Will and Grace s04e09 Episode Script

Oh, God Look at Martha Stewart Page? Wasn't it bad enough we had to see her in a bathtub? Now here she is in a pilgrim hat hockin' her farkakte holiday crap It's ridiculous - Makes me sick - I love her I wish I was her Maybe it's just Thanksgiving I hate You know the whole holiday family thing It just makes me so tense I swear if you put a piece of coal between my butt-cheeks today by Hanukkah, it'd be a diamond Oh, I doubt that I'm so glad we're doing our own Thanksgiving this year Best decision we ever made We are officially no longer owned by our families Hey, you know what? Let's catch our own turkey this year Great.
I'll meet you in the freezer section of the Gristede's with a big net Hello? Hello J.
P.
McFarph here - Who? - You like that? A little something I'm trying out I think it sounds more distinguished You know, like H.
R.
Pufnstuf Hang on Let me get off the other line Lawrence, I gotta go But I had some more gossip for you about Christopher Here's a hint he had something raised and something lowered - Hold, please - Holding - Hey - Hey Did you get my message about Thanksgiving at my place? Yeah, about that Um, I can't make it I'm spending Thanksgiving with the Chung-Poviches and the Gurley Browns They will get crazy if I try to back out on it What about in the real world? Oh, in the real world I'm available, yeah But you have to come with me to my stepfather's hotel He's in town for, like the first time in forever and he wants to meet Elliot No.
No, I don't want to go This is my anti-family year Please! My mom is making me If I don't go, she won't pay half my rent I pay half your rent Yeah, so does Karen Come on It's 30 minutes alone in a hotel room with a stranger God, I miss the eighties Oh.
Hang on Hello? - Hey - Hey You know you hung up on me before Yeah whatever Look, my mom didn't get the part she wanted in the Schenectady Women's Center production of Queen Lear She's really depressed so we have to make a quick stop at my Aunt Honey's in Brooklyn on Thanksgiving We? Grace if I wanted to be around depressed women I'd go to Connecticut and hang out with my mother and her sisters, the haters Please! If I go alone who am I gonna give my aren't-these-people-nuts look to? The nuts themselves? Hold on Grace Adler Designs Oh, honey change that blouse You work in an office not a pirate ship You can't even see me Oh, can't I? Turn around Made you look! Listen, I got your message about Thanksgiving and you can count me in Great The only thing is I need to make a quick stop at the prison I gotta bring Stan a couple of turkeys and a bib made of mashed potatoes - And I want you to come with - Oh, I can't I have to get dinner ready and then I have Oh, great That's fantastic Well, thanks ListenI'll just go to the prison alone then Where my husband is On Thanksgiving Alone Prison Husband Thanksgiving Alone Alone! Prison! Aren't you gonna say anything?! Hold on Hey, so will you go with me to Aunt Honey's? Ok, but then we're gonna have to stop by my family's, too - Why? - Because If my mom ever finds out that we did yours and not hers she'll--she'll summon a winter that'll last a thousand years Oops.
I got Jack.
Hold on Hey Do not leave me on hold that long! That might've been fine for Jack McFarland but J.
P.
McFarph will not take this guff! Ok, listen I'll go to your stepdad's with you if you go to my parents' house with me and Grace's Aunt Honey's house with her - Ok - Cool.
Hold on - Hey - Hey Ok, I'll go to Aunt Honey's with you if you'll go to my parents' with me and we have to stop by Jack's stepdad's with him Ok, you go to Aunt Honey's with me I go to your parents' with you and Jack's stepdad's with him And then we can go with Karen real quick to visit Stan in prison? - Why not? - Great - Hey - Ho I think we got it I'll go to prison with you if you go to my Aunt Honey's with me and Will's parents' with him and Jack's stepdad's with him and then we'll all come back and have a nice Thanksgiving dinner, ok? No - What? - I don't wanna - But-- I-- Then - Oh, ok - Great - Hey, ok I think we got it I'll see you later Right.
Jack, that'll be the plan See you later Yeah Talk to you later Mother, can you get the door? I'm on hold Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Moveable Feast(part1) ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 Ŭ·´ Will & Grace ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Grace, while I got it out want to start a family? You know what's funny about that? - What? - No, I'm asking - Happy Thanksgiving, people - Happy Thanksgiving oh, what smells so good? Well, I did a little something with the stuffing this year - This sort of aromatic - Oh, no.
