Will and Grace s07e23 Episode Script

Friends with Benefits

Will, stop This dinner is in your honor Quitting your job and taking a big risk in your life I do not want you to life a finger Oh, Grace, that is so sweet Considering I already shopped, prepped, and cooked the entire meal It's really no big deal to carry it the last six steps All right, but I'm clearing I ain't clearing Okay, guys, where's Jack? We gotta move this along I've got Stella McCartney meeting me at the manse for a fitting and I want Rosario to slaughter a chicken in front of her It's fun to mess with vegans Oh, right, the benefit You know, I think it's great that the Walker Foundation still gives out scholarships every year Mm-hmm.
Stan had a big heart Well not so much "big" as engorged and filled with cheese Hey, guys, sorry I'm late I was in a pitch meeting at Out TV Oh.
Okay, right.
"Pitch".
Yeah That's industry speak for when people get so excited about an idea they pitch a tent in their pants Anyway, I'm gonna be a producer of a talk show I'm gonna be a household name! Wow, just like that guy who produces "Oprah" whose name I can't remember is a household name Exactly.
Now I just need a host Someone who you'd like to welcome into your living room every day Like Tony Danza Oh, look at me going on and on about my job when you were recently fired I'm sorry Jack, I wasn't fired.
I quit Oh Okay.
Right, right Just like I "quit" all my jobs, too Yeah Did they bang your hands with an astray trying to get you to let go of the cappucino machine while you were "quittin'"? I quit because I wanted to do something meaningful with my life And, uh, I know what it is Writing Well, then I know what I'm not going to be doing Reading Àª Àª & Àª & ±× Àª & ±×·¹ Àª & ±×·¹ÀÌ Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Hey, honey you had a message From a man He sounded cute, into you, and straight "Tom Cassidy"? Ah - We went to college together - Ooh.
College girl Look who went to college We had a fling my senior year of college He was so romantic He always made sure that his roommate was asleep before we'd do it Tell me more.
Tell me more Like did he have a car? Oh! I know why he's calling He must have heard about my divorce Oh, here he comes again Barking up the Grace tree.
Woof! He sure is Sniffing after your rotting fruit Looking for a place to lift his leg Yeah, that started fun Well, he said he's gonna stop by the office today Gosh, honey I think I'm kinda jealous I wish I had a handsome man visiting me at work Well, well, well Instead, I have the world's oldest girl Keep it up, Karen Walker I'll add that insult to my complaint The only complaint you have is that the American Kennel Club hasn't recognized you as a breed yet! I am slapping you with a lawsuit for defamation of character I was hosting a soiree for the Republican Party on the flight deck of the Intrepid Your friend publicly insinuated that I was a homosexual And? Oh, Beverley, no! You must've misunderstood Attention Republicans: Beverley Leslie is a homosexual I repeat: Beverley Leslie is a homosexual I demand a public apology at your benefit tomorrow night! Oh, all right, fine Now get out of here, you angry inch If not, I will destroy you! Look at those squirrels go! Oh.
I would pay to watch squirrel racing I'd pay to see the jockeys That, my friend, is hilarious You must be a writer Really? I seem like a writer? That's fantastic, 'cause that's what I am Wonderful My favorite writer is John Steinbeck Or is it Erma Bombeck? I get my Becks confused Uh, one wrote about the Dust Bowl and the other wrote about the toilet bowl Ah, very good.
Yeah So what's your voice, Will Truman? What do you want to say? Well, I I wanna do some good You know? I wanna make people think The-- Wait a minute, how'd you know my name? It's right there on your notebook above "plus Hugh Jackman" To be fair, I wrote that a long time ago You know before Van Helsing I'm Malcolm Can I read something? Oh, I don't think so You're a stranger What if I told you I had friends at The New Yorker who were looking for new talent? I'd say, "Howdy, stranger, wanna read an essay?" Then I'd immediately regret saying "howdy" Here, this one is, uh, is about how Wall Street really is a bull market if you know what I mean Ouch.
That has got "Talk of the Town" written all over it Ooh, good first sentence, I'm hooked Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
Aah! I didn't see that coming I am so glad that I met you, Will Truman You are the whole package A great writer with a swimmer's body Don't ever forget that I put all your pictures of John Stamos in descending order of his hotness like you asked I hope I did it right Let's see how you did.
Okay This is an abomination! Jack, hi Beat it, straighty Go call your girlfriend Oh, Jamie You're abusing heterosexuals You must have good news.
