Will and Grace s04e08 Episode Script

Star-Spangled Banter

- Will! - Ah! Don't do that! You're like a gay Jack-in-the-box (Jack-in-the-box: ¹Ì±¹ÀÇ À¯¸íÇÑ ÆнºÆ®ÇªµåÁ¡) I'm up for the part of "Male Corpse on Slab.
" I don't know what that means but "wear a condom" seems like an appropriate response Ah! Wait! Hey, hey, hey I'm auditioning for "Six Feet Under.
" You know, that new show by the acclaimed screenwriter Alan Ball? Tehh ball (º¼Àº ¼Ó¾î·Î °íȯÀ» ÁöĪ) The corpse is like, in three scenes and it's the glue that holds the whole story together Well, for what it's worth I've seen you act and I feel totally confident that you have the emotional range to play a dead man Thank you Pssst! I'm enjoying your blouse today You know, Sarah Michelle Gellar is really smart I mean, at the beginning of this interview she's just talkin' about stuff like where she gets her highlights but then she starts in on foreign affairs and campaign finance reform I'm gonna say it She's a genius Let me see that Hmm Interesting Yeah.
See? these pages are stuck together You've been reading an interview with John McCain (Á¸ ¸ÆÄÉÀÎ : ¹Ì »ó¿øÀÇ¿ø) Here's the rest of Sarah Michelle "And even after all these years limos are way cool.
" Yeah.
I probably should've figured it out when she started talking about her time in a P.
camp Ooh, uh, before I forget I need you to write me a check There's this guy, Ted Bowers He's running for city council I really think we should support him Well, what do we know about him? He's gay - And? - And he's gay But what's he for? I mean, you know, where does he stand on the issues? What do you care? You thought Buffy was in a prisoner of war camp (¹öÇÇ : »ç ó ¹Ì¼Ð °Ö·¯ÀÇ ±Ø Áß À̸§) I'm just wondering what are his positions? I don't know I think he's a top Come on Write a check already You should support gay men Gay men support you How much? The limit's 500 Most people are giving, like, 250 Heh! Well, I am not most people "100.
" Give me a break I just gave 500 to the Paul Smith fabulous boot foundation Another important gay cause Àª & ±×·¹À̽º (Star-Spangled Banter) ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 Ŭ·´ Will & Grace ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Will & Grace Season 4 Once again, I find myself in the horns of a dilemma Once again, the appropriate response seems to be: "wear a condom.
" No Elliot and I were preparing a VIP guest list for the fanglamorous party I'm throwing when my episode airs You got the part? No, um, not yet But.
Watch this Wow I feel like I'm looking through the eyes of every one of your lovers Thank you Anyway, Elliot doesn't want me to invite Karen He doesn't like her Can you believe it? Kids today are so weird You know, when I was a kid we couldn't wait to hang out with the local insensitive drunk I run this by Karen, and it turns out she does not care for Elliot either Why? He's polite.
He's sweet.
He's kind I think I just answered my own question I mean, what am I supposed to do? What--? Ok, I know.
I know I got it.
I got it I'm gonna stage a phony robbery Yeah.
I'm gonna tie 'em back-to-back in chairs until they're forced to get along and I'm gonna wear a stocking on my head Taupe Or maybe eggplant Doesn't matter, doesn't matter It doesn't matter.
I can decide later That's the fun part Why don't you just sit them down and talk it out? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh That could work, although Where do the panty-hose come in? You can always just wear them under your slacks You are always one step ahead of me I hate that about you! And I love that about you! Hey, Mrs.
Friedman how are things on the eighth floor? I'm not talking to you, Grace Adler and you should be ashamed of yourself I swear, the elevator smelled like this before I got on I'm not talking about that I'm talking about your button I can't believe you're supporting that man Ted Bowers happens to be an excellent candidate Ptewey! Your candidate sucks my rain boots Hey, I like Ted Bowers and he's gay and I think it's high time we had gay representation on the city council especially in a society that still undervalues the rights of gay people Fine.
Do what you want Me, I'm voting for the Jewish woman There's a Jewish woman running? Rosario, where the hell are you? Get your rump into the rumpus room and get rid of all this junk Lady, I told you the doctor said I shouldn't lift anything I've pulled a muscle Oh, honey, I'm sorry I keep forgetting you're laid up Can I get you anything? Wellactually I could use a bowl of sou-- Hey, Kare what you doin' in the play room? Oh.
