Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001) s08e09 Episode Script

The Aftermath - Part One: Waiting For Gaz

1 We had sex! No! How could you do this to me? It was a mistake.
It probably won't happen again.
He was my husband first.
That didn't stop you jumping into bed with him like some chav-y slag, did it? Why, Gaz? I thought you and Donna were finished! So did I.
So who's it gonna be? It's up to you, Gaz.
Jesus! I love you.
It's always been you.
SHE SOBS # Oh, Mr Bartender give me a drink # I want a cold, black glass with bubbles in it # And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now # Just think I'll wait a while # I'll have a pint of lager, please! And a packet of flakies.
Tim! What's with the pineapples and the large Jamaican man? The pineapples are for my new tropical cocktail, the Fizzy Bitch Flap.
It's part pineapple, part lemon, but 100% fabulous.
Tim, your Fizzy Bitch Flaps are delicious.
And the large Jamaican man? Oh! Cuthbert's just for me.
Nearly three, guys! Oh, good! What's three? When Gaz makes his choice - me.
Gaz is coming here? I'll have to tell him to put up his dukes for stealing the love of my life.
Then? Then I'll run very fast in that direction.
Gaz?! Oh.
You need to tell her Gaz is not coming.
She likes you.
Why'd you let your girlfriend steal my baby daddy? You big praying mantis-shaped whorehound! You think so? Well, you're one of those pleasant, long boys, aren't you? Unless Do you have a deep, dark, terrible secret that no-one must know? And if they did you'd be cast out of human society, like the wretched beast you surely are? The guilt gnawing away at you, night after night, like an insidious sickness, slowly sucking out your soul? Your soul, is that what it is, Wesley? Do you have a deep, dark, terrible secret? Do you, do you? No, Tim.
Me neither.
Would you like another Fizzy Bitch Flap? Thanks, pissy ball sack.
Has no-one noticed this a blow to me too? I've lost Donna.
Why are you still here, then? Shouldn't you be back in that London? I came up for Donna, but I stay for the pasties.
Right, where is he? Who? The Right Honourable Arch Bishop Desmond Tutu, who do you think? Janet, how do you know Gaz is going to choose you? Donna didn't choose me.
Oh, Wesley! But you're rubbish.
Just ask Cuthbert! # I know it's a tough decision And all the choice is his I'm on a total mission To make things a piece of piss OK, is it just me, or has she started singing completely out of the blue? But what's more worrying is the lame half-rhyme between decision and mission.
I think it's genius! Youpenius.
Ha, ha.
Oh, suit yourself.
# Cos Gaz wants a load of offspring # And Donna's a frigid slag I'll take his slimy offerings into my breeding bag OhmyGod.
Did she just? Yeah.
"Frigid slag" - she just used an oxymoron.
Oh, look.
Key change! # Gaz doesn't want a lady who'll run off to that London He just wants to make some babies and fill me up with his cum Eurgh.
# He's gonna pick me # He's gonna choose me # If he's got some gumption, he'll choose the chest bumped one He's gonna pick me.
What are you doing? You'll only encourage her.
It'll be embarrassing when she realises he's not coming and I'm enamoured with the rhythm! # So where's that leave me and Donna? # You think that she'll be back here? Or am I totally goner and are you a total queer? Oi! # Cos I ain't got much to offer # I'm just hoping for the best Back when I began to boff her I'd not had much on the nest Oh, yes.
It's romantic.
# It looks like we want the same thing # For Gaz to pick me not her # A ding, ding, ding, ding ding, ding, ding, ding A blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blerr It's like Sondheim's in the room.
# I hope he picks me # I hope he picks me # I'd be so bitter Life would be a shitter He's got to pick me.
Look at you people.
You really are pathetic.
You've been cheated on and abused, you must be able to see that.
The calypso is messing with your minds.
You people disgust me.
# Gaz is a moron Donna's a beast # Johnny's gone totally deceased # Janet is mumsy Louise is away Wesley is clumsy And I'm so Hip, hip, hooray? # Gaz should pick you # Gaz should pick you # Like burgers and Presley It's Donna and Wesley # Gaz should pick you # Gaz should pick me It's plain to see # Though I've got a kiddy My twat's iddy-biddy # He should pick me # He should choose you # He's nothing to lose # Then I can have Donna Though he squirted on her He's gonna pick you.
Well, that was random.
Oh, Wesley, put that pineapple down.
You'll hurt yourself.
They're not as friendly as they look on the Lilt advert, are they? Where is he?! Maybe I should give him another ring.
SHE GASPS What if he's had an accident? And forgotten who he is? I did that once.
Turns out I was Wesley Presley.
Imagine! Janet, petal.