Here it is Rosario, thanks for coming Look.
We're gonna be out all afternoon so it's really important you gotta baste the turkey like every 20 minutes or so You told me we were going to Tony Roma's and then to a late movie Oh, we're going to a movie Yeah, it's a dirty flick It's called Rosie Does Dishes Ok.
Let's get going and let's try to keep the eating to a minimum not spoil our appetites by gorging on everybody else's turkey and stuffing and pecan pie Why do you look at me when you say that? Who should I be looking at? Me Ok, I figure we each get one hour We'll set this timer and when it goes off We're out of there no matter what We do not respond to guilt shame, tears, or flattery Why do you look at me when you say that? Who should I be looking at? Me So, listen for the ding That loud, piercing high-pitched sound Why do you look at me when you say that? We respond only to the ding because only the ding will set us free Understand? Let's try it Well, this piece fell off already But if I get this knife this piece will come right off Ok.
Karen one hour I don't mean to rush you but if we're gonna get back in time for dinner we've all got to stick to the plan You gays and your discipline No wonder you all end up in the clergy Ok, Kar Let's go Oh, no.
That's ok, honey I'll go alone Besides, you're not really dressed for prison Too nice? Sure, let's go with that Happy Thanksgiving Mr.
Walker I brought you a turkey and if you look inside I hid a little surprise in there for you A chicken What's that, hon? You miss the kids? Ok.
Here they are Oh, you're welcome Mr.
Walker Come on.
What? Well, of course, Stanley You can talk to me about anything I hope you don't mind, Will I had some of your water I didn't have a water Not mine And Karen doesn't drink water Oh, my God! Rental-car-stranger water! Oh, my God! How do I know this was water? You know when boys go on road trips they don't make pee-stops They just use a water bottle Oh, my God! Grace, don't you think you would've noticed if you were drinking pee? There's still 40 minutes left on the timer What happened? Oh, we were done There's really not much left to say after your husband tells you he wants you to start sleeping with other people That's intense I did it again! He must be kidding What exactly did Stan say? He said he wasn't sure how long he was gonna be in there and it wasn't fair to ask me to wait for him He wants me to be sexually satisfied while he's in prison I don't know why He certainly didn't care while he was out Maybe it's.
.
It's not called cheating if you have permission Yeah, maybe it's just called fantastic Well, it doesn't matter Even if, at this very moment his cellmate is tattooing "Property of Javier" on Stan's fat wide ass with a hot ballpoint I'm a one-man woman! Woman? I think you mean "lady.
" Ok, listen We're getting close to Aunt Honey's so I need to brief you Whatever you do do not tell my mother that Nathan and I broke up You haven't told her? You see how I went up at the end, like I cared? Look, she always said that I was wasting my time with him and there's nothing she loves more than saying "I told you so.
" She's so obnoxious She even has a little told-you-so dance Grace, you have an I-told-you-so dance Yeah, well but mine's cute Everyone thinks so Who's everyone? Shouldn't you be looking for a parking space? The only good news is that my mother's still depressed about not getting that part in Queen Lear so there's a chance she won't sing Am I blue? Are these tears in my eyes tellin' you? We'll back out real slow-like I don't think we've been spotted - Look who it is! - Oh, hey! - My Gracala.
Come here - Aunt Honey! I have to kiss everybody twice like in France Hello, darling I'm very depressed We don't have to talk about it Ok Sorry we're late We had to walk a mile and a half from Will's parking space Uh, excuse me Will's kick-ass parking space Yeah.
On the corner of "Urine" and "Crime Spree.
" Ok, everyone These are my friends Jack, Karen You all know Will - Hello - Hi.
Oh, bonjour Ok.
Oh, wonderful Oh, I love the whole kitschy thing you got going on here What do you mean, kitschy? I meant Kitschy-kitschy-koo look at you Ok.
Introductions Uncle Sid, Aunt Reba Uncle Joe, Uncle Funny Acid reflux, I.
B.
S bursitis, phlebitis Julius! And this is Julius my mom's pianist Pianist Hello - Oh, uh, we've met - And so we meet again For the first time So, you're the boyfriend No, actually I'm not the boyfriend - He's the boyfriend - God, no! Where's the boyfriend? Yeah, where is the boyfriend, or as I like to call him "It'll end in tears.
