Will and Grace s04e13 Episode Script

Grace in the Hole

I know prison's supposed to be a deterrent but does it have to be such a downer? - It's so gross and scary - Oh, that reminds me Those Whitney Houston tickets go on sale tomorrow morning Hi Sorry I'm late My underwire kept setting off the metal detector Where's Karen? Oh, she couldn't make it She said, um, she had, uh how did she put it? Something better to do I can't believe it We're here to visit her husband and she can't show up? I've got better things to do, too! Like what? What do you have to do? I--I was gonna experiment with-- with parting my hair differently Well, might as well play with it while you got it, heh Grace? Grace Adler? Oh, my God! Glenn! Hi! What are you doing here? Oh, I'm just visitin' with a friend of mine who's been havin' a hard time Hey-- Hey, guys this is-- This is Glenn Gabriel - We went to high school together - Well, no.
You went to high school I experimented with my father's antidepressants and played in a band That's right You guys were terrific What were you called again? - Suspicious Mole - Suspicious Mole.
That's right Your concerts were hairy Mr.
Walker will see you now Hey Who else you got? Robert Downey in there? (·Î¹öÆ® ´Ù¿ì´Ï: ¸ ¾à ÇøÀǷΠüÆ÷µÈ ÀûÀÌ ÀÖ´Â ¿µÈ­¹è¿ì) Jack, this isn't like the pound where you can take home the one that wags his tail at you Or some gay bar where you can take home the one that wags his tail at you Um You guys-- You guys go ahead I had such a crush on this guy in high school Blot Not on-- Ugh So, what have-- What have you been up to? Kids? married? Do you ever see anyone from high school? Married? No, I'm still single You look Jeez, you look great No wonder you never went out with me in high school What? No I-I-I think it was you who never went out with me I-- I totally had a crush on you I had--I had a crush on you Oh, yeah Yeah, when we sang that Toto song "Rosanna" I was really singin' about you "Meet you all the way Grace Adler, yeah.
" Totally Really? Wow You know what? Let's have coffee sometime When are you free? Ok, this room is now closed Inmates follow me Uh, in about five to ten I'll call ya Àª & ±×·¹À̽º (Grace In the Hole) ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 Ŭ·´ Will & Grace ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Meet you all the way Grace Adler, yeah Well, I had an awful day I told you those briefs look good but they bunch up It's not that Well, it's not just that I've represented Pace Construction for eight years Now they're getting sued It's going to trial and Doucette takes it away from me 'cause I'm "not a litigator.
" Where does he get off? Just 'cause I don't do it that much doesn't mean I can't litigate I can litigate my ass off How do they do that in movies? Where are you going? You got a date? Kinda When is he gonna pick you up? In about five to ten years Oh, Grace You're dating a convict? Does it come to this? He's not a convict He is just some guy who did some white collar real estate thing and needs to be behind bars for a little while until he learns his lesson Hey, he wouldn't happen to have a brother who's not gay but likes to have sex with men, does he? Come on In high school he was so weird and cool He was in a Jewish gang What is that, exactly? They drive by and slash your credit rating? Was he a-- Was he a blood-berg or a crip-stein? I'm telling you, Will there was something about him He wore a cape and drove a Vespa And he always had the prettiest girl riding on the back I so wanted to be that girl But, Grace dating a prisoner? My God You're like one of those women in a polka-dot dress and a floppy hat that bakes brownies for serial killers I like him He's nice, and there is nothing weird about what I'm doing Here she is Where the hell have you been? We've been upstairs for half an hour waitin' for you to turn on the TV Yeah, Rosario Thanks to you we missed our show What if Martha Stewart was nice today? You two are like "dumb and drunker.
" Don't you love our Ro-Ro? Let's tickle her! Dog-pile on, Rosie! No, no, no don't tickle me No, please, I have to finish this sweater for Mr.
Stan so you can take it to him tomorrow when you visit him I'm not goin' tomorrow But he's expecting you at 10:00 Yeah, well, I've got other plans I'll be in the observatory watching Woody Allen get it on with his daughter-wife How can you be so heartless? Mr.
