Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001) s01e02 Episode Script
Spunk
# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink # I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it # And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger, now #Just think I'll wait a while # I'll have a pint of lager, please! # And a pack of flakeys! # - Don't you worry about your weight? - Never needed to.
I've been the same weight since I was 14.
- Did you not go through puberty? - No.
- You've not put on a pound in seven years? - Shut up.
It don't matter.
She's more active than us, or made of polystyrene.
Get your bathroom scales.
I'm not being weighed like some big haddock.
No.
It'll be fun.
We'll all do it.
- We can all diet together.
- Yes.
Competitive anorexia.
- I'm off down the Archer.
- What's that? It's a rose.
For the love of my life.
Thank you.
It's beautiful.
I made it out of all the old tissue off the bedroom floor.
From when I had that cold.
Jonny, you know as well as I do it isn't snot sticking that together.
They're a lovely couple.
I won't be late, but if I am it's 'cause I'll have drowned in a river of love.
Oh! True love! No.
Blow job.
Who invented the pie? I mean, what a genius.
The subtle flavours of the steak, matched with the texture of the finest kidney, against the magnificent backdrop of the crumbling buttery pastry.
- If he was here, I'd shake his hand.
- I'd kiss him.
You big poof! Don't call me a poof.
You still haven't rung that Donna.
No, playing it cool, mate.
All women love a bastard.
I could be a bastard if I wanted to.
I showed you those Polaroids Janet posed for.
- That was pretty nasty.
- That was horny.
You've gotta distinguish.
You're rubbish at being a bastard.
You can tell the way Janet looks at you.
- How would she look at me if I was a bastard? - Like this.
You big poof! It's true.
When I decide to phone Donna, she'll be putty in me hands.
She's probably sat by her bay window now, weeping into a handkerchief.
Donna doesn't live in a Merchant Ivory film.
You should phone her.
What, "Hi, it's Gary.
Enjoyed the other night.
Fancy going to the cinema sometime?" Well, yeah.
Everything except the gay voice.
You should try it on Janet.
Don't phone her for a week.
I live with her.
I don't think she'd notice.
You're saying she doesn't notice you.
No, it's just that we communicate differently these days.
"Put the kettle on", "What's on telly?", "Fancy a shag?" Three phrases that form the basis of any long-term relationship.
You're being walked over, mate! I tell you what, you follow my plan of bastardry, she'll be all over you like flies round shit.
That sounds too tempting to miss.
- Are we all ready? - Why are you wearing your pyjamas? It gives a more accurate reading.
Anyway, they weigh less than my smock frock.
Why do I have to wear the swimming costume? I'd swap, but I don't wanna catch moaning thin person's disease.
- Better a moaning thin person than a moaning - You were gonna call me fat.
No, I wasn't.
I was just going to say it's better to be a moaning thin person than a moaning architect.
- Can we do this? - Me first.
I should be between eight and a half and nine stone.
But being such an architect, I'll probably weigh about 23.
Oh, well! Eight stone one.
Fantastic.
Janet, where d'you keep your pies? Me next.
Oh, eight stone three.
But then I have been drinking treacle.
Your turn.
But I don't think these things weigh in ounces.
- I do weigh something.
I'm not full of helium.
- No.
You just sound like it when you get excited! - Well? - Well what? - You're not the same weight as you were.
- Three pounds heavier.
I am on a diet.
In a week I will have lost my three pounds and I'll be exactly the same as when I was 14.
- You gonna start shoplifting again? - And pretending to be Glaswegian? And rocking back and forth in the darkness of your room? Just me, then.
What are you wearing? You look like some sort of lesbian.
- I'm gonna start exercising more.
- Is that why you're sweating? I haven't started yet.
In my day, we couldn't just nip down to the gym in times of slight chubbiness.
No.
We had to become addicted to speed like Twiggy.
You were never addicted to speed.
How d'you think I stayed so slim when I were pregnant with you? That - I could have been born deformed? - Could have been.
It's all "me, me, me" with you.
That's probably why your date hasn't phoned.
He never said he would.
I had a nice evening and I'm happy to leave it at that.
I've never said this before and I'll never say it again, so listen carefully.
Bollocks! Women are not suited to one-night stands.
We're predisposed to getting clingy and possessive.
And men love us for it.
I didn't sleep with him.
How would you know? I wash your knickers.
Maybe I did sleep with him.
But it's the 21st century and women can have one-night stands.