Heh-heh Tell me we have a host for the show You're gonna be very happy, Jack We were lucky to get former child star current telemarketer, Randall Finn Randall Finn? The loveable robot from "Small Boy Robot"? He's perfect! Hey, there he is Randall Say hello to Jack What? Who's Jack? What do you want from me, you beaver? What? An autograph? A headshot? Well, unless you can trade me a clean cup of urine, you can forget it Um, no, I'm your producer Jack McFarland Oh, oh, I'm punked to meet you I can't wait to meet all the people who are gonna be working on my show You just did! By the way, big fan Loved "Small Boy Robot.
" The episode where you thought you could jump in the pool with the normal kids.
.
Oh! Tore me up Hey, so what kind of stuff you thinking about for my show? Okay, well, I'd like to get you out of the studio for a segment I like to call "Gay Man Out On The Street".
You know? It's genius, Jack I told you he was great Jamie, back up or you're gonna be eating my fist, okay? You're breathing down my neck like a six-foot hairdryer Sorry, Superstar You know what? I don't--I don't like you You know what you remind me of is that studio teacher I always had who was always riding me about the algebra You know what, Jamie? I got some algebra for you X plus Y equals: You are barred from the set! Barred from the set! Sweet guy Aw, crap Crap Oh Honey, what-- Why don't you just use your fingers? No.
I wanna get it the way the Chinese do You know, the last time I saw you, I think you were trying to get my hand out of there Good to see you, Tom Oh, he's cute And I usually find redheads hideous So tell me does the carpet match the drapes? I don't know I've got wood floors This is my assistant, Karen And she was just leaving to drink in the bathroom Oh, God, I forgot about that Uh, listen, Richie Cunningham-- I'd love it if you could come to my benefit as well.
My treat Anyone who's slept with Grace deserves a free meal You know, I'm sure she's a good assistant but when I called earlier, she answered "Beverley Leslie is a homosexual" Look at you It's like I haven't changed at all You mean, "You haven't changed at all" Oh, that's sweet - So - Mm-hmm I guess you're wondering why I'm here I think I have a hunch Oh, sorry I'm late You must be Grace - Oh, and you must be - My wife, Viv Right.
Viv.
Hi, Viv, wife - So did you tell her? - No, he didn't tell me Well, I haven't had a chance Grace, Viv and I bought a hotel in Tribeca And we want you to design it Wow.
A hotel That is-- That sounds reallyexciting Wow! Tom got married That is so great - Yeah.
Isn't it great? - I said it was great Welcome to the Metropolitan Museum of Art for the Stanley Walker Foundation Benefit Oh.
Stanley loved ancient Egyptian culture They invented the pyramid, which later became the pyramid scheme A way to fool poor people into thinking that they can be rich Oh.
Enjoy your evening Where was my apology-- for calling me a homosexual? Oh, relax, Fruit-ankh-amen you'll get your apology Will Truman? Malcolm? What a coincidence Is it? Or have I been following you all day? I'm just kidding Maybe you've been following me If you are, stop it Oh, um, Grace, this is the, um, fellow I was talking about who I met in the park Oh, the guy who likes Will's writing You're a real person I just lost a bet with myself Well, I wouldn't worry about this one He's going to become a great writer like Ernest Hemingway, Sylvia Plath, Virginia Wolff - Didn't they all kill themselves? - But they had fun Did they? Hey, Karen, uh, thanks for letting us film here We're shooting a segment where we ask straight people questions about gay culture And if they get 'em wrong-- We throw water on them - Hey - Hi, Randall, yes, you're late So, um, let me quickly just go over the two rules to a Jack McFarland set, okay? Uh, be on time.
All right? And only members of the crew are allowed to touch a crew's member.
Okay? Just back off my jock, okay, dinkus? Hey who's this little fella? How many fingers old are you, big guy? Hmm? What? Bitch, I got a beard and three gray pubes Oh, you know lots of words - Hey - Hey I'm sorry about this afternoon It was a little weird Why didn't you tell me you were married? I'm sorry, I-- I thought I did when I sent you an invitation that said "Tom and Viv are getting married" Oh I bet it came during my divorce I didn't open any piece of mail with calligraphy or a stamp that said "Love" on it Anyway, where's Viv? She left Somebody asked her who won the Tony award for Best Featured Actress in a Musical in 1975 And when she didn't know they threw a bucket of water on her Oh, Rosario, I-- Look I'm doing some writing on social injustice you know, the battle between the classes? You want to interview me? No, no, I just want to jot something down Could you hold my glass? Sleep with your lights on, white devil Your time is coming - Hey, Grace - Hey.
