Will and Grace s04e11 Episode Script

Jingle Balls

Yeah, I'm tough Tough like yellow cashmere You're gonna have to change that Look We look like a Perry Como special Besides, this is a woman's scarf It is not! It's unisex Sweetie, that's what gay men always say when they want to wear women's clothing What difference does it make anyway? We're not going out together Yeah, uh-huh, we are Nuh-uh, we're not I've got plans I know, with your secret lover I'm coming with I don't have a secret lover Well, your secret day planner begs to differ -Give-- -Whoo-hoo! Ha ha! "Dinner with Robert Movie with Robert" I think you're seeing someone named Robert! Damn it! You cracked my secret code with disguising his real name with his real name Aha! So you admit he exists His name is Robert That's all you get Oh, come on Why the big mystery? What's wrong with him? Weird lip? Monkey eye? It's a new relationship It's very fragile It's like in 7th-grade science class, you know, when we had to grow that little bean in a cup? I don't know I was still trying to grow breasts You'd wait for it to sprout, then you bring it out into the light, and it would grow into a great big bean stalk? So what are you saying, Robert's a giant? He's freakishly tall? Are you having your stroke in installments? Then-- Then what are you embarrassed about? I'm not embarrassed! He's terrific We just want to get to know each otherbetter a little before we start meeting the friends Clubfoot? Little pee-pee? Hamster hands? Cut it out! You're not coming Oh, pooh on you How are you gonna know if you really like this guy if you don't introduce him to me? All right Oh, damn, didn't you lock the door? I'll check Yeah, we're ok Ooh, sorry I can't-- I don't know how-- Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Jingle Balls ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 Ŭ·´ Will & Grace ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Oh, come on, Grace Why can't we have an office Christmas party? Last year's was a disaster You got drunk, told me you loved me, and then kissed me in the service elevator I thought that was Valentine's Day No On Valentine's Day, you got drunk and felt me up in the swatch room Mmm Well I'm a sucker for the holidays Hey, Jack! Pshh-kuh! pshh-kuh! Pshh! I can't play with you guys right now My boss Dorleen is tipsy with crazy Cheese it! Here she comes Hi, Dorleen You look pretty You look gorgeous You look beautiful That dress is a total booby trap You can't borrow it Um, are they anybody, or are they just customers? Oh, these are customers This is Karen She's a rich-pricey-item type And this is Grace She's a one-good-basic- and-lots-of-crap type Hi I've just forgotten your namesand faces honey, you just gave me a great idea what to get Rosario for Christmas A new face Yeah I'm gonna call plastic surgeon and see if he can give her cat eyes Maybe she won't look so weird scratchin' to get in Heh heh heh heh! Isn't she great? No Ahh, nothing's great My window designer Simon threw a sissy fit and took off to Belize Ugh Gays They're just as bad as women Wait a minute You need a designer to do a Barney's Christmas window? That's like a dream job Let me handle this before you screw it up Dorleen, you may not know it, but at this very moment, you are standing in front of one of the best designers on the planet Oh, well Maybe top five Who is it? Well, isn't it obvious? Me What? Oh, what the hell? I'm desperate, and it's one of the smaller windows on the part of the sidewalk that smells like urine and pretzels You're hired Thank you, thank you, thank you so much Don't If this window isn't brill, I will go carnival-freak crazy on your ass I'm serious I will scratch your eyes out I can't believe this is happening Is this really happening? Somebody pinch me! Robert? Hey Oh, you weren't actually watching us rehearse, were you? 'Cause in that last section I did a rond-de-jambe when I meant to grand-jet? It was so embarrassing I know what you mean I once filet-mignoned when I should have steak-dianed Speaking of which, are you ready to go to lunch? Yeah Let's have something light, ok? Grace is cooking us pot roast tonight Ok, back up I know nothing of dinner with Grace You don't even know who Grace is, and you certainly don't want her pot roast It's like tire tread without the flavor Well, I called looking for you, she picked up and invited me over for dinner -Is that a problem? -Yes! Eh, uh, no It's just, like I thought we were doin' the bean thing, you know? We're growing it in a small cup? Yeah I never really understood what that was about I mean, God, what is it? Do I embarrass you? N-no No, of course you-- No Well, then, what's the big deal? You know what? There is no big deal You're right Come to