Who do you think men had them with in the '70s? Mostly you.
Within the next few days, you'll be phoning him.
Donna, don't try being a feminist.
You're a woman.
# 5, 6, 7, 8 # Foot kickin', finger clickin', Leather slappin', hand clappin' # Hip bumpin', music thumpin', Knee hitchin', heel and toe # Floor scuffin', leg shufflin', Big grinnin', body spinnin' # Rompin' stompin, pumpin'jumpin', Slidin'glidin', here we go # My boot-scootin' baby is drivin' me crazy # My obsession from a western, my dance-floor date # My rodeo Romeo, a cowboy god from head to toe # Wanna make you mine, better get in line, # 5, 6, 7, 8 # Mum! Mum, can you bring the shears up? (FARTS) Jonny, what are you doing? Will you please stop acting like a knobhead? - You're making me nervous.
- That's part way there.
Are you intimidated yet aroused? No, more irritated and unshaven.
Come on, give me a back rub.
No.
There's gonna be no back rubbing tonight, nor any other night.
- Things are gonna change around here.
- You're gonna start wearing deodorant? - Not that sort of change.
- Can you start, anyway? My friends've noticed.
No, because I'm a man, and as a man I can do exactly what I like.
Well, go on, then.
Raarrgh! - Well? - Well what? - Well, nothing's changed.
- Well, internally it has.
Raarrgh! Yeah, I see what you mean.
I brought up a bit of phlegm there.
I deserve more respect than this, and I will be acting, as you put it, like a knobhead.
- And what will that do? - It'll make you want me.
I do love you very much, but I'm gonna be horrible to you, and then you'll appreciate it more when I'm nice to you.
It'll improve the relationship.
Oh, Jonny! That is so sweet! Come here.
Anyway, I'm going down the pub.
Going down the pub.
You never go down the pub on a Tues OK.
- I'm quite good at being nasty.
- Oh, yeah.
It's like living with Satan himself.
Except Satan doesn't like S Club 7.
Why hasn't he rang? It's been two hours.
Oh, dear.
Germaine Greer would be turning in her grave.
- Germaine Greer isn't dead.
- She'll be turning in her KY Jelly, then.
Why hasn't he called? I can't believe you were right.
He only slept with me because I'm prettier than his hand.
Don't say that, darling.
- Thanks, Mum.
- Some men have actually got lovely hands.
- How do I get him to like me? - Well A bit of facial waxing wouldn't go amiss.
As the Bible says, hairlessness is next to godliness.
I haven't got a hairy face.
And some men like the natural look.
It says so in my magazine.
What magazine's that? Is it one from Russia? I'm gonna go round to Janet's.
I'll see you in a bit.
Don't have too much to eat.
I'm making takeaway for tea.
You would have thought he'd have rang.
How long did it take Jonny to phone? He stayed the first night and is still here.
He hasn't asked me to go out with him yet.
I can't believe he hasn't called.
I'm gonna tell him I'm only interested in sex.
- Are you? - Yes.
Treat him like a tampon.
Dip him in once, thrown him away.
- But you will get all clingy and possessive? - Eventually.
(KNOCKING) That's Jonny.
We're doing this thing where he treats me mean to keep me keen.
- To improve the relationship.
- Does it work? Don't know yet.
It's nice to get him out the way.
Gives me a chance to play with me verruca.
- What's wrong? What's happened? - Jogging.
A thin person who exercises.
Where's the humanity? - Shall I get you some water? - No.
Too many calories.
Let me make you a sandwich.
You look like a corpse.
A sweaty corpse.
No.
You just want me to be fat.
I've got to beat Rosemary Conley, the bitch.
- I wanna see bone.
- You're gonna look like the Jolly Roger.
Jolly makes me sound like a butcher, a fat butcher.
Did you say fat butcher or Pat Butcher? Come on, how's me plan going with Janet? - All right.
She thinks it's quite sweet, actually.
- Sweet? That's not the plan.
You ignore, intimidate and abuse.
That's not sweet.
It is when I do it.
- You've gotta treat her like you don't need her.
- But I do need her.
She makes me hummus.
Man can't live by hummus alone.
He lives by respect, dignity and adoration from his woman.
- So why aren't you dead? - I'm laying the seeds for my reign over Donna.
If I don't phone, the more insecure she becomes.
Soon she will surrender to my constant demand for sexual gratification.
- Constant demand? - Anything can get me going, mate.
Remind me not to sit next to you next time Man City score.
