Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001) s08e10 Episode Script
The Aftermath - Part Two: Sliding Gaz
1 Oh.
We had sex! No.
How could you do this to me? It was a mistake.
It probably won't happen again.
He was my husband first.
That didn't stop you jumping into bed with him like some chavvy slag! Why, Gaz? I thought you and Donna were finished? So did I.
So who's it going to be? It's up to you, Gaz.
Oh, Jesus! I love you.
It's always been you.
DONNA SOBS # Hey, mister bartender Give me a drink # I wanna cold wet glass With bubbles in it # And that doesn't mean I can't Handle anything stronger now # Just think I'll wait a while # I'll have a pint of lager, please And a pack of flakies! Gaz, sweetheart I wish you'd told me you were going to drop into a coma four days after we got back together.
I could have booked a holiday.
Wake up.
Wake up.
The superbugs are coming to get you! They're going to eat your foreskin.
You know, in Australian soap operas, being in a coma just meant you were going to release a record.
Or go and do a pantomime in Whitby.
To be honest, you are wasting your time using it to repair a serious back injury.
You could have met Biggins.
Or Chegwin.
I know, what about a game of .
.
Volleyball? Shot! Oh Gary! Please wake up.
The children are simply devastated without you.
They need their father.
If Hermione is to attend the gymkhana for Whitsun See, they treat you better if they think you're posh.
That's why I've been wiping you with the free perfume samples from the magazines.
So, buggalogs, when are you going to wake up then? When are we going to find out if your spine's knackered, if you're going to be walking or wheeling out of here? Or neither.
Look, I know I don't believe in God or anything, but He's probably a bit more communicative than you, you ignorant twat.
So, I'm going to talk to Him for a sec.
Oi, God! Can I have my boyfriend back, please? Come on! You made Miley Cyrus happen, you owe me.
OK, I'll do a deal with you.
If you give me Gaz back, I promise I'll look after him for ever.
No matter what happens, I'll take whatever consequences, just give him back to me, please? Yeah, well, ta very much God, if that's your real name.
Great help you are! "When Mr Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced "that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday" Oh, for God's sakes.
"Then, shouldering their burdens, they set off, "seeking a path that would bring them over the grey hills of the Emyn Muil, "down into the Land of Shadow.
"The end.
" How long have you been there? All night! You fell asleep.
Still, the book's finished now.
So no more trolls and shit.
What happened to the Hobbits? Well, Sam went to college.
And got a lady auk pregnant.
Freddo joined a cult.
And Bobo had a partial sex change.
It was pretty intense.
What happened to Gandalf? Dead.
Choked on a peanut.
I think that's why Sam went off the rails.
Donna, I really appreciate this.
You being here night after night.
Reading to me and bringing me stuff.
I mean, after you know Look, Gaz, I don't want to dwell on the past any more.
Neither do I.
I just want to get on with our lives.
Well, Dr Unpronounceable will be here in a mo with your scan.
Fingers crossed we can get you out of here today.
That's a shame.
I started fancying one of the nurses as well! A couple of very embarrassing sponge bath stories.
Pardon? You're quite literally the stupidest man in the world, aren't you? Donna? I didn't know you were there.
Was I talking in my sleep again? Good save.
Aye.
Who's stupid now, eh? Still you.
Come on then, let's get out of here.
Wait, wait, wait! Hold on, Gaz.
Dr Unpronounceable said not to get out of bed till he'd given you the all-clear.
We don't know what's going on with your spine.
I'm leaving this bloody place today.
You've got no idea how boring it is being in hospital.
Oh, I do! You go try and find someone.
Unless you want to make a start on the Two Towers.
Yeah, I'll go and get someone.
Master of cunning! Ah, oh, I'm stiff.
Ooh, stiff! Yeah! ha! Ahhhh! Argh! Donna! Donna! Donna! I'm leaving this bloody place today.
You've got no idea how boring it is being in hospital.
Oh, I do! Fine, you go and try and find someone.
Unless you want make a start on the Two Towers? Yeah, I'll go and get someone.
Yeah.
Master of cunning! He he! Don There's no Bobo in Lord Of The Rings.
THEY GIGGLE Welcome home! Oh, it's good to be back.
Well, I like what you've done with the place.
Why, thank you, sir.
I had to make a few changes when I knew I'd have an invalid joining me.
It looks pretty similar to me.
Uh-uh-uh.
Oh, Donna.
That's lovely, that is.
I saw one just like that in Laura Ashley.
And of course A brand new 19-inch wide screen in-built Blu-ray high-def TV.
Oh, Donna, you've got such an eye for interior decorating.
And, my piece de resistance.
Pornography.
Well, you know I'm not a fan, but Dr Unpronounceable said you did need to masturbate as much as possible.
I had it covered in plastic sheeting.
You know, for.
You've thought of everything.
What? Don't! Are you crying? I'm just so happy, come here.
Oh, thanks for the hand, Arthur.
