Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001) s05e11 Episode Script
BaBaBaBaBa
Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now I just think I'll wait a while I'll have a pint of lager, please And a pack of flakeys Who's got the best toesy-wosies in the world? Corinthian has.
- Hi, Janet.
- Yes, he has.
You have.
Yes.
- Janet? - Brrr I wouldn't bother, Louise.
What's wrong with her? What's Mummy doing? Yes! - I'll try Donna then.
- Good boy.
And who's got the best cheesy-weesy kneeses? Corinthian has.
Janet, exactly where on the body are the cheesy-weesy kneeses located? Jonny, it is a medical fact that the cheesy-weesy kneeses are located between the thighsy-wisey piesies and the shinny-winny Albert Finneys.
I wish you could hear yourself.
Baby talk sounds so stupid.
Doesn't it, little Corinthian? Yes, it does.
Yes, it does.
See? It's catching.
Who's got the best flibbidy-flobbedy chubby chops? Who's a pretty one? Who's a pretty one? Mummy could just vomit with love, couldn't she? Yes.
If her stitchy-witchies wouldn't bursty-wursty.
Janet, I think it's great you're so in love with him - I am too - but why don't you give me any attention? I thought I'd be the one bursting your stitchy-witchies.
Because he's my first baby.
I'm bound to be clingy Wingy.
I just don't want to miss anything.
The book says he could smile any day.
I cannot miss that.
Did I miss it, babba? Did I? Who's got the best lickle toesy-wosey Jonny! - (Door slams) - Donna? (Gaz) Oh, that's it.
Bite it.
Bite it.
Oh! Aaah! This has been amazing.
You're confident, smart, sophisticated, clever Yeah, yeah.
I know.
See you at three for another bang in the cellar.
- Unless my 2.
55 overruns.
- I can't wait.
Oh, and bring your own condom.
Mine's getting darned.
Hello.
What's going on? My life seems to have fallen apart.
It's funny and sad.
Like Grandad's funeral.
I don't understand.
I'm not fat or spotty or you.
- Why am I so unpopular? - Why are you so unpopular? I just can't imagine.
I go round and see Janet, and just cos she's got a "baby" she claims to have given "birth" to, she's got no time for me.
Selfish bitch.
Then I go round and see Donna and she's doing unmentionable yogic poses balanced on Gaz.
Lucky bitch.
You don't need mates.
In fact, you don't need anyone.
You're saying I'm unpopular because I don't have a boyfriend.
I didn't say that.
Yeah, but with the likes of you, I make up my own conversation.
It's inevitably more interesting.
Oh.
OK.
Blah blah blah, blah blah blah-blah.
Yeah.
It is a lovely brooch, isn't it? Blah blah blah, blah-blah, blah-blah.
You think if I get a boyfriend like Donna and Janet, I won't be so lonely.
Blah, blah, blah.
You're absolutely right.
I'm going to get myself a fella.
In fact, I'm going to get myself your fella.
Go for it.
I've got plenty of spares.
Albert? Show Auntie Donna Wonna Ronna Des O'Connor your trick.
Yes.
Watch this, Don.
It's amazing.
Look.
He's drooling.
That's not a trick.
Turning a nappy into a flock of doves is a trick.
Whose baby did that? - Nobody's.
I was just - Do you want to hold him? He smells.
- In a good way.
- Hold him? No, thanks.
What's the matter? Everyone likes babies.
Don't they, Corinthian? Yes! Well, it's just that I'm a career bitch, frankly.
Babies oh, no.
- Boo.
Where's Mummy? - You're not listening to me.
Is Donna saying things? Yes, she is.
Yes.
- For God's sakes.
- I just don't want to miss anything.
Like the snuffly sound he makes when he breathes out or the sniffly sound he makes when he breathes in.
Have you thought of cleaning his nose? His first smile's coming up.
I can't miss that.
Don't you understand? I understand that my best mate's turning into a baby bore.
A baby b? How dare you? a chuff like a wizard's sleeve.
- You're just jealous.
- Jealous? Yes.
Because your life is empty.
All you've got is stupid buckets.
Stupid? Buckets? How dare you? Next time you wash Corinthian's sick off the floor, ask were you'd be without a stupid bucket.
You'd be up bucket creek without a bucket paddle! Who's the biggest twatty-watty in the world? Donna is.
Yes, she is.
Thank God you're here.
I'm getting no attention at home.
Gaz? Gaz! I heard you.
It's easy to get attention from women.
Try this.
Whoo! Over here, ladies! Hello.
