Will and Grace s04e15 Episode Script

So where's the movie? Did you get The Age of Innocence the way I asked? Oh, I'm sorry I must have misheard you I thought you said to rent Turn Your Head and Cough Army Physicals Caught on Tape Hey.
Ok, I know I said it before that I hate men There's an update Now they hate me Just now in the grocery store I was flirting with that cute produce guy I gave him the hair The eyes The teeth He asked me if I needed something to keep me from swallowing my tongue So you got dissed by some guy in the producedepartment.
Big deal Did I not mention what also happened in the meat,dairy and customer service departments? Hey H.
R.
Desperate-stuff Why don't you stop trying to pick up guys in the grocery store Did I not mention what also happened at the hardware store, drugstore liquor store, and Big Apple Circus? Jack, your ass is ringing That means a gay angel just got his wings Yeah?! Yeah? Oh, my God! I'm so excited! I can't wait to tell my friends! I'll see you guys later Wait a minute! Wait! Whoa! What happened? Oh, I killed at my audition! I'm a finalist for the Manhattan Gay Men's Chorus! Congratulations! Wow, Jack, that is huge I wonder-- Is the Gay Men's Chorus really any gayer than the straight men's chorus? They're going to Europe this summer all expenses paid They said everyone who goes gets per diem but I'll just drink bottled water so I don't have to worry about that Portabella! Sweetie, let's hang out all weekend together and hate men We'll sleep late order in and watch Ooh! the Army one! Great! Can't do it I got plans this weekend Ooh? Ooh.
Ooh! - With Karen - Eww.
Why? There's some big Valentine's day party on Shelter Island She and Stan host it every year All the snooty vansnoots get dressed up and dance their face-lifts off Anyway, with Stan in prison she's got no one to go with so she asked a bunch of people who all wisely said no and I I don't know I felt bad What's wrong with me? Nothing.
You are a sweet delicious man with great morals and great values Now, put the frickin' tape in I'm want to some mensquirm Àª & ±×·¹À̽º ÀÚ¸· Á¦ÀÛ - ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Will & Grace ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Now, I don't want you to be intimidated by these rich society people Remember.
They're just like you only infinitely better Karen, I'm no more intimidated here than you would be in a roomful of people who were getting into Heaven Aren't you sweet? Listen, I'm gonna go check out my room I hope the bed is soft I cannot sleep on a hard mattress Last time I slept on a hard mattress I had this dream that I couldn't sleep because the mattress was too hard You should write that one down and tell it atparties That's a keeper are you gonna be in your room or here at the bar? Why am I even asking? Honey! Give me a sapphire! Karen Walker I thought I smelled gin and regret Beverly Leslie You look more like a woman everytime I see you Thank you.
You know I had to speak up for youjust now The ladies were saying how sad and pathetic you are being all alone here without Stanley but I defended you I said, "she's a hop head, too.
" Aw, Beverly, you're almost as sweet as a regular sized person I must confess We're gonna miss you and that husband and a half closing out the weekend doing the traditional spot light dance Can't very well do that by yourself - But - Oh ho! How the mighty have fallen Karen Walker sad and alone If I weren't so compassionate I'd be laughing Like this! Oh, cut it out, you teacup poodle It just so happens I'm not here alone Oh, are you insinuating that handsome handsome man you arrived with is your lover? How dare you?! I love my husband! I would neverdream of violating the sacred trust of our marriage by taking a lover! He's my whore Ah! Your gigolo ? I don't believe you! Well, I won't be getting any sleep tonight It's as hard as a rock Ok, I'd like to do it again Uh, I guess we'll have to do it without this Owen person Apparently he has something better to do than show up for his call-back Jack, you take Owen's solo this time Oh, my God You want me to do the solo? Ok, um, just so you know I'm dedicating this one to the men and the women in the Armed Forces Goody And My baby, he don't talk sweet he ain'tgot much to say, yeah But he loves me, loves me, loves me I know that he loves me anyway And maybe he don't dress fine but I don't really mind, yeah 'Cause every time hepulls me near I just wanna cheer - Let's - Hey, sorry.
I'm late! Hi.
My boyfriend is having this huge family crisis His mother was-- Ok I tried bangs.
It backfired We understand Uh, excuse me As Aretha said to Gloria,Celine Shania and Mariah during Divas Live "Are you trippin'?" "No one interrupts the Queen of Soul, bitch.
Ok?" Well, I believe she also said "Hey, Cuba,Canada, cowgirl, Crazy" "get out of my light and away from my snacks,bitch.