Stan, he suffers in prison You haven't been to visit him in weeks Oh, please The only one who suffers is the guy in the bunk underneath his waking up every morning with a mouthful of mattress 'Cause he's so fat If I've learned anything from the Dalai Lama by way of Richard Gere It's that suffering is a state of mind quite like heterosexuality or the Midwest You schmucks couldn't last three nights in prison Take away your freedom hell, take away your panty-hose you'd be crying like a baby Hey, that happened once and how dare you reveal secrets from our marriage bed? In fact, you wouldn't last three nights in this room Well, neither could you Lady, I live in this room Oh Well, all I'm saying is I can do it Easy Really? Care to make it interesting? What are you suggesting? Are you asking me to take my top off? Slow down, Gypsy Rose Lush What I'm talking is three nights in this room and if either one of you leave before your time is up you have to visit Mr.
Stan every day for a month All right but if we win you have to give me a weekend at the country house and let me hunt you We lost our fox - Deal - Hmm Wait a minute, wait a minute wait a minute, wait a minute Wait a minute Wait a minute How did I become a part of this? What's in it for me? Well, as my cell mate you'd be my bitch You'd be subject to being molested at any time, day or night Whee! Let's start now! Ok, you guys Three days, starting now Good luck, meat This morning I was lookin' out my window and a single bird just flew across the sky I just started cryin' You know, the same thing happened to me this morning when I saw a single gray hair - Rugulah? - Thanks It was so sweet of you to make these for me I had to call my mother for the recipe and tell her they were for a prisoner I've been seeing I think she was more surprised I was baking And-- And you're funny I mean, you're funny and you're beautiful I just can't believe some guy hasn't snapped you up What, are they all idiots? You know what, Glenn? A lot of them are Sorry, little fella There's another spider in there to keep you company Hey, how was your visit with the felon? Did you give his shawshank a redemption? Did you rock his jailhouse? Did you give him the cool hand luke? You know, these are all good You pick your favorite You can make fun all you want but Glenn is a really great guy He's interesting He writes poetry and he has an appeal coming up and he's, uh, studying law so that he can represent himself Well, that's crazy He can't represent himself He's gotta have a real lawyer Oh, good, so you'll do it? He's expecting your call Wait! Wait! Whoa-- whoa--Whoa--whoa! Whoa! What?! I'm doing you a favor You were just complaining about how you never get to go into court Now here's your chance Well, I just said that 'cause I was mad They might be right I might not be any good What? Remember moot court in law school? You were amazing You gave that stirring argument about freedom of speech while in the background you played George Michael's song "Freedom?" Huh? Wasn't that great? - I was pretty good - Huh? And it would be cool to get back into a courtroom You know, I get-- I get a pair of those half-glasses like Paul Newman in the verdict You know, and part my hair on the-- on the dangerous side There you go You know what? You're right Will Truman can litigate Don't tell Will Truman he can't litigate 'cause you know what happens? Will Truman turns around and litigates, sucka! Oh, Kar I heart prison Oh, me, too Honey, I don't know what Stan's been complaining about I mean, what's so great about the outside world anyway? Just a bunch of people with their dumb dreams and even dumber kids Yeah, I know Ok, meat, time for lockdown Count off - One! - Two! Good night Oh, wait, wait, Rosario I need my nightcap Your what? My nightcap! Gin on the rocks and I want the rocks made out of pills And while you're out there could you crank up the bubbles in the tub? I want a jacuzzi with a happy ending Mmm Are you kidding me with this? Do you think Mr.
Stan gets his evening hoagie before he goes to bed? Forget it No nightcap? No happy ending? This is worse than prison This is high school They're just cookies I made them for Glenn Glenn Gabriel We're--we're kinda going out Well, actually, I go out He mostly stays in First time I heard that one - Really? - No I'm so glad you like the bundt cake Sheila, you're-- you're so good to me You know, I'm in the prison rock band and whenever we do the Toto song "Rosanna," I'm really singin' about you "Meet you all the way Sheila Slovinski, yeah.
" - No, I can't take it when you do that! - You're the one who made a mess of it! Well, I'm just trying to get through this! What are you talking about? You've all but given up! We need to work together here! Oh! Shh! Fine! Let's just try it again! Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum Mr.
Sandman bring me a dream-- Bum-bum-bum-bum Make him the cutest boy that I've ever seen-- Bum-bum-bum-bum Give him a lonely heart like Pagliacci and lots of wavy hair like Liberace Mr.