I had to run from the cellar.
Hence my musty odour.
- False alarm, Kelly.
Sorry.
- Oh.
That's OK.
It's like a fire drill.
Best to be prepared.
No.
I mean Janet prefers the baby to me.
When he blew a snot bubble out of his nose, she thought it was cute.
When I did a bigger one, she told me it was disgusting.
Such cruel hypocrisy.
But you're coping all right with him? God, yeah.
I love him so much I spend all my pocket money on him.
- All 23 pence.
- Are you skint? We've got no money whatsoever Babies cost a fortune, don't they? I proposed that we recycled the nappies, but Janet vetoed the idea before I could begin scraping.
- I can give you money.
- No, mate No.
I couldn't accept money How much? - How much do you need? He is my - Your what? My very best friend.
It's the least I can do.
I couldn't accept £200 from you, though.
£200? It's my final offer.
Fine.
As long as you tell Corinthian it's from me.
Like I can get a word in edgeways.
It's "bababa" this and "bababa" that.
Like living with Gareth Gates.
If she's obsessed with her baby, try doing what babies do.
- Women need to nurture.
- Yeah, you're right.
I'm going to go in there and go "Woman, give me some attention!" Here I am.
Hello, gorgeous.
I would kiss you but I'm covered in oil.
You're lovely though.
Get off! This is new.
- Everything you own is new.
- I know.
Look.
They cost me a bit but I am Runcorn's biggest bucket seller.
- Bling bling, bling bling.
- Ooh, nice.
I'm glad we're in the money, cos Jonny's skint.
I said I'd give him 200 for the baby.
- Do you reckon that's enough? - 200? Give him? Enough? Are you just randomly repeating what I just said? Repeating, randomly, said? We can afford it.
You're Runcorn's biggest bucket seller.
- You can use your own funds.
- I haven't got any funds.
I could sell one of my livers.
- You've only got one liver.
- When did that happen? You only get one.
Two kidneys, one liver.
That's the deal.
- One of my kidneys then.
- You'd sell a kidney for Corinthian? You're so selfish.
What if I fancied it? I get it.
You just hate babies.
- Donna hates babies, loves buckets.
- I do not hate babies.
I don't like that one because You can't fill him with soapy water and wiggle a mop in him.
Because Janet's son could be your son and it tears me up inside.
You're not giving Jonny any of our money for that baby! Donna Bollocks.
- (Door slams) - Oh, two bollocks.
What a clever boy! Do it again for Mummy.
- What a clever boy.
- Janet? Not now, Jonny.
I'm watching Corinthian blink.
Janet, look at me.
Look how floppy my head is.
Oh, I'm dribbling.
Jonny.
How could you make fun of that nice Stephen Hawking? That is so horrible.
I'm not.
I'm being a baby.
Since that's your new hobby.
- Why are you doing this? - Because I'm lonely, Janet.
The more you neglect me, the more like a baby I shall become.
Goo-goo-ga, et cetera.
God, this is so pathetic.
They said about baby envy at antenatal.
- Oh, poor chicken bunny.
Come here.
- That's better.
- Have you been neglectedy-wectedy? - Don't do the voice.
We'll do something together soon.
I just don't want to miss anything.
You're not missing anything now.
How are your stitchy-witchies? - I think they might be about - (Sneeze) - What was that noise? - It was me.
- It came from the cot.
- No, it didn't.
I did it.
See? Atchoo.
I'm practising my ventriloquism.
Oh, Jonny.
You made me miss his first sneeze.
- Atchoo! - And a second! They'll be more.
I'll grind some pepper in his face.
Please don't leave me like this.
I'm vaguely aroused.
That was so painful.
The secret's in the Tabasco.
Now bugger off.
I've got an appointment with a married man in five.
They're the best.
The guilt makes them cry.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Bye.
- Wait! Where are you going? Chemist.
I've had a Tabasco-related incident with Kelly and I'm in dire need of E45 cream.
- Look, boy.
What do you see in her? - I don't know.
It's like She's elusive, she's unavailable.
She's not needy, like most women.
I can do not needy.
I don't need you.
Watch.
See? Why isn't he interested? What's wrong with me? - Maybe you're ugly.
- Aah! Half a lager, please, Kelly.
No.
I'm treating myself today.
I'll have a pint of champagne.
What are your most expensive crisps? - Nice bracelet.
- It's new.
- Nice bag.
- It's new.
- Nice jacket.
- It's new.
