Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001) s01e03 Episode Script

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink # I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it # And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger, now #Just think I'll wait a while # I'll have a pint of lager, please! # And a pack of flakeys # - I have a problem.
- I love your problems.
They're so trivial.
It's like I'm in "Sabrina the Teenage Witch".
Well, I was in the library yesterday, and this guy I sort of know, Kev, kind of said hello.
Oh, my God! Did you ring the police? It was the way he said it that bothered me.
(DEEP VOICE) "Hi.
" - You're worried about catching laryngitis? - Do you think he likes me? - What was he doing as he said "Hi"? - An eyebrow thing.
Ah, now, eyebrow like Jack Nicholson or eyebrow like Anne Robinson? Somewhere in between, sort of like "Hi.
" And did he have a copy of "Guns Monthly"? No, he's very nice.
And I'm sure to see him again this week.
I need to know if he fancies me.
My Sting fantasies are wearing a bit thin.
- It's always the same plot.
- OK, if he likes you, he'll touch your arm.
He's flirting, not playing tig.
No, not like that? Like that.
Slowly move away from her, Janet.
If he's anything like Jonny, he'll offer her a B&H and ask if she's on the pill.
Or if he's really bold, he'll come over like this, and he'll touch your hair.
Will you stop coming on to your friends? - If you don't want my help - No, go for your life.
Lick me if you want.
- Or he could look you in the eyes - Yeah? till you think you're the most beautiful girl in the world.
Then he could touch your face as if it's the most lovely saucer.
Yeah, but getting you an AC/DC T-shirt out of the skip means he really fancies you.
Janet, you and Jonny have been together ages, he's not supposed to fancy you any more.
What if he grabs your tits and goes "One for the lads!" when Liverpool score? - That does mean he fancies you? - No.
You're like a comfortable old boot.
Nice choice of words, Donna.
- All right, a housecoat, then.
- Oh, cheers.
A housecoat.
A housecoat is not fanciable.
I've got a housecoat.
Oh, God! He really doesn't fancy me! Hello, there! I have had eight pints and two tequilas, and I still reckon I could drive.
- Anyone want to go to McDonald's? - Hi.
So, er you're in full working order, then? You look like a beautiful saucer.
What was it you think I just said? - Nice evening? - It was all right.
- I'm going round to Gaz's.
- Lovely.
Are you moving out soon, then? - What did you say? - Nothing.
It'll keep.
Just like you, it'll keep.
Just like you, sponging off your mother.
- I don't sponge.
I pay you rent.
- Rent? I suppose that's consolation for the lack of privacy I've suffered for 23 years? You can't call having children a lack of privacy.
Oh, no? You just wait.
It's all, "That baby needs feeding.
" "That baby needs changing.
" "Why's that baby turning blue?" Bloody doctors! I pay loads more than I use in gas or leccy.
And does that compensate for, like well, the time you walked in on me when I was examining myself? I don't remember that.
Oh, no.
Wait a minute - Have you got any of that Valium left? - Katie used it in her last suicide attempt.
Now, we've got to think about Katie.
She's nearly 16.
She'll need your bedroom soon.
- Why? - Double bed.
I don't want my first grandchild conceived in a Ford Capri like you were.
I'm not moving out.
I'm quite happy here.
You could, er move in with Gary.
Well, he's not asked me.
It's not that serious.
It's just about sex.
Just sex? Has he got a Capri? - No, he's got a moped.
- Sidecar? No, he's got a flat with a bed, which is where I'm going.
A bed? I'm impressed.
I thought you'd be more "pally in the ally" type.
- No.
- "Nookie behind the bookies"? - Will you stop rhyming at me? - I could've been a poet.
OK.
Think about a rhyme for "sod off", then.
I've got lovely hair.
- That doesn't rhyme.
- I have though, haven't I? - You'll call me in a bit, then? - Sure as eggs is eggs.
- My history teacher used to say that.
- Which is why you like it, you little minx! - She was a woman.
- Which is why I like it.
Oh.
Get out while the image is still in my head.
- I'll see you in a bit.
- See you.
(TOM JONES) # Now you found the secret code I use # To wash away my lonely blues # So I can't deny or lie # 'Cause you're the only one to make me fly # Sex bomb, sex bomb # You're a sex bomb # You can give it to me when I need to come along # Sex bomb, sex bomb # You're my sex bomb # Baby, you can turn me on # (GAGS) Golden Virginia? It's Donna! (MUSIC STOPS) Jonny! Jonny, it's Donna! No, she's still alive.
No, she's not with child.
It's worse.
She's moved her toothbrush in! Jesus Christ! No, no.
She's gone shopping.
Yeah, 'course I can come.
Ten minutes, yeah? All right.
How the mighty have fallen.
Hiya.
(SEDUCTIVELY) Hey.