You keep taking those steroids.
Welcome home! Yeah.
I had to make a few changes, when I knew I'd have We'll have to move.
You can't drag me up and down those steps every day.
You'll be better in no time.
You know that's not true.
Well, it all looks pretty similar in here.
Uh-uh-uh.
Healthy snacks.
And protein shakes to help you get back on your fee Well, to help you find your fee Well, to eat.
Yeah, great.
I get to be stuck in this thing and eat food that makes me fart.
And of course A brand new 19-inch widescreen in-built Blu-ray high-def TV.
What was wrong with the old one? You're going to be spending a lot more time here, I thought a decent telly would make life a bit more, you know We could watch cartoons while we do your physio.
Oh, wow! Everyone should get severe spinal injuries, it's such great fun! Watch me jump with bastard glee.
I know you're being sarcastic, but I'm sure you'll be impressed by my piece de resistance.
Pornography? Yeah.
It's your favourite.
Very fat women.
Jogging.
What exactly am I going to use this for? I'm sorry For all the fun I'll get, I might as well shove it up my arse.
I could help you with that, if you want? No, thank you, it's very kind.
But if I could actually feel my arse, and what it was up to at any given moment, I'd take you up on that.
That reminds me.
Ta-da! What? I had it covered in plastic sheeting.
You know, for Well, you've thought of everything.
Are you crying? GAZ SOBS I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
What are you crying for? I'm the one who's been in hospital.
Just getting a bit teary.
We've got a lot of work to do.
We certainly have, baby.
Don't call me baby! It's better than Flapzilla.
When did you ever call me Flapzilla? Oh, I didn't, no.
Someone else's pet name.
Oh, Janet's? No, someone else.
Well, who else? You've only had three girlfriends.
I've had hundreds of girlfriends and countless lovers.
Hundreds? Hundreds and thousands.
You're just the tip of the Battenberg.
Wa-hey! Popped many a cherry! Will you stop speaking in cake? Let's count them.
Right, me? You.
Janet.
Janet.
Erm Bald Shirley.
Yes, who could forget bald Shirley? I've still got her wig somewhere.
I got it caught in my zip, right.
I was walking home afterwards.
It looked like I had a clown in a leg lock.
Fit.
Who else? Er Well, there's that doll I lost my virginity to.
That's not a person.
I think you'll find on My Sally's box it said, "Extremely lifelike, and brushable pubes".
And, to answer your question, yes, I did, and yes, they were.
Look, admit it, Gaz.
You've only slept with three women.
There's no shame in it.
OK, OK.
I've slept with three women.
Care to make it four? Oh, Gaz, you are so very, very stupid.
Three! That's less than Jonny, and he's dead.
Don't worry, I've only slept with five.
But you're supposed to, you're a girl.
No, six.
No, hold on! Seven.
Although he didn't finish.
Cos his beagle came in and stuck its nose up his arse.
Donna, seven! I mean, that's double my three.
Oh, no! Oh, no.
I got a blowy in the gents toilets at Knutsford Services through a convenient little hole in the wall.
You should keep that to yourself.
It was great! She had no teeth.
She had a pretty bad moustache for a bird, though.
Does this mean you're going to cheat on me again, Gaz, to get your numbers up? I am never even going to look at another woman, Donna.
Never ever again.
Shall we go to bed? It's the middle of the afternoon, you la Ah-oooh! What are you crying for? Oh, I'm just really Really happy! So, cheer up! Come on then! Up and at 'em! Onwards and upwards! Up, up and away! Will you stop saying "up"? I can't go in that direction.
I'm sorry.
I don't blame you.
We've got a lot of work to do.
On us.
God, no.
Oh, no! We're fine, yeah.
We're great! Are you taking the piss? I meant that we've got a lot of physio work to do.
There's no point, it's hopeless.
There's always hope, that's what Dr Unpronounceable said.
He says that to everyone.
I saw him shouting it in the shower to that alcoholic tramp from the liver ward.
You sure that wasn't, "There's always soap"? Ha Donna, They don't think I'll walk again.
Neither do I.
Of course you'll walk again! Medicine has come a long way.
They can put massive ears on the backs of mice now.
We have to face reality.
That reality is, I'll never bone you again.
Of course you will.
We can stick a pipe cleaner in it.
You can put a curve in it like you've always wanted.
How am I going to feel anything, Donna? You might not be able to feel anything, but what about me? You're still a gorgeous hunky man, phwoar! You're still my big brute of a beast of a big, big You know.
I mean, I'll want to do it every day! Probably.
Phwoar! You never wanted to before.
Well, I just find you so attractive now.
I have a thing about wheels.
Donna Donna, please don't.
You can enjoy the visuals.
I could go on top.
I could stick sudoku puzzles to the underside of my breasts.
Donna, I am spent.
I can't give you that, and to be honest, what else am I good for? You're good at tons of things.
I'm not.
