Will and Grace s04e16 Episode Script

That was a great show Thanks I have been waiting all year to see Puppetry of the Penis It's just that the whole time mine was thinking "I could do that" Will, Hi What are you doing here? On a date Well, I'm on a date, too Will, Bill Bill, Will Hey, Bill, Will Uh, Bill, Phil Phil, Bill - Bill - Phil And this is Grace It's a thrill Good save Would you guys mind if we just stepped out for a minute? Hold on a second This is kind of funny Yeah, I got a thing You got a thing Get out You get out! OK! OK! Why don't you guys just go into the bedroom? We're not ready to go in the bedroom yet Why don't you go in the bedroom? We've already been in the bedroom Slut! Why does this keep happening? We're constantly on top of each other We have no privacy Last night, I heard noises from your bedroom that sounded like a pig being tickled So, I snore a little Well, you're a loud pee-er I swear, it sounds like the last hour of The Perfect Storm in there Here we are, having the apartment discussion again I know It seems to keep comin' up You know the logical thing to do I know - We need to get separate apartments - That is the logical thing So, we'll get a bigger place? I mean, we talk about it all the time and why else have we been going to open houses every Sunday for the last six months? You know, if we're serious about this we should get a paper tomorrow and start looking It's 10:00 Sunday paper should be out already You're right Let's hit the news stand on 86th Oh, wait We're forgetting somethin' Coats Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Someone Old Someplace New ÀÚ¸·Á¦ÀÛ - ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 Ŭ·´ ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Will & Grace ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ ÀÚÀ¯ ¼öÁ¤ ¹× ¹èÆ÷ (´Ü, Á¦ÀÛÀÚ Á¤º¸ ¼öÁ¤ ºÒ°¡) ¹èÆ÷½Ã Ãâó¸¦ ²À ¹àÇôÁÖ¼¼¿ä Ok, Karen Strap yourself in because I have gotten you what I believe to be pants-down the best birthday gift you're gonna get all year Oh! Honey is my new liver in? No I'm making a film that celebrates your life It's called "Karen : A Celebration of Life" A film, breath taking in its scope and ambition How much do you need? Karen, please I am insulted This is my gift to you How much can you give me? Well, I'd give you a credit card but I used my Amex to hit a face I didn't like I lose more credit cards that way Check book, ok? Yeah, um, I'm also gonna need a crew I was thinking 20 burly men with bulging calves who aren't afraid to sweat - How about Rosario? - Perfect So, what time are we meeting this real-estateagent? Ayleen? I thought it was Eyleen It's spelled "Eyleen " It's pronounced "Ayleen" - Why? - "A" don't know You know the more I think about it the more I hate it here The bathroom's too small There's not enough closet space My bedroom's filthy So, basically we're moving so you don't have to clean your room? It's really messy You know the most annoying thing about living here? Hello I swear I wasn't gonna say that We are here at the apartment that sex forgot to hear from two of Karen Walker's dearest, dearest, dearest Line? - Friends - Friends! That's right That is going on the gag reel! That is hilarious! Jack, we really don't have time for this - We're on our way - Excuse me, we are live to tape! We're here with the sad couple If you're just joining us we're digging into the mystery of Karen Walker We're going through her checkbook in an attempt to find out who she is Now, Grace right this way Thank you for coming On the18th Karen wrote you a check for $280 What does that mean to you? She paid me $10 a day not to wear ruffles or eat Ruffles in the office Interesting, interesting Yet not so right this way Thank you, Will Thank you Ok And here, Karen wrote you a check a mere two days later for expense reimbursement I'm pretty sure only one of those is a word But what could that mean to you? It was a, It was a guilt payment for throwing her credit card at my face Just as I thought This checkbook is unlocking the mystery of Karen Walker And I thought shooting those pornos for Tommy Lee was a tough gig Ok, This is just the first one We have a big day ahead of us What do you think? It's charming, right? I love it! Are we done? Well, I like the space great floors It's equidistant from my gym and Krispy Kreme does it have a view? Does it have a view?! I'm guessing it's closer to Krispy Kreme's than the gym I love this building! There's something about it It just feels so warm and friendly - Hey, neighbor - Hi! Let's get the hell out of here! Just so you know this one's been on the market a long time It's a lease option to buy and the seller's very motivated Don't look at him! He's just wiring the place for the Internet I have a weird feeling I've been here before Well, I shouldn't tell you this but a famous person lives here Do you love that downtown comedy? Sandra Bernhard Excuse me Oh, my God! Like a circle in a spiral, like a - Hi - Hi, again What are you two Kate &Leopold looking mother f***** I thought I told you I never wanted do to see your ***** faces again We're serious this time We are really interested in renting your ap save it, bitches Ever since you two f*** me over I haven't been able to dump this piece of sh*** We're gonna-- We're gonna go 'cause this isn't gonna be right for us anyway So, are you playing anywhere? 