Will, you remember Tom? - Oh, of course - I remember you too You're the guy that ate half a brownie and freaked out on my floor that night Yeah, you could imagine my embarrassment when I found out there were-- there were no drugs in it So, Will, if I get Grace another drink are you gonna get me kicked out of the dorm again? I forgot what a narc you were Excuse me, there was a war on drugs in this country Plus, I got half a credit for every guy I turned in I don't trust him You know, you know he's into you? Oh, please.
He's married You should just worry about your own guy Yeah, your "talent scout" from the park? Malcolm thinks I have a wonderful gift Or does he think you have a wonderful package? All right, I need to word with you, Randall I need a word with you right now You listen to me I'm the producer, all right? Got it? I'm in charge So when I say "Jump", you say, "In what shoes?" Hey! nobody talks to me like that, okay? You're dead, man! I'm gonna rip off both your arms I'm gonna flip you off with one of 'em and--and then I'm gonna beat you with the other one! Are you ready to get your ass kicked? You slapped me Well, you were gonna attack me I haven't been slapped since my mom used to hit me when I didn't get a callback - Well, I'm sorry, I didn't mean-- - No! Get away from me! I hate you! And I quit! You have just become the top of my list of enemies You have just leapt right past Wilmer Valderrama Congratulations, buddy! I have a quick announcement We have raised $250,000 for the Stanley Walker Foundation It goes to fix the foundation of Stanley Walker's house on Sag Harbor I'm just kidding! It goes to poor people or chicks or something Not so fast Isn't there something else that you need to say? Oh, right What was it that I was supposed to apologize for, again? What did I say? You knowthat I was a homosexual! - Hmm? - That I'm a homosexual - What? - I'm a homosexual I'm a homosexual! That's right, ladies and gentlemen you heard it here first Out loud and proud, Beverley Leslie Can we give him a hand? Tickle, tickle, it's Uncle Malcolm Listen, can I ask you something and it's-it's unrelated to that whole sort of Uncle-tickle thing you just did You-- You're not into me, are you? No, I'm not.
I mean I think you're a great-looking guy and all, but I'm into women I don't care if they were born that way so long as they are now Well, that's great So it is my writing that you like? Oh, I love it, but I may be the only one I heard from my contacts at The New Yorker They didn't really care for it Well, what'd they say exactly? They said they're going to enter your name into a database If it comes up again, a warning will pop up with a deafening alarm Well, I Damn it I quit my job as a lawyer to help people And I'm not gonna let a few rejections get in my way Did you say that you were a lawyer? I was, yeah Oh, my gosh, now I know why we keep bumping into each other This is fate I had my own charitable foundation and I've been looking for a lawyer to help me run it You could be helping needy children and there's T - Helping children in need? - Yeah - That's great! - Yeah - And I could write about it too! - N-n-no! - The database - Oh, yeah We deserve a snack Get your coat, we're going to Serendipity Five minutes ago, I had no job and I felt like dessert Now look at me! He's on the hook Operation Getting Will Truman To Be A Lawyer Again is a success I know it's long, but it says what it is And we agreed that I could name the top secret operation this week and you could get the bagels Wow.
Wow, I can't believe how long we've been here And I never even looked at any of the art.
Heh-heh.
Well, we could do it now Too many stairs You're right This old crap ain't going anywhere Well, uh I guess I should go home Yeah.
Yeah, we start work tomorrow Mm, bright and early - Goodnight - Goodnight - Whoa-- No, no - What? No-- - You-- - I didn't mean-- - You're married.
I don't do that - I know-- I'm sorry - It can't happen again - I won't, I promise - Okay.
Goodnight - Goodnight Who the hell put this freakin' ram here? My show is gone, Elizabeth! It's gone! - Oh! - Oh, hey, Jamie I'm really sorry about what happened with Randall It's okay, Jack I saw some of that video from the museum Sister, you are pretty on camera Are you asking me out? No, I was gonna ask you to host the show We'll talk about your contract over drinks Oh, my God! I'm gonna host my own talk show! We did it, Elizabeth we did it! Oh, forget it! You even twirl like a straight man! ÀÚ¸· Á¦ÀÛ - ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Á °ÇºÎ ¹èÆ÷ / ¼öÁ¤ ±ÝÁö ¹èÆ÷½Ã ÀÚ¸· Ãâó¸¦ ²À ¹àÇô ÁÖ¼¼¿ä