Have you considered the other alternative? La-la, la-la, la! That he's not coming? I just said, "La-la, la-la, la" to not hear that.
How dare you make me waste my la-la's? If you didn't want to waste your la-la's you should've worn a lower-cut top.
I think you and I both have to face up to reality.
And the reality is there's a baby involved.
Gaz would never turn his back on Corinthian.
Never! But, Janet Never! Loads of men leave their children.
It doesn't mean they love them any less.
Yes, it does! No, it doesn't.
Shut up.
What would you know? You haven't got children.
Oh, why not? Because it would be so very hard for me to ejaculate into someone, would it? That's just a task beyond Wesley Presley, is it? Well, yes.
I'd say so.
Well, that's where you're wrong! Cos I do have a kid and I left it so, ha! How d'you like them apples? How could you do that? What? How could you leave your child? That makes you evil.
I still see him.
That's the beauty of an iPhone.
Also, my spirit level function tells me your countertop is distinctly wobbly.
Oh, really? Does it also tell you that I don't give a shit? OK, Wesley, not how - why? Why would a man leave his baby? Well, I wasn't with his mum and truth be told, I fell in love with Donna.
Ah, right.
So you're saying that Donna is just this vixen who charms innocent men away from their partners and kids? No, not at all! Yes, you are.
You're saying she's some mysterious siren who takes innocent men away with her vortex vagina, aren't you? Uh, OK, then! You bastard! How dare you fall in love with her? When I'm sitting at home with a little baby watching Homes Under the Hammer! Janet, love! You're projecting! That's because I'm a beautiful public speaker! No, you're putting your feelings about Gaz all over Wesley.
Oh, I'll put my feelings on him, all right.
I'll feel him up good! Ooh.
You can feel me up, if you like.
Well, I'm not having a nice day at all.
First Donna cheated on me with Gaz and now Janet's gonna project all over me and to top it all, my Fizzy Bitch Slap is all gone.
Aren't you angry too, Wesley? You've lost everything.
You changed your life for Donna, sacrificed everything to move up here.
You're basically more bollocksed than I am.
Yeah, you're right.
You should be furious, Wesley.
Your life is basically ruined.
I'm just not a very angry person.
Ooh! Cuthbert! That's twice he's done that since Donna's cheated on him.
I'm running out of Cuthberts! Tim, I insist on paying for the damage.
Every time you do that, Wesley Presley, you get one step closer to me not liking you.
That'll be another £500.
Cheque OK? Oh, look! I like you again.
Oh, my God! This is incredible news! This is the biggest piece of information ever! I don't believe it! What is it?! What is it?! Nowt! So, you think that you could forgive Gaz? Even though he cheated on you and in my opinion looks like a man more suited to working on the waltzers? Oh! Shit.
He does, doesn't he? He's one dog on a string from shouting, "Scream if you wanna go faster.
" To be fair, he did used to say that.
Only when I was on top, though.
Look, me and Gaz have been through tougher times than this.
I reckon we could ride out any disaster.
Well, I'm not so sure.
Why isn't he here? There's been an accident.
Gaz is in hospital.
Ha! Brilliant! See? I knew there was a reason he wasn't here.
I win, I win.
What?! What accident? What do you mean he's in hospital? I've got to get there.
Wesley, give me a lift.
Janet, wait! That was Gaz's mum.
He's fine, but he doesn't want you there.
He wants Donna.
Why did Gaz's mum phone you? We have a past.
Janet, love, are you OK? I said, "Oh", didn't I? "Oh, I'm OK," or as in, "Pass me the Junior Disprol for I need 93"? Just Just "Oh".
# A terrace house with heating # Of the central type # Not near the sheeps's bleating # Cos they give Gaz a fright # A full set of crockery in the town where I was born # A home we share together In Upper Runcorn # He watches Top Gear daily # Sets light to his own farts # He sends me to the fridge for beer # Toast I've dipped in lard # We have the brand new sofa # It all gives him the horn # We drink from stolen pint pots # In Upper Runcorn # I go round switching lights off # He can never find his keys # Every morning I wake up to the smell of fresh knob cheese # Knob cheese # Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh # Ooh-ooh-ooh # And one day we'll get wed in the town hall near to Chester # The groom in Florence and Fred # And me in polyester # A vision of perfection # A future, a new dawn # It's not going to happen # I'll always be trapped in # Lower Runcorn It's not going to happen.
SHE SOBS Nowt wrong with Lower Runcorn, if you ask me.
Those snobs up there are getting all the fumes from the chemical plants.
Us down here, it just blows over us.
Perfectly safe here.
Just ask Three-eyed Doris.
She looks upset.
Who? Three-eyed Doris? No, the middle one always waters.
Ever since Tony Cyclops poked her in it.