" Uh, ok Now that Owen's here let's take it from his part - But I-- - And Maybe he's no Romeo he's my lovin'one-man show oh~~ Let's hear it for the boy Very good Very nice Just give me a minute while I judge you and reapply Burton's no competition Sure he can sing but you can see his pores from space This guy wasn't terrible but those shoes Not musical Now This howdy doody looking mother fella He could be trouble Oh, I'm so nervous Yeah, um, you were kind of off-key and um And your phrasing was kind of By the end I didn't really want to hear it for the boy So, but, um I don't think they noticed I was a little worried about the competition so I just wore my tightest t-shirt and I do think they noticed Ok, we've narrowed it down to two of you Uh, but not you two Jack, Owen take a look at this music I'd like to hear you sing with the chorus tomorrow Thank you - I'm such a loser - Oh, Burton You're right helping Burton was good karma but how can I get rid of this guy? What's the one thing that could keep him out of the Gay Men's Chorus? - Hey - Hey Anne Heche-Laffoon! He's straight! Um, excuse me Will, is it? Yes Yes, I know that you're How shall I say this? "Working" for Karen this weekend I was wondering are you taking any other clients? Well Servicing Karen takes up a lot of my time Seems like I'm down there constantly but Um, I could probably squeezeyou in Ok.
great Um, I'm a little nervous I use done of you guys before and I wasn't very happy Oh, well, you don't have to worry about that with me When I take someone on I don't sleep until they're completely satisfied There was this one woman When she came to me she was afraid she'd never get off and I just pushed and pushed I mean, I came at this thing from every angle And not only did she get off but she named her child after me Isn't that sweet? Sounds great - Do you have a card? - Sure - I want one, too - Me, too! Now, listen, it's real cool of you to invite meover to rehearse Well, I'm a giver with no ulterior motive Would you like something to drink? Maybe a white wine spritzer or an American beer in a can that you can crush on your forehead when you're done drinking it Uh, no, I'm good I just want to get started Man, it would be really cool to go to Europe I almost went once with my girlfriend And by "girlfriend" I mean you know, hey, girl friend! What you wearing to Europe? Yeah, it was a guy You know, huge arms Well, that's a sweet story - Hug me - What? Well, I feel that we're close now We shared Oh, interesting You gave me the straight guy double pat on the back no hip contact hug Actually it was more the gay guy bend at the waist feel your delts check out your shoeshug Ah, yes, how could I have mistaken the two? Interesting Interesting Um, why don't we start with some vocal exercises What gym do you go to? Why haven't I seen you in the clubs? And who have we slept with in common? I work out at home I'm allergic to smoke And I'min a long-term relationship with my high school boyfriend Name? / Ben I know him / No, you don't - How do you know? - He told me you don't I think I'll have that spritzer now Jack! Why is my door locked? You better not be using my hair crimper on your bad place again That's a mistake you just make once Excuse me What are you doing here?! I'm in the middle of infotaining Jack, I'm not in the mood Oh, my dog! I have a brilliant idea - I have, in my apartment - My apartment In there right now is a hetero posing as a homo I need you to help me get proof So you want me to "in" him for you? - Forget it - Ok, yeah.
That's fine You probably couldn't get him anyway I mean, your flirt's on the fritz It's no big deal I'll just get somebody else You know, someone who is actually sexual Yeah, Jack That's gonna work If I was Screechon "Saved By the Bell.
" Hey, Jack, can we get started? Hi That's him? Give me a minute to paint on some cleavage Uh, 1:00? Yeah, I am booked But you and Mrs.
Sandwall are friends, right? Well, would you mind if I just did you two together? Great Ok I'm scared and excited, too You! Oh, good Lord! You scared me! Shouldn't you be in your tree making cookies? You're a liar Karen Walker I don't for one minute believe that man is your zheegolo I'm in the room next door and I haven't heard a peep from that room And, honey, believe you me I've been listenin'! If you're being deceitful I'd hate for people to find out but I would love to be the one to tell 'em! Oh! Hello, Will Karen, I don't know what you've been saying to people but thank you You know how many appointments I've set for potential clients this weekend? Oh, my God! That is huge! - That's great - I know Yeah It's funny, though You know, a lot of these women are so needy A few of them asked if I'd hold them afterwards Oh, wow! That is good, really good Oh, yeah! Oh, it's good! Yeah! - Karen - Aah! Yeah! What? What is going on? Oh, my God If you're about to shed your human form please don't make my body the next host No, silly.
I told everybody you were a whore and I just want to make sure it sounds like we're having sex in here, ok? Oh What?! Have you lost your mind?! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh! - Stop it! - What? My God! Why would you spread such a horrible rumor?! What if I went around saying "Karen Walker flies coach"? That would be a damaging lie! God! This is so embarrassing Here I am thinking I'm Julia Roberts in Erin Brockovich and meanwhile I'm Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman! God! I am getting out of here You're not going anywhere! The dance is at 8:00 tonight and I need you to be my partner Forget it Get somebody else from your staff butcher or baker or painkiller-maker Oh, I forgot They were all smart enough to say no Honey, wait You're the only one I asked What?! Yes.
you're the one that I wanted to be here Why? So you could take advantage of me? No Be-because I - Good-bye - No! Wait a minute, honey Because ever since Stanley went to prison you're the only man in my life that I can count on Well, you should have thought of that before Good-bye What is it about Grandma's Tummy Mint tea that just makes me feel so Sexual? I don't know but if that does it for you you might want to avoid Red Zinger Grace, can I talk to you for a minute? I have a furf in my shmankman and I think I caught my hrmm in my whoo! What is taking you so long? Seduce him already! God! Never send a woman in to do a man's job Jack, we're straight It's a little more complicated than "your turn.