Hi, honey Since Stan's in the clink and the stepkids are spendin' most of their time with first wife I decided to turn it into something useful you know, like a laboratory or an Indian casino Oh, wow, you got an X-Box! Hey, hey, hey! Just because my husband's in prison does not mean you can talk dirty to me What the hell is he doin' here anyway? He is here because I cannot tolerate two of the most important people in my life not getting along Now, I will not have my family go the way of other showbiz families So the three of us are gonna stay in this room until you two can find a love for each other and nobody, but nobody is leaving until we get this done! Oh, my God! My corpse audition just got moved up! I gotta run Listen, you two work it out - Remember, find the love! - Hey! Wh--! Honey, I--! Uh So, listen, I need a check What for? Judy Green She's running for city council and I think we should support her But we're backing Ted Bowers Well, I found out a few things about him that makes me think I should support the other candidate Like what? Like he's running against a woman So? Who is she? What do we know about her? She's a woman - And? - And she's Jewish - And? - And she's a woman So what? What are her positions? I don't know.
She's Jewish She probably just lays there Come on Write the check! I am not gonna write you a check That would just cancel out the check you wrote me I know That's why I've already stopped payment on mine Now, come on Make it payable to "Judy Green for City Council.
" All right Is a zillion dollars enough? Come on! Women need a voice on the city council I mean, 50% of the population is women So, one could argue that They just don't know it yet Anyway, this is not about statistics This is about who has the better candidate Well, what makes you think that you have the better candidate? Grace, he's gay Well, mine's a woman and Jewish That makes two victims to your one Since when are you so Jewish anyway? You're about as Jewish as Melanie Griffith in A Stranger Among Us Well, you're about as gay as Tom Sellick in In and Out I am plenty gay When was the last time you had same-sex sex? I'm choosy! Ha! You're straight! Go watch a basketball game! Yeah? Well, you're barely a woman You pee standing up! Hey! There are a lot of diseases you can get from a toilet seat!! Our own?! Well, I never thought that I would hear this from you! - You hate women! - Well, you hate gays! - My room - Whatever - Hey - Hi I'm sorry I said some harsh things before You know, like "you're not a woman.
" My God, look at you you're all woman You're gorgeous you're hot, you're sexy When I look at you all I can think about is being with that Croatian guy from "ER.
" Aw, sweetie You know, I said some pretty harsh things, too You are plenty gay If you were any gayer you'd be Elton John's fanny pack You don't have to say that No, I mean it Well, if I implied that you're anything less than a big Jew, I'm sorry Thank you Let's just agree to disagree support our candidates and just not make a big thing of it Agreed I knew you'd feel that way Which is why I know you'll have no problem with me having a little Ted Bowers neighborhood fund-raiser here? Not at all In fact, I've already agreed to host a Judy Green fund-raiser here, too - Huh! - Huh When's yours? Tonight Change it No! Stop it! You stop! Ok, so I guess we're supposed to talk about what bugs us about each other Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Ok, I'll go first Hmm.
Kinda pushy for a 5-year-old, aren't ya? I'm 12 Huh.
So you lie about your age so that you can drink or? This is what it is about you you're weird You're a weird woman And you kinda look like the demon who guards the tomb in "Tomb Raider.
" Don't even try and flatter me, kid Ok, look, I'm not happy about this, either but Jack asked us to do it and he's important to both of us so I think we should at least try Ok, oh! This is what really bugs me about you the way you talk You're honest you've got no agenda you're not manipulative It's like you're talkin' in code! Ok, well, how do you want me to talk? Oh, honey, I don't care Just quit bein' such a goody two shoes - I am not a goody two shoes - Oh, yeah? Don't drink, don't smoke what do ya do? I am bad I'm bad news Come on, two shoes! You've never done a bad thing in your whole life Oh, yeah? Watch this - Pick that up! - Sorry Two shoes Ok, well, how about this? Sometimes when my mom's not home I make phoney phone calls They're rude and they inconvenience people What kind of phoney phone calls? Well, once I called a butcher and asked if he had pig's feet He said, "Yeah," and I said "Must be hard to find shoes.
" then I hung up Ahh You call that a phoney? Boy, have you got a lot to learn Watch this, midget Hello? Hello This is Nurse Bigrack from Dr.
