Will and Grace s04e12 Episode Script

Whoa, Nelly

So, Larry.
I have no problem with you borrowing this but you've just gotta understand it means a lot to me It belonged to my Aunt Tillie until she lost her sight That's so sad Not really That's why I was able to sneak it out of her house Anyway, a few ground rules Never wash it with soap You don't need it Don't use a steel brush on it It'll ruin the finish And by all means don't shove it up your butt! Mime that one, you big homo! There's a mirror right there! Well, come on It's not a heart valve It's a coffee urn You two argue like Joe and I do only you don't have to deal with your husband's hateful stares in bed afterwards Well, thanks again for this - Bye, guys - Enjoy your party Happy Moulin Rouge coming out on DVD Ok, fan out We got a lot of work to do - I'll hit the fridge - I'll hit the bedroom And I'll fashion a crude grappling hook and meet you atop the windmill What's going on? Oh, you're so nosy! Karen bought a horse and we're here to get some supplies Jack, look at this old rag I found to line the stall That is my bedspread Well, honey, I'm gonna wash it before I give it to the horse Oh, give me that! What are you doing buying a horse? What, you got sick of riding Rosario around the house? Oh, Grace, it's always been my dream to have a whole stable full of horses Oh, when did that start? After you took your first black beauty? (Black Beauty : ºí·¢ ºäƼ ó´Â ¸»ÀÌ µ· ¹Û¿¡ ¸ð¸£´Â Àΰ£µé¿¡ ÀÇÇؼ­ À̸®Àú¸® ÆÈ·Á³ª°¡´Â ³»¿ëÀÇ ¿µÈ­) Yes, it did And, you know it's a good investment, too Yeah, we're gonna put him out to stud and make some money Oh, lucky pony.
Look, here he is Oh~~~ he's got my eyes but Stan's girth and fetlocks Oh, my god, he's gorgeous! What's his name? Well, he's named after a sailor I shared a very special evening with during Fleet Week Don't you think "Hey You" is going to be a little confusing? His name is Lamar Well, maybe I could ride Lamar sometime Funny, that's just what Jack said to the sailor Àª & ±×·¹À̽º (Whoa, Nelly) ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 Ŭ·´ Will & Grace ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Hey, you're gonna think I'm crazy but there's a weird smell coming from the show tunes section Hmm, maybe somebody took The Wiz Is that your father's mistress? Tina? No, I don't think-- Yep, that's Tina Oh, I'm sorry I thought I had the receipt I don't We should really probably go over and say hello Why would I say hello to the biggest problem in my parents' marriage? Would you say hello to your-- your father's gassy stomach? Sure, why not? It always says hello to me Um, yeah, ok Well, I'll do what I can but they're gonna need to know the reason you're returning 'em That's easy As you may or may not know I'm having an affair The bastard broke my heart CDs were scratched Um, ok.
Hold on Let me go get the manager Tina? Oh, Grace.
Will Hi.
What a surprise - Are--are you ok? - Oh, yeah, I'm fine I just lost my receipt Oh! George and I were supposed to spend his birthday together and then he said his wife planned a little party for him so he had to stay home and have a little cake Meaning he couldn't come into the city for a little tart What am I even doing? If I had a brains at all I would just leave him And I swear-- I swear, if I could find the right person, I would, too Well, I have the perfect person - You do? - You do? Yeah Yeah he's--he's smart but not too smart Charming, but not too charming Rich, but not too rich - He sounds great - Mm-hmm But not too great God, maybe I should I mean, George is cheating on me with his wife Ok.
Let's do it I'll call you Oh! Aah! I found my receipt! Oh, maybe this is a sign.
Oh! Fixing up my dad's girlfriend Nice What's next, a cruise with the Korean woman my Uncle fathered a child with during the war? Don't you get it? If we can make Tina see that there are other guys out there for her then maybe she'll end the affair with your father for good You know, that's actually a good idea That could work You're a genius - Who's the guy? - No idea This is so exciting It's stud day! Hello, Lamar Ooh, look at your pony package Karen, it is impolite to stare Excuse me - What penis?! - There's nothing funny! Ok, then Time to see if this stud horse is worth what you paid for him Come on now, Lamar Now, Lamar, when you get out there take your time You're not in a hurry You don't care That's how I'd play it, at least Although I'd probably wear pants No, I wouldn't! Yes, I would! ("No, I wouldn't") Jackie, come here There goes my baby I'm feeling all maternal all of a sudden I-- I don't know what it is I'm so emotional It's like I have this overriding urge to-- Ooh, a salt lick! There must be margaritas nearby Hey, Lamar Ooh, you found one, huh? You like that one, do ya? All right, wel a little long in the tooth a little horse face but whatever wins the derby Wow And they're off.