Do you follow the pattern? I bet Janet's grateful for all the handouts you'll be giving her, what with the baby.
Ugh! That baby.
Gaz thinks we should help them out.
He thinks you should help out your best friends with their baby? What harebrained scheme will he think of next? Where's the big smiley-whiley for Mummy-scrummy-wummy? Where is it? Come on, where the bloody hell is it? Please smile for me, Corinthian.
Like this.
(Jonny) Janet, I have developed an illness through your wilful neglect.
That's right.
Nappy rash.
I hope you're satisfied.
Jonny! That is one of my best towels.
Not any more it isn't.
It's rather snug and I've been squatting.
That is sick, Jonny.
I didn't complain when you dressed as a nurse.
This is revolting.
I can't bear to look at you.
Fair enough.
But do you feel you want to nurture me? In bed.
No.
That is the sickest thing I have ever seen.
I'm taking Corinthian away from you you perv! Fine.
I'll be in the Archer.
Janet, I may need changing.
I'm going to get him a new cot and a new pram and a pile of Babygros, all in Burberry.
- He'll be the classiest baby in Runcorn.
- Jonny, about the money And I'm gonna get Big Dave to tattoo "Janet" on his arse.
That'll surprise Janet next time she changes him.
- I can't give you any money.
Sorry.
- Why? Because Donna thinks Corinthian's my my microscopic.
He's a foot long.
Donna thinks your son is Satan.
Fair point, Gaz, but even Satan needs bootees.
Burberry bootees.
It's not much, but here's 20 quid.
It's all I've got.
Don't insult me.
How am I gonna get Janet's attention now? There must be something I can do better than him.
I can grasp.
He can't.
Hah! I shall impress Janet with my powers of graspinosity.
Well, Janet does enjoy a good grasp.
I can drink.
Babies can't drink alcohol.
I'll take Janet out and get her bladdered.
The baby can stay at home.
- On his own? - He'll be all right for one night.
No.
Me and Donna will look after him.
Gaz, you're an imbecile and Donna hates him.
Eight o'clock OK? Janet, I need your help.
There's only one person in the world I'm interested in helping.
Oh.
Would I be right in thinking that's me? - No.
- Come on.
You can spare five minutes.
I'm lonely.
I don't have any friends.
Get a hobby then.
I can't.
You and Donna were my hobby.
I used to observe your ways and log them in my book.
"Monday, Janet cooked a pie.
Tuesday, Janet cooked a pie.
"Wednesday, Janet continued with her pie-related behaviour.
" Louise, we've got our own lives to lead now.
Why don't you get a boyfriend? I can't.
The man I'm interested in only wants Kelly.
How can I compete with a walking vagina? Just do what she does.
I tried.
I was unattainable and elusive.
Then he escaped, just like all my other pets.
Incidentally, how does a kitten escape from a briefcase? Why don't you try becoming his friend first? Maybe what you need is friendship? Be friends? With a man? What an interesting new concept.
Well, I suppose anything's worth a shot at this stage.
Ciao.
Janet, I've made a decision.
We're having a night out.
- No.
- Come on.
No.
I can't leave Corinthian.
Don't you think you're being overprotective? Absolutely not.
Don't stand in his sunlight.
He'll get rickets.
OK.
Right.
Remember Lazy-Eyed Lance at school? Wet himself in assembly.
His mum used to breastfeed him through the railings.
Didn't he go into local government? That's him.
Anyway, him and his mum were way too close.
You know what happened? He slaughtered her.
Went berserk and stabbed her 20 times in the middle of Family Fortunes.
Oh, the irony.
Oh.
Well, maybe just for one drink.
- All right? Are you busy tonight? - No.
Why? You taking me out? - I am indeed.
We're going to baby-sit.
- Not Corinthian? No.
The delightful offspring of Captain Von Trapp.
- Of course Corinthian.
- No.
Absolutely no way.
It's just a baby.
I won't do it.
I won't baby-sit, Gaz, and nothing you say can make me.
- New shoes? - Yes.
Last pair, half-price in the sale.
I had to batter a woman with a casual slip-on to get those.
No more Clarks Back To School for me.
Mm.
Very nice.
You either come baby-sitting or the kitten heel gets it.
Not that! Not the shoes! Anything but the shoes! Eh? Miaow! Eh? - What time do we start? - Hey.
- Hello, there.
- Hello.
Have you been watching Top Gear? - No.
Look, who are you? - I'm your new friend, Louise.
I'm going to infiltrate your social circle and slowly become your girlfriend.
