Young Sheldon (2017) s05e02 Episode Script

Snoopin' Around and the Wonder Twins of Atheism

1 Previously on Young Sheldon Oh, hey, Brenda.
What brings you out tonight? Just needed to get out of the house.
I hear that.
Want some company? Sure.
Then what if we go someplace else? What do you have in mind? Herschel does have the kids.
- [pants.]
- You okay? George? Hello? BRENDA: Mary, it's Brenda.
George is in the hospital.
What's going on? Paramedics think it might be his heart.
All we did was have a nice time in a public place.
Hmm? Now, is there anything wrong with that? Kind of feels like it.
It does feel like it.
Why does it feel like it? [sighs.]
Maybe 'cause it was nice to talk to someone and feel special.
It was.
ADULT SHELDON: Sundays were not my favorite day.
In fact, the only light at the end of the tunnel was the wry musings of Andy Rooney at the end of 60 Minutes.
Noise is sound you don't want to hear.
And of course, one person's sound is another person's noise.
So wry.
The rest of the day was filled with football, church and the only school I didn't enjoy attending, Sunday school.
And then his mother put baby Moses in a basket and sent him down the river.
Why? Maybe he was crying all night and his mother and father needed a break.
And maybe his grandmother was in town to help out, but she went to bed early because she had jet lag after her flight from Dallas.
She did it because Pharaoh ordered all the male babies to be killed.
- That's really in the Bible? - Yes.
And Mom won't let me read Judy Blume.
Sheila the Great changed my life.
JEFF: Back to Moses.
He was found by Pharaoh's daughter and went on to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, because even when you feel lost, God has a plan for us all.
What was his plan for the male babies who didn't get rescued? It's tough to say.
There was a decree to throw them in the river.
Innocent babies? That is not cool.
That was Pharaoh, that was not God.
But according to you, it's all part of God's plan.
How do you sleep at night? Okay, we're gonna revisit getting me some help with Sunday school.
I am ready, willing, and Nope.
I want someone who can really connect with the kids.
But connecting with the kids is what I do.
What planet are you on? I'm Miss Mary, and I'll be your Sunday school teacher.
Oh, no, you won't.
I will.
Slithers, that is a lie.
And what's another name for a lie? [hissing.]
: A s-s-sin.
Boy did that s-s-suck.
Fine, what do you have in mind? It's time we hire a youth pastor.
Fresh blood.
I like the sound of that.
I already put in a call to my buddy at the Southern Baptist Convention.
So, this isn't open for discussion? It's already happening? As they say in the rec room Tuesday nights: "Bingo!" S-s-sorry.
Nobody else is stronger than I am Yesterday I moved a mountain I bet I could be your hero I am a mighty little man Hey, Brenda.
Oh, hey, Connie.
Haven't seen you in a while.
Sounds like you and George had a crazy night, huh? What? No, we didn't.
He has a heart attack, and you get him to the hospital.
That wasn't crazy? No.
Well, thank God you were with him.
Well, I-I wouldn't say I was "with him.
" You weren't? I was there, and he was there, and other people were there.
- [chuckles.]
- You know, I'm just glad that he's doing better.
Well, it's good seeing you.
You, too.
You both liked it that day I taught Sunday school, right? Ugh, with the snake? I didn't like it, either.
But I'm critical of most things.
You aren't doing it again, are you? No.
We're hiring a youth pastor.
Why? To help get young kids excited about God.
The same God who lets babies get thrown in rivers? - What? - We covered Moses in Sunday school.
Well, that was Old Testament God.
He gets more fun later.
Anyway, Pastor Jeff is hoping to bring in someone from the outside to help.
Oh, and you're jealous 'cause you think you can do it better.
I'm sure whoever we get will do a wonderful job.
She's jealous.
You know it's bad when I can see it.
What's up? My smoke detector's beeping again.
Have you got one of those little batteries? - I think so.
Come on in.
- Thank you.
See, I'm three beeps away from breaking out my shotgun.
I don't even put batteries in ours anymore.
- Do not tell Sheldon.
- [chuckles.]
I saw Brenda at the grocery today.
Oh, yeah? How's she doing? I don't know.
Something going on with her? What do you mean? I was just talking about what happened to y'all at the bar, and she kind of got weird.
Weird how? What'd she say? Well, it's not so much what she said.
Just kind of a vibe I got.
Well, maybe you made her uncomfortable.
You do have that effect on people.
I didn't do anything.
I was just being neighborly.
Found it.
Here we go.
Hey, anything else? No.
Well, see you.
See you.
[phone rings.]
Hello? What did you tell Connie? - What do you mean? - GEORGE SR.
: She said she saw you at the grocery store, and you were acting weird.
She caught me off guard.
She was asking questions about us hanging out at the bar.
- [chuckles.]
What did you tell her? - Nothing.
Well, whatever you said's got her sniffing around me like a hound dog after a polecat.
