Will and Grace s04e14 Episode Script

Dyeing is Easy, Comedy is Hard

Hey when did you start reading a tennis magazine? Since I realized the men wear shorts even in winter When did I become that guy? Barney's was crazy Ok, what would you do if there was only one size four cashmere camisole and this woman starts crying and says she needs it to wear to a funeral? You'd have to give it to her, right? Yeah Good I think I'll use that one again So, are you packed? We have to leave in like 45 minutes For what? Danny's wedding It's this weekend What, you were serious about that? Of course! Why wouldn't I be? Because why would you want to go to your ex-fiance wedding? You didn't show up when you were the bride, why show up now? I have to, I was invited If I don't go, it'll seem like I'm devastated because he's getting married before me - Which you are - Which I am but if I go as the sexy, independent carefree, ex-girlfriend in the fabulous cashmere camisole that makes me look booby and rich, then I win So this is just some sort of petty game to show up someone you don't even really care about anyway? Yeah! Then I'm on board Hey, what's new? Oh, really? that's good, that's great you guys work hard you deserve it What's new with me? Not too much Looking good, smelling good If I weren't so busy I'd date myself! Ok, I've read about this You're never supposed to wake them What's new with my son Elliot, you ask? Oh, boy! Hey, how you doing? I'll call you, or not Wow, Elliot, the hair It's--it's very Nice day for a white wedding Well, I think it's cool Chicks seem to like it Do you like it? - I think it's very-- - No, no, no if you want to know about gay stuff, ask Grace If you want to know about girl stuff, ask Will What do you think? Àª & ±×·¹À̽º (Dyeing is Easy, Comedy is Hard) ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 Ŭ·´ Will & Grace ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Grace, I gotta say this feels a little weird Are you sure we're even invited to the rehearsal dinner? Well, we weren't not invited Mix in Gracie! Hey, you're here I wasn't sure you'd come Hi Well, I was the runaway bride I didn't want to be the runaway guest I'm so fine with this And Will I should've guessed you'd be the "plus one.
" Well, that's me Always a "plus one," never a bride Oh, speaking of which I want you guys to meet someone - Honey? - Uh-huh? Sweetie, this is Grace and her friend Will Guys, this is Sarah Oh, Grace the decorator, right? Yeah, I saw that piece on you in that Architectural Digest thing - You're kind of famous - Oh, heh heh! Let's not forget House & Garden And World of Interiors But who's keeping track? And what do you do, Will? - I'm a lawyer - Oh, I'm sorry - Well, uh, see you guys - Yeah, bye! God, I hate when people do that The hear the word "lawyer," and they just shut down It's like they stop listening at that moment I'm prettier, right? No, no, I'm staying at Will and Grace's Yeah, they're gone all weekend, mm-hmm I don't know I think they're on their honeymoon Ok, hate you call me later, bye-bye Knock-knock Anybody homo? I am, I am! So, listen, Jackie Stan and I had this tropical getaway planned for next week but seeing as how he's in the prison warding off French kisses from a 500-pound fella named Tiny I've got an extra ticket! Jamaica! Oh, my-- Ooh look at that hot cabana boy His sarong is so wrong (sarong : ¸»·¹ÀÌ »ç ÷µéÀÌ Ç㸮¿¡ °¨´Â õ) Oh, it's heaven, honey They pick you up at the airport and whisk you away in a covered limo You never once have to look at a local it's good - Oh, wait, I can't go - Wh--?! Thursday is career day at Elliot's school and I only have a week to figure out what I do I'm thinking Hugh Jackman's body double or Secretary of State Oh, kids ruin everything! I mean, look at the stitching on this thing, huh? You cannot trust a ten-year-old to do a good hidden button Oh, come on, Jackie Come to the islands, mon No, I can't! Stop it! I promised his mother I'd be there It's Bonnie, open up Oh, that's her, ok She really counts on me you know, looks up to me in a way And why wouldn't she? She's shorter Jack McFarland I'm gonna kick your sorry ass Come on, grab a chair, let's sit down We gonna have some toasts First, we're gonna start with Sarah's college roommate Everybody Beth When Sarah and I were freshmen at SUNY Potsdam-- - Whoo! - Whoo! We realized that we share two things A love of the poetry of Emily Dickinson and a love of Chocolate! It wasn't until So this guy who rear-ends me he's got some ass-faced lawyer Before I know it I'm paying his medical bills Oh, hi, I'm Holly this is wayne I'm manic-depressive and he raises dogs Nice to meet you Uh, I'm Grace I'm an interior designer and this is my friend Will - He's a-- - Professional tennis player Ok, Sarah's gotten hers Now let's get somebody up here to give Danny a hard time Hey, where's his ex-girlfriend? Grace, are you here? Oh, um, no I didn't prepare anything Um, just, uh, good luck Aw, come on, Grace No one expects you to be funny Just-- Just wing it Yeah, come on, you're the ex Tell us - feel bad about giving this one up? - Oh, God, no! No, no, I mean, he's-- he's a great guy but, come on, I've always thought about having a child but not as a husband I'm not saying he's immature but, um, do most guys need to get a treat when they flush? But, uh, to give him a little credit I do remember our first Valentine's Day He gave me the greatest gift and it only took six to eight weeks to get rid of it I