I weren't even that good at that.
Do you know Do you know how many women I've slept with? Hundreds.
Everybody said you were the best looking man in Runcorn.
Three.
Three.
You, Janet and bald Shirley.
Donna, why would you want to be with me? I'm a broken man.
I'm never even going to look at another woman, Donna.
Never ever again.
Oh, Gaz.
Get over yourself! Oh, yeah! Gaz Wilkinson, back in the saddle.
Oh, eight minutes of heaven.
Whoo! Hey, do you want another go? After three months in hospital, I've got a backlog in me bollocks.
That one was just the plug.
No, thank you! As charming as that was, we've got some things to talk about.
If we're going to get back together, there have to be some changes.
Most pressingly, the sheets.
Sorry.
You have been saving that up, haven't you? I feel like I'm sat in a jellyfish.
Well, it's hard to have a wank in the hospital.
I tend to be quite noisy.
They probably wondered why you were shouting your own name in the middle of the night.
Why would I shout someone else's name? They're not as fit.
Just makes more sense to go, "Ohhh, Gaz!" Gaz.
No, it's more like, "Ohhh, Gaz!" I've put off talking to you about this, about what we're going to do up until now.
I didn't think it was appropriate while you were in a coma.
Stop pretending to go into a coma.
Well, I had no escape when I was in hospital, so you've shat on your kebab there, haven't you? I'm off to the pub, bye.
No! Gaz, I have written a list of rules for you to abide by.
A very simple 257 rules.
What? That's great, well done.
I'll be in The Archer, ta-ra.
Rule one - we talk once a week about where the relationship is going.
Argh! We have to communicate, Gaz.
I want total honesty.
OK.
Honestly I sometimes still wank over pictures of your dead mother.
And in all total honesty, I am honestly not going to talk to you about this relationship.
It is what it is.
End of.
Shut up.
I've come.
Pint now.
Thank you.
Gaz! Listen, life's too short to communicate with your loved ones.
I sat by your bed night after night for three months.
The least you can do is listen to what I want now.
I'm going to see my mates.
What mates, Gaz? You can't slap me.
Yeah? Well, I just did.
I'm disabled, I get special treatment.
You have to treat me better than that now.
I thought you people didn't want special treatment.
"You people"? Oh, thanks a lot, Donna.
I'm not people, I'm an individual, I'm a human being.
Yes, one who needed a slap.
You're not going to get any special treatment from me.
What's that? Nothing.
Just because you're on wheels now doesn't mean you can wallow in self-pity.
Look at me! What am I going to look like when the muscles in my legs waste away? I'll be like an egg on stilts.
Well, you can't give up, Gaz.
If you give up, you die.
I might as well be dead.
Oi! That's verging on abuse now.
You've still got your health above your waist.
You've still got the garage, somewhere to live, me.
Yeah, you.
I haven't got anyone else though, have I? You've got friends.
There were loads of cards at the hospital, from your footie mates.
Oh, yeah.
I'll be on the five-a-side team in no time.
I'll be the striker.
I'll kick the ball dead hard like this.
Hold on, there seems to be something wrong with this picture.
Goal! There's your mates in the pub.
Wesley? I don't know if it slipped your attention, I'm shagging his girlfriend.
Or I was.
Now I'm just I suppose I can finger you.
Of course you can.
I love a good finger! Or Tim.
He's a nice bloke.
You could hang out with Tim, I bet he wouldn't mind.
Wouldn't mind? I didn't mean it like that.
I meant Wouldn't frigging mind, that's great, that is.
Maybe he'll let me watch him with his real friends while I paint beautiful pictures on the floor with my left foot? I've looked into it.
There's groups in Runcorn, support groups.
What kind of support groups? For people who've had accidents, spinal injuries.
They're very popular with the disabled community.
I don't want to hang around with disabled people.
What would I have in common with them? Apart from that.
They go on trips.
Fishing.
Theme parks.
They give a carer a break for a bit.
They'd give me a break, Gaz.
It's been 20 minutes! Yeah, but it's gonna be for the rest of my life.
Look, I know none of this is fair on you.
I know you shouldn't be in that chair.
But it's happened.
We're going to have to deal with it.
Or maybe you could say, "Good boy, good boy!" and pat me on the head next time I shit myself.
Could you be any more patronising? Now I know it's very hard for you, but it's hard for me too.
And we're going to have to help each other.
OK? So you could be more patronising then.
Fine.
See if I care.
Donna.
No.
I'm going out.
I've tried to help you.
You've slapped me and threatened me.
You're the Idi Amin of healthcare.
I'm doing my best, Gaz.
Oh, Donna, Donna, wait! I need a shit.
Where are you going? To see my mates.
What mates? DOOR SLAMS Ohhh.
Oh! Oh, shit! What do you mean, "What mates?" They're all on Janet's side.
The crash bought you a bit of sympathy, but, sorry, Janet's a single parent widow, she wins.
