Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001) s05e10 Episode Script

Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now I just think I'll wait a while I'll have a pint of lager, please And a pack of flakeys Right.
Hot water, towels Just like in the films.
What are you doing? Nothing.
Sat in labour, swigging my beer.
That's damage juice! You'll harm the foetus.
It's not a foetus.
It's a baby now.
It'll be here soon.
My gran drank Guinness all through her pregnancy.
You wonder why your mum has such a small head.
It won't make any difference.
Aren't you supposed to be screaming and saying " You ain't coming near me with that again.
" It's only just started.
We've got hours.
Come and sit down.
You could have changed your pants.
If amniotic fluid turns your stomach, what about if my perineum splits? Your what does what? Nothing.
It'll be a delightful surprise.
- I suppose we'd best phone the doctor.
- Mm.
I suppose.
You seem a bit too calm.
I wanted a bit more drama.
Aaagh! Oh, my God! It's like someone opening an umbrella up my arse! Get an ambulance! Oh, mother huffing-chuffing hell Jerusalem! There, that's better.
It's always best to stick to the rules.
Oh, Jonny.
I'm really frightened.
It hurts.
Get an ambulance.
This is the worst pain.
Aagh! No, this is the worst pain! It only gets worse.
Oh, yes! I'm the daddy.
I'm here.
Now push.
Ooh.
What? Orgasm? Don't be perverse.
I never have one of those.
When I put my money in the charity box, I felt all warm and fuzzy and Definitely an orgasm.
No, it wasn't, you sick bird.
Ooh! Who knew that doing good things could be so fulfilling? I'm off to find people who need good things doing for them.
The sick, the hungry and the pointless.
(Screaming) I told the doctor how long it'd been and he said you'd be fine and I quote, "for ages, like".
Cup of tea? Jonny, I am not fine.
I need to get to hospital now.
- He said you'd say that.
- Jonny, I know my own body.
I need painkillers and crisp white sheets to ruin with placenta flob.
He said you'd say that.
Oh! I'm dying! I'm dying! I'm about to die! Oh! Jonny, help! The baby's trying to kill me.
Hm.
No, he didn't say you'd say that.
I'll phone Gaz.
He can bring the hoist.
I'm glad we're mates again.
It was hard work avoiding you.
I'm glad there's no rampant sexual undercurrent between us threatening to turn us into unbridled raging shag gorillas.
Yup.
Perfectly able to keep our hands off each other.
Perfectly.
Check this out.
I've been practising on a fire.
(Mobile rings) - Who's that? - Just some girl I've been seeing.
- Oh.
What's she like? - Complete opposite of you, actually.
Yeah.
Straight blonde hair.
Really, really tall.
Grossly overweight.
Opposite.
She sounds like a Viking.
What's her name? Jonny.
Short for Jonatheen.
Why, that's most unusual.
You're just jealous.
No.
Why would I be when you sacked Jonatheen off to sit here with me? I didn't sack her off.
I'm just playing hard to get.
You're just a prawn in my intricate game of ludo.
- I think you should phone her.
- OK.
Go on, then.
(Jonny) Hiya.
Leave a message! Yeah.
Hi, Jonny theen.
Sorry I missed your call, babes.
It's all a bit crazy down here in Sex Town.
Anyway, I'll catch you later.
Love you.
Phone Donna then.
Phone anyone! I'm trying.
My phone's out of credit.
Damn you, Pay-As-You-Go.
Damn you, expensive polyphonic ringtones of the latest chart hits.
Oh, answerphone.
- Yeah.
Hi, Jonny theen.
- It's Gaz.
Sorry I missed your call, babes.
It's all a bit crazy down here in Sex Town.
Anyway, I'll catch you later.
(Blows kiss) I won't be seeing much of Gaz any more.
Look, if you care about me and this baby, get us to a hospital now.
The doctor said not to.
He's an authority figure.
They intimidate me.
It all started with that lollipop man - the one I tried to lick.
I said, phone an ambulance! - Are you sure it's that bad? - What? Jonny, please.
I'm scared.
They'll give you drugs.
It'll be like a rave.
How does a baby come out of something so small? Small? You think a lot of yourself.
Just phone the ambulance, Jonny! It can't hurt that much.
You're exaggerating.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Nothing hurts that much.
I've always thought you women put it on a bit.
How would we ever find out? Trust me, Jonny.
This hurts.
I beg to differ.
You've never been kicked in the balls.
Nothing could be more painful.
It makes your whole abdomen Ambulance, please.
(Mobile rings) - Who's that? - Someone I've been seeing, actually.
Dave.
And he's the complete opposite to you.
He never works out and he smokes shedloads and he's a bit ugly.
Sounds like quite the catch.