Aside from that being psychopathic I've only got eyes for Kelly.
Will you stop staring at me, you beady little Scouser? She's heavenly.
I don't understand.
I'm the heavenly one.
God loves me.
How else do you explain His generosity with my looks? - Sorry, I'm just not interested.
- This is hopeless.
- We can still be friends though.
- Yay! A brand-new friend! My mistake.
No, we couldn't.
Right.
Sooner you go out, sooner you can come back.
Make sure you call me if he starts to fret.
If he goes pink, put that cream on.
If he goes purple, change his nappy.
If he goes blue, slap him on the back.
Here's a colour chart.
Janet, stop.
He won't do anything.
He's just a dull little person.
He is not dull.
Buckets are dull.
- How dare you? - Ladies, don't fight.
Unless you're naked and covered in mayonnaise.
- Come on.
I'm thirsty.
- No smoking anywhere near him.
And no mobile phones near his brain.
Bye-bye, bababa.
Is Mummy leaving you now? Yes, she is.
Yes, she is.
A-boo! Yes.
Baba! Thank God for that.
Right.
Vodka.
We deserve a double No, a triple.
And no alcohol.
Bye-bye, baba.
I love you.
Mummy loves you.
Ye I brought these to say "I love you".
For God's sake, will you just cock off? Yeah.
What's wrong with you? You turn me down and fall in love with a woman who hates you, you sick scummy loser.
- What was your name again? - Louise.
And have some respect.
Turning up here with your flumming flowers and your sad face.
You're not fit to crawl on your hands and knees on the floor - What are you looking at? - Carry on.
I forgot to mention that Felix is the submissive type.
If you get my meaning.
Oh.
On your knees and heel.
Good boy.
Fine, Donna.
So everything's all right.
I'll ring you later.
Hi, Donna.
Has anything happened? We've been out for three minutes and 47 seconds.
I know.
It's been ages.
He won't even know you've gone.
Get that down your neck.
I can't help but worry.
I'm a mother now, with responsibilities to my son.
He's the only thing that matters in the whole Beer.
(Loud burp) - Would you care for another? - Why, I don't mind if I do.
Who's got a lovely ickle mouth? Who's got lovely ickle eyes? I have.
- (Crying) - Well, I have.
For God's sakes, Gaz, will you turn him off? Come on, it's OK.
Baba.
Baba.
(Crying stops) That's it, see? Look.
He's only 12 inches long.
That is one foot for every month you've been alive.
Yes.
That means by the time you're 21, you will be seven miles tall.
- Donna, he's a giant! - Sshh! You'll start him off again.
- (Crying) - See? Leave it to me.
I know how to quieten babies.
OK.
Corinthian, shh.
Silencio! - It worked for Harry Potter.
- You haven't got a clue.
- I suppose you have.
- I've got two younger siblings.
- OK.
OK - (Crying stops) Listen to me, you little shit.
Yes.
I hate you.
I really hate you, you moany little bastard.
Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
I wish you'd never been born.
You've ruined my life.
Yes! - Oh, my God.
- What? He just smiled at me with his mouth.
Did he? Janet's been waiting for him to do that.
I'm the first person in the world that he's ever smiled at? Oh, babababa.
- Aren't you handsome? - Don't say it too loud, he gets jealous.
This is great, isn't it? Enjoying each others' company.
A bit of attention.
- Whoo! - (All) Yeah! Ba-ba! Ba-ba-ba-ba! - (All) Whoa! - Ba-ba-ba-ba! - There's a hole in his Babygro.
- It's where his head goes.
This rattle has an Oxfam sticker on it.
I didn't realise they were that skint.
I told you.
Hello, Gonna and Daz! Hello, lickle Corinthian.
He's drunk.
Fart as a pissed.
No, I'm not.
Sit down.
He's fast asleep.
Do you want a little drinky of beer, little baby? From my teats.
Janet, I didn't mean what I said.
You're not a baby bore.
Ah.
And your buckets aren't stupid.
So, Janet Janet? Are you asleep? Janet! i want you to have this.
It's for Corinthian.
You sold our baby? - Come here and fight me! - Listen I didn't realise before.
He's beautiful.
He's a little miracle.
He's just a bloody baby.
OK.
Well, come on.
We'll get going.
Oh! Janet, he smiled at me.
- He smiled? At you? - Yup.
A big one, full gums and everything.
It was lovely.
You bucket-headed bitch! I had a religious experience on the road to Widnes.
I really do love you very, very much.
You're too late to save this soul.