Is Janet our friend, yeah? Not very.
What about Wesley? Or Tim? The squeaky twat bag? They're all on Janet's side.
Here you are.
My footie mates.
They sent me a massive card.
You? I wondered why they all had the same handwriting, why they put kisses after their names.
I thought it was a new thing.
I suppose Kevin doesn't heart me big.
I suspect not.
It'd be different if I'd broke my spine.
Some people are so fickle.
We did a really bad thing, Gaz.
I can't blame people for taking time to forgive us.
What about you? No-one speaking to you neither? I've still got my job at The Archer, but my tips aren't as big as they used to be.
That's sagging, it's just your age.
Tips.
Oh, aye, the tips of them, too.
You wait till you have kids.
They'll not only become flatter, but longer.
That's something we'll have to talk about, it's early days.
What do you mean, you might not want kids? Well, change the words "might not" to "definitely don't" and then you're there.
I definitely don't want kids.
Look, I've thought about it and I don't.
Soz.
What's the point in having a vagina other than to wee through? Gaz, no women wee out of their vagina.
Keep telling yourself that, freak show.
And anyway, just because I don't want kids, it doesn't mean I'm pointless.
I can still have a fulfilling life without them.
And I won't have to tuck my cervix back in with a spoon when I'm 60.
Well, that's a shock.
It can't be that much of a shock, you have met me before, good old career girl Donna.
Yes, the crazy world of barmaiding going well for you, is it? Punters lining up to lap from your drip tray, are they? I won't be a barmaid for ever.
No, just until I babby you up.
Look, Gaz, I'm sorry, I'm just not that way inclined.
I don't want children.
I see my mates, the ones who have got babies, like they used to be these bright, vivacious naughty women and now they're like like cows.
Cows? Like moo cows? No, Gaz, the other kind of cow! All of them, it's like, if they're not looking vacant and tired, they're expressing milk.
And in Janet's case, standing in a field trying to lick her own udders.
It's so boring.
Gaz, aren't I enough for you? Gaz! You've got to understand.
I do want children.
I mean You're wrong.
You're wrong about this.
There is one person who's speaking to me - Corinthian.
Gaz! You know, I am his father.
You can't say anything though, he's all Janet's got left of Jonny.
He's all I've got left of me, isn't he? Gaz! Shit! DOOR SLAMS Oh, shit! No, no, no.
Gaz, you were right.
Shit! I have no mates.
Wha? What the hell are you doing? I'm trying to have a shit.
Give us some privacy, please.
Donna, I'm touching cloth! What are you doing? Gaz, we've got so much to sort out.
Oh yeah, I know.
I've read your list of rules.
Been very busy, haven't we, eh? Sorting out what I can and can't do.
It's not really relevant any more, is it? Seeing as I can't even stop drinking excessively, or shower once a day, or drive any more.
Disabled people can do all of those things, Gaz.
Shit, me van! What's going to happen to my van? Well, I wanted to talk to you about that.
I've found a buyer.
No! No, no, no, Donna, I can't sell the Gazmobile.
You know how many women I've had in the back of that thing.
You've just told me.
Three.
We've got no choice, Gaz.
Eh? I might as well be dead.
Will you stop doing that! Well, you're talking out of your arse again.
Is this one of your total honesty conversations you wanted in your list of rules? Look, Gaz, stop it.
We've got to look after each other now, we've only got each other.
I was thinking We could have a kid.
Donna, I can't have any more of them.
What, kids? Of course you can.
We'll get some sperm out of you somehow.
I mean, they're still in there, there's just no escape hatch.
My cock's not dropped off, Donna! Jesus! They can still get out, I just can't feel them.
Looking on the bright side, it means when I sit on my bollocks, I don't feel it.
I hope they don't burst.
There's medical procedures, needles and scalpels, ways of unleashing them.
Well, how romantic! "Daddy, where did I come from?" Well, son, Mr Doctor Man sucked you out of Daddy's balls with a needle.
Then dropped you into a turkey baster and fired you up your mum's chuff hole.
Ooh, the miracle of life! Anyway, you don't want kids.
Yes, I do! You don't want them.
You're just taking pity on me.
That's why we're here, isn't it? That's the point of being here.
I mean, the crazy world of barmaiding hasn't panned out for me, has it? I do want children.
Your children.
You nearly dying changed my mind for me.
I think if something good can come out of this, then, yeah, yeah, let's have kids.
I want kids for definite, for sure.
Really? Yes, fine.
Really, really? Yes.
Mine? Yes, Gaz.
Come here.
If I wasn't paralysed, I'd have an erection right now.
That's beautiful.
MACHINE BEEPS Yeah, I can put up with any of that.
I'll put up with anything.
Just Just give him back, will you? # Hey, mister bartender Give me a drink # I wanna cold wet glass With bubbles in it # And that doesn't mean I can't # Handle anything stronger now # Just think I'll wait a while # I'll have a pint of lager, please And a pack of flakies!
