Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - The Executive's Executioner

THE EXECUTIVE'S EXECUTIONER Fine.
It's been a pleasure serving you.
Wait a minute.
Is this for me? Wow, a quarter! He left me a whole quarter.
Considering the great service I gave him, I was expecting a big tip, but nothing of this magnitude.
Thanks to him I am on Easy Street.
Now I'm going to retire.
All right.
I'll give you some more, OK? Here.
- You have change of a ten? - Yeah.
Now beat it.
Everybody, you better stay on my good side today.
Cliff, I've looked at you from every angle.
There is no good side.
What's the problem there, Cliffie? A new couple moved in next door to me and Ma.
They're loud, noisy, up till all hours playing their bebop music, automobile parts strewn all over the yard.
Nothing I can use.
Why don't you have a word with these people? They're not that type of people.
It'll only lead to a fight and you know what I'm liable to do.
Yeah, wet yourself.
My God! That's my boss.
He saw me slip out early.
- You got here the same time as always.
- I know.
I always leave early.
I refuse to be one of those cowardly clock-watchers.
As soon as my supervisor turns his head, I slip out the heating duct.
- How would he know you're here? - The company's full of spies.
They know everything about you.
They even keep track of your sex habits.
Thank God I don't have any.
He's coming this way.
Cover for me.
Wait a minute! Excuse me, wasn't that Norm Peterson? No, there's no Norm Peterson here.
I don't even know a Norm Peterson.
Are you sure? The man that just ran into the men's room? Absolutely not.
Probably somebody that looked like Norm Peterson - who I don't know.
- I see.
And what's this on the floor? Foam insulation from our heating duct.
My information is correct.
Peterson, are you in here? - Were you talking to me? - What are you doing in there? Sir, this is close to being an invasion of privacy.
But I want to talk to you.
I'll wait outside.
No, sir.
I know what you're probably going to do to me and this does seem like the appropriate place for it.
All right.
Peterson, we've been making some changes in the company.
Starting tomorrow, we want you to be our corporate killer.
The guy who fires people? We decided that terminating employees puts too much stress on our executives.
- We think you'll be perfect.
- Why me? Studies have shown that it's particularly humiliating when you're fired by somebody who is clearly superior to yourself.
And that just wouldn't be the case with you, Norman.
You're just an ordinary Joe.
As a matter of fact, we checked out your home life.
You have absolutely nothing anyone could possibly envy or resent.
I'm honoured, sir.
But this sounds like a horrible job, frankly.
It's a 300% raise and if you don't take it, you're fired.
I will have you know that I cannot be bought and I cannot be threatened, but you put the two together and I'm your man.
Have you given any thought to using some form of natural childbirth this time? - I always use the Le Mans method.
- No, you mean Lamaze.
No, Le Mans.
I scream like a Ferrari.
- Evening, everybody.
- Norm! What will you have, Norm? A glass of whatever comes out of that tap.
- Looks like beer, Norm.
- Call me Mr Lucky.
I'll take another one for my young friend there.
- So who is your young friend? - It's my first assignment, Cliffie.
I was supposed to fire him this morning.
I haven't been able to do it yet.
You've been with the guy all day and you haven't canned him? He's such a sweet kid.
I just can't tear his heart out.
- Can I do it, please? - Do you mind? I know what you're talking about.
It's always hard to fire people.
I always give my waitresses the benefit of a severance boink.
That or the money equivalent, $1.
14.
As I recall, you were always after an advance.
Oh, Sam.
You're always bringing that up, trying to relive those few precious weeks with the only woman you ever dated who knew how to spell your name.
As I recall, you used to spell it E- X-T-A-S-Y.
You got the "X" right.
And it's going to stay that way.
Could we move on to something more interesting than your star-crossed romance? What could be more interesting than another gripping episode of "The Young and the Chestless"? So when are you going to talk to the guy? I've been struggling with it all day, Sammy.
I was going to tell him at lunch, but we were enjoying ourselves so much.
So I thought I'd take him to a movie, try to get him relaxed.
- You couldn't tell him there, either? - No, but I came close at the ball game.