" His name is Nathan, mom and he's with his own family How are you? Well, I guess for someone who's been kicked in the knockers by the business that I devoted my entire life to, I'm ok I'm ok I'm devastated Thanks for comin I saw that What are you taking? Give me one I got a really bad back I guess these things can be used for pain So, how'd you hurt your back? Runnin' away from good taste? You got some mouth on you It so happens that I strained it during a round of passionate lovemaking with my super, Mr.
Lopez I'm committing adultery and I had a cousin who was in a car accident When they opened him up can you guess what they found? A smaller cousin? What is that? How could they find a smaller cousin inside my cousin? I was really just I was just joking Why would you joke about such a thing? I'm telling you a story about my cousin who was in a car accident He's dead now, in fact Still funny Mr.
Jan Murray? So, this super How good are we talkin' here? Let's just say everything in the building is broken but I still call him "super.
" I mean, there's really nothing stopping me My husband did give me permission Well, my husband gave me permission, too Ever since he spent our entire nest egg on a Toyota MR2 I tell ya, Jackie It's a rough business and 70% is luck of the draw God, that's so depressing I mean, you want to believe that sexual favors play some part in it I'll never be happy again It's over for me I may not even audition for The Ice Person Cometh Hey, Bobbi.
Come on Cheer up No Huh? It's not that bad Smile a little bit Come on, at least Nathan dumped Grace What? Crap Oh, sweetheart I'm so sorry What? What just happened? What? How you must feel The pain Dumped by a bran flake What?! How do you! Jack Wait, Before you say anything let me just ask you this Sweetheart no.
Get away from me, ok? Oh, now, come on, now A woman needs to be with her mother at a time like this Mom, just stay where you are Julius, will you please help? no.
I never come between a woman and her mother I made that mistake with my first wife What? Oh, honey I know how awful it is that it didn't work out for the two of you and I'm afraid that I have to say No Don't say it Oh, well I think I have to say it No, mom I am really, really really vulnerable right now Well, maybe I don't have to say it - I'll just do the dance - No, mom.
please I told you so I told you, told you told you so You can't act! - What? - You stink! I just wish that I had said this to you before your audition so that I, too, could know the joy of saying "I told you so.
" Told you so Told ya, told ya, told ya so Gotta go.
Love you Call me tomorrow Have a good Thanksgiving It's the one thing I asked you not to do! The woman was depressed I felt it was my duty as a fellow thespian to turn her mask of tragedy into one of comedy I'm gonna hurt you Right now Hey! That's enough! It's over! Wait, Slow down I know it's right along here somewhere I can never remember which building is Elliot's Could it be that one he's standing in front of and waving? No, that's not it We might be on the wrong street - Oh,Hey, Elliot - Hey, Elliot Here My mom made you a pie Um, she's not a very good cook It started out a taco salad Hey Kid Ever cheated? once on an algebra quiz Did it feel good? I got a 90 Ok.
fasten your seat belts, folks You are about to meet my stepdad A man whose cruelty is exceeded only by his inability to love Well, that sucks I'm just sayin' he's like ice He's the meanest man alive Welcome! Welcome! I'm so thrilled to finally meet Jack's friends Hi, how are you? Good to see you Jackie! Father You're looking distant and shaming Ok So, you must be Elliot Nice to meet you Please Make yourselves at home I brought some food up I got some drinks there I'm just so glad you're all here As they say at my friend Sue Casa's house mi casa es su casa He barely knows Sue Casa Help yourselves Karen, want something to drink? No.
I'm thinking about cheating on Stan That means a double vodka So, Jack I got you a little something I wonder what this could be Your approval? No, doesn't feel heavy enough Ok.
So tell me, Elliot What do you do for a living? Uh, I go to seventh grade Oh, that's a good job You married? - Divorced - Me, too I'm divorced, too I guess nobody cares about that! Jack, it's the holidays Let's have a little fun around here Elliot.
Can I get you some juice? Oh, what is that supposed to be? some, like, weird dig at me? Like, juice? Like, fruit juice? Like, ooh, I'm gay? Oh.
Oh before I forget I didn't have time to wrap it but here I hope you like Football! He doesn't like it at all Yeah, I do I love football I'm on the team at school and my mom hates it Oh, hey, moms are supposed to hate it Jack wasn't a big fan of it either when he was growing up I gave him a ball once for his birthday and he put it in his shirt and told everyone he was pregnant with George Michael's baby