Could have me eye out.
You gotta stop acting so nice.
Try and be more like James Bond.
Love 'em and leave 'em.
I don't wanna leave her.
And I don't wanna shag Honor Blackman.
She looks like Auntie Mavis.
Trust me.
You wanna be a stud like me, make 'em beg.
Oh, my God.
Marry me.
- Get up.
We need to talk.
- Please don't dump me.
I think you've got a nice body and I'd like to bounce around on top of it.
- No boyfriend stuff.
- Why didn't you warn me you were coming? - Trying to catch me with some barmaid? - The barmaids round here call you Spazzy Gaz.
They call you Donna, so ner.
The point I'm trying to make is that I'm just after sex, sex, sex, then sex and then sex.
- Really? - Really.
I'm a big tart.
I love it.
- Really? - Really.
You're not gonna get all clingy and possessive? Would I do that? Let's get started! (PHONE RINGS) - It might be important.
- I'll start without you.
Can you not do that? It makes me insecure.
Hello? - Uh, yeah.
I'll just get her for you.
It's for you.
- Me? Hello? No.
No way.
Gaz, would you like to come and meet my family tomorrow? (STEPS: "5, 6, 7, 8") Yes! Yes! Thank you, God.
In your face, you fat slag! Jonny? Jonny? (JONNY) Janet, I have gone out.
Don't know when I'll be back.
Maybe never.
The housework better be done, though, else there'll be trouble, and I may even smack you one.
PS.
Love you loads, chicken bunny.
For three hours of drinking time, I have to discuss the finer points of broccoli.
Or see photos of you in your paddling pool when you were six and say, "Weren't you cute?" Then I start thinking, "At least your tits have got bigger.
" - You said no commitment.
- I meant it.
- So why have I gotta meet your family? - To complete our Jackson 5 reconstruction.
Since Grandad died, there's no Tito.
- We were just gonna have sex.
- We're already arguing about my mother.
Why stop there? Get rid of your porn and buy a dog.
A Labrador doesn't compensate for porn.
Or not unless it's got big tits.
- Do you want me to come? - No.
- Why not? - My mum'd ask you questions.
I'd find out you weren't that great and that you were a fanatical meteorologist and every time we had sex I'd see Ulrika Jonsson.
- Like I don't.
- You don't wanna come.
I don't want you to.
Problem sorted.
Now let's pay a little visit to Ulrika! You really think I'm great? I'm only here because you said you could tie a cherry stalk into a knot with your tongue.
- I'll practise later.
- How's me hair? Yeah, it's fine.
Come on.
Mum says come in.
Mum, this is Gary.
Ooh! My pleasure.
Call me Flo, as in Floella, as in Benjamin, as in "Play School", as in children's TV has-been.
She's very proud of that.
I was nearly called Little Ted.
It's a pleasure to meet you too, Flo.
You are a one, Gary.
Oh! Well, you two park yourselves.
I'll go finish scraping the fat off the salad.
- So where's your dad? - Oh.
He's in here.
- I'm sorry.
- He's very much alive.
- He just doesn't like - People.
Well, not people per se.
Just his own children.
I was kept in a cage till I was five.
He works away a lot.
So d'you get much sex, then? Yes, all the time.
Would you like a drink? Uh, yeah.
Thanks.
- So, uh, what's your favourite position? - Donna! - What? - Uh, can I have a cup of tea? - Yeah.
- Tea?! What have you been doing to him? I suppose on Saturdays he watches "Last of the Summer Wine" videos, like you did at 19.
- Forget it.
- There you go, Gary.
Get that down ya.
Bottoms up.
Ooh.
Come on through.
Chicken's nearly boiled.
- So what does our Gary do for a living? - He's an entrepreneur.
My ex-boyfriend was an entrepreneur.
He sells his mum's jewellery to buy drugs.
That sounds lovely.
- Well, I'm more of a mechanic these days.
- Oh.
Shame.
- Do you like children? - Mum.
It's all right.
My sister's got two or three now, and we're very close.
- And how old is she? - She's just turned 19.
Oh, dear.
Well, we'll have to send some leftovers round when we've finished.
He is lovely-looking.
How did you manage Never mind.
- (PHONE RINGS) - I'll get it.
- You know, you've got a beautiful daughter.
- Katie? She plays volleyball as well.
Oh, no, of course.
I mean you've got two beautiful daughters.
- Everything all right, Gary? - Hot sprout.
Thank you.