I was meant to be meeting him but I too am playing hard to get.
You should.
Any man would be lucky to have you.
- Thanks, Gaz.
- Well, except me.
Because my life without you has just been so full of naked ladies.
That's great.
Good for you.
One after another, each one more naked than the last.
Fabulous.
I'm so happy you've moved on.
- Do you know what? - What? You could give me the woman's side and I could give you the man's.
Seeing as we're mates.
I could give you tips from my women.
Marvellous.
And I can tell you where you used to go wrong in bed.
I very much beg your pardon? I can't even walk.
Well are you sure you're not just drunk? Jonny, I need the ambulance.
I'm splitting in two.
They said they'll be here in half an hour.
That'll be too late.
Go and find someone who can take, someone from the pub.
- Good idea.
- Don't leave me! Janet, I can't be in the pub and here.
Go and get me Jonny Two then.
OK, fine.
But I don't want you getting attached to him.
Why are you doing this to me? - OK? - I am now he's here.
He's gone when the baby arrives.
His job is done.
I've seen the way you look at him.
(Whinnying scream) That's a new one.
Janet, you stay here.
Jonny Two watch it! What exactly did I do wrong in bed? - Nothing specific.
- I was just generally rubbish? - No.
You were fine.
- Fine? Linen is fine.
The weather's fine.
I got caught in some drizzle - a bit like you in bed.
I can't believe you didn't tell me.
It's not what you say to someone who's doing their best.
"Sorry, love.
Can't feel a thing.
" If you couldn't feel a thing, the problem's yours.
Possibly nerve damage.
I spent hours nervellating you.
It's not that you didn't try.
You could go for hours.
- That's right.
- On and on and on.
Anyway, I don't want to argue about your failings as a lover.
I just thought I'd tell you where you were going wrong.
For your naked ladies.
I didn't want to offend you.
Sorry, am I being peculiar? Usually when you tell a man they're no good in bed, they do a jig.
OK.
Have a go at me if you want.
What did I use to do wrong? - Nothing.
- Nothing? No, you were perfect, Donna.
Even my drunken blow jobs? The ones with all the teeth.
Even those.
But I was crap.
Isn't it nice being friends? Come on, it's funny.
Funny?! Funny is the elderly falling over.
Funny is when rich people die.
- Funny isn't pointing out my flaws.
- Gaz.
- We shouldn't be friends.
- Come on.
I can't believe how much you've hurt me.
I'm Sorry to say it, but you're a total bitch.
- Gaz - I never want to see you again.
(Siren wails) Gaz! Oh.
Don't mind if I do.
- Hi! - Oh, Louise.
I'm having a baby.
Yes.
You told us that already.
Yawny-yawn.
- Do you mind if I take stuff? - Why? I'm fundraising.
It makes me feel warm.
Oh.
Stop that and get me to hospital! I'm doing you a favour.
Look.
Nasty McFly album.
Sharp corners.
Baby eyes.
Waah! Waah! And look.
Nasty empty wheelchair.
Making baby think that disabled people can go invisible.
That's it.
Jonny's old wheelchair.
And these tiny clothes.
What do you adults need with them, eh? Louise, you're going to wheel me to hospital.
But how can I get my warm fuzziness if I can't raise funds? (Squeals) Ow! You're hurting me.
Just be grateful you have no testicles.
(Louise) Why build a hospital on top of a hill? - So we can have jolly times together.
- I'm getting a hernia.
I would kill for a bloody hernia.
I should be doing a good deed.
Instead I'm pushing my distressed friend uphill to hospital.
Ooh I'm getting that warm feeling again.
- Louise! - Janet? - Louise! - Janet! Louise! (Screams) Janet! Janet! Janet! (Crashing) (Whimpers) - What's happened? - He was run over by the paramedics.
You've robbed our ambulance.
- This is meant for Janet.
- What's up with Janet? Let me see she has a slight cold, a touch of the heebie-jeebies and she's in labour! - Shouldn't somebody be with her? - What a smashing idea! What about the paramedics and the father of the baby? No No, you don't want me there.
- What did he say? - He said (Mumbles) That's what I heard.
- No.
He said He said - Jonny If I don't pull through raise him as if he was your own.
That's it.
I'm never doing a kind thing again.
(Gasping) Oh Aagh! Slap! You can't hit him.
He's been run over.
I would have gobbed Janet, but she's vanished.
Jonny, what Gaz said before No.
What Gaz said before was right.
It's obvious now.
Janet had a one-night stand nine months ago.
You and Gaz split up.
You weren't talking to Janet for ages.
And everyone's being nice to me.
What are you going to do? I don't know.
This is all going to end in a tearful showdown - possibly in the rain.
You can't throw everything away.