Sandman bring me a dream-- Karen! Make him the cutest boy that I've ever seen Please turn on your magic beam-- Karen! Cut it out! This is a duet We are a team There is no "I" in singing Oh, yeah? Say that again and I'll get a bar of soap carve it into a drink and throw it in your face I can't take it anymore - I am out of here! - What? Sure It was fun this morning in the shower when you punched me in the windpipe and took my candy cigarettes But now I want out No! You open that door and we lose this bet and I am not gonna lose! Why? What are you so afraid of? So you have to go see Stan What's the big deal? I don't like to go see him All right, fine From the top Bum-bum-bum-bum bum-bum-bum-bum Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum Mr.
Sandman bring me a dream-- Bum, bum, bum, bum - I hate men - Good, more for me You know, I'm goin' through some of Glenn's files His-- His last lawyer really messed up Some of the state's evidence was obtained improperly It should never have been admitted Without that, they have no case What's up? Glenn and I are through Oh, Grace You were dumped by a prisoner I was not dumped It turns out he was two-timing me - That's awful - Thank you How could someone in prison get two dates? I can't even get one Oh, this is all so embarrassing He seemed so honest and straightforward in the holding room Well Hopefully the next guy you meet will work a regular nine to five instead of serving five to ten Funny Maybe he'll have gone to Penn State instead of the state pen One more Maybe you two will live in a big house instead of the big house - And you're done - Ok, I--I warn you I may have one more in the morning Something about "behind bars" and "in bars.
" I'm still workin' on it I'm sorry you're not gonna be able to try your case but don't worry You'll get another chance I'm still trying the case What? I'm his lawyer, Grace I made a commitment But he was mean to me Grace, if-if everyone who was mean to you was put in jail the prisons will be full of every guy you ever dated the girl that shushed you at the Nutcracker and the counter lady at Zabar's She leans on the whitefish when she weighs it I know it I pay extra for that fat ass thumb Grace, I never get to go to court This is my chance to prove myself Look, I--I got the Paul Newman half-glasses and I got three great Tom Cruise moves I got from The Firm I got, uh from A Few Good Men and just in case I need it, from uh, from Jerry Maguire, I got "Fine!" Well, why can't some other lawyer do this? Grace, I can't drop out now, ok? I'm not that kind of man I'm an ethical man A man of conviction A man of courage Besides, the judge already gave me permission to videotape it for my mom Wow.
I have seen a lot of Cher concerts What's that? What? In your mouth You're chewin' somethin' What is it? - Nothing - Liar! It's a Smint! Give it to me! - No! - Give it to me! Karen, get a hold of yourself! Oh, I can't take it anymore! I feel like an animal caught in a trap! Oh, now I miss my coats, damn it I do not heart prison anymore Oh, honey, neither do I Well At least we only have two hours left - Rosario! - No, Karen, what are you doing? We could still win Honey, I don't wanna win anymore If it's this bad for us, think about what it must like for Stan I gotta go see him Rosario, get in here! What is it, meat? Hmm.
Meat I may keep that name on the outside It's over You win Aha, I knew you couldn't make it You may talk tough but you're soft like a noodle So you can forget about hunting me like a fox Yeah, yeah Big loss You spook the horses anyway Get outta here.
Go on Get outta here I'm gonna go see Stan Ah, Karen Beneath those big breasts beats a heart as big as those breasts Do you want me to come with you? No, honey Like lovemaking this is something best done by myself Good afternoon In the matter of The State v.
Gabriel what we'll attempt to prove today is that the evidence against my client was illegally obtained Now I refer you to the documents that will hereafter be known as Exhibit A I'll review these in my chambers Fine! I wanna thank you so much for getting me off I couldn't have done it without you Well, it was-- it was a thrill for me I--I enjoyed doing it but now that I'm not your lawyer if you come within five feet of Grace so help me, God, you'll be singing "Rosanna" through a tube Ok Hey You were pretty amazing up there You saw me? Peeked in You were a regular Oliver Wendell Homo (¿Ã¸®¹ö À¢µ¨ ȨÁî : ¹Ì±¹ÀÇ ½ÃÀÎ) Funny F.
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½É½¼ÀÇ º¯È£»ç) That's his real name It still works