That were Janet.
Jonny's gone missing.
We've gotta go.
Sorry.
He has.
He really has left me.
He's not been back all night.
I should have taken his bastardry more seriously.
Oh, there, there.
Did I tell you I've lost loads of weight? I just thought it was a game.
He's probably shacked up with some blonde aerobics instructor who cleans the oven.
No, he's probably just been run over or something.
- Or have you checked the pubs? - He's not there.
We've tried.
We even went to that new lap dancing place.
We spent our money on the fat one for a laugh.
- It's why we're late.
- Did he take any clothes? - No.
Just his rollerblades.
- Shall we call the police? I've already done that.
It's your fault, Gaz.
All I said was that if he ignored you, he'd get more sex.
- Oh, did you? - Has he taken anything else? I don't know.
Oh, my God! Where is the Debbie Gibson CD? Oh, uh, we burnt that one night in a tribute to Billie.
- Let me see the suicide note.
- It is not a suicide note.
Sorry.
Just got caught in the drama there.
- "Chicken bunny?" - That was his special name for me.
I don't know what you're laughing at, Sergeant Snuggles.
It is not Sergeant Snuggles! I like to be called The Mighty Rod.
Can everybody concentrate on my grief? Janet's upset and we need to help her.
Can we have a bit more sensitivity? - Have you tried his ex-girlfriend.
She was a fox.
- Gaz! No, no, no, he won't be there.
Stop crying.
No, 'cause, remember, he left her, didn't he, for someone more homely and round.
- Have you tried his mum? - I am not telling her I've lost her son.
It was bad enough when I broke his nose with the remote.
- Broke his nose? - I wanted to watch "Coronation Street".
- Fair enough.
- Thank you.
- When did he go missing? - Yesterday.
- And he hasn't been back all night? Bastard! - He's following my advice.
- He's trying to sex you up.
- Not working.
It is.
On his return, you won't even be angry.
You'll fall into his arms like a bitch on heat.
Thank you, Gaz, but that will not be happening.
- It will.
- No.
It certainly will not be.
Don't be si - All right, Gaz? - All right, Jon? Jonny? All right, then.
Speak to you later.
Bye.
- Is he OK? - He's in hospital.
He's concussed.
- What happened? - He tried to help an old woman across the street.
She took offence and twatted him! (SQUEAKING) How long are they gonna keep you in for? Just until they've made sure my brain's OK.
Why did you do it, Jonny? - I'm sick of being a chicken bunny.
- You wanna be the bunny from hell? - Granada will only make a docusoap about you.
- I can't even be nasty to you, my girlfriend.
Jonny! It'd be totally out of character for you to be nasty.
You never forget to do the washing-up, or pumice my corns.
You wouldn't even show those Polaroids we did to your mates.
That is pretty amazing.
It's not broken, but I need looking after for a bit.
I'll ring you a taxi to your mum's.
No! I'm not your wet nurse.
- I told you, all I want is sex, sex, sex.
- Sex, sex, sex.
Where's the love? - I could get you a nurse's outfit.
- Who from? - Jonny.
- He wears nurses' clothes? It's complicated.
- I can go home.
- Nice one.
Jonny, is there any chance me and Donna can borrow your nurse's outfit? About those Polaroids, I I've not even been on a diet and the only exercise I've had is with Gaz.
- Well, actually - No, forget it.
Semen contains almost 5,000 calories per 100 grams.
- Really? Is that in the Rosemary Conley book? - No.
It's on my Cindy Crawford video.
She's a walking advert for spitting.
- Mind you, Gillian Taylforth doesn't look too bad.
- Maybe that's all she eats.
Come on, you two.
I've been waiting for this for days.
- Yes! - Oh! - What is it? - Your thighs.
- And your buttocks.
- I'm thin, aren't I? - Look at you.
- That's mingin'.
- You've been stretched.
- Oh, my God! What is it? They're stretch marks.
You get them if you lose weight fast.
They fade.
- Fade? To what? - To, like, little silvery lines.
- I'm gonna look like a stickleback.
- No, some men find them sexy.
- Really? - No.
Who wants a relief map on their thigh? - All my hard work, pointless.
What do I do? - We can still save you.
- Janet, where d'you keep your pies? - Forget the pies! Give me some spunk! Now! # I'll have a pint of lager, please! # - I don't feel welcome.
- You wouldn't.
You don't live here.
- I'm going.
- When do you want more sex? I don't know.
