Young Sheldon (2017) s05e04 Episode Script

Pish Posh and a Secret Back Room

1 Previously on Young Sheldon - What the hell's wrong with you? - MARY: What is going on? - He's dropping out of school! - What?! It's not a big deal.
You are finishing high school, end of discussion.
It's my life.
It's my house.
If you don't go to school, you can't live here.
Hold on.
We are not kicking him out.
The hell we're not.
I'll pack right now.
You don't have to go.
Yes, he does.
My house, my rules.
ADULT SHELDON: I've always had a curious affinity for Laundromats.
Perhaps it's the rows of mechanical devices dedicated to a cleaner world.
Or maybe it's the hypnotic rotation of spinning clothes on their sudsy journey to a fluffy, stain-free future.
Mmm, look at 'em.
Where was I? Oh, yes.
My meemaw also loved them, but for an entirely different reason.
Banana, banana Whoo! [laughing.]
Personally, I don't care for bananas.
It's a texture thing.
- There you go.
- Oh, big night.
You can just put it on my tab.
Actually, I'm gonna need you to cash out.
- How come? - I'm, uh, fixin' to close up for good.
What? Why? Gonna spend more time with the grandkids.
I got grandkids, too.
Why do you think I'm here so much? - [chuckles.]
- So who's gonna take over this place? Guess what, I'm buying a Laundromat.
Uh, I don't know how to react.
Is that good news? Oh, yeah.
Nobody else is stronger than I am Yesterday I moved a mountain I bet I could be your hero I am a mighty little man I am a mighty little man.
SHELDON: Fun fact did you know the knife goes on the right because it was the first utensil, and most people are right-handed? Did you know I set the table and no one said thank you? No one thanked me for my fun fact.
- [door shuts.]
- You don't hear me complaining.
What are you doing here? Just thought I could have dinner with y'all.
Of course you can.
I'm sorry, do you live here? Just forget it.
- Mary - He can have dinner with us.
I'll get you a plate.
So, do you still live here? I don't know.
Of course you do.
- You go back to school? - [scoffs.]
It sounds like you don't live here.
He's our son.
We are not kicking him out.
He wants to be an adult, he can pay for his own place.
- That was my plan.
- Okay, what if he pitches in here? Like what, rent? Yes.
You would do that, right? I guess so.
Sounds like someone needs a rental agreement.
I'll go get my legal pad.
Pay to live here? We don't even have a pool.
So, there's a secret back room at the Laundromat - where you gamble? - Yeah.
And you never told me? Well, this is how secrets work.
What else aren't you telling me? Let me explain secrets.
Uh, okay, just give me a sense of how illegal this is.
Who says it's illegal? Well, why is it a secret? Okay, it's illegal.
But these places have been around for years.
Nobody gets hurt, the cops don't care.
I-I thought you liked being retired now you want to be a business owner? It's not as much as fun as I make it look.
: Listen, I've been gambling my whole life and losing to the house.
This is my chance to be the house.
You go to prison, I ain't waitin' for you.
You really have the energy to find a new girlfriend? I'll wait.
Okay, so we've agreed on monthly rent.
Should we talk utilities? Why do I got to pay for that stuff? 'Cause you use them and they cost money.
There are five of us in the house, so I suggest he pays 20%.
Although he does take a long time drying that hair.
20%'s fine.
Hold on.
It takes a whole lot more water to clean you than me.
Hey, watch it.
I don't have to let you live here.
Let me? I'm paying for everything.
You gonna charge me for food, too? Mm, it's not the worst idea.
You know what? Maybe I shouldn't be in this house.
You said it, not me.
He doesn't have to pay for food.
Meemaw does eat here for free.
That's a separate problem.
What if Georgie moves into the garage? - Why? - You'd still be around, so Mom's happy, but you'd be out of the house, so Dad's happy.
That could work.
- What do you say? - Done.
- Done.
- Hold on.
All my trains and science equipment are in the garage.
Where would they go? Easy.
I take Georgie's room.
All your crap goes in your room.
That's a big change.
I need to think about this.
Mom? Honey, it does make sense.
You two are getting older.
I don't even have hair on my legs yet.
What's the rush? Let's just put this down for a few days.
Why? 'Cause you don't want to hear him complain? Bingo.
Hey, Dale.
Hey, Jake.
Good to see you.
Hey, thanks for coming out.
My pleasure.
Could I get a beer? You arrest anybody fun lately? A party clown.
But what he was doing was not fun.