Ha You go with that, Lamar! Yeah You get behind that fine equine! Whoo! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, look at that! She likey.
She likey she likey.
Yeah! - That's a he - What?! Great.
Ok, Tina we'll meet you there in half an hour Ok, Tina's all set She's excited, she's giggling Apparently there's a new bra We're good to go Just a matter of time before the affair is over and my dad can return to a life of quiet desperation with my mom Yay What? - My guy canceled - What?! Turns out his wife is in town You set her up with a married man?! That's what she's into! Tina is on her way to the restaurant If she's stood up it'll devastate her and she'll go running right back into the arms of my father Ok, this is not a disaster Think We must know someone else We'll just call some other cute guy and have him meet us at the restaurant Right Ok, this probably explains why we're both alone Yeah Damn it This is all your fault - Hi, Larry - Hi How could it be my fault? Hi, Larry Hi I don't know, it just is I'm just returning this It was great The party was a huge success although Joe pulled a muscle doing the can can He can't can't Well, what are we gonna do?! Cleaned it with a mixture of baking soda and lemon juice No water spots! - I guess we're gonna have to cancel - No, we are not canceling I'm way too into this idea We've gotta find a way to make this work I dried it on a cookie rack How are we gonna find a way to make this work? We don't have a date Well, we'll just have to find one In five minutes? How? Again, thanks for the urn If there's anything I can ever do for you, just let me know Uh-oh Tina, I'd like you to meet your date, Larry - Hello, Larry - Hello, handsome lady Lord, I've been all over this place Flies everywhere clumps of dirt carrots It's like we're inside Grace's hairdo I'll tell you what, honey The minute Lamar starts pumping out those ponies we're moving to a snazzier stable Yeah, Karen there's something I need to tell you You love Lamar, right? And you'd love him no matter what Why, of course I would Yeah, because Lamar is, um-- Lamar is-- Well, he's like me, Kare Not allowed to come within 100 feet of Kevin Bacon? No, um He's gay, Kare Our horse is gay He practices the love that dare not speak its naaaame Come on, honey, that's silly You think everything's gay First Canada, now Horse No, no.
Really Really, really, he is What do ya talk? It happens I once saw this thing on lesbian seagulls on Animal Planet Yeah, they had short feathers here and then real long feathers back here I think that's hysterical - I can't believe-- - I know Our stud's a dud I guess that makes you a nag hag - Ahh - Whew - Get rid of him - What?! Sell him Give him away - Send him to the glue factory - Wait But-- But we love him Yeah? Well, now a million kindergarten kids with elbow macaroni and glitter can love him, too So, Larry, tell me do you have any hobbies? I like to needlepoint Really? Well, not many men do that Well, he only does that to--to loosen up during a macho game of baseball Tell her, Will Uh, yeah Good setup Uh, when-- When Larry was pitching for the baseball team in college Uh, yeah.
, you know, he spent so much time in that-- That little area What's it called, Larry? Where do the pitchers go? In the China hutch? (¿ª ÁÖ; pitcher : Åõ¼ö or ÁÖÀüÀÚ) Will you excuse me for a minute? One too many Kir Royales (Kir Royales: ĬÅ×ÀÏ À̸§) I've got a bladder the size of an acorn It sounds funny but it's actually a condition I'm in a textbook Excuse me God, you're bad! Don't you know when not-- not-- not to bring up needlepoint when you're on a date with a woman?! No, I don't, Will I've never been on a date with a woman before I don't know what I'm doing Ok, ok.