'Cause we'd really love to see you Would you get the f*** out of here? So, honey Who else have you interviewed? Oh, all your closest friends Pharmacist, Butler, Jeweler Backup Pharmacist I hope Pharmy and Back up Pharmy don't find out about each other That's a cat fight waitin' to happen but you know, Karen I'd love to include your mother in my "Project Queen-light" What institution is she in? I was just kidding when I told you she was in the loony bin Funny story, actually She's dead What's funny about that? Well, she was alive and now she's dead, Get it? Um, who's Lois Whitley? Huh?! What?! Who?! Well, I've been working my way through your checkbook trying to figure out who you are by how you spend Who is she? Oh Well, honey, I think that's somebody driver ran over But usually, when Driver runs somebody over there's a little frowny face in the memo part of the check Yeah, well maybe it was one of those double-pedestrian dealios Who cares? Listen I gotta go see a man about a horse pill! Lois Whitley I don't think we've heard the last of her Come with us now as we begin to unravel the mystery of Karen Walker Come on Keep 'em closed One step we really don't want to play this game anymore Last time we did this I stepped on the owner And open! Three-bedroom duplex walk-in closets meditation room, library Do I need to continue? Because you should be kissing my ass at this point - I love it, do you love it? - I love it, do you love it? But we don't need a library That's right We don't read And we don't need a meditation room That's right We don't believe in anything So, what are we gonna use those two extra rooms for? Shoes! We'll take it! Ok! There's just one little thing One little thing It's three times what you wanted to pay What?! Why didn't you tell us, then?! Because I wanted you to fall in love with it Do you love it? - Yeah, we love it - We love it Are you sure this is the right address? The landlord said Lois Whitley works at Paddy's Pub This place is Paddy's Pub Ok It's not the fact you spit that bothers me It's the fact you spit Tabasco All right this obviously isn't the place Look, just grab the gear and we'll do the interview with Karen's hair dresser and we'll get that in the can Take it easy Martin Scorsissy I schlepped this equipment all over Yonkers I want to sit down and toss back a few Rosario, we are on a schedule! We don't have time / I'm buying Maybe something with an umbrella Excuse me, miss Yeah, we're ready to order over here - What's good? - What's good? Me in Hawaii with Richard Crenna I heard that, sister What do we got here? You look like a bus and truck company of West Side Story You know, I played Maria a time or two It's true, I tell ya Anyway, I'll have a club soda with two teaspoons of sugar a splash of Rosa's Lime Juice half crushed ice half cubed, and an umbrella One beer Excuse me! Rudeness! I would like the drink I ordered! And maybe even a "Hello, my name is pbblt.
" "I'll be your server tonight" Listen, Maria I've been on this shift since What time is it now? Uh, 1947 My back aches my feet hurt and the only thing holding up my boobs is hope So, you'll enjoy your beer A beer would be great Thanks Make that two, and a couple of hard-boiled eggs By the way my name is Lois I'll be your server tonight Lois? Lois Whitley? Yeah How'd you know? Well, we we`re looking for a Lois Whitley What a coincidence Anyway, tomorrow I want to shoot the outside of the apartment Schmucko Oh, Lois! Oh, Lois Whitley! We came here to film you Film me? Oh, honey, I haven't done those kind of movies in 30 years Just give me a few minutes to freshen up Oh, no It's not that at all I'm doing a film tribute to a friend of mine and I come here today with my crew Hi To ask you a few questions about said friend Roll it So, Lois Whitley tell us What exactly is your relationship to one Ms Karen Walker? I'm her mother Santa Maria it has a mother?! I wish I'd never seen that place Now I can't stop thinking about it It was so great Not like this dump Come on This place is fine Oh, it's a dump, Will! This is a beautiful apartment People would kill for a place like this It's got a doorman, a terrace It's in a great neighbor hood Damn it! What idiot builds a step up to a kitchen?! This place sucks! Crappy design! Well, you'd better get used to it 'cause we're stuck in a shoebox until I'm an old maid in a threadbare cardigan and you're an old maid in a threadbare caftan Thanks You know the worst part about this apartment? Oh my God! You're not gonna believe what happened! Honest to God I was not gonna say that I met Karen's mother She's not dead She's a cocktail waitress It turns out Karen's father died when she was seven.