mean, what the hell were you thinkin'? I come home from a double shift and I find "Jonny Quest" in my kitchen eating a baloney sandwich Hey, how about a thank you for taking your kid from bland to blond, huh? Hmm, let's see Squeaky, rude, drunk You must be Karen Oh, sweet! He faxed you my bio Listen, I don't mind Elliot hanging around with you, Jack but when he comes home with the gay haircut looking all downtown weird-- A-pa-ka-buku-shiki! At least his hair says something now It says "Pow! Bam!" Hey, hey, hey, come on Before the hairpins start flying maybe I can help Now Roger, is it? Bonnie Oh, pretty Listen, Bonnie I've got this maid Rosario been with me forever Now, I have had her stomach stapled her teeth fixed her hair dyed, she's been de-moled de-clawed, deloused-- What's your point? Ohh, my point is I think I may have broken your spirit How would like to come work for me, ok? Come on! You know, if there were any justice in the world there'd be an alligator somewhere carrying you as a hand bag I like that Look, Jack, bottom line, ok? I'm his mother I make the rules Well, here's a bottom line for your bottom line I'm his father and I get to make up some of the rules, too This is a big news flash for you You're not his father I'm his father, and his mother and until he was eight years old I was Santa freakin' Claus, all right? You got no rights, Jack You're just a test tube that I picked up before they threw it away I'm sick of it I don't want you seeing my son anymore You know maybe there is an alligator running around somewhere with me as a handbag I mean, who knows what they do with my old skin.
Surprised to see you in a suit, Will I thought you'd be wearing your tennis skirt No one thinks you're funny Hey, you were funny last night Everybody's still talking about it Oh, please this weekend's not about me Everyone, you said? It's all working-- The hair the clothes, the smile, the vibe The row of poppy seeds in your teeth from the bagel you had this morning What? Aw, crap Excuse me you're the tennis player, right? Oh, well, actually I-- Yes, I am - Hey - Hey What are you doing here? I'm just trying to get away from Danny's mother Oh, yeah Or as I like to call her "What the hell are you doing in my apartment?" You know, I probably-- I probably should've said this before Uh, but, um-- Um I'm really glad I'm here You know, I didn't know about it at first because, you know my whole history with Danny but, um, you know just seeing the two of you Seeing how happy you are It just It feels like Do you need some floss or something? No, no, I think I can-- Just give me one more I got it, got it! Well, I am really glad that you came here, too Really? Thank you Yeah, I mean, that speech you gave last night? - It was good, right? - Yeah I mean, I mean, I did some stand-up in college so what was your favorite part? All of it I mean you, you really have Danny nailed You know, how he's immature and how he's irresponsible and it's just really got me thinking-- Well, you know a good comic will do that You now, just get to the truth, you know Yeah, I'm calling off the wedding What? Ok, when did I eat pineapple? The toughest person I ever played Myself Yeah, when I'm on that court the only person that can beat me is me Did you ever play Steve Turner? Steve? I don't-- I don't know if I played Steve Probably Well, maybe he'll remember You know he's here, right? Come on, Sarah open the door You want to marry Danny You have to marry Danny Why? You didn't? Hide me Everybody's about to find out I'm not a professional tennis player Big deal Because of my speech Sarah's decided not to marry Danny So what, your stand-up's now so bad it's breaking up marriages? Why don't you keep your opinion to yourself, Venus? Now get out of here I gotta convince her to marry him Ok, is there a window in here? Does it smell like there's a window in here? Oh, now, Grace-- There you are silly, he's here Steve! Yeah, you know what? You know when I said I was a professional tennis player that was because You know how you throw the word "professional" around like like Heather Graham is a "professional" actress? Steve, this is Will He's a professional tennis player, too Well, I was-- Sure Will From the Davis Cup Yeah!?Yeah, Steve, isn't it? From the Davis Cup? Yeah Yeah, good to see you again Davis Cup When you coming home, son? I don't know when but we won't get together then, Dad You know we won't have a good time then Hey, honey I think I've got something that'll make you feel better No, no, Karen No more sailors who think they're coming over for their physical Oh, boy Hey, how you doing? I'll call you, or not Oh, my God, you're back! How did you get his mom to agree to this? I didn't I've been kidnapped Whoops! Come on, Sarah you're about to make the most amazing commitment The only thing I've committed to lately is buying seven more CDs over the next 12 months and even that's giving me a stomachache Yeah, but all that stuff you said about Danny is true He's childish he's immature, he's-- I know, but he's a lot of other things, too He's a good guy He's a really good guy Yes, he may not go too deep into things But maybe that's ok because he let's me be the crazy one We can be in this huge crowd and he makes me feel like I am the only one there And there was this one time where I cut my hair really short I looked like the guy in Simply Red And I feltso bad And he came home and he said "I don't care You look beautiful, no matter what.