Look what I found.
I don't see why you have to shout at me.
Who're you and what have you done with Gaz? Janet? Janet!
- Hi, Janet.
- Yes, he has.
You have.
Yes.
- Janet? - Brrr I wouldn't bother, Louise.
What's wrong with her? What's Mummy doing? Yes! - I'll try Donna then.
- Good boy.
And who's got the best cheesy-weesy kneeses? Corinthian has.
Janet, exactly where on the body are the cheesy-weesy kneeses located? Jonny, it is a medical fact that the cheesy-weesy kneeses are located between the thighsy-wisey piesies and the shinny-winny Albert Finneys.
I wish you could hear yourself.
Baby talk sounds so stupid.
Doesn't it, little Corinthian? Yes, it does.
Yes, it does.
See? It's catching.
Who's got the best flibbidy-flobbedy chubby chops? Who's a pretty one? Who's a pretty one? Mummy could just vomit with love, couldn't she? Yes.
If her stitchy-witchies wouldn't bursty-wursty.
Janet, I think it's great you're so in love with him - I am too - but why don't you give me any attention? I thought I'd be the one bursting your stitchy-witchies.
Because he's my first baby.
I'm bound to be clingy Wingy.
I just don't want to miss anything.
The book says he could smile any day.
I cannot miss that.
Did I miss it, babba? Did I? Who's got the best lickle toesy-wosey Jonny! - (Door slams) - Donna? (Gaz) Oh, that's it.
Bite it.
Bite it.
Oh! Aaah! This has been amazing.
You're confident, smart, sophisticated, clever Yeah, yeah.
I know.
See you at three for another bang in the cellar.
- Unless my 2.
55 overruns.
- I can't wait.
Oh, and bring your own condom.
Mine's getting darned.
Hello.
What's going on? My life seems to have fallen apart.
It's funny and sad.
Like Grandad's funeral.
I don't understand.
I'm not fat or spotty or you.
- Why am I so unpopular? - Why are you so unpopular? I just can't imagine.
I go round and see Janet, and just cos she's got a "baby" she claims to have given "birth" to, she's got no time for me.
Selfish bitch.
Then I go round and see Donna and she's doing unmentionable yogic poses balanced on Gaz.
Lucky bitch.
You don't need mates.
In fact, you don't need anyone.
You're saying I'm unpopular because I don't have a boyfriend.
I didn't say that.
Yeah, but with the likes of you, I make up my own conversation.
It's inevitably more interesting.
Oh.
OK.
Blah blah blah, blah blah blah-blah.
Yeah.
It is a lovely brooch, isn't it? Blah blah blah, blah-blah, blah-blah.
You think if I get a boyfriend like Donna and Janet, I won't be so lonely.
Blah, blah, blah.
You're absolutely right.
I'm going to get myself a fella.
In fact, I'm going to get myself your fella.
Go for it.
I've got plenty of spares.
Albert? Show Auntie Donna Wonna Ronna Des O'Connor your trick.
Yes.
Watch this, Don.
It's amazing.
Look.
He's drooling.
That's not a trick.
Turning a nappy into a flock of doves is a trick.
Whose baby did that? - Nobody's.
I was just - Do you want to hold him? He smells.
- In a good way.
- Hold him? No, thanks.
What's the matter? Everyone likes babies.
Don't they, Corinthian? Yes! Well, it's just that I'm a career bitch, frankly.
Babies oh, no.
- Boo.
Where's Mummy? - You're not listening to me.
Is Donna saying things? Yes, she is.
Yes.
- For God's sakes.
- I just don't want to miss anything.
Like the snuffly sound he makes when he breathes out or the sniffly sound he makes when he breathes in.
Have you thought of cleaning his nose? His first smile's coming up.
I can't miss that.
Don't you understand? I understand that my best mate's turning into a baby bore.
A baby b? How dare you? a chuff like a wizard's sleeve.
- You're just jealous.
- Jealous? Yes.
Because your life is empty.
All you've got is stupid buckets.
Stupid? Buckets? How dare you? Next time you wash Corinthian's sick off the floor, ask were you'd be without a stupid bucket.
You'd be up bucket creek without a bucket paddle! Who's the biggest twatty-watty in the world? Donna is.
Yes, she is.
Thank God you're here.
I'm getting no attention at home.
Gaz? Gaz! I heard you.
It's easy to get attention from women.
Try this.
Whoo! Over here, ladies! Hello.
I had to run from the cellar.
Hence my musty odour.
- False alarm, Kelly.