We had sex! No.
How could you do this to me? It was a mistake.
It probably won't happen again.
He was my husband first.
That didn't stop you jumping into bed with him like some chavvy slag! Why, Gaz? I thought you and Donna were finished? So did I.
So who's it going to be? It's up to you, Gaz.
Oh, Jesus! I love you.
It's always been you.
DONNA SOBS # Hey, mister bartender Give me a drink # I wanna cold wet glass With bubbles in it # And that doesn't mean I can't Handle anything stronger now # Just think I'll wait a while # I'll have a pint of lager, please And a pack of flakies! Gaz, sweetheart I wish you'd told me you were going to drop into a coma four days after we got back together.
I could have booked a holiday.
Wake up.
Wake up.
The superbugs are coming to get you! They're going to eat your foreskin.
You know, in Australian soap operas, being in a coma just meant you were going to release a record.
Or go and do a pantomime in Whitby.
To be honest, you are wasting your time using it to repair a serious back injury.
You could have met Biggins.
Or Chegwin.
I know, what about a game of .
.
Volleyball? Shot! Oh Gary! Please wake up.
The children are simply devastated without you.
They need their father.
If Hermione is to attend the gymkhana for Whitsun See, they treat you better if they think you're posh.
That's why I've been wiping you with the free perfume samples from the magazines.
So, buggalogs, when are you going to wake up then? When are we going to find out if your spine's knackered, if you're going to be walking or wheeling out of here? Or neither.
Look, I know I don't believe in God or anything, but He's probably a bit more communicative than you, you ignorant twat.
So, I'm going to talk to Him for a sec.
Oi, God! Can I have my boyfriend back, please? Come on! You made Miley Cyrus happen, you owe me.
OK, I'll do a deal with you.
If you give me Gaz back, I promise I'll look after him for ever.
No matter what happens, I'll take whatever consequences, just give him back to me, please? Yeah, well, ta very much God, if that's your real name.
Great help you are! "When Mr Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced "that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday" Oh, for God's sakes.
"Then, shouldering their burdens, they set off, "seeking a path that would bring them over the grey hills of the Emyn Muil, "down into the Land of Shadow.
"The end.
" How long have you been there? All night! You fell asleep.
Still, the book's finished now.
So no more trolls and shit.
What happened to the Hobbits? Well, Sam went to college.
And got a lady auk pregnant.
Freddo joined a cult.
And Bobo had a partial sex change.
It was pretty intense.
What happened to Gandalf? Dead.
Choked on a peanut.
I think that's why Sam went off the rails.
Donna, I really appreciate this.
You being here night after night.
Reading to me and bringing me stuff.
I mean, after you know Look, Gaz, I don't want to dwell on the past any more.
Neither do I.
I just want to get on with our lives.
Well, Dr Unpronounceable will be here in a mo with your scan.
Fingers crossed we can get you out of here today.
That's a shame.
I started fancying one of the nurses as well! A couple of very embarrassing sponge bath stories.
Pardon? You're quite literally the stupidest man in the world, aren't you? Donna? I didn't know you were there.
Was I talking in my sleep again? Good save.
Aye.
Who's stupid now, eh? Still you.
Come on then, let's get out of here.
Wait, wait, wait! Hold on, Gaz.
Dr Unpronounceable said not to get out of bed till he'd given you the all-clear.
We don't know what's going on with your spine.
I'm leaving this bloody place today.
You've got no idea how boring it is being in hospital.
Oh, I do! You go try and find someone.
Unless you want to make a start on the Two Towers.
Yeah, I'll go and get someone.
Master of cunning! Ah, oh, I'm stiff.
Ooh, stiff! Yeah! ha! Ahhhh! Argh! Donna! Donna! Donna! I'm leaving this bloody place today.
You've got no idea how boring it is being in hospital.
Oh, I do! Fine, you go and try and find someone.
Unless you want make a start on the Two Towers? Yeah, I'll go and get someone.
Yeah.
Master of cunning! He he! Don There's no Bobo in Lord Of The Rings.
THEY GIGGLE Welcome home! Oh, it's good to be back.
Well, I like what you've done with the place.
Why, thank you, sir.
I had to make a few changes when I knew I'd have an invalid joining me.
It looks pretty similar to me.
Uh-uh-uh.
Oh, Donna.
That's lovely, that is.
I saw one just like that in Laura Ashley.
And of course A brand new 19-inch wide screen in-built Blu-ray high-def TV.
Oh, Donna, you've got such an eye for interior decorating.
And, my piece de resistance.
Pornography.
Well, you know I'm not a fan, but Dr Unpronounceable said you did need to masturbate as much as possible.
I had it covered in plastic sheeting.
You know, for.
You've thought of everything.
What? Don't! Are you crying? I'm just so happy, come here.
Oh, thanks for the hand, Arthur.
You keep taking those steroids.