How's it going sailor? - I've gotta go.
Bad situation with Gaz.
- Well, er how bad could it be when we have? (HACKS) When we have bronchitis? - Don't you want to see what I've bought? - You always buy shoes and Marmite.
I'll be back soon, and we'll have Marmite on toast.
Then we can get drunk as trousers and play Rummikub.
Take a Strepsil for that voice.
It could scare me mum if she rings.
Marmite.
I should not be eating Marmite.
Marmite's not sexy food.
Now, oysters - oysters are sexy.
Mind you, they do taste like phlegm.
(SEDUCTIVELY) Hey? Hey? How's it going, sailor sailOR? Donna? Janet.
Can you come to the pub? I've got a real emergency.
Oh, yeah, I do sound a bit like Angela Rippon, don't I? Look, maybe she just forgot the toothbrush.
Maybe she forgot the toothbrush? Maybe Valerie Singleton's a cyborg and talks to the tree people.
You're getting hysterical.
Does it matter if she moves in, anyway? - You think she's gonna ask? - No, she'll definitely not ask.
Why ask when you can say no? - She'll just merge.
- Merge? She'll become as one with the flat.
First the toothbrush, then the hairdryer, then the Tickle-Me Elmo.
No! No, that's it.
No, I'll just move flats.
I'll get a new one off the council.
- I'll say that this one's infested.
- What with? With girlfriend.
They'll understand.
They'll put me in a protection programme.
You're not being stalked.
Besides, the council don't like you ever since you complained about the flowers outside your house.
I didn't know there'd been a crash.
They won't move you if your only problem's a toothbrush.
They moved that Jill because of her laundry.
They moved her because you were stealing her bras.
- They never found me out.
- Yeah, but all the kids call you Mr Perv.
I thought they were calling me Mr Lurve Which is actually more worrying.
How do I get to bump uglies without that dental crap moving in? If Donna can't move in with you, she might look elsewhere.
No.
No.
You see, once you've tried the Gazster love, nothing else will ever do.
Eight minutes of heaven followed by beans on toast.
Sometimes I wish I was a woman Gazster.
You may mock, but no woman has ever cheated on me.
So? Janet's never cheated on me.
Oh? How can you be sure she was shopping today? She came back with loads of bags from, er Gossard.
Buying underwear, eh? That's the first sign.
Underwear? It's a grocer's, innit? Well, not unless she's buying peephole cabbages or split-crotch sausages.
So she's been buying some knickers.
Make sure she doesn't wear them going out.
Oh, leave it.
Janet'd never cheat on me I think.
All right, how would I know if she was riding the love train to Cheatsville? Well, underwear's a dead giveaway.
When did she last buy knickers? Er When her last ones became transparent.
- They could be for me.
- Doubtful.
Nylon makes your hair frizzy.
No, she could be planning, like, a live sex show.
Oh.
Has she done owt like that before? No.
She did once make a Victoria sponge in the shape of an arse.
Now, that's quite sexy.
Sponge That rocks my world.
And I can use the toilet when she's in the shower.
Just like the "Red Shoe Diaries".
- What are you saying? - Well, it seems odd.
She buys underwear and doesn't let you perv at her.
She's probably putting it on right now, just waiting to seduce me.
Yeah, or she's taking it off for some TJ Hooker type.
- TJ Hooker type? - Yeah, the James Taylor Quartet.
They did all the best porn music.
(IMITATES FUNKY BASS LINE) (BARRY WHITE-STYLE) # Hey, baby, take it all.
Oh, yeah! # - Remember? - Yeah.
(LOCK RATTLES) Hello, stinky-arse.
- I'm on my way out in a minute.
- Where you going? Pub.
Unless you don't want me to, of course.
- Well, who's gonna be there? - The usual.
- Just girls? - Yeah, why? No TJ Hooker types? - What are you talking about? - Nothing.
Yes.
Well, anyway, I might be late.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Janet? - What? - Are you wearing underwear? - What? - Why would women buy underwear? - I don't know.
- Maybe they want to be found sexy.
- To men? No, to antelope, Jonny.
Well, what else do they do, women? Well, they cook, clean and make tiny babies.
No, what do they do when they want to get men to be rude? Hmm Call them our slag hounds? No, not rude.
How do you really turn a man on? - You want to know how to turn a man on? - No - I want to know how YOU turn a man on.
- I wish I knew.
I think Kev likes me.
He's touching my arm all the time now.
- Oh, yeah.
And the hair? - It's bit like Tin Tin, but I'll change him.
Like you did when Jonny had that mullet phase.
What have you got in common? Does he use his boobs to get served? Well, we both love shopping and large women on "Coronation Street".
And you'll never guess, he likes collecting Sylvanian Families for kitsch value, as well.
- Carry on.
- He loves his mum.