Do I want to know? Not if you want to sleep tonight.
What's up with you? Still dating that Connie? Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.
I can check into things, but if you think she's lying, she probably is.
No, no, that's not it.
Well, still good life advice.
Well, what do you know about these backroom slot machine places? Why? You thinking of putting one in your store? No.
No, actually, I'm asking for Connie, 'cause she's kind of interested.
Those places are harmless.
We look the other way.
Well, that's good to know.
So what other laws are okay to break? Not hiding drugs in your keister.
What was that clown thinking? When they found it, did confetti shoot out? [both laugh.]
Sheldon, come on, I need my own space.
But we've always shared a room.
I'm a young lady now.
You seem the same to me.
I have a training bra.
When you complete your training, get back to me.
You know you want privacy, too.
I suppose it would be nice to have all my trains and science equipment in here.
It's settled.
It would be like my Fortress of Solitude.
Good for you.
Or my Bat Cave.
Shh! Although I don't care for caves.
Or bats.
I suppose Fortress of Solitude I'm gonna choke you with my bra.
Good night.
[TV playing quietly.]
Want some help? You gonna charge me money? Never mind.
Any chance this could wait till halftime? I'll be done in a second.
[crowd cheering on TV.]
ANNOUNCER: Touchdown! - What are you doing? - Moving my stuff.
But we haven't discussed who gets what yet.
I get my stuff.
You get your stuff.
There's community property.
We've lived together for over ten years.
In some states, we'd be considered married.
- Gross.
- I don't make the rules.
- I just know them all.
- [sighs.]
What do I have to do to get this over with? We just need to agree upon who gets which items.
As my farewell gift to you, let's do your dumb thing.
See, when you're mean and nice at the same time, it's confusing.
Too bad, doofus.
Better, thank you.
Okay, thanks.
I'll see you in a bit.
Chet's gonna swing by and finalize the deal.
Wait, he's coming over here? Yeah.
Why? Well, this is a very shady transaction.
I mean, it should be taking place under a bridge or in a parking lot somewhere.
I'm handing him a cashier's check.
He's giving me the keys.
He's gonna know where you live.
I'm in the phone book.
I'm not hard to find.
Well, what if he grabs the check and just skedaddles out of here? He's our age.
He isn't skedaddling anywhere.
Ah, whatever you say.
Are you disappointed this isn't more like some old cop show? I loved Rockford Files.
Well, I tell you what, when he gets here, you're my muscle.
If anything goes sideways, - you jump in.
- See, now you're talking.
I'll stand behind you and I'll crack my knuckles.
With your arthritis? It's only bad when it rains.
Next, one Timex brand alarm clock.
It's yours.
Are you sure? It has a stylish faux-wood finish.
Fine, I'll take it.
- Aw.
- So you want it? - Yes.
- It's yours.
Thank you.
Next, one useful yet educational map of the world trash can.
I know what you're doing.
Yes, I'm being thorough about these things so we don't fight about them down the line.
What you're doing is dragging this out because you don't want me to leave.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
Do you know the phrase "pish posh"? No, and I don't want to.
It's British, and it's used when someone's opinions are absurd.
And you're forcing me to use it.
Pish posh! Or, more authentically, [English accent.]
: pish posh! I'm done.
I know what's mine, and I'm taking it.
ADULT SHELDON: One day she said the same thing to her first husband.
I like to think I prepared her for that moment.
So I'm thinking dark red, like a speakeasy.
And maybe a little bar in the corner.
Well, you're gonna need a liquor license.
Oh, right.
'Cause I don't want to break the law in my illegal gambling room.
Over here is my bedroom area, for sleeping and whatnot.
That's my gym.
And last but not least, kitchen and bathroom.
Georgie, do not use that sink as a bathroom.
Just number one.
There you go.
Okay, these posters go on that wall.
That poster goes over the bed.
I'm not your moving man.
You're right, I'm growing up.
Guess I can't be Daddy's little girl forever.
Which one goes over the bed? Um, New Kids.
First thing I'm gonna do is get better chairs.
If people are comfy, they'll stay longer and spend more.
Well, what if it's someone's lucky chair? They're gambling in the back of a Laundromat.
Does that sound lucky to you? I'm thinking I'll put the flag over that window for, you know, privacy.
If you want, I could sew some curtains, make it look homey.
Girls will eat that up.
Flag is fine.
[knock on door.]
Well, you been busy.
- You get this in here all by yourself? - Yes.
- How? - Science.