Well what did you do to win Joe over? Well, I made him a beautiful accent pillow using a combination of the classic continental and brick stitch Oh, we're screwed - Ok, this will not work - Yes, it will It has to work Larry, listen, we gotta make Tina feel confident She has to see that there's other viable men out there Well-- But I don't know how to be romantic with a woman I got it Treat her like she's your mother What kind of sick stereotype is that?! Why would you even suggest that? - Think about you and your mother - Treat her like she's your mother I'm only cutting half of this for you so you can take the other half home It'll make a nice sandwich tomorrow Oh, jeez Larry, you know, you really oughta hit the bathroom you know, before that stain sets - What stain? - That one there Oh, my god! How did I do that? I'll be right back Do not let her order another glass of wine Where did you find this guy? I know Look, we gotta be honest with you, Tina Larry was not the person that we were gonna set you up with Um The thing about Larry is that he's-- Wonderful! What? He notices everything about me He's completely honest He's sensitive, he needlepoints I love him! And he loves you, too Ok, there he is, Trainer Now go make him pretty for the auction block - I'll go get the trailer - Ok Don't do this, Karen He may be gay but he's still our horse Nothing has changed Everything's changed What about my dream about a barn full of grandponies? Come on This is all your fault You spoiled him the way you doted on him constantly brushing him French-braiding his tail putting clear polish on his hooves All I did was love him! Go find Trainer and get him out of here! I can't even look at him We gotta dump this pony before there's a pictureof him in The Enquirer having drinks with Liza Fine! I'll go get his luggage and his clogs Come on Don't look at me like that It's nothing personal it's just you're not what I signed on for Ooh, soft Like washable suede My mind's already made up so you just might as-- Come on Noticing my couture Just like my little Jackie Oh, my god! Honey, you're right This scarf doesn't go with this outfit at all What was I thinking?? Now, he needs to be brushed twice a day and he likes most music except Charlotte Church (Charlotte Church : 1998³â 12»ìÀÇ ³ªÀÌ·Î µ¥ºßÇÑ ¿µ±¹ÀÇ ÃµÀç ¿©°¡¼ö) He senses she's been deprived of a childhood by her fame-hungry parents Or I'll sell him to the highest bidder Let's go, Lamar Whoa, cowdaddy I've changed my mind Wh-what are you saying? I can't do it, Jack I can't get rid of him I don't care who he sleeps with He's my boy, and I love him I love him I love my big, gay horse! I want to go home Why, yes, Larry I'd love to show you my orchids They're out here on the balcony Actually, they thrive in winter - Wow, you and Larry - I know.
Me and Larry Ohh Being out with him tonight has certainly opened my eyes to the kind of men that are out there That's our Larry You know, he's secure he's confident One might even call him a man's man I mean, he is so gentle and attentive Yeah You probably couldn't say that about my dad, huh? I don't want to talk abt your father tonight It's just gonna get me angry at him Go on, get angry I mean, right now he's probably in bed with his lawfully wedded wife Larry Larry, look at me You borrowed the coffee urn You owe us But when does it end? One more hour and then you're done Is that too much to ask to save Will's parents' marriage? - Well-- - Come on there's a pound of coffee in it for you And some really good yarn I'm listening Not only that your father's moody One minute he's-- he's soft and sweet to me and the next it's all cold and clipped "Gotta get goin'.
" I wouldn't put up with it Do yourself a favor cut the guy loose I should He's inconsiderate he's cheap, and he's weak Ok And he can be so cruel I mean a real son of a bitch Now, wait a minute Well, what would you call someone who is incapable of love? - He is not - He is! He'll say whatever you want to hear just so he can get what he wants He doesn't care who gets hurt because he doesn't love anyone but himself! Whoa, whoa, whoa Ok, stop No, he--he may be some of those things some of the time but let me tell you my dad-- When I was little and I got sick he would sit by my bedside the entire night to make sure the washcloth on my forehead stayed cool He got up every morning at 5:30 just to have juice with me before I went on my paper route And at 19 when I told dad I was gay he-- Well, he drove into a telephone pole, but That night he hugged me and said "you're my son.
" That's all I know The man may have his faults but not being able to love isn't one of them You're right, Will George Truman is magnificent What? Uh--uh-- But remember, he's mean Go ahead Tina? Could I interest you in a moonlight walk and then perhaps a nightcap? Oh, oh, Larry that's so sweet but I'm in love with another man Oh, thank God So am I I'll call you later to let you know that I got home safely He is lovely I can't put my finger on it but he seems more like your type, Grace