- He loves Steps, and he loves - Shagging men? - I beg your pardon? - Everything you've told us, Louise, means that he's camper than a row of tents.
- Pink tents with gay men in them.
- Gay men sniffing poppers.
OK, I get the message, but he's not gay.
- How can you be sure? - He likes football.
He likes David Beckham and Michael Owen.
They play for different teams.
Beckham's United, Owen's Liverpool.
See? Never any men around when I'm being impressive.
You can support more than one team.
Gaz supports City, but I heard him cheering for England.
Anyway, he drinks bitter, so he can't be gay.
- Why? Are they allergic? - No, but it's a manly man's drink.
A real butch, masculine, chunky Oh Sorry, Donna.
Anyway, I'll prove it to you.
I'm going to ask him on a date myself.
Tomorrow.
When we go to the Disney Shop.
- How did your shopping go, Jan? - Oh, it was all right.
I bought some underwear.
Well, lingerie, really.
Really? Did Jonny like it? Is that why you're all pink? No, that's my eczema.
Truth is, Donna, he didn't even notice.
I tried to make him by acting all sexy - No! Don't go in acting all weird.
- I said I acted sexy.
I used to go on the pull with you, remember? You do this voice thing and all this leaning.
- You're like a drunken goat.
- That is what got Jonny in the first place.
Yes, but Jonny was on heroin back then.
- No, he wasn't.
- Well, penicillin for his scabs.
Same thing.
- Just cook his favourite meal.
We'll help.
- Oh, yeah.
What's his favourite? I do a mean turnip swan carving.
No, that's probably not his favourite.
Um Well, I'll just make a pie or summat.
Ah, now.
Pie.
That's the aphrodisiac of the gods.
- And where have you been? - Well, I've been to the pub, but if that was a rhetorical question, where have we all been? - Don't get smart with me, lady.
- I've been drinking absinthe.
I won't be getting smart for the next two decades.
I've been worried sick about you.
You could've been in a ditch somewhere.
You never worried when I ran away to Stoke-on-Trent.
You were only trying to find Robbie Williams.
Your dad did the same thing for The Wurzels.
I slept rough for two nights in Trentham Gardens before you realised I was gone.
We've all suffered.
It's part of being a woman.
Being mistaken for a bin-bag by a park keeper is not part of being a woman.
You'd be surprised.
Have you not considered moving out for my sake? You know, the worry, the stress - it kills.
- Am I in your will? - A bit.
Then, worry away, Mother, 'cause I'm not going anywhere.
Although I am going to Gaz's, and tomorrow I'm helping Janet seduce her fella with food.
You can't seduce a fella with food.
You need that drug.
The one that makes people forget they've ever had sex? - Rhohypnol? That's sick, Mum.
- No, Night Nurse.
- Works a treat on your dad.
- Well, we're not using Night Nurse.
We'll be using the age-old tradition of turnip swan carving.
Make sure it's well lubricated.
See you later.
Will you shut up you knob? - What's the matter with you, moody? - It's Sunday.
You woke me up, rustling.
My incessant rustling is a problem.
- Well, it's an infringement of space.
- Space? Here we go.
- You need space, Gaz? - No, just a bit of peace.
Peace? I'm sat here reading the paper on a Sunday morning.
It's not Kuwait.
- You woke me up.
- You wake me up all the time.
How? And not the owl noises.
I don't do that.
"Ooh! Ooh!" It's like a buggering ambulance.
- No one else has mentioned it.
- So of all the girls you've been with, I'm the only one that makes you go "ooh"? Well, you're the only one to wake me up.
Do y'know, it's? It's like It's like you're merging.
- Merging? - Yeah.
Yeah, look.
- You left your cup there.
- And by that I'm merging? - You use my razor.
- Only on my armpits.
- Look, you've done me crossword! - This paper is two months old.
I only buy it every three for the crossword.
- I thought it was emergency toilet roll.
- It has many uses.
- I don't feel very welcome.
- Well, you don't live here.
I get it.
You're having a nice male paranoid fantasy, using words like "space" and "time".
- I've had enough of your quantum physics.
- I've got no idea what you just said.
- I'm going.
- When are you coming for more sex? I don't know.
When Uranus circles Mars.
Me arse? And by the way - 17 down, four words? There is no such film as "Bone with the Wind".
Hiya.
- You're supposed to be gone.
- Why? Because there's an incredibly important football thing at the pub.
- No, there's not.
- There is.
It's an interview with Houllier.
- What kind? - With naked ladies.
- Don't be ridiculous.
- Naked footballers' wives - Louise Redknapp, Victoria Beckham, Mrs Shankly.
- What are you doing? - Just leave.
- Why? - I have an obsessive compulsive disorder.
If you don't go, the ceiling will fall in.
- Are you expecting someone? - No.
Just don't come back before seven.
- Why seven? - Mystical number.