Welcome home! Yeah.
I had to make a few changes, when I knew I'd have We'll have to move.
You can't drag me up and down those steps every day.
You'll be better in no time.
You know that's not true.
Well, it all looks pretty similar in here.
Uh-uh-uh.
Healthy snacks.
And protein shakes to help you get back on your fee Well, to help you find your fee Well, to eat.
Yeah, great.
I get to be stuck in this thing and eat food that makes me fart.
And of course A brand new 19-inch widescreen in-built Blu-ray high-def TV.
What was wrong with the old one? You're going to be spending a lot more time here, I thought a decent telly would make life a bit more, you know We could watch cartoons while we do your physio.
Oh, wow! Everyone should get severe spinal injuries, it's such great fun! Watch me jump with bastard glee.
I know you're being sarcastic, but I'm sure you'll be impressed by my piece de resistance.
Pornography? Yeah.
It's your favourite.
Very fat women.
Jogging.
What exactly am I going to use this for? I'm sorry For all the fun I'll get, I might as well shove it up my arse.
I could help you with that, if you want? No, thank you, it's very kind.
But if I could actually feel my arse, and what it was up to at any given moment, I'd take you up on that.
That reminds me.
Ta-da! What? I had it covered in plastic sheeting.
You know, for Well, you've thought of everything.
Are you crying? GAZ SOBS I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
What are you crying for? I'm the one who's been in hospital.
Just getting a bit teary.
We've got a lot of work to do.
We certainly have, baby.
Don't call me baby! It's better than Flapzilla.
When did you ever call me Flapzilla? Oh, I didn't, no.
Someone else's pet name.
Oh, Janet's? No, someone else.
Well, who else? You've only had three girlfriends.
I've had hundreds of girlfriends and countless lovers.
Hundreds? Hundreds and thousands.
You're just the tip of the Battenberg.
Wa-hey! Popped many a cherry! Will you stop speaking in cake? Let's count them.
Right, me? You.
Janet.
Janet.
Erm Bald Shirley.
Yes, who could forget bald Shirley? I've still got her wig somewhere.
I got it caught in my zip, right.
I was walking home afterwards.
It looked like I had a clown in a leg lock.
Fit.
Who else? Er Well, there's that doll I lost my virginity to.
That's not a person.
I think you'll find on My Sally's box it said, "Extremely lifelike, and brushable pubes".
And, to answer your question, yes, I did, and yes, they were.
Look, admit it, Gaz.
You've only slept with three women.
There's no shame in it.
OK, OK.
I've slept with three women.
Care to make it four? Oh, Gaz, you are so very, very stupid.
Three! That's less than Jonny, and he's dead.
Don't worry, I've only slept with five.
But you're supposed to, you're a girl.
No, six.
No, hold on! Seven.
Although he didn't finish.
Cos his beagle came in and stuck its nose up his arse.
Donna, seven! I mean, that's double my three.
Oh, no! Oh, no.
I got a blowy in the gents toilets at Knutsford Services through a convenient little hole in the wall.
You should keep that to yourself.
It was great! She had no teeth.
She had a pretty bad moustache for a bird, though.
Does this mean you're going to cheat on me again, Gaz, to get your numbers up? I am never even going to look at another woman, Donna.
Never ever again.
Shall we go to bed? It's the middle of the afternoon, you la Ah-oooh! What are you crying for? Oh, I'm just really Really happy! So, cheer up! Come on then! Up and at 'em! Onwards and upwards! Up, up and away! Will you stop saying "up"? I can't go in that direction.
I'm sorry.
I don't blame you.
We've got a lot of work to do.
On us.
God, no.
Oh, no! We're fine, yeah.
We're great! Are you taking the piss? I meant that we've got a lot of physio work to do.
There's no point, it's hopeless.
There's always hope, that's what Dr Unpronounceable said.
He says that to everyone.
I saw him shouting it in the shower to that alcoholic tramp from the liver ward.
You sure that wasn't, "There's always soap"? Ha Donna, They don't think I'll walk again.
Neither do I.
Of course you'll walk again! Medicine has come a long way.
They can put massive ears on the backs of mice now.
We have to face reality.
That reality is, I'll never bone you again.
Of course you will.
We can stick a pipe cleaner in it.
You can put a curve in it like you've always wanted.
How am I going to feel anything, Donna? You might not be able to feel anything, but what about me? You're still a gorgeous hunky man, phwoar! You're still my big brute of a beast of a big, big You know.
I mean, I'll want to do it every day! Probably.
Phwoar! You never wanted to before.
Well, I just find you so attractive now.
I have a thing about wheels.
Donna Donna, please don't.
You can enjoy the visuals.
I could go on top.
I could stick sudoku puzzles to the underside of my breasts.
Donna, I am spent.
I can't give you that, and to be honest, what else am I good for? You're good at tons of things.
I'm not.
I weren't even that good at that.