A hound dog after a polecat? When I get nervous, I get extra country.
- Did you get country in front of her? - No.
- So you played it cool.
- No.
So, we got to get our stories straight.
Now, wh-what did you tell her? I told her we weren't together.
I was there, and you were there, and other people were there, too.
That's good.
That's good.
So, what did you tell her? I was a little rude and rushed her out of the house.
Don't you do that all the time? Oh, yeah.
Oh, I guess we're okay.
I drew up a list of interview questions we can ask the pastors.
[clicks tongue.]
But these are all softballs.
Shouldn't we dig a little deeper? Are you kidding me? "Who's your favorite apostle and why" is gonna have them squirming in their seat.
Oh, please, there are 11 good answers and one bad one.
Mary, if you're not here to help, I can do this on my own.
I am here to help.
I am just saying that most people see this job as a stepping stone to bigger and better oppor This is Pastor Andy.
- Hi, there.
- Welcome.
Who is my favorite apostle and why? That is a toughie.
[Andy chuckles.]
Although, I suppose any answer other than Judas is safe.
[Andy laughs.]
So, where you from? Originally Rhode Island.
And you're a Southern Baptist? I guess I'm more of a Northern Baptist, but we're all just Baptists, right? [chuckles.]
I'll show him out.
So, how do you relate to young people? Bad.
Which is what kids these days say when they mean "good.
" It's a Michael Jackson song.
[chuckles softly.]
Here's another Michael Jackson song: beat it.
- Peg.
- Sorry.
But she's right.
Thank you for coming.
Can I ask you a question? Mm.
Do you have any women friends? Uh-oh.
Mary finally wise up and kick you to the curb? I'm being serious.
I have plenty of women friends.
Matter of fact, my best friend's a woman.
Are you gonna say your wife? You know I am.
She got in the shower with me this morning.
I don't need to hear that.
How could something be so clean and so dirty at the same time? I'm sorry I asked.
Are you upset 'cause I said she was my best friend and not you? No.
You're in the top three.
Stop talking to me.
Definitely my best white friend.
- [chuckles.]
- [chuckles.]
Who is your favorite apostle and why? Ooh.
I'm-a say Judas.
What? How? Well, for man to be redeemed, our Lord had to die.
If Judas hadn't betrayed him, mankind wouldn't have been saved.
Pretty cool.
I never thought about it like that.
Well, you know, when you come at things from unexpected angles, people pay attention more.
It's what I hope to do with the kids.
: Well, you got my attention.
Hold on.
I'm not sure that we should be teaching the kids that Judas was cool.
Well, I just try to see everyone the way Jesus would.
No, no, that's your job.
Look, I just want to get the kids excited about church.
Think of me as the warm-up band - before you hit the stage.
- [Jeff chuckles.]
I think we just found our new youth pastor.
[Jeff chuckles.]
Can we discuss this? Of course.
When can you start? [screaming.]
Why are you watching The Ten Commandments? - I've just been thinking about God.
- Why? I don't understand how a God that's supposed to be good lets such bad things happen.
Can you think about it while I watch Yo! MTV Raps? - Sure.
- Dope.
Bust a move Do you believe in God? - Yeah.
- But in the Bible, he does all kinds of mean stuff.
If he's good, why would he do that? Maybe he just wants to show he's in charge.
Hulk Hogan's nice, but in the ring, he will mess you up.
That's either really smart or really stupid.
That's what I do.
Do you ever wonder if it's all made-up? Look, this is Texas.
We like football.
We like God.
And beef.
Beef's up there, too.
But how do you know there's a God? See that girl dancing in them shorts? Hey, yeah There's a God.
Excuse me? Pastor Rob.
I'm sorry if I came off a little strong back there.
Hey, you're just trying to do what's best for the kids.
I respect that.
Thank you.
And I just want you to know that I am very well-connected with the parents, so if I can be of any help there, please let me know.
Yeah, you know, actually, I try not to get too close to the parents.
I-I just think it's important for the kids to feel like I'm on their side.
Ooh, maybe we could do a, uh, "good cop, bad cop" sort of thing.
Why am I the bad cop? Oh, I don't have all the answers.
Maybe you should ask God.
Really looking forward to working with you.
[engine starts.]
[keyboard clacking.]
Got a minute? I'm kind of busy.
I'm inventing a system of heraldry for two warring tribes of orcs in my D&D campaign.
I was hoping we could talk about atheism.
Much like an orc, I'm all ears.
What's it like to not believe in God? It's great.
Big fan.
Are you ever afraid you're wrong? About religion? Never.
About other things? Also never.
I don't know.
It seems a little scary to just stop believing.
Well, is it more comforting to believe in a God who could flood the world and kill everyone because he had a bad day? That's a good point.
But doesn't it upset people when you say you don't believe? [chuckles.]
: Oh, yeah.