Bye.
Right.
Wine.
Right.
Meths.
(CAMP VOICE) She thought Samsara was a kind of dress, I tell you! God, this beer is dis-gus-ting! Tastes like an old man's farts.
Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, yeah.
When I go to a party, I am the party.
The other week, there was this nasty old slag, so I said, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the face ain't listening!" Got that off Ricki Lake.
Love her.
You've got to, haven't you? Ooh, it marched off to Never-Never Land with its tail between its legs.
At least, I think it was its tail! Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? Janet didn't care, you know? She just wanted me out of the house like some paisley sofa bed.
She was so, like, neuralgic.
- Nostalgic.
- Nonchalant.
- Big words, them.
- Yeah.
I'm really sorry, mate.
Women don't cheat on me.
I'm just so pretty.
- Donna, right? She really wants me.
- Oh, cheers.
No, she REALLY wants me.
She wants to possess me like "The Exorcist".
(GROWLS) Gaz.
I bet Janet's other bloke's an exotic dancer.
Phwoar, yeah.
I mean for Janet, it'd be "phwoar".
Well, it would, wouldn't it? I know.
I must avenge my people.
- Who are your people? - Muscovites or something.
I bet he's got a really sexy name like Gaz.
- No, like Pedro.
- Yeah, or Whigfield.
- Probably got a degree.
- As well as being a stripper.
- A private dancer.
- A dancer for money.
That's how he put himself through university.
Tell you what, you wanna watch it.
I bet Donna visits Janet, gets ensnared.
- Can he handle two women? - Oh, yeah.
He's of farming stock, Pedro.
- So answer me this - He's got no tonsils and an appendix scar.
- Why are we sat here? - And gleaming white teeth like She-Ra.
when our women are sucking the fat out of someone else's sausage? You're right.
You're bloody right.
- Another pint, then? - No! We've got to fight for our women.
I don't know, mate.
Last time I was in a fight, I broke me Action Man.
No.
No, it's all right.
I've got a secret weapon.
- Is it a snake? - No.
Look.
What are we going to do? Anaesthetise him? No.
Have you seen "Scum"? - Is that the one with all them dogs? - That's "101 Dalmatians".
- Good film, though.
- It's a great film.
You put the balls in the sock, right, and then you go whack! Eh?! That could kill him! Yet at the same time make me look quite hard.
No, you're right, we shouldn't kill him.
Not dead, anyway.
No, we need something a bit less hard.
Hold on.
- Oh, yes! Eyes! - No, eggs.
- Look at this room.
It looks beautiful.
- Life is beautiful.
Lovely, fabulous.
Oh! So you found out Kev was straight, then? - Oh, no, he's gay.
- And you're happy because? I'm a fag-hag! - You're what? - A fag-hag.
I hang around with gay men.
It makes me cool.
- And how does that make you so cool? - Well, it worked for Mrs Barrymore.
- Do you know any gay men? - Probably.
- One's never come out to you.
- So? I'm cool.
Ha-ha! You're not! (SIGHS) I've had my moment.
Shit! I'm not ready! - Where's Pedro? - Where is he? Hi, Jonny.
I'm a fag-hag.
Donna, not you, too? - Not me, too, what? - Are you opening a tandoori restaurant? - Where's Pedro? - Wait, who on earth is Pedro? Oh, you should know, Janet, you cheaterer.
It's who you've done all this for.
Washing your hair.
You big hussy.
Unless you've changed your name to Pedro, you're wrong, Jonny.
Oh.
Well, for me? Why? Because I just thought it'd make you fancy me.
- I do fancy you.
- You don't.
You never touch my arm.
I touch it every time I pick you up off the pavement on Friday nights.
Yeah, well, you don't stroke my hair.
I hold it back when you're vomiting.
And I always make something garlicky for tea when you're going out, and there might be men.
- Yeah, you do, don't you? - Yeah.
Guess what.
I'm making your favourite dinner.
- Egg butties? - Yeah.
- Why don't you move in? - We went through this and you're a git.
- I'm house-trained.
- You piss in plant pots.
All right, I'm a git.
I just want to stay till morning occasionally.
I know, but you left your toothbrush there, and - What are you doing?! - What? I've had your toothbrush for three days.
You taste of arse! - Eat that.
Get it ate! - No, I don't want it.
Go on! Eat it! Eat it! Will you still fancy me when I'm really old? Yeah.
- What about if I put on eight stone? - Yeah.
Would you still fancy me if I had a skinhead? Yeah.
- What about if I killed baby animals? - Yeah.
What if I turned into a slug? Yeah.
- What about if we got married? - Ooh, no! # I'll have a pint of lager, please! # Does a man's sexual attractiveness go down when he's involved? - 'Course it does, yeah.
- Oh.
But not yours.
- Really? - You're different.
You have a rawness.