Well, it looks good.
I know.
Now trains will be the last thing I see before I go to sleep, and the first thing I see when I wake up.
If I stir in the middle of the night, you know what I'll see? Trains? Trains.
Well as long as you're happy.
Oh, I'm happy.
You might want to check in on Sheldon.
- Is he okay? - Well, he was smiling.
Smiling how? Oh, boy.
Dinner's ready.
I'll eat later.
I have to finish this.
I made spaghetti with hot dogs cut up in it.
I even made sure that every piece is the exact same size.
Some things are more important than the width of a hot dog slice.
And I wish I'd known that sooner.
So, you okay? Why wouldn't I be okay? Well, there's a lot of change going on.
I know that's not your favorite.
Where is that railroad crossing? Would you like to eat in here? I'll make you a plate.
I have to find that sign.
It should be in this box.
Where is it? I can't find my railroad crossing sign.
Hey, how about knocking? Sorry, I've never had to knock on that door before.
Well, now you do.
I need the crossing sign for my train set.
Have you seen it? No, and I've got company coming soon.
An extra set of eyes will be helpful.
It's a girl, and you need to get out of here.
I'm not leaving until I find it.
Is this really about some dumb sign, or is about you being scared to have a room to yourself? That sign has been there for as long as I've had that railroad set.
It may seem insignificant to you, but I need it.
Everyone only cares about themselves.
You're happy because you got the garage, Missy's happy because she has her own room, but no one cares about my problems.
I'll help you look.
Just forget it.
ADULT SHELDON: As I struggled, my meemaw began to realize the problem with running a gambling den in the back of a Laundromat was it's still connected to a Laundromat.
I put five pairs of undies in here, and now there are four.
Your machine ate my undies.
There's a lost and found box right over there in the corner.
Just take all you want.
I don't want a stranger's undies.
Then let's find your precious undies.
Look how many rhinestones fell off in the dryer.
It says right here "do not tumble dry.
" No label's gonna tell me what to do.
I am not in the mood for Texas right now.
What do you want from me? Well, what size is yours? No! Finally the fun begins.
What's going on? Are you Connie Tucker? Well, this sucks.
[train whistles blow.]
Next stop, Medford.
That won't be necessary.
Keep going.
But, sir, your family's waiting to board.
I'm aware.
Drive on.
But, sir I don't need them.
I'm fine on my own.
Do not stop this train.
[whistles blowing.]
- Turn it off.
- No.
I've been listening to it for an hour; turn it off.
It's my room, I can do what I want.
Oh, really? Let's see how you like it.
All for love I love it when we're together Girl, I need you forever [train whistle blowing.]
What the hell's going on?! Missy's trying to annoy me.
'Cause he won't turn his stupid train off.
You two are unbelievable.
Everything off.
- But he started it.
- Now! Knight in shining armor, I will be your I thought y'all looked the other way.
We do, but I'm running for sheriff, and this will make my campaign pop.
But you and Dale are buddies.
That's why I'm not arresting you.
Hey, get one with me in it.
[shutter clicks.]
So you gonna sell the place? No.
Instead of crime boss, you're gonna be a laundry boss.
Well, I guess that's just as cool.
I'm gonna open my game room.
How? I don't know.
- Move to a new location? - I don't know! What about the Laundromat? Keep asking questions, see what happens.
- Last one.
- What? How'd you get so pretty? I hate you.
I like you.
ADULT SHELDON: There were plenty of reasons to be happy my sister moved out.
She snored, she teased me.
She left her dirty clothes everywhere.
Clearly, I was better off without her.
[knock on door.]
Can I sleep on your floor? Come on.
ADULT SHELDON: I eventually made my peace with having a room to myself.
And I was never truly alone, thanks to my science posse: Stephen, Albert, Richard and Arthur.
But for those times when I did need to communicate with Missy, we had a system.
What? - Just testing the system.
- You tested it yesterday.
Just because it worked yesterday doesn't mean it's working today.
It's working.
Good night.
Good night.
Sleep tight.
[knocking on wall.]
What? Did you know when people say "sleep tight," they're referring to when beds were made of ropes, and the tighter the rope, the more comfortable the bed was to sleep on? Cool.
ADULT SHELDON: My sister wasn't always a fan of my informative tidbits, so I didn't tell her that the entire phrase, "Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite" is actually from the 1896 book What They Say in New England: A Book of Signs, Sayings, and Superstitions.
Until I told her.
[knocking on wall.]

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