Norman, as you know, no one is more sensitive than I.
And I say putting it off is of no value to you or the boy.
I guess you're right.
Thanks for the beer, Mr Peterson.
I sure have had a good time today.
It's great to get away from that old sweat shop, isn't it? I love my job.
The five months I've had it have been the best of my life.
- Isn't that exaggerating a bit, Billy? - Not at all.
Ever since I can remember I've dreamed of being an accountant.
From the age of six I did odd jobs to put myself through college.
Now that I have it, I've got the world at my feet.
I just put a down payment on a house.
It was more than we wanted, but escrow closed today so there's no turning back now.
Besides, with my wife pregnant, we're going to need the room.
Your My wife and I are trying to have a baby, actually.
That's great! Our kids are going to play together at the company picnic.
- I don't think so, Billy.
- Why not? Because you're fired.
- I'm fired? - It's not your fault.
You're history.
It's the damn company.
They're cutting back all over the place.
You're a good accountant.
I'm so sorry.
I can't believe it.
It's not fair! You're so damn young.
That's right.
I've got that going for me.
- I'll find something else.
- In this job market? Good luck.
There, there, Mr Peterson.
Don't worry about me.
I'll be just fine.
I'm going to make you happy and proud again.
Are you going to be OK? Come on, show me a big smile.
Come on.
Come on.
Attaboy.
Stand up here.
Get him a beer there, Diane.
So how did it go, Norm? Damn company! What do they know about the pride in a young wife's eye? The unborn child and a boy's love of a calculator? - Norman, stop torturing yourself.
- And us.
I guess Billy Richter's not going to be the only one without a job.
I'm not cut out to be a corporate killer.
I watched you with that young man.
I've never seen anything like that.
Hey, pal, this is the 1980s.
It's OK for a man to cry.
- Thanks, buddy.
- You'd never catch me doing it.
Maybe a manly tear or two, but never blubbering.
It's a policy at Talbert International to send a representative to check on how employees handle new assignments.
I've been following you around all day.
How did you like Rice's catch in the third inning? That was a great catch.
I guess you'll tell them to find another killer.
I'm relieved, actually.
You made that man feel that he was fired from a sensitive, caring company.
It was brilliant.
I'm going to recommend that they give you that corner office on the third floor.
- Isn't that Mr Peabody's office? - Not after you talk with him tomorrow.
I've had it! Those neighbours have pushed me too far this time.
- What happened now, Clifford? - Last night they had a party.
Cars parked all over the block, loud music and who knows what else.
And all this on a school night.
It's time they found out what you get when you cross a Clavin.
Someone crossed one with a chicken and got you.
I beg your pardon? You shoot your mouth off about this guy, but you don't do anything.
- You're afraid to stand up to him.
- I'm not afraid of anything.
One of these days I'll tell that jerk exactly what I think of him.
All right, here you go.
- Write him a letter.
- You don't think I will? "Howdy, neighbour.
Please don't take this the wrong way " Give me that! "Howdy, neighbour"! Let me do this.
"Dear vile, scurvy rat, "whose existence stinks up the planet " I guess that is a bit stronger.
Where's Norm? He's in the back room dropping the axe on his latest victim.
It'll be all right.
I'll find another job some day.
You promise? I promise.
Now buck up.
That man is a prince.
Norman, why do you keep putting yourself through this? You must be emotionally drained at the end of the day.
Yeah, I am, but I'm good at it.
I finally found something in life that I'm good at.
Pity.
Now we just got to finish it off with a real doozy.
Does he have any disabilities you can make fun of? His wife is not particularly handsome.
Good, good.
"Bark hello to your wife for me.
" "Yours in disgust.
" Sign that.
I'll sign it with pleasure and I'll mail this at my earliest convenience.
- It's going out in today's mail.
- Good, good.
Glad to hear it.
Look, Clavin, just think of this as your ticket out of Weenietown.
- I made that trip a long time ago.
- But they threw you out at Dinkville.
Norm, your office called.
They're sending over a John Parker.
Another one? Last one of the day, I guess.
Let's see what we got here.
John Parker.