When Uranus circles Mars.
Me arse? By the way, 17 down, four words.
There's no such film as "Bone with the Wind!"
I've been the same weight since I was 14.
- Did you not go through puberty? - No.
- You've not put on a pound in seven years? - Shut up.
It don't matter.
She's more active than us, or made of polystyrene.
Get your bathroom scales.
I'm not being weighed like some big haddock.
No.
It'll be fun.
We'll all do it.
- We can all diet together.
- Yes.
Competitive anorexia.
- I'm off down the Archer.
- What's that? It's a rose.
For the love of my life.
Thank you.
It's beautiful.
I made it out of all the old tissue off the bedroom floor.
From when I had that cold.
Jonny, you know as well as I do it isn't snot sticking that together.
They're a lovely couple.
I won't be late, but if I am it's 'cause I'll have drowned in a river of love.
Oh! True love! No.
Blow job.
Who invented the pie? I mean, what a genius.
The subtle flavours of the steak, matched with the texture of the finest kidney, against the magnificent backdrop of the crumbling buttery pastry.
- If he was here, I'd shake his hand.
- I'd kiss him.
You big poof! Don't call me a poof.
You still haven't rung that Donna.
No, playing it cool, mate.
All women love a bastard.
I could be a bastard if I wanted to.
I showed you those Polaroids Janet posed for.
- That was pretty nasty.
- That was horny.
You've gotta distinguish.
You're rubbish at being a bastard.
You can tell the way Janet looks at you.
- How would she look at me if I was a bastard? - Like this.
You big poof! It's true.
When I decide to phone Donna, she'll be putty in me hands.
She's probably sat by her bay window now, weeping into a handkerchief.
Donna doesn't live in a Merchant Ivory film.
You should phone her.
What, "Hi, it's Gary.
Enjoyed the other night.
Fancy going to the cinema sometime?" Well, yeah.
Everything except the gay voice.
You should try it on Janet.
Don't phone her for a week.
I live with her.
I don't think she'd notice.
You're saying she doesn't notice you.
No, it's just that we communicate differently these days.
"Put the kettle on", "What's on telly?", "Fancy a shag?" Three phrases that form the basis of any long-term relationship.
You're being walked over, mate! I tell you what, you follow my plan of bastardry, she'll be all over you like flies round shit.
That sounds too tempting to miss.
- Are we all ready? - Why are you wearing your pyjamas? It gives a more accurate reading.
Anyway, they weigh less than my smock frock.
Why do I have to wear the swimming costume? I'd swap, but I don't wanna catch moaning thin person's disease.
- Better a moaning thin person than a moaning - You were gonna call me fat.
No, I wasn't.
I was just going to say it's better to be a moaning thin person than a moaning architect.
- Can we do this? - Me first.
I should be between eight and a half and nine stone.
But being such an architect, I'll probably weigh about 23.
Oh, well! Eight stone one.
Fantastic.
Janet, where d'you keep your pies? Me next.
Oh, eight stone three.
But then I have been drinking treacle.
Your turn.
But I don't think these things weigh in ounces.
- I do weigh something.
I'm not full of helium.
- No.
You just sound like it when you get excited! - Well? - Well what? - You're not the same weight as you were.
- Three pounds heavier.
I am on a diet.
In a week I will have lost my three pounds and I'll be exactly the same as when I was 14.
- You gonna start shoplifting again? - And pretending to be Glaswegian? And rocking back and forth in the darkness of your room? Just me, then.
What are you wearing? You look like some sort of lesbian.
- I'm gonna start exercising more.
- Is that why you're sweating? I haven't started yet.
In my day, we couldn't just nip down to the gym in times of slight chubbiness.
No.
We had to become addicted to speed like Twiggy.
You were never addicted to speed.
How d'you think I stayed so slim when I were pregnant with you? That - I could have been born deformed? - Could have been.
It's all "me, me, me" with you.
That's probably why your date hasn't phoned.
He never said he would.
I had a nice evening and I'm happy to leave it at that.
I've never said this before and I'll never say it again, so listen carefully.
Bollocks! Women are not suited to one-night stands.
We're predisposed to getting clingy and possessive.
And men love us for it.
I didn't sleep with him.
How would you know? I wash your knickers.
Maybe I did sleep with him.
But it's the 21st century and women can have one-night stands.
Who do you think men had them with in the '70s? Mostly you.
Within the next few days, you'll be phoning him.
Donna, don't try being a feminist.