dinner Lunch and dinner with you on the same day? Yay! Ooh, hey! Easy! Easy Here we are I'm designing a Barney's window Oh, Karen, I feel so artistic Gosh, I have so many ideas, I could just pee!! Oh, honey, you're a regular Leonardo You know, even with the extra LB's, he's still my favorite actor And I really think that this window is gonna be your Titanic Thank you, Karen So what can I do? How can I help? What are we drinking? Well I was thinking you could be my assistant A designer's assistant? Wow! Oh, honey, that-- That's something I've always dreamed of doing Now, hold on, Karen If you're gonna be my assistant, it's not gonna be all boozing and cruising Well, maybe just a little bit Maybe a little bit Little bit Just a little bit Just a little bit But you're also gonna have to coordinate, facilitate, schedulate, ovulate-- Ooh! Sounds like we've got a lot to do and not much time to do it in Say, why don't I help you by taking you to lunch at the Russian Tea Room? Genius Ok, before you get mad at me-- I'm not mad Of course you are I found out about your secret lover by reading your secret day planner I invited him over I ruined your favorite sweater when I wore it to the gym Not my black V-neck! Stay focused You're mad at me about Robert Go with it Grace, it's fine Once again, your inappropriateness has paved the way for a personal breakthrough So, really, why didn't you want me to meet Robert? Hunchback? Does he have fins? I guess I was just afraid of what you might think And then I thought, I like him, you're gonna like him And even if you don't like him, it doesn't matter 'cause I like him Good 'Cause I was starting to think that maybe you were embarrassed by him or something No What would I have to be embarrassed about? Hey, Will One second All I'm asking is that you don't judge I don't judge 'Cause the temptation will be to jump to conclusions Will, open the door Robert, this is Grace Sorry I'm doing The Nutcracker, and-- Oh! You're a dancer What the hell is that supposed to mean?! He bends over any farther, there'll be chestnuts roastin' on an open fire - What's he doing? - He's stretching, Grace What kind of a question is that? What does it look like he's doing? He looks like he's doing something that would render you unnecessary Oh, relax I like him Well, good I like him, too You like him I like him Everybody likes him Would you please knock off that stretching, Robert You're freaking Grace out Oh, sorry I didn't mean to make you guys uncomfortable You didn't If anything I'm jealous If I could do that, it would render a date unnecessary Oh! Ha ha ha! How embarrassing for you So I repeated the joke When you discovered "Hold me closer, Tony Danza," you rode that till the wheels fell off Grace, you look like you'd be a good dancer Oh Oh Heh heh! Oh, no I am not blessed with the dance Oh, come on What are you talking about? Everybody's a dancer Every movement we make is a dance We just have to find it Huh Oy Now, take a simple action, like clearing the table See? You can find the dance in everything, even clearing a dish Wow Well, maybe next you can find the dance in doing my laundry Oh ho ho! No one thinks you're funny You know, Will and I have a dance You do? - No, we don't - Yes, we do! Get your cute little butt over here, and let's show Grace the dance I taught you I really don't want to-- No, you have to I have to see it now Come on You're doing it, mister And five, six, seven, eight Ok, that's fine That's good We're done finding the dance We'll look in the morning when there's more light We may even find your sleeves - That was so-- - I said don't Ok Heh! Will, I gotta go I guess I'll see you later Grace, it was great to meet you It was so great meeting you, Robert I'll walk you out Ok You just couldn't help yourself, could you? What?! I already admitted I was a bad dancer! You had to pick him apart! You had to ruin it for me! What? What are you talking about? How did I ruin it? The minute he walked in the door, you were all like, "Oh, he's a dancer" He is a dancer I didn't know he was a dancer When I found out he was a dancer, I said, "Oh, you're a dancer" You didn't say, "Oh, you're a dancer" You said--you said, "Oh, you're a dancer" There's no difference Yes, there is! One of them is riddled with judgment And you know very well, the minute one of us judges the other person's new person, it's over It's a sick fact, but it's true "Oh, you're a dancer" "Oh, you're a dancer" I see no difference Every time I look at him, I'll see your face hovering above, going, "Oh, he's a dancer" He is a dancer Oh, wow! Now you are just throwing it in my face! Will, I liked him Maybe you're the one who has a problem with him Is that possible Hecter Projector? Don't you try