He's a widower, supports sickly parents.
Three foster children.
So sad, so sad.
- Afternoon, Sam.
How are we today? - Fine, Walt.
How are you doing? It hasn't been an easy day, but any day I carry the US mail I count myself a lucky and useful human being.
- Are all you guys like this? - Like what? Never mind.
Hold on a sec, Walt, I've got some outgoing mail here.
How do you like that? I just talked to Ma.
Our neighbour's cleaning up his yard.
He would've gotten to it sooner, but he's been in training for the World Kick Boxing Championship.
It's good I found out before that letter was mailed.
That's excellent use of the nine-digit zip code, Sam.
Consider these letters in the hands of the addressees.
Hold on there.
Twitchell, isn't it? Clavin, South Central Branch, SCB.
Oh, right.
You got a letter in that bag that I don't need mailed.
I'd appreciate it if I could have it back.
- Sorry.
- What do you mean "sorry"? Any letter on my person for the express purpose of delivery receives the same sanctity as in any US Mail receptacle.
But this is a very personal, important matter to me.
You know the rules.
Hey, that's my bag! That's a Federal offence, you know.
Get out of here! That's Clavin.
Clavin with a "C", right? - You're in trouble.
- You're in trouble! - They're going to have your bags.
- Your mother's a bag.
Put a uniform on some guys, it turns them right into a fascist.
I wouldn't be a bit surprised if that guy had deep sexual problems.
Norm is sleeping like a baby.
A baby with a licence to kill.
I guess this job is taking its toll.
I wonder what he's dreaming about? He's probably dreaming about what every man dreams about.
In your case that would be me.
I hardly think that Norm is dreaming about you.
I stand corrected.
- You OK? - I'm fine.
Strangest dream.
It was so weird, Sam.
It was really dark, you know? And cold and eerie.
It was out in the middle of nowhere, but it was definitely somewhere.
There was this line of accountants.
It was my job to make them go through a pair of elevator doors.
Going down.
One by one they went, falling screaming into a bottomless pit.
There's this accountant wearing a blindfold.
I went up to him.
No, wait.
I'm just demonstrating.
Norman, don't you see what this dream means? A very precious part of you feels as if it's being destroyed by this job.
The burden of your guilt is insupportable.
I never said I was in love with this job, OK? I think it stinks.
But it is important.
These guys would all be fired anyway.
I provide a service.
I'm helping them through a painful experience.
Norman, these executives are having you do their dirty work.
- You are their Judas goat.
- Lighten up, will ya, Diane? You should have more pride than to do repugnant tasks for people at their bidding.
You want to wipe up that bar sweat there? - Can I get you something? - No.
- Are you OK? - No.
Norm Peterson invited me for a beer at Cheers.
- He's sitting down right over there.
- So that's him? Hi.
You must be John Parker.
Norm Peterson here.
I know.
It's really terrible what you have to do to me, isn't it? - You know why you're here? - Everybody knows about you.
Then I guess there's nothing left to say.
What do you mean? Where's my sympathy? Where's the caring? Where's the tears? - I do feel bad for you, John.
- Doesn't look like it.
Honestly, John, I feel just awful.
You've foster children, I believe? Yes.
One of them needs braces.
I would rather have somebody fire me honestly than fake sentiment.
You hide your true feelings behind crocodile tears.
John, listen, wait a second.
Let me try again, John.
Sickly parents.
I'm dry as a bone.
Do you know what's happening to you, Norman? - You're becoming callous and hard.
- Yeah, I know.
Give me the phone and a beer.
- What are you doing? - Quitting.
I'm calling Mr Simpson and telling him I'm resigning.
I'm going to let the bosses do their own dirty work for a change.
Mr Simpson? This is Norm Peterson, sir.
We really have to have a Hello? He screamed and hung up.
I'll try him again.
Is this Mr Simpson's secretary? This is Norm Peterson.
We seem to have been Hello? You see what's happening here, don't you? This is amazing.
Why don't I just give Mr Hecht a little call? Why don't I tell him how good the little plan is going? Mr Hecht, this is Norm Peterson.
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