You're a woman.
# 5, 6, 7, 8 # Foot kickin', finger clickin', Leather slappin', hand clappin' # Hip bumpin', music thumpin', Knee hitchin', heel and toe # Floor scuffin', leg shufflin', Big grinnin', body spinnin' # Rompin' stompin, pumpin'jumpin', Slidin'glidin', here we go # My boot-scootin' baby is drivin' me crazy # My obsession from a western, my dance-floor date # My rodeo Romeo, a cowboy god from head to toe # Wanna make you mine, better get in line, # 5, 6, 7, 8 # Mum! Mum, can you bring the shears up? (FARTS) Jonny, what are you doing? Will you please stop acting like a knobhead? - You're making me nervous.
- That's part way there.
Are you intimidated yet aroused? No, more irritated and unshaven.
Come on, give me a back rub.
No.
There's gonna be no back rubbing tonight, nor any other night.
- Things are gonna change around here.
- You're gonna start wearing deodorant? - Not that sort of change.
- Can you start, anyway? My friends've noticed.
No, because I'm a man, and as a man I can do exactly what I like.
Well, go on, then.
Raarrgh! - Well? - Well what? - Well, nothing's changed.
- Well, internally it has.
Raarrgh! Yeah, I see what you mean.
I brought up a bit of phlegm there.
I deserve more respect than this, and I will be acting, as you put it, like a knobhead.
- And what will that do? - It'll make you want me.
I do love you very much, but I'm gonna be horrible to you, and then you'll appreciate it more when I'm nice to you.
It'll improve the relationship.
Oh, Jonny! That is so sweet! Come here.
Anyway, I'm going down the pub.
Going down the pub.
You never go down the pub on a Tues OK.
- I'm quite good at being nasty.
- Oh, yeah.
It's like living with Satan himself.
Except Satan doesn't like S Club 7.
Why hasn't he rang? It's been two hours.
Oh, dear.
Germaine Greer would be turning in her grave.
- Germaine Greer isn't dead.
- She'll be turning in her KY Jelly, then.
Why hasn't he called? I can't believe you were right.
He only slept with me because I'm prettier than his hand.
Don't say that, darling.
- Thanks, Mum.
- Some men have actually got lovely hands.
- How do I get him to like me? - Well A bit of facial waxing wouldn't go amiss.
As the Bible says, hairlessness is next to godliness.
I haven't got a hairy face.
And some men like the natural look.
It says so in my magazine.
What magazine's that? Is it one from Russia? I'm gonna go round to Janet's.
I'll see you in a bit.
Don't have too much to eat.
I'm making takeaway for tea.
You would have thought he'd have rang.
How long did it take Jonny to phone? He stayed the first night and is still here.
He hasn't asked me to go out with him yet.
I can't believe he hasn't called.
I'm gonna tell him I'm only interested in sex.
- Are you? - Yes.
Treat him like a tampon.
Dip him in once, thrown him away.
- But you will get all clingy and possessive? - Eventually.
(KNOCKING) That's Jonny.
We're doing this thing where he treats me mean to keep me keen.
- To improve the relationship.
- Does it work? Don't know yet.
It's nice to get him out the way.
Gives me a chance to play with me verruca.
- What's wrong? What's happened? - Jogging.
A thin person who exercises.
Where's the humanity? - Shall I get you some water? - No.
Too many calories.
Let me make you a sandwich.
You look like a corpse.
A sweaty corpse.
No.
You just want me to be fat.
I've got to beat Rosemary Conley, the bitch.
- I wanna see bone.
- You're gonna look like the Jolly Roger.
Jolly makes me sound like a butcher, a fat butcher.
Did you say fat butcher or Pat Butcher? Come on, how's me plan going with Janet? - All right.
She thinks it's quite sweet, actually.
- Sweet? That's not the plan.
You ignore, intimidate and abuse.
That's not sweet.
It is when I do it.
- You've gotta treat her like you don't need her.
- But I do need her.
She makes me hummus.
Man can't live by hummus alone.
He lives by respect, dignity and adoration from his woman.
- So why aren't you dead? - I'm laying the seeds for my reign over Donna.
If I don't phone, the more insecure she becomes.
Soon she will surrender to my constant demand for sexual gratification.
- Constant demand? - Anything can get me going, mate.
Remind me not to sit next to you next time Man City score.
Could have me eye out.
You gotta stop acting so nice.
Try and be more like James Bond.
Love 'em and leave 'em.