Do you know Do you know how many women I've slept with? Hundreds.
Everybody said you were the best looking man in Runcorn.
Three.
Three.
You, Janet and bald Shirley.
Donna, why would you want to be with me? I'm a broken man.
I'm never even going to look at another woman, Donna.
Never ever again.
Oh, Gaz.
Get over yourself! Oh, yeah! Gaz Wilkinson, back in the saddle.
Oh, eight minutes of heaven.
Whoo! Hey, do you want another go? After three months in hospital, I've got a backlog in me bollocks.
That one was just the plug.
No, thank you! As charming as that was, we've got some things to talk about.
If we're going to get back together, there have to be some changes.
Most pressingly, the sheets.
Sorry.
You have been saving that up, haven't you? I feel like I'm sat in a jellyfish.
Well, it's hard to have a wank in the hospital.
I tend to be quite noisy.
They probably wondered why you were shouting your own name in the middle of the night.
Why would I shout someone else's name? They're not as fit.
Just makes more sense to go, "Ohhh, Gaz!" Gaz.
No, it's more like, "Ohhh, Gaz!" I've put off talking to you about this, about what we're going to do up until now.
I didn't think it was appropriate while you were in a coma.
Stop pretending to go into a coma.
Well, I had no escape when I was in hospital, so you've shat on your kebab there, haven't you? I'm off to the pub, bye.
No! Gaz, I have written a list of rules for you to abide by.
A very simple 257 rules.
What? That's great, well done.
I'll be in The Archer, ta-ra.
Rule one - we talk once a week about where the relationship is going.
Argh! We have to communicate, Gaz.
I want total honesty.
OK.
Honestly I sometimes still wank over pictures of your dead mother.
And in all total honesty, I am honestly not going to talk to you about this relationship.
It is what it is.
End of.
Shut up.
I've come.
Pint now.
Thank you.
Gaz! Listen, life's too short to communicate with your loved ones.
I sat by your bed night after night for three months.
The least you can do is listen to what I want now.
I'm going to see my mates.
What mates, Gaz? You can't slap me.
Yeah? Well, I just did.
I'm disabled, I get special treatment.
You have to treat me better than that now.
I thought you people didn't want special treatment.
"You people"? Oh, thanks a lot, Donna.
I'm not people, I'm an individual, I'm a human being.
Yes, one who needed a slap.
You're not going to get any special treatment from me.
What's that? Nothing.
Just because you're on wheels now doesn't mean you can wallow in self-pity.
Look at me! What am I going to look like when the muscles in my legs waste away? I'll be like an egg on stilts.
Well, you can't give up, Gaz.
If you give up, you die.
I might as well be dead.
Oi! That's verging on abuse now.
You've still got your health above your waist.
You've still got the garage, somewhere to live, me.
Yeah, you.
I haven't got anyone else though, have I? You've got friends.
There were loads of cards at the hospital, from your footie mates.
Oh, yeah.
I'll be on the five-a-side team in no time.
I'll be the striker.
I'll kick the ball dead hard like this.
Hold on, there seems to be something wrong with this picture.
Goal! There's your mates in the pub.
Wesley? I don't know if it slipped your attention, I'm shagging his girlfriend.
Or I was.
Now I'm just I suppose I can finger you.
Of course you can.
I love a good finger! Or Tim.
He's a nice bloke.
You could hang out with Tim, I bet he wouldn't mind.
Wouldn't mind? I didn't mean it like that.
I meant Wouldn't frigging mind, that's great, that is.
Maybe he'll let me watch him with his real friends while I paint beautiful pictures on the floor with my left foot? I've looked into it.
There's groups in Runcorn, support groups.
What kind of support groups? For people who've had accidents, spinal injuries.
They're very popular with the disabled community.
I don't want to hang around with disabled people.
What would I have in common with them? Apart from that.
They go on trips.
Fishing.
Theme parks.
They give a carer a break for a bit.
They'd give me a break, Gaz.
It's been 20 minutes! Yeah, but it's gonna be for the rest of my life.
Look, I know none of this is fair on you.
I know you shouldn't be in that chair.
But it's happened.
We're going to have to deal with it.
Or maybe you could say, "Good boy, good boy!" and pat me on the head next time I shit myself.
Could you be any more patronising? Now I know it's very hard for you, but it's hard for me too.
And we're going to have to help each other.
OK? So you could be more patronising then.
Fine.
See if I care.
Donna.
No.
I'm going out.
I've tried to help you.
You've slapped me and threatened me.
You're the Idi Amin of healthcare.
I'm doing my best, Gaz.
Oh, Donna, Donna, wait! I need a shit.
Where are you going? To see my mates.
What mates? DOOR SLAMS Ohhh.
Oh! Oh, shit! What do you mean, "What mates?" They're all on Janet's side.
The crash bought you a bit of sympathy, but, sorry, Janet's a single parent widow, she wins.
Is Janet our friend, yeah? Not very.