Sorry.
- Oh.
That's OK.
It's like a fire drill.
Best to be prepared.
No.
I mean Janet prefers the baby to me.
When he blew a snot bubble out of his nose, she thought it was cute.
When I did a bigger one, she told me it was disgusting.
Such cruel hypocrisy.
But you're coping all right with him? God, yeah.
I love him so much I spend all my pocket money on him.
- All 23 pence.
- Are you skint? We've got no money whatsoever Babies cost a fortune, don't they? I proposed that we recycled the nappies, but Janet vetoed the idea before I could begin scraping.
- I can give you money.
- No, mate No.
I couldn't accept money How much? - How much do you need? He is my - Your what? My very best friend.
It's the least I can do.
I couldn't accept £200 from you, though.
£200? It's my final offer.
Fine.
As long as you tell Corinthian it's from me.
Like I can get a word in edgeways.
It's "bababa" this and "bababa" that.
Like living with Gareth Gates.
If she's obsessed with her baby, try doing what babies do.
- Women need to nurture.
- Yeah, you're right.
I'm going to go in there and go "Woman, give me some attention!" Here I am.
Hello, gorgeous.
I would kiss you but I'm covered in oil.
You're lovely though.
Get off! This is new.
- Everything you own is new.
- I know.
Look.
They cost me a bit but I am Runcorn's biggest bucket seller.
- Bling bling, bling bling.
- Ooh, nice.
I'm glad we're in the money, cos Jonny's skint.
I said I'd give him 200 for the baby.
- Do you reckon that's enough? - 200? Give him? Enough? Are you just randomly repeating what I just said? Repeating, randomly, said? We can afford it.
You're Runcorn's biggest bucket seller.
- You can use your own funds.
- I haven't got any funds.
I could sell one of my livers.
- You've only got one liver.
- When did that happen? You only get one.
Two kidneys, one liver.
That's the deal.
- One of my kidneys then.
- You'd sell a kidney for Corinthian? You're so selfish.
What if I fancied it? I get it.
You just hate babies.
- Donna hates babies, loves buckets.
- I do not hate babies.
I don't like that one because You can't fill him with soapy water and wiggle a mop in him.
Because Janet's son could be your son and it tears me up inside.
You're not giving Jonny any of our money for that baby! Donna Bollocks.
- (Door slams) - Oh, two bollocks.
What a clever boy! Do it again for Mummy.
- What a clever boy.
- Janet? Not now, Jonny.
I'm watching Corinthian blink.
Janet, look at me.
Look how floppy my head is.
Oh, I'm dribbling.
Jonny.
How could you make fun of that nice Stephen Hawking? That is so horrible.
I'm not.
I'm being a baby.
Since that's your new hobby.
- Why are you doing this? - Because I'm lonely, Janet.
The more you neglect me, the more like a baby I shall become.
Goo-goo-ga, et cetera.
God, this is so pathetic.
They said about baby envy at antenatal.
- Oh, poor chicken bunny.
Come here.
- That's better.
- Have you been neglectedy-wectedy? - Don't do the voice.
We'll do something together soon.
I just don't want to miss anything.
You're not missing anything now.
How are your stitchy-witchies? - I think they might be about - (Sneeze) - What was that noise? - It was me.
- It came from the cot.
- No, it didn't.
I did it.
See? Atchoo.
I'm practising my ventriloquism.
Oh, Jonny.
You made me miss his first sneeze.
- Atchoo! - And a second! They'll be more.
I'll grind some pepper in his face.
Please don't leave me like this.
I'm vaguely aroused.
That was so painful.
The secret's in the Tabasco.
Now bugger off.
I've got an appointment with a married man in five.
They're the best.
The guilt makes them cry.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Bye.
- Wait! Where are you going? Chemist.
I've had a Tabasco-related incident with Kelly and I'm in dire need of E45 cream.
- Look, boy.
What do you see in her? - I don't know.
It's like She's elusive, she's unavailable.
She's not needy, like most women.
I can do not needy.
I don't need you.
Watch.
See? Why isn't he interested? What's wrong with me? - Maybe you're ugly.
- Aah! Half a lager, please, Kelly.
No.
I'm treating myself today.
I'll have a pint of champagne.
What are your most expensive crisps? - Nice bracelet.
- It's new.
- Nice bag.
- It's new.
- Nice jacket.
- It's new.
Do you follow the pattern? I bet Janet's grateful for all the handouts you'll be giving her, what with the baby.
Ugh! That baby.