I don't wanna leave her.
And I don't wanna shag Honor Blackman.
She looks like Auntie Mavis.
Trust me.
You wanna be a stud like me, make 'em beg.
Oh, my God.
Marry me.
- Get up.
We need to talk.
- Please don't dump me.
I think you've got a nice body and I'd like to bounce around on top of it.
- No boyfriend stuff.
- Why didn't you warn me you were coming? - Trying to catch me with some barmaid? - The barmaids round here call you Spazzy Gaz.
They call you Donna, so ner.
The point I'm trying to make is that I'm just after sex, sex, sex, then sex and then sex.
- Really? - Really.
I'm a big tart.
I love it.
- Really? - Really.
You're not gonna get all clingy and possessive? Would I do that? Let's get started! (PHONE RINGS) - It might be important.
- I'll start without you.
Can you not do that? It makes me insecure.
Hello? - Uh, yeah.
I'll just get her for you.
It's for you.
- Me? Hello? No.
No way.
Gaz, would you like to come and meet my family tomorrow? (STEPS: "5, 6, 7, 8") Yes! Yes! Thank you, God.
In your face, you fat slag! Jonny? Jonny? (JONNY) Janet, I have gone out.
Don't know when I'll be back.
Maybe never.
The housework better be done, though, else there'll be trouble, and I may even smack you one.
PS.
Love you loads, chicken bunny.
For three hours of drinking time, I have to discuss the finer points of broccoli.
Or see photos of you in your paddling pool when you were six and say, "Weren't you cute?" Then I start thinking, "At least your tits have got bigger.
" - You said no commitment.
- I meant it.
- So why have I gotta meet your family? - To complete our Jackson 5 reconstruction.
Since Grandad died, there's no Tito.
- We were just gonna have sex.
- We're already arguing about my mother.
Why stop there? Get rid of your porn and buy a dog.
A Labrador doesn't compensate for porn.
Or not unless it's got big tits.
- Do you want me to come? - No.
- Why not? - My mum'd ask you questions.
I'd find out you weren't that great and that you were a fanatical meteorologist and every time we had sex I'd see Ulrika Jonsson.
- Like I don't.
- You don't wanna come.
I don't want you to.
Problem sorted.
Now let's pay a little visit to Ulrika! You really think I'm great? I'm only here because you said you could tie a cherry stalk into a knot with your tongue.
- I'll practise later.
- How's me hair? Yeah, it's fine.
Come on.
Mum says come in.
Mum, this is Gary.
Ooh! My pleasure.
Call me Flo, as in Floella, as in Benjamin, as in "Play School", as in children's TV has-been.
She's very proud of that.
I was nearly called Little Ted.
It's a pleasure to meet you too, Flo.
You are a one, Gary.
Oh! Well, you two park yourselves.
I'll go finish scraping the fat off the salad.
- So where's your dad? - Oh.
He's in here.
- I'm sorry.
- He's very much alive.
- He just doesn't like - People.
Well, not people per se.
Just his own children.
I was kept in a cage till I was five.
He works away a lot.
So d'you get much sex, then? Yes, all the time.
Would you like a drink? Uh, yeah.
Thanks.
- So, uh, what's your favourite position? - Donna! - What? - Uh, can I have a cup of tea? - Yeah.
- Tea?! What have you been doing to him? I suppose on Saturdays he watches "Last of the Summer Wine" videos, like you did at 19.
- Forget it.
- There you go, Gary.
Get that down ya.
Bottoms up.
Ooh.
Come on through.
Chicken's nearly boiled.
- So what does our Gary do for a living? - He's an entrepreneur.
My ex-boyfriend was an entrepreneur.
He sells his mum's jewellery to buy drugs.
That sounds lovely.
- Well, I'm more of a mechanic these days.
- Oh.
Shame.
- Do you like children? - Mum.
It's all right.
My sister's got two or three now, and we're very close.
- And how old is she? - She's just turned 19.
Oh, dear.
Well, we'll have to send some leftovers round when we've finished.
He is lovely-looking.
How did you manage Never mind.
- (PHONE RINGS) - I'll get it.
- You know, you've got a beautiful daughter.
- Katie? She plays volleyball as well.
Oh, no, of course.
I mean you've got two beautiful daughters.
- Everything all right, Gary? - Hot sprout.
Thank you.
That were Janet.
Jonny's gone missing.
We've gotta go.
Sorry.
He has.
He really has left me.