And that doesn't bother you? Does it bother you when you upset people? I couldn't care less.
Welcome to atheism.
Now, if you were an orc, would you like this flag? [country music playing.]
Hey, Connie.
Usual? Yeah.
Slow down [chuckles.]
I spend a lot of money here, right? - [chuckles.]
- You sure do.
So if my son-in-law was in here doing something stupid, I should know, right? I guess.
Before he went to the hospital, was he in here doing something stupid? Just hanging out.
- Why? - No reason.
Just watching too many soap operas, I guess.
[both chuckle.]
Let's just keep this between us, okay? Sure thing.
- [phone rings.]
- Hello? Hey, George.
It's Nick from the bar.
Why the hell are you asking questions about me at the bar? I don't know what you're talking about.
Nick told me everything.
Well, clearly, I was lying.
You want to accuse me of something, - say it to my face.
- All right, fine.
You have a fight with your wife, you end up in a bar with Brenda Sparks, and now you're both acting weird about it.
There's no story.
We're two people who went to the same bar.
That's it.
That better be it.
Connie, I get it.
You're protecting your daughter, but hear me when I say nothing happened.
And I don't appreciate you snooping around behind my back.
You're absolutely right.
I was wrong to do that.
I'm very sorry.
Little ticked at Nick for blabbing about it, but I'm-I'm sorry.
Thank you.
We good? We're good.
"We're good" my ass.
All right, you two, get ready for bed.
- Church in the morning.
- I'm not going.
What do you mean, you're not going? I don't think I believe in God anymore.
What did you do to her? Hey, she came to me.
I mean, I took the ball and ran with it.
Look at you with a sports analogy.
We're both evolving.
Ooh, evolution.
Another thing I'll teach you about.
I don't care what you believe.
You are going to church tomorrow.
I don't want to.
It might be fun.
- The new youth pastor's starting.
- So? We can attack his belief system together.
Like the Wonder Twins of atheism.
See? Your brother's excited.
You just want the new guy to have a bad day.
I can want two things.
[quiet chatter.]
Well, hey, y'all.
I'm Pastor Rob.
I'm, uh, guessing everyone knows what this is.
- The Bible.
- That's right.
That's right.
What else is it? The word of God.
You know what else it is? It's just a book.
: I like him.
It's a good book.
Got lot of great stories.
Instructions on how to live life.
But God is more than just a book.
God is real.
God is everywhere.
And God loves you.
: He's losing me.
It ain't pretty, but it's private.
So, what's up? Now, don't freak out, but Connie was at the bar asking questions.
What the hell? It's fine.
I handled it.
- [sighs.]
- We're all good.
Well, I hope so.
We are.
But I think we probably shouldn't go to the bar at the same time for a while.
You stay home.
I'll go.
Why me? That's where I hang out.
I'm single.
Who am I gonna meet sitting at home? I don't know.
Mailman? Plumber? I've seen a movie where the pizza delivery boy does pretty well for himself.
[both chuckle.]
Yeah, I bounced around from job to job after college.
Never really had a plan for what was next until one day, I felt the Lord call me to his service.
Yes, Missy Cooper.
- Right? - How'd you know? Let's see, Mary's your mother, Sheldon's your brother, and I hear you are one heck of a pitcher.
I do my homework, y'all.
: Homework.
He's winning me back.
So, what's on your mind, Missy? Is it okay that I'm wondering if God is real? I can take this one.
He is absolutely right.
- He is? - I usually am.
Can't just believe something because people say it's true.
You have to question it.
It's kind of like the, uh, the scientific method, right, Sheldon? Did my homework on you, too.
But what if I decide he's not real? Look, I'm not asking you to believe what I believe.
I'm just asking you to think about what you believe.
Sounds like you're already doing that.
- Yep.
- What do you know about me? Hmm.
Billy Sparks.
Sixth grade.
Also plays baseball, but maybe not as good as her.
And then Pastor Rob said it doesn't matter if I believe in God 'cause God believes in me.
I said the same thing.
Not like he did.
SHELDON: Well, I told him religion isn't objective and there's no proof for it.
Oh, I bet he didn't like that.
He loved it.
He quoted Kierkegaard and said if you could prove it, there'd be no room for faith.
Well, good for him.
- He also likes homework.
- Mm-hmm.
MISSY: He even threw the Bible on the floor.
- MARY: He what? - MISSY: You heard me.
When you were married, would you have said that Herschel was your best friend? [scoffs.]
What married person would say that? My buddy Wayne.
Does this buddy of yours have kids? - No.
- Then what the hell does he know? He's a very happy guy.
It's exhausting.
Ooh, I should get going.
You want to take a chicken for the smoker? Do I look like a vegetarian? - [both laugh.]
- BILLY: Mom? - You out here? - Um, I'll-I'll be there in a sec, honey.
I'm-I'm just feeding the chickens.
- You need some help? - No.
I'm almost done.

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