Why not? Gaz cheated, so you left.
Janet cheated, so I'm leaving.
Janet didn't cheat.
You were with Kate.
Oh, yeah.
She was fit.
As much as I hate what they did, neither of them got anything out of it.
- Except a baby.
- And this isn't the baby's fault.
No.
I'd never take it out on him.
But I want nothing to do with that harlot.
So what are you doing here? Um Well, I came primarily to slap Gaz.
And And to deliver divorce papers.
They're in my pocket.
Of my other jacket.
Rusks.
I love these things.
When the baby's teething, we can stay up having rusk-sucking competitions.
Janet will tell us off for making too much noise and I'm gonna say "We don't need this crap, mo fo.
" And the baby's gonna tell her to eff off and then we'll high five.
And Janet will go "Tut!" and she'll say "My boys" and she'll smile and That's not gonna happen any more, is it? (Agonised bellowing) Why couldn't I find anyone that I could help? Even here.
Oh, Jesus Christ! I know.
I'll try A&E.
Get Jonny! I need Jonny! OK.
If I see him, I'll tell him you said hi.
Ta-ra.
(Screaming) Will he be OK? Yup.
Free to wander the streets looking for naked ladies.
He never did that, ever.
He's wanked himself half-blind since you left.
And I should know.
I don't know why I should know, but I do.
Are you telling me he's not had anyone in bed since we split up? - No.
He only wants you, Donna.
- Has he said anything about me? He never stops saying things about you.
Donna did this, Donna did that.
It's nice to know you're doing this and that.
- Would you forgive Janet? - Never.
Not even if she was hit by one of the emergency services.
Not even if she begged in that special way she does.
On her knees proffering an assortment of biscuits and beer.
Not even - Jonny, Janet's asking for you.
- Janet! Hi, Donna.
Hi, Gaz.
What are you doing here? - There's been an accident.
- Oh, that's great.
- Would you like to make a donation? - Get out.
I get a cold feeling from you.
Are you awake? Gaz, I'm really sorry what I said before.
I didn't mean it.
When you started going on about your stupid new women, I just wanted to hurt you and then the ambulance did that for me.
I'm so glad you have such a small brain.
Bloody bastard.
I mean, look at you.
I mean, you're not You shouldn't be what I want.
You can't spell.
You prefer Ministry of Mayhem to Dick & Dom.
But I love you.
Gaz, are you OK? - No, not really.
Are you? - No.
- I heard what you said.
- I thought you were concussed.
I am.
I could hear you double.
Sorry.
I need to tell you something.
There was no Jonatheen.
Shocker.
So where does this leave us? Dunno.
I quite like it here, though.
Yeah.
Me too.
- These curtains draw round? - I'm on it.
- Did I miss it? - No, you were there.
Did I make a fool of myself? No.
You were very brave.
Am I thin again? No.
You're still pretty fat.
- Where is he? - Here in the cot.
- Can we pick him up? - Dunno.
I haven't asked him.
Who does he look like? Gaz.
What? What are you talking about? It's Gaz's baby, Janet.
You shagged Gaz.
I'm hallucinating.
This is a terrible nightmare brought on by the anaesthetic.
If you were hallucinating, I would be wearing a thong and grappling with a centurion.
I'm so tired, Jonny.
We'll talk later.
I just I can't keep my eyes open.
Listen here, Sonny Jim.
You don't like me and I don't like you (Crying) Shh Thundercats are on the move Thundercats are loose (Sneezes) Yeah.
That was my favourite lullaby as well.
You don't look that much like Gaz, you know.
You've got Janet's nose.
And Janet's chin.
You've got little bits of Janet's womb stuck to your forehead.
New baby smell.
It smells of biscuits.
That's the unmistakeable aroma of a 1992 Jammy Dodger.
Do you like biscuits? Do you like football? What about beer? I'm going to take that snot bubble as a yes.
You're so pretty.
Like a little version of Janet but you've got my They're my eyes.
And And they're my hands.
All iddy-biddy.
And they're my feet.
I wear socks like that.
Oh.
And that's my That's my family.
Who's the daddy?! (Crying) Ooh.
Shit.
Sorry, mate.
Jonny Please don't go.
Don't leave us.
I'm so sorry.
Janet, what do you mean? What are you talking about? You've been hallucinating again.
You said about the baby.
- The baby has a name, Janet.
- Does he? Yeah.
Corinthian.
Corinthian McVitie Keogh, your son.
Who's a pretty boy? Mummy could just vomit with love.
Thank God you're here.
I'm getting absolutely no attention at home.
My best mate's a baby bore.
How dare you? A chuff like a wizard's sleeve.
Don't leave me like this.
I'm vaguely aroused.