turning this back on me when I am right in the middle of turning it on you You have never been more wrong, and to prove it to you, I'm going to keep seeing Robert I may even fall in love with him We'll move in together We'll have kids And through it all, Grace We will have the dance This better be important, Jack I was on the roof chain-smoking Ok, Dorleen, you know how you said you wanted something edgy? Well, hold on to your yellow teeth because here it is The theme to my Barney's Christmas window is Somebody's been naughty Dorleen, this is Santa's ho ho ho What? It's fabulous, right? Oh, wait! And for reindeer, we're gonna have eight little buff men in boxer briefs on all fours with antlers Can you see it? Can you see it? Do you bit! Do your bit, Karen I've been on Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer, on Vixen, on Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, but not on Blitzen He likes to watch, ok?! And that's just the beginning Tomorrow I'm holding a casting session for the three not-so-wise but very hot men Ok, I'm gonna stop talking now You go You better be kidding me with this crap This isn't a window for Barney's New York, New York This is a window for the Fairies-who-are-going-to- get-their-eyes-scratched-out Store! Now, you have 24 hours to get this right, or not only will I fire you, I will rehire you, pull your hair, and fire you again! Oh hey, honey Wow, I love your new bag It's garbage Thank God you said it Phew! Ok, listen to me I need you to do me a favor I, I need you to help Jack out with that window He's in a real pickle Jack wanted to do the job Let him do it Grace! It's Christmas, for goodness sake Think about the baby Jesus Up in that tower lettin' his hair down so that the three wise men can climb up and spin the dreidel and see if there's six more weeks of winter Think about that Where'd you get that from? The Bartender's Bible? Forget it All right, honey I can't change your mind, I can see that, but, uh, we're still friends, right? Come on Let's shake on it What is this? Karen, keep your money Jack's on his own What are the holidays comin' to when you can't even bribe a friend to help a friend who screwed that friend over? Santa, it's Jackie First of all, I just wanna say I'm sorry about the time when I was 11 and told Timmy Woods that you didn't exist I was just tryin' to make him cry so I could hug him But now I really need your help This Barney's window, it It's a disaster I guess I deserve it for screwin' my friend over But I'm really scared I'm gonna lose my job, so, Santa, if you help me, I promise I'll never ask for anything ever, ever, ever again, ever Amen Love Jack PS, um I know I just said that thing about never asking for anything ever, ever again, but, um, if you're feeling generous, I would like some leather pants, umhair extensions, and the ability to fly Heh heh! Ok, donkey boy, it's your turn Let's see your window Um, uh, you know, wouldn't it be better to keep it covered up for a while? I mean, very mysterioso, very curioso, very Rene Russo No But I need more time, please? Please?! Quit begging you're acting like a homeless person If you don't shut up, I'll throw my hot coffee on you, too Babs, open window five So, did Grace say anything about me? She liked you But you know what? It doesn't matter what she thinks 'cause I like you I'm glad Oh, my God! It's snowing! Oh! oh I love to catch the flakes on my tongue! They're like God's little appetizers Look how they flutter to the ground Andwe're breakin' up Ok, just so you know where I was coming from, I call this, "nothing for Christmas" I love it What? It's dark It's glam It's sad It's Christmas Mary-Kate and Ashley, it's beautiful Don't stroke yourself It's a real turnoff Nice You do good work, Jack Thank you Grace, oh, my God Oh I can't take credit for this We both know that this wasn't me I don't have the talent or the vision for something this good You think it's that good? It's magnificent Well, maybe the next time you'll be more willing to ask for some help I did ask for help No, you didn't Yes, I did I got down on my knees and everything I mean, I didn't even think there was a Santa, but Santa? You think Santa did this? Well, I don't know how else to explain it Do you? Nope Must be Santa Listen, do me a favor You're the only one who knows about this, so if anyone asks, just tell them I did it, ok? I promise Hey Hey! Where's Robert? He's gone He had to go Thought that might happen Looks like it's just you and me for Christmas this year Well, we could invite some friends over Grace, we can't sit around in our underwear and cry in front of friends Why not? We did last year That is one spectacular window, Grace Thanks Jack thinks Santa did it That's my boy