What about Wesley? Or Tim? The squeaky twat bag? They're all on Janet's side.
Here you are.
My footie mates.
They sent me a massive card.
You? I wondered why they all had the same handwriting, why they put kisses after their names.
I thought it was a new thing.
I suppose Kevin doesn't heart me big.
I suspect not.
It'd be different if I'd broke my spine.
Some people are so fickle.
We did a really bad thing, Gaz.
I can't blame people for taking time to forgive us.
What about you? No-one speaking to you neither? I've still got my job at The Archer, but my tips aren't as big as they used to be.
That's sagging, it's just your age.
Tips.
Oh, aye, the tips of them, too.
You wait till you have kids.
They'll not only become flatter, but longer.
That's something we'll have to talk about, it's early days.
What do you mean, you might not want kids? Well, change the words "might not" to "definitely don't" and then you're there.
I definitely don't want kids.
Look, I've thought about it and I don't.
Soz.
What's the point in having a vagina other than to wee through? Gaz, no women wee out of their vagina.
Keep telling yourself that, freak show.
And anyway, just because I don't want kids, it doesn't mean I'm pointless.
I can still have a fulfilling life without them.
And I won't have to tuck my cervix back in with a spoon when I'm 60.
Well, that's a shock.
It can't be that much of a shock, you have met me before, good old career girl Donna.
Yes, the crazy world of barmaiding going well for you, is it? Punters lining up to lap from your drip tray, are they? I won't be a barmaid for ever.
No, just until I babby you up.
Look, Gaz, I'm sorry, I'm just not that way inclined.
I don't want children.
I see my mates, the ones who have got babies, like they used to be these bright, vivacious naughty women and now they're like like cows.
Cows? Like moo cows? No, Gaz, the other kind of cow! All of them, it's like, if they're not looking vacant and tired, they're expressing milk.
And in Janet's case, standing in a field trying to lick her own udders.
It's so boring.
Gaz, aren't I enough for you? Gaz! You've got to understand.
I do want children.
I mean You're wrong.
You're wrong about this.
There is one person who's speaking to me - Corinthian.
Gaz! You know, I am his father.
You can't say anything though, he's all Janet's got left of Jonny.
He's all I've got left of me, isn't he? Gaz! Shit! DOOR SLAMS Oh, shit! No, no, no.
Gaz, you were right.
Shit! I have no mates.
Wha? What the hell are you doing? I'm trying to have a shit.
Give us some privacy, please.
Donna, I'm touching cloth! What are you doing? Gaz, we've got so much to sort out.
Oh yeah, I know.
I've read your list of rules.
Been very busy, haven't we, eh? Sorting out what I can and can't do.
It's not really relevant any more, is it? Seeing as I can't even stop drinking excessively, or shower once a day, or drive any more.
Disabled people can do all of those things, Gaz.
Shit, me van! What's going to happen to my van? Well, I wanted to talk to you about that.
I've found a buyer.
No! No, no, no, Donna, I can't sell the Gazmobile.
You know how many women I've had in the back of that thing.
You've just told me.
Three.
We've got no choice, Gaz.
Eh? I might as well be dead.
Will you stop doing that! Well, you're talking out of your arse again.
Is this one of your total honesty conversations you wanted in your list of rules? Look, Gaz, stop it.
We've got to look after each other now, we've only got each other.
I was thinking We could have a kid.
Donna, I can't have any more of them.
What, kids? Of course you can.
We'll get some sperm out of you somehow.
I mean, they're still in there, there's just no escape hatch.
My cock's not dropped off, Donna! Jesus! They can still get out, I just can't feel them.
Looking on the bright side, it means when I sit on my bollocks, I don't feel it.
I hope they don't burst.
There's medical procedures, needles and scalpels, ways of unleashing them.
Well, how romantic! "Daddy, where did I come from?" Well, son, Mr Doctor Man sucked you out of Daddy's balls with a needle.
Then dropped you into a turkey baster and fired you up your mum's chuff hole.
Ooh, the miracle of life! Anyway, you don't want kids.
Yes, I do! You don't want them.
You're just taking pity on me.
That's why we're here, isn't it? That's the point of being here.
I mean, the crazy world of barmaiding hasn't panned out for me, has it? I do want children.
Your children.
You nearly dying changed my mind for me.
I think if something good can come out of this, then, yeah, yeah, let's have kids.
I want kids for definite, for sure.
Really? Yes, fine.
Really, really? Yes.
Mine? Yes, Gaz.
Come here.
If I wasn't paralysed, I'd have an erection right now.
That's beautiful.
MACHINE BEEPS Yeah, I can put up with any of that.
I'll put up with anything.
Just Just give him back, will you? # Hey, mister bartender Give me a drink # I wanna cold wet glass With bubbles in it # And that doesn't mean I can't # Handle anything stronger now # Just think I'll wait a while # I'll have a pint of lager, please And a pack of flakies!