do some belly-da - Forget about it.
- It doesn't matter.
Forget about it.
- Come on! [CHUCKLING] Forget about it.
- Hey! - What? Why didn't you tell me you were banging some famous chick? - Oh! Thank you.
- What? Excuse me while I kill that rumor.
What rumor? Mate, what are you talking about? I saw you out there, gettin' all steamy with the lady DJ.
- Come here, man.
Come here.
- Ow! I can see why she likes you.
No, listen, that is my best mate's wife.
- I'd never do that.
- Naughty! I like it.
No, man, you're not listening to me.
I would never cross that line.
- Are you nuts? - Okay, fine.
But here's the thing.
- What? - Can I suggest that you do? I don't mean full-blown penetration.
Just a finger here or there wouldn't go amiss.
- What are you talking about? - A sex scandal.
- It could be very healthy for Ibiza sales.
- [NEW TRACK PLAYS] [CHEERING] - Sweet love - My tune! - And it's Charlie Ayo - Yeah, that's my tune! Sweet love - That's my track! - Spread, spread, spread, spread Spread love [CHEERING] Spread Yeah! Whoo! Thank you.
Listen, man.
You, me Ibiza! - Girls! Pills! - Yeah, yeah, yeah! - Jetskis, pills! - Yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah! - Yeah! - All right! - Mwah! - Sweet love - Yeah! Whoa! - Sweet love That's my tune, you know! That's my tune! Sweet love [CROWD CHANTING] You okay, babes? You want anything else? Only a bedtime story from Charlie.
What? No.
Bedtime story is not really my thing.
More beats and rhymes [BEATBOXING] Just tell me a story about you and David when you were growing up.
Oh-ho! That is my cue to tend the fire.
- Really? - Yeah.
Okay, what do you wanna hear? Uh David falling over? David embarrassing himself in front of girls? I've got loads of those stories.
David getting food poisoning when there was no toilet I want my dad to be more like you.
No, you don't.
I do.
I really do.
Hey, you want some parent juice? You deserve it more than David ever did.
- No, no, I'm all right.
- Oh.
You okay? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I, erm I think I left my sunglasses at the bar.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Er - So I'm gonna go and get that.
- All right? Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay, - All right, good night.
You all right, mate? Listen.
Erm Is Ibiza still on the table? Whoa! Fuck 180 alert.
You don't do that to someone as fucked as me, please.
- What's changed? - I just Listen, I just think that I'll be better off away from here.
Away from everything, you know what I mean? Oh, well - Debbie Downer, you know? - Oh, no, it's not that.
Listen - I'm kidding! - Oh! That's fucking great news, man! - All right.
- Fucking yes! We're gonna get mashed! Aah! Yes! Right, okay.
Fucking shorts or budgie smugglers? - What? - What's your weapon? - Weapon? - You know, your attire.
Swimwear? Talk about it on the plane, we'll work it out.
- I know a guy.
- You want a drink? - I'd love a fucking drink.
- I'll get it.
Can I get an iPhone charger as well, please? Oh, I know where to go.
Oi, oi! Oi, you lot! Charlie Ayo! This is him.
Get fucked, now, now, now Now, now, now, now, now, now, now Whoo! Whoo! Let's get the lock off Whoo! Whoo!