La-bop-duh-duhp-boop-boop's office Got good news for ya It's time to start your physical therapy What? Why are you calling me so late? Well, with that kind of an attitude we're not gonna get anywhere Now, let's start with some neck rolls Neck rolls? The doctor said I should rest it Yeah? Well, he changed his mind Start rollin' Ah! Oh, that hurts Oh! Especially when I do it to the right Oh, dear, I couldn't hear what you just said but it's better if you do them all to the right Ow-wee! Ow-wee! Oh Ow-wee! Would you tell your people to stay away from the mini-quiches, ok? I made them for my people God, quiche for a gay fund-raiser could you be any more stereotypical? And, by the way, tell your people to stay away from my lox Would you look at that? One of your women just drifted over to the fireplace which we clearly agreed was my area since the gay's need soft light Grace, this is a lovely party I guess the belly lox was too expensive, huh? Still, people seem to be enjoying themselves I think we'll raise a lot of money here tonight Well, good I hope so You just hit everyone up It's the least that they can do And where's your check? Well, what do you mean? I'm throwing the party That's my contribution You know, there's an old Jewish expression-- "You're cheap and your husband's gay.
" Mr.
Zamir? - Mr.
Zamir?! - What? What?! Happy Birthday! Wait a minute You're supporting Ted Bowers? Sure.
Yes Yeah, but just a minute ago you were over on the Judy Green side Yes, but then they ran out of black-and-white cookies Who invited you, anyway? I'm here to complain about the noise - Hey, Ted - Hi, Judy Well, this is quite the coincidence - He wouldn't cancel - She wouldn't cancel Stop doing that You stop! Good evening, everybody A lot of candidates in this race wanna tell you that there's an easy solution to our city's problems Well, I'm here to tell you, there's not Was that not an applause line? 'Cause it felt like one For instance Homelessness Now, this is an awful, awful problem and one solution that I advocate is give them a hot meal Mm-hmm - Give them a shower - Uh-huh Put them on a bus and get them the hell out of our city A-- What? So, in conclusion women in the home force those foreigners to speak our language and if God didn't want some people to be poor, he'd give them money He is very good And now Let's hear from a real candidate Ladies and gentlemen, Judy Green Thank you, Grace Let me start by saying how gratifying it is to see so many white faces here tonight Goh! No, Marlo Why would I be kidding about that? Phil is my father And I wouldn't be calling you except that he stopped making his child-support payments and my mom can't raise me on just a stripper's salary You are so amusing You can't laugh because when you laugh, I laugh I'm sorry, honey It's just that there ain't nothin' I enjoy more than yankin' Phil Donahue's chain And by chain of course, I mean Marlo Ahh, I'm hungry Can I have something to eat? Oh, whoaho! Come on Now, how do we ask for something to eat? - Uh, where's the damn food?! - There's my boy Ok, go across the hall to Mason's bedroom Yeah, there's a cake carousel next to the pinball machine You know what? You're not so bad Yeah? Well, you're not so good Now, scram Hello? Hey, Rosie, how you holdin' up? Oh, the doctor wants me to do head rolls - Neck rolls - What?! Hi Where's Elliot? Oh, he went to get a snack So how was your audition for "Six Feet Under"? Terrible Why? What happened? You didn't get the part? No The casting assistant was gorgeous and as convincing as my performance was for Male Corpse on Slab there was one part of me that refused to play dead I see So you would have only been five and a half feet under Do not underestimate me! Hey, Jack, how'd the audition go? I think I got it Uh, so, let's pick up where we left off, ok? Now, my life is gonna be spent in front of cameras and I need my personal assistant and my manager to get along It's ok, Jack We're fine Really? She give you money? No Oh.
Ok, all right Whatever she gave you you're splittin' it with me in the cab Ok, come on let's go I promised your mom you'd be home - Come on.
Scoot it - Ok Hey, do you, uh, think I could come back some time and play with your X-Box? - Anytime, kid - Bye Oh! Well, would you look at that? This game is called an X-Box.
Well Remember when Election Day used to be fun? Passing out leaflets knocking on doors ripping our bell-bottoms and running from the fuzz? That wasn't us That was Linc and Julie from "The Mod Squad.
" Well, I've just pulled the lever for democracy Oh, and I also voted What are you two sad lovers doin'? Nothin' - So, did you vote? - We don't deserve to We just didn't think it was right to vote for someone without finding out what they stand for - Who'd you vote for?? - The black guy What?! There's a black guy?! Hello? Oh, hi, Pharmacist Oh.
Yeah I took 'em this morning Well Side-effects? Well, what do I do? Ok, yeah I'm standin' on one leg Yeah.
Yeah my finger's on my nose And I'm rubbin' my head Ok, well, how long do I have to do this? Yeah I'll hold Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!