Gaz thinks we should help them out.
He thinks you should help out your best friends with their baby? What harebrained scheme will he think of next? Where's the big smiley-whiley for Mummy-scrummy-wummy? Where is it? Come on, where the bloody hell is it? Please smile for me, Corinthian.
Like this.
(Jonny) Janet, I have developed an illness through your wilful neglect.
That's right.
Nappy rash.
I hope you're satisfied.
Jonny! That is one of my best towels.
Not any more it isn't.
It's rather snug and I've been squatting.
That is sick, Jonny.
I didn't complain when you dressed as a nurse.
This is revolting.
I can't bear to look at you.
Fair enough.
But do you feel you want to nurture me? In bed.
No.
That is the sickest thing I have ever seen.
I'm taking Corinthian away from you you perv! Fine.
I'll be in the Archer.
Janet, I may need changing.
I'm going to get him a new cot and a new pram and a pile of Babygros, all in Burberry.
- He'll be the classiest baby in Runcorn.
- Jonny, about the money And I'm gonna get Big Dave to tattoo "Janet" on his arse.
That'll surprise Janet next time she changes him.
- I can't give you any money.
Sorry.
- Why? Because Donna thinks Corinthian's my my microscopic.
He's a foot long.
Donna thinks your son is Satan.
Fair point, Gaz, but even Satan needs bootees.
Burberry bootees.
It's not much, but here's 20 quid.
It's all I've got.
Don't insult me.
How am I gonna get Janet's attention now? There must be something I can do better than him.
I can grasp.
He can't.
Hah! I shall impress Janet with my powers of graspinosity.
Well, Janet does enjoy a good grasp.
I can drink.
Babies can't drink alcohol.
I'll take Janet out and get her bladdered.
The baby can stay at home.
- On his own? - He'll be all right for one night.
No.
Me and Donna will look after him.
Gaz, you're an imbecile and Donna hates him.
Eight o'clock OK? Janet, I need your help.
There's only one person in the world I'm interested in helping.
Oh.
Would I be right in thinking that's me? - No.
- Come on.
You can spare five minutes.
I'm lonely.
I don't have any friends.
Get a hobby then.
I can't.
You and Donna were my hobby.
I used to observe your ways and log them in my book.
"Monday, Janet cooked a pie.
Tuesday, Janet cooked a pie.
"Wednesday, Janet continued with her pie-related behaviour.
" Louise, we've got our own lives to lead now.
Why don't you get a boyfriend? I can't.
The man I'm interested in only wants Kelly.
How can I compete with a walking vagina? Just do what she does.
I tried.
I was unattainable and elusive.
Then he escaped, just like all my other pets.
Incidentally, how does a kitten escape from a briefcase? Why don't you try becoming his friend first? Maybe what you need is friendship? Be friends? With a man? What an interesting new concept.
Well, I suppose anything's worth a shot at this stage.
Ciao.
Janet, I've made a decision.
We're having a night out.
- No.
- Come on.
No.
I can't leave Corinthian.
Don't you think you're being overprotective? Absolutely not.
Don't stand in his sunlight.
He'll get rickets.
OK.
Right.
Remember Lazy-Eyed Lance at school? Wet himself in assembly.
His mum used to breastfeed him through the railings.
Didn't he go into local government? That's him.
Anyway, him and his mum were way too close.
You know what happened? He slaughtered her.
Went berserk and stabbed her 20 times in the middle of Family Fortunes.
Oh, the irony.
Oh.
Well, maybe just for one drink.
- All right? Are you busy tonight? - No.
Why? You taking me out? - I am indeed.
We're going to baby-sit.
- Not Corinthian? No.
The delightful offspring of Captain Von Trapp.
- Of course Corinthian.
- No.
Absolutely no way.
It's just a baby.
I won't do it.
I won't baby-sit, Gaz, and nothing you say can make me.
- New shoes? - Yes.
Last pair, half-price in the sale.
I had to batter a woman with a casual slip-on to get those.
No more Clarks Back To School for me.
Mm.
Very nice.
You either come baby-sitting or the kitten heel gets it.
Not that! Not the shoes! Anything but the shoes! Eh? Miaow! Eh? - What time do we start? - Hey.
- Hello, there.
- Hello.
Have you been watching Top Gear? - No.
Look, who are you? - I'm your new friend, Louise.
I'm going to infiltrate your social circle and slowly become your girlfriend.
Aside from that being psychopathic I've only got eyes for Kelly.
Will you stop staring at me, you beady little Scouser? She's heavenly.