" That was so sweet Daytime TV sucks Uh, what's going on? Why aren't you at school why you with him and why haven't you turned into a bat? I had nothing to do with this Elliot, Karen, I believe you have something you want to say to Bonnie Um, I got out of school early and went over to Jack's Elliot, how? I signed him out I'm sorry, young lady you're gonna have to speak up I signed him out! You kidnapped my kid? It was his idea! You drove! Yeah, well, you're the one who wanted to see Jack! Well, you're the one who bribed the attendance lady! - Nya-nya-nya! - Nya-nya-nya! All right, stop it stop it, both of you! Karen, so help me God I am two seconds away from not giving you a spanking Elliot, what were you thinking? I wanted to see him I missed him, mom Go to your room Not you, him! Go Good, that kid is trouble And you, go to your limo and think about what you've done - But-- - Limo! Ohh! Now, Jack, don't you remember a conversation we had where I said I didn't want you to see my kid or was the soundtrack of Evita blaring too loud in your head? Hey, I wasn't part of any of this, ok? They came to me, and the first thing I did was bring Elliot back here Are you wearing blush? Ok, the second thing I did - was bring Elliot back here - Good The point is he's here and you'll never have to see me again so I'm just gonna take my gay self back to my gay apartment live my gay life and have a gay old time What are you doing what is that? Oh, come on The whole thing about the gay haircut I know what's going on here The reason you reacted so strongly about the hair is because you have a problem with gay people - No, I don't - Yes, you do - No, I don't - Yes, you do! - I'm gay, Jack - No, you're not! - Yes, I am - No, you're not! Yes, I am I'm gay Prove it! Say something lesbianic Home Depot (Ȩ µðÆ÷ : ¹Ì±¹ÀÇ °¡Á¤¿ë °ÇÃàÀÚÀç À¯Åëȸ»ç) k.
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lang, you are a lesbian! Ka-pow Why didn't Elliot tell me? Because Elliot doesn't know - You never told him? - No, I never did And I think maybe that's why I overreacted about the hair I spent the last 12 years of my life trying to figure out how to tell my son I'm gay and you walk in and do it with a handshake I really want to be a part of his life, Bonnie And you should be, Jack But you gotta remember somethin', all right? I'm in charge of his hair I'm in charge of no leather pants I'm in charge of telling him I'm gay my way, my time - Agreed - Good Wow Elliot has two gay parents That's like every kid's dream Let's hope so You know I can see why he likes you Listen, um Thanks for covering for me No problem So tell me, what's it-- what's it really like to be a professional tennis player? How would I know? I work for the IRS You ever tried saying that at a party? It's like saying "hi, I just killed my family.
" And there was one time When I couldn't get my car started And he called AAA and they started it I miss Danny! I loved him so much! Poor Grace, shh! Oh, don't worry you'll be ok You'll find someone Not like Danny! Hey, hey, what's the hold up in here? Too many nachos last night? Get out of here! You're not supposed to see the bride before the wedding! Wedding? Yeah I'm getting married today Thanks, Grace in holy matrimony Look how in love they are He could be looking into my eyes right now That could be me up there You may kiss the bride Oh, my God, let's get the hell outta here That could be me up there