Jealousy, if you ask me.
No, Janet.
She's not the sort who would do something stupid, is she? Define "stupid".
She wouldn't jump off or under or any preposition pertaining to the verb jump, would she? Oh, no.
No, in all my years as a barman, barkeep, chief barman and baa baa black barman, I've seen many a tear.
Usually, I've caused it.
I can be a right bitch, you know.
Check this out.
Mmm-hmmmmm! Wow.
Yeah, that is amazing.
But shouldn't someone comfort Janet? Oh, I suppose.
Arthur! Deal with it! Well, don't hurry on my account, you lazy old tart! Poor Janet.
I mean, a widow, a single mother, and now she's lost her best friend to her boyfriend.
And is it me, or does she look a bit hip-y in that tracksuit, too? Tim, now you're just being cruel.
In all my years of bar work, I've seen the full gamut of human emotions.
What's a gamut? I think it's like an almond, only bitter.
So, you've seen this type of thing before, then.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it'll soon blow over.
She'll have someone else in no time.
She's highly desirable in this neck of the woods.
She's a single mother with no job and no income.
And no prison record, and no tattoos.
The girl's a catch! Never let that man near me again! Do you know what he used to do to Americans in the war for half a bitter? He called it a GI blow.
Feeling better, are we? Not really.
I mean, I've lost the love of my life.
Oh, Janet, love.
Oh, shut up! What? I can't stand people that wallow.
I see! And what would you do if Helena left you, eh? Would you just carry on? She has left me.
Many times.
She moved in with the hooker from her ladies' rugby team for three weeks.
That's before I promised to stop coming home in the middle of the day.
What's wrong with that? You don't wanna know.
Suffice to say, it's a promise I'll keep until the day I die.
My eyes nearly popped clean out of my head! Well, maybe I'm not as strong as you.
Maybe I need a good wallow before I can move on.
I'll second that.
In fact, I'll join you in a good wallow, we'll be heartbroken together.
Oh, shut up, Wesley Presley.
This is about me! Oh! Ignore her, she just wants attention.
Oh! Oh! She's got my blood boiling now.
And when my blood boils, I get my 'tude on.
You know what I'm saying? Mmmm hmmm! Mmmm hmmm! # OK, babies # Check it out Yeah, yeah # Can I get a, "Woop, woop", Arthur? # Listen, y'all, let me give you the LD on the sit, bro # T to the I to the M Claypole # T to the I to the M # Janet Keogh I see your face get sad # Watching from the office Kind of making me mad # I hear you, bro Brrap! # Time to work your shit out And stop your self pity # Walk like a woman That boy ain't worth shit # Eat it # Wind your sexy booty round my crusty, three pronged stool # Suck on my beer mats Lick up Arthur's drool # Shamone # No excuses, no tears, no wallowing # Give me your hand, bitch And let me know that you're following.
# I know I'm quite nice She's rather nice # I know I'm kind # She's so very kind # That's why when I cry all around I'm letting myself down # You're letting your ass down # I am so lovely # Really, really lovely # I bake nice cakes # Such lovely cakes # Everyone knows that # Knows that # But I can't stop the ache # Stop the ache # Gaz should be ashamed Cos he's a naughty boy # Gaz should be ashamed Cos he's a silly boy # Gaz should, Gaz should, Gaz should # Gaz should # Gaz should be made To say he's sorry # Gaz should write a letter of apology # Gaz should, Gaz should, Gaz should # Gaz should # Gaz is a git # He's a git # Gaz is a tit # Such a big tit # Coz he's a cheater # Cos he's a cheater And he's shagging Donna up the # Shhhhh # I'll be polite # Definitely # I'll not be unfair # Ever so mean # I just don't care # But he's not seeing my kid no more # Gaz can think again about Corinthian # Gaz can piss right off Cos he isn't his son # Gaz can, Gaz can, Gaz can # Gaz can # Gaz can go to court But I'll just tell him no # Gaz can talk to me but the kid's no go # Gaz can, Gaz can, Gaz can Gaz can.
Yeah, that'll mess him up, won't it? He won't be expecting that, will he? I'll mess him up real good.
Well done, Tim, you've broken her.
Suck on that, Gaz Wilkinson! If you don't want me, then you can't have Corinthian! Eat it, swallow it, take it in the face! I'm not keen on that glint in her eye! She looks like my uncle Billy after he was castrated by a fence! Janet, I think, maybe, you just want to hurt Gaz.
Too bloody right I do.
Isn't he a good dad, you know, to your son? Jonny was better! Gaz just upped and left! For goodness sake! This Jonny character I've heard so much about wasn't exactly a stickler for sticking around, was he? Oh come on, it's been a year, get over it! What?! Well, isn't that an even bigger betrayal? Dying on you.