I don't understand.
I'm the heavenly one.
God loves me.
How else do you explain His generosity with my looks? - Sorry, I'm just not interested.
- This is hopeless.
- We can still be friends though.
- Yay! A brand-new friend! My mistake.
No, we couldn't.
Right.
Sooner you go out, sooner you can come back.
Make sure you call me if he starts to fret.
If he goes pink, put that cream on.
If he goes purple, change his nappy.
If he goes blue, slap him on the back.
Here's a colour chart.
Janet, stop.
He won't do anything.
He's just a dull little person.
He is not dull.
Buckets are dull.
- How dare you? - Ladies, don't fight.
Unless you're naked and covered in mayonnaise.
- Come on.
I'm thirsty.
- No smoking anywhere near him.
And no mobile phones near his brain.
Bye-bye, bababa.
Is Mummy leaving you now? Yes, she is.
Yes, she is.
A-boo! Yes.
Baba! Thank God for that.
Right.
Vodka.
We deserve a double No, a triple.
And no alcohol.
Bye-bye, baba.
I love you.
Mummy loves you.
Ye I brought these to say "I love you".
For God's sake, will you just cock off? Yeah.
What's wrong with you? You turn me down and fall in love with a woman who hates you, you sick scummy loser.
- What was your name again? - Louise.
And have some respect.
Turning up here with your flumming flowers and your sad face.
You're not fit to crawl on your hands and knees on the floor - What are you looking at? - Carry on.
I forgot to mention that Felix is the submissive type.
If you get my meaning.
Oh.
On your knees and heel.
Good boy.
Fine, Donna.
So everything's all right.
I'll ring you later.
Hi, Donna.
Has anything happened? We've been out for three minutes and 47 seconds.
I know.
It's been ages.
He won't even know you've gone.
Get that down your neck.
I can't help but worry.
I'm a mother now, with responsibilities to my son.
He's the only thing that matters in the whole Beer.
(Loud burp) - Would you care for another? - Why, I don't mind if I do.
Who's got a lovely ickle mouth? Who's got lovely ickle eyes? I have.
- (Crying) - Well, I have.
For God's sakes, Gaz, will you turn him off? Come on, it's OK.
Baba.
Baba.
(Crying stops) That's it, see? Look.
He's only 12 inches long.
That is one foot for every month you've been alive.
Yes.
That means by the time you're 21, you will be seven miles tall.
- Donna, he's a giant! - Sshh! You'll start him off again.
- (Crying) - See? Leave it to me.
I know how to quieten babies.
OK.
Corinthian, shh.
Silencio! - It worked for Harry Potter.
- You haven't got a clue.
- I suppose you have.
- I've got two younger siblings.
- OK.
OK - (Crying stops) Listen to me, you little shit.
Yes.
I hate you.
I really hate you, you moany little bastard.
Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
I wish you'd never been born.
You've ruined my life.
Yes! - Oh, my God.
- What? He just smiled at me with his mouth.
Did he? Janet's been waiting for him to do that.
I'm the first person in the world that he's ever smiled at? Oh, babababa.
- Aren't you handsome? - Don't say it too loud, he gets jealous.
This is great, isn't it? Enjoying each others' company.
A bit of attention.
- Whoo! - (All) Yeah! Ba-ba! Ba-ba-ba-ba! - (All) Whoa! - Ba-ba-ba-ba! - There's a hole in his Babygro.
- It's where his head goes.
This rattle has an Oxfam sticker on it.
I didn't realise they were that skint.
I told you.
Hello, Gonna and Daz! Hello, lickle Corinthian.
He's drunk.
Fart as a pissed.
No, I'm not.
Sit down.
He's fast asleep.
Do you want a little drinky of beer, little baby? From my teats.
Janet, I didn't mean what I said.
You're not a baby bore.
Ah.
And your buckets aren't stupid.
So, Janet Janet? Are you asleep? Janet! i want you to have this.
It's for Corinthian.
You sold our baby? - Come here and fight me! - Listen I didn't realise before.
He's beautiful.
He's a little miracle.
He's just a bloody baby.
OK.
Well, come on.
We'll get going.
Oh! Janet, he smiled at me.
- He smiled? At you? - Yup.
A big one, full gums and everything.
It was lovely.
You bucket-headed bitch! I had a religious experience on the road to Widnes.
I really do love you very, very much.
You're too late to save this soul.
Look what I found.
I don't see why you have to shout at me.
Who're you and what have you done with Gaz? Janet? Janet!