He's not been back all night.
I should have taken his bastardry more seriously.
Oh, there, there.
Did I tell you I've lost loads of weight? I just thought it was a game.
He's probably shacked up with some blonde aerobics instructor who cleans the oven.
No, he's probably just been run over or something.
- Or have you checked the pubs? - He's not there.
We've tried.
We even went to that new lap dancing place.
We spent our money on the fat one for a laugh.
- It's why we're late.
- Did he take any clothes? - No.
Just his rollerblades.
- Shall we call the police? I've already done that.
It's your fault, Gaz.
All I said was that if he ignored you, he'd get more sex.
- Oh, did you? - Has he taken anything else? I don't know.
Oh, my God! Where is the Debbie Gibson CD? Oh, uh, we burnt that one night in a tribute to Billie.
- Let me see the suicide note.
- It is not a suicide note.
Sorry.
Just got caught in the drama there.
- "Chicken bunny?" - That was his special name for me.
I don't know what you're laughing at, Sergeant Snuggles.
It is not Sergeant Snuggles! I like to be called The Mighty Rod.
Can everybody concentrate on my grief? Janet's upset and we need to help her.
Can we have a bit more sensitivity? - Have you tried his ex-girlfriend.
She was a fox.
- Gaz! No, no, no, he won't be there.
Stop crying.
No, 'cause, remember, he left her, didn't he, for someone more homely and round.
- Have you tried his mum? - I am not telling her I've lost her son.
It was bad enough when I broke his nose with the remote.
- Broke his nose? - I wanted to watch "Coronation Street".
- Fair enough.
- Thank you.
- When did he go missing? - Yesterday.
- And he hasn't been back all night? Bastard! - He's following my advice.
- He's trying to sex you up.
- Not working.
It is.
On his return, you won't even be angry.
You'll fall into his arms like a bitch on heat.
Thank you, Gaz, but that will not be happening.
- It will.
- No.
It certainly will not be.
Don't be si - All right, Gaz? - All right, Jon? Jonny? All right, then.
Speak to you later.
Bye.
- Is he OK? - He's in hospital.
He's concussed.
- What happened? - He tried to help an old woman across the street.
She took offence and twatted him! (SQUEAKING) How long are they gonna keep you in for? Just until they've made sure my brain's OK.
Why did you do it, Jonny? - I'm sick of being a chicken bunny.
- You wanna be the bunny from hell? - Granada will only make a docusoap about you.
- I can't even be nasty to you, my girlfriend.
Jonny! It'd be totally out of character for you to be nasty.
You never forget to do the washing-up, or pumice my corns.
You wouldn't even show those Polaroids we did to your mates.
That is pretty amazing.
It's not broken, but I need looking after for a bit.
I'll ring you a taxi to your mum's.
No! I'm not your wet nurse.
- I told you, all I want is sex, sex, sex.
- Sex, sex, sex.
Where's the love? - I could get you a nurse's outfit.
- Who from? - Jonny.
- He wears nurses' clothes? It's complicated.
- I can go home.
- Nice one.
Jonny, is there any chance me and Donna can borrow your nurse's outfit? About those Polaroids, I I've not even been on a diet and the only exercise I've had is with Gaz.
- Well, actually - No, forget it.
Semen contains almost 5,000 calories per 100 grams.
- Really? Is that in the Rosemary Conley book? - No.
It's on my Cindy Crawford video.
She's a walking advert for spitting.
- Mind you, Gillian Taylforth doesn't look too bad.
- Maybe that's all she eats.
Come on, you two.
I've been waiting for this for days.
- Yes! - Oh! - What is it? - Your thighs.
- And your buttocks.
- I'm thin, aren't I? - Look at you.
- That's mingin'.
- You've been stretched.
- Oh, my God! What is it? They're stretch marks.
You get them if you lose weight fast.
They fade.
- Fade? To what? - To, like, little silvery lines.
- I'm gonna look like a stickleback.
- No, some men find them sexy.
- Really? - No.
Who wants a relief map on their thigh? - All my hard work, pointless.
What do I do? - We can still save you.
- Janet, where d'you keep your pies? - Forget the pies! Give me some spunk! Now! # I'll have a pint of lager, please! # - I don't feel welcome.
- You wouldn't.
You don't live here.
- I'm going.
- When do you want more sex? I don't know.
When Uranus circles Mars.
Me arse? By the way, 17 down, four words.
There's no such film as "Bone with the Wind!"