What a bastard! That's unfair, Tim.
Wasn't his fault.
It so was! I've heard how he died! Yes, ridiculously! Doesn't make it his fault, though! He didn't have to take those risks.
Flying to Hawaii, entering a magazine competition? And it wasn't even Reader's Digest! That's just not sensible.
No, he didn't have to go anywhere near a shark if he didn't want to.
How dare you say that to me! Sometimes sharks areinevitable.
If this Jonny was still around, none of this would have happened.
He wouldn't have split up Gaz and Donna.
No, butI was grieving.
What I don't get is, how straight after your husband died, you got off with your best mate's husband.
Well Ibecau That is an interesting point.
I mean, I've been a bit reticent to bring it up before, because maybe it's like a tradition in Runcorn.
You know, like making fun of the handicapped.
Seems a bit odd, don't you think? I was grieving! Didn't you get off with Gaz before Jonny died? I was greedy! And that was a mistake! One that made you pregnant! Corinthian is Jonny's.
He is! How do you I just know! But say Corinthian WAS Gaz's.
You'd have one hell of a bargaining tool.
You could get rid of Donna.
I know.
I know that.
But he is Jonny's.
I mean, you only have to look at the way he eats biscuits.
All slobbery and glassy eyed, with a tiny erection.
Just like Jonny.
Janet, don't Look, if it was a choice between getting Gaz back and admitting and losing Jonny, I'd sacrifice Gaz every time.
Look, it's complicated.
On Facebook, that means you're cheating on someone.
You're right.
I am cheating on someone.
I'mcheating on myself! Oh, get over yourself, drama queen.
I don't think I can cope with Gaz choosing Donna.
What do you care? They deserve each other.
Gaz and Donna were meant to be.
Youyou're on your own.
I've never been on my own.
Who am I gonna talk to? Who's gonna take charge of the remote control? Because I can't be trusted, I can't! It'll be night after night of Come Dine With me on More4.
And when it's over, I'll just switch over and watch it again on More4+1! Janetyou've got us.
Yeah, we can be your new gang! The Three Musketeers! I don't want to be the Musketeers.
The Three Amigos.
The Three Tenors.
Bagsie Pavarotti.
We've all got something in common! We all hate Gaz! I don't hate Gaz.
Yes! The Three Gaz Haters! Seriously, I have nothing against the guy.
Does it, perchance, make you want to sing? Why, yes.
Yes it does, Mr Presley.
Oh, what the hell? Hit it! # Seems that the man's decided # And his choice, it wasn't me # But ever since Jonny dieded # I've not had time to grieve # Poor Gaz has had such a lot of # Things to go through this year # Divorce, death, and not a jot of sticking it up someone's rear # Gaz can go free # Free, free # He didn't pick me # Me, me # I will forgive him But I won't go with him # I've got my baby # I'll let him go now # I'll just say no now # For my baby # Old man's pub with Arthur Young Wesley and young me # There's surely nowhere other # You're better off to be # Good scan # New friends are your best ones # In the town where you were born # A home for you and Corinthian # A home for me and Corinthian In arse-end Runcorn.
Hey, let's stop thinking and start drinking! No.
# Gaza can suck my bum Cos he's a nincompoop # Gaz can stay at home And whack off his love flute # Gaz can, Gaz can, Gaz can # Gaz can # Donna's stuck with Gaz I hope that they're happy # Cos I've got bottles booties and a full nappy # Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah Oh yeah.
# If you need a baby daddy You're looking in the wrong place # Cos Gaz is just far too laddy You need a fresh new face.
Too soon, Wesley! # I'm not suggesting me, though # I'm just saying you could try # Somebody who wouldn't say no To being in your life.
Wesley, you little man-whore! # Wesley is right, Gaz was a shite # I need more than that Stupid fucking twat # Let's have a drink And not over think # Wesley is right # I'm moving on # That dickhead is gone # Corinthian is my only focus # I've got to move on # Donna can keep him # Cos I'm gonna leap in # I'll send the sheep in When he is sleeping # I'll stop repeating He's late for our meeting # I'm going to move on # She's moving on # She is so gone # Gaz is no more now We're wiping the floor now # She's shutting the door now # From that man-whore now # She's moving on # It's moving on # So close the curt-on # The show is finished the pain has diminished # The ending is near now There's nothing to fear now # Let's all drink a beer now Cos we're all still here now But we're moving on.
Oi, God! Can I have my boyfriend back, please? We've got a lot of work to do.
Oh, we certainly have, baby! Ew! Don't call me baby.
It's better than Flapzilla.
You can't give up, Gaz.
If you give up, you die.
I might as well be dead.