Oh, my God Can you imagine what Karen looked like when she was seven years old? Cute little pumps, cute little martini cute little pills Anyway, from then on they moved around a lot until Lois met a man a ne'er-do-well named Bernie Or was it Todd? I don't know I can't remember 'cause at that point I zoned out 'cause some real hot fireman came into the bar Oh, his name was Todd That's right Hot Toddy Anyway, what did I do with his number? Actually , when Karen was 16 her and her mother had some big falling-out and Lois wouldn't tell me what it was but I have a feeling Karen killed a man with her bare breasts All this is in my movie I smell sequel Karen has a mother? Yeah, that's huge So, we've got to figure out how to get that apartment It's too much money Perhaps But not if we have more money My God, Grace You've done it That apartment is as good as ours - Oh, wait! - What? - No / Uh? - Well / Yeah? There is one thing we could do but it might make us bad people So let me ask you would you rather be good people in a bad apartment or bad people in a great apartment? I think you know the answer to that We sublet We find somebody else to take this place Then we charge a lot more money than we should We gouge 'em! You are brilliant! Guys, open up! Ellen has to pee - Hey - Hi Sorry we're late Traffic was ridiculous Well, maybe if you had taken the tunnel like I told you to instead of taking us on a scenic tour of murderville we could've been here on time! I'm irritable, I'm fat and I have to pee Wow I forgot Ellen stopped coloring her hair Is it weird that she's not a redhead anymore? Yeah, yeah It's weird she's not a lot of things anymore Red-headed, fun, nice I just don't think she likes me anymore, guys Come on Why do you say that? Well, it's the little things she says, like "I don't like you anymore, Rob!" Pregnant women say things Yeah She doesn't mean it Yeah, and she's on this kick about moving back to the city Really? Oh, yeah She was grumbling about how New Jersey might not be the right place for us to raise our kid I'm sure it'll pass Oh, Trenton, Secaucus Fort Lee, Passaic - Places that suck! - Yes Hey! Guys We live near Secaucus Don't slow us down Ok, uh, bad accents, bad taste overworked hair, social stigma Things kids have who are born in New Jersey! - Right! - Hey! Oh, guys It's just a game I'm sure your kid won't have any of that Grace, go Ok, uh, culture, great restaurants amazing shopping The advantages of living in New York Ding! We're burnin' up! Honey, what's wrong? I hate New Jersey Our kid's gonna grow up with a bad accent and overworked hair I wanna move back to the city and I swear to God if we don't do it I'm divorcing you! Honey I mean, if you want to move back to New York we'll move back to New York I just don't know how we're gonna find an apartment here I think we can help So, Karen, on this the centennial of your birth Jack wants me to wish you a happy birthday I hope all your wishes come true and when you do become Satan's mistress don't you forget the little people And that's the end of part one - Oh, bravo - Speech, speech Leave, leave Oh, thank you, everyone To be surrounded on your birthday by your closest friends Well Would've been nice But instead I'm stuck with you kids I'm kidding I'm kidding But seriously, you people just mean the world to me Rosie You're more than just my maid You're my friend And little Gracie You're more than just my friend You're my maid And Will Oh, boy I know I know I've given you a lot of grief over the years Abused you called you names And Jackie I love you more than you love yourself and I love my movie! Oh, wait It's not over yet That's still one more part So, uh when should we tell everyone about our new apartment? Well, we gotta wait for the right time It's big news I know So, when am I gonna know when it's time? Maybe you can give me some kind of signal A signal? Ok When Ethel comes in wearing the barrel you'll know it's time Ok, Karen When you look back on your life what is the one thing that has gotten away from you? Who is that one person that could make your life complete again? Sunny's out of bed? Finally! Von Bulow get your ass in here! No, not Sunny VB, silly Your mother! Roll it Hi, you kiki Happy birthday! Finally the mystery is solved! I told you I never wanted to see you again! Guys, we're moving to a bigger place!