" Well, turn it up a nacho So what? You want me to be more aggressive?! Yes.
Good Go.
Great Oh! Wait Your hair I just That's a lovely song Thanks It's the English version of the French song "mwa mwa mwa mwa" Oh! Look at that My tea's cold I'm gonna get a refill Oh! God! Darn! Look at that! I should take this off It's not good to be wet too long Oh! What am I doing?! Oh, wait a minute You don't care You're gay, right? Oh, right Right.
I'm gay So you don't mind if I No, I'm gay.
You should definitely take your shirt off It's cute, right? Oh, I'm sorry I'm making you uncomfortable no.
I'm not uncomfortable I'm gay.
We love bras, right? That is a really really good one I mean, it is awesome! Uh, I mean, it's, uh it's fantabulous Well, if you like that you're gonna love the jeans Touch 'em.
It's ok You know, 'cause you're gay Right.
I mean why should you care, you know? My hand seems to be traveling up your thigh towards your Rockin'ass! but who cares, right? Because I'm gay! So it's all right if I tell you you're beautiful and throw you down on this couch and make out with you fiercely, right? Yep Because you're gay I should be on top You know, you're a good kisser for a gay guy! And I've kissed a lot of gay guys! Gotcha, you sick straight bastard! Jack, get lost I'm not done! Good for you You got me But the joke's on you I'm still gonna be in that chorus 'cause you don't have any proof Exhibit A There's no film in that camera What, you think I'd be so stupid not to put film in my own camera? Hello! Damn you sneaky heteros! That's right Your word against mine, buddy but thanks for the help And thank you for the tea and A Well, I really appreciate a woman who knows how to turn it on Yo! Well, Jack, look on the bright side I'm back Grace Adler's back! And I know a produce guy who's gonna get a nice little flirt right about now Then I'm gonna come home watch some gay porn Happy Valentine's Day to me! Ok, everybody.
Hush Clear the floor It's time to end this event with the traditional spot light dance Led by our hosts Karen Walker and her husband Oh, wait, no He's in the big house Everything's a big house to you But she brought somebody else Oh, wait.
no He's not here either I guess it's just gonna be Karen Walker Can we get as pot on this sad little lady? All right, Thumbelina you got me I'm all by my self, ok? Everybody happy? Karen Walker is all alone Oh, no, she's not She's got a drink in both hands probably one in her purse and she's got me May I have this dance? Thanks, honey Why'd you come back? Who else you gonna count on? So they really think I'm a gigolo? Yeah Let's give 'em something to talk about Oh, honey! Now I know why Grace married you Wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin', plannin' and dreamin' each night of his charms that won't get you into his arms So if you're looking to find love you can share all you gotta do is hold him and kiss him and love him and show him that you care Show him that you care just for him Do the things he likes to do Wear your hair just for him 'Cause you won't get him - Thinkin' and a-hopin' - Wishin' and a-prayin' - Lyin' and a-cheatin'! - Tubby and a-tone-deaf! Stop it! I can't take it anymore! This man is straight! You're crazy! I'm as gay as the locker room at the Ice Capades! This is just your pathetic attempt to eliminate the competition And besides, I think Jack is the straight one I have never been accused of something so heinous! Heinous How dare you, sir?! You are an impostor! And I have a woman who he made out with who can be here in five minutes That'sright, five minutes because she has no life! Damn! Tell them the truth Ok.
I'm straight And it was wrong of me to deceieve you guys It's just that I love to sing I love to sing choral music It makes me feel like I'm Being gently chucked under the chin by God But there's no room for a straight man in that world You don't know how hard it is for me to fit in The looks, the murmurs behind my back I mean, I know what they're saying "Ooh, he likes girls.
" So I tried to pass as gay It was wrong.
I'm sorry All I wanted was to sing and be accepted And maybe dance a little, too Cry all you want, straightie This is the gay men's chorus Who cares about choral music? We just want to go to Europe and shower together And you can't come Yes, he can Confuse me? We here at the chorus have a policy of tolerance We used to have a policy of openness but that got too many giggles You should be ashamed of yourself! Congratulations, Owen You're going to Europe! Don't change your hair And we're sharing a room You know You may have won but I still have my dignity I don't have to pretend to be anything other than who I am What do you have? I have a free trip to Europe a huge per diem and a chance to sing in all the best venues in the world And a winning smile Perhaps But I still get to sleep with men